The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 10 - Christmas Wishes - full transcript

Christmas time is here!

Wow! Thanks, guys
That sounded amazing

Hi, I'm Andy Bernard and I am
the first office Santa ever

to make holiday
wishes come true

Who's excited to get
their holiday wishes?

Holiday wishes.
What's that, Stanley?

We know exactly what holiday
you're referring to

It is important to be mindful of all
belief systems at our holiday party

I've been here 18 years
and I've suffered

through some weird
thematic Christmases

A Honolulu Christmas
a Pulp Fiction Christmas



a Muslim Christmas
Moroccan Christmas

Mo Rocca Christmas

Christmas is Christmas
is Christmas is Christmas

I got Stanley tickets to see
Lewis Black for his birthday

Might not have
been the best idea

Kwanzaa wreath

I don't need a dreidel in my
face That's its own thing.

And who's that
black Santa for?

I know Santa ain't black I could care less.

I want Christmas.
Just give me plain

baby-Jesus-lying-in-a-manger
Christmas

What is the status on my wish?
Fulfilled

Brought my bicycle so I can be
your designated driver later,

in the event that you drink too
much which is by no means required



What about my wish that we
don't have to attend meetings

that degrade our
sense of adulthood?

That, I cannot do

But I did get you an acre
of property on the moon

Where, dark side
or light side?

Light side Is it by the
Sea of Tranquility?

As a matter of fact, yes
Directly adjacent.

Beachfront
Thank you, Andy.

So whose wish is next?
What about Santa's wish?

My biggest wish is that you a
get along well with Jessica

Come on, guys, Jessica

Jim, tell them who Jessica is

She's not your grandmother
is she?

Gam-Gam's
name is Ruth, Jim

You should know. I introduced
you on speakerphone that time

Jessica is my super
serious girlfriend,

who is seriously awesome
and seriously sexy.

Only thing that's not serious
by the way, our repartee

That's great
When you know, you know

Hey, what's Ruth's deal, man?

Totally out of your league

So, in summation, ho ho

please be nice to Jessica
and mistletoe

is not an excuse
for sexual assault

And don't go near Gam-Gam

I love Jessica, and I
haven't even met her yet

It's like, we don't
even need to meet, you know?

I already love you. Stay home

I just want you to
know that I will be mean

to Jessica,
if you want me to be

Oh, no, no, it's fine, Kelly

It's really no problem. I was already
planning on being mean to her.

That's okay
I don't want you to do that

Hello

Merry Christmas, Erin

Kelly, happy Pancha Ganapati

Ew. What is that?

The five day Hindu
celebration in December

honouring the god Ganesh
patron of the arts

Cool

Hey, man.
Hey

How you holding up?

Because of your
wife leaving you

Kevin

I actually appreciate
the human intimacy.

I feel like a kitten
being cradled by a gorilla

Yeah

It's been 10 days since I
had sexual intercourse

Well, you came
to the right place.

It... This party
will cheer you right up

I hope so. The corporate
party was wretched

I am so tired of
the Black Eyed Peas

It's rock and roll for people
who don't like rock and roll.

It's rap for people
who don't like rap

It's pop for people
who don't like pop

Ah

Heartbreaking

Oh. Thank you

Well, I hate to have to take my Santa
hat off and put on my hard ass hat

but this is serious

It's come to my attention that
somebody who shall remain nameless

wants to switch desk clumps

Fine with me. Jim can
leave any time he wants

Good-bye
Wasn't me

It wasn't either of you

Cathy wants to
leave our clump?

Don't look.
Who it was is not important

But she did say that
your constant pranking

and one-upsmanship
is driving her crazy.

She or he. I just want to
say this is not my fault

Okay, the weak
always bully the strong

contrary to what
you see in the media

acting in self-defense

Occasionally
preemptive self-defense

Ow! What are you doing?
Hey! Hey!

Respect the hat

Pam never seemed
to have a problem with us

All right I'm gonna speak in a
language you both understand

Moe-nay

What was it?
What is it?

Money

You both have sizeable Christmas
bonuses coming your way

If I catch either of you
messing with the other

I will give both
bonuses to the other person

Can't do that
No, absolutely not.

You need consequences Okay, I want
you both walking on eggshells.

Hi, I'm Jessica.
I'm looking for Andy

Jessica, yes.
We don't say hi. We hug

I'm Erin. Sorry.
Ooh

I hope you feel really
welcome We all want you here

Oh

My ex is meeting my sex

Which is always scary

You know? And not just because you think
they might talk about your penis.

That's just part of it

Hey! Jess, Erin

I hope you're not
talking about my penis

Hi
Hi

Hey, everyone
I want you to meet Jessica

She is an assistant cross-country
coach at Bryn Mawr.

Wow

Erin, by the way,
amazing receptionist

Oh, that's great.
Backbone of the office

Which is funny, actually
because my spine is a mess

What?
Oh

Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace
for three years but I never did

Oh, no

Oh, no, it's kicking in

Spontaneous scoliosis

Oh

This thing could take your
arm off your head off.

