The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Jake Gyllenhaal/Apple CEO Tim Cook/Run the Jewels & TV on the Radio - full transcript

Actor Jake Gyllenhaal (Everest (2015)); Apple CEO Tim Cook; Run the Jewels performs with TV on the Radio.

Stephen: Oh, hi there.

I was just pretending to vote.

What a strange couple of
soarchries the last two years

have been.

Im glad things are finally
changing... or theyre not.

You see, we taped this song last
week... oh, spoiler alert...

Theres about to be a song.

The rest of the show is live, so
stick around.

But right now, I have no idea
who won or how I feel.

( Laughs )
Come on!

But one thing I know for sure,
whichever side won today, the

good news is Americans are all
in this together.

Its bad news is...

Same as the good news.


♪ ♪
two years ago you voted to make

things better
♪ hey, thats what I did, too

turns out one of us was mistaken
♪ could have been me but it

might have been you
♪ but even though some of us

screwed us over back in 2016
♪ were in this big American

boat together
♪ but surprise, its a submarine

♪ we slammed the hatch
there was water on the floor.

♪ It Rose so fast
who built this thing with screen


♪ We make may collapse from all
the pressure

♪ but if we do, at least well
all crumple together

♪ no one agreed to bring
provisions on this submarine

♪ and someone emptied out all
the fire extinguishers and

filled them up with gasoline
♪ weve lost all communication

with anyone up above
♪ youve got no choice but to

love thy neighbor
♪ theres no one else here to


Weve all been trapped till the
next time we could vote

♪ weve all held hands
on each others throats

♪ and though its been only
stormy weather

♪ we cant drift apart
because were all stuck here

♪ but tonight might change our

minds and prove that hope is not
a delusion

♪ then again, all the bad things
done to humankind were done by

♪ why did god put us in charge

of us?

Were not even all believers
♪ we might be better off if we

gave the controls to golden

( cheers and applause )
♪ but we cant split up

thats not what were about
♪ besides, we tried that once.

And look how that turned out
♪ and so for the worse or for

the better
♪ today we got to pull the lever

in what just might be our last
boat ever

♪ oh, damn!

My feet are getting wetter
♪ but whatever happens tonight

well all find out together (

cheers and applause )

Its "the late show with
Stephen Colbert."

Tonight, live midterm lateness.

Plus Stephen welcomes from "the
circus," Alex Wagner and John


And hasan minhaj.

Featuring Jon batiste and stay

And now, live on tape from the
ed Sullivan theater in New York

city, its Stephen Colbert!

( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Woooo!

Come on!

Hi, there!

Hey, everybody!

Thanks everybody!

Thank you.

Thanks, everybody.

Jon, whats going on?

Give it up!

Give it up!

Audience: Stephen!







Stephen: Thank you, ladies
and gentlemen.

( Cheers and applause )
What a lovely crowd of people.

What a lovely crowd of people.

Welcome, welcome one and all to
"the late show."

Im your host, Stephen Colbert.

It is...

cheers and applause )

I feel exactly the same way.

Its election night, and the
late show is live!

- Everything... (
- Cheers and applause )

Everything... everything you see
right now is happening in real


To prove it, I sent an intern to
pick up the very latest edition

of "the New York times," and
heres the headline:

"It is 11:36 and 42 seconds P.M.

Eastern standard time."

There you go.

That proves it.

Now, we will... we will keep you
completely up to date with this

live CBS news ticker at the
bottom of our screen.

Oh, hey, look at that one.

Isnt that a humdinger?

I imagine.

I cant read the ticker
because its facing to you.

Many of the races have not been
called yet, right.

We have a lot still not called.

But with 100% of fox news
reporting, the democrats

will take control of the house
of representatives.

( Cheers and applause )
There it is opinion ha-ha-ha!

( Cheers and applause ) Nice.

Thats sweet.


So, here we have it.

Thats the first news of the

Democrats control the house!

They can now open investigations
into the president.

And well finally find out if
Donald Trump has ever done

anything unethical.

Thats the banner headline of
the evening... democrats take


Everything after this is just

The democrats have taken control
of half of one of the three

branches of government.

( Laughter )
All the g.O.P. Has is the other

half of congress, the supreme
court, and a president who does

whatever he wants.

So, so far, tonights feeling

( Laughter ) Yes.

( Laughter )
All, all... yes.

( Applause ) Its a hot one!

Thank you, citizen.

Now, apparently, voters
responded to the democrats call

to expand here,
more than trumps message:

"Latinos are coming to hit you
in the face with rocks!"

This victory means the return to
power of presumed speaker of the

house and woman treating herself
to two calcium chews tonight,

Nancy pelosi.

