The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (1981): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

Zaphod has stolen Disaster Area's Stuntship which is about to plunge into a sun to form the climax to one of their typically loud concerts. Marvin is chosen to sacrifice himself by teleporting the others off the ship. It is at this point that Trillian and Zaphod disappear from the story, while Arthur and Ford end up on Golgafrincham Arkship B, heading straight for Earth.

'The history of every major Galactic

'passes through three distinct
and recognisable phases:

'For instance, the first phase
is characterised by the question:

'The second by the question:

'The third by the question:

'Though it will take a large civilisation
thousands of years

'to pass through the how,
why and where phases,

'small social groupings
under stressful conditions

'can pass through these phases
with extreme rapidity thus...'

How are doing?

Shut up!

Excitement and adventure
and really wild things.

'Excitement and adventure
and really wild things

'have been dogging Arthur Dent
for some days.

'He's had his planet demolished
to make way for a hyperspace by-pass,

'and has been confronted
with the disconcerting knowledge

'that the Earth was not what it appeared,

'but was in fact a gigantic super-computer

'designed to calculate the Ultimate Question
of Life, the Universe and Everything.

'The answer to which
is now known to be:

'He and his companions
have been blasted far forward in time

'to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe,

'from which they're returning in a ship

'which could not in all honesty
be said to belong to them.

'Can they now relax for a while
and take stock?


'The ship does in fact
belong to Disaster Area,

'a plutonium rock band
whose stage act traditionally ends

'with a black stunt ship on autopilot
crashing into the heart of a nearby sun.

'Of this, however, Arthur Dent and his
companions are totally unaware.

'They decide to relax for a while
and take stock.'

Listen, Earthman, you've a job to do.

The Question to the Ultimate Answer, right?

There's a lot of loot
in that head thing of yours.

Where do we start?
The Ultimate Answer's 42.

What's the question? How should I know?
It could be anything.

What's six times seven?

- 42!
- Yes, I know that.

I'm just saying it could be anything.
Why ask me?

'Cause you were the last one!
You were there at the Big Firework!

- I wish you'd stop saying that.
- I know.

Shut up, this is organism talk.

It's printed in the Earthman's
brainwave patterns,

but I don't suppose
you'll be very interested in that.

You can read my mind?

- Yes.
- And?

It amazes me how you manage to live
in anything that small.


Ignore him, he's only making it up.

Making it up?
Why should I want to do that?

Life's bad enough as it is
without wanting to invent any more of it.

Marvin, if you knew all along,
why didn't you tell us?

- You didn't ask.
- We're asking now. What's the question?

- The Ultimate Question?
- Yes!

- Of Life, the Universe and Everything?
- Yeah!

- To which the answer is 42?
- Yeah, come on!

You're not really interested.

This ship knows
where it's going better than we do.

I could tell you weren't really interested.

- Who does this ship belong to?
- Me.

- Who does it really belong to?!
- Really me!

Property is theft, right?

Therefore theft is property,
therefore this ship is mine.

- Tell the ship that.
- Ship! This is your new owner speaking!

OK, channel 9
on power. Testing channel 15.

Channel 15, A-OK.
Now in pre-sundive position.

Put in under control
of central-stage coordination.

Ship locked into stage computer A-OK.
Stand by for sundive.

- Turn it off!
- What does sundive mean?

The ship is going to dive into the sun.

Sun. Dive.
It's very simple to understand.

What do you expect
if you steal Disaster Area's stunt ship?

Marvin, what makes you think
it's Disaster Area's stunt ship?


I parked it for them.

Then why...?

Why didn't you tell us?!

You said you wanted excitement
and adventure and really wild things.

This is awful!

That's what I said.

Hi, there, Galactic rock fans!

Fine weather for the concert this afternoon.

I'm standing here on stage in the desert,

and with my hyper-binoctic glasses

I can just make out the huge audience
on the horizon all around.

Behind me, huge speaker stacks
rise like a cliff face,

high above the sun is shining
and doesn't know what's going to hit it.

