The Last O.G. (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Started from the Bottom - full transcript
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---
Gather around, people.
Welcome to Brooklyn Hood's Legends Tour.
I'm your guide, Tray Barker.
I was born and raised on
these Brooklyn streets,
and I'm gonna transport
you back into a time
before boba tea and double-foam lattes.
This spot right here,
the police arrested
the most infamous stickup
kid in Brooklyn... Mezzo Mike.
- He was the ladies' choice.
- _
A stickup kid with a golden voice.
♪ Everybody, get on the
motherfuckin' ground ♪
♪ I'm so sorry I have to do this ♪
♪ Run me yo' shit, nigga ♪
♪ Run me yo' shit ♪
♪ Bitch, you know what it is ♪
♪ Run me yo' shit,
nigga, run me yo' shit ♪
♪ Bitch, you know what it is ♪
Who I got to rob around here to
get a half-pound of roast beef?
TRAY: Legend has it Mike
could sing your pockets dry
and your girl's panties wet.
Sometimes at the same time.
♪ Ooh, I want your wallet ♪
♪ I want your jewels and
the keys to your car ♪
♪ And don't you try to run from me ♪
♪ 'Cause you won't get very fa-a-a-a-r ♪
[SIGHS]
[VOCALIZING]
Police finally caught up to
him when, during a getaway,
Mike couldn't resist one
last shoobie-doobie-doo.
MIKE: [MUFFLED] ♪ They're
never gonna find me ♪
♪ They're never gonna find me ♪
♪ No, they're never gonna find me ♪
♪ These motherfuckas found me ♪
TRAY: Even at his trial,
he tried to serenade his
way out of a conviction.
♪ Your Honor, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry ♪
♪ And to the victims,
I'm sorry, sorry, sorry ♪
♪ And to my family, I'm
sorry, sorry, sorry ♪
Are you done?
How does the jury find the defendant?
We find the defendant...
- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Guilty as charged ♪
- What?
- ♪ You gonna go to jail for 15 years ♪
[GAVEL BANGS]
TRAY: Mike didn't let
incarceration end his dream.
For his latest prison performance,
"Scam-ilton", he received a Tony.
Hi. I'm Tony.
Oh, shit.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
[RAPPING] ♪ My friends on
the team broke like me, too ♪
♪ So you might get stumped,
that's crazy glue ♪
♪ They want bass
when they come through ♪
Makin' me so sad, girl.
♪ 'Cause it takes two ♪
Oh. [SMOOCHES]
Perfect.
Hi! Sorry, hi.
I'm sorry to bring the whole crew over.
Uh, this one has a tendency to run off.
Hey, I'm... I'm Paul
from across the hall.
Hey, Paul from across the hall.
I'm Tray from around the way.
Nostrand and Halsey, right
up the block from the A Train.
You do know you have a baby
sticking out of your body, right?
- [CHUCKLES]
- You look like a marsupial.
I learned that word in a law library.
Oh, yeah, this is my... my son, Ace.
We're doing attachment parenting.
Oh, that is cool.
- Hey, princess!
- My name is Max.
- Oh, Maxine?
- No. Max.
My wife and I don't believe
in traditional gender roles.
Uh, that's part of the reason why
she's off pursuing her passion.
- Right.
- She's the C.E.O. of a Fortune 500 company.
Good for her. I think that's great.
And then I'm tasked with
raising the next generation
of empathetic men and empowered women.
We're a partnership. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, I know that's right.
So you're the white Stedman.
Wow, that's... [SIGHS]
He's a... Oh, that means a lot to me.
He's... He's a personal hero of mine.
- [BUZZER]
- Um... Oh, I'm so sorry.
This my wife calling.
Uh, go for Paul.
Uh, yes, ma'am.
I know it's 8:05.
It's... We're just running
a little bit behind.
Yes, no, I'm... I'm talking to him now.
Okay, bye-bye. I lo...
Anyway, uh, so, we're
running a little late
for a naptime, but my wife was wondering
if maybe you could turn down the music.
- She can hear it on the nanny cam.
- Yeah, I'm so sorry, sir.
Say less. I got it.
I'll take this outside.
I was going outside to
get some fresh air anyway.
- Okay.
- But I want you to know
I'm the new handyman, okay?
And if you and yours need
anything fixed, you call me,
and I'm gonna come quicker
than Superman on Ex-Lax.
That's fast. [LAUGHS]
And you know that
deliciousness you smelling?
- Mmm.
- That's for the housewarming tonight
to meet my... all my
new neighbors, you know?
You are the first invite.
You should ask your wife
to come with you, you know?
'Cause once y'all taste that,
y'all gonna be an attachment couple.
Y'all might even start
making more babies.
Okay. Well, we'll...
we'll play it by ear.
Okay.
Take care, Princess.
My name's Max.
Oh, okay.
Alexa, check today's traffic.
ALEXA: Right now, traffic
on your commute looks good.
The fastest route takes about 40 minutes
via Atlantic Avenue and 6th Avenue.
What's for breakfast?
