The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (1981): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

Zaphod Beeblebrox is certain he's located the fabled planet of Magrathea, the richest planet of all time. Here customers could place an order to have their own dream planets constructed. Soon the 'dead planet' fires two missiles at the Starship Heart of Gold, leading Beeblebrox to deduce there must be something very valuable and hoopy worth protecting down there.

'Far back
in the mists of ancient time,

'in the great and glorious days
of the former Galactic Empire,

'life was wild, rich
and, on the whole, tax-free.

'Mighty starships plied their way

'between exotic suns,
seeking adventure and reward

'amongst the furthest reaches
of Galactic space.

'In those days, spirits were brave,
stakes were high, men were real men,

'women were real women,

'and small furry creatures
from Alpha Centauri

'were real small furry creatures
from Alpha Centauri.

'All dared to brave unknown terrors,
to do mighty deeds,

'to boldly split infinitives
that no man had split before.

'And thus was the Empire forged.

'Many men, of course,
became extremely rich,

'but this was perfectly natural
and nothing to be ashamed of,

'because no one was really poor -
at least no one worth speaking of.

'And for these
extremely rich merchants,

'life eventually became rather dull,

'and it seemed that none
of the worlds they settled on

'was entirely satisfactory.

'Either the climate wasn't quite right

'in the later part
of the afternoon...

'or the day
was half an hour too long...

'... or the sea
was just the wrong shade of pink. '

'And thus were created the conditions

'for a staggering new form
of industry -

'custom-made luxury planet building.

'The home of this industry
was the planet Magrathea,

'where vast hyperspatial
engineering works were constructed

'to suck matter
through white holes in space

'and form it into dream planets,

'lovingly made
to meet the exacting standards

'of the Galaxy's richest men.

'And so successful was this venture

'that very soon Magrathea itself
became the richest planet of all time

'and the rest of the Galaxy
was reduced to abject poverty.

'And so the system broke down.

'The Empire collapsed

'and a long, sullen silence
settled over the Galaxy...

'Magrathea itself disappeared

'and its memory soon passed
into the obscurity of legend.

'In these enlightened days,
no one believes a word of it. '

I don't believe a word of it.

Listen to me, Ford, I've found it.
I swear I've found it!

- Magrathea?
- Yeah!

- A non-existent planet.
- Yeah, er, no... Listen... it's...

Myth. Magrathea's a fairy story.

What you tell kids if you want them
to grow up to become economists.

We are currently in orbit around it!

YOU may be in orbit around it!

- Computer!
- Oh, no!

Hi, there, this is Eddie,
your shipboard computer,

and I'm feeling just great, guys.

I'll get a bundle of kicks out
of any program you care to run!

- Is this necessary?
- Computer, what is our trajectory?

A real pleasure, fella!

We are currently in orbit
at an altitude of 300 miles

around the legendary planet
Magrathea. Golly!

Proving nothing. I wouldn't trust
that computer to speak my weight!

- I can do that!
- No, thank you

I can even work out your personality
problems to ten decimal places.

Take us down, Computer.
Take us down nice and low.

What's going on?

According to Zaphod,
Magrathea is this legendary planet,

which no one seriously believes in.

And now we're going to land on it.

Oh? Is there any tea
on this spaceship?

That is the planet
we're orbiting around

and that is Magrathea!
They're the same!

- Check, check, check!
- Check, check, check (!)

Can we see it at all, Computer?

- Hi, there.
- Can we see it

From up here? No way!
You wouldn't want to anyway.

It's just cold and grey
and a whole bunch of no fun.

Great! For this,
I got my ears pierced!

With half the Empire's wealth stored
on it, it can afford to look frumpy!

- I don't believe you.
- Why not?

You tend to lie a lot. I think
it's just any old dead planet.

The suspense is killing me (!)

'Stress and nervous tension
are now serious social problems

'in all parts of the Galaxy,

'and it is in order
that this situation

'should not be in any way exacerbated

'that the following facts
will now be revealed in advance.

