The Office (2005–2013): Season 3, Episode 20 - Product Recall - full transcript
Michael tries to be proactive during a watermark crisis, but only makes the situation worse. Meanwhile, Angela has trouble being apologetic with customers, and Andy discovers a secret about his new girlfriend.
It's kinda blurry.
That's better.
Question.
What kind of bear is best?
That's a ridiculous question.
False.
Black bear.
Well, that's debatable.
There are basically
two schools of thought...
Fact.
Bears eat beets.
Bears. Beets.
Battlestar Galactica.
Bears do not...
What is going on?
What are you doing?
Last week, I was in a drugstore,
and I saw these glasses.
Uh, $4.
And it only cost me $7.
To recreate the rest
of the ensemble,
and that's a grand total of...
$11.
You know what?
Imitation is the most
sincere form of flattery.
So I thank you.
Identity theft
is not a joke, Jim!
Millions of families suffer
every year!
Michael!
Oh, that's funny.
Michael!
Yes, I understand.
Can I transfer you
to Customer Relations?
Absolutely.
I couldn't be
more sorry about this.
I know, I know.
We're all trying to get
to the bottom of this.
I am upset.
Don't I sound upset?
I totally agree.
Well, we're going to be
recalling all of that paper.
We have a crisis.
Apparently, a disgruntled
employee at the paper mill
decided that it would be funny
to put an obscene watermark
on our 24-pound
cream letter stock.
500 boxes has gone out
with the image
of a beloved cartoon duck
performing...
unspeakable acts upon a...
certain cartoon mouse
that a lot of people like.
I've never been a fan.
Everybody in here, STAT.
No time to lose.
Cry-Man Squaw, F and C,
double time.
Cry-Man Squaw?
Crisis Management Squad.
F and C, double time?
Front and center,
twice as fast
as you would normally go.
Why are you talking like that?
To save time, Jim.
Actually, I think
you could make the argument
that it wastes time.
Yeah, she has a good point.
I mean, for example,
with the last thing you said,
by the time you explained it,
it actually took up more time.
You know what?
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Forget it.
Where's Creed?
Creed, quality assurance.
Here.
Your job.
I really think you screwed
the pooch on this one, Creed.
Because of you, the entire
company is in jeopardy.
Every week, I'm supposed
to take four hours
and do a quality spot-check
at the paper mill.
And, of course,
the one year I blow it off,
this happens.
We have a lot of angry
customers out there.
This puts us
at threat level Midnight.
Accounting, you are on customer
service duty today.
That's really not our job.
Midnight, Oscar!
Don't worry, Kelly will be
training you first.
Kelly's training us?
This day is bananas.
B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
This day is bananas.
B-A-N-A...
I don't have a headache.
I'm just preparing.
Jim, big fire in your house.
Your client,
Dunmore High School,
sent out their prom invitations
on this paper.
- Went home to all the kids.
- Yeah, I got a call out on them.
No, no, no.
Not good enough.
This is a keystone account.
I want you in the school.
In person.
- Sure. I want you
to bring a partner.
We need somebody
who's actually made a sale.
Andy, you go.
William Dolittle,
at your service.
AKA, Will Do.
Yeah, I'm definitely
gonna go alone.
No, no.
I need two men on this.
That's what she said.
No time!
But she did.
No time!
Dwight, I want you to be in
charge of the press conference.
Yes! You're entering
the "No Spin Zone."
We're having a press conference?
No, Pam, the press is just
gonna find out by themselves.
Not.
Here's the thing.
best thing to do is to call
a press conference.
Alert the media,
and then you control the story.
Wait for them to find out,
and the story controls you.
That's what happened to O.J.
I have invited Barbara Allen,
one of our oldest clients,
to come in here
and meet with me
for a personal apology.
The press wants a story.
I will give them a story.
Oh, did the press
ask for a story?
Here is your headline.
"Scranton-area paper company,
Dunder-Mifflin,
"apologizes to valued client.
"Some companies still know
how business is done."
Okay?
Battle stations, everybody.
Let's go, go, go, go, go!
Yes, hello.
Creed Bratton,
Quality Assurance.
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton.
I was supposed to meet
with one of your floor managers
last week
for a quality inspection,
and he or she wasn't there.
And I'm trying to remember
who it was.
