The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 14 - Harry & Mindy - full transcript

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(Mindy) The empire state
building on Valentine's day,

the most romantic building in the world

on the most romantic day of the year.

So many memorable romances
have played out here.

Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant

in an affair to remember.

[As James Cagney] "Give me
a smooch, right on the mug, see?"

I do a pretty spot-on
Cary Grant.

And of course,
the second-best romantic comedy

that Meg Ryan and tom Hanks ever made:

Sleepless in Seattle.



Every couple weeks, I buy a ticket

and hang out in the lobby
of the empire state building

to see if I will meet my one true love.

Captain, she's back.

So you come here regularly

to monitor the base of the building.

I'm here to meet that special someone,

and when I do,
we're gonna go to the top,

and then, boom!
Fireworks.

And who is that person?

I haven't met him yet,

but I can tell when I find him,

we're going to spend eternity together.

Could you describe him?



All right, well,
he's in his mid-30s.

He is tall, dark,
intense, mysterious...

You understand why
what you're telling us

would cause us serious concern.

Yeah. I can't help it,

you know, even though it's dangerous,

because I am a true believer.

Hey, we're gonna need Miller
from homeland security.

Homeland security?

That's a cool show.

Why do you have a bag with a passport

and three cell phones?

Okay, well, this is for the Internet,

this is for texting,

and this flip phone
is because I do not know

how to transfer my old contacts.

You know, we've been
spending so much time

talking about me

that I haven't asked you anything.

- What are you into?
- Protecting this building.

Ooh, I love that.
It's so old-fashioned.

You have great facial hair.

I love a guy with a beard.

Can I touch it?

Hands on the table, please.

Hey, it's cool if you're into me.

Kevin Garnett once bought me
a coke at a P.F. Chang's.

You're not helping yourself.

I'm just saying
I don't see a wedding ring.

Is there a Mrs. confederated
security solutions?

Oh, my God.

You could've just said yes!

[Upbeat hip-hop music]

[Woman vocalizing]

♪

Dr. Lahiri,
there's something wrong

with Dr. Castellano.

He might be dead.
What?

There's definitely a smell.
Okay.

Danny... oh, my God.

Holy crap!
What the hell?

[Whack] Yep?

Danny, get up.
Are you kidding me?

Okay, I'm up.
Put some pants on.

I can see the outline of your penis.

I know that eye patch dumped you,

but you can't just spend the night
in your office, drunk,

playing weird Bruce Springsteen
songs on your tiny piano.

Stop that.

What's... oh, God.
I stood up too quick.

This is awful. What's
the matter with you? [Groans]

Your voice is too loud.

This isn't me.
It's you.

Okay, that is not me.

When I lay on the floor, it's adorable,

and it is tragic.

When you lay on the floor,

you look like
an upside-down ladybug.

My God, am I the only person
not crawling about

on the floor today?

You guys, I dropped
a Mike and Ike on the floor.

I need all eyes on this.

Danny, you're a grown-up.
Get up.

You're right.

I'm gonna get myself together.

I'm gonna pull it together.

I'm gonna meet another girl.
It's gonna be good.

I have found that
when I am heartbroken,

it is actually best
to throw myself into work.

Which is why, on Thursday,
I am going to do you

the favor of giving you
all of my patients

for the whole night.

Mindy, it's fine.

I'll look after your patients
on Thursday.

You enjoy your Valentine's day.

Oh, is Thursday Valentine's day?
Yes. Nice.

I-I hadn't remembered.
Okay.

Wait, how come you, of all people,

don't have plans on Valentine's day?

Well, as a man who's looking to avoid

a committed relationship,

Valentine's day can be
something of a minefield.

"Oh, a dozen roses.
You must really like me."

"Hey, do you want to share
a dessert?"

"Oh, that means you must want to meet
my parents, who live in Minneapolis."

It's an emotional Bosnia.

Think I'll sit it out, thanks.
Well, great.

Then I can have Valentine's day
with Jamie.

As in Jamie and Lucy?

Now, there's a great couple.

