The Greatest American Hero (1981–1983): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Greatest American Hero - full transcript

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♪ Look at what's
happened to me ♪

♪ I can't believe it myself ♪

♪ Suddenly I'm up
on top of the world ♪

♪ It should have
been somebody else ♪

♪ Believe it or not,
I'm walkin' on air ♪

♪ I never thought I
could feel so free ♪

♪ Flyin' away on a
wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪

♪ Just like the
light of a new day ♪

♪ Hit me from out of the blue ♪



♪ Breaking me out
of the spell I was in ♪

♪ Making all of my
wishes come true ♪

♪ Believe it or not,
I'm walkin' on air ♪

♪ I never thought I
could feel so free ♪

♪ Flyin' away on a
wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪

- Well, I asked
for Bill Maxwell.

I mean, if Johnny finds out

that I am testifying
against him,

do you know what he'll do?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Well, how come they sent you?

Somebody here,
somebody made a mistake.



I wanted Bill Maxwell.

- The FBI doesn't make
mistakes, Miss Wild.

- Uh huh.

- You're gonna be just fine.

I'll have you down in
front of the grand jury

in L.A. in no time flat.

Got a plane standing by.

I never should've
quit the line in Vegas.

I was doing so good.

Vegas was great
for getting presents.

Does Johnny the Dancer
Damanti give good presents?

Johnny?

No, no, not Johnny.

He gives pain.

Johnny's in the um,
heavyweight pain business.

Get out, get out,
and cross the field.

- The Shrew?

You're gonna have them
do The Taming of the Shrew?

- See Pam, you're doing
just what everyone else does.

You act like just
because these kids

get into a little bit of trouble

they oughta be put
in a zoo or something.

This play is one of
Hinkley's better ideas.

- Do you think so?

- Despite all the hyperactivity,
these kids are bright.

Believe me, they're
anxious to learn.

All I have to do is open
their eyes a little bit.

This play is perfect.

I'm gonna ask their
parents to come in

and help paint the sets.

I think it'll help set up

a constructive
parent proof situation.

- Okay, but why Shakespeare?

- Why not, I'm supposed to
be teaching them, aren't I?

Now, they'd never
read Shakespeare,

but if we put it on
I'll be exposing them

to one of the greatest
playwrights who ever lived,

and we'll have a lot
of fun at the same time.

- Your players
await you, my Lord.

Something tells me
this could be brutal.

Shakespeare must
be up there somewhere

with his head in a bag.

- Okay, hold it
down, hold it down.

- Hey, come on, turn
the lights on chump, hey.

What're you doing here?

- Thank you.

- Hey, Mr. H.

You know how these drama club
guys make these blades appear?

I can't figure out how to get
the blade back in the handle.

Hey, what's going
on Mr. Hinkley?

How come we have
to wait after school?

- Okay, okay, look now,
tomorrow starts spring break.

Now, I know everyone's
looking to take off,

to hit the streets,

but I want you all to
help me with something

over these next two weeks.

Now, it'll only take a
couple hours a day.

- Oh yeah, what's
that, Mr. Hinkley?

- I want us all to put on

one of the greatest
plays ever written.

- What do ya mean,
like act in a show,

do parts, stuff like that?

- Exactly, Tony.

All of us working together,
acting, painting the sets,

and I wanna ask your folks

to come down in the
evenings and help out.

- What are you kidding?

My mom ain't gonna paint sets.

She's a cocktail
waitress, you know.

- Well listen, ask her anyway.

Maybe she'll come
down early before work.

- So, what's the name
of the play, Mr. H.?

- Okay, okay, good question.

Okay, the play's name
is Taming of the Shrew.

- Eh, I seen that play,
right, with Brando.

He did the movie
with Liz Taylor.

Two guys break outta jail

and goes around stickin'
up gas stations, right?

- I don't think this is
the same play, Tony, no.

- Isn't it a Shakespearean
play, Mr. Hinkley?

- Right, one of the best.

It was written in
the early 1600s.

It's about a woman
named Kate, who's a shrew

who's tamed by the love
of a man named Petruchio.

- Shakespeare,
what are you crazy?

Those guys run around in tights.

I ain't puttin' on
no long johns.

- I know how you
feel about that, Tony,

but I talked to Mr. Knight,

and he said if we put this on,

he'll give everybody three
units of credit in literature.

That's pretty good, huh?

Three units in literature

for putting on a play
and having a ball.

- It's not going over.

- Couldn't we do like,
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof?

I'd love to play Maggie the cat.

- Yeah right, Brando
did that one, right?

That was good with Brando.