You know,
just exercise caution

Thank you
All right

All right

Oh, yeah

and there's a Christmas party upstairs
tonight I wanted to tell you about

Isn't that just
for popsicles?

Popsicles?

Yeah, like, upstairs people 'Cause
you got a stick up your butt.

Ah. See, I thought it was
because they're all so rich

they could eat
popsicles all the time

What?
I... in my

Well, you should definitely
come The foreman always comes

Plus it's fun you know,
cookies smoked fish

alcohol, people acting stupid

You had me at "cookies". I can't
wait to find out what they are

What should I wear?

Oh, it's nice. It's real nice
People get dressed up.

I will look so
handsome for you, Darryl

Uh.

I'm gonna

Dwight really wants my bonus

He's trying to entrap me

Oh, God, now I can't
drink at this thing

I get really
pranky when I drink

Erin, what can I get for you?

Do you have cola?
Kirkland, if you have it

Why would you come to a bar
and ask for a cola

when you can get
some from the kitchen?

Did some small part of you want
something a little stronger?

Ryan, Kevin, Phyllis, Oscar
come and take these shots.

Yes

Will do

The fifth one is for you, Erin
You can take it or leave it

To take it would be
to accept that you're

at a party,
and you're an adult woman

and you have
an adventurous spirit

To leave it
would be fine, too

One, two, three
Yes

Okay

Wow

Whoo!
Hey, hey, nice

Jiminy Christmas

Jiminy Christmas, indeed

Hit her up
Oh, yes.

Yeah.
- Wow

Yeah, I just got my
replacement credit card

Do you want the number?
Oh, it's 4-7-9-3

0-0-3-2-3-3-1-3

The security code is 9-2-7

Okay, great
thank you very much

Bye

So Dwight did take the bait

He used my credit card numbers to
send a $200 bouquet of flowers

to my wife

From me

Boom

Look, it's Christmas
so you're allowed...

Hello

compared to normal

You usually dress
like a Ghostbuster

Okay. I thought you'd
wear a sweater

Since when does a sweater
mean "dressed up"?

Am I your grandson?

Come on, stay, all right?

It's good for people
to get to know you.

As a contestant on
Dancing with the Stars maybe.

And then I want
a sugar cookie

And then I want my nap

That's right

Thank you

She is remarkable

Edgy impressions
Thank you

How many drinks
have you had tonight?

Driving everybody home

A thousand
Woah!

Maybe you should take a break

Maybe you should
mind your own business

Just kidding

Ah! I've been attacked

Oh, my God. Someone put a
porcupine in my drawer

Oh, my God

Yeah, I was just sitting here at my
desk and I reached into my drawer

to grab my toothbrush
and some tooth powder

and all of a sudden I was attacked

by this bloodthirsty
rabid creature.

Who has access to a porcupine?

Or who in this office
knows that I have access

and is trying to set me up?

Hmm You know, this sounds
a lot like the premise

of my latest Chad
Flenderman novel

A Murder for Framing.

Chad Flenderman. Just an
easy-going black guy who knows

the streets,
yet he also went to Oxford

So just as comfortable on a
motorcycle as he is on Air Force One

And he's also the world's
leading Egyptologist.

Toby, nobody cares about your
sex-crazed black detective.

No, no, no, no, no women chase him.
He misses his wife

Hello, lacerated
hand here, folks

Nice try
This is ridiculous

Oh, is it really?

Two separate times
you have set me up to believe

that I was being
recruited by the CIA

Three times, actually
You see?

Jim, this has your
fingerprints all over it

Andy, you've got
to be kidding me

Fingerprints can be planted

You know
with a severed hand

Do you think
that's what happened?

Do you think he
used a severed hand?

Okay, you know what why don't
we just call Animal Control?

You might want to run that by Angela.
'Cause it's so cute

No. Porcupines don't have
souls They're like dogs

Yes, I'm calling
from Dunder Mifflin

We have a very rabid
porcupine in our office

Someone should
come pick it up.

Come down right away

I don't know, let me ask
Were you quilled?

Yes, I was quilled

And what's its name?
Henrietta

Oh

What? Uh

All right. Get her
out of here, Dwight

Hey

Guys, I just wanted to say
Come here.

Guys are together. Okay?

And you both have
such beautiful hair

Thank you

And who knows? Maybe at the
wedding I meet someone.

Okay

And later on tonight
I hope I see you guys kiss

Yay.

Okay, well, I'm gonna go do
another reverse spit.

That's how the coo
kids say "get a drink.'

That's...
That's the girl you dated?

Yeah, she's not always
like that. It's

No, she seems fun

Yeah, excuse me.
Okay

Hey
Hey

Have you had anything to eat
besides candy canes?

Every martini has an olive

Okay

Maybe I should make you
some oatmeal or something

I don't want to put you out but
if someone's making oatmeal

I'll take an apple cinnamon

and a maple brown sugar
in one bowl with whole milk

Hey, I never told
you my Christmas wish

Okay
It's about you.