The environmentalist lobby do know
and claim the concert will cause

earthquakes, tidal waves, hurricanes
and other things they always go on about.

But I've just heard that Disaster Area
met with the environmentalists

and had them shot!

So now nothing stands in the way
of the concert going ahead today.

- Know what I'm thinking?
- I think so.

Tell me what you think I'm thinking.

- It's time to get off this ship.
- I think you're right.

I think you're right.

- How?
- Quiet, we're thinking.

So this is it? We're going to die.

I wish you'd stop saying that.

'One of the things Ford Prefect found hard
to understand about human beings

'was their habit of continually stating
and re-stating the very, very obvious, as in:

'First, Ford formed a theory to account
for this strange behaviour.

'lf human beings
don't exercise their lips, he thought,

'their mouths probably seize up.

'After a while, he abandoned this theory
in favour of a new one.

'lf they don't exercise their lips, he thought,

'their brains start working.

'In fact, this second theory is more literally
true of the Belcerebon People

'of Kakrafoon Kappa.

'The Belcerebons used to cause great
resentment amongst neighbouring races

'by being one of the most enlightened,

'and, above all, quiet civilisations
in the Galaxy.

'As a punishment for this behaviour,

'which was held to be offensively
self-righteous and provocative,

'a Galactic tribunal inflicted on them
that most cruel of all social diseases:


'Now, in order to prevent themselves
broadcasting every slightest thought

'to anyone within a five-mile radius,

'they have to talk loudly
and continuously about the weather,

'their little aches and pains,
the match this afternoon

'and what a noisy place
Kakrafoon has suddenly become.

'Another method of temporarily
blotting out their mind is to play host

'to a Disaster Area concert.'

This is it! We're starting to dive!

We're heading straight into the sun!

- How many escape capsules are there?
- None!

- You counted them?
- Twice! Raise the crew on the radio?

- I said there were people on board.
- And they said?

"Hi, there!"

- You told them who you were?
- Yeah. They said it was a great honour.

What does "teleport" mean?

What did you say?

- Probably the wrong moment.
- Where's the teleport?

Under this sign
that says "Out of order". There.

Hell's donkeys!

It seems OK. Just the automatic
where-we're-going system is cocked up.

- Who cares? Let's just go!
- Someone has to operate it manually.

- Whoever it was would... would...
- Wouldn't...


Hey, Marvin, kid!

How you doing?

Very badly, I suspect.

- How would you like to...
...lay down my life selflessly for you?

- Make the ultimate sacrifice?
- Yeah.

Consign my brain, which is the size
of a planet, to death in a blazing sun,

so that you can all pursue
your futile little lives?

Yeah. Nothing personal.
You don't count as a person, do you, kid?

All right.

- Come on, guys!
- Better all get into the teleport.

Marvin, you stupid tin can, shift it!

We really appreciate this.

I suppose some people
might expect better treatment

after having waited 576,000
million years in a car park.

But not me.

I may just be a menial robot,

but I'm far too intelligent to expect
anyone to think of me for a moment.





- Arthur!
- Ford!

- Zaph?
- Trillian? Where've they got to?

There's no reason why we should
all end up in the same place.

- Ah, well.
- Trillian?

They could be anywhere.
So could we, for that matter.


What's that?

Feet! Let's move!

- That's the way they're coming from.
- No, that's the way!

You're right!

This way!


- A funeral parlour?
- Wild!

- What's so great about dead people?
- I dunno. What is so great?

Look, a plaque.

And a serial number.

- A dead telephone sanitiser?
- Best kind.

- What's he doing here?
- Not a lot!

This one's a hairdresser.

This one's
an advertising account executive.

A second-hand car salesman, third class.

Are you sure these are coffins?
They're terribly cold.

All right! Put your hands up
and turn around slowly.

- Why isn't anyone ever pleased to see us?
- You're my prisoners.

- All right.
- Move! Move!

- Move?
- Move!

