The Mick (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 17 - The Mick - full transcript

A pair of intruders is caught breaking in to the Pemberton mansion.

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SABRINA: Let's go over this one
more time just so we're clear.

- You're saying that if we can knock Jimmy out...
- JIMMY: Not possible.

You will eat every
meal out of a dog bowl

- for an entire month?
- Yeah.

And you have to sleep in the yard.

Not gonna sleep in the yard.
We've already been over the terms.

- Now if you guys fail...
- They will fail.

You have to go to bed,
lights out by 10:00

- every night for a month.
- I'm telling you, this cannot be done.

- What is in it for you?
- Bragging rights.

Oh, I've seen this
guy get hit in the head



- with a crowbar before.
- You hit me in the head with a crowbar.

I hit this guy in the
head with a crowbar before,

- did nothing.
- Ah.

It's 'cause I got the
thickest skull in the league.

- What league?
- Why don't you come find out?

- MICKEY: Aah!
- Give me a little kiss good night.

(makes kissing sound)

(Chip grunts, Mickey laughs)

- You see that?
- (Jimmy laughs)

Stings your hand a
little bit, doesn't it?

Night-night. Be sure and
brush your teeth. Next!

Oh. Hi, sweetheart.

- Now, let's not mess up a manicure.
- MICKEY: Oh!

- (Mickey laughs)
- You should be playing soccer.



I like the element of surprise.

Sweet dreams. Okay, Ben, you're up.

And I believe in you the
most, okay? Really focus.

- As hard as you can.
- Oh... boy.

- Oh. Our bad.
- (squeaking exhale)

Well, that's on us. That's
on us for not explaining...

That's not your fault.
You're too young to get it.

- But he's not mad. You're not mad. Okay.
- Not mad at you at all.

Go to your room, all right?
I'll be in to tuck you in soon.

- Night-night.
- Good night, Ben.

- Yeah. Wasn't expecting that. Are you okay?
- Yeah. I'm fine. Come on.

- Stung, yeah? Okay.
- Oh, whatever. Just... you know.

Thanks for helping me
put the kids to bed.

Yeah. It's been a lot of fun

to be part of a normal family again,

you know, 'cause when I
was a kid, there was just...

- (grunts)
- (shrieks)

Oh, his skull isn't that thick.

- You did it!
- (strained): I'm fine.

BOTH: Oh!

- Oh!
- Undefeated.

- Okay, you got me.
- (laughs)

Oh, that's a fun game.

(crickets chirping)

(door opens, clattering)

(thudding, glass clinks)

(papers rustling)

(papers rustling)

(whispers): Oh!

Oh, God, we're being robbed.

- (gun chamber clicks)
- Freeze!

Okay, just take it easy.

Now put your hands up.

- Up!
- They're up!

Now say good night.

- (groaning)
- Holy crap, I got him!

- Guys! Come quick! I got him!
- (groaning)

- What the hell is going on?
- Chip, are you okay?

- (groaning)
- I saw a burglar. I didn't

know what to do... so I smoked his ass!

Yes. Hello? Somebody's been shot.

Uh, 2400 Radcliffe Drive. It's
the corner of Tidewind and...

You shot me!

What the hell's the matter with you?!

Father?

- Christopher?
- Daddy?

Uh, never mind. I was just
kidding. Sorry. Guns are bad. Bye!

Don't shoot!

Mommy?!

- Mom?
- Poodle?

- Chip shot me! My own son shot me!
- I didn't mean to!

Oh, my God. I was being brave!
Oh, my God, I shot my daddy!

It's all right. The gunpowder's,
like, a hundred years old.

- It probably just broke the skin.
- Mommy's alive!

Yeah. Okay, not so tight, honey.

- What the hell's going on?!
- Why...?

Everyone just be quiet, okay?
The cops are on their way,

so unless you want to go
to jail, just listen to me.

Chip, take your brother to his
room. Alba, why don't you go

- hide Christopher and Poodle?
- Oh, okay. Poodle.

What about the police?

They're expecting a gunshot victim.

And we're gonna give 'em one.

(panting)

So, are you gonna do this, or what?

Yeah, I just... I... It's hard
to shoot a man in the back.

