The Middle (2009–2018): Season 4, Episode 17 - Wheel of Pain - full transcript

(Crow caws)

(Frankie) I know what
you're thinking--

how did I end up in prison?

Well, it all started with my
kids not brushing their teeth.

- Did you guys brush your teeth?
(Sue) - Yes.

- God.
(Brick) - We always do.

Good. Now chew these,
and we'll see how well.

I have an oral hygiene practical
tomorrow,

and I need to be able
to spot plaque

and teach
better brushing techniques.

I liked it better
when you worked at the car lot



and brought home doughnuts.

I liked it
when she brought home salary.

Uh, hey. Friendly reminder--

only 10 more days
till my Sweet 16,

or as I like to call it,
my "Sue-weet" 16. (Laughs)

That's ten days
away from driving,

two years away from voting,
and five years away

from having a glass of wine
to take the edge off.

Dad, I'm serious. Cassidy has
a later curfew than me.

Do you know how embarrassing
that is? Be a bro.

Well, I'll never be your bro,
but I'll bump it to 12:30.

Ha! I was trying for 12:30,
so I asked for 1:30.

You just got played.

Well, I would have gone
to 1:00.



So what's that
you kids say again?

Booyah?

(Dog barking in distance)
Okay. I'm thinking at the party,

everyone will bake
their own individual cakes.

That means between you, me,

Brad, Carly,
and the wrestlerettes,

that'd be seven cakes.

Ten if dad, Axl,
and Brick want to do it.

So seven.

Okay, did you guys
finish chewing?

'Cause I have to examine
your teeth

to see if there's
any tiny red spots

where you might have
missed brushing.

I don't have
your professional eye, Frankie.

Where'd they miss?

I'm making a list of games
to play for my "Sue-weet" 16.

And this is what
I have so far--

charades, celebrity charades,

Pictionary,

celebrity Pictionary--

Sue, if you have any prayer
of being remotely cool,

you gotta play the game
the cool kids are playing.

Surprised you haven't
heard of it yet.

It's called smell dad's boot.

(Muffled voice) - Aah! Get it off me!
- Oh! Smell it, Sue! Smell it!

- Axl! Oh, gross!
- How long can you last?

(Coughing)
Ha ha! Oh. Mere seconds.

Try sticking your head
in the hamper

to build your stamina and get that time up.
(Shoes thud)

(Laughs)

Here's a game, Axl--

it's called catch dad's boot
with your face!

(Pop, glass shatters)

Oh, nice job, Sue!
Look what you did!

It's not my fault!

It's your fault
with that stupid game.

Besides, Brick is the one
who sent it through the window.

I'm just impressed I hit it.

Oh, no. Oh, no, this is bad.
This is really, really bad.

When mom and dad come home,
they're gonna freak out.

And they're already dealing
with a broken car windshield.

And they don't even know
about the hole in my wall.

Uh, they fixed that a year ago.

- New hole.
- Seriously?

Okay, okay.
Well at least with three of us,

they'll have to spread
the punishment around.

We all did it,

and we are all just gonna
have to take responsibility.

Or... none of us did it,

and none of us are gonna
take responsibility.

What are you
talking about, Axl?

We have to.
We're the ones who did it.

Unless we didn't.

Unless we were
just sitting here,

and the Glossners came and threw
a rock through the window.

That's a very Glossner thing
to do.

Okay. Now, uh,
sprinkle the glass around

so it looks like the rock
came from outside.

Ow!

How come you don't have
to touch any glass?

'Cause I got fingerprinted
for the missing child program

back when mom and dad
still cared.

Yeah. Mm.
(Under breath) Let's see.

(Thuds)

Okay. Yeah. This is good.

Now look innocent.

Let's get
our stories straight. Sue!

Uh, we were just sitting
on the couch relaxing,

- watching TV--
- Brick!

When the Glossners viciously
threw a rock threw our window.

Excellent. (Chuckles)

(Gagging) (Whispers) I'm lying.