- Paul Newman did the movie.

Man, what is it with
you and Brando?

- Hey, come on
now, it's all showbiz.

How about it?

I mean, who knows?

Maybe there's a star
waiting to be born here, huh.

Just give it a go.

What do you say, okay?

All right, sound good?

It's all settled.

Now, Pam here who minored
in theater arts in college,

she's gonna help us with
the blocking, the nuances,

the production, the lighting,

the set design,
everything, okay.

Here's yours.

All right, now let's
just start by reading it.

Okay, enter uh, Gremio,
uh Trainio, and Baptista,

um where, uh stage uh.

- Uh, enter stage right.

- Hi everyone.

Hi, I gotta talk to the teacher.

Company, take five
and leave the hubcaps

on the tan sedan alone.

- Hey, don't worry about
your hubcaps, Jack.

You know, they bring like
35 cents on the open market.

- Give the kids some air.

We'll find a quiet
place, it's important.

- Everybody take five here.

What's going on, Bill?

- Okay, for openers
this is a briefing,

and we are already running thin,

because you and me

are on a seven o'clock
flight to San Francisco.

- What do you mean

we're on a seven o'clock
flight to San Francisco?

Bill, I can't just
pick up and leave.

I gotta get a
babysitter for Kevin.

- Done, I covered
it out of the bureau.

She's on her way
to your house now.

Next problem?

- I just talked these
kids into doing this play.

Now, I'm not going
to dessert them now.

Bill, you can not go around

changing peoples
lives to suit yourself.

- Sure I can.

We're doing this one my way kid,

by the book with procedural
and operational precision.

- Well, I've got about a
million things I've gotta do,

so if you guys don't need me.

- Freeze Davidson.

You're in this.

I've been giving
you a lot of thought.

- Freeze Davidson?

- From time to time we're
gonna need a utility man.

You know, third string backup.

When that happens we call you.

Maybe you'll start out
bring us coffee and burgers,

but uh, you'll work your way up.

Later on I'll let you handle

some easy field
work, how's that?

- A utility what?

That goes and gets what?

- It's not as much fun when
he spills over onto you, is he?

- I am not gonna run
your errands for you, Bill.

- Counselor, we can't
go blabbing this thing

all over everybody.

So far, you're the
only other person

knows Ralph's got the suit.

It's gotta stay that way.

- I hate this.

- There is a certain
moronic logic to that.

- Okay, we're on a
kind of a tight schedule.

I gotta girl in San
Francisco willing to testify

against one of the biggest
dope dealing slugs in America.

15 years I've been trying
to nail Johnny Damanti.

This time I got him.

- Johnny Damanti,
isn't that the guy

they call Johnny the Dancer?

- Yeah, the disco prince.

I got his girlfriend
to testify against him,

because he dumped her.

Uh Ed was shot last night
trying to bring her down, Ralph,

so from now on it's
up to you and me.

There's D.A. standing by

with a specially
convened grand jury

tomorrow at one
o'clock right here in L.A.

We're gonna get this
guy, Ralph, that's it, finally.

- Sounds like a lot more

than profession
interest to me, Bill.

- 15 years, I've been
trying to roast this turkey.

Weekends other
guys hit the beach,

I hit the bureau library,

look up his old testimony,

trying to make old cases
come up against him again.

I need this one kids.

If we get this girl
down here in one piece

we wipe out one of the
biggest dope operations

in the country,

and I take Johnny the
Dancer off the streets

for about 20 big ones.

Okay good, then
it's settled, let's go.

- Ralph.

- I'm sorry, Pam.

Listen, would you take
over rehearsal for me?

Set one up for
tomorrow afternoon.

There's invitations
folded up in a box

at the side of the proscenium

asking the kids parents
to come and join us.

- Oh, that sounds like

good third string utility
work for old Pamela.

- Come on, Ralph,

Starlet is not gonna
last up there indefinitely.

He's already tried to
kill her once, let's go.

- Starlet Wild, the showgirl?

The one that was
in People Magazine?

Ralph, she's beautiful.

- Well, if you like that
sort of thing, yeah, she's...

- Yeah, she's beautiful.

You can't find her
I.Q. in a searchlight.

Let's go, Ralph.

Where's the suit?

Cute kids you got, real cute.

- Make it snug.

I wanna show my waist
now that I lost 20 pounds.

Hey Mike, you think
a yellow velvet bow tie

is too much for this bash?

- Hey Johnnie, it's the Grammys.

Have you seen those record guys?

They're into satin
shirts and gym shoes.

Yeah, hey Larry,
not on the phone.

What's the matter with ya?