That's not what it should be It should
just be like a trinket or something

It's that I wish
Jessica was dead

You mean you wish
she wasn't here or something

I wish she was in a graveyard
under the ground

with worms coming
out of her mouth

Hey, you know,
you can't say that, okay?

That's my girlfriend
that you're talking about

You and I are not
together anymore

You need to get over it
Take your wish back.

Too late.
It's already been wished

And you promised it would come true.
You wrote it in an e-ma

So which one are you
a murderer or a liar?

Hey
Hey

So there was talk of oatmeal

You know, don't listen
to what anyone is saying

You look like a princess

Yeah
Thanks.

Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt
I just found this on my desk

and need to talk to
somebody about it

Can you believe that?

Is that Cece?
Yes, it is

Oh, man.
That's awful

Cece is Jim's daughter

Oh, my God

How could somebody do that?

I know. I mean
the way I see it is

you can deface
any picture of me

Any one. Pick one
Not my kid, though

Who did this?
Who did this?

Do you know who did this?
I don't

Dwight?
Yeah, he did

What? No
He should pay.

He is gonna pay
This is fire-able.

Okay
- It's... I mean...

Let me just see
it one more time

You know what?
I know who my friends are now

But I shouldn't
have got you involved

Because the truth is I don't even
really care about this picture

It's a little out of focus

It was probably an accident
right? Like...

That's no accident

Right. You're right So maybe it
was me who did it By accident.

What?
I'll figure it out

Get to the bottom of it
Merry merry.

Enough of this garbage

This is Christmas

Christmas

You all right, Santa?

You know those
movies where two friends

are sleeping
together and it's like

hey, can they stay friends?

Yes

Do you think two
friends who are

not sleeping
together can stay friends?

Two friends who are
not sleeping together

can they remain friends?
Yes, yeah.

No. I... I don't know

Okay
By the way

I'm not gonna mess with
your and Dwight's bonuses

causing more problems

So just be yourselves
have fun,

and try not to let
it affect your work

All right
I will definitely do that

All right. I'll tell Dwight

You know what?
You're sitting and thinking

And it's probably better
if it comes from me anyway

Christmas miracles do happen

Yes, they totally do

You can't click on
these Kardashian links

That's why you
have so many viruses

Well, help me, okay?

I'm trying, but

You need to...
Kelly

Yo. On it.
Game on

I don't know what I was
thinking, it was awful. Awful

Jessica, did you just fart?

And that is how it's done

Let's you and I take a walk Oscar,
you're in charge of the bar

What? I haven't
bartended in forever

Never considered
myself a mixologist

Oh, this is daunting. Um, I
need a mortar pestle, muddler

Does anyone have any
chocolate shavings?

Your heart is broken

So's mine
And?

And what?

And do you have any
advice or anything...

Oh, my God.
...to help me feel better?

I've been married thrice
and each

has ended in
an acrimonious divorce

I'm not sure I'm the best
person to give love advice

I was hoping you were going
to make me feel better

When you do your makeup, how long
does it take usually? 'Cause

It depends

Chad Flenderman's
kryptonite...

Woah

We got a real
Clarence Thomas here

Hi

I'll see you at home.
Okay Okay, great.

Perfect.
Bye

get why you can't

just call her
a cab and pay for it

I would, it just...
That wasn't the holiday wish

Either he drives or I drive
and now I'm drunk and mad

Okay, bye
Okay, bye

All right, come on, Meredith

Bye. Thank you, Santa

You bet

Thank God Erin's getting
a ride home with Robert

'cause she is trashed

And who better to drive
her home than Robert?

A stand up guy, you know

I mean he's going through a lot.
Separating from his wife

showing up at the Christmas party
in a track suit and a blazer

Let's go, let's go MEREDITH
I'm coming, I'm coming.

I'm coming, I'm coming

Hang on.
All right

Woah! My stuff
What? What is all that?

It's my valuables

It's junk

This is my treasures
No, they're my treasures

You're a hoarder. My God

No, I'm not!
I'm gonna sell it on eBay

No, no, no, you be careful

Be careful
Ah! My Santa suit's stuck.

What are we gonna do with all
that bonus money Henrietta, huh?

Where are we?
This ain't my street

Oh. This is the posh
part of town, huh?

Oh, my God

Wonder what a studio condo would
cost in this neighborhood.

Meredith, shut your
drunk hole right now

Erin, it was
great fun tonight.

Take a few aspirin, drink a whole lot
of water sleep in in the morning.

Thank you. Good night

What are you smiling for?

You thinking
what I'm thinking?

I'm sure I am not

Let's get you home

Ow

Take it easy

Oh, man

Fell asleep. Took a nap

Hey, guys I feel refreshed now

How's it going?
Dwight

Took a little nap right next to Jim's desk.
I feel so good right now

Mmm. Cookies

What's everyone staring at?

Oh, man I was supposed
to tell Dwight something

Come on, Jim