The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 9, Episode 22 - The Goldbergs - full transcript

Adam's graduation day is approaching and everyone is ready -- except for Beverly, who is not coping well with the idea of an empty nest; with Geoff's encouragement, Erica decides to try out as a one-time backup singer replacement.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
The '80s were
filled with monumental moments

that brought us all together.

In my household, that was
me graduating high school

and making sure my mom wasn't
gonna crumble to pieces.

Thank you for
coming. Thank you.

I'm honored that you
purchased us a meet-and-greet

with Hollywood actor Bill Bixby.

He's the guy who plays the Hulk
when he's lame and not green.

Wait, Adam said that I was
getting a lifetime supply

of Maybelline lip products.

Am I not getting my
cherry cola gloss?

I will put my hands on you!

Sorry, it was just something
I said to get you here.

Then who the hell am I
here to meet and/or greet?

Me? Worst day ever!

We're getting off topic.

Tomorrow, I graduate
high school,

and Mom is inevitably
gonna fall to pieces.

Yeah, she is. Oh,
I do get a gift.

All I'm asking is
for my loving family

to keep her busy and distracted.

No. Never.

Come on!

You two are my siblings!

We share a bond.

Let me stop you right there.


I just wanted to
stop you right there.

Okay, what the dope means is,

we had to go through
this when we graduated,

so now you have to
go through it, too.

But I'm her last schmoo!

She's gonna freak out way
more than with you two.

Oh, I never thought
of it like that.

That changes everything.
It makes it way funnier.

Best day ever!

Adam, I feel bad for you.

But I also don't
feel bad for you.

Blessings upon me.

All my boopies
together in one place?

What is this?

Everyone just
stopped by for my...

"We Are the Jenkintown"
charity music video.

Oh, like "We Are the World," but
infinitely smaller. What's your charity?

Uh, a really good one.

The Downtown... Women's...
Center for Charity... Business.

Be careful, Adam.

Most of these places
are gonna rip you off,

and that one sounds
a little fake.

Because it is. Adam's scared
that you're gonna wig out

and wreck his graduation,
like you absolutely will.

You can all relax.

I know tomorrow is a big
day in the history of me,

but I'm gonna be fine.

Plus, I've got my job as
Quaker Warden to distract me.

Even though it's
largely ceremonial?

I am also a woman
of many hobbies,

like tennis, bedazzling,
and cheesing meats.

Those will fill a minute or two,

but there's, like, eight
waking hours in a day.

You sleep way too much, Barry.

Trust me, I got this.

This is a surprisingly
refreshing attitude

that I will grasp onto.

Now, stop worrying about me.

Get on out there and
live your young lives.

Scoot! Move it!

Welcome to the rest of your
life, Beverly Goldberg.

Yep, my mom
had it all planned out.

Until she found herself
in an empty house,

totally and completely alone.

It was May
18th, 1980-something,

and my sister, Erica,
and her new husband

were settling into a
life of marital bliss.

Done. Check it.

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Schneider,

thank you for the set of
Egyptian cotton sheets.

We will think of you every time
we climb into bed together."

Roll it back in your head, babe.

Oh, no, I'm an
unintentionally naughty boy.

While you're at it, you might
want to take another crack at

the one for the Rosens
about the espresso machine

and how much fun we'll have
grinding every morning?

Aw. Huge news!

You have a key to our apartment?

I had one made so I have a place
to shower in this neighborhood.

But I'm gonna be a pop star!

Seems unlikely, but
I'll go for a ride.

Cyndi Lauper has a
show at the Spectrum,

and one of her backup
singers left the tour

to take care of her dad, who
got trapped in a grain silo

and developed something
called "wheat brain."

Uh-oh, not wheat brain!

It may not be that,
but the point is,

Cyndi's holding auditions
for a one-night replacement.

It's all over the radio
at my therapist's office.

And anyone can try out?

Erica, you got to do this.

I'm sorry, is Erica
the one whose parents

bought her a fake Grammy on
their trip to California?

Babe, I left my rock
'n' roll dreams behind.

I traded in my guitar for a guy

with long eyelashes and
remarkably soft hands.