Sure, okay, I'll tell him.

Is this guy done yet?

- Give me the yellow
piping on the lapel,

the yellow tie, and the yellow
and black cummerbund, okay.

We'll show those L.A.
spandex screwballs

how we do it up in Frisco.

- Right, that was
Larry on the phone.

Said Maxwell's leaving from L.A.

He's gonna put a tail on him.

- This better go down smooth.

- It's gonna go down smooth.

The only thing is I
hate using that car

unless there's no other way.

One cops spots
it and we're liable

to lose two good
men and the car.

- Put it on the truck and
send it south, it's insurance,

but I want this hit to go
down in San Francisco county.

I have my alibi set.

I don't wanna have to roll up

in front of the L.A. courthouse
and start blasting away.

I love San Francisco.

Look at this town, would ya.

Ah, it's a shame about Alcatraz,

but they still got San Quentin.

- Bill, I think it's a good
idea bringing Pam aboard,

but you gotta handle
that with a little more tact.

She is an attorney, you know.

- Yeah.

- She's a little overqualified
for that kind of work.

You can't just expect her

to sit on telephones
and get burgers.

- Yeah.

- And you gotta remember

this is not like in
the comic books.

I mean, I have responsibilities.

I have people who depend on me.

- Right.

- I can't just be expected
to duck into a phone booth,

and wham bam, pass the jam.

Yeah, you're right kid.

I may want you to put on
the suit and fly high cover.

I'm not flying anymore.

Don't be silly Ralph.

I just walk around with
this red neon jumpsuit

under my arm pretending
nothing's wrong.

Everything's wrong.

- Listen to me, I'm sitting
here talking to myself.

- Right kid.

Is it you Bill?

- Yeah sweetheart,
no other, open up.

Hi, baby.

- Who's that?

- Ah, my backup
man, Ralph Hinkley.

Meet Starlet Wild.

- Hello, Miss Wild.

- Pleased, I'm sure.

- Let me in.

- I can't believe I'm
actually in this rat trap.

I mean, you should've
seen my apartment in Vegas.

Oh, I had some dreamboat art.

You should've seen it.

- No kidding, I wish had.

- I did, I saw it last
August, remember?

Gorgeous stuff, seascape
paintings on the black velvet.

You would've loved it Ralph.

Well honey, we got
a airplane waiting

for us over in Oakland.

Where's your bag?

- Mr. Maxwell um, I won't fly.

I just won't.

Sure you will sweetheart.

That's the only way to do it.

- My astro-chart says I
shouldn't go on airplanes,

and that other fed,
well, he said I should.

Huh, look what happened.

- Uh Starlet, honey,

uh you can't ask us to drive you

all the way down
to L.A., it's suicide.

- Madam Orcus did this like
really involved astro-chart,

and I gave her like everything

from the time like I
was born till today.

- Starlet, angel,
that's garbage.

- Mr. Hinkley, do um,
do you believe in stars?

- Um well, Miss Wild, I
believe they're up there, yeah.

- Yeah, but I mean
do you believe

that they can
predict your future?

- Uh my, my future, well, uh
gee, I don't know about that.

- Okay, boys and
girls, over here please.

Let's put a dimmer
on the goo goo eyes,

and try to hold a thought.

We got killers on our tails
in the immediate vicinity.

- Oh, nobody's around here.

- Ralph, Ralph!

Get out there, get 'em.

We're pinned down.

Did you see any movement?

No, nothing.

- Get out there, get out there.

I don't wanna get out there.

You get out there!

Someone give me
just a little bitty break.

Oh my God, this
is the last time, Bill.

The very last time.

- Let's get outta here.

- I'm, I'm, the roof and um.

Uh, I'm terribly
sorry for the intrusion.

I uh, I guess I'll just
uh, use the stairs.

Please, as you were.

Costume party in
1013, you like it?

- This town is turning
into a real toilet.

Hurry up, hurry up!

Come on, let's get
outta here, come on!

Look at this guy.

Where do they get
these guys anyway?

Would you look at this guy.

That's the craziest
thing I've ever seen.

- Oh boy.

- What was that?

- Call for Mr. Henderson.

Judge Henderson?

Telephone for Mr. Henderson.

Call for Mr. Thomas Henderson.

Paging Mr. Henderson.

Call for Thomas Henderson.

Boy oh boy.

Well, when did they
start using that uniform?

- This afternoon.

I can't take it.

I feel like a fool.

I left my trench coat
in here this morning.

I'm quitting, I'd rather go
back to working elevators.

- Did you get 'em?

- I missed them.

- How?