Mm-hmm.
Who wasn't there last week?
Debbie Brown.
And which day was that?
Wednesday the 11th.
Perfect.
The only difference between me
and a homeless man is this job.
I will do whatever it takes
to survive.
Like I did...
when I was a homeless man.
Look, I know the reason
that you guys became accountants
is 'cause you're not good
at interacting with people.
But guess what?
From now on,
you guys are no longer losers.
So give yourselves
a round of applause.
I wonder how many
phone calls you're missing
while you're teaching us
to answer calls.
I know, right?
Probably a lot.
Can you just tell us
what we need to do so we can go?
Okay, Angela.
I love your enthusiasm.
All you need to know how to do
is pick up the phone and say,
"Customer Service.
This is Kelly."
Except don't say Kelly.
Say your own name.
Or, if you're bored,
you can just make up a name.
Like one time
I said I was Bridget Jones,
and I talked like this
for the whole conversation.
Ooh, can I be...
Australian, mate?
Absolutely!
'Ello, mate.
I like ice cream.
I need a boyfriend.
I like ice cream, too, mate.
Alli-gators
and dingo babies.
Beer me.
What's that?
Hand me that water.
I always say, "Beer me."
Gets a laugh, like,
a quarter of the time.
So how's what's-her-name?
You know her name.
Who, Karen?
Yeah, she's only one of
my oldest friends.
Mm. How's the apartment
hanging?
It's fine.
Nice.
Check out this sunshine, man.
Global warming, right?
Today was supposed to be
really cold, I bet.
What about music?
Do you have any music?
Uh, yeah.
Should have said so.
I was thinking
more like a CD or...
a CD?
Your call, dude.
My girlfriend
made an awesome mix.
Beer me that disc.
Lord, beer me strength.
So, Tuna, when we get in there,
let's do a really
good job, okay?
Did that really need to be said?
Well, not everything
a guy says needs to be said.
Sometimes it's just about
the music of a conversation.
Whoa, what the...
why is my girlfriend here?
Oh, is she that
teacher in the white?
No, she's a part-time
frozen yogurt chef.
Which one is she?
The one in the green hoodie.
Wow!
I wonder if she's, like,
a guidance counselor
or something?
No.
I don't think so.
- She's probably a tutor.
- Nope.
- She's probably a te...
- No.
- She's...
- No.
Okay, press conference in 45.
Dwight, make sure
this place looks nice.
On it.
Okay, Karen, Ryan, Pam.
Pam, run a comb
through your hair.
First rule in roadside
beet sales:
put the most
attractive beets on top.
The ones that make you pull
the car over and go,
"Wow, I need this beet
right now."
Those are the money beets.
Hey!
Look sharp.
Hey, uh, hi.
Hello.
Dwight Schrute.
And you must be, uh,
from The Washington Post.
Scranton Times.
Chad Lite.
"Lighter Side of Life."
And "Breaking
Corporate News."
And obits.
Oh, dear God.
You've been granted
level 3 security clearance.
Don't get too excited.
That's out of 20.
Right this way.
Regional Manager Michael Scott
will be addressing the client
in the press room shortly.
Have a seat.
Can I get you a beverage?
- Uh, yeah, I'd like a...
- Great.
Oh, Andy, you know what?
We don't have a lot of time,
so we should probably...
- Jamie.
- Andy... oh!
- What are you doing here?
- Andy?
Are you a student here?
Oh... yeah.
You never told me
you were in high school.
This is weird.
I gotta go to Spanish.
Oh, my God!
Oh my God.
I had no idea.
Well... that's not gonna
hold up in court.
We didn't do anything illegal.
Except knock over a mailbox
with her friends.
Sir, yes, you have
a valid point.
I'm sorry.
No, I am so sorry.
Really?
Dickson City.
Excuse me?
Well, I don't see
how that's our fault.
the official position
of Dunder-Mifflin is apologetic.
So I don't know
what you want from me.
Okay, first I just wanna say
that you are doing so good.
Look, you have so
many good qualities
that the one that you
might wanna work on
is... apologizing?
When I went over Wednesday
for the spot check,
I got a call from Debbie Brown
saying she has an emergency
dentist appointment.
Emergency dentist appointment.
Now I'm told she told
her manager she had the flu.