I've been taught better than that.

Mickey? This man...

- hit you. Whoa!
- Aah.

- He hit you with a car.
- I know, and he felt so bad.

- He did it twice.
- He did, didn't he?

You know what? I'll
shoot him in the butt.

He'll think that's funny.

- Nice.
- Okay. Sorry, Jimbo.

(screaming)

- Oh!
- I know. I know, I know. I know.

I'm right here. I'm
right here. Hey, shh!

- Oh, Mick.
- I know.

Listen, pay attention. Chris
and Poodle are home, okay?

The cops are on their way,

and they're expecting a gunshot victim.

So you shot me in the ass?!

Yeah, yeah, listen, 'cause
you're gonna tell them

- that Chip shot you by accident.
- Yeah, oops!

The hell I am! Huh? What's in it for me?

- (distant sirens wailing)
- Well, what do you want?

Um, I want to put a
label on our relationship.

SABRINA: Oh, come on!

Oh. Well, that's like a
whole other conversation.

You just shot me!

I know. Literally, anything
else I'll give you, okay?

You guys, we got to
move this along, okay?

- Okay, okay.
- All right, fine! Okay.

Uh, then I want... Oh. I want a pillow.

- You want a pillow?
- I want a pillow

'cause I'm sick of sleeping
on a rolled up towel.

Okay, you got it. I'll get you a pillow.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Okay.

JIMMY: Oh, it really
burns when I breathe.

Mm-hmm.

You're lucky no one was killed.

- Yeah.
- Oh. Big time. Yup.

Guns are very dangerous, son.

Yeah. Thank you, Officer.

We are so, so sorry about this.

Okay.

- Thank you.
- All right.

- Good night.
- Yeah.

All right, coast is clear.

- (sighs)
- So... (laughs)

You all look well.

- What the hell is going on?
- Where the hell have you been?!

Why didn't you call?!

- (overlapping chatter)
- Okay, okay, shh, shh!

I just... I haven't
seen you all in months,

and I would love to just... sit
down like a civilized family...

- Mm-hmm.
- And we'll explain everything.

Okay? Alba, whip up some food, please.

Oh.

Hey, here's the thing.

Alba doesn't really do that anymore.

- Do what?
- Freakin' anything!

She just loafs around like
she's part of the family.

Well, it's up to you.

Do your job, or there's the door.

CHRISTOPHER: Grab a Bordeaux

from the cellar while you're at it.

Oh, yeah, here's the
thing about the Bordeaux.

I drank it.

You really had to force
her to wear her uniform?

I didn't force her to do
anything. She likes it.

Alba, could I get another piece

- of that delicious...?
- POODLE: Uh-uh, do not

feed him anything else.

I swear your father's
the only man in history

to gain weight on the run. (laughs)

Speaking of the run, why
don't you skip to the part

where you Jason Bourne'd your way back

into your own home in
middle of the night?

Yes, as I was saying,
so we were laying low

in this hotel in Montreal,
which I would not recommend.

And then we came home one day

to find the lobby crawling with cops.

I suspect they tracked your
mother's shrill voice.

Fascinating. Well, while you
two were vacationing in Canada,

I've been here guarding
the gates of hell.

Oh, you poor thing. I'm so sorry

that you had to keep our mansion warm

while we were living out of a suitcase

- like a couple of filthy...
- Criminals?

No. I think that's
the pot calling

- the kettle black.
- Oh, is it?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Sorry. What would you call it?

Uh, I don't know. Wrongfully accused?

Yeah, that's right. We're innocent.

And we have files
in this house to prove it.

I knew it! I told you guys!

Look, I tried to tell them,

- but they're just a bunch of stupid idiots.
- SABRINA: Hey, Chip,

how do you think the police found them?

We're past that.
What's more important is

they're home, and they're safe.

So, do this mean they're home for good?

Well, there's a long road ahead
to clear our name, but, yes,

I suppose it does.

Ben, honey, stop picking

at your face. You're
grossing Mommy out.

It's a nervous thing. He does
it when he's feeling overwhelmed.

- Here, you go, buddy.
- POODLE: What? That's...

Stare at the flame.

- He loves the flame.
- POODLE: Wow.