( Laughter )
You live it up, Nancy!

( Cheers ) You go, girl!

This is the craziest part.

This is how America find out.

Around 9:30, when only 98 of the
435 house seats had been

called, suddenly, on fox news,
this happened:

We are now ready to make one
of the biggest calls of the


The fox news decision desk can
now project the democrats will

take control of the house of
representatives for the first

time in eight years, dealing a
major setback to president

trumps legislative agenda.

Stephen: Wait a second.

Is Trump right?

Is fox the only non-fake news?

( Laughter )
Are we in the upside down?

Is the new senate majority
leader the demigorgen?

And do we have results.

We have results.

In West Virginia, Democratic
incumbent Joe manchin has

defeated republican Patrick

( Cheers and applause )
Manchin celebrated his victory

by saying, "wait, im a

In the Tennessee race for senate

republican Marsha Blackburn
defeated democrat Phil bredesen,

despite bredesen receiving an
endorsement from Taylor swift.

I guess tay-tay didnt have that
much sway-sway.

( Laughter )
And blackburns support for the

Trump administray-stray
eventually outweigh-weighed

bredesens support for higher
teacher pay-pay, at the end of

the day-day.

Democratic rising star, New York
senator Kirsten gillibrand, has

easily won reelection to the

( Cheers and applause )
Huge turn out in New York, even

though it was raining very
heavily here in the city.

I sure hope the ink on her lawn
signs is permanent and wont get

washed... there you go.

That makes sense.

And in jerseys Senate Race,
democrat Bob menendez, who was

- indicted... (
- Cheers and applause )

Indicted for corruption and
accused of underage

prostitution, has defeated
challenger Bob hugin, proving

you cannot keep a good man down.

Or Bob menendez.

Congratulations to the devil
you know.

( Laughter )
In the Connecticut Senate Race,

incumbent Chris Murphy has
easily defeated republican

challenger Matthew Corey.

( Cheers and applause )
So Chris Murphy can get back to

focusing on the very important
work of no one knowing who he


And Rhode Island democrat
Sheldon whitehouse has defeated

republican Bob flanders.

( Cheers and applause )
I gotta tell you, this kind...

This kind of election momentum
is sure to put whitehouse on the

path to working in the senate.

( Laughter )
Of course, if hed lost, he had

a backup plan: Starring on the
new CBS show "63-year-old


This fall.

Any Vermont lefties out there,
put your bong full of maple

syrup down.

Because voters delivered a
resounding re-election victory

to Vermont senator Bernie

( Cheers and applause )
Put that back up, Jim.

Sanders easily defeated his
opponent: A comb.

( Laughter )
In the results... do we have the

results now.

Here are the numbers in the

In the final results, Bernie

(As Bernie)
"70% of the bottom 50%, while

the top .01% percent gave 30%
of their donations to .0001 of

the candidates.

Its a national disgrace.

Im honored."

( Cheers and applause )
And I am getting breaking news

of one of the most important
races in the country.

CBS news can now confirm that
Idris Elba has been named

"peoples" "sexiest man alive."

I did not see that coming.

I did not see that coming.

Did you call that?

Did we... did not see that

Its a harsh repudiation of the
incumbent, Blake Shelton, whose

victory last year sent
shockwaves through the sexy


( Laughter )
And this is exciting.

On tonights "late show," if
theres any breaking results,

CBS news will interrupt this
broadcast to bring them to you

live, okay.

In Virginia, former v.P.

Candidate Tim kaine has defeated
republican Corey Stewart.

( Applause )
Congratulations, congratulations

to senator kaine on winning an

But I do have to ask... did it
have to be this one.

And im being told that CBS has
some breaking news from


Lets go there live.

Apologies for the
interruption, Stephen, but we

have a major development that
cannot wait.

Stephen: Scott bakula?

I dont know who that is.

This special agent Dwayne pride,
reporting from NCIS: New


We have breaking news about the
body we found in the chemical

tank out by the wetlands.

Turns out it belonged to a man
named yeoman Bennett who was on

his way to an underground poker
game, run by a mysterious woman

known only as "madame scorpion."

( Laughter )
Stephen: Thats really not

the kind of breaking news this
system is for.

Do you have any actual election

Yes, Stephen.

With 100% of NCIS field agents
reporting, we are now able to

project that the city of new
Orleans has gone red...

With blood.

Back to you, Stephen.

Stephen: Thank you, agent

Turnout was huge all over the

There were long lines down in
Georgia, here in New York,

Texas, Arizona, and Ken-ducky.

Some polling places seem to have
been caught off guard by the

large crowds.

