The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - The Late Show with Stephen Colbert - full transcript

Ellen Page (Freeheld (2015)); Jesse Eisenberg (Louder Than Bombs (2015)); inventor/designer Dominic Wilcox.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
British prime minister
Theresa may is facing a

political crisis over brexit.

We will leave the e.U. In a
smooth and orderly way on the 29

of march, 2019.

( Laughter )
Nothing short of political


♪ ♪ (

gunshot )

007, we need you now more
than ever.

Whats the assignment, m?

International terrorism?

Rogue agent?

Stolen nuclear launch codes?

We need you to fix this
brexit thing!

Ahh... im sorry, what...
Whats happening?

You know, the brexit thing!

Utter chaos!

Secretaries resigned, cabinet
members have quit, there are

calls for a vote of no

Its a bloody fiasco!


I quit.


Youre on your own.

Moneypenny and I are going to
open up a quiznos franchise.

Bond, your country needs you!

Sorry, quiznos awaits.

Mmmm... toasty.

Its "the late show with
Stephen Colbert."

Tonight, new kids in the house.

Plus, Stephen welcomes
timothee chalamet

and comedian Graham Kay.

And a special appearance by
supreme court justice Sonia


Featuring Jon batiste and stay

And now, live on tape from the
ed Sullivan theater in New York

city, its Stephen Colbert!

( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Wooo!

Come on!

Hey, come on!

Right over there!

Side arm.

Jon, oh, man, I need the warmth.

Its a little chilly.

( Applause )
Stephen: Thanks, everybody!

Sit down!

Sit dune!


Come on!

This is an... this is an amazing
audience right here.

This is an incredible audience
right here.

You know why theyre so happy?

This audience is happy they
werent last nights audience

standing in that snow all night,

Though that was a good audience,

That was a good audience, too.

Welcome to "the late show,"

Im your host, Stephen Colbert.

It is Friday!

Im your host, Stephen Colbert.


What a week.

Its a new reality.

Democrats are in control of th
house of representatives.

( Cheers and applause )
And this week, newly elected

representatives were in
Washington for congress

freshman orientation.

Its just like college freshman
orientation, only in congress,

the seniors are actual seniors.

( Laughter )
Now, as part of orientation,

congress put out a flier with
pictures of all the new faces

from both parties.

See if you can spot the

Heres the new democrats: A
diverse group, looking like a

cross-section of America.

( Cheers and applause )
And here are the Republicans:

Also diverse, a rainbow from
beige to eggshell.

( Laughter )
Now, no congressional freshman

out there seems to be enjoying
themselves as much as incoming

New York congresswoman and
reason youre cheering so loud

you cant hear what im saying,
Alexandria ocasio-Cortez.

Shes been posting Instagram
stories of her first experiences

in congress, including this one
where she says, "welcome to


( Laughter ) Shes right.

Shes nailed that.

Congress is like Hogwarts.

Just beware of the ancient
wizard mccoldemort.

Laugh meanwhile, meanwhile... im
not afraid to say his name.

Meanwhile, after the midterms,
Trump has mysteriously stopped

talking about what was once the
greatest threat to America, the


♪ ♪
I came out... I came out pointing

the wrong way.

( Applause )
But theres one group that cant

forget about it: Its the 5,900
troops recently deployed to the

U.S.-Mexico border by president

(As Trump):"

Wait, they really went?

Thats hilarious!

I was just (bleep) With you."

And the conditions for those
serving at the border are really

not great: Theres "little
electricity, no combat pay," and

the troops will be on the border
over Thanksgiving.

So trumps extended the family
separation to the troops.

This was obviously just a
political stunt for the


Before the election, trumps
military deployment to the

border was called "operation
faithful patriot."

But recently, a Pentagon
spokesman said that "we are no

longer calling it operation
faithful patriot.

We are referring to it as
border support."

You cant drop the cool

The next "fast and furious"
movie cant star Dwayne "the

guy" Johnson.

But on Wednesday... Wednesday?

On Wednesday, the troops
received a visit from defense

secretary and father-in-law
watching you mow his lawn,

James mattis.

( Laughter )
And on his way to the border,

mattis conceded that the mission
was a little vague.

At the present, I do not
anticipate military personnel

coming into direct contact with

Stephen: Yeah, cause fun
fact: The vast majority of the

migrants are more than 1,000
miles away still.