'The planet in question is,
in fact, Magrathea.

'The missile attack
shortly to be launched

'by an ancient
automatic defence system

'will merely result
in the breakage of three coffee cups

'and a mouse cage,
the bruising of someone's upper arm

'and the untimely creation
and demise of a bowl of petunias...

'and an innocent sperm whale.

'In order that some sense of mystery
should still be preserved,

'no revelation will yet be made

'concerning whose upper arm
has been bruised.

'This fact may safely be made
the subject of suspense

'since it is
of no significance whatsoever.

'Arthur's next question
is very complex and difficult

'and Zaphod's answer is wrong
in every important respect. '

Is it safe?

Of course! It's been dead
for five million years.

Greetings to you.

Computer, what's this?

A five-million-year-old holotape
being broadcast at us.

This is a recorded announcement

as I'm afraid we're all out
at the moment.

The Commercial Council
of Magrathea...

- A voice from ancient Magrathea!
- OK, OK!

...regrets that the entire planet
is temporarily closed for business.

Thank you.

Leave your name

and the address of the planet
where you can be contacted

when you hear the tone.

They want us to leave.
What do we do?

- We keep going. Got that, Computer
- Got it!

It is most gratifying

that your enthusiasm for our planet
continues unabated...

and so we would like to assure you
that the guided missiles

currently converging with your ship

are part of a special service

we extend to all
of our most enthusiastic clients,

and the fully-armed nuclear warheads

are, of course,
merely a courtesy detail.

We look forward to your custom
in future lives. Thank you.

If that's their sales pitch,
what's the complaints department like?

Listen, you semi-evolved simian!
Will you crowbar this into your cranium?

We just triggered off
an ancient recording device.

- It doesn't apply to us.
- And the missiles?

Missiles? You want to make me laugh?
Show me some missiles!

I think they're going to have
a very good try at applying to us.


Terrific! They're trying to kill us!
You know what that means?

- Yes, we're going to die.
- Yeah... no... maybe...

It means there's something down
there they don't want us to have,

and if they don't want us
to have it that badly,

- I want to have it even worse.
- So there is someone down there?

No. It's automatic defence systems.

- What are we going to do?
- Just keep cool.

Is that all?

Er, no, we're also going
to take evasive action.

what evasive action can we take?

- Er, none, I'm afraid, guys.
- Or something...

There's something
jamming my guidance systems.

Impact minus 150 seconds.

Sorry. I didn't mean that.

Please call me Eddie
if it will help you relax.

Right, Computer, I want full
manual control of this ship now!

- You got it.
- But can you fly her?

- No. Can you?
- No.

- Ford?
- No.

Fine. We'll do it together.

- I can't either.
- I'd guessed.

activate the manual consoles.

Sure thing. Good luck, guys.
Impact minus 125 seconds.

Here goes!

- We're veering too far.
- She's going into a spin!

Then, dive her out of it! Dive! Dive!

'It is, of course,
more or less at this point

'that one of our heroes sustains
a slight bruise to the upper arm.

'This should be emphasised because,
as has already been revealed,

'they escape
otherwise completely unharmed,

'and the deadly nuclear missiles
do not eventually hit the ship.

'Our heroes' safety
is absolutely assured. '

Impact minus 88 seconds, guys.

You can't shake them!
We're going to die!

# When you walk through the storm

# Hold your head up high... #

Shut that bloody computer up!

Zaph, do you think
we can stabilise at XO0547

if we split our flight path

tangentially across the vector
of 9 GX 78

with a 5-degree inertial correction?

What? Yes, I expect so. Just do it!
Do you think she's bluffing?

Here goes!

Hey, where'd you learn
a stunt like that?

Going round Hyde Park Corner
on a moped.

- What?
- I'll tell you later. Hold tight.

# And you'll never walk alone... #

The missiles are gaining on us!
We are quite definitely going to die!

Hey! Why don't we use
the Improbability Drive?