Like in fiercely contested
Georgia, where voting was halted

in one location because the
voting machines were running on

battery and the battery ran out.

Sorry, ancestors who fought and
died for our right to vote.

Alan forgot to bring a charger.

( Laughter )
"Uh, I had to charge my phone.

I was playing clash of clans."

And up in north Carolina, the
state board of elections said

humidity appears to be causing
difficulties in feeding

ballots through tabulators.

Isnt that kind of an 1890s

"We cant count the votes!

The paths too muddy for
the horses to pull the ballot

boxes up to the counting silo!"

laughter )

Even early voting, early voting
today was massive.

According to the a.P.

"Based on reports from 50
states, at least 39.4 million

people voted early," which
"exceeds the 2014 early vote."

Ahhh, the 2014 midterms feel so
long ago.

What were we even voting on back
then, whether to add blue m&ms?

Legalizing conscious uncoupling?

I cant remember.

These midterms are so huge, that
even Trump wasnt exaggerating

when he said this at his rally
last night:

You know, the midterm
elections used to be like

boring, didnt they?

Do you even remember what they

People said "midterms, they
said "what is that?

What is it?"

Now its like the hottest thing.

Stephen: Gee, I wonder why.

( Laughter ) (A

s Trump)

"I tell you, it used to be so
unpopular to run screaming out

of the pool, but as soon as I
pooped in it, its all the


( Laughter ) (

applause )

"Youre welcome.

Youre welcome.

There it goes."

Of course, it wouldnt be voting
day, if there werent millions

of people posting photos of
themselves on Instagram wearing

an "I voted" sticker.

Because in 2018, gramming an "I
voted" selfie is on fleek.

If "on fleek" is still on fleek?


Voting is bae?

( Laughter ) Its totes venmo?

Is voting "thank u next?"
Someone just tell me what to

say, because... so my mouth seems
younger than my face.

Senate majority leader Mitch
mcconell voted today, and this

guy photobombed him with (

cheers and applause )


I gotta say... could have been

Many people would have given
Mitch a different finger.

Weve got a great show for you

John heilemann and Alex Wagner
from "the circus" is here.

Plus hasan minhaj!

But when we return, more
election results right over


Stick around.

Hit it, baby.

♪ Dont step on my blue suede
shoes ♪

♪ Lets go
dont step on my blue suede

♪ you can do anything but dont

step on my shoes ♪ (

cheers and applause )

Stephen: Jon batiste and
stay human, right over there.

Come on!

Oh, my goodness.

Jon, there you go, folks.

Jon, Jon, this is exciting.

Weve got a very interesting
night going on right here.

Jon: Oh, yeah.

Stephen: Big day for
America, not just the election

because today was the final
official release date of "whose

boat is this boat?" Available in

Available in bookstores.

And im going to say marinas,

Every word of this book was said
by Donald Trump as he toured the

aftermath of a hurricane and
100% "the late shows"" profits

go to victims of hurricanes in
the carolinas, Florida, and


So go pick up your copy.

Pick up your copy.

If youve already got one, show
the world.

Tweet @colbertlateshow with the
hashtag #whosebook.

Send us a picture of you with
the book.

Include it in your family

Make it look like your cat are

Use it to balance a shaky taib.

Use it as a cutting board.


As I said before when I was over
there, were live right now.

And if you remember...

cheers and applause )

If you remember what happened on
our last live election show,

that makes one of us.

( Laughter )
The bad news that night caught

me a bit off guard, but tonight
im prepared.

I have a lovely bottle of
bourbon right here.

( Cheers and applause )
And if for any reason I need to

pormyself an emergency drink, I
can merely break glass.

I can break glass for glass.

Right here.

( Applause ) Okay.

Weve got a few more results.

Ted Cruz has held on to his
senate seat

( booing )
In Texas.

Hold on one second.

( Laughter ) (

cheers and applause )

( Laughter ) (

cheers and applause )

But, ahhh...

( Applause )
Save some of that to snort



Then again, why wouldnt Ted
Cruz win in Texas?

Because at the end of the day,
real cowboys only love three

things: Barbecue, rodeo, and
Canadians who went to Princeton

and Harvard.

So once again, Ted Cruz defeats
beto orourke.

Although, although by not being
Ted Cruz, beto still a winner.

( Cheers and applause )

Was this excreted by an angel?

( Laughter )
With Ted Cruz holding his seat,

this means Republicans have
officially kept control of the

U.S. senate and to celebrate,
Republicans are deporting

immigrants via confetti Cannon.

This news is sure to bring a
smile comitch mcconnells


( Laughter ) (

applause )

Meanwhile, in mcconnells home
state of Kentucky, antigay

marriage county clerk Kim Davis
lost her re-election.