Thank you, Shorty's Pizza,

for rolling back prices
to the '50s. (Chuckles)

I like the '50s. It's the only
place I can afford.

I feel a little guilty that they
gave us all these extra pies

when they saw us
get into the church van.

Although we do
work with troubled teens.

I'm telling you, Frankie,
this thing is magic.

I rolled through
a stop sign last week

right in front of a cop,
and he just waved.

Don't push it, Mike, seriously.

Ask yourself,
"what would Jesus do?"

In this van?
Same thing I'm doing--

50 in a 35.
(Laughs)

You guys
never learned how to lie.

Clearly, our public schools
are failing us.

Brick, the first rule
of lying--

don't say you're lying.

I'm not trying to do it.
It-- it just happens.

Well, try this--
after you lie,

add something true
to the end of the lie,

that way you'll trick your brain
into thinking you're not lying.

Okay.

The Glossners threw
a rock through our window,

and...

it's dark outside.

Yes!

(Whispers)
The first part is a lie.

We'll work on that.

Sue, focus on
the details of the lie,

that way, you'll trick
your stomach into not barfing.

All right.
Uh, it-- it was 7:14,

and we heard a sound.

No-- it was 7:13
and a rock came.

No-- 7:14, because I had
just taken a bite of cheese.

Colby. No-- cheddar.

- And-- and--
- Okay. You suck at details.

Just make your point,
gloss over the rest.

(Car doors close) Oh, God.

We're out of time. Okay.

(Singsongy) I have pizza...
for the rest of your lives.

Thank havens you're home.
(Door closes)

We were just sitting here
watching TV,

when this rock came crashing
through the window.

What? Was anyone hurt?

(Exhales)

Who would do
something like that?

We looked outside,

and we saw
the Glossners running away.

One of them
was wearing a green shirt,

and the other had a hole
in his jeans... (Coughs)

and so on and so forth
and what have you.

You sure it was the Glossners?

Definitely.
I-I heard them laughing.

(Slurps) I don't believe this.

Why? It's all
very believable.

Okay. Enough's enough, Frankie.
I'm going over there.

What? Don't!

Why not?

Because, um, we thought
it was the Glossners,

- but we also heard tires.
- Tires?

Yes. Screeching away.

So it could have
been someone else.

Like the Maddens,

or the house on
the other end of the street

has that weird cousin that visits
from Des Moines. (Crunches)

And so on and so forth
and what have you.

So there you have it.
Could be the Glossners,

could be any number of
mischievous teens, really.

Guess we'll never know for sure.

(Sucks air)

(Whispers) - I'm--
- Done!

With this one. (Laughs)

Well, it is getting late,

and we all have homework
to do, right, guys?

- Right.
- Yes.

Okay. Don't forget your dinner.

I've seen enough episodes
of "Castle"

to know that something
is not right in this picture.

The glass is evenly laid out.

The rock is placed just so.

It's all a little too neat.

Only in this house

would broken glass all over
the floor be considered neat.

Hmm.

Hurry up. The bus is here.

Finish your breakfast pizza.
Take your lunch pizza.

Aw. I wanted pepperoni.

Oh, here.
You can have mine.

Oh, cool. Thanks, Sue.

Uh, ooh. Sausage anyone?

Ooh, I'll trade you
some plain cheese for it.

Oh, thank you.
Brick, you are the man.

- Thank you.
- Wait, Sue, come on. Let me help you here.

- Oh, thanks, Axl.
- There you go.

(Door opens and closes)
What the hell was that?

I don't know.

What was in those little red
tablets you gave 'em?

First the window,
now being civil and kind?

Something's definitely
up with them.

I'm telling ya,
they're in cahoots.

Hmm. Maybe it's just
a coincidence.

Mm. There are
no coincidences.

Only clues.

"Castle"?

It's a really good show, Mike.
You should watch.

(Sighs) Well, don't worry.

We'll get to the bottom
of this.

Hi, Axl.

I've been waiting for you.
(Gloves snap)

What's, uh, what's going on?

Why are you...
grinning like that?

Well, I'm getting
my dental rotation soon,

and I need to practice
so I get a good one.