Left, right, left, right!
Keep in line! Left, right, left, right!

Left, right, one, two, three!

- Captain?
- Yes, Number Three?

I've had a sort of report-thingy
from Number One.

- Oh, dear...
- Something about finding prisoners.

Perhaps it'll keep him happy for a bit.
He's always wanted some.

- Captain, sir!
- Hello, Number One. Having a nice day?

I've brought the prisoners
from Freezer Base 7, sir.

Hello! Excuse me not getting up,
just having a quick bath.

Well, gin and tonics all round, then!
Look in the fridge, Number Three!

Certainly, sir!

Don't you want to interrogate
the prisoners, sir?

Why on Golgafrincham should I do that?

To get information out of them, sir,
find out why they came here.

No, no. I expect they just dropped in
for a quick gin and tonic, don't you?

But, sir... they're my prisoners.
Can't I interrogate them a little bit?

Oh, very well.

- Ask them what they want to drink.
- Thank you, sir.

All right.

You scum!

- You vermin!
- Steady on, Number One!

What do you want to drink?

Gin and tonic sounds
very nice to me. Arthur?


With ice or without?

With, please.


Yeah. Do you have any of those
little biscuits, the cheesy ones?

I'm asking the questions.

Number One, push off, will you?

I'm trying to take a relaxing bath.

May I respectfully remind you that you've
been in that bath for over three years?

Well, one needs to relax a lot
in a job like mine.

Can I just...?

Could I just ask you what your job is?

- Your drinks.
- Thanks.

- I couldn't help noticing the bodies.
- Bodies?

Dead telephone sanitisers
and account executives.

They're not dead, no! They're just frozen.
They'll be revived.

- You've a hold full of frozen hairdressers?
- Millions of them.

Hairdressers, tired TV producers,
insurance salesmen, personnel officers.

Security guards, public relations executives.

Management consultants.
We're going to colonise another planet.

- What?
- Exciting, isn't it?

- With that lot?!
- Don't misunderstand me.

We're just one of the ships
of the Ark Fleet. We're the B Ark.

Excuse me, could you run
a little more hot water for me?

- Yes, sure.
- Thanks.

- What's a B Ark?
- Well, our planet was doomed.

- Doomed?
- Yes, so everybody said,

Let's pack the whole population
into giant spaceships

and settle on another planet.
- A less doomed one?

Precisely. So it was decided
to build three gigantic ships.

Three gigantic Arks in space.

The idea was that into the first ship
would go all the brilliant leaders, scientists,

the great artists, you know, all the achievers.

Into the third ship would go all the people
who do the actual work,

who make things and do things.

Then into the B ship-that's us -
would go everyone else, the middlemen.

Of course, we were sent off first.

- What was wrong with your planet?
- It was doomed.

Apparently it was going to blow up
or crash into the sun or something.

That's not what I was told.

My commander swore
that the entire planet was about to be eaten

by a mutant star goat.

- Really?
- Yes.

He said how lucky I was
to be going off in the first ship.

But they made sure
they sent all you lot off first, anyway.

Oh, yes! And everyone said -
very nice I thought -

how important for morale to feel
that they were arriving on another planet

where you could get a good haircut
and where the phones were clean.

Yes. I can see that'd be very important.

- Can you?
- Sh!

And the rest of the ships
followed on after you?

Funny you should mention that,

'cause curiously enough
we haven't heard a peep out of them

since we left five years ago,
yet they must be behind us somewhere.


Unless they're all eaten by the goat?

The goat!

Funny... Now that I come to tell
the story to someone else...

Don't you find it a bit odd, Number Three?

- Well...
- It is a bit odd, isn't it?

- It's odd.
- Yes, well...

I can see you've a lot to talk about.
So thanks for the drink.

Could you drop us off
at the nearest convenient planet?

That's a little difficult, you see.

Our trajectory thingy was pre-set
before we left Golgafrincham.

I think it was partly due to the fact
I'm not really very good at figures.

You mean...

We're stuck here on this ship?