Oats. Where's your brother?
Upstairs, trying to get cute.
He's changed his outfit like five times.
Too bad he can't change his face.
Uh, careful. I helped make that face.
Shahzad! Get down here!
Don't make me have to
come up there an get you!
With your ugly face.
I... What did I say about that?
Oh!
Who is she and what is her name?
[CHUCKLES] Nobody.
Her name is Symone, and
she's in his science class.
- [SCOFFS]
- Oh, Symone!
That is a cute name.
Tell me all about her.
There's really nothing to tell.
She likes him and he likes her,
but all they do is act
weird around each other.
[SIGHS] No, we don't! You don't
know what you're talking about.
It's okay. Getting to know someone
can be awkward for anybody.
[SIGHS] So, what do I talk to her about?
Whatever you have in common.
Movies, music.
Dancing? Yeah, we both like dancing.
Okay, well, show her some of your moves.
You know what? You should have
her come by the house after school.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- I'd love to meet her.
- AMIRA: I think it's a great idea.
And I'll be sure to bring popcorn.
Just remember, okay, when
it comes to the ladies,
use the word "Queen".
It's about respect.
And if you want to
give her a compliment,
do that from the neck up.
I don't want you out
here objectifying women.
And please don't use no
lame-ass pickup lines like,
[AS TRAY] "Oh, heaven
must be missing an angel".
[LAUGHS] Hey, that's Tray.
Is that the one he used to get you?
No.
Okay, yes, but I was
a different woman then.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Finish y'all breakfast.
Yeah. You better tell your
man to hold your hand tight.
The big bad wolf is out there.
[HOWLS] Ooh.
Whoa.
What if I told you heaven
must be missing an angel?
'Cause I'm looking at one
standing right in front of me now.
I would say you must
be missing a chromosome
if you think that tired-ass
line is gonna work.
But wait!
You sassy, I'm sweet, so we go together
like grape juice and dill pickles.
How about a smile?
I woke up at the ass-crack of dawn,
got on a subway where I was sandwiched
in between a human fart
and a horny 15-year-old
just so I can go to work where
I'm paid 30% less than a man,
and I had to stand on my
feet for 10 hours a day,
trying to dismantle the patriarchy,
just so no woman has
to answer the question,
"Can I get a smile?"
I'll take that as a "no".
So at least let me get the door for you.
I don't know what bunker
you just crawled out of,
but it's a new day.
Women are capable of
opening their own doors.
Share the memo.
You know there's an expiration
date on that attitude.
Damn, she Scary Spice.
- Who you here for?
- Paul Tilman.
Oh, he upstairs putting
his kids to sleep.
- Yo, Paul!
- What is it?
You got a package down here!
Okay, thanks. I'll buzz him up.
- What?!
- I'll buzz him up!
- [BABY CRIES]
- Oh, oh!
You ain't gonna get no tip,
man. You just woke his kids up.
♪♪
Oh, that's my joint.
♪ I never been tooken out ♪
Yeah, but my soul mate left me,
and I've been trying
to consciously uncouple,
but my birth mother refuses
to give me my birth time
so I can't even do my natal chart.
So you'll send someone
to fix my sink today?
Oh, thank you, Mr. Kelley.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Namaste. Okay.
♪ Enough to make or break
and shake your... ♪
♪ As I create rhymes
good as a tastycake makes ♪
- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- ♪ Bring it on back, yeah ♪
♪ Shame on you, when
you step through to ♪
Hey, Mr. Kelley.
Huh? A clogged drain in apartment 2A?
Yes, sir, okay.
One.
♪ Shame on you, when
you step through to ♪
This door. Looks like this
isn't working very well.
♪ Shame on you, when
you step through to ♪
[KEYS JINGLE, DOOR CLOSES]
♪ Shame on you, when
you step through to ♪
♪ The Ol' Dirty Bastard ♪
♪ In your face like
a can of mace, baby ♪
♪ Is it burning? Well... ♪
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
My body is mine! It belongs to me!
Can we please keep it
down? What is going on?
He followed me inside when I
was waiting for the handyman.
- [GROANS]
- He is the handyman.
- [SCREAMS]
- Oh.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
- Snacks, thank you.
- Ah, that's for Shahzad and Symone.
- Oh, wow, you are so excited.
- Of course I am.
- Aren't you?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I can't wait to meet the girl
- who inspired him to cut his fingernails.
- [CHUCKLES]
I just hope she ain't no
ghetto, twerkin' hoochie.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get it.
Here we go.
[DOOR OPENS]
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Mom, Dad, this is my queen.
Hi. [CHUCKLES]
♪♪
Oh, this is gonna be good.
TRAY: What kind of military-grade
pepper spray is this?
Oh, you could crush a citizen uprising.
Y'all need to send this
to Hong Kong right now!
Uh, Tray, you'll actually
be happy to know that
that is not real pepper spray.
That is a product I'm
reviewing for Goop.
- Ooh!
- Yeah, the new, um, Yoni tea mist with, uh,
lemon grass and tea tree oil.