Nope, not as in Jamie and Lucy.

As in Jamie and Mindy.

But aren't you worried
about the incredible chemistry

they seem to have?

They don't have good chemistry.

I have good chemistry with Jamie.

I'm really lonely.

(Jamie) Moma was such
a fun idea, Mindy.

I love modern art museums.
Yeah.

I feel like they're less intimidating

'cause I think I could do the art.

Oh, you know what?
Your sticker is coming off.

Oh, actually, leave it.

I like people to know that I had

a more cultural day than they did.

Oh, it's like the artsy version
of "I voted."

Oh, yes, I have a ski lift ticket

on my parka from two years ago.

When you teach Latin for a living,

it helps to look like
a huge jock sometimes.

Hey, you guys.

Sorry I'm late.

No, not at all.

It turns out the defendant's gang

had a copy of my home address,
became a thing. What?

- What?
- Oh, my God.

They always threaten me.
Nothing ever pans out.

Can you believe what
this girl deals with? No.

Every day, she looks murderers
in the eye and puts them

in prison for the rest of their lives.

- Wow.
- So important.

I mean, speaking
of stressful situations,

I delivered a baby last night.

He did not want to be born.

He was really mad at me.

I'm glad he didn't have
my home address.

[Chuckles] That's really funny.

Hey, seriously, though, you know,

if you ever fear for your
safety, you still have a key.

If you ever want to stay at my place,

you know you can, right?

Well, I would rather take on
the Sinaloa cartel

than deal with the water
pressure in this guy's shower.

[Laughs] It's not that bad.

[Laughs heartily] It's not that bad.

You're so great.

You should have a boyfriend.

I would love to meet a cool guy,
except all the guys I meet

are either 19-year-old murderers
or 80-year-old judges.

You know what, I think
I'm gonna find you someone.

No, I really wouldn't try.
Yeah, great.

This girl is the pickiest dater
I have ever met in my life.

No, no, I'm actually
a very good matchmaker.

Well, I wish you luck,

but no one's ever
good enough for this girl.

So I wouldn't even try.

(Jamie) So Mindy at the museum...

Ah, Danny.

Tear up that suicide note.
I have great news.

Okay, that wasn't a suicide note.

I was contesting a jaywalking ticket.

Oh. I am sorry about that.

Danny, I am going
to set you up on a date.

This morning you said I should
throw myself back into work.

That was, like, six hours ago, okay?

That's an entire lifetime
for some bugs.

You're gonna love this girl.

She is pretty.
She is smart.

She owns a motor scooter.
Ah.

It's Lucy.
Lucy of Jamie and Lucy?

They broke up?
I am dating Jamie

of Jamie and Mindy.

We kissed mouths, Danny.

Okay, I don't know.

I just... I don't know
if I'm ready.

Well, you would also
be doing me a huge favor.

If you spend time with Lucy,

then Jamie won't spend
as much time with her.

Also, this is a big deal.

I am setting you up with someone.

You never set me up with anybody.

That's not true.
I hooked you up with Reynaldo.

Your garbage man?
Yeah.

He was smokin' hot,
but he was a little pretentious.

A little bit too well read,
if I may say that.

Danny, please do this for me.

Can I think about it?
Danny!

You are so selfish!

I don't care if you're depressed!

Just help me out for once!
Okay, stop...

All right.
I am gonna die alone

unless you do this for me.
Stop hitting me.

I'll go on one date with her, okay?

Are you serious?
One.

Oh, my God, Danny,
thank you. Thank you.

Okay. When everyone's
mean about you,

I defend you most of the time.

Okay, I'm good on the hug, though.

Thanks.
To show my gratitude

for this kindness,

we can choose any city
of real housewives to watch.

[Sighs] Miami.

Yes.

[Women shouting on TV]

Deborah, do you like
working in the morgue?

Well, I don't get a lot
of patient complaints.

[Laughs]

It's funny that you work in the morgue

because my name
is morg-an.

Please wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Nope.

Nothing. Sorry.

[Sighs]
Uh, Dr. Reed.

Did you see me hit on that girl?