It's nice that you find beauty
in my less masculine features,

but, come on, it's
just one night,

and who's got a
better voice than you?

Um, the girl who had
Dad buy her a piano

that she only used for
hiding wine coolers?

Joanne, you don't even sing.

Aunt Mildred says I
have the "it" factor.

No, she said you have
the "ick" factor.

Who cares? I'm
gonna be a star.

Barry's really
rubbing off on her.

Yeah, he is. Please,
do it for me.

You know how much I used to
love watching you perform.

I guess it'd be fun
to just audition.

Fun, the thing that girls
just want to have, per Cyndi.

Fine, you may have the looks
and the incredible voice

and a stage presence
that draws the eyes,

but you don't got what I got.

Is it the address?

I can just turn on the
radio. Oh, damn it.

While Erica was
gonna chase her dreams again,

my mom was interrupting mine.


So not okay!

No, what's not okay
is you keep moving.

How else am I supposed
to finish sketching

the front of my "Adam
Sleeping Angel" book?

I didn't sign off
on that project.

I'm an adult.

Please don't be in my
room while I sleep.

Oh, poo, you don't mind
it when I brush your hair.

What? Why do you think
it's so silky smooth

when you wake up in the morning?

It's the mama hair fairy. Ugh!

Fine, I'll do it from memory.

It was
a waking nightmare.

Graduation day was almost here,

and my mom was still treating
me like I was a baby.

This is your captain speaking.

I have a Pancake Airlines
flight yumming in for a landing.

And from there, believe
it or not, it only got worse.

Look what I found!

A painful memory
from my childhood?

Fun story... I was
up in the attic

just rooting through
all the dozens of boxes

of your childhood clothes
with my headlamp on,

and I just stumbled across it.

That is fun, if "fun" means
totally and disturbingly insane.

Oh, I knew you'd be excited,
too. Wanna try it on?

Not even a little,
which is what that is,

because, again, I
wore it as a child.

Well, I'm gonna let
it out a little bit

to accommodate your beautifully
developing man body.

To think if I hadn't stopped
to load up on groceries,

I would've missed this
incredibly awesome moment.

Why are you here again?

Picking up toilet paper,
cereal, string cheese,

a variety of juice boxes.

You want me to go to the
market like an animal?

They want money for that stuff!

I gotta go make some
last-minute alterations.

Oh, this is so much fun!

This is bad.

She's in total denial
that I'm graduating.

I know you already said no,

but I really need
your help, man.

Suppose I were to help
you, what's in it for me?

The deep gratitude
of your only brother?


I guess I could take all
your graduation gifts.

But they're a way for
the people in my life

to honor my biggest achievement.

And now they'll be honoring me.

Fine, all the extremely
personal, tailor-made gifts

to start my adult
life are yours.

Yeah, they are. And
for no other reason

beyond cruel whimsy,
I want the cards too.

As Barry drove
a hard bargain for my stuff,

Erica was ready
to strut her stuff

and crush her audition
for Cyndi Lauper.

Hey, how are you feeling?

I guess, nervous.

I mean, I don't usually
get stage fright,

but I just threw up
in a plastic plant.

That's because I'm
in your head, girl.

Look at me.

I've prepared nothing, and I
haven't even broken a sweat.

Joanne, what are you
gonna do? Freestyle, baby.

I'm best when I'm in the moment.


Music... it's easy.

Attention, nameless hopefuls.

I am Delia Thornton,
Ms. Lauper's manager,

confidant, and second cousin.

It's all about who you
know, and thankfully,

I know my grandpa's
brother's granddaughter.

Well, be prepared to have
your socks knocked off.

I'm assuming you're wearing
socks, because if not, gross.

Hard pass. What? I-I
haven't even sung a note.

I don't like your energy.

Thank you for your
consideration. Mm.

Erica Goldberg. ERICA: Here.

Um, I'm gonna sing
"Time After Time."

Oh, great, I haven't heard
that one today. Oh, good.

A one, two, three.

No, no. That's enough.

Bomb city.

You're hired. Everybody
else, you can leave.

For real?
Yeah, for real?