Have a seat.

- I got a lot of homework
I gotta-- - Sit.

(Blows air)

Hi, dad.
What are you doing

with the Disney World trip
change jar?

Gotta pay
for the window somehow.

You know, the one
the Glossners or whoever broke.

But we've been saving up
this money for years.

I-I've dreamed of Disney World
since I was a little girl.

Yep. Shame.

Let's start
with the quarters. (Sighs)

What I'm trying
to wrap my head around is,

Brick said he definitely
heard the Glossners laughing.

(Mutters indistinctly)

But you and Sue said
you heard tires squealing.

I looked outside.
There's no tire marks.

What do you make of that?

I don't know. Aah.

Oops. Still learning.

Sure hope
that doesn't happen again.

Ah...

Wow. I had no idea
how close we were

to affording this trip.

Uh-huh.

(Clinks) So close.

Guess we'll just have to
start all over again.

Oh, well.

Oh, well!

You know,
it's funny, though--

you call me when there's
a ladybug in the house.

But when a rock
comes through the window,

no call.

(Laughs nervously)

I mean funny as in interesting.

Right.

What time...
(Clinks)

did you say the rock
came through the window again?

Between 7:00 and 8:00,
maybe closer to 8:00.

And so on and so forth,
and what have you.

I see.
And when you say,

"and so on and so forth
and what have you,"

what time have you?

(Clinks)

We done?

- We can be.
- Awesome.

It was Sue, wasn't it?

She can be clumsy.

An upturned carpet
and-- whoops! Broken window.

It was Axl, wasn't it?

Look, if you tell me
the truth right now,

there's a pair of mouse ears
with your name on it.

It wasn't Sue.
I heard two people laughing.

Could have been teen vandals,

could have been the Glossners,
okay?

It wasn't Axl!
It was the Glossners.

Or other bad teens...

and so on and so forth
and what have you!

The rock came through
the window at 7:42.

It wasn't a car.
It was a Vespa.

I'll pass it on to Brick.

Okay. Pass this on, too--

now there are worse things
mom can do to your mouth

than make food for it.

Having bombed out
with Axl and Sue,

Mike and I played
the only card we had left.

Where you guys going?

Nowhere. Just taking
Brick out for ice cream.

Um, I would actually
love some ice cream.

No, not you guys. Just Brick.

10 bucks on toppings.

He goes for all
the heavy stuff--

the brownie bits,
gummi bears, circus cookies--

and nothing.
He won't admit to anything.

(Mutters indistinctly)

I don't know.
I just don't get it.

Why are these kids
protecting each other?

Remember, ladies and... Scott,

today's work will
determine your rotation spot.

Do well, you'll be teaching
kindergarteners how to floss.

Do badly....

let's just say there are places
I wouldn't put my hands

with ten gloves on.

(Scoffs)
I hope I get a good rotation.

Mrs. Armwood and I
got off to a rocky start,

- and now it's like she's always up my--
- Frankie.

(Clank)Aah!

Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.

Are you okay--

(Squish) Ugh!

You know, lying is easier
that I thought it would be,

and I got ice cream.

Clearly, we've been playing
it wrong all these years.

(Mouth full) What do you mean?

What I mean is that together,
we are awesome.

But alone,
only I am still awesome.

- Huh? - They made a huge mistake
when they had three kids.

We outnumber them.
So as long as we stick together,

we get stronger,
and they get weaker.

There's nothing we can't do.

We don't want to clean
a garage this weekend?

We don't like
what's for dinner?

We wanna sell mom
to a rich man?

We can do it.

(Frankie) Guys?
Can you come out here, please?

Should we?
What do you think?

Eh. Why not
throw her a bone?

What is that?

It's from the church van.

The gift that keeps on givin'.

We like to call it
the wheel of pain.

See, your dad and I know

that you've all been lying
about the window.

And since no one has fessed up

and received
their fair punishment,

we're gonna let the wheel decide
who gets punished randomly.

Unless somebody wants to step up
and admit anything?

