The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 4 - Message for Maureen/Gotcha/Acapulco Connection - full transcript

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon we'll be making ♪



♪ Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something ♪

♪ For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

Who do we see
about the staterooms?



That lady over there.

Oh. Oh, come on, darling.

Hello. Welcome aboard.

Thank you. Thank you.

My name is Wolfe

and this is my wife
Anita. How do you do?

And I'm... I'm Cyril Wolff.

Well, hello. How do you do?

Agh!

Gotcha. Heh-heh.

Cyril, you promised.

Honey, I couldn't help myself.

Oh, hey, that's okay, Mr. Wolfe.

But I'm sorry, we're not
allowed to accept tips.

Not even fingertips.

( laughs )

She's got a sense
of humor, I'll tell you.

Hello, we're the Dickersons.

Hello. Julie McCoy.
How do you do?

I'd like you to meet the Wolfes.

How do you do? How do you do?

Uh, good meeting you, Reverend.

( electric buzz )

Gotcha. Heh-heh.

Oh, no. Well, I never.

Oh, you ought
to try it sometime.

It's all right, my dear.

All right.

Look, honey, you only have
to put up with it for ten days.

I've had it for 20 years.

And I mean, had it.

Gopher? Mm-hm?

Could we get up a
little more speed?

Let's try for at
least third gear.

Oh, gee, I'm
sorry, Miss Mitchell.

I... I thought with...

Yes, I know. Everybody thinks.

But as long as I have
to be in this thing,

I may as well have some fun.

Fun? Mm-hm.

Okay.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

( imitates engine revving )

( both laughing )

Whoo!

All right, pit stop here.

Uh, come on, you guys.

Easy does it.

There's one.

There's two.

Whoo!

Piece of cake.

Oh, wonderful. Oh, sir,

I'd like you to meet...

Uh, yes. I know, Gopher. I know.

Miss Maureen Mitchell.

I've been following your
tennis career for years.

Last month Wimbledon, this
month the Indianapolis 500.

( imitates engine )

Uh, this is our captain,
Captain Stubing.

How do you do?

Oh, fine, thank you.
Except in tennis.

Actually my problem
is with my serve.

Oh, what's wrong
with your serve?

I keep missing the ball.

( all laugh )

Uh, I'll see you at
my table tonight.

Okay.

Okay, you said, uh, Cabin 342,

that's Promenade Deck.

Uh, Gopher? Hm?

I can manage. I really can.

Oh. Uh, well, okay. Thank you.

Uh, it's... It's through
those doors and to the left.

Okay. Thank you
very much, Gopher.

Okay. Anytime. See you later.

( horn blares )

( upbeat theme playing )

( mouths ): Bye.

Oh! Sorry. I... Well,
look who's here.

And I thought this was
going to be a pleasure cruise.

Hello, Mitchell.
How's your back?

None of your business.

I'm sorry. I was only asking.

One rap in my column,
you're still sore, huh?

Everybody has a bad day.

Six-one, six-love
isn't a bad day,

it's the pits.

Boy, do I hate a sore loser.

Talk about your sore losers.

How do you rate a guy

who gets revenge
for a busted romance

by taking cheap shots
with his typewriter?

Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

So that's what you think, huh?

Maureen, look,

you and I had a
good thing going,

and we blew it.

But I don't let my personal
life affect my column.

Who cares about your column?

I use it for wrapping fish.

Well, you keep playing the
way you did at Wimbledon

and you may be
wrapping fish for a living.

( stammers )

Mitchell...

Hey.

Get well soon.

The game needs you.

Hey, what's the matter
with you, Ballard?

Getting human in your old age?

( sighs )

Oh, Anita, I don't know
why you're so mad.

Everybody loves a dribble glass.

Not when they're drinking
a $50 bottle of wine,

they don't. ( scoffs )

I-I offered to buy the captain
a new uniform, didn't I?

Will you just quit it?

Honey, you don't...
You don't understand.

I-I just can't help it.

I can't help it.
I-it's a sickness.

I know they're childish
pranks: the water balloons,

the itching powder,
even the plastic doody.

Honey, I-I-I can't
stop it. I really can't.

Inside me there's a real
joke just dying to get out.

( screams )

Oh!

( upbeat theme playing )

Thank you.

( knock on door )

Yeah?

GOPHER: Hi!

Look who I found hot-rodding
down the passageway.