For real. You've got pipes,

and I desperately
want this to be over.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, my God, oh, my
God, oh, my God!

You get to sing
with Cyndi Lauper!

How do you feel? I feel...

While Erica panicked
about performing for a full house...

Barry was gonna
show my mom that it wasn't so bad

to have an empty one.

Mom, Pop-Pop's come for a visit!

Mama, look, it's treasured
family friend, Bill Lewis!

Mother of mine, it's neighbor
and unlikely confidant,

John Glascott.

Grizzled Grandpappy, a query.

You've raised two kids.

How's life been since they
went out on their own?

Best years of my life.

Without a doubt,
it has been nice.

While I have almost no
living relatives or progeny,

I consider my empty home a gift.

Barry had
considered everything,

except that this
was a terrible idea.

I'm completely alone.

Every sound at night
is just a burglar

coming to extinguish
the pain of existence.

Sure, there were some dark
days after Lainey left.

Dark, dark, daaaaark days.

And nights, which
are naturally dark.

I currently fill my time

updating John and
Bev's Adventure List.

This notebook contains over 100
fun activities and vacations

that you and I can go on
once Adam's out of my way.

I spend my evenings
at the window

flinging pistachio shells at
the mice I've given names to.

Oh, who am I kidding?
They're rats!

Never cleaned Lainey's room.

She'd left a bowl of Doritos

that rotted into
mushy green triangles.

Every once in a
while, I'd eat one

and I swear I can
hear her laughter.

And if you look on page 37,

you'll see the Ottawa
Non-Alcoholic Wine Festival.

But eventually, you get
up, brush your tongue,

and pretend life is okay.

Every time I fall, I say, "This
is where I'm going to die."

It's just Canadian grape juice.

But the real buzz
comes from the people.

Mama, your mouth is hanging
open. That's good, right?

For sure, schmoopie.

Hard to know, but I
think I made it better.

The show had just ended,
but my sister was still buzzing

with excitement for living
out her rock star dream.

Oh, my God, that was amazing!

You were amazing! I was?

I mean, I felt like I
was, but you felt it, too?

Totally! I mean, I was sitting
right next to the fog machine,

so for a while, I thought you were
the keyboardist. He has bangs, too.

He also has a soul patch.

Like I said, it was foggy.

Hon, thanks so much for
pushing me to do this.

This was the best night
of my entire life.

How would you like to have
243 more just like it?

Um, what are you talking about,

Cyndi Lauper's cousin's cousin?

I'm talking about you coming
with us on the European tour.

Cyndi likes you.

Oh, my God, she
does? She does.

You blend in perfectly with
the background in every way.

So, are you in?

Oh, my God, I-I don't know.

I mean, uh, we just got married
and I'm still in school.

Uh, do I have to
decide right now?

No, no, take your time.

I'll just tell Cyndi
you're on the fence

about traveling
the world with her.

Wait, no, she's doing it.

Geoff, are you serious?

This has always been your dream.

Until it wasn't your
dream for a little while,

but then it became
your dream again,

and you gotta follow
that dream to Europe,

home of all the great wars.

Fun guy you got there.

So, I'm gonna pencil
you in as yes?

I guess this is

It's really happening.
Yeah, it is.

While Geoff knew Erica
couldn't turn down that offer,

Barry turned to the Frentas
to help with my mom.

There you are.

It was so hard to find you two,

because neither
of you have jobs.

Uh, I have a thriving
floral business.

Don't make me repeat myself.

And motherhood is a full-time...

Save it. Barry Goldberg!

I'm sorry, I'm just really
worried about my mom.

Oh, no! Is she okay?

She's mumbling about
building a time machine

to go back when her little baby

suckled at her life-giving
grocery store. Her words.

And yet you remembered them

and thought to repeat
them loudly in public.

I'm not looking for a
give-and-take, Ginzy.

Time to throw on your
unflattering jogging suits

and lift her spirits with
one of your power walks!

Well, I wish I could, but I
sprained my ankle at aerobics class.

Well, crossing the street to
get to the wine bar after.

Also, I didn't go
to aerobics class.