Actually, while I have you,
did you find the scent awakening?
Ugh, I find it burning!
Good to know.
Well, that's alkaline water,
so it should neutralize the sting a bit.
Oh, okay, I'm feeling better.
You might want to put
these back in the freezer.
Um, no, they're all yours.
Okay.
Oh, what am I supposed to fix now?
The sink. It's been clogged for days.
Okay. This'll be a cinch.
What I'm gonna need
is a jug of lemonade,
some baking soda, and a box of perm.
Well, uh, I've got some lemonade.
And I have baking soda.
Why would you assume
I have a box of perm?
My grandma sends me one every month.
Okay, all done.
Thank you so much!
Do you want anything to drink?
Do you want a green tea, a bone broth?
Ooh, I have Kombucha.
Oh, no, thank you. I got a little rule.
If I can't pronounce
it, I don't drink it.
That's why you never see me drinking
that Pigio Grigio stuff.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.
- But this here...
I'm having a little
housewarming tonight,
and I'd like to invite you ladies.
Ladies, my Mercedes.
- Maybe.
- Alright, man, okay.
Hey, Paul is coming.
Oh, I'm playing it by ear.
- I'm playing it by ear.
- Okay.
Alright. Bye, Tray.
I'd rather spray that
Yoni mist in my Yoni.
Have you guys seen my phone?
No. You sure you brought it inside?
Yeah, I'm sure.
- I'll just call it.
- Yeah, wait, no. It's on silent.
Okay, well, where did you have it last?
Uh, okay, I came in the door,
I put my bags down over there,
and then I put my phone
down right next to...
Tray.
Do you guys think he maybe,
like, accidentally stole it?
- Oh.
- Why?
- Because he's black?
- No.
Uh, you're profiling again.
Just because Tray's an ex-con
does not mean he stole your phone.
Wait, wait, Tray's an ex-con?
How... How do you know that?
Just a little routine background check.
Oh, God, I got it, so
now you're profiling.
No, that's not what this is.
I do a background check on everybody
who moves in the building.
And, Paul, you should
probably tell your wife
she needs to check on
that speeding ticket.
Oh, okay. Uh, I'll let her know.
Actually, we should get
going. Max, let's go.
Max? Where's my daughter?
I lost my daughter. Max?
Okay, you don't have it that bad.
Stick with Daddy!
Your dad seems like a really nice guy.
- SHAHZAD: Thank you.
- Thanks so much for inviting me.
I'm having a great time.
♪♪
Hey. What's the matter?
You seem upset.
I didn't think she was
gonna show up white.
Okay.
Well, I hate to be the bearer
of what is apparently bad news,
but you're married to a white guy.
I know, but this caught
me off guard, you know?
I was... I was expecting to see Moesha,
not Marcia Brady.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I get it.
Who is Marcia Brady?
That's why I married you.
We've built an Earthship this year.
I'm really excited about it.
That's cool. Who's your partner?
- Melody Swanson.
- Oh, lucky you.
She's the prettiest girl in school.
I mean, she's okay.
But I think you're the
prettiest girl in the school.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, you're beautiful.
Your hair i-is so soft and silky.
Your eyes...
i-it's like a big, blue ocean.
And your skin, wow.
I-It's like porcelain.
I got you guys snacks.
Thank you, Mrs. Birkeland.
Here, let me get that for you.
Oh.
At your service, my queen.
You're so nice.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
♪♪
What's up? I'm Tray.
I got a request to repair your toilet.
[BRITISH ACCENT] Oh, yeah, you
must be the handyman, right?
Nope. I'm a black man
who happened to be handy.
- I didn't mean to offend you.
- It's alright, man.
I just got sprayed in the face
by some skinny blonde chick.
Ah, yeah, you met Luna.
Yeah, she's a little high-strung,
but totally harmless.
And as beautiful as a butterfly.
Y'all a couple?
No, she reminds me of a reindeer
I once met in Finland, you know?
Wild, majestic.
But as I coaxed the milk
from her reindeer teat,
I just thought, you
know, "Too much work".
Yeah, I know.
Sometimes sucking reindeer
titties could be...
Hey, could I come in, man?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, okay.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[TV CHATTER]
Yo! This is tight!
You got your own Dave & Buster's.
Yeah. This is Miles.
He sets it all up, so...
What's up, Miles?
Yeah, Miles isn't much for
human interaction, so...
The form is too limiting.
I prefer to transfer my
consciousness to the cloud.
Well, he's a walking,
talking Stephen Hawking.
Let's get to this bathroom.
Yeah.
This is not the bathroom.
No, no, that's my place.
- Oh, you's locked up.
- No, no.
See, I've adopted a
minimalist lifestyle.
- That's what you call it?
- Yeah, yeah.
I just don't assign meaning
to money or things, you know?
I just, uh, keep myself
in peak condition,
so I'm ready for adventure.
You know, the elation,
jumping out of an airplane.
Or... Or the ecstasy of...
of the conquest of reaching
the very top of the snow
peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.