Doc, say hi to Maureen Mitchell.

Don't tell me, I know
why you're here.

You want a lesson
on your backhand.

You must have
seen my last match.

( chuckles )

Hi. I'm Adam Bricker.

How do you do?

I heard you were
on board. Welcome.

You're not having
a problem, are you?

Only with my chauffeur.

He should have
his license revoked.

I can take a hint.

Call me if you need me, Maureen.

"Miss Mitchell" to you.

Keep in touch. Don't be strange.

We'll have lunch.

Bye.

I promised my doctor I'd
give you my medical charts.

Okay. Well, let's see.

Oh, no. How about that?

Your orthopedist
is Earve Haywood?

Mm-hm. You know him?

Do I know him? We went
to med school together.

( laughing )

Earve will stop at
nothing for a joke.

One time we were
sharing this cadaver...

Well, uh, maybe
that's for another time.

Anyway, when you see
him again, please say hello.

I will.

In fact, when we get
back to Los Angeles,

I'm taking a flight to Houston
so he can operate on me.

Couldn't be in better
hands. ( knocking on door )

On second thought,
don't say hello.

I'll call him myself.

Oh, hi. Are you the doctor?

Yeah, what happened?

Uh, I think I sprained my knee.

Oh. Here, get up here.

( grunting )

Is that sensitive?

Not if it's his knee.

( scoffs )

Go bite a tennis ball.

I gather you two have met?

Unfortunately.

Yeah, you're right
about that strain.

Well, I'll tape it up for you,

but you'll have to stay
off it for a couple of days.

Well, how will I get around?

In one of those.

( lighthearted theme playing )

Welcome to the club.

Have to?

Well, unless the lady
wants to give you a lift.

Sorry, company policy.

No hitchhikers.

Ha-ha-ha.

( grunts ) Let's
keep it straight.

Let's just keep it straight.

( majestic theme playing )

( over speakers ): This is
Captain Stubing speaking.

We hope you've enjoyed
your day in Acapulco.

We will be getting
under way for Mazatlán

in just a few minutes.

WOMAN ( with Mexican accent
): Hey, hey, hey. Look, look.

Souvenir? You
wanna buy souvenir?

Souvenir, everybody.

Last chance. Last opportunity.

( horn blares )

Mister, mister, want
a beautiful souvenir?

Uh, miss, you better get ashore.

We're about ready to shove off.

Already?

( sighs )

Gee, time fly and
business is terrible.

But I don't know what
my family gonna do.

Oh, your family, huh?

Mm-hm.

I help to support all of them.

All of them?

All my brother and
sister. Seventeen of them.

Seventeen? What
does your father do?

I just told you.

( laughs )

Hey, why don't
you buy everything

and help me out?

Ah, well, miss, uh,

you know, I've bought so
many Mexican souvenirs,

I could open my own shop.

Now, I have to go above

and act like I know
what I'm doing.

Okay. I'll be seeing you.

( upbeat theme playing )

America, here I come!

( upbeat theme playing )

( speaking indistinctly )

( whispers ): You
see what I see?

I saw it first.

Wait a minute, I know that foot.

( laughs )

Good morning.

( laughs )

Morning. Morning, sir.

GOPHER: Well, sir, uh,

evidently somebody
lost this $100 bill.

And, uh, Julie and I
were just gonna return it

to the lost and found.

Right.

I'll take care of it.

( laughing )

Oh, captain, I'm so sorry.

I'm afraid this is
just another one

of my husband's
stupid practical jokes.

Oh. Him again, hm?

I'll teach him a lesson.

So will I.

Thank you... for
the Christmas fund.

( mellow theme playing )

Damn.

A.J. White you're not.

Point, Miss Mitchell.

You have to back it on.

Oh.

You need some help?

Yes.

Yes, I sort of feel
like one of those

busted shopping carts
that keeps turning in circles.

You must be right-handed.

What?

If you're right-handed,

you push more
on the right wheel,

causing it to veer to the left.

That makes sense.

Hm.

I'm a whiz with wheelchairs.

It's sports writers
that I can't handle.

What do you say we call time-out

and talk it over?

( upbeat theme playing )

You know, the
passengers really love it

when the crew
members get together

and put on a show.

And if you do something...

Miss McCoy, I am
the captain of this ship,

not Soupy Sales.

It is important that
I conduct myself

in a manner that
commands respect.