( Cheers and applause )
All this time, all this time she

was worried about gay people
getting married when she should

have been worried about them

Now, Davis lost to a man named
biellwood cawdell Jr., and in

north daek, republican Kevin
cramer has defeated Heidi


This was an expected loss for
height camp, despite the

democrat capturing all of north
daeks black vote, Todd.

Jon: Oh, yeah, Todd.

Do we have this.

Stephen: Do you know Todd?

Jon: Yeah, I know Todd.

Stephen: Is he a good guy?

Jon: Yeah, hes a good guy.

Stephen: He must be lonely.

In the Minnesota Senate Race,
Tina Smith has defeated

republican Karen housley.

( Cheers and applause )
So this... can we call this... the

Minnesota senators will remain
Amy klobuchar and Tina Smith,

the most famous aimy and Tina
combo in the history of the


( Applause )
In Floridas race for governor,

republican Ron desantis has
defeated Tallahassee mayor

Andrew gillum.

Its a tough loss.

Gillum would have been Floridas
first black governor.

But instead desantis is
Floridas historic 46th

white governor.

The streak continues.

And in Kansas, a big win for
democrats as Lara Kelly has

decreted grand imperial vote
depressor kris kobach.

Coback, you may remember, is the
guy who Trump put in charge of

finding those three million
illegal voters.

So good news, kris.

Youll have plenty of time to
look for them now.

Meanwhile, ought on the west
coast, if the democrats can pull

off... do we have this?

Im told we have more breaking
news from CBS.

Hello, Stephen.

This is N.Y.P.D. Detective Danny

I have some breaking news.

With 100% of my family of police
officers reporting, we are now

able to project that New York
has gone blue with blood.

Blue blood.

Fridays on CBS.

Back to you, Stephen.

Stephen: Thank you, Danny.

Of course, Trump has been
rallying hard to get out the


And last night, he made his
closing argument... namely, that

if the Republicans lose the
house, its not his fault.

Im not on the ticket...
Although they want to put me on

the ticket.

I will say this... if we dont do
so well tomorrow, they will put

me on the ticket.

If we do great tomorrow, they
will say, "he had nothing to do

with it.

He was not on the ticket."

Stephen: That is the sign
of a true leader.

He reminds me of my favorite
quote from "braveheart," they

may take our lives but they will
never take our freedom.

Also, if they take our lives, I
was never here!"

Mel is so good in that.

( Cheers and applause )
Mel is so good in that.

Trump was willing to try
anything to get votes.

The democrat plan would
obliterate obamacare.

Stephen: What the hell is
going on?

( Laughter )
Is Trump advocating for

obamacare now?

Am I finally losing my mind?

"The democrats want to destroy
beautiful obamacare.

Also, did you know, I was born
in Kenya?


A lot of people dont know that.

I dont get credit for that

But the president was not the
only one trying to get out the


So was the first lady who
tweeted... whatever this is:

Someone actually sat down and
made that.

( Laughter )
And I think they made that by

sitting on their phone.

Now, this... this is... is this

This happened.

This is huge.

A ballot measure has passed in
Florida which restores voting

rights to more than one million
former felons.

( Cheers and applause )
That is... thats huge.

It restores voting rights to one
million former felons as opposed

to Floridas existing rule,
which gives voting rights to

future felons.

One race... I have to take a
minute to call here... in

virginias fifth district,
riggleman beats kochburn.

I know nothing about the race,
nor do I care, but we live on

CBS, and I get to say the words
"riggleman" and "kochburn."

One can only hope.

( Applause )
One can only hope they put aside

their differences and find
romance because I already know

their celebrity couple name,

Weve got a hard break coming

I can see that?

Before we go, I just... I want to
let all of our viewers out there

know California, Delaware,
Montana... and im just naming

states... south Carolina, Utah...
This is a surprise... west

Virginia is still a state.

And well be back with more on
tonights results with the stars

of showtimes "the circus," John
heilemann, Alex Wagner.

Wisconsin, north Dakota.





( Applause )
Stephen: Hey!

Thank you, Jon.

My first guests have been
travelling the country for

months while covering the

Im happy they could join us
here tonight.

From showtimes "the circus,"
please welcome John heilemann

and Alex Wagner!

♪ Three to get ready, go, dont
step on my blue suede shoes ♪

( Applause )
Stephen: Welcome back.

( Cheers and applause ).

Thank you.

Stephen: Welcome back.

Thank you.

Stephen: Would anyone else
care for a cocktail?

Or 17.

Stephen: Oh, 17.

Actually, I have something to
say about that.

Stephen: What do you have
to say about that?

