The Last Man on Earth (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 6 - A Real Live Wire - full transcript

Previously on
The Last Man on Earth...

Did you ask the group

if they wanted some bacon?

Crickets are alive!

TANDY:
They're all eatin' bugs, man.

Why did I have to dress
the dummy in Gordon's clothes?

(sobbing)

I'm sick and tired of
you hitting on Carol!

TANDY:
All the evidence is gone.

Todd, do you have anything
you want to tell us?

The fat guy ate
the bacon! (sobbing)



(whispers):
Thanks, man.

Fist bump?

Bump.

(blow-dryer stops)

(clicking)

(to "The Heat Is On"):
♪ The heat is off ♪

♪ Of this waffle maker ♪

♪ Friggin' plug is in ♪

♪ But the heat is off ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Better check that
wakka wakka wakka wakka ♪

♪ Generator ♪

♪ Friggin' gas gauge broke ♪

♪ The gas gauge bro-oke ♪



♪ It says half full ♪

♪ But the sucker's on empty ♪

♪ Gonna pour this ga-a-a-a-as ♪

♪ In... ♪
What?

♪ Gas looks weird ♪

♪ It's friggin' super clumpy ♪

♪ Like a ghost took a dump ♪

♪ Into this gas can ♪

(motor fails)
♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪

♪ I'll eat you raw ♪

♪ I'll eat you ra-haw ♪

♪ Who needs heat? ♪

♪ I'll eat a liquid waffle ♪

♪ Ooh, hoo ♪

♪ This waffle,
wakka wakka wakka wakka ♪

(slurping)

♪ Sucks. ♪

(hammering nearby)

Phil! Will you hold it down
out there?

I'm trying to concentrate.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna try

and fix your stuff
more quietly now.

(laughs): Nice!

Lifting the bricks
is the hardest part.

MELISSA:
Yeah, I imagine your fingers

must still be pretty slippery

from all the friggin'
bacon grease.

Aw, come on, Melissa,
how many times do I have to say

I'm sorry?
TANDY: Wait,
you're sorry?

That's funny,
I thought your name was Todd.

Boom, still got it.

(chuckles) So, uh, what's
going on out here, huh?

Playing a little gold bar Jenga?
Little GBJ?

You want to join us?
Well, I'd love to,

but I got a little gas situation
on my hands. Hey, Phil,

could you check
this out for me?

You have knowledge
of this kind of bull-crap.

Look at this.

OTHERS:
Ew.

Yep, it's gone bad.

Gas goes bad?

(chuckles):
I told you this a million times.

Nobody remembers this?

No, I remember, but, you know,
just for those

who might not
have been paying attention

at the time-- shame on you--

you know, maybe run
over it one more time,

just the ABCs of it?

Unbelievable.

Gas lasts about three years.

Three years.
Yep, I remember that.

Diesel lasts a year or two
longer than gas.

One or two... more. yeah.

And then there's jet fuel...
Fuels jets.

...which lasts longer
than diesel

but still has
an expiration date.

Date when it expires.

None of these are
long-term solutions.

Nobody remembers this?

Well, you know what?

I'm glad this is happening.

Because now you finally realize

that Malibu is
the worst place we could be.

Shut your ever-loving tongue!
(others speaking angrily)

Phil, you are such a crank!

Why can't you appreciate
where you are

for once?
You know what I appreciate?

Food. And fresh water.

And there's very
little of that here.
And now that the gas

has gone bad, it's gonna be very
tough to find fresh supplies.

All right,
so what do you suggest, Phil?

We need to go
to a more livable place, guys.

We are not moving.
We love Malibu.

Look, guys, there comes a point
where we need to decide

whether we continue
to live for today,

or actually plan for tomorrow.

You know, Phil might be right.

Malibu's good for now, but what
about when we start having kids?

Well, let's just
not have kids, then.

ERICA:
Yeah, I'm good with that.

Okay, so it's decided--
no kids,

we're gonna live for the now,

and the now
starts now.

(chanting quietly):
YOLO. YOLO.

(growing louder):
YOLO. YOLO.

YOLO! YOLO!

YOLO! YOLO! YOLO! YOLO! YOLO!

(groans)

You know, I'm-I'm really tired
of doing all the work out here.

Maybe I should get
a breather, huh?

Have myself a little YOLO time.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Yeah. Here's the tool belt.

You'll be just fine
without me.

ERICA:
Yep.
All right, good luck.

I thought he was
gonna take his pants off.

I am so thrown
for a loop.

I thought
everyone wanted

to have babies.