- I crashed into the
penthouse across the street.

- Why did you do that?

- For laughs, would
you let me in please?

Thank you.

- Gee Mr. Hinkley, I thought
you were in the bathroom.

How come you're out here?

- Ah, Bill, you
explain it to her.

- Uh honey, it would strain,
strain you to your limits,

and I don't wanna strain
our relationship, right?

- I don't understand.

- Good, now uh, we have
to update this scenario,

'cause I think we can
safely assume at this time

that they are
definitely on to us.

- No flying, that's
my one condition.

Now, if you make me
fly I'm not gonna testify.

Go on, tell him
Mr. Hinkley, no flying.

- No flying for me either, Bill.

- You're making
me sick, both of ya.

I don't know what I did wrong.

- That sure must be
some real terrific book.

You ain't had your nose
out of it since we left Frisco.

- Oh, this isn't a
book, Miss Wilder.

It's a play, The
Taming of the Shrew.

- Hey, I saw that movie.

Liz Taylor and Richard Bourbon.

I mean, she's the shrew,

and their like
teachers at this college.

- No uh, that seems to be
a common misconception.

You're thinking
about Virginia Woolf.

- Hey listen, I
think Virginia Woolf

is a terrific actress too.

- No, Who's Afraid
of Virginia Woolf

is a play written
by Edward Albee,

and The Taming of the Shrew

is a play written by
William Shakespeare.

- You mean you're
reading Shakespeare?

You're actually sitting
here reading Shakespeare?

- All by myself.

Not even using a ruler.

Man, that is heavy.

Oh, I really think
that's neat, Mr. Hinkley.

I really like a guy
who's not afraid

to show that he's
got a softer side.

You know, between you and me,

I think intellect is very sexy.

- I was hoping
you'd feel that way.

- Okay, that's it.

I'm real tired.

We're gonna pull the
wheels up and pitch camp.

- We can't stop
till Santa Barbara.

- Why not?

- 'Cause it's on my astro-chart.

I'm supposed to never go
to sleep except by the water.

- That's the biggest
crock I ever heard of.

We're stopping at Salinas.

There's an FBI safe house there.

- Well, I won't do it.

If you make me I
just won't testify.

- I'm saying we stay in Salinas.

- Ah Bill, I have an idea.

- Good, put it
in a letter to me.

I'll try to get back to you
by the end of the month.

- If you listened a little
bit instead of just talking.

- I can't stand to
listen to dribble.

It makes my eyes water.

- Well Bill, Miss Wild just
said if we don't do it her way,

she won't testify.

- Boy, I hate the way
this is coming out.

Okay, okay, what's
your spark of genius?

- Pam's boss has a
house in Santa Barbara.

Maybe she can borrow it.

If she hustles she can
be up there by one a.m.

She opens it and we stay there.

- Does it have
cover on three sides?

Are the windows draped?

Is there a garage to hide the
car or doesn't anybody care?

- I don't know Bill,
but it's by the water.

- Sounds great to me.

- Okay, I can't take
anymore of this.

Uh, call Pam, okay,

and I'm sure
she's gonna love it.

- I hate it.

- Look honey, just do it, okay.

We're kinda improvising
because Starlet won't fly,

so we're driving down.

We're really bushed.

- Okay, okay, I'll meet you
there in about two hours.

All right, how was the
rest of play practice?

- Oh, it was horrible.

Rhonda wants to play
Kate like Faye Dunaway,

and Tony's going for a
Brandoesque Petruchio.

It's not working.

- Come on, kid.

We gotta keep moving.

Uh, that was uh.

- I heard, I heard.

Just tell him it's old third
string Pam to the rescue.

- All right, adios.

♪ She fell in with a
hard nose crowd ♪

♪ They drink too much
and they talk too loud ♪

♪ They speak their
minds with a .44 ♪

♪ But she ain't gonna
take no more, no ♪

♪ She's running away
from the life she led ♪

♪ There's a contract
out on her head ♪

♪ With a lot of luck
and a little song ♪

♪ She's gonna put 'em
where they all belong ♪

♪ Hang on sister ♪

♪ Things are
gonna be just fine ♪

♪ Oh, ride on sister ♪

♪ Ride to the end of the line ♪

I was getting worried.

- Dynamite Davidson.

Two sides are covered
and the beach is wide open.

You really had me
worried, sensational.

- Hello Pam, gee I'm
sorry for all the trouble.

Uh, oh, Miss Starlet Wild,

I'd like you to meet
Miss Pam Davidson.

Pleased, I'm sure.

- Nice to meet you.

You uh, you ever a dancer hon?