Are you crazy? Without programming,
anything could happen.

Whereas, at the moment,
we just definitely die. Is that it?

Does anyone have a good reason for
not using the Improbability Drive?

It's been great getting to know
all you guys. God bless.

Does anyone have a good reason
for not using the Improb...?

- What the photon happened?
- Well, there's this switch here...

- Where are we?
- Exactly where we were, I think.

What about the missiles?

Well, according to this, they have
turned into a bowl of petunias

and a very surprised-looking whale.

At an Improbability Level
of 8,767,128 to 1 against.

- Did you think of that, Earthman?
- Well, all I did was...

That's a pretty hoopy piece
of thinking, you know that?

- It was nothing, really...
- Was it? Oh, well, forget it.

OK, Computer, take us in to land.

I say it was nothing...
Obviously, it was something.

I was just trying to say

that it's not worth making
too much of a fuss about...

saving everybody's lives...

'Another thing
that nobody made too much fuss about

'was that, against all probability,

'a sperm whale had suddenly
been called into existence

'some miles above
the surface of an alien planet.

'And since this is not a naturally
tenable position for a whale,

'this innocent creature
had very little time

'to come to terms
with its identity as a whale

'before it had to come to terms with
suddenly not being a whale any more. '

Ah! What's happening? Er, excuse me?

Who am I? Why am I here?
What's my purpose in life?

What do I mean by, "Who am I"?

Calm down! Get a grip now!

Oh, this is an interesting sensation.

It's a sort of yawning,
tingling sensation in my... my...

Well, I better start finding names
for things...

So let's call it my stomach.

So, a yawning, tingling sensation
in my stomach.

And that whistling, roaring sound?

That can be wind.

Perhaps I can find a better name
for it later...

Hey, what's this thing?

Let's call it a tail! Yeah, tail.

Hey, I can really thrash it about
pretty good, can't I? Wow! Wow! Hey!

Doesn't seem to achieve much,

but I'll probably figure out
what it's for later on.

Oh, hey, this is really exciting!

So much to find out about,
so much to look forward to,

I'm dizzy with anticipation...

What's this thing
suddenly coming towards me very fast?

Very, very fast...

so big and flat and wide,
it needs a big, wide-sounding word...

like round... round... ground!

That's it-ground! I wonder
if it will be friends with me?

'Curiously enough,

'the only thing that went through
the mind of the bowl of petunias was:

'Many people have speculated

'that if we knew exactly why the bowl
of petunias had thought that,

'we should know a lot more
about the Universe than we do now.

Trillian is about to announce

'a discovery of huge importance,

'though this is not immediately
recognised by her companions. '

- Hey, my white mice have escaped!
- Nuts to your white mice!

- Are we taking the Paranoid Android?
- Yeah, we'll take him.

Don't feel you have to notice me (!)

What are you supposed to do
with a manically depressed robot?

You think you've got problems?

What are you supposed to do if
you ARE a manically depressed robot?

No, don't try to answer that.

I'm 50,000 times as intelligent as you
and even I don't know the answer.

It gives me a headache just trying
to think down to your level!

Good afternoon, boys.

- What's that?
- The computer.

It's an emergency back-up personality
that I thought might work out better.

Now, this is going to be
your first day on a strange planet,

so wrap up warm
and no playing with any monsters.

- A slide rule might be better (!)
- Who said that?

Open up that exit hatch, please.

Not until whoever said that owns up.

Oh, God!

I'm waiting.
I can wait all day if necessary!

Computer, if you don't open
that exit hatch pretty damn pronto,

I shall go straight to your major
data banks with a very large axe

and give you a reprogramming
you'll never forget.

OK, get the axe.

Please enjoy your day
on this planet.

I can see this relationship
is something we'll have to work at.

OK, come on, you guys. Let's go!


It's fantastic!

Desolate hole!

It's so stark and dreary!

It's absolutely fantastic!
It's only just getting through to me.

