The Mash Report (2018): Season 3, Episode 6 - Episode #3.6 - full transcript

This programme contains
some strong language.



Hello, I'm Nish Kumar
and welcome to The Mash Report,

coming to you on the week
where David Attenborough addressed

the UN climate change summit
and announced that the end

of civilisation
was "on the horizon".

It's a sobering message,
which served as a wake-up call

for everyone except Theresa May,
who asked if there was any way

the end of civilisation
could arrive a little earlier,

ideally before March 2019.

This week, the G20 summit saw
Argentina play host to 19 world

leaders and one plucky little
72-year-old who has no

idea what he's doing.

No moment exemplified Trump's unique
lack of experience than this moment

with the Argentine President.

What a normal adult!

He got bored and wandered off.

He can be heard at the end of that
clip saying "Get me out of here",

it's not I'm a Celebrity!

He held a meeting with Chinese

leader Xi Jinping which was
apparently a landmark

moment for the President.

Although to be fair a landmark
moment for Trump is meeting any

Chinese person and not asking them
for a chow mein.

Immediately after the meeting,
Trump took to Twitter to boast

of his accomplishments,
claiming he had negotiated a 90-day

suspension of tariffs and labelling
himself "Tariff Man".

Just to be clear, he has not put
tariffs on Chinese goods.

He's threatened to and now has
delayed those threats.

So he's given himself
a nickname to celebrate

something he hasn't done.

It's like someone who fails to make
an omelette immediately saying

"Call me Captain Egg".

And Trump's week was rounded off
with the news that his ex-National

Security Advisor Michael Flynn has
"assisted in several ongoing

investigations" in Robert Mueller's
probe into Russian collusion.

The news came in a memo dropped
by Mueller, which was believed

to hold tasty details
about the Russia investigation.

But for legal reasons,
a lot of the memo had to be redacted

and ended up looking like this.

That is low on detail.

That looks like the Saudi Arabian
edition of Brokeback Mountain.

It seems naive to think that any one
thing will bring the president down,

be it the Mueller probe,
or the unbelievable lack

of fibre in his diet.

But the sheer amount
of legal problems accruing

against Trump is worth noting.

What with the Russia investigation,
the illegal campaign spending,

the emoluments lawsuit against him,
the investigation into his charity

and the fact that congress
will have the power to seize his tax

returns means a lot of people
are asking where all this will end.

And to those people I say...

Get me out of here!

Headlines on the hour.

Most Britons think
the Good Friday Agreement

was presented by Chris Evans.

New poll puts Corbin in front of
Theresa May and Piss Off, I'm having

my tea.

But first: this week
the government was found to be

in contempt of parliament,
but is there anyone

the Conservatives don't
have contempt for?

With me to discuss the issue
is Professor Henry Brubaker

of the Institute for Studies.

Professor, is there
anyone they do like?

Well, the government have
contempt for Labour,

liberals, lefties, commuters,
people with disabilities,

people without disabilities,
working people, people people,

the Scots, the police,
doctors and nurses...

But also...

Single mums, married
mums, traffic wardens,

poor children, dogs,
cats, academics, cheesemongers,

soldiers, businessmen, farmers,
vegans, carnivores and people

who collect ceramic owls.

So in a nutshell, no.

They have contempt for everyone?

They do quite like
accountants and rent boys.

More from us later.

At the weekend, several Conservative
MPs popped up on Twitter with photos

of themselves buying tins to give
to food banks, despite their party

being largely responsible
for their existence.

The snaps were all accompanied
by very similar messages,

suggesting the MPs had all been sent
the same PR brief that they

were too busy to alter.

Picking up on this
interesting new social media

phenomenon is Rachel Parris.


That's right, Nish.

It did look like they'd
all been told what to say.

They must have a WhatsApp group,
just like our Mash Report one?

I'm not in a Mash
Report WhatsApp group.

Are you not?

Moving on...

Let's look at these Tory MPs quietly
going about being wonderful unsung

heroes of the people with selfies.