That's great.

And why is he wearing
my cashmere turtleneck?

'Cause I let him wear whatever he wants.

Terrific parenting, Mackenzie.

I leave behind a sweet son,

and I come back to a
pyromaniac daughter.

Any other fun surprises, by the way?

Piercings? Tattoos?

MICKEY: I'm sorry, you didn't exactly

leave me with an instruction manual.

As if you would've read it.

At least she's been here.

Ugh, my God, I was here

for 17 years, Sabrina.

I'm sorry if I missed a few months.

Don't beat yourself up. They'll
probably stay kids forever.

You know what, it has
been a really long day.

And if you guys are all done

criticizing me,

I think I'm gonna head
on up to bed, okay?

We can finish this up tomorrow.

Sound good?

I think that sounds good.

Where's the butter?

(indistinct P.A. announcement)

What the...

Good morning.

Wh-Why am I cuffed?

I'm the victim.

You also have several
outstanding warrants.

Rhode Island, New
Hampshire, Massachusetts.

Okay, you know, I-I'm not even
gonna dignify New Hampshire

with a response.

The judge is a straight-up racist.

Says here you urinated in public
and failed to appear in court.

What?

Oh.

Yeah. Well, that New Hampshire.

That was... I get mixed up,
'cause there's...

What am I looking at here?

I'd say at least 30 days.

Did you say "13" or "30"?

I said "30."

Oh, come on.

I'll do community service.

You want me to do the
jobs no one else wants?

I'll run the furnace at the dog shelter.

Okay.

How 'bout, uh, I catch you a marlin

so you can throw this little
guppy back in the kiddie pool.

Look, moron, I don't know
what the hell that means.

I can get you Chris
and Pamela Pemberton.

Don't know who that is.

They're a big deal.

They're known fugitives, okay?

Do you read the pap... Why am
I even talking to you, all right?

Call somebody with some proper
clearances. They'll know.

I am done with you.

Oh.

Hey. What's going on?

Well, unfortunately, our
room looks like you hosted

- a bum fight in it.
- Yeah.

You can thank your
psychotic kids for that.

Can we, uh, pick this
up tomorrow? I was shot,

so... pretty tired.

Yeah. Yeah, I bet. It's just...
that this is my room, so...

Actually, it's my room.

Yeah. They're all my rooms.

Is this about the kids
sticking up for me?

Because I'm sure they didn't

- mean anything...
- No. No, no.

It has nothing to do with that.

Okay? Now please leave.

(car engine revving,
tires screeching on TV)

(man shouting on TV)

(changing TV channels)

Hey. How come you guys are up?

Not tired.

Yeah, I'm still a little charged
up from shooting my father.

Yeah. I'll bet.

(sighs)

Listen, I wanted to thank you
guys for having my back earlier.

That meant a lot.

That had nothing to do with you.

I was just trying to hurt them.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah, obviously.

It's kind of crazy,

what's going on with your parents, huh?

If you guys want to talk about it,

I just want you to know I'm here.

No, I'm good. Thanks.

CHIP: Yeah, hard part's
over. Now that Mom and Dad

are back, things can finally
go back to the way they were.

You know, before you showed up.

Yeah. I get it.

Okay.

I'll just go.

I'm just gonna...

just gonna go. (chuckles)

(audience laughter on TV)

Okay, Mommy's tired, all right.

Just go to sleep and I'll
answer in the morning, okay?

Oh. Hey.

Didn't know you were in here.

I just came to tuck Ben in.

Oh. Well, that's very thoughtful of you,

- but I think I can manage.
- Yeah.

Yeah, of course. You should
know though that there's,

like, a whole routine now.

Starts by killing all the
monsters in the closet.

Well, that is the obvious first step.

And I'm sure there's
nothing to worry about,

but it-it doesn't hurt to check.

Am I right, Ben?

Oh!

Oh, Ben!

A huge monster! What do I do?!

Rip their filthy guts out!

- Get out of Ben's... Oh! Oh, no.
- Kill him! Slit his throat!

Get him! Kill him!

- Rip his eyes out!
- I'm killing the monster!

Get him! Hit him in the face!

