The Mash Report (2018): Season 3, Episode 5 - Episode #3.5 - full transcript

This programme contains
strong language


Hello, and welcome to
The Mash Report,

coming to you a day later than usual

because of the World Athletics
Championships in Doha.

Yes, that's right. I'm 34 years old,
and PE is still ruining my life.

The World Athletics Championships
have been on,

and in no small part because,
well, nobody turned up to watch.

This is a picture from the stadium.

Look at all those empty seats!

That's not a sporting event,

that's just an incredibly easy game
of Where's Wally?

Oh, look, there he is... to no-one.

It may be a preview of what's to
come in the 2022 football World Cup,

and it's a reminder that the
governing bodies

of international sports are willing
to overlook everything,

from human rights abuses

to the general disinterest
of the population

if they're offered enough money.

I swear, we are about ten years
away from the whole of the World Cup

being played in Mark Zuckerberg's
panic room!

In the UK, it is
party conference season,

and so far, all of the conferences
have been bang on brand.

The Labour conference was
derailed by infighting,

the Tory conference
is mired in sleaze,

and the Lib Dem conference happened.

I can only assume that the
Brexit Party conference

will just be a group of
Morris dancers throwing pork pies

at each other, while shouting the
phrase, "I just don't trust 'em".

Some Conservative members have tried
to get people in the party spirit,

such as Andrea Leadsom,

seen here praising
Boris Johnson's leadership

and taking the absolute roof off.

He has the personality
and the pizazz

to get Brexit over the line,
doesn't he?


Yes, he does.

That looks bleak!

Also, pizazz is not going to
get Brexit over the line.

You can't pizazz your way through
complex trading arrangements.

"Oh, I see your point, Mr Juncker,

"but I'd like to counter
with jazz hands!"

And then there's the sleaze.

There's the ongoing scandal
involving Johnson's relationship

with Jennifer Arcuri,
with allegations emerging this week

that they were having an affair,
and that her business received

public money and special treatment.

Then journalist Charlotte Edwardes
claimed Johnson squeezed her thigh

during a private lunch in 1999.

Now, look, he denies
the allegations, but they have been

dogging Boris Johnson and, please
God, may that be the only time

I ever have to use the words
"Boris Johnson" and "dogging"

in the same sentence.

I genuinely wouldn't put anything
past him at this stage.

Johnson was asked directly about the
allegations on BBC Breakfast

and seeing as we're in an athletic
mood this week,

let's see how long it takes him
to pivot from allegations

to Brexit.

So... Yes... what do you have to
say about those allegations

regarding Charlotte? And some
of the others as well? Well, I mean,

I've said pretty much all
I have to say on all those things,

but what I do want to say

is that...
Obviously, people are entitled to...

This is a very difficult time,

and people are thinking for the
country in the sense that Brexit

is about to be done, and a lot of
people don't want Brexit to be done.

Quite a few people don't want
Brexit to be done.

17 seconds!

That surely is a personal best.

And finally, in Royal news,

Meghan Markle is suing
the Mail On Sunday

for publishing a letter
she wrote to her father.

Markle had been on the receiving
end of critical coverage

from the Mail AND from Piers Morgan,

and when it comes to being
criticised by them,

I say to Meghan,
"Welcome to the club!

"I wonder what it is about you
and me, Meghan

"that upsets them so much."


Now, that's this week covered,

and I think we can all agree before
we get on with the show proper

that I've got the personality
and the pizazz

to get this thing over the line,
don't I?


Headlines on the hour.

"Thank goodness women can't vote,"
says Johnson.

Corbyn's out-of-office e-mail's
still on from August.

And Thomas Cook passengers
reclassified as refugees

and told to fuck off.

But first, teenagers who have just
started university

have developed absurd new

in a desperate attempt to seem cool.

We spoke to some of them earlier.

My university persona,
Lady Chronic, is quite urban,

into grime and Afro bashment,

um, doesn't really give a fuck,

and talks in this mockney accent...

POSH VOICE: hide the fact that
I was privately educated

and have a pony called Buttons.

Yeah, so the Truth Bomb is kind of
like a vegan environmentalist rebel,

you know,

and he's not afraid to have
a lot of experimental sex,

you know, like weird, weird stuff,

as opposed to Jack Hayes,

who actually...