No.

- No.
- Nothing to admit.

Okay, then.
Time to play.

Mike, why don't you
tell us the categories?

Thanks, Frankie. We have "8 P.M.
curfew"... (Clacks)

"No reading"...
(Clacks)

And "no birthday party."

Ooh. I hope I get
"no reading."

Come on, "no reading."
Whoo!

That's not how
the wheel of pain works, Axl.

"No reading" would be
Brick's punishment

should the wheel land on it.

Your punishment
would be "8 P.M. curfew."

So wait. If it lands
on "no birthday party,"

that means I lose
my "Sue-weet 16"?

See? Sue gets it.

No. It only happens
once in a person's life.

That's so unfair.

Everyone has the same 1-in-3
chance to get punished, Sue.

But again, we don't
have to spin at all,

if someone comes forward.

No? Okay.

Well, Mike, let 'er rip.

(Clacking) Round and round
and round she goes.

Where she stops, nobody knows.

- No birthday party.
- Oh, my God!

O-o-okay. Y-you know what?

That was just a practice spin
to show how it works.

- You can't change the rules!
- That's not fair.

Let's do it
for real this time. Mike?

Yeah.

(Clacking) Round and round
and round she goes.

Where she stops, no...

birthday party.

Again? No! It's rigged!

It's not rigged, Sue.

Then how come the wheel of pain
always lands on me?

Tonight, or life in general?

Okay. This is the one
that really counts.

No more do-overs.

(Blows air)

(Clacking) Round and round,
and, uh, you get it.

(Clacking continues)

No!

I can't lose my party.

It's my Sweet 16.

It's the only birthday
that has its own adjective.

Man, they are really
playing hardball.

Got to admit, I did not
see that one coming. (Chuckles)

Oh, well.

"Oh, well"?

That's all you have to say?

You promised nothing bad would
happen if we stuck together,

and now the worst possible thing
is happening,

and it's only happening to me!

Taking one for the team, Sue--
there's no higher honor.

Screw the team!

I am gonna tell them
what really happened!

It is the only way
to get my "Sue-weet 16" back!

Sue, relax.
You're gonna get your party.

How can you know that?

'Cause mom caves.
She's a caver.

Axl's got a point, Sue.

Mom's all threat,
no follow-through.

She's just
a toothless old tiger.

You should have
heard 'em, Mike.

Saying that
I don't follow through.

That I'm a toothless old tiger.

Does that sound like me?

What, you don't think
I have follow-through?

I have follow-through.

(Dog barking in distance)

I get tired, okay?
They wear me down.

So this time,
stick to your guns.

Show 'em the tiger
still has teeth.

But it's Sue's Sweet 16.

I can't take that
away from her.

Then why'd you make the threat?

'Cause we're not allowed
to hit 'em.

If you didn't want
to take away Sue's party,

you never should have put it
on the wheel of pain.

I was just so sure
it was gonna land on Axl.

I kind of made his slice
a little bigger.

(Sighs) What if
it was the Glossners,

and I'm punishing Sue
for nothing?

(Exhales)
Okay. I won't cave.

So I was stuck
sticking to my guns,

but as the days passed,

Sue wasn't making it
any easier.

Hey, mom.

Uh, are we doing anything
for my birthday tomorrow?

I mean, I know I'm not having
a party, and I get it,

but I just wondered if we were, like,

having dinner as a family or something?

Not that we have to.

Mike, I think I figured it out.

You know, it just hit me--

I own a lot of plaid.

Sorry. What?

I figured out how to give
Sue back her Sweet 16

without looking like a spineless caver.

How?

You be the spineless caver. Hear me out.

If you let her have the party,
supposedly against my wishes,

then it's not really caving for you,

because you didn't make the threat.

And that way, we both get what we want.

And what is that again?

To maintain our authority as parents

but still let Sue have the party.

And what's this have
to do with the window?

Ugh. Keep up, Mike.

It stopped being about
the window a week ago.

Fine, Mike, have it your way.

Oh, Sue's right here. Go ahead. Tell her.