Or... Or the thrill of
swimming with the sharks
in South Africa.
You know, these...
these are the things that I live for.
You know what all those
things have in common?
- What?
- White people.
[MILES LAUGHS]
I knew I was gonna get him.
Mm, yep, yep, there it is,
there it is, right there.
I knew it.
Yep, just like I thought.
You got a crack, but it
ain't leaking through yet.
I'm going to run to the
store and get some supplies.
I'm gonna come back tomorrow morning
- and patch it all up for you, alright?
- Right, yeah.
But if y'all are not
doing nothing tonight,
why don't you swing by?
- I'm having a little get-together.
- Yeah?
Okay, yeah, I got this
fine chick coming to.
She got a glass leg with Kool-Aid in it.
You might like that.
What?
[BOTH LAUGH]
[SCOFFS]
I can't believe he's acting
like a servant for her.
Uh, I think he's just
trying to be a gentleman.
You were the one that told
him to treat her like a queen.
That's when I thought
it was a black queen.
You are being really
hypocritical right now.
You just don't understand.
I'm trying to get this dance
down, but I just can't.
Really? It's easy.
I'll show you. Look.
It's like an angry pirate processor.
Here's how you do it.
[BOTH LAUGH]
You got it.
Keep going.
You were the one that told
him to show her those moves.
I know what I said! I
was there when I said it.
Give me this.
Sorry to barge in on you guys.
So, we noticed that Tray
just left your apartment,
and we were wondering.
Did you notice anything missing?
No. Why?
Okay, so, something happened
that's gonna make me
sound racist. [CHUCKLES]
But I mean, you of all
people know I'm not racist.
I mean, come on, I have a
picture of Colin Kaepernick
as my screensaver.
- Luna.
- What?
What's your point?
I think that Tray may have
accidentally stolen my phone.
Have you asked him if he has it?
No, I can't ask him that.
Then I would sound racist.
MILES: Why not use
the Find My iPhone app?
We can find its location, make it ring.
If it's on his person, we'll hear it.
Ooh! That's a good idea.
Okay, um, how can we do that?
We just need to get inside
his apartment somehow.
Well, he has that, uh, party
tonight. We can all go.
Yeah. I guess he can't kill all of us.
Okay, Isis, you just
got mad at me for that.
What? Paul was thinking it, too.
This guy was thinking the same thing.
[CHUCKLES]
[BABY COOS]
SHAY: I'm embarrassed
about the way I acted.
Symone's a nice girl.
It's just hard for me to understand why
Shahzad wouldn't want
to be with a girl that
looks like his mother.
Well, why don't you
go ask him, you know?
I'm sure he's still up.
♪♪
You know what?
I will.
Thanks.
♪♪
[BOTH LAUGHING]
SHAHZAD: You find the best videos.
I love hanging out with you.
I love hanging out with you.
[CHUCKLES] I got to go.
I'll see you tomorrow at school.
So...
did you have fun today?
Yeah, I did.
Thank you, Ma.
For everything.
You're welcome.
Um, let me ask you something.
What do you see in Symone?
Don't get me wrong. I like her.
I'm just curious as to
what you like about her.
Well, she's not like other girls.
She doesn't care about
looking cute all the time.
She knows she's pretty without makeup.
[LAUGHS] She's funny.
I can talk to her about a lot of things.
She's smart.
She's nice to everyone.
But tough when she needs to be, too.
Actually, Ma, she kind
of reminds me of you.
♪♪
Son, that's why I like her, too.
- Good night.
- Good night.
♪♪
[CELLPHONE KEYBOARD CLICKING]
You're bringing your baby
to a housewarming party?
Oh, uh, he missed his nap today,
so he's gonna be up for a while.
- Okay.
- At least Laura and Max will get some sleep.
- Okay.
- Okay, I'm gonna turn on the alert.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
[CELLPHONE PINGING]
Hmm. It's saying it's right here.
[PINGING CONTINUES]
Oh, no, no, no.
I didn't... I didn't take it. I swear.
Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.
Oh, okay.
Well, look at what Ace took.
[GASPS] Ooh, ooh, ooh! Thief!
- Thief!
- I'm so sorry.
Uh, he must've taken it off the counter.
He's in a very grabby stage.
You guys, we almost
just made a huge mistake.
The only mistake would've
been getting stuck
- at this stupid party.
- [CHUCKLES]
Yo, what's up? Y'all made it.
Come on.
♪♪
- So primal.
- I know it is.
That's a beef patty
between that girl's legs.
She could make a Sprite can
disappear with her mouth.
It's on Google. Check it out.
♪♪
Hey, listen!
I really appreciate y'all
coming out like this.
Okay, most of the time when you
move into a new neighborhood,
your neighbors are usually suspicious
or very judgmental of you.
But not y'all.
You've been treating
me good since I met you.
That's friendship, and I need it,
and I don't want to get
too sentimental here,
so that's why I'm
gonna turn the music on.
It's right over there.
I got some music, y'all.
Let's get down.
I want to see somebody
do the Funky Chicken.