..would eat McDonald's most days,
never got past second base,

and would have to be home at 12.30
at the very latest,

and Mother did make that very clear.

As a mature student,
I won't be broadcasting

that I'm a former quantity surveyor
with two kids, a crippling mortgage,

and a very angry ex-wife.

I'm also going to the freshers' ball
in blackface,

cos I did it in the early '90s,

and I'm pretty sure it's still
extremely funny.

Oh, bless them.

Tom, did you develop a cool new
persona when you went to university?

No. No need, because I was
already quite a cool guy

who dabbled in drug-taking,
cage fighting,

and pansexuality, so...

So yes, then.

We'll be back with more later.

Last Wednesday,
the BBC's complaints unit ruled

that Breakfast presenter
Naga Munchetty

breached impartiality guidelines
by criticising Donald Trump

over comments made about
four congresswomen of colour,

a ruling that was overturned
by the director general on Monday.

To discuss things further, here's
our impartiality correspondent,

Ahir Shah!


Thank you, Nish.

It's a pleasure
to be here... but also not.

It's not a pleasure to be here?

I've got to stay impartial.

If the Naga Munchetty case
is anything to go by,

the only brown person allowed to
have an unambiguous opinion

on the BBC is you.

And Romesh's mum.
And sometimes Romesh's mum. Yeah.

Shout-out to Shanthi Auntie!

So, Ahir, can you explain to us
what happened with Naga?

Well, let's take a look at this
quick segment from BBC Breakfast

on 17th July.

Every time I have been told,
as a woman of colour,

to go back to where I came from,
that was embedded in racism.

Now, I'm not accusing anyone
of anything here,

but you know what certain phrases

OK. What's the problem with that?

Well, BBC rules mean that
a journalist is allowed to

state facts but not infer motive.

Munchetty was ruled to have
inferred that Donald Trump

told four congresswomen to go back
where they came from

because he's racist.
Isn't that a reasonable inference?

You'd think so, but no.

You see, BBC viewers

are personally entitled to infer
that Donald Trump uses racism

as a palate-cleanser during breaks
from his other hobbies

of golf and sleep. However,
Naga Munchetty is a BBC journalist,

and, as such,
is held to a higher standard than,

to pick an example out of thin air,

the President of the United States.

Makes sense. It makes sense.

she is supposed to remain impartial

about something that Trump
is unbelievably partial to.

Right. So what happened next?

Well, a viewer complained to the BBC
about the tone of the comments

made by Munchetty
and her co-host Dan Walker.

Last Wednesday,
the complaint against Munchetty

was partially upheld. Wait. If the
complaint was about both of them,

why was only Naga Munchetty
censored? We can't possibly say.

Why not?
Sorry, no, Nish,

WE can't possibly say. Tom?

Dan Walker's white.
Cheers, mate.

That's why you've always got to
have one in the squad.

You've always got to have one
in the squad.

We've been saying it for years.

The thing I don't understand
about this whole thing is that

she didn't even call Trump a racist.

I know! Look, all she really did was
talk about her own lived experience.

Look, I've been told to "go home",

normally in a bar at 2.00 am,

and preceded by the phrase,
"Sir, I think you should..."

but Trump specifically targeted
four women of colour,

three of whom were born in the US,

and told them to go back and...

Now, if we can't agree that
that's racist,

it is at least race-esque.

Yeah. That's when everyone knows
something's at best borderline.

Use it in a sentence.

Justin Trudeau's dressing-up box
is race-esque. Yes.


I get it completely now, yeah.

Right. Last Friday,
44 prominent British broadcasters

and journalists of colour,
including these guys,

penned an open letter to the BBC

in which they pointed out that...

Look, the question of who gets
to be fully human

is not up for debate. I'm
all for journalistic impartiality,

but some things just are settled.

Nish, if the BBC had been around
in the 17th century,

the equivalent of Andrew Marr would
have been forced to say,

"Thanks for your opinion regarding
the Earth going around the sun,

"Galileo. Now,
in the interests of balance,

"here's someone who wants to
burn you to death!"