No one cares about your
lack of discipline, Essie.

You need to help distract
my mom from the sad reality

that her weirdest and youngest
child is leaving home!

Barry, despite your
unappealing words,

I understand, because my Chad
is also graduating today.

Never heard of him. Stop
with these flimsy excuses

and do your duty

as my mother's best
friends/pathetic followers.

Now, go! Go, go! Oh. Okay.

Mama, look!

Your dear and aged friends are
here of their own free will!

Why, so they can say goodbye
forever like everybody else?

Sniffle, sniffle.

I'm sorry, I would sniffle
for real, but all the crying

has left me stripped of
my natural moistures.

Actually, we're here to take you

on a little
pick-me-up power walk.

Fresh air, Mama.

God's Renuzit.

Well, I guess a little
exercise might be a good thing.

There you go!

Now hit the open road with
these two tumbleweeds.

Come on, off you go.

As Barry
sent my mom out walking,

Geoff was prepping
Erica for the road.

Surprise! You're all packed.

Wow, look at you.
Ready to get rid of me.

No, but I bet you'll never guess
where all your underwear is.

Is it stuffed in my shoes?

Yeah, it's the patented
Schwartz space saver.

And don't forget to layer up,

because Europe has seven
different climates.



What are you doing?

Geoff, just stop! Stop what?

You always do this!

You're always such a
supportive and loving husband

who puts my needs first!

I don't mean to! Of
course you never mean to.

You just are.

And I'm sick of it!

You're always like
"you, you, you, Erica,"

but what about your
needs, damn it?

Well, my only need is
for you to be happy.

How dare you?

What about your
happiness, mister?

Have you ever
considered yourself

for one single, solitary second?

No. Of course you haven't,
you unselfish jerk.

I thought I was doing
what you wanted.

You are... always,
and I've had enough.

I'm sorry, I guess?

Well, you shouldn't be.

Every time you open your mouth,
something nice spills out

and you make me feel like the
luckiest girl in the world.

I can do better. You can't,
you sweet son of a bitch.

You're literally perfect.

I don't have to
be. I can change.

I can be the bad man you want.

You say that, but
you don't mean it.

Just let me try. Fine!

For once in your life,
stop being so damn loving

and tell me what you want.

I don't want you to go to
Europe with Cyndi Lauper.

And there it is!

But guess what?

I don't want to go either.

I'm so lost.

So, wh-what's gonna happen?

I'll tell you
what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna stay right here
with my amazing husband.

You are? But what
about your dream?

Geoff, you're my dream.


My God, I love you so much.

I love you, too.

While Erica and Geoff
made a big decision together,

it was finally time
for my big day.

Graduation was here,

and everything was
just as I'd imagined,

except for the fact that
Beverly Goldberg was missing.

Where the hell's my mom?

The only possible answer is

she's trapped at the
bottom of a wishing well.

Dave Kim!

It's more plausible
than her missing

her schmoopie's special day.

Adam, I'm sure
she's just parking.

Or maybe Dave Kim's
bottom-of-the-well thing.

It is odd.

Barry, where's Mom?

She's not up there with you?

Why would Mom be with me?

I don't know. To make you
sit in her lap one last time?

What you two have is weird.

What's weird is that I'm here,
and too early, if I may add.

And spare me some
speeches some kid makes

that life is too short.

Not short enough, if you ask me.


Keep an eye on our
uplifting grandfather.

I'll go find Mom. Excuse me.

And so, my brother hit
the streets with one mission...

Get Beverly Goldberg
to graduation.

the hell is my mom?

She was so fast.

Like a racehorse, you know?

We couldn't keep up.

Which way? There's
no way to tell.

I blinked and she was
beyond the horizon.

She has another gear, man.

Like, so explosive through
her thighs and glutes.

Now, please, take me
to my son's graduation!

Sorry, no time!

Yep, my mom had gone rogue,

and nothing was gonna stop
Barry from finding her...

except this.

Officer Puchinski,
let me go through.

I have a minor family emergency.

Oh, I'm aware.

Get her out of the


What are you doing?

Oh, hey, boopie, I'm just
getting a little power walk in.