A whole new alien world, thousands
of light years away from home...

Pity it's such a dump!

I could have a better time
in a cat litter.

What's this?

- Whalemeat.
- Eugh!

Come on, you guys,
we've got to get into this planet!

I'm not into it!

- INTO it!
- INTO it?

Would you stay out here
in a dump like this?

The Magratheans
all lived underground, you know.

Why-was the surface polluted
or over-populated?

No, they just didn't
like it very much.

There's an opening in the ground.

Looks like a tunnel.

OK, guys, here we go!

Let's get on in there!

Into the interior of the planet!

That is where we have to go!

Down into the very depths
of time itself,

where no man has trod
these five million years!

We are not going to be great,
we are not going to be amazing -

we are going to be amazingly amazing!

- Sounds awful!
- Can it, Marvin!

Life, loathe it or ignore it -
you can't like it!

Are you sure
you know what you're doing?

We've been attacked once already!

Look, kid, I promise you,

the live population of this planet
is nil plus the five of us.

Let's get on in there, OK?


Hey, Earthman...

- Earthman...
- Arthur.

Yeah, could you just sort of keep
the robot with you

and guard this end of the passage?

Guard? What from?
You said there was no one here!

Yeah, well, just for safety, OK?

Whose? Yours or mine?

Good lad. OK, here we go!

Well, I hope
you all have a really miserable time!

- Don't worry! They will.
- Come on!

- Hey, spooky, eh?
- And dark.

You've still got your sunglasses on.

Too right!

Look at this!

Any idea what those strange symbols
on the walls are, Zaphod?

Yeah! They're strange symbols
of some kind.

It's hard to tell with my shades on!

I wish I had heads like you, Zaphod.

I could have endless fun
bashing them against walls!

Hey, don't bug me, Ford!

- Yeah!
- Yeah?

Yeah! These are the greatest shades
in the known sky! Look at the copy.

"Joo Janta 200 SuperChromatic
Peril-Sensitive sunglasses.

"To help you develop
a relaxed attitude to danger.

"At the first hint of trouble,
they turn black

"and thus prevent you from seeing
anything that might alarm you. "

You're mad!

I thought I just saw a movement
down at the end of the corridor!

No... it's just shadows...
There's no one here.

Trust me.

Zaphod, mate, I'd trust you as far
as I could comfortably spit a rat!

This is a dead planet, man!

There's definitely something there.



Night's falling. Look, Robot,
the stars are coming out.

- I know. Wretched, isn't it?
- But that sunset...!

I've never seen anything like it
in my wildest dreams!

The two suns... It was like...

mountains of fire,
boiling into space!

I've seen it. It's rubbish.

We only had the one sun at home.

I came from a planet called Earth.

I know. You keep going on about it.
It sounds awful.

Ah, no! It was a beautiful place.

Did it have oceans?

Oh, yes, great, big, wide, rolling,
blue oceans.

Can't bear oceans.

Tell me, do you get on well
with other robots?

Hate them. Where are you going?

I think I'll take a short walk.

Don't blame you.

You choose a cold night
to visit our dead planet.

Who are you?

My name is not important.

You startled me.

Do not be alarmed.
I will not harm you.

But you shot at us. The missiles...

An automatic system.

Ancient computers
ranged in the long caves

deep in the bowels of the planet
tick away the dark millennia,

and the ages hang heavy
on their dusty databanks.

They take the occasional potshot
to relieve the monotony.

I'm a great fan of science, you know.


Oh, yes.



You seem ill at ease.

OH! Yes, well, actually, I don't think we
expected anyone to be about, in fact.

No disrespect,
but I gathered you were all dead.

Dead? No, we have but slept
for five million years.

Nothing much seems to have changed.


Yes, through the economic recession.

Economic recession?

Five million years ago,
the Galactic economy collapsed,

and seeing that custom-built planets
are something of a luxury commodity...

- You know we built planets?
- Well, I had sort of gathered that.