On Twitter.

Dominic Raab, whose look could be
described as "Terminator meets

Young Farmers' Club",
was also tweeting support

for food banks this weekend.

Despite his voting record
directly contributing

to the need for food banks.

And Jacob Rees-Mogg has said that
"There is good within food banks,

it shows what a compassionate
country we are".

That's Jacob Rees-Mogg,
whose middle name is Compassion.

Jacob William Compassion Caecilius
Alfred Fuck-the-Poor

Frankincense Rees-Mogg III.

And here's Conservative MP
for Devizes Claire Perry

being inappropriately blaze
at a food bank last year.

"My constituency relies on charity
to feed its poorest families -

crack out the champagne!"

"Oh, do you not get champagne here?"

"Crack out the San Pelligrino!"


"I'll just wave my hands then!"

Also Claire's ignored the first
rule of the Internet,

a sign on a white background can be
changed to anything.

Or this.

Or this.

So, is it possible the Conservative
PR machine is trying to spin

the suffering caused
by Universal Credit and austerity

due to fear of a General Election?

If they are, surely they could be
doing more to present the grinding

poverty they've caused,
as an absolute treat?

Here are my PR tips for Tories
looking to make poverty

fun this Christmas.

Rough sleeping has increased 169%

since 2010, and one in 200 people
nationwide are technically homeless.

Commenting on all the homeless
people being cleared off the streets

ahead of the royal wedding,
Conservative councillor for Windsor,

Simon Dudley, said that the rough
sleepers were there due

to a "commercial life choice".

Strong rebrand, Simon.

Let's make sleeping
in the gutter seem glamorous!

How about the Tories re-invent
rough-sleeping as perma-camping,

a thrilling adventure
for an increasingly large

proportion of society.

Also, schools are struggling

to cope, despite being given
a dismally small sorry,

an adorable, a bijoux,
payout by Hammond for

what he deemed "little extras".

Now parents are being encouraged
to raise funds for "little extras"

at their children's schools.

Many parents naively thought thought
this was called "paying tax".

Think again!

And at this time of year,
it's really important you show

the school you care,
otherwise you might get

a letter home saying
that your six-year-old,

Suzy, has been cast
in the Nativity as "Little Twat".

One final one, a BBC report has
shown that extreme child poverty

is worsening across the UK,
with some children coming

to school hungry and actually
filling their pockets

with school food.

One head teacher said
pupils had poor teeth,

poor hair and were thinner.

Gosh, tricky to spin
this one for the Tories.

Perhaps these children
are members of a cool new club

called Grumble Tummies,
or Hungry Hippos.

No, no, I've got nothing.

Hard not to feel anything other
than fury and terrible

sadness at this one.

Let's try to recover it
with a catchy, memorable campaign

slogan that sums it all up.

"The Conservatives -
you are all in it together."

Oh wait, fixed it.

Thank you very much, Rachel Parris!


This week the government was forced
to reveal legal advice that

showed our commitment to keeping
the Irish border open meant the EU

could keep the UK in the customs
union indefinitely after Brexit.

This is not popular.

The Times is reporting that
Boris Johnson told Theresa May that,

in exchange for Brexiteer support,
she must ensure the UK can

unilaterally abandon
guarantees over the border.

Guarantees that are there to protect
the Good Friday Agreement

which ended decades of violence.

Here to explain is our Irish
correspondent Catherine Bohart.

Catherine, how did none of us see
this problem coming?

Well, you guys don't exactly
have the most comprehensive

education on our mutual history.

If we compare what I learned
about Britain in school...


With what you guys
learned about Ireland...

I'm sorry?
Did you just say Graham Norton? Nice


We can see how endemic Britain's
ignorance on Irish issues is.

Take, as a random example,
Karen Bradley, your Secretary

of State for Northern Ireland
who incidentally had never even

been to Northern Ireland
before she got the job.

Here's what she said following her
first visit to the country,

"I was slightly scared of Northern

And: "I didn't understand that
when elections are fought there,

people who are nationalists don't
vote for unionist

parties and vice versa".