I'm a trusting guy, but, uh...
I just wish
Debbie Brown had been there.
We would have caught this.
Yes.
I'll be sure someone
returns your call.
I'm so sorry.
Bye.
Hello. I'm looking
for Michael Scott.
Mrs. Allen is our
most important client.
Because every client
is our most important client.
Even though she's a pretty
unimportant client, really.
And so, with the eyes
of the nation upon us,
I would like to say
that Dunder-Mifflin
truly regrets
this unfortunate incident.
And, as a gesture of gratitude
for your continued loyalty,
Mrs. Allen,
I would like to present you
with this novelty check
for six months of free paper,
or 25 reams,
whichever comes first.
You look good in this.
So... let us consider
this matter ended.
Well, it isn't ended.
I'm... I'm very angry.
I could have lost business.
I know.
I know you're angry.
And we are truly, truly sorry.
I don't accept your apology.
The watermark was obscene
and horrifying.
Well...
we are extremely sorry.
I don't accept.
I'll be with you in a moment.
Alright.
Who was that guy she was talking
to... at here locker?
Not important. Because you're
not dating her.
Because it's a felony.
But who was that guy?
Probably another high school
student.
The issue with the watermark is
very serious.
We teach our students that
character counts.
And you should.
You don't teach it well enough.
One of your students is a bitch.
Andy is having a real rough day
today.
I wanna take out an ad in your
school yearbook.
Whole page, two words.
Good luck.
That's not what I had in mind.
Ask where he's from.
Where are you from?
Ohio? That's nice.
So what do you want?
He's upset about the watermark.
Now tell him that
it was an unfortunate error,
and we're doing everything
we can do to fix it,
and that you're sorry.
It was an unfortunate error.
We're fixing it.
And you already got
your money back...
And you're sorry.
And the company
has already apologized,
so you can take that
apology or not.
I think he had
Tourette's or something.
We are going to do
everything humanly possible
to ensure that this
never happens again.
Well, it doesn't help.
Because it already
happened to me.
The watermark...
it's a one-time thing.
I don't care.
It was disgusting!
Cartoon characters having sex?
May I point out that the sex
appeared to be consensual.
Both animals were smiling.
- Okay.
I grew up on a farm.
I have seen animals having sex
in every position imaginable.
Goat on chicken,
chicken on goat.
Couple of chickens doing a goat.
Couple of pigs watching.
Whoever drew this
got it exactly right.
What... can I do
for you?
For starters,
I think that you should resign.
Well...
Okay. Well...
Um, wasn't really my fault.
The guys at the paper
mill... You're the head...
It was a guy at the paper mills.
No, no, no.
I'm the head of the company? Yes, and
that makes it your responsibility...
No, I'm a regional manager.
Okay, this is insane.
You can get out of here.
Get out! That's insane. Fine.
We'll give this to somebody
who will appreciate it.
It's nontransferable.
Doesn't matter.
Out, please!
I'm calling
the Better Business Bureau.
Yeah, well, I'm calling
the Ungrateful Bee-otch Hotline!
Did you get all that?
Everything.
We gotta do something.
This is spinning
out of control, Pam.
This is just not...
It's just The Scranton Times.
No, then Newsweek picks it up.
And then CNN
does a story about it.
And then... YouTube
gets a hold of it.
I really think the whole thing
is just gonna blow over
in, like, a week or two.
You're right.
It will blow over.
But it's not going to take...
a week or two.
Do you know what this is for?
Yes.
Michael likes me
to run the camera
when he makes
his apology videos.
He says he needs
a woman's touch.
Okay, I think that's good.
"Hello, I am Michael Scott,
"Regional Manager
of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton.
"By now, you are probably
sick of hearing about
"Dunder-Mifflin and our
embarrassing watermark boner.
"Let me tell you something.
Something from the heart.
"I am not leaving this office.
"It will take a SWAT team
"to remove me from this office,
and maybe not even that."
Uh, you could never
withstand a SWAT team.
That's how devoted I am
to this job.
- I'm just saying.
- I know.
They would flank you,
throw in a concussion grenade.
I understand that, Dwight.
- You'd be on the ground...
Do you think
you're taking it a little...
literally, Dwight?
And now we're wasting tape.
I'm gonna have
to cut this all out.