I don't sing, I don't dance

and I don't tell jokes.

I guess juggling
oranges is out too.

One word was right:

out.

Right.

Oh, can I make
up your cabin now,

Captain Stubing?

Yes, go right ahead.

WOMAN'S VOICE: Oh...

( woman groaning )

( sighing )

( lighthearted theme playing )

Do you make up
everybody's bed this way,

or just mine?

Well, I don't know
how she got in there.

I can't be expected to
check under every bed sheet.

I got a million and
one things to do,

all these cabins to make up

and towels and sheets to clean.

Well?

Well, I got in myself.

I'm guilty. I'm also sick.

Oh, just what I
needed: a stowaway.

Stowaway!

Stowaway. You need a stowaway?

Oh, I'm lucky, lucky.

Ah!

( laughs )

Please, please, I'm the captain.

Um, what's your name?

Well, my name is

Algolina Patricia
Ruiz Inex Lopez.

It is A-P-R-I-L.

Everybody in
Acapulco call me April.

Well, welcome aboard, April.

Uh...? Thank you.

Thank you. I, uh...

I mean, uh, why don't we
help her out of the laundry?

( dramatic theme
playing ) ( grunts )

Yes.

I'll come back later

when you don't
have your hands full.

( upbeat theme playing )

( speaking in Spanish)

Ladies. Gracias.

I'm in trouble, no?

You're in trouble, yes.

What you've done
is against the law.

I'm really sick.

Captain, please don't punish me.

Oh, don't make
me walk the plank.

Ooh, I'm so allergic
to... To sharks.

They make me break
out in tooth marks.

( speaks indistinctly )

We'll have to put you
ashore at the next stop.

( gasps )

Whoopee! Yippee!

( strums guitar chord )

♪ I like to live in America ♪

♪ Okay by me in America ♪

♪ Everything free in America ♪

♪ Sock it to me ♪

I'm going to America.

Olé.

Captain, I think
you'd better explain

that our next stop is Mazatlán.

Uh, do you know you're
getting off at Mazatlán?

Sure.

♪ You are getting
off At Mazatlán... ♪

No, no, no, no, look,

young lady, you are a stowaway.

I can't take you to America.

You are getting
off at the next stop.

Oh, please, don't
make the next stop.

That way you won't have to worry

and pick up anymore stowaways.

Captain, take me
to America. Please.

I have to go to America.

Uh, I tell you what,
when we are there

I get lost. I promise.

I even will help
you to throw me off.

Please?

I want to be in show business.

Real bad.

Sorry, your cruise
ends at Mazatlán.

( phone rings )

Heartbreak Hotel.

If you're a blonde,
I'm available.

What if I'm bald?

Sir. Captain.

Hi.

Come to my quarters immediately.

I have a young woman
I want you to take

to see Dr. Bricker.

Oh, he'll like that.

On the double.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

On the double.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hi, doc.

This is April.

Well,

I can't wait to see
the rest of the year.

( sighs )

Oh... What seems
to be the problem?

It my stomach. It feel
like a roller coaster.

It go ups, it go down.
It go ups, it go down.

It go ups and down.

Yeah, what you need is
something for seasickness.

I already got seasickness.

What I want is
something to make it stop.

Well, a funny patient.

That's why we brought
her to a joke doctor.

Hm.

Take these.

What is this?

Looks like pills to me.

Take them.

Now go back to your
stateroom and lie down.

Doc, this is her stateroom.

April's a stowaway
and Captain Stubing

wants her kept here.

You mean he wants
her kept here with me?

Any complaints?

Yeah. Three's a crowd.

Doc, remember,

she's in your hands.

Just like Allstate.

I didn't say "good hands."

Gopher, let's get
together. We'll have lunch.

Hi.

( majestic theme playing )

Why did we have to
eat in here tonight?

You kidding? Ha.

After what you
did to the waiter,

I can't even show my face
in the dining room again.

Well, all I did was to tie
his shoelaces together.

Oh, Cyril.

Can't help it.

Said I was sorry.

I even helped him
pick the linguine

out of his toupee.

Oh, you always apologize

and then you do the
same thing over again.

Honey, honey, it's
not easy for a man,

you know, to... To... To...

To break the
habits of a lifetime.

Not easy at all.

Understand?

I'm telling you, Cyril,

you better start
breaking some habits

or you're gonna end
up with a new one:

writing alimony checks.