What hurts isn't that she thought
it, it's that she didn't know

not to say it out loud.

So, what can we do?

The stakes couldn't be higher
for Northern Ireland.

I've made a film that explains
the historical context,

the complex politics and,
most essentially, speaks to British

politicians on an intellectual level
appropriate to their understanding

of the Irish Border question.

Catherine, this sounds
like a really important work.

I went on a children's TV show
where I explained it

to a fucking puppet.

Because that's where we're at now!

Hello, Derek. Oh, no! What's wrong?
Catherine, the grown-ups keep

mentioning the Irish border and I
don't know what they are talking

Don't worry. Neither do they!
Could you explain it to me, please?

Of course, let me tell you a story,
a history of Anglo-Irish relations.

OK, long time ago
the English and Irish were Catholic

but then the English decided become
Protestant. Why? A man wanted a

divorce. A divorce, like daddy did?
Was that man also "banging the whore

The Irish didn't want to
become Protestant so the English

killed lots of us. So sorry. 100
years went by with the English

stealing land. Why can't they just
share? And then the potato famine. I

love potatoes!

It killed over a million Irish
people! Oh...

people! Oh... In 1916, Ireland
revolted to win independence apart

from six counties in the north that
remained in the UK and became

Northern Ireland. The problem is
that until 20 years ago there was a

war between nationalists who wanted
Ireland to remain one country and

Unionists who wanted Northern
Ireland to be part of the UK. After

quite a lot of dying, in 1997
everyone signed something called the

Good Friday Agreement, meaning they
would stop fighting and the North

would stay in the UK. I love
Fridays! Stop singing! Thanks to the

agreement, people from Northern
Ireland and Ireland could move

freely across the border and so
could Irish goods. What's the

The problem is Brexit. Oh,
I know what Brexit is. My mummy says

I'm an
immigrant, your mum sounds like an


immigrant, your mum sounds like an

The soft border which stopped the
fighting would have to be made hard

again. Derek, we're talking about
the potential of a return to Civil

War. If you aren't willing to risk
18 C Civil War, then what can the UK

They could be a solution like
having a Customs border in the Irish

Sea instead. So everything is
sorted. Well done, Great Britain!

Have you literally not listen to
anything I've said? That solution

won't work because while it's what
Theresa May wanted her decision to

call an election in 2017 means she
is depending on the Democratic

Unionist Party for a parliamentary
majority. The people in charge of

the Irish border have never seen it.
Boris Johnson compared Northern

Ireland and Ireland to Camden and
Islington. It is part of one big

fucking exit fever dream. A backstop
instead, an agreement not to agree

anything until we agree on what to
agree... Which is the only thing we

seem to agree on. Argh! Oh, boy, it
seems that explaining the Irish

border has made Derek's brain
explode. By, kids! Derek?

a and

Thank you very much,
Catherine Bohart!

As retail peaks in the run up
to Christmas, this year has seen

more and more brands pitching
for your business by showing

solidarity with progressive issues.

Most recently, supermarket chain
Iceland's Christmas advert

criticised the use of palm oil
in products for causing


To discuss this potentially
controversial issue is our

sensitivity correspondent,
Geoff Norcott!


I can see why a right-wing cynic
like you would scoff at companies

wearing their activism
on their sleeves, but does

it matter if it helps
minorities feeli included?

But does it make them feel included?

Earlier this year Pret a Manger
de-gendered the gingerbread man.

They changed it from a gingerbread
man to a gingerbread biscuit.

Let's have a look
at old Godfrey here.

Was he ever really that heavily
gendered in the first place?

He's fairly androgynous looking.

It's not like he's got a big old
set of biscuity balls down there.

Actually, I'd argue
that he should have had a cock.

Would've made a great
option for tear'n'share.

More to the point, were any
women asking for this?

Was Godfrey really the one
propping up the patriarchy?

I think most women would happily
chow down on Godfrey's balls

if they got equal pay.