The troops are down there for no

Its like if Paul revere went
through the streets shouting,

"the no one is coming!

The no one is coming!

Why am I yelling on my horse in
the middle of the night?

- Oh, god, I need mental help!" (
- Cheers and applause )

♪ ♪

- Meanwhile, in board game news (
- laughter )

Thats right.

There is some.

Monopoly is trying to win
younger players with a new

edition... and this is real...
Called "monopoly for

millennials," which they
market with the snarky tagline,

"forget real estate.

You cant afford it anyway."

- ( Laughter ) (
- Applause )

Jon: Wow!

Stephen: Wow!

That is cold.

Jon: Yeah, thats cold.

Stephen: Ice cold.

Come on, monopoly!

Games are where people go to
escape reality.

If we wanted realism in our
board games, wed have "your

insurance doesnt cover that
operation," and "clue 2018,"

where its obvious who committed
the crime, but somehow theyre

still president anyway.

In this version, the monopoly
man is taking a selfie while

listening to his earbuds,
drinking a latte, and wearing

cool shades, and a participation

Youre got to hand it to them.

That is a perfect portrait of an
entire generation of old people

who have no idea what
millennials are like.

( Laughter ) (

applause )

Jon: Now, youre talking.

( Cheers and applause )
Now youre talking.

♪ ♪
Stephen: I tell you, I did

not anticipate there being a
story after the Paul revere one,

because I am exhausted now.

And millennial monopoly really
doubles down on dissing the


Instead of collecting money,
players collect experience

points by visiting the hottest
destinations: From your

friends couch, to the vegan
bistro, to a week-long

meditation retreat."

Notice that millennial
monopolys list of fun

experiences does not include
"playing millennial monopoly."

( Laughter ) (

applause )

Millennial monopoly.

Millennial monopoly.

But I guess this lack of
understanding towards younger

generations shouldnt come as a
surprise, since this is the same

company that brought us... and
this is real... "Fortnite


Its all the fun of the video
game, minus all the fun of the

video game.

( Laughter )
Weve got a great show for you


Timothee chalamet is here.

But when I return, ill argue my
case to none other than supreme

court justice Sonia sotomayor.

Stick around!

♪ ♪ (

applause )

( Band playing ) (

cheers and applause )

Stephen: Jon batiste and
stay human, everybody!

Jon, happy Friday.

Jon: Happy Friday!

Were in the zone!

Stephen: Come on.

You can feel the Friday.

Jon: The Friday zone!

Stephen: Theres so much
Friday here theyre sponging up

the Friday here.

You know what im excited about
this weekend, Jon.

Im excited about the book
"whose boat is this boat?," that

were selling out there all
around the country for people

affected by the hurricanes in
north Carolina and Georgia.

Yesterday we found out number
one "New York times" bestsaler

right here.

Jon: Number one, thats

Stephen: Number one

But they got us on this "advice,
how-to, and miscellaneous" list

right here.

And I think "miscellaneous,"
thats anything.

Miscellaneous could be anything.

Not only is it the number one
book, I think its the number

one electrical appliance right
now in America.

Because "miscellaneous" means

You cant take that back.

Thats "the New York times."

Or is "the New York times"

Thats what I want to know.

If were not the number one
appliance, thats fake news.

All right.

Somebody owes the president an

And it aint me.

Folks, the supreme court was in
the news last week again.

We learned that justice ginsburg
was recovering after a fall.

Shes back at work, and im not
surprised because I know her


Earlier this year, I worked out
with r.B.G.

So, I was delighted when another
supreme court justice, Sonia

sotomayor, agreed to sit down
with me.

( Applause ) Amazing.

Second or third time.

Ive talked with her before.

Shes amazing.

People love Sonia.

She has an inspiring life story
which she tells in two new

childrens books: "Turning
pages" and "the beloved world of

Sonia sotomayor."

And I recently sat down with
justice Sonia sotomayor.

In our nations capital.

Stephen: The supreme court
of the United States.

In just a moment, ill be
sitting down with justice Sonia

sotomayor, over there, at the
library of congress.

They wouldnt let me film in

Im not entirely sure why.

But, thats nice, too.

Justice, thank you so much for
talking to me today.

Its so wonderful to see you
again, Stephen.

Stephen: Whats been going
on in the supreme court lately?

I havent heard much.

Anything... anything exciting

Just read the newspapers.