- So much fun! That'll do.
- (grunting)

- Okay, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah?
- Yeah.

You're all set. Sweet dreams.

Night-night.

Back off.

My kid. My bedroom.

My maid.

My everything. Understand?

Are you serious? Do you have any idea

what these kids have put me through?

Plus, you haven't paid
me yet, by the way.

Oh. Okay.

Is that what this is about? Fine.

All right, um, how much do
you want for being their aunt?

Do you mean, how much do you
owe me for everything I've done?

'Cause I don't think I could
put a price tag on all of it.

How does $30,000 sound?

F-Fine. Fine. That's fair.

Sounds super fair. Yeah.

You said "30" though, not "13," right?

'Cause "30" is what I
heard. And so that's binding.

Okay. Here you go.

You got everything you wanted.

You happy?

Mr. Shepherd. I am Detective Hurley.

I hear you have information
on the Pembertons.

Okay, hold your horses, Serpico.

I might. I might not.

What do you want?

For starters, I don't
want to do any time.

We can do that. Start talking.

I'm not finished.

I also want to throw out

the first pitch at Fenway next season.

(chuckles) I want a wife
that doesn't laugh when I cry.

Think smaller.

Fine.

I want a hamburger.

The food here sucks.

Get this idiot a hamburger, okay?

Not just any burger.

One from Randy's over on North Street.

- And a piece of pie.
- They don't have pie.

Well, looks like you're gonna
be making two stops then.

Get the pie.

(door opens)

There you are.

Okay, what is the plan?

What plan?

You know, to get rid of
Christopher and Poodle.

Eh? Are we gonna drug
'em? Throw 'em on a train?

What's that?

Oh. Chloroform.

I, uh, found a recipe online.

No. Nobody's drugging
anybody. I'm leaving.

Well, where are you going?

I don't know, man. That's
the great thing about freedom.

You just kind of roam
around, do whatever you want.

Oh, how easy for you.

All right, run away, little muskrat.

What are you doing?

I'm not doing anything.

You just soaked that rag in chloroform.

No, I didn't.

Alba, don't come at me with that.

What? I'm not even moving.

You are literally walking towards me.

- You brought this on yourself.
- No. Hey, hey, hey!

Come here! Just take it!

- Just take it!
- Come on! Let go!

Go to sleep! Alba, get off of me! Stop!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Come on!

You know how long it
took me to make that?

Well, what is your endgame here?

You gonna chloroform me every day?

I was gonna do whatever it takes.

I'm not a quitter.

See you around, muskrat.

(sighs)

I'll see you around, pal.

All right, enough.

We got you the food and the beer,

the Wu-Tang headband.

It's time to start talking.

Guys, I want to tell you, I really do,

but first there's
something I'm gonna need.

No.

No more.

Last one.

Then you're gonna sing?

Oh, like Ariana Grande.

All right. What is it?

I want a picture of Officer
Strassner's wife in a bikini.

You trying to be cute?

Oh, you lay a hand on me

and I will sue the whole department.

So what's it gonna be, boys?

- (gasps) Nothing. What are you....
- Mackenzie.

Hey. What are you doing?

- What?
- Oh, we're just, uh,

going to meet with our lawyer.

Yes...

Oh, my God, you guys are bailing again.

- (loud metal clattering)
- I thought you were innocent.

Ugh, don't be an idiot.

Innocent people don't sneak
in and out of their own houses.

We needed cash, we're splitting up.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to Cuba.

- Poodle's going to hell.
- Uh, well...

That's why you wrote me
that check? So you could dump

- your kids on me again.
- They're gonna be okay.

I made sure they have enough
money for three lifetimes.

No. That's-that's not
enough, Christopher.

And let me tell you
something about your kids,

they are wonderful.

Mm.

That might be a bit of an exaggeration.

They're kind of a
nightmare most of the time,

but they've got you two as parents,

so I would say they are
doing an amazing job.

Well, if you love them so much,
then why don't you take them?

What?

- Wrap it up, Poodle.
- Yeah, take them.

I can't just take your children.

It doesn't work like that.

How about a million dollars?

I can certainly give it a-a good try.

- Yeah. I'm sure you can.
- I will give it my best shot.