Anita, darling, I'm
trying, I'm trying.

I'm warning you, Cyril.

This is your last chance!

Uh, please, Anita,
d-don't sit there.

Don't... Don't...
Don't sit there.

Uh, sit over there.

( laughs ): Oh, no you don't.

I'm not falling for
that old chestnut.

That's it!

I'm getting out
of this marriage!

I sai... I said...

I said don't sit
there. ( sighs )

Anita, darling, you...

Please, you've gotta
give me one more chance.

If I give you one more chance,

I'll end up in intensive care!

( groaning ): No! No!

I'll help. You've
put on weight, dear.

You... You...
You've put on weight.

Oh!

( mellow music playing in room )

I've got to remember
the 99 times out of 100

that this operation
is successful.

Mm-hm. I mean, the idea

of never walking again is...

Well, I have the feeling
that I will be getting you

six pairs of adidas
on your next birthday.

You know something, Ballard?

Hm?

I've missed you.

I've missed you too, Maureen.

( talking inaudibly )

Good evening.

Good evening, captain. Hi.

Hello, Julie. Hi.

I hope you'll forgive
me for not standing.

I am sorry to hear
about what happened

to your knee, Mr. Ballard.

Well, as it turns out,

it's one of the nicest
things that happened to me.

Captain, I think these
people would like to be alone.

Mm. Well, I bet that's why
they picked a table for two...

Mm-hm. Miss McCoy.

MAUREEN: Please excuse me.

I have to get back on
duty. Well, good evening

and thank you very much.
( all talking indistinctly )

( both clearing throats )

( whispers ): Come here. Mm-hm.

What ever happened to us?

I don't know, maybe we were just

too busy being stars. Oh, I see.

Your getting headlines
and my dreaming them up.

That kind of thing? Mm-hm.

We were always going
to take that month off

and just bum around together.

Yeah, I do... I
remember, all right.

We never could
find that month off,

could we? Mm-mm.

March. Out.

Virginia Slims
tournament. Mm-hm.

April. Baseball season opening.

Mm-hm. May?

Davis Cup.

Yeah. June.

BOTH: Wimbledon.

Yes, I know. Mm-hm.

Well, still, with
all that, though,

we, uh...

We did manage to grab a
few interesting moments.

( laughs ): Didn't we?
( laughs ): Mm-hm.

It added up to about, uh,
one very long weekend.

Mm.

And even that, we
wasted half of it fighting.

I'd rather remember
the other half.

I'd like to do more
than remember.

What do we do, lock wheels?

Just you wait till I get
out of this contraption,

John Ballard.

Okay.

Till then, to tennis.

Oh, to typewriters.

To true love.

May the last come first.

I'll drink to that.

( majestic theme playing )

No way, Gopher.
I'm not gonna do it.

What do you mean,
you're not gonna do it?

You can't do that not-do-it.

What are you talking about?

The cruise show.
He's backing out.

You can't do that.

That's what I said.

Isaac, I'm counting on you.

( laughs )

You owe me, man.

I saved your life.

I pulled you out of the water.

I was in the swimming
pool, floating on my back.

A technicality.

All right.

Flip a coin. Only
way. No, Gopher.

I'm not... Flip a coin.

You're not gonna get... Heads.

You lose.

Two out of three.

Wait till you see this act.

We'll kill them.

Yeah? What are you gonna do?

Oh, surprise. Right, buddy?

( chuckles )

That's all I need
on this cruise:

another surprise.

Oh yeah, I hear
we got a stowaway.

Mm.

You ought to see her.

Whew! Mm. Mm, tell me about her.

Will you two quit carrying on?

She's a very
sweet, innocent girl.

If she hangs around
Doc long enough,

she won't be.

She's staying in Doc's cabin.

That dog. I love it.

( Gopher and Isaac laugh )

( knocking on door )

( Bricker and April laughing )

Julie, what are you
doing here so late?

I just thought I'd
pop by and say hi.

Oh.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi... Uh, where's April?

Thought I'd say hi to her too.

( laughs ) She's,
uh, in my cabin.

We were just
getting ready for bed.

Uh, yeah, you
know, I was thinking...

Well, doc, here you go.

Oh, hi, Miss Julie.

Hi. Thanks, April.

I hope you don't get
crickets in your back,

uh, sleeping on this thing.