Stephen: But whats the hot

Whos a diva over there?

We all are.

( Laughter ).

Stephen: Congratulations on
not one but two new books.

Got them here.

"Whose boat is this boat?."

Im sorry...
That ones not mine.

Stephen: Thats not... no,
this is mine.

Im sorry.

I apologize.

Can we...
"Whose boat..."

I dont know why we have two
copies of this.

I apologize.


Stephen: "Turning pages."

Thats mine.

Stephen: What I like about
this is not only is it the name

of your book, but it also... its
an instruction on how to read a


Well, its for kids four to
eight years old, so that helps,

doesnt it?

Stephen: I havent had a
chance to read the book yet,

Stephen, it will take you ten


Stephen: Lets go through it.


Stephen: Its got fantastic

What message do you want kids to
get from this book?

Well, my success in life has
happened because of words and


Reading is what changed the
circumstances of my life around

and let me become a supreme
court justice.

And that is what the message of
this book is.

Stephen: Now this is a fairly
unrealistic drawing.


Stephen: I believe you can

I dont.

Stephen: They must give you
some sort of superpowers when

you become a member of the
supreme court.

Not really.

Stephen: We dont know
anything you folks do in there.

Its all closed off.

Theres no cameras.

You can come visit.

Stephen: Its like a temple
in there.

You can come visit the
supreme court any time you want.

Stephen: And can we see what
you guys are doing back in the


Well, no.

Stephen: We dont know whats
going on.

Its a secret society.

I dont know what youre
doing in your office.

Stephen: Oh, you can come
anytime you want.

But you can come, and if I
want to see you.

Stephen: Sure.

No, you can go to
stephencolbert. Org, and im

live-streaming my office at all

Is that true?

Stephen: Hey, Jimmy, lets
cut to the live-stream right


Hold on.

♪ You spin me right round, baby,
right round,

♪ like a record baby
Stephen: All right.

Have you ever committed a crime?


Stephen: Steal a candy bar or
anything as a child?


Stephen: No?

But I did take a quarter from
a telephone... a public

Stephen: What?

In my life, yeah.

Stephen: A public telephone?


Stephen: Thats interstate
commerce, because thats long-

distance calls on those.

I know.

Stephen: Thats a federal


You know, its only a quarter,
but little things lead to big


Thats exactly right.

Stephen: Thats a gateway

Thankfully, the statute of
limitations has passed.

Stephen: Hold on one second.

Lets get a lawyer on that,

Probably most citizens at
some point in their life who

drive have gone over the speed

Stephen: I have not.

Thats a crime, too.

Stephen: I have never.

Youve never gone... Stephen?

Stephen: Ive never gone...
Youre catholic, arent you?

Yes, im a catholic.

Dominus vobiscum.

Uh-huh, and you know youre
not supposed to lie.

Stephen: I... I do.

I... I know im not supposed
to lie.

Tell me that youve never
gone over the speed limit.

Stephen: I would like to
invoke my fifth amendment right

against self-incrimination.

( Laughter )
Now, you have another book.

You have another book...
I have.

Stephen:... for slightly older

Middle school children.

Stephen: Its called "the
beloved world of Sonia


Its a nice title.

Could I improve it slightly
for you?

Go ahead.

Stephen: "The world of the
beloved Sonia sotomayor."

Oh, thats very sweet of you,

Stephen: You seem nice.

Im sorry you have to live in

You write that when you were a
child, you used books to escape



Stephen: What do you use to
escape sadness as an adult?

I love playing poker, so I

Stephen: Really?

Poker with friends.

Stephen: And do you ever play
for just, like, small stakes, or

anything like that?

Just a little family...
Pretty much almost always

small stakes.

Stephen: Small stakes.

Its still illegal to
gamble for small stakes, just...

No, because I provide...
Stephen: Its not illegal in


I provide the food.

The players around my table are
just paying for their own food.

Stephen: That is legalese if
I ever heard it.

Come on, thats never going to
hold up in a court.

Why not?

Stephen: Get a lawyer in

Why not?

Stephen: Youre... youre
running... youre running a

gambling den.

Absolutely not.

Stephen: How do we know that
youre in charge?

ID like to see some receipts,

Oh, thats easy for me to
give you.

Stephen: Okay, stealing
quarters to feed your gambling


All right, okay.

You spend a lot of your day
making big calls, all right?