Fascinating trade. Doing the
coastlines was always my favourite...

Used to have endless fun doing all
the little fiddly bits round fjords.

Well, anyway, the recession came,

and we thought it would save a lot
of bother if we just slept through it.

So we programmed the computers
to revive us when it was all over.

They were index-linked
to the Galactic stock market prices,

so that we'd all be revived

when everybody else
had rebuilt the economy enough

to be able to afford our services.

Isn't that rather unethical?

Is it? I'm a bit out of touch.

Is that your robot?

No, I'm mine.

If you'd call it a robot-it's more
like an electronic sulking machine.

Bring it.

"Bring it"!

On second thoughts, leave it here.

Bring it! Leave it!
I think I'll turn myself off!

You must come with me.
Great things are afoot.

Come. Come now or you will be late.

Late? What for?

What is your name, human?

Dent, Arthur Dent.

Late, as in the late Dentarthurdent.

It's a sort of threat, you see.

Never been terribly good
at them myself,

but I'm told
they can be terribly effective.

What an extraordinary person!


Er... nothing. Where are we going?

We are going deep
into the bowels of the planet,

where our race is being revived from
its five-million-year-old slumber.

Magrathea awakes!

Excuse me,
what is your name, by the way?

My name?

My name is Slartibartfast.

I beg your pardon?



I said it wasn't important.

'It is an important and popular fact

'that things
are not always what they seem.

'For instance...

'on the planet Earth,

'man had always assumed he was more
intelligent than the dolphins,

'because he had achieved so much -

'the wheel...

'New York...

'wars, and so on...

'whilst all the dolphins
had ever done

'was muck about in the water
having a good time.

'The dolphins believed they were
more intelligent than man

'for precisely the same reasons.

'Curiously enough,

'the dolphins had long known
of the impending demolition of Earth,

'and made many attempts
to alert mankind of the danger...

'but most of their communications
were misinterpreted

'as amusing attempts to punch
footballs or whistle for titbits,

'so they eventually gave up and left
the Earth by their own means,

'shortly before the Vogons arrived.

'The last-ever dolphin message

'was misinterpreted as
a surprisingly sophisticated attempt

'to do a double-backward somersault
through a hoop

'whilst whistling
the Star-Spangled Banner...

'but, in fact, the message was this:

'In fact, there was only one species
on the planet

'more intelligent than dolphins,

'and they spent a lot of their time

'in behavioural research laboratories

'conducting frighteningly elegant
and subtle experiments on man.

'The fact that man once again

'completely misinterpreted
this relationship

'was entirely according
to these creatures' plans,

'as Arthur Dent
will shortly discover. '

Earthman, we are now
deep in the heart of Magrathea.

How d'you know I'm an Earthman?

These things will become clear -
clearer than they are at the moment.


I should warn you

the chamber we are about to enter

does not literally exist
within our planet.

It is the gateway into a vast tract
of hyperspace. It may disturb you.

It scares the willies out of me.
Hold tight!

Welcome to our factory floor.

This is where we make
most of our planets, you see.

You're starting up again now?

Good heavens, no!

No, the Galaxy isn't nearly
rich enough to afford us yet.

We've been awakened to perform
just one extraordinary function

for very... special clients

from another dimension.

It may interest you.

There-in front of us.

The Earth!

Well, the Earth Mark i, in fact.

We're making a copy
from our original blueprints.

Are you telling me
you originally made the Earth?

Oh, yes.
Did you ever go to a place...?

I think it was called Norway.

No, I didn't.

Pity. That was one of mine.

Won an award, you know.

Lovely crinkly edges.

I was most upset
to hear of its destruction.

YOU were upset?!

Five minutes later,
it wouldn't have mattered.

- Big cock-up. The mice were furious.
- Mice?

Earthman, the planet you inhabited

was commissioned,
paid for and run by the mice.

It was destroyed five minutes
before the completion of the purpose

for which it was built.
We have to build another one.


'ARTHUR bruised his upper arm. '