Can you say "cut"...
- Cut.
So I know where to...
- Cut.
I'm asking Pam to do it, please.
Cut.
Okay, ready?
Kevin, what's four plus seven?
Eleven.
Yeah, well, you didn't know that
when you filled out
this payroll form.
Yeah, well, at least I didn't
suck at customer relations.
Ooh, yes!
Facial!
Yes.
You two are apes.
I expect you to apologize
for that, Angela.
I'm sorry.
That you're both morons.
But you still said,
"I'm sorry."
I called you morons.
Still said it.
Still said it, so...
Five, four, three.
"There is no way
"I will resign.
"It wouldn't be fair.
"Not to the good workers
I work with,
"not to my clients,
"and especially not to me.
"Let's not forget
"who this whole resigning
business is about, anyway.
"If I could leave you
with one thought,
"remember... it wasn't me.
"They're trying to make me
an escape goat.
"If I am fired, I swear to God
"that every single piece
of copier paper in this town
"is going to have
the F-word on it.
The F-word."
You have one day.
One day for what?
That's... they always
give an ultimatum.
Okay.
Good? Cut.
Cut.
That was your best
apology video ever.
I thought so too.
Got a farewell card
for Debbie Brown.
I thought maybe
you'd like to sign it.
Maybe throw a couple
of bucks in there for her.
She's got some children.
I feel terrible
about Debbie Brown.
She got fired because of Dwight.
So I thought I'd pass around
a good-bye card.
Maybe everyone could put in
a couple of bucks
to help her through
these difficult times.
Why do bad things always happen
to the good people?
It's tragic.
Just tragic.
You want music?
I don't care.
Come on, man.
Just give it a couple days.
I think you'll be all right.
Yeah.
You know what?
I-I don't...
Sweet.
Pam?
Hey, Dwight.
You look really nice today.
Psh!
I look like an idiot.
Hey, Karen.
Hey, Dwight.
Lookin' sharp.
Yeah, that's 'cause I'm...
your boyfriend, Jim Halpert.
Hey, Karen,
and have sexual intercourse,
'cause you're my girlfriend?
- Do you?
- No.
- Okay.
- I'm good. Thanks.
Look at that.
I'm Jim Halpert.
Spot on.
Blah, blah, a little comment.
Yeah.
That's better.
Question.
What kind of bear is best?
That's a ridiculous question.
False.
Black bear.
Well, that's debatable.
There are basically
two schools of thought...
Fact.
Bears eat beets.
Bears. Beets.
Battlestar Galactica.
Bears do not...
What is going on?
What are you doing?
Last week, I was in a drugstore,
and I saw these glasses.
Uh, $4.
And it only cost me $7.
To recreate the rest
of the ensemble,
and that's a grand total of...
$11.
You know what?
Imitation is the most
sincere form of flattery.
So I thank you.
Identity theft
is not a joke, Jim!
Millions of families suffer
every year!
Michael!
Oh, that's funny.
Michael!
Yes, I understand.
Can I transfer you
to Customer Relations?
Absolutely.
I couldn't be
more sorry about this.
I know, I know.
We're all trying to get
to the bottom of this.
I am upset.
Don't I sound upset?
I totally agree.
Well, we're going to be
recalling all of that paper.
We have a crisis.
Apparently, a disgruntled
employee at the paper mill
decided that it would be funny
to put an obscene watermark
on our 24-pound
cream letter stock.
500 boxes has gone out
with the image
of a beloved cartoon duck
performing...
unspeakable acts upon a...
certain cartoon mouse
that a lot of people like.
I've never been a fan.
Everybody in here, STAT.
No time to lose.
Cry-Man Squaw, F and C,
double time.
Cry-Man Squaw?
Crisis Management Squad.
F and C, double time?
Front and center,
twice as fast
as you would normally go.
Why are you talking like that?
To save time, Jim.
Actually, I think
you could make the argument
that it wastes time.
Yeah, she has a good point.
I mean, for example,
with the last thing you said,
by the time you explained it,
it actually took up more time.
You know what?
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Forget it.
Where's Creed?
Creed, quality assurance.
Here.
Your job.
I really think you screwed
the pooch on this one, Creed.
Because of you, the entire
company is in jeopardy.