Theres no bigger calls than
deciding what the constitution

will allow.

ID like you to use your
judicial acumen right now to

make some very quick, very small


Stephen: Justice sotomayor,
do all dogs go to heaven?


Stephen: Is it okay to talk
a penny if you never leave a



Stephen: Is it ever okay to
microwave fish?


Stephen: If theres something
strange in your neighborhood,

who you gonna call?

If theres something strange
in my neighborhood...

Stephen: Neighborhood.

If you mean "strange" by
dangerous for myself or others,

I would call...
Stephen: Possibly.

The police.

Stephen: Possibly, but what
if it was spooky?

What if it was something spooky
or otherworldly?

Something strange in your

Who you gonna call?

That didnt pose me an... pose
any danger to me.

Stephen: It could pose a
danger to you if...

Then I still might call the

Stephen: Okay, what if the
police couldnt handle this

particular danger?

Perhaps if it was an ethereal or
spiritual danger?

Perhaps there were...

Stephen: Ghosts.

Who... who you gonna call?

Oh, thats a fascinating

Stephen: All of mine are.

And the... and most of them

Who would I call?

Stephen: Who would you call?

ID go get the police for sure.

Stephen: Judges?

Oh, youre the judge.

Im sorry.

We already have a ruling from
one of your colleagues, Ruth

bader ginsburg, on this, perhaps
one of the most divisive issues

in America today.

But I want to pose it to you to
see if we have a concurrence.

Justice sotomayor, is a hot dog
a sandwich?

This is not fair, cause I
watched her interview with you.

And she asked...
Stephen: Well, I mean, surely

you see other peoples oral

Perhaps... perhaps you can render
your own judgments.

Or are you so influenced by Ruth
bader ginsburg that you cant

have your own opinion, madame
justice, as no one calls you?

Well, I can approach the
problem in a different way than

she did.

Stephen: All right.

All right, my definition of
sandwich is something between

two parts of a bread, or two
slices of a bread.

And under that definition, a hot
dog can be, because whether the

breads are tied together or not
is irrelevant.

So I would answer yes, under
those... under that definition.

Stephen: So youre willing
to say hot dog is a sandwich.

And, by the way, I love hot

Stephen: Justice, thank you
so much for talking to me today.



( Applause )
Stephen: Room temperature.

( Laughter )
Stephen: Both her books are

available now.

Thank you, justice sotomayor!

Well be right back with
timothee chalamet!

( Band playing ) (

cheers and applause )

Stephen: Hey, everybody,
welcome back to the show.

Folks, my first guest is an
Oscar-nominated actor you know

from "call me by your name" and
"lady bird."

His new film is "beautiful boy."

Please welcome, timothee

♪ ♪ (

applause )

Stephen: Please!


Maestro chalamet, please have a

Nice to meet you.

Thank you for having me.

Stephen: Last year was an
enormous year for you.

Thank you.

"Call me by your name," "lady
bird," two beautiful films, two

beautiful performances.

Do... I assume that people stop
on the street and tell you how

much they like your work.


Sometimes, sometimes.

Stephen: Can you... can you
tell when a fan is coming

towards you whether its going
to be for one of those movies or

the other?

Yes, I can.

Stephen: Whats the...
Whats the tell?

Whats the tell?

I dont know.

Stephen: Lets say someone
from "call me by your name" is


Well, it will be much purer,
like, its much more... I dont


Theres no... if its for "lady
bird," sometimes people will be

like theres that douchebag...
Ill get that vibe.

Stephen: Your character is
a douchebag.


Hes figuring it out.

Its a difficult life.

Stephen: Hes not
particularly nice to lady bird

in the meantime.

No, hes not.

And thats not a good thing so I
can kind of Gauge off that,


Stephen: And "call me by
your name," what do you get?

Ill bet, like, peaches or

Stephen: Really?

Because we had army hammer on
when he said people give him a

lot of peaches.

You get that, too?

I get that.

Thats part of the deal.

I would hope that would be for a
long time.

I would rather that than no
career, yeah.

Stephen: Whats the
weirdest fan encounter you have

ever had?

It would be before those

Does that count?

Stephen: Sure, its your

I wasnt, like, really
getting stopped for anything,

and I was on this TV show
"homeland" and somebody came up

on the street and said, "I
really hope the there are new sh

of your feet this season."

Stephen: Wait, what were
your feet in?

