The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (1981): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

Arthur, Ford, Trillian and Zaphod travel in time by way of an exploding computer to Milliways, the Restaurant at the end of the Universe. Here people can enjoy a good meal while watching the end of all things. They soon discover that Marvin has been waiting for them for 5376000 million years. The paranoid android has taken a job parking spaceships, and Zaphod once again feels the need to swipe himself a new ride.

'The story so far.

'In the beginning,
the Universe was created.

'This has made a lot of people
very angry

'and been widely regarded
as a bad move.

'Many races believe that it was
created by some sort of god,

'though the Jatravartid people

'of Viltvodle VI firmly believe
that the entire Universe

'was, in fact,
sneezed out of the nose

'of a being called
the Great Green Arkleseizure.

'The Jatravartids,
who live in perpetual fear

'of the time they call The Coming
of the Great White Handkerchief,

'are small blue creatures
with more than 50 arms each,

'who are therefore unique

'in being the only race in history

'to have invented the aerosol
deodorant before the wheel.

'However, the Great Green
Arkleseizure theory

'was not widely accepted

'outside Viltvodle VI,

'and so one day,
a race of hyperintelligent

'pan-dimensional beings

'built themselves a gigantic
super-computer called Deep Thought

'to calculate, once and for all,

'the answer to the ultimate question
of Life, the Universe

'and Everything.

'For seven and a half million years,

'Deep Thought computed
and eventually announced

'that the answer was, in fact, 42,

'and so another even bigger computer
had to be built

'to find out
what the actual question was.

'And this computer,
which was called the Earth,

'was so large that it was
frequently mistaken for a planet,

by the strange, ape-like beings

'who roamed its surface

'totally unaware
that they were simply part

'of a gigantic computer program.

'This is very odd, because without
that obvious piece of knowledge,

'nothing that happened on Earth

'could possibly
make the slightest bit of sense.

'However, at the critical moment
of read-out,

'the Earth was
unexpectedly demolished

'to make way
for a new hyperspace by-pass,

'and the only native Earth people
who survived the demolition

'are now being shot at

'behind a computer bank

'on the lost planet of Magrathea,

'along with their strange companions
from Betelgeuse,

'who are currently singing
a Betelgeuse death anthem

'on the very sensible grounds
that they are about to die.

'This is what the computer bank
is about to do.

'And the time
at which it is going to do it

'is 4.2 seconds from now.'

Good evening, madam, gentlemen.

Do you have a reservation?

- Reservation?
- Yes, sir.

Do you need a reservation
for the afterlife?

The afterlife?

Is this the afterlife?

Yeah. I mean, yeah!

I mean, yeah...

There's no way we could
have survived that blast in there.

- No.
- None at all.

I certainly didn't survive.

I was a total goner!
Wham! Bam! And that was it!

Yeah, we didn't stand a chance.

We were blown to bits -
arms and legs everywhere!

Yeah! Kerpow! Splat!

Would you care to order drinks?

Instantaneously zonked
into component molecules!

Hey, Ford, did you get that thing of
your whole life flashing before you?

Yeah! Did you get that, too?

- Oh! Your whole life!
- Yeah!

At least, I assume it was mine.

I spent a lot of time
out of my skulls.

- So...
- So what?

- Here we are, lying dead...
- Standing.

- Standing dead in this desolate...
- Restaurant.

- Standing dead in this desolate...
- Five-star restaurant.

Well, yeah.

Odd, isn't it?

Nice decor, though.

You know, it's not so much
an afterlife, more sort of apr?s vie.

Hey, you dead guys! We're missing
some ultra important thing here -

something somebody said
and we missed it!

- I said it was more apr?s vie.
- Don't you wish you hadn't? ...Ford?

- I said it was odd.
- Shrewd but dull... . Trillian?

Er... um... pass.

Would you care to discuss
the matter over drinks?

Drinks! That was it!

You see what you miss
if you don't stay alert?

If the lady and gentlemen would like
to order drinks before dinner...

Yeah, great!

...and the Universe will explode
later for your pleasure.

Wow! What sort of drinks
do you serve in this place?

I think sir has misunderstood me.

I hope not!