You got a real cute shape.

- Uh no, not professionally.

- Well, if you're interested,
I know this guy in Reno.

He'll give a girl a break.

Of course, you gotta work
topless, but the pay is okay.

- Thank you, Miss Wild,
but uh, I'm an attorney.

A lawyer, mouthpiece.

Oh.

- Davidson, no coffee,
no Cokes, no burgers.

There's nothing here.

What happened?

Ralph, I'd like to
talk to you, please.

They're holed up
in Santa Barbara,

about a mile from here.

- Listen Bob, I want this ended.

- I know, I know.

I left her at the beach
house off the road.

It's in the bag.

- I don't want anymore calls.

I wanna read about it
in the paper, that's it.

Morning.

What've you got there?

- What I got here is a
half a box of stale biscuits

that would float in
a tub of spit forever.

See, a good backup
man plans in advance,

because he knows
that speed and efficiently

depend on keeping the field
operatives sharp and steady.

- An army moves on
its stomach, right Bill?

- You did good on the house,

but you run a real
sloppy feed kitchen, kiddo.

- Bill, these are dog biscuits.

- I know, what do you
think I'm crying about?

Where's Ralph?

- He's in the bathroom

putting his red jammies
on under his clothes.

- She's coming on
to him, you notice?

- I noticed.

- Well, you've got my permission
anytime, wacky smacky.

- Anytime what?

- If she gets outta
line with our boy.

Thump, be my guest.

- You know, sometimes
it's hard to believe

you live in this century, Bill.

- Funny, that was my
idea about you, Davidson.

I wanna be outta her by 10.

That'll put us in
L.A. just after 12.

Grand jury hears
this thing at one,

and Johnny the Dancer

gets the proverbial
concrete block walls by five.

Anybody in there?

Yoo hoo, come on.

Is anybody in there?

- It's me, Miss Wild.

Uh, well how long are
you gonna hog the johnny?

Oh come on honey, I
don't mind sharesies.

- I'll be out in a minute.

I'm just putting on my robe.

- We don't say good
morning or nothing?

- Uh, good morning.

Um look, Miss Wild, would
you please not go outside,

and stay away from the windows.

We have to be very cautious.

- You know, I never been
attracted to a fed before.

It's, you know, kinda weird.

- Well, I'm not
exactly a fed, see.

- Ralph, are you and that
um, you know, that lawyer.

Are you guys going together?

- Uh, yeah.

- Too bad.

- Yeah, yeah.

Bill, Bill, they're out
there, two guys with a rifle.

- Where?

- Well, I didn't
actually see them.

Kind of tuned in on
them with the suit.

- Okay, here's the scenario.

Pam, you get Miss Wild in
the bathroom on the floor.

- That sounds like fun.

Maybe that should
be Ralph's job.

- Pam, give me a break.

I haven't laid a glove on her.

- Hello boys and
girls, over here please.

Now Pam, if you hear me yell,

you get her to the car,

and get outta here
as fast as you can,

and if you don't you stay put.

You got it?

What're you gonna do?

- I'm gone out the
front, John Wayne style.

Gonna draw their
fire, flush 'em out,

and Ralph's gonna fly up and
drop a house on 'em, aren't ya?

- I already told ya,
I'm spooked with flying.

I'm not even gonna take a
commercial flight anymore.

- Do we have time for this?

Come on, you're
out the back window.

- Drop a house on 'em.

Well, here goes nothing again.

- I think you got him.

- Hello, got this one.

Get the other, up pal.

- Hey!

Pull over!

Get out.

- Great work kid, terrific.

Only, you gotta
get outta here fast.

I called the cops.

They're on the way.

- Well, give me
the keys to the car.

- I can't give ya the car.

This is my collar,
federal, remember.

I gotta take these
guys in myself,

and uh, I can't give
ya the van, come on,

because it's part of the arrest.

Stand up.

- Well Bill, I can't
walk back there.

You don't seem to understand.

Every time I get caught
in public wearing this thing

I end up in the fast
lane to the nuthouse.

- Well kid, I'll tell ya,

if it was me I'd just
take off, you know.

Give the suit some air,

because these
uh, these hick cops

ain't really gonna
understand, are they?

- You know, I don't like the
way you're handling things.

You're about that far from
the end of your rope with me.

- Ralph please, you
gotta get outta here.

You're gonna make it.

Now, all you do is
you keep your head up,

you point your toes.

You're gonna learn this,
now, I'm telling ya, I promise.

Hey, I'm going it!

Oh, no!

- Now em, if you boys are
really smart, you'll forget that,

because see, I already have.