They werent in it.

I dont know, thats a thing...
Its a thing.

( Laughter ).

Stephen: People wanting to
see your feet.

I dont know about me,

I think...
Stephen: Youre the only

one in the story, timothee

( Laughter ).

No judgment, no judgment.

Like, theyre... yeah.

Stephen: I see it.

You grew up not far from here, I

I grew up, like, 10 blocks...
I grew up, like, 15 blocks from


Stephen: Did you like being
a city kid?

I loved being a city kid.

I got the Yankees on me feet
right now.

They dont neat nooed my help.

They dont need my plug.

Stephen: Were they kind of
free range?

Were your parents like go out
and play in traffic.

Yeah, absolutely,
absolutely... well, no, I wasnt

playing in traffic.

But I lost a job in this
building, actually.

I had an audition in this

Stephen: The ed Sullivan

There was an old letterman
producer can I say that?

Stephen: Yeah, sure.

His name... anyway, he was
casting a movie here.

Stephen: You dont want to
say his name?

He didnt give me the job.

Stephen: Throw him under
the bus.

His name was Rob Burnett, and
he was a producer on the

letterman show.

And he was putting taight movie
here called "the revised

fundamentals of caregiving," and
I... I didnt get it.

And thats the story.

( Laughter ).

Stephen: Yeah, I you know who
is in this building right now?


Stephen: You!



( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: I think Rob may

be, too.

I think Rob might still... he
still has an office here.

Rob has a bigger office.

Stephen: On the ninth

Oh, really gr yeah, hes
heading down right now.

Coming to literally kill me.

Stephen: Well, the new
movie is called "beautiful boy.


Stephen: And its based on
a true story.

Whats the story?

Well, its called "beautiful
boy," its based on two memoirs,

one is called "beautiful boy,"
and one is called "tweak."

And its the name of father and
son, and how they dealt with

nics methamphetamine addiction,
and I know its not the lifetime

subject but I want to thank you
for having me on here to talk

about it.

There are a lot of movies out
here right now, commercial

fanfare movies that arent,
whatever, and maybe lift you up

a bit more.

And this is something people
going through right now, people

my age, tragically.

And its called "beautiful boy."

Stephen: And you... and
youre doing this movie...

( Applause )
Its an important story to tell

because so many families deal
with addiction.


Stephen: So many
families... ing loving families...

This is not particularly an
extraordinary or out-of-the

ordinary story.

This is all too common.

No, and I hope that... I think
thats what we were hoping for,

and not in the name of being
general at all, but in trying to

be relatable.

You know, you see a family where
maybe its not obvious that

addiction could fracture it, and
thats, ultimately, I think the

learning grace of the movie.

And im sure people in here or
at home have experienced this,

know this, addiction doesnt
have a face.

It can affect anyone.

And its easier to think, "oh,
that happens to something im

night part of, " or " people who
go through things I dont go


A lot of people are going
through this right now, and the

first step forward is to be able
to address this openly, and how

unfin tes male this movie can
help or me being here...

( Applause ).

Stephen: Well, the story
is... its all... its also, to a

large draerk the story of your
father and his attempt to try to

help you, played by my old
friend Steve carell.


Stephen: What was it like
for to you work with Steve?

Man, what a dream to work
with Steve.

I was so grateful, almost just
haphazardly I googled Steve

carell, and Stephen Colbert, and
if you Google images, it seems

like you guys are in love.

Stephen: A little bit.

I worked with Steve, I dont
know, 20 years or something like


Second city.

Stephen: We had the locker,
the cubby holes next to each

other on second city.

And you got him his first job
there, right?

Stephen: No, I got him
tired at "the daily show."

Okay, yes, yes.

Stephen: I got him hired at
"the daily show."

We were at second city, at the
"daney carvey show."

You came up together.

Stephen: Yes
and you had some incredible

sketches I havent seen.

I encourage everyone to go...
Theyre like surreal videos of

them online.

And theres a video of you giews
at a comedy conference, and you

start singing the national
anthem for some reason, and

Steve jumps in and this really
surreal thing starts to happen

in the room where people start
to rise and put their hands on

their hearts.

Itis beautiful and amaze ago.

Stephen: Its beautiful,
and also extremely uncomfortable

to do that in the middle of a
comedy conference.

People go, "I guess we have to
do this."

Thats what happened in the

Stephen: Exactly.