At any rate, on Monday,
the director general overturned

the complaint unit ruling
against Naga Munchetty,

meaning the BBC is now
in the perfectly balanced position

of disagreeing with itself.

OK. So where does this leave us?

Well, look, the right decision
was reached in the end,

but it just feels like another
example of an organisation,

aware that it's under
existential threat,

attempting to appease
those who hate it

at the expense of common-sense.
To the complaints unit -

I refer you to the words
literally carved in stone

outside New Broadcasting House.

"If liberty means anything at all,

"it means the right to tell people
what they do not want to hear."

And to Naga Munchetty, I say,
"Solidarity, sister.

"Don't let the bastards
grind you down,"

and also, in the interests
of impartiality, go fuck yourselves.

Thank you to the
ever-impartial Ahir Shah!


Seeing as the news in this country
has been so depressing of late,

we wanted to take a little time out

to focus on something joyous
and hopeful,

and there's nothing more joyous
and hopeful

than bringing a new life
into the world,

so with that in mind, please
welcome our pregnancy correspondent

Felicity Ward!
Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks, Nish.

Yes, I am indeed pregnant or,
as the Italians say, prego.

They do say that.

Firstly, can I say congratulations?

And secondly, how far along are you?

I'm seven months pregnant,

and I've got this pregnancy app
that tells me how far along I am

and what size my baby is
compared to a piece of food.

So, first it was a grain of rice,

and then a red lentil,

and now it's the size
of a pineapple,

and it's such a great feature
if you want to imagine

what it's like to eat your baby.

I mean, it must be amazing to have
a human life growing inside you.

Oh, Nish, the pregnant body
is absolutely incredible.

I can't believe it's
not on the news every night.

What did you do this morning?
Had a coffee...

Made a brain with my uterus!

Didn't even use my hands, mate.

It's not a competition,
but I AM better than you.

I'm not disputing that.

What is the hardest
thing about being pregnant?

Oh... Shat myself?


Once while I was on stage.

Didn't even know it was happening.

Can you smell something?

Don't answer that!

Thank God. I thought that was me.

Plus, I've also had to go to the
emergency room

four times for bleeding,

and I've had to have steroid
injections to

strengthen my baby's lungs.

And this has been an easy pregnancy
and one that I wanted.

Imagine if I was going through this
because I couldn't get an abortion!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Felicity,
can we not talk about abortion

in front of your unborn baby?

Oh, my God, you're absolutely right.
I'm sorry.

I mean, it still seems
a little bit confronting,

to be talking to a pregnant woman
about abortion.


You know, statistically,
100% of abortions involve pregnancy.

It's like a crucial part.

I thought you were smart.
You should do some reading, Nish.

Look, Nish, the fact is, when it
comes to reproductive rights,

we don't seem to listen to people
who need abortions

or people who've had abortions,

or women who don't have children,

so I thought maybe this might
get people's attention.

Felicity, I was really
expecting this segment

to be a little bit
less about abortion rights,

and a bit more about your cute baby.

Oh, I can do that, Nish.

Look at this.

We bought him a little onesie!

Look how small it is!

And also -
I didn't even know this existed -

I bought a pregnancy painting kit.

You paint your stomach.
I hate myself, but I love him,

and I've never even met him before!


This is the content.
This is what we've been after! Yes!

Now let's talk about Northern
Ireland's restrictive abortion laws.

Oh, God.

So this week,
pregnant Labour MP Stella Creasy -

shout-out to my heartburn sister -

she was targeted by a really
horrible advertisement

paid for by anti-abortion
activists in her constituency.

It was protesting against
her amendment

which could mean that,
later this month,

abortion rights will be extended
to Northern Ireland,

cos right now, in Northern Ireland,
abortion is illegal

even in the cases of rape
and incest.

Can I get a chair?
I'm still pregnant.

Thank you.

They don't fold any more!

So Northern Ireland is going to be
brought in line with

the rest of the UK, where
abortion has been decriminalised?

Oh, the UK? You think abortion
has been decriminalised in the UK?

Yeah, I think abortion...

Nish, in the UK,
it's still technically

a criminal offence to have
an abortion.

It's also still technically a
criminal offence to touch a pelican,

but that's another segment.