Somebody do it!
---
Gather around, people.
Welcome to Brooklyn Hood's Legends Tour.
I'm your guide, Tray Barker.
I was born and raised on
these Brooklyn streets,
and I'm gonna transport
you back into a time
before boba tea and double-foam lattes.
This spot right here,
the police arrested
the most infamous stickup
kid in Brooklyn... Mezzo Mike.
- He was the ladies' choice.
- _
A stickup kid with a golden voice.
♪ Everybody, get on the
motherfuckin' ground ♪
♪ I'm so sorry I have to do this ♪
♪ Run me yo' shit, nigga ♪
♪ Run me yo' shit ♪
♪ Bitch, you know what it is ♪
♪ Run me yo' shit,
nigga, run me yo' shit ♪
♪ Bitch, you know what it is ♪
Who I got to rob around here to
get a half-pound of roast beef?
TRAY: Legend has it Mike
could sing your pockets dry
and your girl's panties wet.
Sometimes at the same time.
♪ Ooh, I want your wallet ♪
♪ I want your jewels and
the keys to your car ♪
♪ And don't you try to run from me ♪
♪ 'Cause you won't get very fa-a-a-a-r ♪
[SIGHS]
[VOCALIZING]
Police finally caught up to
him when, during a getaway,
Mike couldn't resist one
last shoobie-doobie-doo.
MIKE: [MUFFLED] ♪ They're
never gonna find me ♪
♪ They're never gonna find me ♪
♪ No, they're never gonna find me ♪
♪ These motherfuckas found me ♪
TRAY: Even at his trial,
he tried to serenade his
way out of a conviction.
♪ Your Honor, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry ♪
♪ And to the victims,
I'm sorry, sorry, sorry ♪
♪ And to my family, I'm
sorry, sorry, sorry ♪
Are you done?
How does the jury find the defendant?
We find the defendant...
- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Guilty as charged ♪
- What?
- ♪ You gonna go to jail for 15 years ♪
[GAVEL BANGS]
TRAY: Mike didn't let
incarceration end his dream.
For his latest prison performance,
"Scam-ilton", he received a Tony.
Hi. I'm Tony.
Oh, shit.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
[RAPPING] ♪ My friends on
the team broke like me, too ♪
♪ So you might get stumped,
that's crazy glue ♪
♪ They want bass
when they come through ♪
Makin' me so sad, girl.
♪ 'Cause it takes two ♪
Oh. [SMOOCHES]
Perfect.
Hi! Sorry, hi.
I'm sorry to bring the whole crew over.
Uh, this one has a tendency to run off.
Hey, I'm... I'm Paul
from across the hall.
Hey, Paul from across the hall.
I'm Tray from around the way.
Nostrand and Halsey, right
up the block from the A Train.
You do know you have a baby
sticking out of your body, right?
- [CHUCKLES]
- You look like a marsupial.
I learned that word in a law library.
Oh, yeah, this is my... my son, Ace.
We're doing attachment parenting.
Oh, that is cool.
- Hey, princess!
- My name is Max.
- Oh, Maxine?
- No. Max.
My wife and I don't believe
in traditional gender roles.
Uh, that's part of the reason why
she's off pursuing her passion.
- Right.
- She's the C.E.O. of a Fortune 500 company.
Good for her. I think that's great.
And then I'm tasked with
raising the next generation
of empathetic men and empowered women.
We're a partnership. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, I know that's right.
So you're the white Stedman.
Wow, that's... [SIGHS]
He's a... Oh, that means a lot to me.
He's... He's a personal hero of mine.
- [BUZZER]
- Um... Oh, I'm so sorry.
This my wife calling.
Uh, go for Paul.
Uh, yes, ma'am.
I know it's 8:05.
It's... We're just running
a little bit behind.
Yes, no, I'm... I'm talking to him now.
Okay, bye-bye. I lo...
Anyway, uh, so, we're
running a little late
for a naptime, but my wife was wondering
if maybe you could turn down the music.
- She can hear it on the nanny cam.
- Yeah, I'm so sorry, sir.
Say less. I got it.
I'll take this outside.
I was going outside to
get some fresh air anyway.
- Okay.
- But I want you to know
I'm the new handyman, okay?
And if you and yours need
anything fixed, you call me,
and I'm gonna come quicker
than Superman on Ex-Lax.
That's fast. [LAUGHS]
And you know that
deliciousness you smelling?
- Mmm.
- That's for the housewarming tonight
to meet my... all my
new neighbors, you know?
You are the first invite.
You should ask your wife
to come with you, you know?
'Cause once y'all taste that,
y'all gonna be an attachment couple.
Y'all might even start
making more babies.
Okay. Well, we'll...
we'll play it by ear.
Okay.
Take care, Princess.
My name's Max.
Oh, okay.
Alexa, check today's traffic.
ALEXA: Right now, traffic
on your commute looks good.
The fastest route takes about 40 minutes
via Atlantic Avenue and 6th Avenue.
What's for breakfast?
Oats. Where's your brother?