Am I right, sisters?


Somehow doesn't feel
like a long-term catchphrase option.

it did not really land, did it 's

Lloyds Bank did a big campaign
about mental health.

'One in four of our customers
suffers from mental health issues'.

Yeah, because of YOU.

You're a bank.

You cause depression.

Dare I say once upon a time
you helped cause THE Depression.


OK, I get it - you feel big
businesses are just piggy backing

hot button issues to make money.

Yes, exactly.

And to find out more I went to meet
some genuine branding experts.

Take a look.

Why do brands associate themselves
with these liberal causes, do they

As a

consumer when you are buying
something you have a choice between

this product and that product. But
this product you know that it is

good to be part of a cause, doing
something good, which do you by? So

then from a cynical... Is it
cheaper? Two of those. At the end of

the day isn't this done so that
people buy more shit that they don't

People can say that I am right on,

when they are not Ashley believing
it, and if a brand is just good to

say that they support the cause just
to be right on and politically

correct play one would actually want
to be aligned with that brand. But I

am actually a feminist. I've never
forgot Mother's Day. I always send

the wife Valentine's Day flowers,
but do I go on about the? I just get

But your mum loves it.
Are you saying my mum loves it?!

Are you saying my mum loves it?! I
learned a lot from Jonathan 's I

went to a top London branding agency
to meet some people who know a good

idea when they hear one. You I'm
here because you guys are absolute

mustard. There is a big world out
there, Brexit, Tories in power, how

do you associate the brands with the
more conservative message? I do have

got a few slogans for some
well-known brands. Let's see what

you think. Red Bull, it gives you
right wings. That's fine. That is

just... Dr Pepper, what is the worst
that could happen? Communism. If

you've had an accident at work,
maybe it was your fault. Take some

fucking responsibility. That is a
positive message. It is

inspirational. Kit Kat, have a
break, but not too long. So that's

it. I'm all in, what do you say to
them? I think we are probably done.


Liberal elites, mate.

OK, well done, Geoff.

But reports are still going on, and
now on the plans by Mark Zuckerberg

to build an army of terminators.
Which is a great idea, everybody

hailed the Zuck. Let's ask three key
questions about Brexit. What happens

next with Brexit? The answer to that

question is quite simply, in

The shit may not have hit the fan,
but it is very much "fan adjacent".

On Wednesday, the government
was found in contempt of Parliament

before they even started to debate
Theresa May's Brexit Bill.

Labour MP Keir Starmer claimed
that this was a "badge

of shame" for the government,
but let's face it, if this

government was a Scout it definitely
would have got its "shame" badge

a long time ago, along
with its "undignified in-fighting"

badge and its "relentless stupidity"

I wouldn't know because my parents
wouldn't let me be in the Scouts

because they "Don't trust tents
or white people".

So how have we ended up here?

Look - a lot has gone wrong
in the past two years.

Theresa May calling a pointless
election after trigering Article 50,

when we set ourselves an unrealistic
deadline to achieve something

incredibly complicated.

It's equivalent to me,
who can't drive, calling up a test

centre and just saying -
"book me in for 2pm,

I'm giving it a crack"!

And as a nation we found ourselves

sat there saying "Well I assume this
is the steering wheel!

"Vroom, vroom!"

So obviously some of this
is Theresa May's fault.

However, at no point
have the architects of Brexit

stepped up and what's become
apparent is that none of them

have ever had a viable plan.

The Brexiters can be divided
into four main groups:

Immigration obsessives -
Nigel Farage - he had no real plan.

He just wanted immigration to end
and then go off and address a far

right party in Germany and host
a talk radio show

like a xenophobic Frasier.

People who were big
on patriotism, but low on details.

For example, Dominic Raab,
who only just discovered Dover

was an important port for the UK.

Although that doesn't surprise me
given that in January,

backstage before a recording
of Question Time,

he couldn't tell
me apart from Gina Miller's brother.


How are you supposed to understand
basic geography when you can't

tell brown people apart?