Wait. What do you mean,
it's a criminal offence?

Well, you can't just walk up to
a pelican and start...

No! I mean about abortion!
Oh, right.

Sorry, the Abortion Act of 1967
means that even though it's a crime,

it's legal to get an abortion
under certain circumstances.

Basically, most abortions
are like wearing a mankini -

it's not punishable by law,

but it's still considered
a criminal act.

The wider point here is that
women's rights over their own bodies

are still not clear cut,
and we're still debating it.

It's still happening.

I mean, you thought you were
bored of talking about Brexit.

Imagine how long we've been trying
to discuss legal abortion

and autonomy over our own bodies!

Oh, we have fun!

Now, I'm about to say something
that's never been said before.

We should be more like
the Isle of Man. I know!

They completely decriminalised
abortion in May of this year.

Come on, people, we're
falling behind the Isle of Man!

You know?

The Isle of Man's capital
is called Douglas!

Their flag is just three legs!

Three legs that have been slapped
together like a Toy Story character.

You put fireworks on
each of the feet,

you've got yourself
a Catherine wheel!

I mean, look at it!
It's one leg short of a swastika.

This segment has somehow gone from
pregnancy to abortion to Nazis.

Pregnancy's a wild ride, man.

Look, I'm so stoked
about being pregnant.

This is the best thing
that's ever happened to me,

but I just thought it's important
to remind people

that not every pregnancy
is as wanted as mine,

and we are still having
this conversation.

In 2019, there are still lots
of pregnant people in the UK

who don't have the ability
to make safe choices

about what happens to their body

without the threat of going
to prison. That is fair enough.

I also wanted to come on, because I
felt this was also really important,

to show you this.
We're going to call him Douglas!

Felicity Ward, everyone!


Greta Thunberg busted after
teacher sees her on TV.

Justin Bieber gets married,

but I don't give a shit because I'm
not a 12-year-old girl from 2010.

Accurately kicking ball
back to lads in park

highlight of man's year.

Prince Harry is suing
the Mail On Sunday

over its treatment of Meghan Markle,

putting the UK's nans
in a near-impossible position

of choosing between their
beloved royal family

and their favourite
hate-packed newspaper.

Professor Henry Brubaker, why is
Prince Harry versus the Mail

so hard for Britain's
grandmother community?

Nans, grans or nanas are the most
ardent Mail On Sunday fans.

Some have "taken" the Mail
for over seven decades,

developing an almost
junkie-like addiction

to its trademark mix of
anti-immigrant scare stories,

Brexit propaganda, and a free packet
of seeds for every reader!

But they also love the royal

especially the Queen,
and even though Meghan is,

as nans would put it, "a dark lady,"

she gets a free pass
for being married to Harry

who, for some reason, they consider
to be their own grandson.

So who will nans back -
their hate pamphlet of choice,

or Diana's son?

Tough call,

but the Mail has been running
a dream cottage competition

that's had nans cutting out coupons
for the last nine weeks.

That's a big time investment,
particularly at their age,

so they might just decide Meghan's
a cow and keep buying the Mail.

And if you're a nan who's been
affected by this issue,

why not try letting us know on
Twitter, and see how that pans out?

We'll be back with more later.

The Conservative Party conference
happened this week,

and there were two key slogans.

Firstly, "get Brexit done,"

and secondly, "Boris didn't do it!

"Whatever you're saying he did,
he definitely didn't do it.

"Everyone shut up! Look over there!
Jacob Rees-Mogg did something posh.

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

I have a quick question, though. Why
was the slogan "get Brexit done"?

Why wasn't it,
"get Brexit done WELL"?

You're not exciting people
by saying,

"Let's just get this over with".

It'd be like me promoting this show
by saying,

"Watch The Mash Report - it ends".

Look, I'm sympathetic.

We've all started a task with the
best intentions of doing it well,

and then got bored halfway through
and half-arsed the ending.

It's just like painting a room,
or writing this joke.

Blah-blah-blah, funny joke,
weird image.

What does that mean?

It doesn't matter,
I got the joke done.

If Johnson wants Brexit to be over,

his first task would be to pass a
deal with a majority in Parliament,

which would have been a lot easier

if he hadn't just
told 21 of his MPs to fuck off.