It is not unusual for customers

to be disorientated
by the time journey.

- Time journey?
- What time journey?

You mean...
this isn't the afterlife?


No, sir.

Then we're not... dead?


Sir is most evidently alive,

otherwise I would not attempt
to serve, sir!

Ha, ha. Then where the photon
are we?

Hey, I've sussed it!

This must be...



Yes, this is Milliways.


The Restaurant at the End
of the Universe!

- End of what?
- The Universe.

- When did that end?
- In just a few minutes, sir.

Now, if you will order drinks,

I will show you to your table
in the main part of the restaurant.

I suppose there's no chance
of a cup of tea?


'The Restaurant at the End
of the Universe

'is one of the most
extraordinary ventures

'in the entire history of catering.

'A vast time bubble has been
projected into the far future

'to the precise moment
of the End of the Universe.

'You can arrive
without prior reservation,

'because you can book

'in advance, as it were,

'when you return to your own time.

'You can visit it
as many times as you like

'and be sure of never meeting

'because of the embarrassment
this usually causes.

'You just deposit one penny in
a savings account in your own era,

'and when you arrive
at the End of Time,

'the operation of compound interest

'means that the fabulous cost
of your meal has been paid for.

'... which is why
the advertising executives

'of the star system of Bastablon
came up with this slogan:

This way, please.

Wowee! Zappo!

Incredible! The people...

the things!

The things are also people.

The people? The also people?

The lights!

The food!

The clothes!

The clothes?!

Yeah, the clothes!

The End of the Universe
is very popular.

People dress up for it.
Gives it a sense of occasion.

Hey, everybody's here. You know -
everybody who was anybody!

Hi, guys! How did you do?


Hey, Zaphod! There's an old mate
of mine. Look, see!

It's Hotblack Desiato!

See the big guy in the platinum suit?

Oh, yeah.

Wow! Did he ever make it megabig.

Bigger than the biggest thing ever -
other than me.

- Who is he?
- Hotblack Desiato?

You never heard of Disaster Area?

- No.
- The biggest, loudest...

- Richest...
- Rock band in the history of...

- History itself!
- Yeah!


We're at the End of the Universe

and you haven't even lived yet!
Hey, did you miss out!

Hey, waiter, bring me volume three
of the wine list.

Hey, Hotblack!

How you doing? Great to see you,
big boy! How's the noise?

You are looking great!

Really very, very fat and unwell.

Remember the old days?

Wow! We used to hang out!

The Bistro Illegal, remember?

The Evildrome Boozarama?

Slim's Throat Emporium?

Great days, eh?

When we were hungry,
we'd pose as health inspectors

and confiscate meals and drinks,
and get food poisoning!

And you were up all night trying to
write songs, and we all hated them!

You didn't care, but we did
because we hated them so much.

You said you didn't want to be a star

because you despised
the star system,

and we said we didn't think you had
the option. And what do you do now?

You BUY star systems!

Here is a guy who buys star systems!

What's that number you do? That
really huge one? How does it go?

Er... da... da... da... something.

And in this stage act, it ends with
the ship crashing right into the sun

and you actually DO it!

I mean, ship... sun... bang!

I mean, forget lasers.

You guys are into solar flares
and real sunburn,

and terrible songs!

Yeah! Let's have a drink!



Kid. Beat it!

Who are you?

I'm the guy
that's telling you to beat it,

before it gets beaten for you.

Now, listen,

I am one of Hotblack's oldest friends

and I...

And I am Mr Desiato's bodyguard

and I'm responsible for his body,

and I am not responsible for yours,

so take it away
before it gets damaged!

Now, wait a minute...

No minutes.

No waiting.

Mr Desiato speaks to no one.

Well, perhaps you'd better
let him speak for himself.

He speaks to no one.

Oh, why? What's the matter with him?

'The Hitchhiker's Guide
To The Galaxy notes that:

Oh, hi, there, Ford. Did you talk
to your big-noise friend?

Hot... Hotblack?
Yeah, I sort of spoke to him, yeah.

Well, what did he say?

- Er... not a lot. He's, um...
- Yeah?

Spending a year dead
for tax reasons.