Hey, don't worry, Care Bear.
They'll come around.

I don't know.

You heard Phil.

Nobody wants to raise a baby
in the wastelands of Malibu.

Maybe we should move.
Hey, what if

I was to whip this place
into shape?

How you gonna do that?

Phil's not the only one
around here

with skills to pay the bills.

You gonna pay the bills
with your skill set?

I'm gonna try.

I think that's a
great idea, Phil.

You know, it could gain
some points with the group.

I'm not trying to gain points--
that sounds gross.

I'm trying to earn points.
There's a big difference.

Well, I can see
the difference.

And I think soon the
others will, too.

I mean, Todd
already has, huh?

Yeah.

It's so nice to see the two
of you fisting each other again.

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

You keep this up,

pretty soon you'll be fisting
the whole community.

Hope to.

Hey, buddy.

What's all this?

Ah. Well, you know,

since it seems like we're
committing to Malibu here,

and Phil's out on strike,
thought I'd take it upon myself

to give her
a little makeover.

Solar panels, huh?

Yeah, let's get a little power
in this tower, huh?

(chuckles):
Yeah.

Little wattage in this cottage.

Little sizzle in the hizzle.

(chuckles):
Love it.

Ah. Well, you need a hand?

No, got two already,
but I'd love some company.

Well, then you got
some company.

You're not just company, bud,
you're a whole corporation.

That's not a weight crack,
by they way,

that's speaking of the size
of your friendship.
Well,

you're a corporation, too, and
I am talking about your weight.

Ha! It's good to have you back.
I've missed this.

I have, too.
Yeah.

So, uh, you know how
to install these things?

Well, you know, I watched Phil
put 'em up in Tucson,

and I got the general gist--
you know, you just

throw these suckers out
where the sun hits 'em,

and that's gonna send
a little juice into
that wire and, uh,

plug that into something,
and then, zap, electricity.

Well, good, good.

That's great.

Something on your mind, bud?

Yeah, I'm-I'm a little bummed

about Melissa not wanting
to have babies.

You know, I thought
we were on the same page there.

I think
she's still a little upset

about the whole bacon thing.
Then you know what?

Why don't you jump in here?
A little community consciousness

could just change
your fortunes, huh?

Women love a doer.

Thanks, man.
Hey, you see
something over there

that looks like something
that wire would plug into?

I don't. I think
just this...

empty cardboard box.

(chuckles): Yeah.
Well, I don't think that's it.

(laughs):
No.

Does it have, like,
a little plug-sized hole

or anything?
No. I-I think it's just the
box that the panels came in.

Yeah, that's
what I thought. Yeah.

Oh, look, says here
you got to plug it
into a junction box.

Oh, do we have a junction box?

I don't know
what that is.
Huh.

And we're sure
it's not that cardboard box?

I-I don't think so.

(chuckles):
Yeah. I don't, either.
(laughs)

Well, maybe we should
pick one of those up, huh?

Yeah. That's a pretty good call.
Yeah?

Want to go get some food first?

I could eat.
Okay, great.
Well, then food,

junction box store,
then we light this mother up.

Bam. Ha-ha!

(slaps Todd's behind)
Whoa!

Got me.
Got to stay on your toes.

TODD:
I certainly do.

(low crackling)

Yeah, should be
a pretty open-and-shut case

once we get down to beeswax.

Couple of men stretching
their wings out under the sun.

(chuckles):
Yeah.

We're gonna have it done
by nap time.

(electrical crackling)

Uh, Tandy?

I-I think we got a problem.

Well, this is

a shocking turn of events.

Boom, I still got it.

TODD:
That looks kind of dangerous.

It's definitely
in the dangerous family.

Let's give her a poke.

Careful.

Careful's my middle name, bro.

Just kidding. It's Tandy.

(electrical crackling)

Yeah, that's all
in the family.

TODD:
At least it's not stuck anymore.

At least
it's not stuck anymore.
Yeah.

Knock, knock.

Hey, Carol.

I've just been thinking
about what you said

regarding not wanting a baby,
and I have to admit,

I was a little thrown.

I'm sorry.

Well, not as sorry
as you're gonna be

if you never meet
this little guy.

Whoa. What-what is that?

This... is everything

of which you never knew
you ever dreamed.

This is what you and Todd's
baby would look like.

(high-pitched, gruff):
Mama.

Kind of puts

a little different spin
on things, doesn't it?

Mm, yeah.

That's a real game-changer.

I knew you would think so.

That's the spirit.
We can do it together.

No, I'm not bringing
a baby into this world.