Of course, it's uh, up to you.

- These guys, they're in
the Santa Barbara nuthouse.

I talked to one of these
topflight mechanics

you picked for me.

He says some super
guy broke up the hit.

Some super guy,
can you dig that?

I think both these guys
slipped their tracks.

I want the both of
them finished off.

They're unstable.

I'm going to L.A.

I'm gonna supervise this myself,

and you're going with me.

- Right Johnny.

The hit car's back in L.A.

I had it shipped
last night by truck.

It's in a garage near
Mama Rose's Restaurant.

I hired two new guys,
Johnny, L.A. talent.

It's gonna happen.

- Well, I wonder if he's gonna
get his gold stars this time.

- Wait here, Starlet.

Okay, I got it from
here, good job.

You're good troops angel.

- Thanks Bill, I'm really
gonna treasure that.

- On the other hand,

I'm gonna be working
on your attitude, Davidson,

'cause it's stinks.

Ralph, you all right?

- Oh yeah, I'm fine.

The ocean is
ice cold, that's all.

Let me tell ya something,
Bill, I'm through flying.

I'm handing in my
little aviators badge.

I'll stick with speed running,

the holographic vision stuff
that doesn't make me crazy.

- Boy, I really hate a quitter.

You fly great, it's
just your landings,

um need a little work.

So, we'll get out one Saturday.

We'll take a lunch maybe,

uh do a few touch and
goes, work out the kinks.

I'll help ya.

- Oh yeah, what're you gonna do?

Run around underneath
me stringing nets,

so I don't get hurt?

- No, I'm not gonna string nets.

I'm gonna try to find out
why you can't fly straight.

Ralph, if you don't fly,
we're outta business.

- Here's comes Miss Starlet.

We can ask her.

She's been higher than
a kite most of her life.

- Maybe in a wind
tunnel or something.

Figure out why
you're so unsteady.

- My number's in here
in case you need a friend.

- He's got my number
Miss Wild, he'll be fine.

- Don't get your britches
in an uproar, honey.

- Now, why didn't
I think to say that?

- You know, we lack continuity?

Tactically, the two
of you are a mess,

and I'm gonna
address myself to that

first thing in the morning.

Come on, the DA's waiting
inside, along with the big guys.

- I bet she signed
this with a smiling face.

- Oh Pam, would you relax.

I'm not gonna take up
with a gangsters girlfriend.

She doesn't fit
into my lifestyle.

- Can we get outta here, Ralph?

- Bill!

Starlet?

- Oh, those guys aren't foolin'.

- Bill, you all right?

- Yeah, it's just a scratch.

- Oh, begging your pardon,

but that went right
through your leg.

Let me get a tourniquet on that.

- Well, I'll be darn, wow.

- Miss Wild, if
you're all right,

the grand jury is
inside waiting for you.

- Oh, those guys
weren't foolin'.

- Sweetheart, say hello to
assistant DA, Arnold Turner.

Get her inside, Arnold.

- Bill, are you all right?

- Yeah, I'm okay, it's
just a through hole.

Get her indoors.

Okay.

- Give 'em hell baby.

I'll be walking right
beside you all the way.

Well, in spirit.

Mission, successful.

- If this is a success,

I'd hate to see
one of your failures.

- You're losing a
lot of blood, Bill.

We better get you to a doctor.

- Ain't nothing compared to
the way Johnny the Dancer's

gonna bleed when
she gets through talking.

- I'm invoking my
constitutional rights

to the 5th Amendment.

I refuse to answer any questions

on the grounds that they
may tend to incriminate me.

- In a couple of minutes the
smiling face of Arnold Turner

is gonna come up those stairs,

and give me the beautiful
blow by blow and there he is.

Doesn't look real happy, Bill.

- Ah, they teach them
that look at DA school.

Well Arnold, give
me the good news.

I wanna hear the juicy stuff.

- She took the
5th, we got nothing.

- Come on.

- I put in a call
to your superior.

You said you had a witness.

The taxpayers paid a fortune
to convene this grand jury,

and what do I get?

The 5th Amendment.

It's very sloppy
work, very sloppy job.

- Arnold, wait a minute.

I didn't call her.

She called me.

Said she wanted to nail him.

What's going on here?

- I think maybe I know.

- What?

- Sit down Bill,

'cause this is one scenario
you're not gonna like.

Since last night, little
by little, you've been,

you've been cornering the
market on adhesive tape.

You look like that last soldier
off the beach of Dunkirk.

- Yeah, so what?

They were trying to kill her.

We took a little gas
stopping them, that's all.

- Or they were
trying to kill you, Bill.

15 years of pulling on
Johnny Damanti's chain.

15 years of weekends
in the library.

Maybe you finally got to
The Dancer's gag reflex.

What if he had Starlet call you?

All that stuff about Mrs.
Orcus and her astro-charts.

We can't stop till we
get to Santa Barbara.

We can't fly.

She was leading you
through the gauntlet,

and those killers were
waiting for us to pass.

Bill, she gets down here
and she takes the 5th.

- Ah no, um, no.

No, uh uh.

Hello, ain't that something?

- Aren't you angry?

You're not?

- Nah kid, I'm a
pro, it's business.

- Well, I'm angry!

- What've you got
to be angry about?

- What am I angry about, huh?

Is that the question, Bill?

What am I angry about?

Well, I'll tell ya what
I'm angry about.

I'm angry, one,

because obviously you
don't know what you're doing.

- Wait a minute.

- I'm angry because I'm
flying into windows and walls.

Everybody out of the
pool, here comes Ralph!

- Lower your voice, please.

- I mean, everything,
everything, Bill.

We have nothing.

All of this was for nothing.

Bull, you're plugged,

because the cupcake turned
out to be a wrong number,

and she was puttin' you on too.

Oh, that is so heavy man.

You're so sexy.

- And I'm angry,

because maybe I care
about what happens to you.

I don't like to see
you dressed up

like Lon Chaney in
The Mummy's Tomb,

and I'm frustrated,

because I don't know
how to use this super suit.

- What about me?

15 years bonehead
work done the drain.

Johnny winds up
going to the Grammy's,

snorting coke, being pretty.

I wind up with
counting my sutures.

- A partnership is more

than just you
calling the shots Bill.

A partnership assumes
that the other partner

has something to say
about the way it goes.

- I don't have too much sympathy

for the concept
of partners, Ralph.

Experience tells us in the field

it doesn't work out too well.

- No kidding.

You're sitting there
looking like an add

for an insurance company.

Bill, what we're
doing is not working,

or haven't you noticed?

- I'm real tired kid.

I had a bad day.

You're not making it better.

- I had a bad day.

What about my day, bucko?

My day ranks right down
there with my divorce.

Now, we got some
problems here, Bill.

We gotta solve them.

- I can't stand this
yammering anymore.

I gotta get some cigars.

Give me five minutes.

- Yeah right, good idea.

A cigar oughta fix everything.

- I tried Johnny, I really did.

I'm sorry, it just
didn't work out.

- The only thing that's
worked out in the last 24 hours

is this tuxedo,

and if I didn't look
so good in this thing,

I'd smack you right now.

- Johnny here?

Oh yeah.

Hey, hey, they gang's all here.

♪ What the heck do we care ♪

♪ What the heck do we care ♪

♪ Hey, hey, the
gang's all here ♪

♪ What the heck do we care now ♪

Ouch, the hand hurts
worse than the foot.

You gotta be more careful
when you eat this stuff, John.

You got some sauce in your lap.

Freeze, Mike.

Understand you're
gone to the Grammy's.

A little bird told me.

Say hello for me to
all the pretty people.

- Give me your gun, Mike.

- You can't, you can't
Johnny, it's crazy.

- You gonna hire me a
couple more pencil necks?

No, nothing doing.

I'm through with this guy.

He's dead, get the car.

Did you get your cigars?

- Huh, no, they were out.

Do you wanna drive?

Leg's starting to smart.

- No kidding, wonder of wonders.

Look Bill, it's
really just a matter

of trying sorting
out our problems.

Now, one of my problems

is that you never tell
me what you're up to.

- Sure I do.

- No you don't.

I mean, you give
me this need to know

government
security Vaseline job.

You act like because
you carry around

$20.00 worth of government tin

with your picture
on an I.D. card,

you get to be boss.

Well, today's newsflash is
partner, I'm not in the FBI.

I can do whatever I want.

I'm as free as a bird.

Even though I
can't fly like one.

- Sure kid.

- I mean I think if we just
talk and we communicate

our problems will
just sort of disappear.

- I got ya kid.

I think you're
talking good sense.

Listen, uh, where you headed?

- School.

- Uh huh, okay good,
that'll work, that's good.

You see, like right
now for instance.

I mean, you probably haven't
even heard a word I said.

For all I know,

we could be heading
into the biggest shootout

in the last 20 years.

- Yep, right, gotcha.

I'll be working on that kid.

Ow, you still got the uh,
the suit on under there?

- Yep, it's still damp right
down to my little red booties.

- Okay, perfect,
absolutely perfect.

No way not.

- I'm late.

- Late for what?

- I was supposed
to be here at 4:30.

Pam set it up.

- What do you mean everyone?

The joint's empty, schools
out, there's nobody here, right?

- Oh no no, it's
not empty, look.

- Hey Mr H., we've
been waiting for ya.

Hey, Mr. H. is here.

All right.

- What are you
trying to do to me?

Who are these people?

- See now Bill, that's what
I've been talking about.

I've been telling
ya all day, Bill.

These are the parents that
are helping us put on the show.

- Show.

- Well, here goes nothing.

Most of these parents

need to be
introduced to their kids

before we get started.

- That bad, huh?

- Ah, partner, we, we got
a leading problem here.

Ah, ladies and gentlemen,

ah, may I have your
attention please?

Ah, listen up.

We got a condition red here.

I want everybody in the
place down on the floor,

between the chairs,
between the seats, please!

Pam, call the cops!

What've you done to me, Bill?

Find someplace to change.

This is a school Bill,
this is where I teach.

This really stinks.

Ralph, Ralph, where are you?

- Coming!

Ralph!

Coming!

- What's was that?

- Ralph, do something!

- Huh, son of a gun.

- Oh boy, the heat's
on the way, Bill.

I gotta get outta here.

- Yeah.

- How do we get 'em out?

Ah Johnnie, you
wanna come out nice,

or you wanna be convinced,
a little shake and bake?

- You're nothing, Maxwell.

You're a dead man.

- Okay Ralph, we got the
chicken in the bag, shake 'em up.

Johnny, that's the shake.

Now what, you want the bake?

Answer up now.

- Maxwell, you rat fed.

- Guys just never learn.

Okay, okay, I had enough.

- Okay Johnny, come to papa.

Ground floor, Ralph.

You done terrific
kid, sensational.

I gotta hand it to you.

Get up here.

- Ah, just an
idle question, Bill.

How did this car,
these guys get here?

- Well, when I went for the
cigars I had a little accident.

Dumped a plate of
spaghetti in Johnny's lap.

- Oh I see, and
then you neglected

to tell me about it, right?

- Well, you were
ranting and raving kid.

I uh, didn't wanna
add to your problems.

- Boy, you know, you
and I got a long way to go.

We got a long way to go.

- Terrific, I wish
you'd start now.

Come on, fly outta here, Ralph.

I'll bring your duds.

Ah, get going, they're
coming around the building.

- You're him.

They weren't crazy.

That's the super guy.

- Not really, John.

- Now, I'm gonna give you

the same friendly advice
I gave your hit guys,

but they didn't listen,

so they wound up in the
rubber room in the funny jackets.

You didn't see this.

It never happened.

- I have no problem with that.

Damn.

Hey, come here everybody,
come here, come here.

I wanna talk to you.

Okay, I want you
guys to go out there,

and knock them dead, all right.

I mean, go out there and
have a really good time.

Just have a lot of fun, okay.

Do you have butterflies?

- I don't have no butterflies.

Is that a question
you ask me, come on.

- You got 'em, Tony, admit it.

The whole school is out there.

- I told ya, I don't get
butterflies, all right.

You keep this up,

they're gonna have to
carry you on the stage,

and lean you against
the wall, you know.

- Okay, okay, now listen.

Remember, if you're
up on your lines

I'll be in the wings with
some line prompting,

so just kind of move
over and I'll feed it to you.

- All right gang, it's showtime.

The director always sits in
the audience opening night,

so I'm gonna be
out there watching.

Break a leg.

- I ain't breakin' nothing.

- Okay, Oscar, let's go.

Hey, I'm excited.

Well hey, thanks Pam
for helping me out.

- It was great.

- Yeah.

- Maxwell's out there.

I'm surprised he came the
way he feels about these kids.

- Yeah, I know, I guess he
knows how hard we worked.

- Or maybe it's his way
of saying he likes us.

- Well, with Bill
you never can tell.

- I'm proud of you.

- You didn't do bad yourself.

- Thanks.

- Let's go.

- Verona, for a while I
think I'll take my leave

to see some of my
friends in Padua,

but of all my best and
beloved friends and approved,

Hortense and I think
this is his house.

Here, sirrah
Grumio, knock, I say.

- Thanks for coming, Bill.

I appreciate the support.

- Ah, forget support.

I don't support nothing.

Come on, I love
Shakespeare that's all, shh.

Pena smacks it into right field

for a double.

Here comes Garvey.

Here comes Cey.

Dodgers score three
to two in the seventh

with one out and
Lopes on second.

The Phillies come out swinging

in the top of the
sixth with five.