Oh, yeah? Neat!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Universe as we know it
has been in existence

for 170,000 million billion years,

and will be ending
in a little over ten minutes' time.

So, welcome one and all
to Milliways,

the Restaurant at the End
of the Universe!

I am your host for this evening,
Max Quordlepleen,

and I have come straight from
the very, very other End of Time,

where I've been hosting a show
at the Big Bang Burger Bar,

where we had a very exciting
evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and I will be with you

right through
this tremendous historic occasion -

the end of history



now, ladies and gentlemen,

take your places at the table.

The candles are lit,
the band is playing,

and as the force-shielded dome
above us slides apart

revealing a dark and sullen sky

hung with the ancient light
of livid, swollen stars,

I can see we are in for
a fabulous evening's apocalypse!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,

I'll be back again in a moment.

Would you all like to see the menu,

or would you care to meet
the dish of the day?

- Meet?
- What is it?

It's an Amiglion Major cow.
I'll bring him over.

OK, we'll meet the meat. That's cool!

Beugh... A-hem...

Good evening, madam and gentlemen,

I am the main dish of the day.

May I interest you
in parts of my body?


Oh, well.

Something off my shoulder, perhaps?

- Braised in a white wine sauce?
- Your shoulder?!

Well, naturally mine, sir.

Nobody else's is mine to offer!

The rump is very good, sir.

I have been exercising
and eating plenty of grain,

so there's a lot of good meat there.

Or a casserole of me, perhaps?

You mean this animal
actually wants us to eat it?

Me? I don't mean anything.

It's the most revolting thing

- I've ever heard!
- What's the problem?

I don't want to eat an animal
that's inviting me to!

It's better than eating an animal
that doesn't want to be eaten.

That's not the point.

Well, maybe it is the point.

I don't want to talk about it.

I'll have a green salad.

May I urge you, sir,
to consider my liver?

It must be very rich and tender
by now.

I have been force-feeding myself
for months.

Green salad, please.

A green salad!

Is there any reason
why I shouldn't have a green salad?

I know many vegetables that
are very clear on that point, sir,

which is why it was decided to cut
through the whole tangled problem

by breeding an animal
that actually wanted to be eaten

and was capable of saying so

clearly and distinctly.

And here I am!

A glass of water...?

Listen, we want to eat! We don't
want to make a meal of the issues.

- Four rare steaks, please.
- Very wise choice, sir.

I'll just nip off

and shoot meself.

Oh, God!

Don't worry, sir.

I'll be very humane.

What's eating you, Earthman?

Hello, ladies and gentlemen!

Is everybody having
one last wonderful time?


And now,

as the photon storms gather
in swirling clouds around us,

preparing to tear apart
the last of the red hot suns,

I hope you will all enjoy with me

what I know you will find
a tremendously exciting

and terminal experience.

Believe me, ladies and gentlemen,

there is nothing penultimate
about this one.

This one, ladies and gentlemen,

is the proverbial IT!

After this,

there is void,





Except of course
for the sweet trolley

and our fine selection
of Aldebran liqueurs!

And for once, ladies and gentlemen,

there is no need to worry about
having a hangover in the morning,

for there will be no more mornings!

And now, at the risk
of putting a damper

on this wonderful atmosphere
of doom and futility,

I'd like to welcome a few parties.

Now, do we have a party from the
Zansellquasure Flamarion Bridge Club

from beyond the Vortvoid of Qvarne?

Last bids now, and no cheating!

This is a very solemn moment!

And a party of minor deities

from the halls of Asgaard?

And a party of young Conservatives
from Sirius B?

This is all your fault, of course!

And lastly,
a party of devout believers

from the Church of the Second Coming

of the Great Prophet Zarquon.

Still waiting for the second coming.

Well, fellas, let's hope he hurries.
He's got eight minutes left!

But seriously, though,
no offence meant.

I know one shouldn't make fun
of deeply held beliefs,

so I think a great big hand
for the Great Prophet Zarquon...

...wherever he's got to!

It's marvellous to see
so many of you here tonight.

No, isn't it, though?

Because I know so many of you
come time and time again

to watch this final end
of everything,

and then return home
to your own eras

and raise families,

strive for new and better societies,

and fight terrible wars
for what you know is right.