Upstairs, trying to get cute.
He's changed his outfit like five times.
Too bad he can't change his face.
Uh, careful. I helped make that face.
Shahzad! Get down here!
Don't make me have to
come up there an get you!
With your ugly face.
I... What did I say about that?
Oh!
Who is she and what is her name?
[CHUCKLES] Nobody.
Her name is Symone, and
she's in his science class.
- [SCOFFS]
- Oh, Symone!
That is a cute name.
Tell me all about her.
There's really nothing to tell.
She likes him and he likes her,
but all they do is act
weird around each other.
[SIGHS] No, we don't! You don't
know what you're talking about.
It's okay. Getting to know someone
can be awkward for anybody.
[SIGHS] So, what do I talk to her about?
Whatever you have in common.
Movies, music.
Dancing? Yeah, we both like dancing.
Okay, well, show her some of your moves.
You know what? You should have
her come by the house after school.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- I'd love to meet her.
- AMIRA: I think it's a great idea.
And I'll be sure to bring popcorn.
Just remember, okay, when
it comes to the ladies,
use the word "Queen".
It's about respect.
And if you want to
give her a compliment,
do that from the neck up.
I don't want you out
here objectifying women.
And please don't use no
lame-ass pickup lines like,
[AS TRAY] "Oh, heaven
must be missing an angel".
[LAUGHS] Hey, that's Tray.
Is that the one he used to get you?
No.
Okay, yes, but I was
a different woman then.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Finish y'all breakfast.
Yeah. You better tell your
man to hold your hand tight.
The big bad wolf is out there.
[HOWLS] Ooh.
Whoa.
What if I told you heaven
must be missing an angel?
'Cause I'm looking at one
standing right in front of me now.
I would say you must
be missing a chromosome
if you think that tired-ass
line is gonna work.
But wait!
You sassy, I'm sweet, so we go together
like grape juice and dill pickles.
How about a smile?
I woke up at the ass-crack of dawn,
got on a subway where I was sandwiched
in between a human fart
and a horny 15-year-old
just so I can go to work where
I'm paid 30% less than a man,
and I had to stand on my
feet for 10 hours a day,
trying to dismantle the patriarchy,
just so no woman has
to answer the question,
"Can I get a smile?"
I'll take that as a "no".
So at least let me get the door for you.
I don't know what bunker
you just crawled out of,
but it's a new day.
Women are capable of
opening their own doors.
Share the memo.
You know there's an expiration
date on that attitude.
Damn, she Scary Spice.
- Who you here for?
- Paul Tilman.
Oh, he upstairs putting
his kids to sleep.
- Yo, Paul!
- What is it?
You got a package down here!
Okay, thanks. I'll buzz him up.
- What?!
- I'll buzz him up!
- [BABY CRIES]
- Oh, oh!
You ain't gonna get no tip,
man. You just woke his kids up.
♪♪
Oh, that's my joint.
♪ I never been tooken out ♪
Yeah, but my soul mate left me,
and I've been trying
to consciously uncouple,
but my birth mother refuses
to give me my birth time
so I can't even do my natal chart.
So you'll send someone
to fix my sink today?
Oh, thank you, Mr. Kelley.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Namaste. Okay.
♪ Enough to make or break
and shake your... ♪
♪ As I create rhymes
good as a tastycake makes ♪
- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- ♪ Bring it on back, yeah ♪
♪ Shame on you, when
you step through to ♪
Hey, Mr. Kelley.
Huh? A clogged drain in apartment 2A?
Yes, sir, okay.
One.
♪ Shame on you, when
you step through to ♪
This door. Looks like this
isn't working very well.
♪ Shame on you, when
you step through to ♪
[KEYS JINGLE, DOOR CLOSES]
♪ Shame on you, when
you step through to ♪
♪ The Ol' Dirty Bastard ♪
♪ In your face like
a can of mace, baby ♪
♪ Is it burning? Well... ♪
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
My body is mine! It belongs to me!
Can we please keep it
down? What is going on?
He followed me inside when I
was waiting for the handyman.
- [GROANS]
- He is the handyman.
- [SCREAMS]
- Oh.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
- Snacks, thank you.
- Ah, that's for Shahzad and Symone.
- Oh, wow, you are so excited.
- Of course I am.
- Aren't you?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I can't wait to meet the girl
- who inspired him to cut his fingernails.
- [CHUCKLES]
I just hope she ain't no
ghetto, twerkin' hoochie.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get it.
Here we go.
[DOOR OPENS]
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Mom, Dad, this is my queen.
Hi. [CHUCKLES]
♪♪
Oh, this is gonna be good.
TRAY: What kind of military-grade
pepper spray is this?
Oh, you could crush a citizen uprising.
Y'all need to send this
to Hong Kong right now!
Uh, Tray, you'll actually
be happy to know that
that is not real pepper spray.
That is a product I'm
reviewing for Goop.
- Ooh!
- Yeah, the new, um, Yoni tea mist with, uh,
lemon grass and tea tree oil.