He'd have had a nightmare if he'd
come over to my parents' house

at Diwali or, as he probably calls
it, Ramadan.

The Bus Boys: Gove and Johnson
used the NHS to convince

people to vote Leave,
and aren't exactly at the vanguard

of delivering Brexit.

Johnson is squatting and curling out
a weekly Telegraph column

while Gove bravely refused the job
of Brexit Secretary

in favour of remaining
as Environment Secretary.

So during the campaign,
Gove's all like "Brexit's gonna be

so great", and now Gove's
all like "I would rather stare

into the abyss of a climate-change
induced apocalypse

than deal with this shit".


Free market obsessives: people
like Jacob Rees-Mogg

and David Davis, who see the whole
thing as an opportunity

to end regulation on areas
like financial services,

food imports and
environmental protections.

But you can't really put that
on the side of a bus.

"Vote leave - because polar bears
have had it too good for too long".

These are people who either never
had a plan, or had one

that is unpalatable to voters.

If I had voted Leave I'd
be livid right now.

Because the people I trusted have no
plan, never had one, and have lied

about how easy it would be.

David Davis said there
would be "no downside",

and Liam Fox said...

a trade deal
with the EU would be "one

of the easiest in human history".

Davis has now said "nobody has
ever pretended this will be easy"

and Jacob Rees-Mogg claimed that
we'll only feel the benefits in 50

years, which is the blink of an eye
for a man who is probably,

and I only say probably for legal
reasons, a full vampire.


The final question is, where next?

On Thursday morning, Theresa May
reaffirmed her commitment to hold

a parliamentary vote on the deal
on December 11th,

which looks set to fail.

The bill will then have to be
rewritten, or we might

have a general election
or a second referendum.

It seems likely that
we're going to end up

with a deal no-one likes,
no deal, or no Brexit.

All of which is likely to upset
someone at some point.

And if we are still talking
about Brexit when we come back

let me pose some phrases I do not
want to hear in 2019:

"We've been perfectly clear..."

Immediately followed by nonsense.

Just BE clear, even it means saying
"let me be perfectly clear, I have

no fucking clue what's happening".

"The latest Brexit Secretary is..."

Don't even bother telling us.

It changes so often
it doesn't matter.

I don't want to know their names,
I'll only get attached.

I will call you Raab III, then your
successor 2 Raab 2 Furious.


Perhaps most importantly
I never want to hear

the words "Brexit Betrayal".

Brexit has been betrayed
by its own architects.

They had no plan and have run
into the shadows

and allowed the country to burn.

If this all goes wrong they will be
the first to dish out blame and it's

important that we all remember
who's really responsible.

And finally, "Brexit means Brexit".

In the last two years, no phrase has
ended up sounding stupider.

Apart from me saying, "If I grow
a moustache I won't look

like an Indian Super Mario".


Now let's go over to the news desk
for the latest stories.


Corbyn's Brexit Planus to grow a
really big marrow. Robin in garden

is not the spirit of a dead man
visiting for Christmas. New

Coca-Cola Christmas advert showed a
lorry stuck in 36 hour customs Q.

But first young people need to get
their act together. That's the

message from a middle-aged pisshead
Roy Hobbs who thinks a bottle of

wine every night and often forgets
to step up his chinos. He believes

that millennials bowl are work-shy
sissies who need a good those of

national service despite consuming
so much claret, he has swollen hand.

Doctor Martens are back in
fashion, they should release a new

boot that gives them a good kick up
the arse, instead of spending all of

their dole money on hot chocolate.
At this moment the door the other

day and she was like, do you know
that the oceans are full of plastic?

And I was like, I don't live in the
bloody ocean, get off of my door.

You can't... Problem with
millennials is you can't... Have it

all your own way. They all want
something for nothing. I would have

liked to have married Fiona. But it
didn't happen. It didn't happen.

That's all from us.


That's all from The Mash Report for
this week and indeed this year, we

will be back next year, if the will
of the people demands it. Good