There are no doctors.

We're running out
of food, and...

there are whale
carcasses everywhere.

So you want my baby
to die alone?

'Cause that's what's
gonna happen.

We're all gonna die,
and he's gonna be

75 and all alone because of you.

It's a no.
No?

Look that baby in the eyes
and tell it no.

(high-pitched, gruff):
Mama, I want to exist.

Carol, it's a no.

Okay.

Okay.

(high-pitched, gruff):
Big mistake.

(electrical crackling)

All right, Todd,
it's safe.

Now we just have to figure out

a way to get her in
that junction box.

Yeah, maybe we
should go get Phil.

I bet he'd know
what to do.

We can't get Phil. Okay?

We have a chance here
to really prove ourselves

to the community,
earn a little respect.

I want to do this for them.

Fine, okay.
What do we do?

(sighs heavily)

I don't know.

Just got to figure out a way
to cut off her food supply.

I think I have
just the idea.

CAROL:
Hey, girl.

(laughs):
Wow!

Melissa!

Am I right?

What about Melissa?

"What about Melissa?"

Come on, she's being
as stubborn as a mule

who refuses to reproduce.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna have to
side with Melissa on this one.

My sister had kids, and it
turned her nether regions

into a real war zone.

Her boobs were
like coin purses.

Well, who doesn't love
a good coin purse?

Put it in your hand
and feel all those coins?

Just feel richer and richer

the more you squeeze?
No.

I'm not gonna
have kids, Carol.

No.

Chuck me another
duvet.
Here.

Easy, buddy.

She's dancing, man.

Spitting fire.

You working with me or
against me, you freaking tape?

She is super pissed.

Quick, Tan.
In and out, man.

You got it.

I'm out of tape!

Oh, I'm not! Okay.

Ah, the tape receded!

Okay, you got it?
Got it.
I got it.

Come on, that's it.

It is complete.

Just-just
straight back, Tan.

Come to my voice.

You're home, bud.

Now we wait for her
to die of starvation.

Sweet dreams, my lady.

See you in hell.

GAIL:
Oh, Gordon, you're so handsome.

And your hair's
looking good.

(door opens)
CAROL:
Gail? Yoo-hoo!

I just thought I could...

Geez. Geez, Carol, knock!

I'm so sorry.
(sighs)
Oh.

Were you masturbating?

Yes.

I was masturbating.

Well, just curious.

Would you have been masturbating
to the idea of having a baby?

No, Carol. That
ship has sailed.

Okay.

Worth a try.
Yeah.

Yeah.
Okay.

Okay.

Maybe knock next time, Carol.

Well, I just didn't know

you were masturbating
in here all the time.

Well, now you know.
Okay.

Mm.

Are you sure
that's all the duvets?

That's all of
'em, Tandy.

The sun's still sneaking in
there somehow. I don't get it.

You know, it's-it's like
it's gotten worse

since we put
the duvets on.

Should we take the duvets off
and see if she calms down?

Ah, no, I don't think
that's a good idea.

Yeah, you're right.
You're right.

(sighs)
Okay, we're done.

What?
We're done.

No way!
Look...

What are you gonna do, man?

You know, I
wanted to do this

so I could show the community
how much I care about them.

But I... you know, if
I really care about them,

I got to do the
right thing here.

All right,
wish me luck.

Godspeed, bro.

(electrical crackling)

Sorry to interrupt, but

I really need your help.

We got a rogue wire
on our hands.

Look, this isn't the easiest
thing in the world for me, okay?

You're the last person I want
to come groveling to for help.

But I'm trying to do
what's best for the group here.

I'm busy.

Please. It's getting
really dangerous.

Well, you're on your own.

Can we not let this be
about our stuff right now?

And what stuff
would that be, huh?

Oh, come on. You know exactly
what I'm talking about.

I mean, how long is it gonna
take you to get over all this?

Over what?
Carol.

Don't go there, Tandy.

I-I don't get why she
chose me over you, either.

Okay, you're clearly
the better choice.

But one of these days, you're
gonna have to wrap your head

around it, 'cause
I'm not going away!

Okay, so, I'm sorry,
but she chose me.

Come again?
Carol... chose... me.

(grunts)
(others exclaiming)

Phil, knock it off, man!
Phil, come on!

Hey, stop it!

Not cool, man!

Tandy, are you okay?
I'm fine.

What'd you do that for?

What, are you a big man now?
Huh?

MELISSA: Yeah, pick on
someone your own size.

This is like hitting a girl!

I don't know about that.

What do you have to
say for yourself, Phil?