Rest in peace.

Okay?

Okay.

( as April ): Rust in peace.

( upbeat theme playing )

Doc... Doc... Wake up.

I have to talk to you.

Oh, are you in luck,

the patient who
had the appointment

for this hour just cancelled.

Hey, get up.

There is something
we have to disgust.

Okay. Start disgusting.

Are you like this
all the way down?

No, at the waist I
branch out into legs.

Please, relax.
What's on your mind?

Tomorrow they are going to
put me ashore in Mazatlán.

I'm so scared.

When you get off at Mazatlán,

nothing's gonna happen to you.

Well, you'll get on a bus and
go right back to your family.

My family.

How can I go to my family?

I let them down.

April, don't be so
hard on yourself.

You're doing the best you can.

So far, my best turns
out to be the worst.

What should I do?

You keep on trying,
that's what you do.

And I'm betting
on you to make it.

You cure me again, doc.

You turn my frown upside down.

Oh...

now I know what the
wart prince means.

I've gotta get you
a better dictionary.

( upbeat theme playing )

Now, you take good
care of yourself now, April.

Don't worry about
me, Miss Julie.

I'll be all right.

April, if they really
wanted to beautify America,

they'd let you in.

Thank you, Gopher.

Stay cool, April.

So long, kid.

It was nice having
you in my bed.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Miss Julie.

( sighs )

MAN ( over PA ): Good
afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

Our tours of Mazatlán will
be leaving in 20 minutes.

Easy.

Yeah. Oh...

See that? You haven't forgotten.

Oh.

But I wouldn't go
dancing tonight.

I wasn't asking.

Well... ( phone rings )

Excuse me. Thanks, doc.

You're welcome.

Yeah, operator.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. My
call to Dr. Hayward.

Hey, Irv, you old quack.

It's Adam Bricker.

A cruise ship. Uh-huh.

And I've got one of
your patients aboard,

Maureen Mitchell.

BRICKER: Shoot, I'm not
gonna give her back to you.

What?

What about the operation?

Irving, not even
with the new...?

Irving, if it were
any other surgeon,

I'd tell her to get
a second opinion.

Well, she's planning to take
a connecting flight to Houston

the day we dock.

Okay, Irving, I'll tell her.

So long.

Doc...

the operation's off, isn't it?

I can't discuss
this with you, John.

Although I know how
much it means to you,

what you just heard was
privileged communication.

I want to tell her, doc.

You never heard
that conversation.

You can't go by
the book on this one.

You've known her for four days.

I've known her for four years.

I love her, and I think that I
should be the one to tell her.

No.

Please.

Uh-uh.

Doc... please.

I just threw the book away.

Thank you.

( upbeat theme playing )

( horn blowing )

ISAAC: Gopher, we're
gonna make fools of ourselves.

Isaac, trust me.

Our act will be
the hit of the show.

For the doctor. Down the
passageway to the right.

Isaac, I come from a
show business family.

I have an Uncle who's a midget.

Basket of fruit for the doctor.

BRICKER: Who's it from?

I give you a clue.

I am bigger than a bread box
and I shake more than Jell-O.

April...

What are you doing here?

That's some greeting
for a long lost friend.

But you just left
here a few hours ago.

Okay.

I can go away for
another hour or so,

then maybe you'll miss me.

It's not a matter
of missing you,

you're supposed to
be on a bus home.

But you told me
to keep on trying.

Yeah, but I thought you'd
try on somebody else's ship.

I'm giving you a
lot of trouble, huh?

Are you going to
call the Captain?

Well... maybe not
until tomorrow morning.

I'm getting used to sleeping
on the examination table.

( knock on door )

Come in.

Hey...

Don't tell me.

I know that walk anywhere.

Rudolf Nureyev.

Your knee's all right, isn't it?

Oh, yes. Um, it's gonna be fine.

Just a little stiff.

Good.

You had me worried
there for a second.

Honey, I've been thinking...

after my operation, I'm going
to have to rest up for a while,

and it'll be a perfect
opportunity for us

to take that month we've
always talked about.

We can go up to your
cabin in the mountains.

We can go for long walks.

Maureen... Yes?

( melancholy theme playing )

There's something
you have to know.

What?

Sweetheart, I'd go anywhere
in the whole wide world with you,

at any time, but...

But what?

But only as man and wife.

I love you and I'm not
gonna take a chance

on losing you again.