Unfortunately, I did, yes.

I've had my eye on her for a while.

I'm gonna take her
to the batting cages,

if you know what I mean.

Well, let me know
how that doesn't work out.

Okay, here's my plan.
I am going

to put these in the ladies' room

in all the stalls.

"Me with out go"...
No, no, read it up...

Oh. "Will you go out
with me?"

And then she'll be like, "what?

Yes."

Morgan, what if somebody uses
the bathroom before her?

Yep, not a good idea.

Plan "B."

Surprise her in her car tonight.

That's a felony.
Not on Valentine's day.

Doesn't matter what the holiday is.
Check the laws in this country.

I'm not even sure about that.

[Sighs] Morgan, wait.

- Maybe I could help you.
- Really?

Oh, God, that would be so good.

[Banging at door]

Coming, I'm coming.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Why are you so early?

- Ten minutes?
- Yeah.

You're ten minutes early, Danny,

which is worse than two hours late.

Those last ten minutes,

that's when I go from "whoa"
to "damn."

Wait a minute.

Why did I have to come
here first, anyways?

Well, you are going
on a date with my friend.

Mm-hmm.
And I wanted to make sure

that you didn't look weird.

You had, like, a mustache or something.

How would I grow a mustache
since this morning?

I don't know.
I'm not Italian.

Also, it's good when I'm getting pretty

for there to be a guy here,
so he can be like,

"hurry up! We're gonna be late!"
What?

Why are you looking at me?

Are you sure you want to wear that?

It being on me implies
that I want to wear it.

Okay. I like it.

Wow.

A whole room that's a closet?

You could make this into a little gym,

hang a heavy bag there.

Yeah, Danny, that's what I want.

I want a bag full of sand to punch

instead of all my clothes.

Okay, what about this one?
You like that?

Let me guess: You want me
to wear a little black dress,

push-up bra, high heels.

Boring, sexy, anonymous girl.

Sexy's not boring.

You got any food?
Cold cuts?

No, but I think I have
some pizza from election night.

I think this date's gonna be fun.

Let's take a shot.
You look nice.

- Thanks.
- To...

True love.
Sex with new people.

Danny.

Hey, guys.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Lucy, you remember Danny.
Danny, Lucy.

- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Beautiful.
Oh, man.

What?

That's a king salmon over there.

So?

Jillian studied the migration
of that fish.

No. Yeah.
That fish goes from salt water...

No. Stop it.
To fresh water.

It's an amazing fish.

They do it to mate.
Nobody cares.

To mate.
Danny, nobody cares.

- Hey.
- Hey, guys?

Is everything okay?

Really good.

Would you mind switching seats with me?

Because that fish is in my eye line,

just putting me in a...

A bad place emotionally right now.

The fish?

That one, yeah.
Yeah?

Yeah, sure. It's your eye line.
Do you mind?

Okay, great.
Thanks.

(Jamie) Wouldn't want to look

at something I didn't like.

Oh, yeah, thank you.
That's much better.

Good.

So can I ask what exactly
your problem is

with sea life?

Oh, it's just,
my ex was an oceanographer.

It's stupid.

Yeah, it is stupid.

Hey, look at this bread selection.

There's white bread.
There's the brown bread.

Just if I keep myself
from seeing triggers,

then, you know,

I don't fixate on her...

Ow!

Did somebody just kick me?

You okay? Ow!

(Mindy) Yeah, that is so weird.

I think that maybe
we should move tables,

or we could try not talking about exes

and see if the kicking stops.
You know what, though?

I have found that the hardest breakups

are the ones where you might have

underestimated the person
while you were with them,

I don't know if...

Yes. That's exactly
what I'm going through.

- Really?
- Yes.

It... it's like you're...

[Laughs] I know, it's so weird.

That's exactly what is going on

with me and Jillian.
No way.

Well, it was me, really.
I just...

Tell me about that.

- Uh, Jamie?
- Yeah.

I don't want to jinx this,

but I think
match-dot-Mindy

might have another success story.

You know, you can have
a friendship, maybe.