It gives one real hope
for the whole future of lifekind...

except, of course,

we know it hasn't got one!

Excuse me, sir.

Who, me?

- Mr Zaphod Beeblebrox?
- Er, yeah.

There is a phone call for you, sir.

- Hey, what?
- Here?

Who knows where I am?

Maybe the Galactic Police
have traced you here.

So they can arrest me
over the phone?

Could be. I'm a pretty
dangerous dude when cornered.

Yeah, you go to pieces so fast,
people get hit by the shrapnel!

- Hey, what is this? Judgement Day?
- Is it that as well? Terrific!

Who's the cat on the phone?
Pass the wine, Ford.

I am not personally acquainted
with the metal gentleman, sir...


...but am informed
he has been awaiting your return

for a considerable number
of millennia.

You left here
somewhat precipitately.

Left here? We've only just arrived!

Indeed, sir,

but before you arrived here,
you left.

You're saying
that before we arrived here,

we left here?

That is what I said, sir.

Put your analyst
on danger money, baby!


Where exactly is here?

The planet Magrathea, sir.

But we just left there.

We're at the Restaurant at the End
of the Universe, I thought!

Precisely, sir.

The one was constructed
on the ruins of the other.

Ah, I see! So you mean we've
travelled in time but not in space?

You semi-evolved simian!
Go climb a tree!

Go bang your heads together,
four eyes!

No, no. Your monkey has got it right.

You jumped forward
many millions of years in time

whilst retaining
the same position in space.

Your friend has been awaiting you
in the meantime.

Marvin! It must be Marvin!

The paranoid android!

Space cookies! Hand me
the rap rod plate, captain!

I beg your pardon, sir?

The phone, waiter!

You guys are so unhip, it's a wonder
your bums don't fall off!

The phone, sir.

Hi, Marvin. How are you doing?

I think you ought to know

I'm feeling very depressed.

Yeah? We're having a great time -
wine, food,

and the Universe going foom!

Where are you, Marvin?

You don't have to pretend
to be interested in me, you know.

I know perfectly well
I'm only a menial robot.

Yeah, but where are you?

"Reverse primary thrust, Marvin,"

that's what they say to me.

"Open airlock number three, Marvin.

"Marvin, can you pick up
that piece of paper?"

Here I am,
brain the size of a planet,

picking up a piece of paper!

Yeah. Marvin...

But I'm quite used
to being humiliated.

I can even go and stick my head

in a bucket of water if you like.

I mean, if that's what
you really want.

Would you like me to stick my head
in a bucket of water?

- I've got one ready.
- Marvin, um...

What's he saying, Zaphod?

Nothing. He just phoned
to wash his head at us.

Marvin, will you please tell us
where you are!

- I'm in the car park.
- What are you doing in the car park?

Parking cars. What else
does one do in a car park?

OK, stay there.
I'll be down in a minute.

That makes two of us.

Come on, guys, let's go!
Marvin's down in the car park.

What's he doing there?

Parking cars, what else, dum-dum?
Come on, let's go!

Now, an interesting effect
to watch for

is in the upper left-hand quadrant
of the sky,

where you can see
the star system of Hastromil

boiling away into the ultraviolet.

Anyone here from Hastromil?

Well, it's too late to worry about

whether you left
the gas on at home now!

There he is! Marvin!

Hey, Marvin, kid,
are we pleased to see you!

No, you're not! No one ever is.

Suit yourself.

No, Marvin, really we are!


Hanging around waiting for us
all this time!

The first ten million years
were the worst.

And the second ten million,

they were the worst, too.

The third ten million
I didn't enjoy at all.

After that,
I went into a bit of a decline.

Poor old Marvin!

It's the people you meet in this job
who really get you down.

The best conversation I had

was over 34 million years ago.

Oh, dear.

And that was with a coffee machine.

Hey, Zaph, look at this baby.

The tangerine star buggy
with black sun busters.

Hey, get this number.

Multicluster Quark drive
with perspulax running boards!

This has got to be
a Lazlar Lyricon custom job.

I was passed by one of these mothers
out by the Axel Nebula.