I want to marry you.

John, I'm gonna let
you in on a secret.

If there's one thing
for me that beats

running around the tennis
court with Chrissy Everett,

it's walking down
the aisle with you.

( sighs )

ANITA: Oh, good afternoon.

Beautiful day.

REVEREND: Yes, isn't it?

Your husband
isn't around, is he?

No. Good.

Then I won't have to worry about
his sophomoric practical jokes.

I'm sorry.

I thought people were
unusually hostile today.

Look, Reverend Dickerson,
I want to apologize for Cyril.

He, uh...

Well, he has a rather
strange sense of humor.

Yes.

Sometimes it's rather difficult

to turn the other cheek.

So to speak.

( laughs )

Well, I want to thank you
for being so understanding.

I better go now.

I want to stop him
before he sinks the ship.

That poor woman.

With a husband like that,

you never know what's
gonna happen next.

( whimsical theme playing )

Help! Help!

Man overboard.

Man overboard? Oh, my goodness.

CYRIL: Man overboard.

Look. There's his hat!

I know that hat.

That's his hat.

It's our Mr. Wolff crying wolf.

What shall we do?

Nothing.

If we sound the alarm,

we'll be the laughing
stock of the entire ship.

I won't be made a fool of again.

Neither will I.

What if it's not his hat?

Huh?

What if we're wrong?

Oh...

I couldn't have that
on my conscience.

No.

We'd better report
what happened.

Mrs. Wolff, we're not sure,

but we think your
husband just fell overboard.

REVEREND: We saw
his hat floating away.

We've got to get
the ship stopped.

Oh, please. Reverend,
um... ( chuckles )

Relax. Don't worry.

Whatever Cyril falls into he
comes out smelling like a rose.

He doesn't mean to hurt
anyone with his silly pranks.

It's just that...

Well, sometimes
he gets carried away

and he doesn't
know when to stop.

Well, I'd like to stop him with
a straight left to the chops.

Now, Martha.

Well, I would. Martha.

I bet he'd know when
to stop if just for once,

the joke was on him.

You know, that's a
very interesting idea.

( upbeat theme playing )

We need alcohol,
iodine and adhesive tape.

What happened?

Somebody hurt?

Yeah, the audience.

It's for our act tonight.

Hey... here's April's guitar.

Oh, how nice.

Oh, doc, did she
give that to you?

No, she had it with her
when she got off the ship.

Doc... ( whistling )

Doc...

Captain Stubing
is going to kill us.

He's never let
anyone off that easy.

Never mind us. What about April?

He's gonna throw
her off the ship again.

If we tell.

I won't tell.

I won't tell.

I have to tell.

Trust me.

There are ways of
putting something like this.

Anita?

Anita? Are you here?

You should see what
I just did. It was terrific.

Anita?

Anita?

"Dear world, they just
told me my beloved Cyril

"has fallen to his doom.
I can't live without him.

"That's why I've
flung myself overboard

to join him in his
watery grave."

Oh, no...

Anita, darling...
I didn't mean it.

It's all my fault.

It's all my fault.

( all three ): Gotcha!

( upbeat theme playing )

May I start the show?

Yes, go right ahead.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to crew night.

Our show tonight is called

That's Almost Entertainment,

and I think after you
see our opening act,

you'll understand why.

Can we have a big hand
for Gopher and Isaac.

You look ridiculous.

That's funny, I've never
seen you look better.

( whistling "Yankee Doodle" )

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
we have a very special treat.

This act is our own Captain
Stubing's personal discovery,

Algolina Patricia
Ruiz Inex Lopez.

Okay.

( playing classical guitar )

♪ My thrill started long
ago With a dream of you ♪

♪ My thrill came alive The
moment you came in view ♪

♪ You are here ♪

♪ And you leave me
breathless With sheer delight ♪

♪ My thrill is to share
The gift that your lip ignite ♪

( singing in Spanish )

( audience cheering )

You know what I
could go for right now?

A brandy.

Good guess.

A good memory.
I'll be right back.

Don't worry. I can't run away.

Maureen, I've been
looking everywhere for you.

Dr. Hayward just called
to say some lab idiot

screwed up on your x-rays.

The operation's back on.

You're gonna be fine.

Would you run that
by me again, please.

Well, it's such great news.

I don't know how to apologize
for putting you through

what we put you
through since yesterday.