Yeah?

So, Morgan, you want to take

this girl to the batting cages.

I'm still not sure what those are.

Three-pronged attack,
Morgan.

Number one, casual approach.

Watch me, watch me, watch me.

What am I doing?
What am I doing?

What am I doing?
I don't know what you're gonna...

Now.

Wow, okay, you look like Joe Biden.

That is awesome.

Number two, initiate
some light physical contact.

- Okay.
- Oh, red.

Nice color.
Oh, yeah.

It's Valentine's day,
and it hides the blood.

That's disgusting. Number three.
Offer her something small.

A token of sorts.
It establishes a debt.

Got a free cola
from the vending machine.

Oh, I've actually been staring
at that thing all morning.

Thanks, doc.
I owe you one.

Oh! It's a...
Part of the routine.

- There it is.
- Okay.

It's the debt.
I got it.

You just give her
whatever you have on you.

Why not?
All right.

So I'll be like,
"hey, this is for you."

Where's the body?

I just found the head in the toilet.

Oh, God.

You never know a love song

until you have a broken heart, right?

Mm, yes.

And finally you realize
that all of these songs

that you thought
were so happy-sounding

are actually so sad.

Like you can call me Al.
Mm.

"Where is my wife and family?

What if I die here?"

Who'll be my role model
now that my... once my...

(Both) Role model's gone?

Man, I gotta download
that album again. Mm-hmm.

It's a great one.

I think they really like each other.

Well, they like Paul Simon.

So does everyone else on the planet.

No, it's like we're not even here.

Hey, guys.

Hey, there's four of us here.

So let's try to...
Oh.

Sorry.
Oh, it's okay.

Danny was just helping me

figure out where I should get
my first tattoo.

Uh-oh.
[Clears throat]

Um, you hate tattoos.

I don't think so.

I think I'm gonna get a tattoo as we.

A little butterfly
on the nape of my neck,

and it would signify
that I'm a free spirit...

What tattoo are you gonna get?

Well, I think I should
keep it a secret,

because where I want to get it,

only certain people would see it.

I-I don't know, Luce.

I worry that a tattoo
is a little short-sighted.

You know?
Mmm. Can I try that?

Is your grandson
really gonna understand

why you have a radiohead lyric

under your belly button?

I can't understand radiohead now.

Mmm!

Do you wanna have some of my COD?

I'm fine.
I just had some.

Wow, that lamb is so, mmm, succulent.

(Danny) It is succulent.

You are such a good orderer.
Thank you.

Pick a good restaurant,
and they say, you know,

the food orders itself, so...

Mmm, try this.
Okay.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Lucy!

- Your cold.
- Hmm?

She had this horrible cold last week.

I'm good with it.
I'll take it.

You might get something.

I'm not sick.
Do you want some of my COD?

I don't get sick that often.
I don't have a cold.

- You don't?
- No.

Eat off my fork.
It's romantic.

I don't need it.
I'm not hungry.

Eat off my fork, please.

Isn't that good?

[Choking]

You all right, buddy?

It was just a little piece of COD.

I'm so sorry.
It's got bones in it. That's why.

Hey, Jamie?
Are you good?

You choking, buddy?

They're doctors.
You should just...

Okay?
[Mouths words]

You sure?

I'm gonna...
It has bones in it.

I can Heimlich. I know.
Please let me Heimlich you.

(Mindy) Okay.

I'm not gonna let you die
in this weird restaurant, Jamie.

Should we get dessert?

(Danny) I think he's choking.

(Lucy) No, he's okay. [All gasp]

Jamie, stop!
[Grunting]

Jamie!

- Oh.
- Oh, boy.

Jamie, please stop doing that!

Hey, guys, don't worry about it.

She's a doctor.
She's got it.

[Choking]

I just don't understand why, in 2013,

restaurants have any bones
in their fish.

And while I appreciate
the gift certificate

as a gesture,

I did think the manager
was passive-aggressive,

the way that he gave it.

You remember that?

Hey, you know what?

I think I'm gonna
call it a night, Jamie.