Every week, I'm supposed
to take four hours
and do a quality spot-check
at the paper mill.
And, of course,
the one year I blow it off,
this happens.
We have a lot of angry
customers out there.
This puts us
at threat level Midnight.
Accounting, you are on customer
service duty today.
That's really not our job.
Midnight, Oscar!
Don't worry, Kelly will be
training you first.
Kelly's training us?
This day is bananas.
B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
This day is bananas.
B-A-N-A...
I don't have a headache.
I'm just preparing.
Jim, big fire in your house.
Your client,
Dunmore High School,
sent out their prom invitations
on this paper.
- Went home to all the kids.
- Yeah, I got a call out on them.
No, no, no.
Not good enough.
This is a keystone account.
I want you in the school.
In person.
- Sure. I want you
to bring a partner.
We need somebody
who's actually made a sale.
Andy, you go.
William Dolittle,
at your service.
AKA, Will Do.
Yeah, I'm definitely
gonna go alone.
No, no.
I need two men on this.
That's what she said.
No time!
But she did.
No time!
Dwight, I want you to be in
charge of the press conference.
Yes! You're entering
the "No Spin Zone."
We're having a press conference?
No, Pam, the press is just
gonna find out by themselves.
Not.
Here's the thing.
best thing to do is to call
a press conference.
Alert the media,
and then you control the story.
Wait for them to find out,
and the story controls you.
That's what happened to O.J.
I have invited Barbara Allen,
one of our oldest clients,
to come in here
and meet with me
for a personal apology.
The press wants a story.
I will give them a story.
Oh, did the press
ask for a story?
Here is your headline.
"Scranton-area paper company,
Dunder-Mifflin,
"apologizes to valued client.
"Some companies still know
how business is done."
Okay?
Battle stations, everybody.
Let's go, go, go, go, go!
Yes, hello.
Creed Bratton,
Quality Assurance.
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton.
I was supposed to meet
with one of your floor managers
last week
for a quality inspection,
and he or she wasn't there.
And I'm trying to remember
who it was.
Mm-hmm.
Who wasn't there last week?
Debbie Brown.
And which day was that?
Wednesday the 11th.
Perfect.
The only difference between me
and a homeless man is this job.
I will do whatever it takes
to survive.
Like I did...
when I was a homeless man.
Look, I know the reason
that you guys became accountants
is 'cause you're not good
at interacting with people.
But guess what?
From now on,
you guys are no longer losers.
So give yourselves
a round of applause.
I wonder how many
phone calls you're missing
while you're teaching us
to answer calls.
I know, right?
Probably a lot.
Can you just tell us
what we need to do so we can go?
Okay, Angela.
I love your enthusiasm.
All you need to know how to do
is pick up the phone and say,
"Customer Service.
This is Kelly."
Except don't say Kelly.
Say your own name.
Or, if you're bored,
you can just make up a name.
Like one time
I said I was Bridget Jones,
and I talked like this
for the whole conversation.
Ooh, can I be...
Australian, mate?
Absolutely!
'Ello, mate.
I like ice cream.
I need a boyfriend.
I like ice cream, too, mate.
Alli-gators
and dingo babies.
Beer me.
What's that?
Hand me that water.
I always say, "Beer me."
Gets a laugh, like,
a quarter of the time.
So how's what's-her-name?
You know her name.
Who, Karen?
Yeah, she's only one of
my oldest friends.
Mm. How's the apartment
hanging?
It's fine.
Nice.
Check out this sunshine, man.
Global warming, right?
Today was supposed to be
really cold, I bet.
What about music?
Do you have any music?
Uh, yeah.
Should have said so.
I was thinking
more like a CD or...
a CD?
Your call, dude.
My girlfriend
made an awesome mix.
Beer me that disc.
Lord, beer me strength.
So, Tuna, when we get in there,
let's do a really
good job, okay?
Did that really need to be said?
Well, not everything
a guy says needs to be said.
Sometimes it's just about
the music of a conversation.
Whoa, what the...
why is my girlfriend here?
Oh, is she that
teacher in the white?
No, she's a part-time
frozen yogurt chef.
Which one is she?
The one in the green hoodie.
Wow!
I wonder if she's, like,
a guidance counselor
or something?
No.
I don't think so.
- She's probably a tutor.
- Nope.