Tell her what you just told me.

Tell me what?

Well, apparently, your father thinks

that I'm being unreasonable,

and that you should have your party,

and it doesn't seem to matter what I say.

- Really?
- Yep.

He said a girl's Sweet 16

is just too important to take away.

- He did?
- Mm-hmm.

Personally, I think follow-through

is more important, 'cause I'm
all about the follow-through.

But your dad's overruling me, I guess.

Yep. When I see a wrong, I right it.

Aha! Ha ha!

Oh-ho! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you! I
love you so much, dad!

Mother.

That's right, Sue. For your gift,

you, me, and my mom have
rear mezzanine seats

to see Debbie Reynolds in "Sugar Babies"!

- Aah!
- Aah!

I don't know what that is,
but it sounds amazing!

- Aah!
- Aah!

Thanks, Brad!

I know this sounds bad,

but I hope your mom's vertigo
comes back so I can go.

(Laughs)

I thought the world was
going to end on Thursday,

so I didn't get you anything.
It felt impractical.

That's okay.

I got you this coupon

for one free beat-up of the
person of your choice.

You can watch or not. It's your call.

Thanks so much, Becky. That's so sweet.

I'm just gonna go check
on the hors d'oeuvres.

(Pop music playing)

Hey, mom.

I know you and dad have sort of
been at odds about my party.

But I am having a really good time,

so I hope you guys are over it.

Well, we're not. I'm
still really mad at him,

because this is absolutely the
opposite of what I wanted.

Okay, everybody! Time for birthday cake!

Hi, Axl. (Sighs)

Prom's in two months.

Yeah. (Chuckles)

Um, you know I'm dating Cassidy, right?

So... probably taking her.

Oh. Cassidy seems really nice.

Can you get me a strand of her hair?

(Exhales)

(Frankie) Okay. There we go.

(Under breath) Told you she'd cave.

I heard that, Axl.

- ♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
- And for your information, I did not cave.

Your father steamrolled me.

- ♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
- Yep. That's what I do.

I put my foot down and
showed her who's boss.

Don't mess with me, Mike.
I am still pissed.

And you know what?
I am not talking to you.

Mm. Sue's birthday, and I got the gift.

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

Make a wish, Sue.

I wish my parents would stop fighting,

and everything would go
back to the way it was

before I drove a wedge between them.
(Blows air)

What? Oh, Sue.

You guys are obviously
so mad at each other,

and you're probably gonna get a divorce,

and it'll be all my fault.

No, Sue, it's not your fault, 'cause--

Wait. It's not my fault.

It's all our faults.

We did it. We're the ones
who broke the window.

That's not true. She's lying.

(Whispers) I'm lying.

No. I am not taking the
fall for you guys anymore.

We all broke the window, and
we blamed the Glossners,

and we lied. And we lied.

So there it was--

the confession I'd been waiting for,

but it wasn't quite as
satisfying as I'd hoped.

I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry for everything.

This was supposed to be my Sweet 16,

and it's not sweet at all.

It's sour. This is a Sour 16.

No, Sue, wait. Your dad
and I aren't fighting.

We just made it up so you
could have your party.

So you're not getting a divorce?

Not today.

(Exhales) Really?

Then this truly is the
sweetest Sweet 16 ever.

Because first it was sweet,
and then it was sour,

and now it's sweet again,
which, when you think about it,

only makes it even sweeter.

(Laughter)

I guess Sue was right.

Having the sour moments in life

really does make the sweet ones sweeter.

(Indistinct conversations)

At least I hope so.

'Cause turns out the only
one with any follow-through

was Mrs. Armwood.

And her wheel of pain landed right on me.

(Buzzer in distance) Yep. My kids
did the crime, and I did the time.

Yeah, I probably should have punished 'em,

but then it was sort of nice

the way they were all
sticking up for each other.

Uh, wider, please.

Yeah, so the next time
they try to pull anything,

I will definitely follow through.

How was your mom about this?

Well, obviously not that
great with where you are.

(Laughs) I'm just kidding.