I was going flat out and this thing
just strolled past me!

- It was incredible!
- Too much!

Ten seconds later

it smashed straight
into the third moon of Jaglan Beta.

Great-looking ship, though.

Looks like a fish, moves
like a fish, steers like a cow.

Yeah, that really is bad
for the eyes!

It's so black! You can hardly see it.
Light just falls into it.

Hey, feel this surface!

Yeah... Hey, you can't!

It's just totally frictionless!

This must be one mother of a mover.

Well, what do you reckon, Ford?

You reckon we should just stroll off
with it? Do you think we should?

- No.
- Neither do I.

- Let's do it.
- OK.

We'd better hurry. In a few seconds,
the Universe will end,

and all those creeps will come
for their bourgemobiles.

Hey, Zaph. How do you get into it?

Just don't spoil
a beautiful idea, Ford.

- Maybe the robot can figure it out!
- Hey, Marvin!

We've got a job for you.

I won't enjoy it.

Yes, you will. There's a whole new
life stretching out in front of you!

- Oh, not another one!
- Shut up and listen!

There'll be excitement and adventure
and really wild things!

- Sounds awful.
- But, Marvin...

I suppose you want me to help you

to get into this spaceship...

Marvin, will you just listen!

...and open the door for you.


Er... Yeah.

Well, I wish you'd just tell me

rather than try to engage
my enthusiasm,

because I haven't got one.


How did you do that, Marvin?

Oh, didn't I tell you I've got
a brain the size of a planet?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Zaph,
come and have a look at this.

Hey! Weird!

It's so black.

Everything in it
is just totally black!

Well, this is very pretty,
I must say!

Yeah, I like a change of scene!

Hey! This is one ace
wonderful ship, eh, Ford!


Pity it doesn't seem to work,
isn't it?

- Ah, well.
- Hey, where are you going?

To find another ship. One
with a single red button suits me.

Hey, listen, Ford. This is the most
stylish heap I have ever been in!

We are gonna make it work, OK?

YOU make it work!

I can make any ship work!

You hear that, ship?

Hey! I did it!

OK, guys, we're on our way!


Who cares where? We just go!


Ladies and gentlemen, the moment
you've all been waiting for!

The skies begin to tremble!

Nature collapses
into the screaming void!

In 15 seconds' time,

the Universe itself will be
at an end!

See where the light of infinity
bursts in upon us!

What's this? What's happening?
Who's this?

I don't believe it!

Ladies and gentlemen,
a big hand, please,

for the Great Prophet Zarquon!

Er, hello, everybody. I'm sorry
I'm a bit late. Had a terrible time.

All sorts of things cropping up
at the last moment.

How are we for time?

'One of the major selling points

'of that wholly remarkable book:

'apart from its relative cheapness,

'and the fact it has
the words "Don't Panic"

'in large friendly letters
on the cover,

'is its compendious
and occasionally accurate glossary.

'Its simplistic style

'is partly explained
by the fact that its editor,

'having to meet
a publishing deadline,

'copied the information off the back
of a packet of breakfast cereal,

'hastily embroidering it
with a few footnotes

'in order to avoid prosecution

'under the incomprehensibly tortuous
Galactic copyright laws.

'It is interesting to note
that a later and wilier editor

'sent the book backwards in time

'through a temporal warp,

'and then successfully sued
the breakfast cereal company

'for infringement of the same laws.

'Here's a sample in both headings
and footnotes:

Basically, what you're telling me
is that the ship is out of control!'

The weird colour scheme freaks me.

Every time I try to operate
one of these weird black controls,

a small black light lights up in
black to let you know you've done it.

It it some kind
of Galactic hyper hearse?

Maybe the designer had eyes that
respond to different wavelengths.

Or had no imagination!

Perhaps he was feeling
very depressed.

It's beginning to make me
feel spacesick!

We're going backwards through time.

- Now I AM going to be ill!
- We could do with some colour here.

Oh, that's better! Have you managed
to make sense of the controls?

No. We just stopped
fiddling with them.

OK, Hotblack,

the black ship's ready to crash
into the sun of Kakrafoon.

Time to get there ourselves.