- (pounding on door)
- MAN: Open up. FBI.

- Oh, my God.
- How did they find us?

ALBA: I called them. Me.

Alba.

- We know you're in there!
- You what? Why?

- (pounding on door continues)
- Why? (chuckles)

He wants to know why, Mickey.

'Cause I don't like you, that's why.

This house

belongs to Mickey and me now.

- We got plans, big plans.
- What? What? Alba.

- And they don't include you pe... What?
- Alba!

They were already leaving.

- Well, I did not know that.
- (pounding on door continues)

- Federal officers!
- You are so fired, Alba.

- You pack your crap,
- Poodle, we have to go.

and get the hell out of our house.

I brought you here and
I can send you back!

Okay. Let's go. Let's go, come on.

- This is your last warning!
- We will break this door down!

Oh, yeah. That is a
ride I would not get off.

But I was very clear
about the bikini part.

- That is a bikini.
- That's mesh.

You can see right through it.

If it's attached it's a one-piece.

This is Hurley.

Look at that tan.

Right now. Thank you.

The Pembertons are at their house.

- What?
- I got to run.

No. Whoa, whoa, whoa... hey!

Hurley, hang on.

Hey. That's my tip.

I was about to tell you that, all right?

All right. So I guess we're done, so...

No. That's mine.

I earned that. I earned that, all right?

So just gi... What are you doing?

Where are you go...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey. What's he do...

What wa...

Oh, what are you doing?

- No, please don't... (groans)
- (defibrillator beeps)

Okay, the road's that way.

- Yeah, and the harbor's that way.
- What?

You just want to go that
way because it's downhill.

Hey. I got shot, you sour bitch.

You know what? I am done.

- Here. Take your share.
- Wh... Hey.

I'd rather get mowed down

in a hellfire of bullets

than listen to your constant shrieks.

Well, you certainly
have the padding for it.

You peaked 20 years ago.

(dogs barking in distance)

Chip's not yours.

- What?
- (dogs barking, men shouting)

- Yeah.
- What?

You heard me.

- Oh, God!
- (barking, growling)

(yelling)

(screams)

(barking, screaming)

- You're under arrest!
- FBI! Stand down!

Stop resisting!

(indistinct police radio chatter)

Okay... okay.

The thing to remember

is that your parents love you.

They-they mentioned that,
and they also... weren't they

talking about how proud they were

- of-of all of your...
- ALBA: Yeah.

- Lots of stuff.
- Uh...

uh, accomplishments, uh...

You don't have to
lie. We heard you guys.

You did?

You were speaking at full volume.

(groans)

Uh...

Okay.

Well, for what it's worth, you know...

Oh, whoa. What are you doing?

Are you serious?

I was gonna hug you.

Oh.

Well, no. I don't want to do it anymore.

Well, how was I supposed to
know you were gonna hug me?

I didn't even know you knew how to hug.

It was obvious that that's
what I was gonna do, Mickey.

- I thought you were coming at me.
- Just forget it, okay?

- The moment's passed.
- Okay, I'm sorry.

Just forget about it. I
don't want to do it anymore.

Okay, okay, okay. We'll try it
tomorrow, we'll try it tomorrow.

We're never gonna try it again.

Okay. Um, I got to go tell your brother.

We'll come with you.

(sighs) O-Okay.

(gasps) Holy crap!

- CHIP: What did you do?
- Fire's neat.

No! Hey, come on.

- Go! Get out of here.
- (indistinct shouting)

(Mickey pants)

(flames roaring, house crumbling)

It's beautiful.

Okay. It's okay.

No, guys. It's okay.

It's okay. I have a
million doll... in...

(gasps)

♪ I'm just a ♪

♪ Somebody ♪

Oh, no.

♪ Nobody wants me ♪

(glass shatters)

♪ Nobody wants me ♪

♪ Everybody that I see ♪

- ♪ Seems to have someone but me ♪
- (siren wails)

♪ Arm in arm, they walk along ♪

♪ Why does life treat me so wrong? ♪

♪ Wish somebody wanted me ♪

♪ 'Cause I just don't wanna be ♪

♪ Another ♪

♪ Somebody, nobody... ♪