When are you going to arrive at this planet?

We're nearly there. Nearly there.

I should be out of this bath, in fact...

Oh, why stop just when I'm enjoying it?

- We are about to land, then?
- Not exactly land, no.

As far as I remember,
we were programmed to crash on it.


Some reason for it, but for the life of me
I can't remember what it was.

You're all a load of useless bloody loonies!

Yes, that was it! That was the reason!

'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy
has this to say about Golgafrincham:

the remaining useless third crash-landed

'into the prehistoric dawn
of a small blue-green planet

'at the unfashionable end
of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy.'

It's odd, isn't it?

'With them are Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect.

'They, too, have been travelling widely
in distant lands.

'Something is bothering them.'

It's very, very odd.

There is one way to find out, of course.

- What, you mean by going to...?
- Yes.

All right.

I said it was odd.

Yes, I remember you saying.

I can hardly believe it.

I find it very easy to believe things.

I wonder how the Golgafrinchans are doing?

Do you?

All right! I'd like to call this meeting
to some sort of order, if possible.

- Fancy a light trim, sir?
- Not now, I'm in the bath!

- Anyone else like one?
- Please, we're trying to have a meeting.

- If you'd all care to look at the agenda.
- Hello!


Who's that?

Remember me?

I... I made a discovery...
I'd like to tell you about.

- Is it on the agenda?
- Agenda?

Sorry, but speaking
as a management consultant,

I must insist on the importance
of the committee structure.

- On a prehistoric planet?
- Address the chair!

- There isn't a chair, only a rock.
- Call it a chair.

Why not call it a rock?

Will you two shut up?!

- I want to table a motion.
- Boulder a motion, you mean!

Thank you, I made that point.

- Order, order!
- If I could just say...

Order, order!

I would like to call to order the 573rd meeting

of the colonisation committee
of the planet of Fintlewoodlewix.

This is futile! 573 meetings
and you haven't even discovered fire yet!

If you care to look at the agenda,

we are having a report from the Hairdressers'
Fire Development Sub-committee.

That's me.

That's you?

What have you done?

Well... they gave me a couple of sticks.

Yes. And?

Curling tongs?

You're going to die out, you know that?

You are obviously being totally naive!

When you've been in marketing
as long as I have,

you know that before any new product
can be developed

it has to be properly researched.

We've got to find out what people want
from fire, how they relate to its image...

- Stick it up your nose!
- Precisely what we need to know.

Do people want fire
that can be fitted nasally?

And the wheel! What about this wheel thing?

They say it's a fascinating project.

We're having a little difficulty there.

Difficulty? It's the single simplest machine
in the entire Universe!

All right, Mr Wiseguy! You're so clever,
you tell us what colour it should be!

O Mighty Zarquon!

- Has no one done anything yet?
- Yes!

I have declared war on the next continent.

Declared war? There's no one living there.

Yes. But there will be one day.

- So we've left an open-ended ultimatum.
- What?

And blown up a few military installations.

- Military installations, Number Two?
- Yes, sir.

Well, potential military installations.

All right, trees.

And we interrogated a gazelle.

And one of our surviving film producers
rescued a camera from the wreckage.

He wants to make a documentary
about you, Captain.

That's awfully nice.

Yes, he's got a really strong angle on it.

The burden of responsibility,
the loneliness of command...

I wouldn't overstress that angle.

After all, one's never alone
with a rubber duck.

If we could move on
to the subject of fiscal policy?

Fiscal policy?

How can you have money
if none of you produces anything?

It doesn't grow on trees.

But since we decided
to adopt the leaf as legal tender,

we have all of course
become immensely rich.

But we have run into a small inflation
problem owing to high leaf availability.

That means the current rate
is something like

three major deciduous forests
buy one ship's peanut.

In order to obviate this problem
and revalue the leaf,

we've decided on
an extensive campaign of defoliation

and burn down all the forests.

- I think that's a sensible move, don't you?
- Fiscally shrewd! Fiscally shrewd!