The last time I was here two
years ago, it was bad.

Stephen: Yeah, I... yes,
yes, I believe the term "not

since the civil war" was thrown
around pretty casually.

I was actually thinking about
the most traumatic moment on

television from "the aprentice"
when Rob blagojevich was on.

I thought tonight things might
get worse.

They told me I couldnt bring my
whole suitcase of contraband,

but I did bring a bottle.

Stephen: A bottle.

This is from 2016.

You can have that back.

Stephen: Were live.

Is this live TV?

Youre welcome.

Stephen: I also have black
cove if anybody would like some

black coffee.

All right.

Or everything.

Stephen: Here we go.

Lets break downtown results a
little bit, you two.

It was kind of going as


Stephen: What was the
expectation going in, Alex?

I can just say one word about
the expectations?

Stephen: Sure.

The idea that democrats are
taking back the house is a


In 20... and I think...

cheers and applause )

There is a sense because the
Republicans are going to hold on

to the senate that somehow
democrats didnt perform.

In 2010, Republicans
gerrymandered the national map

to a degree that was
unprecedented in history.

The fact the democrats have won
back the house is massive.

It could not have happened
unless circumstances are... were

what they are today.

But it is historic.

This victory is a big one for

And they should own that.

( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: You guys may know

this... there you go, young man.

You guys may know this better
than I, but I read before I came

out here there is an estimate
the democrats probably took the

popular vote for the house by

Which you have to do now
because of the maps.

Stephen: Maybe 35 seats,
something like that, is what im


They need 23.

It looks theyre gog get around

Is that a wave?

Well, look, its not a Tsunami.

I think its not impossible...
They could end up in the 40s.

There are still, I think, 20
competitive seats out there...

Stephen: California, or,
Oregon... all on the west coast.

Its not a Tsunami but its
not a puddle.

Its a pretty big deal, right?

Its a pretty big deal.

It will give them a functional

Its not like where if they lose
a couple of votes they will be

in trouble.

They will have enough of a Marge
town maybe, occasionally, get

things done.

But I think a lot of democrats
will make Donald Trump and his

cabinets life miserable.

( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Because...

The... the... when we talk
about waves and the size of

them, we tend to be talking
about one shade which, is it a

blue wave?

One color it is.

The wave is pink because the 23
seats... the 23 seats that the

democrats have flipped, 15 of
those are female candidates.

( Cheers and applause )
And that is a big deal.

Stephen: Thats fantastic.

That is a big deal.

Stephen: But now the... now
the democrats get the

chairmanships of the committees.


Stephen: And now... Adam
schiff, head of intelligence

House intelligence committee.

Stephen: He gets a rusty
hacksaw to just start sawing

open the White House and start
asking them questions now,


I think the advice to
everyone in the White House if

they havent already is lawyer

- Because... (
- Cheers and applause )

There will be a lot of legal
wrangling on capitol hill in the

next several months.

Stephen: Any surprises

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I think... well, I dont
know... this goes back to alexs


I think a lot of democrats...
And this is why a lot of

democrats are going to wake up
tomorrow and not heed the wise

words of Alex Wagner that
winning the house is a huge

biele diehl.

Because of the way the national
media works and the way

democrats like to invest their
hearts and souls in big

characters, the marquee races...
Beto orourke in Texas, Andrew

gillum in Florida, and Stacey
Abrams if Georgia... theyve lost

two of those, and the Abrams
race is not going her way.

I think there are a lot of
democrats who are going to wake

up tomorrow, again, who looked
at those three, and they were

big characters and they were
promising something new exwfs

unabarbed liberalism,
progressive, trying to build a

new coalition to do historic

Stephen: In the south.

In the south.

And if they all three lose, I
think a lot of democrats are

going to wake up not feeling as
good as they should feel about

the house because those
candidates who they thought as

of last night they could win all

I spent a lot of time in
Florida, and I gotta say, the

fact that Andrew gillum lost is

But theres something else that
happened in Florida...

Stephen: You really thought
he was going to win.

He had crowds.

He this enthusiasm.

He had everything that you would
think would lead to a victory.

But something else happened
tonight in Florida which could

change Andrew gillums chances
if he decides to run again and

thats the passage of amendment
four, which means 1.5 million

felons in... felons who have
served time in Florida have been

restored the right to vote.

That means 18% of black people
in Florida cannot vote because

of the current prohibitions on
felons who have served time


Stephen: 1.5 million is
bigger than a lot of states.


And in Florida where the margins
are that thin, if Andrew gillum

ran in four years, he might win.

Stephen: Was that a
partisan issue?

Was, like, democrats were in
favor, and Republicans were


Or were both parties in favor of

Surprisingly it passed with I
think over 60% of the vote.