Where are you going?

What are you doing?

Hey!

Hey!
Hey!

Phil!
Phil!

(knocking)

Oh.

ERICA:
What do you have to
say for yourself?

Okay, then I'll start.

That was wrong, Phil.
You could have really hurt him.

Yeah, you can't do that, man.
He was just standing there.

Yeah, we all know
Tandy's a tool,

but you can't just punch up
on someone's face for that.

Yeah, being a tool is annoying,
but it's not a crime.

Okay, thank you
for the support, guys.

I, uh, disagree
with the tool stuff, but, uh,

you know, appreciate
the... the sentiment.

But, look, I provoked him, okay?

I-I didn't mean to,
but I did it, okay?

You shouldn't have punched me,

but, you know,
let's just

move on from this, okay?
GAIL: No!

You need to
be punished!

You do the crime,
you do the time.

Do you remember that, Phil?

I think we ought to make him
touch that wire.

No, we have a system
of punishment

that works-- the stocks!

Tandy did it, I did it,
and it works!

Now it's Phil's turn!

CAROL:
Well, how many days

for a person
punching someone?

We got a day for bacon.

This is much worse than bacon.

This is assault.

So, what, two days?

That sounds good.

Yeah, all right,
so two days it is.

Off to the stocks, Phil.

No.

Yeah-huh.

Nope.
TANDY:
Okay, Phil, look,

it-it seems like a fair
punishment, okay?

I mean, the-the
group has spoken,

and-and we're not gonna
negotiate with you

on this, okay?

You know, C to the T,
and... and, uh... such.

Okay, tell you what.

We'll negotiate with you
a little on this one,

but, like, just one
back and forth,

and then you got to do
whatever we land on.

Okay? So, uh, punishment-wise,
wh-what you thinking?

(chuckles)

None.

Okay, okay, I hear you.

But here's what
I'm coming back with.

Some punishment.

After everything
I've done for you guys?

Look at how crappy
this place got in the one day

that I haven't been
fixing things for you.

You can now get electrocuted
in your very own home.

Good job.

No.

I don't feel bad
I punched Tandy.

I shouldn't be punished
for something

I should have done
a long time ago.

Oh... hey!
Well... hey!

You can't just walk away!
Come back here!

This is a society!

Ridiculous!

God.

Still want
to have kids?

(smacks lips)

(sighs)

(electrical crackling)

Did you try
covering the panels?

What do we look like?

People who wouldn't try
covering the panels?

Duvets.
We tried duvets.

We tried duvets.

GAIL: And the wire's supposed
to go in one of those things?

It's called a junction
box, Gail. (scoffs)

(Phil 2 clears his throat,
Erica gasps)

Phil.
He's out.

(electrical crackling)

What's he doing?
What's he gonna do,
punch it?

On-off switch.

Shut the front door.
There's a...?

Look, I came out here 'cause
I wanted to say something.

(whispers): He's hopping
in the stocks. Watch.

I thought long and hard
about what happened yesterday,

and I finally came to my senses.

I knew it.

I'm leaving Malibu.

For good.

I knew it.
Leaving Malibu.

Said it, called it
right here. Yeah, yeah.

I can't believe he's actually
leaving. I mean, he's just

doing it. He said
he was gonna do it.

Now he's in the process
of actually doing it.

He's just, like,
loading up his car,

putting all his stuff in there.

He's gonna do it.
He's just doing it.

GAIL:
We're better off without him.

And I won't miss him

throwing it in our face, all
the stuff he's been fixin'.

What a martyr.
I know.

Yeah, I hate people like that.

It's like,
we get it, you know?

We get it.
We understand.

Uh, who does that?

Before I leave,
I have one last thing to say.

I need to apologize to somebody
who's very special to me.

Carol, I know
my actions have upset you.

And you deserve
happiness.

And for the longest time, I've
stood in the way of that, so...

I just want you to know,
I never meant to hurt you.

I just don't understand.

How could you be with Tandy?

He's a dolt.

He's dumber than
a bag of hair.

He held us all up
at gunpoint, Carol.

He threatened
to kill me.

He-he tried to cheat
on you, and he poops

in the ocean, right
in front of our beach

every damn day!

What is that?

Carol...

(laughs):
you're with the wrong guy.

But it's not too late
to change that.

As I learned
from all of you, YOLO.

You only live once.

And I want my once
to be with you.

Carol, I love you.

Will you come with me?

ERICA:
I'm pregnant, Phil.

I'm pregnant.

CHILDREN:
Uncle Stinky.

(horn honking)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH