The Greatest American Hero (1981–1983): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Two-Hundred-Mile-an-Hour Fast Ball - full transcript

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♪ Look at what's
happened to me ♪

♪ I can't believe it myself ♪

♪ Suddenly I'm up
on top of the world ♪

♪ It should have
been somebody else ♪

♪ Believe it or not
I'm walking on air ♪

♪ I never thought I
could feel so free ♪

♪ Flying away on a
wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪

♪ Just like the
light of a new day ♪

♪ It hit me from
out of the blue ♪



♪ Breaking me out
of the spell I was in ♪

♪ Making all of my
wishes come true ♪

♪ Believe it or not
I'm walking on air ♪

♪ I never thought I
could feel so free ♪

♪ Flying away on a
wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪♪

Here he comes.

Don't look like no
"rookie of the year" to me.

Hey, amigo. Qué pasó? Hey.

Qué onda? Cuánto dinero?

What's he sayin'?

He says he won't throw no games.



Tell him if he fingers us, we're
gonna kill his family in Puerto Rico.

I play for my fans,
not for money.

Well, then let's take him out of the
major leagues for about six months.

It's in the bag. Ain't no way the Stars
are goin' to the pennant now. No way.

And these creeps are tryin' to tear down one
of the pillars of this country's moral fiber.

Don't give me a hard time. I went
to a lot of trouble to set this up.

I got my old friend Tommy the Greek down
from Vegas. He's gonna give us an intro.

Yeah, but those guys
are major leaguers, Bill.

How am I gonna strike
out a major-league hitter?

You're going to have the
suit on underneath the uniform.

Ralph, you'll smoke it in
there. They'll never see the ball.

I just have to know that you
got some kind of control...

to be able to get it anywhere
over the plate, that's all. Oh.

You know, I always wanted
to play Major League Baseball.

Even when I was a kid
in grade school. Oh. Nifty.

- Can we get on with this? We really don't have any time.
- How are you gonna do it?

Why would the California Stars
want to give me a tryout for their team?

In the past three weeks, their two hottest
hitters have been run off the road and beaten up.

Last night their star
pitcher, Manuel Cortez,

best pitcher in the
league... Beaten up.

Somebody doesn't want the
California Stars to win this pennant.

They're only two games away
from winning the pennant anyway.

I don't think those guys
up there gave me the suit...

so I could play Major
League Baseball, you know?

Ralph, this is a fix of
Major League Baseball.

Come on. I mean, that's
like trampling on the flag.

Whoever these guys are that
are beating up the players...

are gonna come after you
when they see your hummer.

And then when they try to run you off the
road, we bust 'em. You got it? Yes. I see.

Okay. You got the
suit under there? I do.

Okay. Hey, Bill? Let me try a
slider. I used to have a great slider.

No junk balls, kid. Just
give me the big one.

Let's have the fastball, baby.

Fire it in. Yeah! Hum-bah,
hum-bah. No stick on the batter here.

- There's no batter.
- Ralph, come on.

Okay, Bill. You're gonna
see the Hinkley fastball,

known at Redwood College
as the "Hinkley high smoker."

Okay. Fire it in.

No stick on the batter here.

No call on the B-ball.

Bill! Bill, are you
all right? I'll be okay.

Oh, boy. Look at that. Broke
your hand again, didn't I?

Oh, boy, what a fastball! What
a fastball. I couldn't even see it.

I didn't know how hard to throw it. I
didn't even take a full windup or anything.

Did you see that?
I told you I couldn't.

Come on. We gotta go. This is gonna
work better than I thought. Get that.

We gotta meet Tommy at the stadium.
The Stars are workin' out this afternoon.

Better get your hand x-rayed. You take care
of the pitchin'. I'll take care of the hand.

We got one shot at this,
just one. We gotta do it today.

Look at these guys.
Oh, boy. What a team.

Califano on third, battin' .343.

Katon behind the plate, firin'
the old signals out to the mound.

The smell o' hot dogs,
the roar of the crowd.

- Umpire yells...
- "Play ball!"

Oh, I love this game.

This game is... America,
like... Applesauce?

Apple pie, Ralph. Try
to have a little respect.

Now, that pretty lady over here with the
honey-colored hair, that's Deborah Dante.

She does not know very much
about baseball, unfortunately...

Not like her old man, Colonel
Dante, God rest his soul.

There was a team owner for
ya... trade your socks right off ya.

Gosh, these guys out
here are real major leaguers.

All I ever did was throw
a little bit in college.

Now, you gotta let me do all the talkin',
Ralph. I got our cover all wired up.

I'm gonna be your player's rep. What do
you know about baseball contracts, Bill?

You might as well ask
what I know about baseball.

Well, what do you know
about baseball? Ralph,

the pennant is gonna be won
or lost in two games anyway.

And I know baseball. I'm a fan. I know
the heels, the wheels and the big deals.

I read Inside Sports
every week. Trust me here.

Bill, these are the
California Stars.

I'm gonna be throwin' the
"Hinkley high smoker" to the Stars.

That's right.

Boy, I wish Coach
Matson could see me. Huh?

He was my Little League coach.

Redwood City
Cubbies. Yes, sirree.

Little Shorty Steel on third,

Gritty Grimes on second, Shep
Allen on first, me fannin' the batters.

Boy, we were a tough,
scrappy little team. I tell you.

Okay, Ralph. Let's go.

Ow! Aaah!

Yeah. "Ah, ah" is what you
say in the doctor's office, Bill.

Round here, you
yell, "Play ball!"

Dugout humor.
Thanks a lot, Ralph.

Bill Maxwell, I'd like you
to know Deborah Dante...

Miss Dante. How do you
do? This is Russ Decker.

He's the team's business agent.

And of course, Shorty
Robinson. Mr. Robinson.

What happened to your hand?

Um, it was minor surgery.
I had a wart taken off.

- They wrapped it in a towel?
- Yeah. We were wondering about that too.

So, uh,

I guess it's time for my boy Ralph
here to step upon the mound...

and fire a few B.B.'s
at your big bats.

- Are you the B.B. gun?
- Oh, yeah. 'Fraid so.

Uh, in his enthusiasm, my
agent forgot to introduce me.

- I'm Ralph Hinkley. How do you do?
- I'm Sorry.

- Whitney High School?
- Yeah. Uh, I'm a teacher.

Oh. All we need is five
minutes of your time...

and your best hitter for a
little pitching demonstration.

More likely a batting
demonstration.

Mr. Robinson, I think you're one of the
greatest baseball managers of all time, sir.

Well, I'm glad somebody
thinks so. And that's why...

I wanted you to have
the first look at Ralph.

I thought that maybe you...
Maybe wanna put Califano in there,

because he's your
steadiest hitter.

And Ralph could fan him
out with, like, three fastballs.

Oh, I also have a very
nice slider. No junk.

Will you listen to me, kid?
Straight fastballs and that's it.

Three pitches, huh?

- Tell Califano to go out there.
- Califano?

I'm gonna pitch to Califano?
He's the best hitter in the league.

Ralph, I don't want
any arrogance.

Just show them how it
is done as a gentleman.

I would clock it... You
know, just for laughs.

See how fast the kid can
throw the old horsehide.

Okay. Clock it.

The fastest clocked pitch was
Nolan Ryan's fastball, wasn't it...

A hundred point
nine miles an hour?

Let's get this over with.

I got a team to get ready.
Everybody's in the bucket.

- I need to work on morale.
- Have you tried team prayer?

Uh, I mean,
you're lookin' at it.

Califano.

Get out there. Knock
this kid's brains out.

Come on, skinny bones. Try
to put one right there. Come on!

I-I hope, uh,
this afternoon's...

not too early to open
up a contract negotiation.

I thought you'd never ask.

Okay, Ralph, let me do
the talkin' here, because...

contract negotiations are real ticklish
unless you know what you're doin'.

How would you know?
Boy, I wish Pam was here.

Will you stop that?
We don't need her.

They're gonna have some Beverly Hills lawyer
with the gold chains hangin' off his neck...

and a... elephant hair bracelet and a Palm
Springs tan, and I'm gonna beat him up.

You just make nice with Miss Dante,
and I'll drop a net on the shyster.

Bill, just remember, I
teach class until 3:00,

and I can't pitch during
school hours. No sweat.

I'll take care of that. Let me do the
talking, 'cause this pitch is real easy.

Hello, there. My name is Maxwell and this
is Mr. Hinkley. I think you're expecting us.

Mr. Hinkley? Thank
you very much.

Mr. Maxwell. We met
earlier at the stadium.

I'm Russ Decker, vice president,
business affairs and chief counsel.

Well, Russ, I hope you brought
your wallet with you today.

Why don't we meet
the rest of my people.

This is Charles Miller,
our insurance attorney.

Mike Fisher,
international contracts.

Dave Hoblens, escrow banking
and trust account attorney.

Mary Todd, commercial
contracts, loan out approval,

and Sam Foster handles
"E" and "O" for the club.

Where are the rest of your guys?

Uh, well, um...

Ah. I didn't know you'd arrived. Hi. Why
don't you and I get to know one another?

The suits can take care of the business
end of things. Okay. Sounds good.

Bill, is that all right? Oh,
yeah. Sure, that's fine.

- Come on. Okay.
- Go get 'em.

Nice. Very nice.

And this shipment is currently on
board a vessel off the Costa Rican coast?

Yeah. We were under the impression
that these weapons were stolen.

Now we find out that you have
made arrangements to purchase them.

And it concerns us how you will
make arrangements for the money...

to purchase $10 million
worth of military ordinance.

Mr. Sloane and I are
committed to this revolution.

Where we get the
money is our problem.

I am severely compromised.
If I fail, I will be killed.

And let me tell you
this: I will not die alone.

Hello.

No. No, we're not
granting interviews.

No, I can't reveal his name.
We're currently in negotiations.

I don't know how
fast the ball was.

We think there must have been something
wrong with the clock. That's right.

Sure. Good-bye. The
leak is out on you already.

Mike Douglas of The
Mike Douglas Show called,

and I think it would be a
great idea... if we make a deal,

we could announce
it on the show.

I'm gonna be on The
Mike Douglas Show?

I don't believe it.

Well, they've been
calling all afternoon.

Listen. Uh, can you
take a bit of advice...

from a girl who lived in Mandeville Canyon
and used to grow organic vegetables?

Well, sure. Go ahead.
Whatever you want.

Don't let them turn your head
around. It can happen really easily.

Hey, I won't. I won't.
Believe me, I won't.

I mean, I don't take all this seriously.
I mean, it's just a game, right?

Ah. It is much more than
that. It's a national mania.

I've seen the sturdiest
ones fold under the pressure.

Mike Douglas called... for me?
I mean, really? Mike himself?

Well, it was actually his
producer, but they're very excited.

Um, you know, this has
been very, very strange for me,

and I think probably the
best thing for me to do...

would be to take off
and, uh, get home...

and work on a study plan
for my kids for tomorrow.

Oh. I, um... I was hoping maybe we
could get to know each other a little.

Um...

What's her name? Pam Davidson.

Well, watch out for flying
objects, Ralph, and...

welcome to the California Stars.

Thank you. Okay.

Thank you. Good-bye.

The sum is placed in
escrow for two years,

and is credited back against the
insurance contract at 10 1/2% per annum.

There's also some leverage you can pick
up if you sell that insurance contract...

back to our bank and
discount the paper.

Mike has that payment schedule,
if you'd like to take a look.

Well, I, uh... Uh, yeah. Yeah.
Uh-huh. 'Cause insurance is important.

- I have quite a lot myself.
- Of course you do.

If the Stars win, we lose our
bet, and we can't buy the guns.

What we gotta do is make
sure that ball team loses,

and then we're in business.

I think we oughta take
care of that guy Hinkley.

Word I get is he throws
so fast, they can't clock it.

All right. All right.
Let's take care of it.

A message from
the major leagues:

Stay away from
the California Stars.

You don't throw no pitches
for that club. You got it? Yeah.

This is a warning. You only get
one, then we start breakin' bones.

Snaps. Snaps!
For cryin' out loud.

Haven't you guys
heard about Velcro?

Aaah!

Aaah!

- Who are you?
- Don't ask.

I just can't understand how you let
'em go, Ralph. Well, it happens, Bill.

What do you want me to say? Give me a break,
all right? They'll be back. I promise.

What do you got there? Uh, well,

while you're fumblin' around, losin'
the bad guys, I'm negotiating, Ralph.

What this is is the finest player's
contract in the history of baseball.

And if I may say so without
any modesty whatsoever, I did it...

without a dozen wing-tipped idiots with
law degrees hangin' over my shoulder.

Did you get that clause in there about not
pitching before 3:00 or during school hours?

Well, Ralph, that was a
real... a real battleground there,

that clause, and I hung in to
the very end, but... But what?

Well... Oh, boy.

Some things are always
lost in... in compromise.

That's the nature of,
uh, negotiation, Ralph,

um, and frankly, I thought that the rest
of the package was, uh, more important.

I'm not pitchin' during school
hours, Bill. Now, that's that. I told you.

Well, then, in that case, you're gonna
be, um, in default of this agreement,

and you'll be stewed
and sued and tattooed.

Now, before you get
really steamed, Ralph,

would you please...
just take a look at this?

That's a contract. How much
am I getting paid per game?

Oh, boy. Well, I'm glad I
didn't let you handle this.

You don't get paid by the game,
Ralph. You get paid by the year.

Without the frills, it's,
um, three million dollars.

Would you be serious?
Oh, I'm dead serious.

Three million dollars?

Is that sounding and looking
a little better to you, Ralph?

Three million dollars?

Uh-huh. Per year. To you.

My 20% commission comes
off the top, as your agent.

I think I may give that to the,
uh, Federal Agents Hospital Fund.

Three million dollars?

Then again, I may
not. I don't know yet.

Where does it say that
about three million dollars?

Do you think that you might
be able to bring yourself... ah...

To pitch during school hours
for "three million dollars"?

Uh...

Gee, I don't know. Um...

They'd have to
get a substitute...

And, uh...

Oh, my. Whoo! Ha,
ha! You did it, Bill.

- Did Grant take Richmond?
- Bill.

Did MacArthur take the Philippines?
Did Patton run across Germany?

Now, Ralph, you know me. You
know I hate to blow my own horn,

but I gotta tell
ya, I killed 'em.

I ate 'em alive! They
never knew what hit 'em.

I was so guilty. I felt I was
takin' candy away from little kids.

I was robbin' blind newsies... a whole
convention of 'em. It was wonderful.

No, it wasn't wonderful.
It was terrible. But still, I...

Listen. You gotta calm down, Ralph,
because you're really gettin' out of hand.

Now, um, let's see, uh... Uh...

Yeah. Tomorrow. Tomorrow at
noon you have to report to the ballpark.

And if you're there a couple of minutes later...
earlier, you sign the rest of the contracts.

You have to get
some sleep, because...

I'm tellin' you right now, they're
liable to put you in tomorrow.

Ralph, you're a bonus baby.

And you're all mine.

Hey, Bill, thanks! Thanks, Bill!

Three million dollars.

Whoo!

So, the French Revolution began
and the French ruling class tumbled.

Royalty were all placed in a
prison on the outskirts of Paris.

Who can tell me the
name of that prison?

Rodriguez?

Uh, wasn't that called
the, uh, Paris County Jail?

- That's so funny.
- "Paris County Jail."

- The Bastille.
- Oh. Bastille. I was just gonna say that.

What?

I bet you were.

Hey, hey, hey! Before you guys
leave, I have an announcement to make.

Some of you know that I used to pitch
a little baseball when I was in college.

No kiddin'. Neato.

Hey, you're probably gonna
be reading about it in the paper.

I thought it would be nice
if you heard it from me first.

I was signed to a pitching contract,
uh, yesterday with the California Stars,

and I might be pitching against
the Oakland Mets this afternoon.

And I thought, if any of you wanna check
out the game, I'd leave passes at the gate.

Come on, Mr. H. Knock it off.
What are you tellin' us this for?

Come on, Mr. H.
Be real. Cut the bull.

I'm tellin' you the truth. I wouldn't lie
to ya. Aw, come on. Where's the joke?

I mean, besides here.

You think I'm such a jerk? You
think I can't do anything? Is that it?

No. That's not it. It's just that, you
know, you never blew smoke at us before.

It's kinda hard to deal
with. Yeah. Try impossible.

Just because I'm your teacher, Tony, doesn't
mean I can't, uh, function out there, you know?

Gimme a break, man.

I'm tellin' you the truth.

You wanna come down there and check it out
for yourself, I'll leave passes at the gate.

"Paris County Jail."

When are you guys gonna
give me a break, huh?

And the score is the
Stars, seven, the Mets, six,

and Califano at the plate, and you
know he can always be dangerous.

The count, 2-2.
Here's the 2-2 pitch.

Strike three. Califano is out.

And we go to the
bottom of the ninth inning.

And with a one-run lead,
anything can happen.

I read the contract
you negotiated.

Yeah. Well...

I really hadn't intended to
take such advantage of Ralph.

Well, I don't think that, uh,
three million dollars a year...

is takin' too much
advantage, actually.

It's not cash.

Well, um, no,

but, uh...

No, but, you know, the, uh...
What do you mean, exactly?

Well, basically, the deal you
negotiated is an insurance policy.

- Ralph has to die to collect.
- Uh, would you run that past me
one more time?

Yeah. In lieu of a salary, the California
Stars buy Ralph an insurance policy,

which pays off in the amount of
three million dollars when Ralph dies.

No, come on. What
are you talkin' about?

Listen. Um...

You show me where
it says that in here.

All right. Paragraph 50,
subsection six, right there.

"Said compensation to be
deferred and held in trust.

"Per annum salary to be
dis... assigned to trustor...

at his discretion in holding account referenced
in subsection six of this agreement."

Subsection six... that's
the insurance policy. Wha...

Who are you really, Mr. Maxwell? 'Cause you
don't know beans about contracts. Uh, uh...

J-Just give me a
second now. Uh...

Huh. Um... Here's the 1-0 pitch.

A line drive hit to the alley in right
center field. There's nobody there.

It's gonna go to the wall. Lassen around
first, on his way to second base. The throw.

The headlong dive.
He's there with a double.

Boo! Boo! Get the
pitcher outta there.

Oh, man!

I don't see Mr. H.
On the mound yet.

I think Mr. H. deserves the
benefit of the doubt, you know?

You know Mr. H. ain't pitchin'
for the Stars, and that's it.

- Man, forget you.
- "Forget me." What do you know of baseball?

More than you. What do I know?

With two outs, the Mets are
beginning to get to Warren.

Shorty's gonna have to
keep a close eye on him.

This might be all. He might have to go
get him pretty soon. We'll wait and see.

Put Hinkley in. Look, Miss
Dante. I run this ball club.

And I own it, Shorty. I want the
new pitcher in there right now.

There's a bunt down the
third baseline. A perfect bunt.

Warren over, up with
it. He won't have a play.

We're gonna lose this game if we don't
get the last out right now. Put him in.

- Put him in or you're fired.
- It's your team.

Here comes Shorty
out of the dugout,

and it appears that that
might be all for Warren.

Your attention, please.

Now pitching for the Stars,
number one, Ralph Hinkley.

- ♪ Everybody has a dream
when everyone is young ♪
- Look. It's him. It's Mr. H.!

♪ Lookin' back, we
wondered about ♪

♪ The things we could have
done ♪ Any instructions, Coach?

♪ The chances that
we didn't take ♪ Yeah.

Do whatever you want.
I've got very little to say...

about this ball club. ♪ Oh, play
me, Coach I'll bring 'em home ♪

♪ Just put me in the game ♪

♪ And it's one two, three
strikes and you're gone ♪

♪ But the game oh, the game ♪

♪ The game goes o-o-on ♪

♪ The game goes o-o-on ♪♪

♪♪ He just didn't
get the message.

If he wins it, we're
down to one game.

So Hinkley, ready to go.
The tying run at third base.

- And into the windup. Here's the first pitch.
- One!

Strike one. And that's his
fastball. I couldn't see it.

Did you see that?

♪♪

♪♪

Gimme another glove. Hurry up.

All right, let's play.

Hinkley, once again ready to
go. Here's the one-strike pitch.

Two! -

Strike two called. And
the fans are going crazy.

I've never seen anything
like it. We're trying to clock it.

That ball has gotta be
going over 200 miles an hour.

- Hinkley, ready to go again.
- I sure would like to throw
a slider right now.

I sure would like to throw it.
Just a slider, maybe sacrifice...

thirty miles an hour,
and get it there at 170.

- That would do it.
- That would do it.

- Yes, I will.
- Three. You're out!

A swing and a
miss. Strike three.

And the Stars win it, 7-6.

Baseball has just
found a new legend.

With three pitches, this
unknown named Ralph Hinkley...

has possibly changed
this sport forever.

I don't believe it.

You know, this has to be one of baseball's
most incredible overnight success stories.

You're teaching high school, and
then one day a scout sees you pitching,

and all of a sudden you're on the
mound pitchin' for the California Stars.

Yeah, yeah. Um, it's... it's
been pretty quick. I tell you that.

How does it feel? It's like a kid's
overnight dream, what you're experiencing.

Well, um, it's kinda hard to put into
words, Mr. Douglas. It's, um... It's only...

I've only thrown three pitches,
actually. It's been kind of a quick record.

Yeah, but we get word that that
pitch is so fast, they can't even clock it.

Well, um, Mr. Douglas,
I think that's kind of silly.

I mean, I-I have a good hummer, you know,
but it isn't so fast that you can't clock it.

Is this something you learned?
Ralph, is that you? That's you on TV.

What's going on? I got your message last night,
but I was in court, and now you're on TV.

Yeah. We taped it last night.
Isn't that unbelievable, Pam?

I got six news trucks outside.
The phone's been ringing like crazy.

It's been a madhouse
around here.

I'm getting offers
for TV commercials.

There's a guy... He's a
movie producer, he says...

He wants to star me in a picture
called The Pirates of Six Rivers.

And the best part of all... Sit down. Ready
for this? Bill got me a player contract...

worth three million
dollars a year.

Oh, honey, Bill wouldn't know a
contract from a pound of blue cheese.

Yeah, that's what I thought too,
but Pam, there it is right in print,

under "compensation"...
Three million dollars.

Oh, I hope he didn't get bluffed by
some phony-baloney insurance clause.

You know, they can hide
it to make it look like salary.

- They can?
- Uh-huh.

It doesn't really
matter, because...

we're only there to find the
guys who beat up Manuel Cortez.

Bill says it's some kind of a
betting scam or something.

Pam, you wouldn't believe
what happened to me yesterday.

- A little kid asked me
for my autograph.
- Oh, boy.

You know, we win this game today,
we win the National League pennant?

- And if you lose?
- Hey, come on. With me on the mound?

Hello? Pam, that's a joke.

I hope so.

You know, it's not really
you, Ralph. It's the suit.

Yeah, well, mostly it's the suit, but,
you know, I used to pitch in college.

Is this the same guy they
called "Easy-Hit Hinkley"?

Hey, come on. I wasn't
a half-bad pitcher.

And, all right, so I got the suit on, but
I still gotta get the ball over the plate.

You know, I gotta hit
the strike zone, Pam.

Ralph?

All right. I gotta go. Coming! I
gotta go. Bill's at the door. Listen.

Watch me on TV. It's gonna be
carried nationally, all right? I love ya.

- Be careful, hon.
- Bye.

Ralph, let me in.

Man, those reporters will eat you alive out
there. Come on. We gotta get to the park.

Hey, listen, Bill. I got a civics class
at 10:00. I couldn't get a substitute.

You what? "Civics" is a Japanese
automobile, isn't it? Come on, Ralph.

Hey, yeah. You know, Pam
was kinda worried. She said, uh...

Uh, she didn't want
you to get sandbagged...

by an insurance policy or
something that's in the contract.

What insurance? What are
you talkin' about, insurance?

She says that they can word
it so it sounds like an income,

but in actuality it's just
a life insurance policy.

Well, there's a little insurance in there, sure.
There's gotta be a little. I fought for that.

My golly, I can't... Okay.

Would you please get it back,
here? Let Mr. Hinkley get to his car.

Here, please. Gil
Mason, Morning Star.

We understand your fastball's
as good as Nolan Ryan's?

Um, well, um, actually
it's a little faster.

You know what impresses
me most about you, Ralph?

Your humility. You don't
seem to take yourself seriously.

Well, Mike, I think that I'm just, um, a
guy who got lucky, that's all. No big deal.

Don't forget to look at
chapters nine through 12.

There's a quiz on Friday,
and you're all invited.

Rodriguez, Tony, Cyler, Rhonda, would
you please stay after for a few minutes?

Take a seat.

Uh, you know, you guys, I feel like
I'm leading a school prayer here today.

You know, at least look up at me once
in a while when I'm talkin', you know?

We're really happy for you, Mr. H., and, uh,
we think you deserve it and everything...

I don't know. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. So, okay,

you're gonna go out there, do
your deodorant commercials,

pose in your underwear in
Sports Illustrated and all that stuff.

Fine. Hey. Hold on
a minute here, okay?

Let's get something
straight between us.

You guys think, what... that I'm,
uh... I'm gonna change? Is that it?

You know, Mr. H., you're like
the first person that we ever met...

who treated us
like Homo sapiens...

and not like just some kinda
meat that you had to sit on.

Yeah, and you got interested
in what we were doin' and,

uh, what we think and...

And you cared about us,

and you cared if we weren't
doin' our homework and stuff.

I still am, Rhonda,
and I still do.

- And you guys still don't, by the way.
- Well, that's not the point.

See, the point
is is that it's...

It's pretty nice to have somebody
around here who cares about us.

- I'm not gonna change, okay?
- How you gonna be a big-time athlete...

posin' in your underwear
in Sports Illustrated

and still be the same old guy?

In the first place,
I am not, I repeat,

I am not going to pose in my
underwear for Sports Illustrated.

And in the second place, I don't
see why I can't be both things.

Have you guys
ever had a dream...

Something you really wanted,
but you knew you could never have?

Yeah. Yeah, I got dreams.

You mean, like a pearl-gray...

Porsche 911 Targa
with a whale tail?

Yeah, something like that.

See, baseball has always been
like that for me, and I just, um...

I always wanted to pitch
in the major leagues,

and I gotta have this chance.

Now, I'm not gonna desert you.

And if I start to
change, then you guys,

you tell me about it and
you straighten me out,

because that's
what friends are for.

Okay? Is that fair enough?

Say, Mr. H., where do you
get off pitchin' so good...

200 miles an hour, breakin' a
guy's hand... I mean, what is that?

Well, Tony, I... I don't think
the ball really travels that fast.

And frankly, I think I just
hit the guy's mitt wrong.

As fast as Nolan Ryan, I bet.

Well, actually it's, um...

- I mean, I think, maybe it's a... little...
- A little faster, huh?

- Well, I think so. Yeah.
- Check out Jim, will ya?

"Ain't gonna change."
You're already full of hot air.

What? What, what, what?

What?

It's the top of the third.
The score is 2-0, Mets,

and Stafford will be the hitter.

- I want Ralph in the game.
- But the kid is green, Miss Dante.

We're already down by two runs.
Put Hinkley in. That's an order.

Yeah.

Either she's out, or
he's in. Take your pick.

Done.

No! Get her.

♪♪

♪♪

Come on. Let's get outta here.

Bill? You read me?
We got problems.

Miss Dante's been taken.

Where are ya? I'm
in her booth right now.

Okay. Tune in on 'em if
you can. I'm on the way.

Here, pal. Popcorn.

Nothing.

Bill, I'm not getting anything.
She must be unconscious.

That's twice you've lost them.

Hey, wait. Once in traffic, now in a
closed building. Now, what's going on?

Wait a second.

That's disgusting. What are
you doin'? I'll buy you a hot dog.

Wait a minute. I'm...

I'm getting something.
So am I... nauseous!

They have her. She
is unconscious. It is...

1615 Stadium Road.

Some hot dog.

Wait a minute. I'm not
that hungry. Come on.

Found your hat. What are you
gonna do about your clothes?

I'll get 'em later. I can't
go back in there now.

Hey, check this guy out.

No, no. There's
nothin' to worry about.

Just remember that when you, uh,

come in with the hang
glider, buzz center field.

Uh, be sure it's the bottom of the
seventh, the seventh inning stretch, okay?

Terrific, kid. Go
ahead. Take it home.

Hang gliding. Colorful now.

Why don't you people go about your
business? Who cares what you think anyway?

Oh, no. Aaah!

Okay, Ralph. Way to clean house.
One of these guys slinked away, Bill.

I'm gonna check on Miss Dante.

The Stars are down by three
runs going into the ninth inning,

and we haven't seen the rookie
sensation Ralph Hinkley yet.

One can only wonder about
Shorty's strategy in not using him.

A loss here is the whole season,
and the Stars are just three outs away...

as they come up
for their last at bat.

She gonna be okay?
Yeah, she'll be fine, Bill.

Well, you boys are really
lookin' down a gun barrel:

among other things,
kidnapping, great bodily harm.

It's really over for you. So
let's have the whole scam.

Who's in it with ya? Huh?

Come on. You got big bucks
down on the Mets to win.

You got a fix on the
game. That's obvious.

Who's involved? Who
are the other stars?

Who is he?

I'm, uh... I'm his
clothing designer. Ralph...

In the interest of time,
which we don't have much of,

why don't I take
this guy on a ride?

Oh, I think that's a
terrific idea. Yeah.

All right. Alley-oop, big
fella. Hey, what are you doin'?

No, no. Put me down.

What are you
doin'? Don't go away.

Have a seat. You're
gonna love this.

Greatest interrogation
technique ever devised.

Ralph, use the kitchen door.

Sorry about that.

Come on.

I gotta work on those
landings, you know? Yeah.

Hey, Bill, this is more
than a gambling scam.

These guys owe 10 million
bucks to a gun runner.

They have a freighter off the beach
of Costa Rica with enough weapons...

to overthrow every single pro-American
government in South America.

- That stinks.
- The Stars lose this game today,

their partner gets paid off
and those guns go into action.

You gotta get back there. You
gotta get in that game and win it.

By the way, Shorty
Robinson is the inside man.

You might wanna
take care of him.

My pleasure. Get goin', kid. This is
for all the marbles. I'm on my way.

I don't believe any of this.

Here's the stretch
and the pitch.

Stafford hits a line drive
down the left field line.

That is gonna go
for extra bases.

It'll go to the wall. McMillan
around second on his way to third.

Stafford to second base
with a stand-up double.

And here's a strange move.

The pitcher's spot is up,
and we have two outs,

and Shorty is leaving Miller
in there to hit for himself.

Now, Miller hasn't had a
hit in a carload of at-bats.

Here's the windup
and the pitch to Miller.

And can you believe
that? Miller hit by the pitch.

Miller will go to first base.
They've got the bases loaded,

and now let's see who
Shorty sends to the plate.

Miss Dante? Come on.

Miss Dante, wake up. You
saved my life. What happened?

- I can't explain everything now.
- There isn't much time.

Your manager is trying to throw this game.
Now, you have to replace him right now.

Bottom of the ninth.
How long have I been out?

- I want you to fire Shorty and put me in.
- Coach Garcia.

- Put Shorty on.
- Shorty.

Shorty won't come to the phone.

Tell him he's fired. Manny,
you're in charge now.

Put Hinkley in.

Don't let Kelly play. He can't
hit the ground with both feet.

Hinkley left the park. We
don't know where he is.

He'll be right down.