Actually, while I have you,
did you find the scent awakening?
Ugh, I find it burning!
Good to know.
Well, that's alkaline water,
so it should neutralize the sting a bit.
Oh, okay, I'm feeling better.
You might want to put
these back in the freezer.
Um, no, they're all yours.
Okay.
Oh, what am I supposed to fix now?
The sink. It's been clogged for days.
Okay. This'll be a cinch.
What I'm gonna need
is a jug of lemonade,
some baking soda, and a box of perm.
Well, uh, I've got some lemonade.
And I have baking soda.
Why would you assume
I have a box of perm?
My grandma sends me one every month.
Okay, all done.
Thank you so much!
Do you want anything to drink?
Do you want a green tea, a bone broth?
Ooh, I have Kombucha.
Oh, no, thank you. I got a little rule.
If I can't pronounce
it, I don't drink it.
That's why you never see me drinking
that Pigio Grigio stuff.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.
- But this here...
I'm having a little
housewarming tonight,
and I'd like to invite you ladies.
Ladies, my Mercedes.
- Maybe.
- Alright, man, okay.
Hey, Paul is coming.
Oh, I'm playing it by ear.
- I'm playing it by ear.
- Okay.
Alright. Bye, Tray.
I'd rather spray that
Yoni mist in my Yoni.
Have you guys seen my phone?
No. You sure you brought it inside?
Yeah, I'm sure.
- I'll just call it.
- Yeah, wait, no. It's on silent.
Okay, well, where did you have it last?
Uh, okay, I came in the door,
I put my bags down over there,
and then I put my phone
down right next to...
Tray.
Do you guys think he maybe,
like, accidentally stole it?
- Oh.
- Why?
- Because he's black?
- No.
Uh, you're profiling again.
Just because Tray's an ex-con
does not mean he stole your phone.
Wait, wait, Tray's an ex-con?
How... How do you know that?
Just a little routine background check.
Oh, God, I got it, so
now you're profiling.
No, that's not what this is.
I do a background check on everybody
who moves in the building.
And, Paul, you should
probably tell your wife
she needs to check on
that speeding ticket.
Oh, okay. Uh, I'll let her know.
Actually, we should get
going. Max, let's go.
Max? Where's my daughter?
I lost my daughter. Max?
Okay, you don't have it that bad.
Stick with Daddy!
Your dad seems like a really nice guy.
- SHAHZAD: Thank you.
- Thanks so much for inviting me.
I'm having a great time.
♪♪
Hey. What's the matter?
You seem upset.
I didn't think she was
gonna show up white.
Okay.
Well, I hate to be the bearer
of what is apparently bad news,
but you're married to a white guy.
I know, but this caught
me off guard, you know?
I was... I was expecting to see Moesha,
not Marcia Brady.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I get it.
Who is Marcia Brady?
That's why I married you.
We've built an Earthship this year.
I'm really excited about it.
That's cool. Who's your partner?
- Melody Swanson.
- Oh, lucky you.
She's the prettiest girl in school.
I mean, she's okay.
But I think you're the
prettiest girl in the school.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, you're beautiful.
Your hair i-is so soft and silky.
Your eyes...
i-it's like a big, blue ocean.
And your skin, wow.
I-It's like porcelain.
I got you guys snacks.
Thank you, Mrs. Birkeland.
Here, let me get that for you.
Oh.
At your service, my queen.
You're so nice.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
♪♪
What's up? I'm Tray.
I got a request to repair your toilet.
[BRITISH ACCENT] Oh, yeah, you
must be the handyman, right?
Nope. I'm a black man
who happened to be handy.
- I didn't mean to offend you.
- It's alright, man.
I just got sprayed in the face
by some skinny blonde chick.
Ah, yeah, you met Luna.
Yeah, she's a little high-strung,
but totally harmless.
And as beautiful as a butterfly.
Y'all a couple?
No, she reminds me of a reindeer
I once met in Finland, you know?
Wild, majestic.
But as I coaxed the milk
from her reindeer teat,
I just thought, you
know, "Too much work".
Yeah, I know.
Sometimes sucking reindeer
titties could be...
Hey, could I come in, man?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, okay.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[TV CHATTER]
Yo! This is tight!
You got your own Dave & Buster's.
Yeah. This is Miles.
He sets it all up, so...
What's up, Miles?
Yeah, Miles isn't much for
human interaction, so...
The form is too limiting.
I prefer to transfer my
consciousness to the cloud.
Well, he's a walking,
talking Stephen Hawking.
Let's get to this bathroom.
Yeah.
This is not the bathroom.
No, no, that's my place.
- Oh, you's locked up.
- No, no.
See, I've adopted a
minimalist lifestyle.
- That's what you call it?
- Yeah, yeah.
I just don't assign meaning
to money or things, you know?
I just, uh, keep myself
in peak condition,
so I'm ready for adventure.
You know, the elation,
jumping out of an airplane.
Or... Or the ecstasy of...
of the conquest of reaching
the very top of the snow
peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.
Or... Or the thrill of
swimming with the sharks
in South Africa.