He'd then need a supermajority
in the European Council,

which would have been a lot easier

if he hadn't just spent three years
telling them to fuck off.

The only way this could be
worse for him is

if he needed the support of
Parliament, the EU and his ex-wives.

While Johnson's current proposal

is being trumpeted as a big step

it fails to fully address

the prospect of a hard border
in Ireland,

an issue that seemed to be
solved by the peace process,

and has now been reopened by Brexit.

It was solved!
Why are we going back now?

I tell you what,
while we're un-solving problems,

let's rebuild the Berlin Wall

and take the wheels off
suitcases again.

We just got it right!

The Daily Telegraph's Europe editor
Peter Foster

notes that clause 17a of
Boris Johnson's new proposal

makes reference to
a "transit mechanism,"

which in effect leads to physical
checks and constant monitoring

of goods travelling between
the North and South of Ireland.

Foster's in-depth research led him
to conclude that Number 10

were playing a game of -
and I quote - semantic bullshit.

Wow! That is someone from the

calling Johnson's deal bullshit.

That's like the next issue of
Horse And Hound

leading with "I hate dogs,
and I'm opening a glue factory".

It's also been noted that the new
deal is unlikely to be acceptable

to Irish Taoiseach Leo Varadkar,

whose opinion people keep forgetting

So that leaves us with the nuclear
option - a no-deal Brexit,

or as Nigel Farage keeps calling it
a "clean break",

presumably because "hard"
or "no deal" sounds bad.

But "clean break" doesn't
even sound that good.

It's normally said by a doctor
and preceded by the words,

"Hey, at least it's a..."

Why not be more ambitious, Nigel?

What about "voyage of discovery
Brexit" or "freestyle Brexit"?

Or "maybe the real Brexit is
the friends we made along the way"?

Or just "big dick Brexit"?

Although, actually, I do have one.

"Almost certainly illegal as a
consequence of the Benn Act Brexit"!

Oh, it really rolls off the tongue!

The Benn Act obliges Johnson to
request an extension from the EU 27.

However, senior Government ministers

have been pledging to ignore
the Benn Act,

which seems weird,
especially given Home Secretary

and every Asian kid's
least-favourite auntie Priti Patel

gave this threatening speech
at the Tory party conference,

and emphatically made this point.

And to the criminals,

I simply say this.

We are coming after you.

For what? Advice?

"Can you help us?
We really suck at this."

"Yeah, for one thing, you should
stop going on TV

"and saying you're going to
commit a crime.

"You don't see many bank robbers
announce their intentions

"on Good Morning Britain!"

Even if
they find a way around the act,

no deal does not "get Brexit done".

According to a report by think-tank
UK In A Changing Europe,

we'd have to spend even
more time and resources

negotiating new trade agreements,
which the Government's own

Operation Yellowhammer says could
end up happening

against a background of food
and medicine shortages,

as well as sudden widespread
unemployment and even rioting.

Seeing no deal Brexit as
a way of getting Brexit done

is a bit like thinking,
"I need a shit.

"I know, I'll do it in my pants,
and that way it's done

"and I can get on with my day, and
never have to think about it again."



Done and done.

Promising to get Brexit done
by October 31st is a fallacy.

We should be seeking an extension

and trying to work out
how best to do this

without ruining people's lives.
I'm not trying to stop Brexit,

I'm saying let's get it done,
but let's get it done properly.

The Brexit offered by Johnson's deal
is a non-starter,

while the Brexit offered by
a no deal is a never-ender.

If anything, no deal means
Brexit forever,

and I do not want to be talking
about this stuff

for the next 30 years.

and welcome to The Mash Report 2049.

Brexit rumbles on
as Prime Minister Farage,

now kept alive solely by spite,

assures us that we're only two years
away from a fisheries deal

with the EU in a move
critics are calling "redundant,

because the oceans boiled
five years ago".

In other news,
President Ivanka Trump

refuses to free
Greta Thunberg from space jail.

Now over to The Mash news desk for
the latest headlines.

Man not allowed to leave desk
until Brexit finished.

That's all from us. Goodnight.

Democrats in the United States

have opened a formal impeachment
inquiry into President Donald Trump.