And there was another one
where you are play waiters...

Stephen: Who are nauseated
by food.

Did you spend time with him off

I saw... whats going on here?

This is you... this is Steve
taking a picture of you.

And is that husband daughter?

Thats from a couple of weeks

I love that picture because you
get a great impression of, like,

the dad vibe Steve emits there.

Hes like a parent, contorting
his body for some reason.

Stephen: Besides being a
great actor Steve is, like,

both... hes kind of like, he so
talented and aging extremely

well, hes kind of sexy, but
hes super dorky dad at the same


He is.

But hes this... im always
trying to tell him hes like an


And he said he visited a college
campus with his kid and he said,

"I was so surprised people were
running up to me like Steve,

youre like a sex icon."

No, but... but...

laughter )

No, seriously.

Theyre, like... im sure
people... like, there are the

meme online.

Theres... theyll have... anyway.

I dont... I dont...

laughter )

Im not saying anything new.

Stephen: There are some
memes about you online, too.

Okay, all right, all right.

Stephen: I dont know if
youre old enough to look at

them yet.

Yes, yes, yes.

Stephen: We have a clip

Can you tell us whats

Its you on the phone.

Yes, so this is a scene
between David and nic, this

would be in the book, "beautiful
boy," as well.

And nic has had a number of
relapses at this point in the

movie, and hes calling his
father, and hes trying to

tell... you know, convince
husband father to let him come

home, and that hell be... that
hell be on good behavior.

Stephen: Jim?

Hi, dad, its me.



Please, dad.

I know I did wrong.

I want to stop.

Please, please, please, please,
please no rehab, all right?

Just let me come home.

( Applause )
Stephen: The... the film

looks expwiewfl human and

And I just want to touch on one
other film that youve got

coming up.


Stephen: I know you cant
tell me anything.

Is it true youve been cast as
Paul trades in the new "doom?"


Stephen: What is fear?

Do you know what fear is?

Fear is the mind killer.

Good luck.

Thank you.

( Laughter )
So nice to meet you.

Thank you for having me.

Stephen: "Beautiful boy" is
in theaters now.

Timothee chalamet, everybody!

Well be right back.

Stephen: Welcome back,

Folks, my next guest is a
Canadian comedian making his

network television debut.

Please welcome, Graham Kay!

♪ ♪ (

applause ).




Yes, yes, hello.


Thank you.

Very nice.

( Applause ) (

cheers )

I know.

Yup, yup.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.


( Laughter ) Im.

Im.>>... im doing better... im
doing better now.

I used to live in a
250-square-foot apartment.

250 square feet!

And if you dont understand how
to calculate square footage...

You know, because I didnt when
I read the ad...

( Laughter )
My... my microwave was my bedroom


( Laughter )
Every night bifer went to bed, I

just set the alarm for eight

On potato.

( Laughter )
Get the best sleep on potato.

Doing better, though, im doing

I got big personal news.

Thats why im here.

I want to talk about big
personal news.

I want to share it.

I recently just moved in with my

( Cheers and applause )
Thank you, yes, yes.

And... and she more recently
moved out.

( Laughter )
No, no, thats how you get your

own apartment, fell as.

Its a life talk.

You talk about a life hack, how
to get your very own apartment

that you cant afford in new

Shes gone.

Oh, boy.

And I cant afford the apartment
myself, so what I have been

doing is airbnbing out the
bedroom, and then I live in the

living room like a man.

Air bnb, what an amazing app.

Isnt it an amazing yap?

Because who wouldnt want to go
on vacation and stay with a sad


Fly all the way from Europe to
live with a broken man!

Thats fun for them, yeah.

If you dont know what air bnb
is, what it is, it is uber pool

for your mattress.

Yeah, yeah.

And I am a germ-a-phob.

I should not be okay with this.

Before my breakup, "hey, Graham,
how much for complete strangers

to come into your home and then
have sex on your mattress?

How much for that service?"
I would be like, "oh, thats


Like the price of 100

And now after my breakup, im
like "$42."

( Laughter ) $40!



So what I do when I wake up in
my own bed, and I know im going

to have a guest that night...
Theyre my guest... what I do is

I... I flip the mattress to the
sex side...

( Laughter )
Yes, yes, the dirty little shute

sex side.

And when its my turn I flip it
back to the cry side.

Thats my side.

Sex side-cry side system.

Thank you.