I know how shocked you must
have been when John told you

the operation was off.

Maureen?

I'm sorry, I'm just
a little stunned.

MAN ( over PA ): Dr. Bricker,
please report to the bridge.

Dr. Bricker, please.

Excuse me. They're
playing my song.

You're a great girl, Maureen.

I can't tell you how
happy I am for you...

for both of you.

Well, this ought to warm
you up, Mrs. Ballard.

Napoleon Brandy.

I think we should go
to the French Riviera

to buy the entire
stock, and then,

of course, to Paris
for some gowns,

and London for the
races at Ascot and then,

of course, the palace
to visit with the Queen.

John, I've been thinking, and,
uh, it's not going to work out.

We've been kidding ourselves.

What?

You've got your career
and I've got mine and...

I know you want
to marry me, but...

But? But what?

Sooner or later it
would come down to

who's career
would be first, and...

I wouldn't want you
to give up your career

and I can't give up mine.

Well, the hell with that, if
you love me you'd marry me.

That's all there is to it.

What's love got
to do with it, John.

You're marrying me out of pity.

What are you talking about?

I just saw Dr. Bricker...

and I found out
there was something

you didn't have
the guts to tell me.

Maureen, I...

How do you have the guts...

to tell the lady
that you love...

she's never going to walk again?

Maureen, I love
you and I want you...

and I'll be damn
lucky to get you...

any which way, on wheels,
on stilts or a pogo stick.

It really doesn't
matter to you, does it?

No, it doesn't.

Darling, there's something
else that the doctor told me

that I think you should know.

Yes?

They're going to go
ahead with the operation.

I'm going to be all right.

And afterwards I'm going to
need an awful lot of handholding...

and love...

and I'm going to need you.

You've got me.

( romantic theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, Billy.

Oh, sweetheart...

ooh, it's so good to see you.

You know customs checked
their file and they couldn't find

an international smuggler
with your son's description,

so we let him come aboard.

That's wonderful. Thank you.

Can I take your
picture? Mom? Dad?

Oh, sure. Sure.

A picture of the
new Cyril Wolff.

I feel ten years younger now
that I don't have to worry about

your dumb practical
jokes anymore.

Gotcha.

That's my boy.

Why do I suddenly
feel ten years older?

You're terrific, kid,
just like I taught you.

You're gonna be wonderful.
Dynamite, just dynamite.

Hey, thanks for inviting
us to your wedding.

Uh-huh. Yeah, but one detail.

When's it gonna be?

Well, that's what
we're working on now.

Well, we'll be back from
the mountains in August,

so it'll probably
be in September.

Ah, September you're
gonna be at Forest Hills,

so it'll probably be in October.

October? You're
covering the World Series.

Well, forget the World Series.

Forget Forest Hills.

No way, 'cause you're
going to be there.

Whatever you say.

Ah, see... Bye, all.

Bye. Bye, Maureen.

Bye.

Drive carefully.

What is gonna
happen with me now?

I don't know.

The Captain asked
us to stay here

till he comes back with Julie.

Maybe Charles Bronson'll
rescue you in a helicopter.

Or not.

April.

Do I have to go now, captain?

Right, you have to go now.

I'm going to jail?

No... to work.

To work?

Are you going to put
me in the change gang?

No, we're putting
you on the crew list.

The crew list?

Oh, oh, oh, wait a minute.

What do you mean?
What do you mean?

That I have to row this thing?

No, you don't have
to row this thing.

I've arranged for April to
work for the Princess Lines

as an entertainer
on another ship.

( screams )

Oh, Captain. You saved my life.

I love you. You are my
man, my man, I love you.

How many times do I have
to tell you, I am the captain.

How much I'm gonna get?

Three hundred a
week. Four hundred.

Three hundred.
Three hundred and fifty.

Two seventy-five.

Make it 300, we got a deal.

Congratulations.

Thank you, doc.
Isn't that beautiful?

I got 300 on that job a week

and I got one million
dollars worth in friends.

Oh, my goodness.

Thank you very much.

Julie, I got it.
I think I got it.

Oh, my goodness.

By the way, April,

your fare for this trip will
be deducted from your pay.

What do you mean?

Wait a minute is that a crew
rate or a passenger rate?

What about the
meals that I didn't get?

I think I need an agent.

( speaking in Spanish )

( upbeat theme playing )