- She's probably a te...
- No.
- She's...
- No.
Okay, press conference in 45.
Dwight, make sure
this place looks nice.
On it.
Okay, Karen, Ryan, Pam.
Pam, run a comb
through your hair.
First rule in roadside
beet sales:
put the most
attractive beets on top.
The ones that make you pull
the car over and go,
"Wow, I need this beet
right now."
Those are the money beets.
Hey!
Look sharp.
Hey, uh, hi.
Hello.
Dwight Schrute.
And you must be, uh,
from The Washington Post.
Scranton Times.
Chad Lite.
"Lighter Side of Life."
And "Breaking
Corporate News."
And obits.
Oh, dear God.
You've been granted
level 3 security clearance.
Don't get too excited.
That's out of 20.
Right this way.
Regional Manager Michael Scott
will be addressing the client
in the press room shortly.
Have a seat.
Can I get you a beverage?
- Uh, yeah, I'd like a...
- Great.
Oh, Andy, you know what?
We don't have a lot of time,
so we should probably...
- Jamie.
- Andy... oh!
- What are you doing here?
- Andy?
Are you a student here?
Oh... yeah.
You never told me
you were in high school.
This is weird.
I gotta go to Spanish.
Oh, my God!
Oh my God.
I had no idea.
Well... that's not gonna
hold up in court.
We didn't do anything illegal.
Except knock over a mailbox
with her friends.
Sir, yes, you have
a valid point.
I'm sorry.
No, I am so sorry.
Really?
Dickson City.
Excuse me?
Well, I don't see
how that's our fault.
the official position
of Dunder-Mifflin is apologetic.
So I don't know
what you want from me.
Okay, first I just wanna say
that you are doing so good.
Look, you have so
many good qualities
that the one that you
might wanna work on
is... apologizing?
When I went over Wednesday
for the spot check,
I got a call from Debbie Brown
saying she has an emergency
dentist appointment.
Emergency dentist appointment.
Now I'm told she told
her manager she had the flu.
I'm a trusting guy, but, uh...
I just wish
Debbie Brown had been there.
We would have caught this.
Yes.
I'll be sure someone
returns your call.
I'm so sorry.
Bye.
Hello. I'm looking
for Michael Scott.
Mrs. Allen is our
most important client.
Because every client
is our most important client.
Even though she's a pretty
unimportant client, really.
And so, with the eyes
of the nation upon us,
I would like to say
that Dunder-Mifflin
truly regrets
this unfortunate incident.
And, as a gesture of gratitude
for your continued loyalty,
Mrs. Allen,
I would like to present you
with this novelty check
for six months of free paper,
or 25 reams,
whichever comes first.
You look good in this.
So... let us consider
this matter ended.
Well, it isn't ended.
I'm... I'm very angry.
I could have lost business.
I know.
I know you're angry.
And we are truly, truly sorry.
I don't accept your apology.
The watermark was obscene
and horrifying.
Well...
we are extremely sorry.
I don't accept.
I'll be with you in a moment.
Alright.
Who was that guy she was talking
to... at here locker?
Not important. Because you're
not dating her.
Because it's a felony.
But who was that guy?
Probably another high school
student.
The issue with the watermark is
very serious.
We teach our students that
character counts.
And you should.
You don't teach it well enough.
One of your students is a bitch.
Andy is having a real rough day
today.
I wanna take out an ad in your
school yearbook.
Whole page, two words.
Good luck.
That's not what I had in mind.
Ask where he's from.
Where are you from?
Ohio? That's nice.
So what do you want?
He's upset about the watermark.
Now tell him that
it was an unfortunate error,
and we're doing everything
we can do to fix it,
and that you're sorry.
It was an unfortunate error.
We're fixing it.
And you already got
your money back...
And you're sorry.
And the company
has already apologized,
so you can take that
apology or not.
I think he had
Tourette's or something.
We are going to do
everything humanly possible
to ensure that this
never happens again.
Well, it doesn't help.
Because it already
happened to me.
The watermark...
it's a one-time thing.
I don't care.
It was disgusting!
Cartoon characters having sex?
May I point out that the sex
appeared to be consensual.
Both animals were smiling.
- Okay.
I grew up on a farm.
I have seen animals having sex
in every position imaginable.