Shorty, I was told from upstairs,
you better pack your suitcase and go.

Get away from me, Manny! As
far as this ball club is concerned...

There's a rhubarb goin' on. It
appears that Manny Garcia and Shorty...

are almost comin' to blows
down there in the dugout.

And here comes Ralph
Hinkley running down the aisle.

This is some finish
to a crazy ball game.

You know, if Kelly checks in at
the plate, there's no replacing him.

Just let me take that
off your hands, Mike.

Nothing! Nothing!

What's the matter with
you? That's right... nothing.

It's from upstairs, you know?
Thank you. Thank you. The hat?

Well, Hinkley got there in time,
and he'll be at bat for the Stars.

We know he can pitch, but can
he hit? The Stars sure hope so.

All right. Let's play ball!

Hit it out there,
Hinkley! Come on, Mr. H.

Hit it on out. Mr. H.!
Come on, Mr. H.!

Come on. Come on. Lookin'
tough, up there. Lookin' tough.

Hey, man, he is tough.

That's my man. All right!

Well, Hinkley the hitter, he
stands in, and here's the first pitch.

Strike!

Strike one called over the
outside corner. Good curve ball.

♪♪

♪♪

- Two!
- All right. Don't worry about it.

- No problem. No problem.
- Come on, batter!

How's the gun runnin'
business, Shorty?

I'm not runnin' anything. What
did you say your name was again?

The name is
Maxwell, as in F.B.I.

You're busted, Shorty... for
treason and gun running...

and spittin' on baseball.

This is ridiculous. I never...

How could you do
it... you of all people...

How could you do it to the
great American pastime?

This is a tense moment,
ladies and gentlemen.

Everything on
the line, right here.

The count is full. ♪♪

Come on. Protect the plate.

Here's the windup.

It's a high drive hit to
straightaway center field.

This ball hit well. It is going,
going... It is gone into the upper deck.

No. Wait. The ball is
flying out of the ballpark.

It's goin' into the parking lot.

I never saw a ball
hit that far before.

Hinkley knocked the
cover off of the ball.

The Stars win the National League
pennant, and they go to the World Series.

Way to go, Mr. H.!

That's the way to take 'em!

I'm tellin' you, Ralph.
It is not long enough.

You were only on
the scene for two days.

Three months is
all it's been, Bill.

And you gotta admit, I mean, I
was pretty wonderful, you know?

I won the pennant for those guys,
and through your brilliant negotiating,

I got enough life
insurance for an Arab sailor.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, anyway, the public's
memory is very short, Ralph,

and I'm gonna prove it to you,
'cause I know about that stuff.

Sports is a fickle business.

Oh, yeah. I've been
meaning to ask you.

Now, I know they got that Libyan

freighter full of the guns, but
what ever happened to Sloane?

Well, as a matter of fact he
popped up a few weeks ago.

What do you mean, "he
popped up"... Like in a lake?

Lobster trap off San Pedro.

That's the joint right there.

Ah, you're tough,
Al. You're real tough.

Come on. Let's hear it.

But I'm gonna get the beer.
You ready? Here we go.

Played third base for the Mets
during the '60s, and wrote poetry.

Ed Charles. Batting
average .116. Mmm.

Everybody hits
.116 by you. All right.

Who was the second
baseman for the Phi...

For the Cardinals in that
16-inning game with the Phillies?

That's easy. That's easy. Uh,
it was, um... Draw two, please.

Two. Two. It was, um...
Come on. You don't know.

Wait a minute. Hold
it. Come on. I gotcha.

It was, um... I'm gettin'
it. I'm gettin' it. Um...

Time's up. It was Fred Meece.
He hit .228. Gimme a beer.

I got one for ya, Al.

Who hit the winning run
for the Stars last season?

That's no problem. That's easy.

That's easy. Uh,
let's see, um... Stars?

Ah, yeah. Yeah.

This blond kid, he was
up just for a couple of days.

Uh, went right back to the
farm club right after that, um...

At least, he disappeared anyway.

Yeah. What's his name?

Uh, Ralph something.
Uh, Ralph, uh, Hunkle!

- Uh-uh. Hinkle. Ralph Hinkle.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- Hold it. Hold it. Wait a second.
- Um...

Hinkley. That's it. Hinkley.

Now, you see?
What did I tell ya?

They're already
startin' to forget.

But I never will.
I never will, Bill.

- Nope. I never will.
- ♪ Two, three strikes and you're gone ♪

♪ But the game oh, the game ♪

♪ The game goes o-o-on ♪

♪ The game goes o-o-on ♪

♪ The game goes o-o-on ♪

♪ The game goes o-o-on ♪♪