You know, these...
these are the things that I live for.
You know what all those
things have in common?
- What?
- White people.
[MILES LAUGHS]
I knew I was gonna get him.
Mm, yep, yep, there it is,
there it is, right there.
I knew it.
Yep, just like I thought.
You got a crack, but it
ain't leaking through yet.
I'm going to run to the
store and get some supplies.
I'm gonna come back tomorrow morning
- and patch it all up for you, alright?
- Right, yeah.
But if y'all are not
doing nothing tonight,
why don't you swing by?
- I'm having a little get-together.
- Yeah?
Okay, yeah, I got this
fine chick coming to.
She got a glass leg with Kool-Aid in it.
You might like that.
What?
[BOTH LAUGH]
[SCOFFS]
I can't believe he's acting
like a servant for her.
Uh, I think he's just
trying to be a gentleman.
You were the one that told
him to treat her like a queen.
That's when I thought
it was a black queen.
You are being really
hypocritical right now.
You just don't understand.
I'm trying to get this dance
down, but I just can't.
Really? It's easy.
I'll show you. Look.
It's like an angry pirate processor.
Here's how you do it.
[BOTH LAUGH]
You got it.
Keep going.
You were the one that told
him to show her those moves.
I know what I said! I
was there when I said it.
Give me this.
Sorry to barge in on you guys.
So, we noticed that Tray
just left your apartment,
and we were wondering.
Did you notice anything missing?
No. Why?
Okay, so, something happened
that's gonna make me
sound racist. [CHUCKLES]
But I mean, you of all
people know I'm not racist.
I mean, come on, I have a
picture of Colin Kaepernick
as my screensaver.
- Luna.
- What?
What's your point?
I think that Tray may have
accidentally stolen my phone.
Have you asked him if he has it?
No, I can't ask him that.
Then I would sound racist.
MILES: Why not use
the Find My iPhone app?
We can find its location, make it ring.
If it's on his person, we'll hear it.
Ooh! That's a good idea.
Okay, um, how can we do that?
We just need to get inside
his apartment somehow.
Well, he has that, uh, party
tonight. We can all go.
Yeah. I guess he can't kill all of us.
Okay, Isis, you just
got mad at me for that.
What? Paul was thinking it, too.
This guy was thinking the same thing.
[CHUCKLES]
[BABY COOS]
SHAY: I'm embarrassed
about the way I acted.
Symone's a nice girl.
It's just hard for me to understand why
Shahzad wouldn't want
to be with a girl that
looks like his mother.
Well, why don't you
go ask him, you know?
I'm sure he's still up.
♪♪
You know what?
I will.
Thanks.
♪♪
[BOTH LAUGHING]
SHAHZAD: You find the best videos.
I love hanging out with you.
I love hanging out with you.
[CHUCKLES] I got to go.
I'll see you tomorrow at school.
So...
did you have fun today?
Yeah, I did.
Thank you, Ma.
For everything.
You're welcome.
Um, let me ask you something.
What do you see in Symone?
Don't get me wrong. I like her.
I'm just curious as to
what you like about her.
Well, she's not like other girls.
She doesn't care about
looking cute all the time.
She knows she's pretty without makeup.
[LAUGHS] She's funny.
I can talk to her about a lot of things.
She's smart.
She's nice to everyone.
But tough when she needs to be, too.
Actually, Ma, she kind
of reminds me of you.
♪♪
Son, that's why I like her, too.
- Good night.
- Good night.
♪♪
[CELLPHONE KEYBOARD CLICKING]
You're bringing your baby
to a housewarming party?
Oh, uh, he missed his nap today,
so he's gonna be up for a while.
- Okay.
- At least Laura and Max will get some sleep.
- Okay.
- Okay, I'm gonna turn on the alert.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
[CELLPHONE PINGING]
Hmm. It's saying it's right here.
[PINGING CONTINUES]
Oh, no, no, no.
I didn't... I didn't take it. I swear.
Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.
Oh, okay.
Well, look at what Ace took.
[GASPS] Ooh, ooh, ooh! Thief!
- Thief!
- I'm so sorry.
Uh, he must've taken it off the counter.
He's in a very grabby stage.
You guys, we almost
just made a huge mistake.
The only mistake would've
been getting stuck
- at this stupid party.
- [CHUCKLES]
Yo, what's up? Y'all made it.
Come on.
♪♪
- So primal.
- I know it is.
That's a beef patty
between that girl's legs.
She could make a Sprite can
disappear with her mouth.
It's on Google. Check it out.
♪♪
Hey, listen!
I really appreciate y'all
coming out like this.
Okay, most of the time when you
move into a new neighborhood,
your neighbors are usually suspicious
or very judgmental of you.
But not y'all.
You've been treating
me good since I met you.
That's friendship, and I need it,
and I don't want to get
too sentimental here,
so that's why I'm
gonna turn the music on.
It's right over there.
I got some music, y'all.
Let's get down.
I want to see somebody
do the Funky Chicken.
Somebody do it!