There was more bipartisan accord
on that than who should lead the


Its good news for me because
im planning to retire in

Florida, and now ill be able to

( Laughter ).

Stephen: Well...

( Laughter )
In hindsight, what were some of

the sort of strategic triumphs
or missteps of tonight, or

things that you, the Republicans
or democrats should have done

differently over the past 1500
years of this race?

( Laughter )
I think theres going to be

actually an interesting debate
in the republican party over the

way Trump closed, right.

I mean, we saw, over this
weekend, Paul Ryan and others

were begging Trump to stop
talking about the car expran

about immigration and these kind
of racist, xenophobic appears

that he was making that everyone
was calling out.

They wanted him to talk about
the economy.

You noticed yesterday, he
finally in the last closing

hours was like, "the economy,
very good."

And then back to... back to
racism and xenophobia, on stage

with Sean hannity and Jean

But I do actually think for a
lot of those, Trump decided to

win the senate, and he
sacrificed on the altar of that,

all of those moderate house
members who wanted him to talk

about the economy, not to talk
about this other stuff.

But that was a big strategic
choice Trump made.

It worked out well apparently in
the senate, and thats what

Trump will trumpet tomorrow.

It didnt work out well at all
in the house.

Stephen: We have one more
result, shortly before you game

out here.

In Missouri, Claire mccaskill
has lost to Josh hawley.

And he was extremely loyal to


Stephen: He actually sold
himself as, like, the ultimate

Trump loyalist, which means
Trump will soon betray him way

porn star.

( Laughter ) ♪ ♪

But that... that helped in
certain parts of the country.

Some people ran away from Trump.

But the... in the senate, if you
hugged him closer, it worked.

Let us be very clear about
what has happened to the

republican party in the wake of

Its not over, right.

The votes are still being

But the moderates in the
republican party have largely

been vanquished by democrats in
the house.

The Republicans who are left in
the senate are... they have

pledged their fealty to Donald

And so in effect, while the
democrats have won the house,

the republican party is now more
than ever the party of Donald


Because those that are left in
the party are the true

believers, are the people that
have said, "im setting aside

whatever reservations I may have
about you.

Youre my leader."

This is his party now.

In many ways, the g.O.P. Has
gotten more extreme as of


Stephen: And as these
investigations go forward,

theyre going to have to circle
the wagons around their leader.


And they will.

I think Trump wakes up tomorrow
and says, "I campaigned on

racism, xenophobe yark fear of
the other, paranoia, all that


And my its punishment I
suffered was I got an enhanced

majority in the senate, and the
two black candidates who

everybody cared about lost."

I mean, for him I think you head
into 2020...

Stephen: Its vindication.

Hes going to be campaigning
on, like the ebola caravan.

Stephen: Were live so we
have to go on a hard break here.

I hope you stay around and well
wrap this up.

"The circus" airs Sundays on

John heilemann and Alex Wagner,

Well be right back with hasan

( Cheers and applause )

( Applause ) ♪ ♪

Stephen: Hey, everybody!

Welcome back.

Oh, folks, my next guest is a
former "the daily show"

correspondent whose new series
"patriot act" is now on Netflix.

Please welcome hasan minhaj!

( Applause ) ♪ ♪

Stephen: Yeah!


Stephen: Yeah!

Live, man!

Stephen: Nice to see you.

Good to see you.

Stephen: Welcome to the
live show, live midterm show.


Stephen: Did you vote


Stephen: Where is your


I did absentee.

Stephen: You dont get a
sticker for absentee.

Thats the new democracy, you
got your vaccine sticker.

You got your shots.

You dont do alcohol, right?

No, I cant drink on camera.

Stephen: I have a little
sparkling... sparkling cider

right there.

There you go.

Internet, you see this, apple

Stephen: Cheers, cheers.

There you go.

Thank you.

( Cheers and applause )
Thank you.

Stephen: Big... youre
young, right?

( Laughter ) Youre young.

You look fresh.


Stephen: You look...
Thank you.

Stephen: You look young.

How old are you?

Im 33 years old.

Stephen: Thats young.


Stephen: Thats young.

Im in my late 30s.

Yeah, okay.

Stephen: Extremely late

I was talking earlier, is voting

I would say its lit.

Stephen: Votings lit?

Sure, its lit.

Young people...
Isnt it lit?

I would say its lit.

Its popping.

Stephen: Speak for all
young people, will you?


Stephen: Are you prepared?

Hit me.

Stephen: Beto lost.


Stephen: Very popular all
across the United States.


Stephen: Really motivate
aid lot of young voters?