You're mad, you know that, don't you?

Is it appropriate to inquire
what you've been doing all this time?

You and that other interloper,
missing for months?

We've been travelling.


We've been trying to find out
something about this world.

That does not sound
very productive to me. No.

Well, have I got news for you!

It doesn't matter a pair
of fetid dingos' kidneys what you do.

Burn down the forests.
It won't make a scrap of difference.

You see, I've seen the future.

Two million years you've got,
and that's it!

At the end of that time, your race
will be dead. Gone. And good riddance.

Remember that. Two million years.

Strange chap.
What about those documentary things?

Just time for another bath!

Sponge, somebody!

No, no, no! Honestly!

"Y" scores five, and it's on
a triple word score. I explained the rules.

No, no, please!

Put down the jawbone.

All right, we'll start again.
Please try and concentrate this time.

Hi, Arthur, what are you doing?

I'm trying to teach them Scrabble.

It's uphill work. The only word they know
is "Ugh", and they can't spell it.

- What's the point in that?
- To make them evolve.

Imagine a world descended
from those cretins over there!

- We don't have to, we've seen it.
- But honestly!

We've seen it. There's no escape.

- Did you tell them what we discovered?
- What?

Norway. Slartibartfast's signature
on the glacier.

- What'll that mean to them?
- It means this is the Earth!

- My home. Where I was born.
- Was?

- Will be.
- In two million years' time.

Tell them that and see what they say.
They'll chase you up a tree! Face it...

Those zeebs over there are your ancestors.
Your Scrabble board won't save your race.

The human race is currently standing
around a bath making documentaries!

- Surely we can do something?
- It's all been done, we've seen it.

You know the history of the Earth
and its demolition by the Vogons.

You can't change anything.

And all because the Golgafrinchans
arrived here on their B Ark!

Ah, well.

Poor bloody cavemen!

It's all been a waste of time for you, hasn't it?

Out-evolved by a telephone sanitiser!

- He's pointing at the Scrabble board.
- Probably spelt "library" with one R.

No, he hasn't.

No, look!

The experiment! 42!

Deep Thought's answer to the Ultimate
Question of Life, the Universe and whatever!

Everything! 42!

Of course! The experiment to find
the question to that answer.

It's going on all around us, here.

The Earth. The ground. The trees.

The water. The rocks. The cavemen.

Terrific! We've cocked it up.

The Golgafrinchans, us,
just by arriving here.

The caveman is part of the program,
and they're dying out because of us.

Therefore, no question.

- What about my brain?
- What about your brain?

Marvin said the question was printed
in my brainwave patterns.

- Wrong question. It's still cocked-up.
- It might give us a clue.

If it's in your brain,
how are we going to get at it?

How about... if it's in my brain,
and I can't reach it,

suppose we introduce some random element

- Shaped by the brainwave patterns?
- Such as?

Pulling out letters from the Scrabble bag.

- Brilliant!
- Right!

Right. First four letters.

W... H... A... T. What.

Great. It's working.

D... O... Y...

Doy. Doyo!

U... G... Doyoug?

Ah! E... T...

Do you get.
What do you get...


Y... O... U... M... U...


P... Multiply!

S... I... x...

Six... by...

N... I... N... E. Nine!

Six... by... nine.

Is that it?

That's it.

Six by nine? 42...?

I always said there was something
fundamentally wrong with the Universe.

All for that!


It's very sad, you know.

Just at the moment
it's a very beautiful planet.

It is. It is indeed.

The rich primal greens.

The river snaking off into the distance.

The burning forests.

And then in two million years,
BANG! It gets destroyed by the Vogons.

What a life for a young planet
to look forward to!

What a waste!

Well, better than some.

I read of one planet up in the 7th Dimension

got used as a ball
in inter-Galactic bar billiards,

got potted straight into a black hole,
killed 10 billion people.

Madness, total madness!

Only scored thirty points, too.

Where did you read that?
Hm? A book.

- What book?
- The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.

That thing!