It's just, Adam is graduating
from high school right now.

Oh, I don't know what
you're talking about.

If I'm not there, it couldn't
possibly be happening.

Look, I know you're having
a hard time right now,

but you can't miss this.
It's really important.

What's important is I keep
walking and no one grows up

and no one ever leaves me
and nothing ever changes.

But that's not how it works.

Why can't it?

Then my babies
would still be here,

and I wouldn't be
completely clueless

about what to do with
the rest of my life.

I'll tell you what
you're gonna do.

You're gonna face it head-on.

Might not always be easy.

In fact, it... it
might hurt sometimes,

but you're so
lucky, 'cause Adam?

He's gonna miss you as much
as you're gonna miss him.

How do you know?

Because that's how I feel.

Why do you think I'm
always at the house?


Obviously, but also
because it's home.

It's where you and Dad are.

That will never, ever change.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm missing
my baby's graduation!

The hell you are.
I heard every word.

Stay on my tail.

Beverly! Wait!

The time
to graduate was here,

but my mom still wasn't.

Welcome, students and families,

to the graduation of
the class of 198...

If everyone would
please take a seat,

we will... commence.

Henry Abington,

come get your diploma.

What the hell, man?

It's starting, and my
mom is nowhere in sight.

Mine is.

What? Does everything
have to be about you?

Brea Bee!

Come on down!

Sorry, Ad, kinda gotta do this.

At least try to stall.

Stall? Vamp?

Do a little soft shoe? Tell
a story with your feet.

Brea, I
got a lot of names here.

If you'd just put a
little zip in your howdy.

He has no power
over you anymore.

You are molasses, baby.

Let's go, youngsters.

There you are.
Where've you been?

Oh, um, I was still nauseous,

so I just popped in
to see the doctor.

Is everything all
right? Actually, yeah.

Better than all right.


You may begin, I'm here.

And I'm here, too! I'm
so sorry, Chadwick!

Your father saved
us terrible seats.

Oh, Mom! You made it
out of the wishing well.

What does that mean, schmoopie?

It's one of the many working
theories of your whereabouts.

Any chance you were
buried under rubble?

I had $20 on it.

Barry, thank you.

No problem, Ad Rock.

It's a pretty big
day for all of us.

And that includes all
the other people here

who aren't Goldbergs.

Now can I please get
these kids off my books?

Do your thing!
I'm barely here.

Adam Frederick Goldberg.


And with that, it was
a few steps to the end of an era.

It happened in a blink,
and I can only imagine

what that felt like for my mom.

Yeah, I couldn't have
done any of it without her or my dad.

And standing up
there, I thought about

all the people who
got me to this day...

The friends, the teachers...

And another page turns.

Way to go, young people!

but especially
the greatest, most insane,

loving family a kid
could ever ask for.

Mama, you okay?

You know what? I am. I am.

I know there's no more babies
at home, but it's okay.

I'm excited for what's next.

Yeah, Mom, about that.

Oh, my God.

You're not.

What isn't she?

Actually, I am.

is she screaming?

Geoff, we're having a baby.

Really? I'm gonna be a dad?

You're gonna be the best dad.

Mazel tov, kiddos.

My baby's having a baby!

I'm gonna be a grandma!

That's the most important
person in a new child's life!

You know,
my Pops once said,

"Always bet on
the side of love."

I miss him every
day, but he lives on,

because like with all matters
of the heart, he was right.

That's just what my family does.

We bet on love.

And for the most part, it's
worked out pretty great.

Of course, looking back,

every little detail may not
have been exactly right.

But there's one thing
I am sure about...

It was a day I
would never forget.

You know how it goes by now.

It was 1980-something, the
year I graduated high school,

the year I became an
uncle, and it was awesome.

Hurry up, I'm excited!

Just know I'm doing this
as a graduation gift to you.


An angel has fallen to
earth and put on a sweater.

I immediately regret this.

Cool train, bro.

That means you're a train lover.

It's open to interpretation!

Oh, but wait, there's more.
Please say there's a hat.

You know there's a damn hat!

For the kissy express,

of course the
conductor wears a hat.