This is in the wake of new
revelations that Trump

had tried to bribe the President
of the Ukraine

into digging dirt on his potential
rival Joe Biden.

Now, to tell us more,
please welcome our US correspondent,

Desiree Burch!


And a very merry
impeachment season to you, Nish!

# It's the most wonderful
time of this year. #

I've already put up
my impeachment tree,

I've hung out
my impeachment stockings.

Plus, I already have
an impeachment advent calendar.

It's in the shape
of a White House,

and there's only one door,
and when you open it,

you see the FBI dragging Trump out
kicking and screaming.

Are you saying
that we can finally get excited

because they're finally going to
get rid of Trump?

Well, what I'm saying is that
it's like Christmas

in that there's a lot of excitement
and build-up,

but on the day,
you think you're getting an Xbox,

and what you're really getting
are socks.

Orange socks.

Orange racist socks.
The socks are Donald Trump, Nish,

and now your feet are going to
stink forever.

OK. Right. I clearly just don't
understand what impeachment is.

Impeachment is a last resort to fix
a bad political relationship.

In that way, it's kind of like anal.

In principle, there is a small
chance that it's going to go great,

but in reality, the chances are
much greater that everyone involved

is going to end up covered in shit

with a profound distrust
for the other.

I mean,
you know what I'm talking about.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

My point is, historically,
impeachments do not work.

They're basically the
pull-out method of democracy.

So far, they have never actually
removed a US President.

In fact, our most effective method
of getting rid of Presidents

is a procedure we like to call
getting shot.

So if this whole thing is
so pointless,

why are the Democrats even doing it?

Trump on trial, Nish!

Trump on trial!

It's going to be like
Girls Gone Wild,

but we all get to stare at
a much bigger tit.

First of all,
he is going to have to address

these abuse of power charges,

whether or not he said he would
withhold military aid to Ukraine

unless they dug up dirt
on his opponent,

not only the quid pro quo,
but the subsequent cover-up,

and how funny is it going to be

to watch Trump trying to
pronounce "quid pro quo"?

He can't even pronounce words
in English

he should definitely already know.

God bless Israel,

God bless the Palestinians,

and God bless the United "Shaersh".
Thank you very much.

Oh, it never stops being funny,
it really doesn't.

That's the name of the country!

And look, the
Republican-controlled Senate,

who would be in charge
of these proceedings,

will likely do everything
in their power

to limit Trump giving testimony
at all,

because this is a guy who loves
confessing to his crimes.

You know how most criminals
will put their hand

over the microphone to whisper
secrets to their lawyer?

Trump is the kind of guy who puts
his hand over his lawyer's mouth

to whisper secrets
into the microphone.

Just imagine the crazy shit
we're going to find out

if he ever goes on the stand,
and it's already begun.

Just this week,

it emerged that he allegedly wanted
his dumb-ass border wall

to be guarded by a moat full
of snakes or alligators.

When he said
he was going to drain the swamp,

I didn't realise it was in order to
put them on the payroll.

So if impeachment isn't going to
remove him,

and it won't cost him
even the 2020 election,

why do it at all?

Because, Nish, America is supposed
to be some kind of

beacon of democracy
and a nation of laws,

and this one person is undoing each
and every one of them,

and if we don't use the one,
huh, TRUMP card

that our constitution
provided for us to redress this,

we won't have just failed,
we will have just given up.

To fix this, we're going to have to
work together.

We're going to need to go slowly,
use a lot of communication,

a lot of deep breathing,
and a lot - I mean A LOT - of lube.

Oh, my God, you're talking
about anal again, aren't you?

You said you knew nothing
about it, Nish!

Desiree Burch, everyone!


The closing headlines -

floods confirmed as God's
punishment for defying the will

of the 17.4 million.

Woman who lives for the weekend
has another shit weekend.

And Greggs is stockpiling pork

in case of no-deal Brexit.

The chain said it was also

whatever the fuck is in
that steak bake.

That's all from us.

That's all from us on
The Mash Report this week.

Join us again next week
for our final episode of the series.

Will Trump be impeached?
Will we finally leave the EU?

Tune in for the answers to literally
none of these questions. Goodnight!