Stephen: Voter turnout
between 18 and 30 was New Jersey


Sad he lost?

I am sad that he lost.

But actually it isnt a partisan

Im just eye looked at the

He had all of black excellence
backing him, Beyonce, Travis

Scott... thats weird to put
Travis next to... Travis Scott,

LeBron James.

LeBron James had a beto hat on
during a San Antonio spurs game.

Do you understand how crazy that

The greatest basketball player
living right now was wearing a

Senate Race hat in San Antonio.

Thats as boring as it gets.

And he still couldnt win.

Stephen: And Willie Nelson.


Thats like if I got an
endorsement from Stephen

Colbert, Jon Stewart, Seth
Myers, Samantha bee, John

Oliver, Jay leno, and the ghost
of Johnny Carson, and I still

got canceled.

( Laughter )
And then, they gave the show to

Ted Cruz.

( Laughter )
Thats what it would... you know

how much juice that is!

Stephen: Well, you will not
be, because the show is great.

"Patriot act," your new show.

Thank you (

applause ).

Stephen: It delves into
topical issues.


Stephen: As many of us
alums of "the daily show" do.


Stephen: But yours is

You dont do a lot of Donald
Trump pup dont actually talk

about Donald Trump.


Stephen: Isnt it, like,
the seventh amendment that

"daily show"" alums have to talk
about Donald Trump.

I treat it like... you know
the character in addition want

Harry Potter book and a lot
dont mention lord vold mer.

But a lot of people in late
night are saying we have to say

the "v" word.

For me he is the man who shall
not be named.

I know he exists, but I do not
want to give him attention.

( Applause ).

Stephen: No free rides.


Totally, yeah.

Stephen: On the minhaj


Stephen: What do you call



Stephen: 45, okay.

Sometimes when I want to mess
around with the writers, I go,

Mr. Two terms."

And theyre like, "no!

Aarrgghh!" and im like mart

Stephen: What do you focus

Fun stuff, like affirmative
action or Saudi Arabia.

Stephen: Sure.

Its really...
Stephen: Thats a laugh a

minute, Saudi Arabia.

Really, really exciting
stuff, yeah.

Stephen: Do you do
down-ballot issues like... are

you excited about people being
restored their franchise in


Those kinds of issues.

Sort of stuff like that... we
did a big thing on... you know,

obviously, there are the major
leagues which are the big sexy

things, like the betos.

And I say the dont forget about
the down-ballot stuff.

Your modesto nuts.

Your minor league issue s.

Stephen: So how many... how
many episodes are you doing for

Netflix this season?

We are doing on our first
cycle seven, but we have 32


Stephen: So, like, six and
a half weeks.

Were not going to do them

Were going to do them in
batches, which will be fun.

Stephen: Okay.


( Laughter ).

I dont know what that
assessment gleens I do 202 a


I was just curious how many...

Oh, got tokay.

To be fair... to be fair,
Stephen, I dont know if youve

seen the show, its pretee its
pretty incredible.

Theres no desk.

Its just all...
Stephen: No deck.

No its all screens.

Its like being at a Drake
concert but youre learning.

Its crazy.

If you have been to an edm

Stephen: I have never been
ive never been to one.

And you thought, what if I
could learn it tax reform right


Stephen: While I was
dropping Mollie.


Thats "patriot act."

Stephen: Trump obsessed
about immigration.


Stephen: Especially fear
mongering about immigrants.

Youre a child of immigrants.

Should Americans be afraid of

Totally, yes, 100,000%, yes.

Stephen: Should why we be

You have to understand, there
are the people on the caravan...

We have a whatap going.

Stephen: You have friends
on the caravan?

Yeah, totally.

Stephen: I get that, I get

Its a melanin d.M.


Whats going on over there?

Its pretty crazy.

Do you want to come?

Yeah, we should come.

But for a lot of immigrants, if
you think about it, theres a

lot of families, children.

Theyre going... these immigrant
families are going to come here.

These parents are gog have high
expectations of their kids.

Theyre going to have to live
the American dream.

What if they grow up and theyre
supposed to do med, and then do

stand movie up comedy for 14
years, their parents continue to

get disappointed and they
finally get a late-night show,

and out of 37 late-night hosts
they happen to be the first

late-night host with brown

It would be crazy.

I was about to say the "f" word,
but im not going to do that.

It would be nuts.

So of course people should be
afraid of immigrants.

Stephen: By "people" you
mean me?

Yeah, were stealing jobs.

Slowly but surely.

"Patriot act" is on Netflix now.

Hasan minhaj everybody!

Well be right back with more
election coverage.

Stick around.

( Applause )
Stephen: Thank you, Jon!