You almost died.

My shoes are pinching me.

- So...
- No. No. No.

We're gonna continue this date.

I am gonna take you
to the most romantic place

in all of New York City.

And possibly the world.

(Man) Keep moving, guys.

Please, keep the line moving.

Jamie, I cannot believe you took me

to the empire state building
for Valentine's day.

Last year, the guy I was with,

he took me to an Indian casino,

and I lost $2,000.

[Chuckles] Well, this is actually

something I've always wanted to do.

And I figured I'd come
with the perfect person

on the perfect night.

[Elevator dings]

Next, please.

Wait, wait. Jamie.

Um, before we go
into the most romantic building

on the entire planet...
Yeah.

Can you just tell
me one thing? Yeah.

Just... you're not in love
with Lucy, are you?

Next, please.

Why do you keep saying
things like that?

It just seems like
you were really jealous

of her and Danny at dinner.

Okay, I'm not jealous of a guy

who wears boot cut jeans, all right?

See? That sounds jealous.

Lucy is my best friend.

Next.
And if I love her,

it's the way I would love a sister.

I have a brother, and if rishi
looked at me that way,

I would have to talk to our dad.

Next, next!

Let's go, lady.
Come on.

Okay, we're trying to sort
something out right now.

All right? Can you just give me
a break here?

Just look into your lover's eyes.

It's Valentine's day,
for God's sake. Come on.

Quick scenario, okay?

You are on death row
because you murdered a cop.

What?
This is hypothetical.

You can only see one more person
before they electrocute you.

Who would it be?

My lawyer

because I wouldn't do
something like that.

Okay, your lawyer bungled the case,

and you have one person
to see before you die.

You can say me if it's me.

It's Lucy.

I knew it.

You're good at this.

It's Lucy!

I'm in love with Lucy!

[Crowd exclaiming happily]

No, no, no, it's okay.
Don't...

I'm not Lucy.

[All groaning sadly]

No, I mean, it's not...

It's not, like, traumatizing.

It's okay. It's not...

It's just...
I'm okay with it.

[Crowd murmuring]

Okay, folks. Next.

Come on, let's go.

I'm a man in love!

[Groans] Oh, my God!

Jamie!

This has not been a good day for you.

Okay, all right.

That's it, Morgan.

Casual approach.

Okay, good.

Now some light contact.

Light.

What are you doing?

Morgan, human touching,
not dog touching.

Agh.

Good... good...
Good recovery, I guess.

Now parting gift, parting gift.

Come on, Morgan.
Come on.

Oh, he found the body.

She's into it.
Who knew? Okay.

I... it worked!

Bravo, Morgan!
Bravo.

Hey, man, I'm working here. Sorry.

You finally came for me, love!

Okay, shh.
You finally called my name!

Shh. Come on, come on.

You're gonna wake up my neighbors.

I can't believe this is
all because of you.

You showed me that love

was right in front

of my face.

All right, that's so great.

I never thought I would feel
this way, Mindy.

We can just walk.
It is great.

And not dance and stuff.

I've never done anything like this.

[Slosh] Okay.

The whole time.
Disgusting, water on my...

It's all because of you.

You are such an important character

in the story of Lucy and me.

Don't you realize that?

Yeah.
You're fate's helper.

I'm like the Joan Cusack character

in the romantic comedy
of your life, yeah.

Yes!
I can't believe it.

Can you believe this is me?

People are gonna think you're on drugs.

I'm in love!
Stop it, Jamie.

I'm flying.

Oh, my God.

Hey! What the hell,
you guys?

Hey, what's going on, love birds?

Actually, we kind of broke up.

And, for the record,
there is no kissing on my stoop.

That is a direct quote from my super.

Okay, well, I left my gloves
at your place.

So I just came here to pick them up.

Did you think you would find
them inside of her mouth?

You're making out with this guy?

This guy, they ask
if he wanted a cocktail,

and he ordered shrimp?

Why are you yelling?
Because I love you!

Really?

Okay, wait a minute.

I love you too!

Whoa, whoa, guys, we were
just kissing a second ago.