Very smart.

Ooum a scientist, very bright
young man.

I dont want you to think im
some sort of a loser, you know.

Im doing better in my career.

I decided to treat myself.

Im like maybe ill buy my
first-ever tailored suit.

I tried to buy one.

It did not work out.

I did not know this but if you
are a man the tailor will ask

you when whichway do you lie?

Which way do you lie?

Now, I did not know what he was
asking me.

( Laughter )
Apparently, he was asking me

which way my penis hangs.

To the right or to the left?

( Laughter )
Now, even if I did know what he

was asking me, I dont know the
answer by heart.

- ( Laughter ) (
- Applause )

Is that something im supposed
to be keeping tabs on this whole


Like, every morning, before I
leave the house, im like,


Hard left today!

( Laughter )
Im ready for all questions!"

( Laughter )
If youre wonder yg hes asking,

its so he can leave in some
extra room on that side.

Give it some room!

Give it some room!

Give it some room!

Which I hate to admit, very

( Laughter )
Its always fit in there snug as

a bug in a rug.

Always just been a good amount
of room, never been a concern,

you know.

In my own defense, who are these
guys who are going pants


Theyre like, "hope me penis
fits in there.

( Laughter ) (

cheers and applause )

Thank you.


So this guy, hes like, "which
way do you lie?

Which way do you lie?"
I didnt know what he was asking


I thought he was asking
something else more personal

about me!

Hes like, "which way do you

Im like, "im straight."

( Laughter )
Hes like, "straight?"

( Laughter )
I was like, "straight as an


You bet.

Hes like, "thats weird."

Im like, "I dont think it is."

( Laughter )
Then I got pants back a couple

of days later...

( Laughter )
There was a big empty floppy

sock in the middle.

I was like what the hell is

I have to put loose change in
there to hold it down on windy


So didnt buy eye didnt buy the

My name is Graham Kay.

Thank you very much, bye.

Stephen: His album
"girlfriend material" comes out

( Applause )
Stephen: Oh, hey!

Welcome back, everybody!

Well, folks, the weeks just
about over, and it was a week

well never forget.

Well spend the weekend trying.

Until then, enjoy the best of
this weeks "late show"."

The president was in Paris this
weekend for the 100th

anniversary of the armistice day
and was scheduled to pay his

respects at a U.S. military

These soldiers fought tirelessly
through brutal conditions.

So, of course, Trump canceled
his trip to the cemetery due to


Well, you cant blame him... hes
only got one umbrella, and he

couldnt figure out how to bring
it on the plane.

( Laughter ) >> I feel good.

Its always great to come here
because of the-of this place.

Stephen: Yeah and...
And you!

And you, too.

( Laughter ) Mainly you.

Stephen: Do you know why I
like talking to you?

You remind me of someone else.

( Laughter ).

Stephen: Do you think about
death a lot?

No, I dont care about it.

Stephen: You dont care
about dying?

No... well, I dont care about
being dead, because I wont know

about it.

Stephen: You dont know.

That is the best thing about
being dead... you dont know

about it.

Its like being stupid.

Its only painful for others.

So I dont...
Stephen: What do you make

of a photograph like this?

I mean, can you believe this?

Did you see this?

It was the one time you saw the
president smile.

It was almost pavlovian.

I mean... this is... this is
Vladimir putin.

Macron, Angela merkel, and this
is, I think, the one smile we

saw from the president.

Stephen: Uh.

♪ My boyfriends back
"make France great again."

I suspect Donald trumps going
to have a new look at his next


( Laughter ) (

applause )

"Look, ah-ah-ah."

"They try to shame everybody by
calling them racist or calling

them something, anything they
can think of, when you say you

want voter I.D.

But voter I.D. Is a very
important thing.

If you buy a box of cereal, you
have a voter I.D.

So the president of the united
states thinks you need voter

I.d. To buy a box of cereal.

He must be referring to the many
popular "adults only" cereals

that require I.D., like "porn
flakes, turning trix, and


( Laughter ) (

applause )

( Cheers and applause )
Stephen: Well be right


♪ ♪ (

applause )

Stephen: Thats it for "the
late show," everybody.

Watch "the late show" next week
when ill be joined by Millie

Bobby brown, Paul Simon, and
Michael Douglas.

Good night!

- (Cheers and applause - ) (Band playing
- )

- (band playing
- ) ♪ ♪