All right, folks, welcome back.

Welcome back.

Check your calendars here.

Were going a little bit long
tonight, but we are back with

Alex Wagner, John heilemann, and
hasan minhaj.

A little wrap-up of the evening.

Before... before we go any
further, just down in Florida,

weve also found out bill Nelson
has defeated... no, nope.

No, no!

Bill Nelson was defeated by
Rick Scott.

Oh, man!

Stephen: Sorry!


The red card.

I gotta saber the red card was
the hint.

Sorry, sorry.

Bill Nelson was defeated.

Its "la la land."

Stephen: Most people have
gone to bed at this point.

Do we have a photo of Rick Scott
here celebrating?

Heres a photo of him shoakdz by
the news or happy or hungry.

Its hard to tell.

It hammered home what we already
knew, house for the democrats,

senate for the Republicans.

And Florida is a weird state.

Stephen: And Florida is a
weird state.

So... so whats it mean for

I feel like we still call
this place the United States of

America, but right now is really
does feel... pardon the cliche...

Like the divided state of

The division that already
existed is going to get steeper.

And if possible, the road ahead
may be even uglier than it has

been thus far.

In a few weeks, months, Robert
Mueller is going to be dropping

his report.

And if there is any comedy on
capitol hill, that will vanish

as soon as there are... there is
evidence, investigative evidence

of wrong... potential wrongdoing,
collusion, criminal behavior.

We dont know.

Stephen: If evidence of
wrongdoing, collusion or

criminal behavior by the Trump
administration means no comedy

on capitol hill, dont worry,
well have it all here.

- ( Laughter ) (
- Applause ).

Stephen: It will be fine.

But... but is this... is this... is
the house in one hand, the

senate in the other, is this
just sort of the carbunkle of

the divided American populous
coming to a head right now?

Its the division made visible.

Do Americans want this?

Do we want a divided government,
do you think?

Are we so afraid of each other
that we dont want anything to


Wed is rather have nothing than
something go wrong?

I dont know about that.

I certainly think... we have had
divided governments in our

history, but right now, what was
driving what happened in the

house were a bunch of people who
were like, "Donald Trump need to

have"... I dont want to say
guardrails, needs to be wrapped

in swaddling of some kind.

Hes... there are a lot of people
who think Trump needs a balance,

a counter-balance.

I dont think its people dont
want to get anything done.

I think its more a bunch of
people are worried about what

Trump can do, would do, will do,
has tried to do with no


Stephen: Is... is... do you
think that the democrats being

able to investigate the white
house going to be part of issue

of the 2020 race?

Is the 2020 race happening...
Does it start right now?


It started about an hour ago.

Yeah, 47 minutes ago.

Corey booker just touched
down in des moines.

( Laughter )
Elizabeth Warren is doing a

listening tour in New Hampshire.

And Michael avenatti is
setting up a long bus swing with

stormy Daniels through... through
the deeper provinces of


Stephen: But does it really
start tonight?




Yeah, for sure.

Maybe not tonight.

Tomorrow morning.

I mean its not... in the finest
tradition, back in 2008, when

Barack Obama decided to run for
president, he had a meeting the

day after the midterms and
looked up and took the measure

of the midterms, sat down with
David axelrod and say we have to

go do this.

The guys running for president...
There were a lot.

That band, this audience,
everybody up here times three is

the number of people running for
the Democratic nomination.

A lot of them have been thinking
about it now for last year, year

and a half... really for two

Theyve been waiting to see what
was going to happen today, and

theyre going to be... there will
be people in the New Hampshire

in the next... before
Thanksgiving, filing.

Some of them were actually
already on the campaign trail

under the auspices of the

Kamala Harris, Bernie Sanders,
Elizabeth Warren, core booker,

they were all out there.

That was testing.

Stephen: Two years ago as I
sat at this very desk and talked

to you, John bwhat had happened.

It felt sort of hopeless Hassan.


Stephen: As a fresh eye to
covering politics live, do you

have any hope?

Does tonight give you some hope?

I felt a lot of hope.

We had two female Muslim members
of congress.

That happened for the first

Two native American members of

( Applause )
The first openly gay governor.

Thats huge.

I think thats definitely a

If this Mueller mix tape is
going to drop, ive been waiting

for it.

Stephen: I want it by
Friday because I have big plans

for the weekend, and I have a
brand new bottle of rye thanks

to John heilemann.

Weve got to go.

Alex Wagner, John heilemann,
hasan minhaj, thank you for

being here, everybody.

Well be right back.

Dont go away!

Thats it for the late show!

Tune in tomorrow when Chris
pine other major Garrett, and

Trump the insult comic dog.

Good night!