Goat on chicken,
chicken on goat.
Couple of chickens doing a goat.
Couple of pigs watching.
Whoever drew this
got it exactly right.
What... can I do
for you?
For starters,
I think that you should resign.
Well...
Okay. Well...
Um, wasn't really my fault.
The guys at the paper
mill... You're the head...
It was a guy at the paper mills.
No, no, no.
I'm the head of the company? Yes, and
that makes it your responsibility...
No, I'm a regional manager.
Okay, this is insane.
You can get out of here.
Get out! That's insane. Fine.
We'll give this to somebody
who will appreciate it.
It's nontransferable.
Doesn't matter.
Out, please!
I'm calling
the Better Business Bureau.
Yeah, well, I'm calling
the Ungrateful Bee-otch Hotline!
Did you get all that?
Everything.
We gotta do something.
This is spinning
out of control, Pam.
This is just not...
It's just The Scranton Times.
No, then Newsweek picks it up.
And then CNN
does a story about it.
And then... YouTube
gets a hold of it.
I really think the whole thing
is just gonna blow over
in, like, a week or two.
You're right.
It will blow over.
But it's not going to take...
a week or two.
Do you know what this is for?
Yes.
Michael likes me
to run the camera
when he makes
his apology videos.
He says he needs
a woman's touch.
Okay, I think that's good.
"Hello, I am Michael Scott,
"Regional Manager
of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton.
"By now, you are probably
sick of hearing about
"Dunder-Mifflin and our
embarrassing watermark boner.
"Let me tell you something.
Something from the heart.
"I am not leaving this office.
"It will take a SWAT team
"to remove me from this office,
and maybe not even that."
Uh, you could never
withstand a SWAT team.
That's how devoted I am
to this job.
- I'm just saying.
- I know.
They would flank you,
throw in a concussion grenade.
I understand that, Dwight.
- You'd be on the ground...
Do you think
you're taking it a little...
literally, Dwight?
And now we're wasting tape.
I'm gonna have
to cut this all out.
Can you say "cut"...
- Cut.
So I know where to...
- Cut.
I'm asking Pam to do it, please.
Cut.
Okay, ready?
Kevin, what's four plus seven?
Eleven.
Yeah, well, you didn't know that
when you filled out
this payroll form.
Yeah, well, at least I didn't
suck at customer relations.
Ooh, yes!
Facial!
Yes.
You two are apes.
I expect you to apologize
for that, Angela.
I'm sorry.
That you're both morons.
But you still said,
"I'm sorry."
I called you morons.
Still said it.
Still said it, so...
Five, four, three.
"There is no way
"I will resign.
"It wouldn't be fair.
"Not to the good workers
I work with,
"not to my clients,
"and especially not to me.
"Let's not forget
"who this whole resigning
business is about, anyway.
"If I could leave you
with one thought,
"remember... it wasn't me.
"They're trying to make me
an escape goat.
"If I am fired, I swear to God
"that every single piece
of copier paper in this town
"is going to have
the F-word on it.
The F-word."
You have one day.
One day for what?
That's... they always
give an ultimatum.
Okay.
Good? Cut.
Cut.
That was your best
apology video ever.
I thought so too.
Got a farewell card
for Debbie Brown.
I thought maybe
you'd like to sign it.
Maybe throw a couple
of bucks in there for her.
She's got some children.
I feel terrible
about Debbie Brown.
She got fired because of Dwight.
So I thought I'd pass around
a good-bye card.
Maybe everyone could put in
a couple of bucks
to help her through
these difficult times.
Why do bad things always happen
to the good people?
It's tragic.
Just tragic.
You want music?
I don't care.
Come on, man.
Just give it a couple days.
I think you'll be all right.
Yeah.
You know what?
I-I don't...
Sweet.
Pam?
Hey, Dwight.
You look really nice today.
Psh!
I look like an idiot.
Hey, Karen.
Hey, Dwight.
Lookin' sharp.
Yeah, that's 'cause I'm...
your boyfriend, Jim Halpert.
Hey, Karen,
and have sexual intercourse,
'cause you're my girlfriend?
- Do you?
- No.
- Okay.
- I'm good. Thanks.
Look at that.
I'm Jim Halpert.
Spot on.
Blah, blah, a little comment.
Yeah.