All right, I'm gonna call it
a night and head in.

Pardon me.
God, I've been dreaming about this

for 15 years!

Okay, can I... what made
you change your mind?

Can I squeeze by here?
My life flashed before my eyes

when I was choking.

Just... it suddenly dawned on me.
Excuse me.

Not to be a stickler,

but I-I was the person

who helped make it dawn on you.

Mindy helped. She was like
a supporting character.

Oh, thank you!

Let's take a walk.
Let's just get outta here.

That's the weirdest thing
I've ever seen.

You know, I feel like if I had
just worn the first dress,

that this wouldn't
have been the situation.

I don't think that's the problem.

Hey, Dr. Reed.
Morgan.

I'm gonna go pick up
three or four calzones

and crawl into bed.

Who am I kidding?
It's gonna be four.

What happened?
Did you strike out?

Ha. My first sports analogy.

I had her right where I wanted her.

And then, bam!

She dumps me literally the second

we're finished having sex.

Whoa, whoa, wait.

What... sex?

I did everything you told me.

I was playing it cool.

She pulls me into a supply closet.

We start having sex
in front of a bunch of mops.

You got exactly what you wanted.

I wanted to take her
to the batting cages.

I mean, you got the good stuff
without the boring stuff.

Home run.

Did it again.

The batting cages is the good stuff.

I don't want to have sex
with someone I care about

in a mop closet.

I want to do it the right way.

On the couch, in the living room,

after grandmother's asleep.

Morgan, I'm so sorry.

I need to make this up to you.

I feel like I've led you astray.

A stray?

Where is he?
[Groans]

We're gonna find him.

How'd he get in the building?
[Whistles]

Another one, another one.

You gotta choke up.
Don't get tired.

You can't quit.
We don't quit in America.

Whoa.

Check on that, Morgan.

Show me how you did that weird swing.

I want to try that.
That's pretty bad-ass.

You got, like, a Michael Caine,
Gary Sheffield...

Oh! Oh, God!

Right in the car keys.

Oh! Oh, ho, ho!

Oh!
[Sobbing]

Danny, I was this close

to spending Valentine's day
at the empire state building.

To put that in you terms,

that's like losing your virginity

at Yankee stadium.

See, that's your problem.

Yeah, no, that's what I'm doing, Danny.

I'm describing my problem.

Who told you the empire state
building was romantic?

A postcard at the airport gift shop?

Some dumb movie with tom Hanks

where he's hugging in the rain
and there's no umbrellas?

You know what?
Come here.

I want to show you something.

[Big band music playing]

This is it.

Oh, cool.

Your favorite pizza place.

Yeah, Danny, this does cheer me up.

Okay, I'm ready to go.
No, no, no.

I want to show you something.
Sit down.

Sal, can we get two slices?
You got it.

This, like, a setting
from goodfellas or something?

No, this is where I met my wife.

- What?
- Yep.

Here?
Yeah. Check this out.

I wanna show you this.

[Gasps]

Danny, you little felon.

That's awesome.
Her name was Christina?

Yep.

Were you ever like...

[Italian accent] "Eh, Christina,

I love you so much-a."

Yeah.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

I think I still really miss her.

Well, now you can...

What are you doing?

Why do you need
to take a picture of everything?

So that you always remember it
and you never forget.

Stop it.
I want to show Morgan.

No, don't...

We can tell him about it, okay?

Look, look, the most romantic
place in the world,

you don't know it's gonna be
romantic ahead of time.

Like, for you, it could be anywhere.

Like a barbershop

or an ATM shelter

or h&r block.

Danny, I'm pretty sure it's gonna be

the empire state building,

but those are very cute suggestions.

By the way, eye patch
was wrong about you.

You're not mean.

She just didn't know you well enough.

There you go, Danny.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

Thanks.

Hey, how the...
How is the pizza here?

Worst pizza in the city.

Oh.

Happy Valentine's day.
Happy Valentine's day.

Just want to take only the crust.

The crust is my favorite part.

You're so weird.

(Man) Go to bed.