The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 9 - The Goldbergs - full transcript

Beverly enlists Erica's help to sue her cookbook publisher after finding her book in the bargain bin at a bookstore; Adam and Pops bond while taking a trip on the wild side.

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Back in the '80s, my mom
was obsessed with the TV drama L.A. Law.

Counsel, approach the bench.

This legal soap had it all,

romance, intrigue,
shoulder pads,

and, best of all,
tough-as-nails lady lawyers.

If I have any more
trouble from you,

I will do exactly
that. Is that clear?

I love Susan Dey.

She's in charge in the
courtroom and the bedroom.

Ew. Ugh! Mom said "bedroom."

Look at that
full-grown Partridge.



This is Hollywood nonsense.

Real lawyers fight for justice,

and they're not involved in
that many courthouse shootings.

Erica, tell it to someone who
couldn't have been a lawyer.

And that's when
my sister dropped a bombshell.

I finally declared
a major. Pre-Law.

The you say?

You heard me.

I'm considering
getting my law degree.

Shut up. Shut up.
Shut your perfect mouth!

Murray, did you hear that?

Our daughter's
gonna be a lawyer!

I get to pay for more school.

Ow!



Oh! It's all happening!

I've got one child who's
gonna be an Oscar winner,

another who's gonna
be the Surgeon General,

and now a Supreme Court Justice!

Yeah,
and I'm actually gonna be an eye doctor.

Nobody cares. Murray!
We won parenting!

If you say so. I do!

Now the world needs to know!

Attention,
children of lesser mothers!

I won parenting!

I won parenting.

Did you want to buy a ticket?

Oh, I already have a ticket.

To the rocket ride of
my children's success!

I'd like to make a deposit.

This just says,
"I won parenting."

And you can take
that to the bank.

I won parenting!

Yeah,
you did. What are you doing?

Sorting M&M's.

Yellows are the yummiest, huh?

I kinda won parenting!

You get that out of your system?

Almost.

I won parenting! Hi-yah!

It was January 27,
1980-something,

and I was devouring
the sci-fi classicCocoon,

the totally believable story
of nursing-home residents

who are reinvigorated by
an alien fountain of youth.

Good thing my
Pops didn't need that.

Or so I thought.

Well, that was confusing.

You wanna hit the deli,

get a cheese blintz,

and sort out what happened?

What happened
is you slept through

one of the greatest movies ever.

Is it my fault it's dark
and smells like butter?

You brought a pillow.

I shoulda brought a blanket,
too.

It's colder than a toilet
seat at midnight in there.

As fun as it is to think about

your moonlit
bathroom adventures,

you need to see it again.

I saw enough.

Doesn't matter.

All the elderly friskiness
has given me an idea.

Let's dance our way home
while checking out ladies

that are age-inappropriate
for both of us.

Better idea. I go home
and sleep off this movie nap.

While I was worried
that my Pops was slowing down,

my mom's enthusiasm for
Erica's career path was revving up.

Mom,
I-I don't think a power suit

with triple the shoulder pads

was a necessary purchase.

You are a high-powered
attorney now.

You need to look the part.

I'm a low-powered sophomore

who eats Lucky
Charms for dinner.

That's not what your
business cards say.

"Erica Goldberg, Esquire.

"Defense attorney to the stars"?

All the men will want you,

and all the women will hate you.

But I don't want that.

I want to help the disenfranchised,
the poor.

Poor? Well,
how are you gonna be able

to afford your
Bimmer convertible

and a house in Brentwood?

Where?

It's an exclusive L.A. enclave.

Dabney Coleman lives there.

I don't want to be neighbors
with Dabney Coleman.

Look, choosing a major

made me do some soul-searching,

and I realized that choosing
a career just for the money

is never gonna make me happy.

Of course.

And that's when she saw it.

What the actual?

It was my mom's cookbook.

Her life's highest achievement.

Her proudest triumph.

Now only 99 cents.

Uh, shelving emergency!

This life-changing,
full-priced masterwork

was in with the garbage books.

That's not a mistake.

All the out-of-print
books go in there.

Out of print?

Mr. Whitby!

We had a contract!

Mrs. Goldberg,
I was expecting you.

I see you've discovered
that your book

is gently discounted.

Our contract clearly stated

that you would
print 10,000 copies.

You must have missed
the addendum which states

that I can limit
the publishing run

any time I want.

And I want now.

I don't remember any addendum.

How did you have
that right there?

It's the standard Whitby
and Sons contract.

I use it with all my authors.
Except for Mario Puzo.

Let's just say that guy
writes what he knows.

There's no way I
would have signed this.

I'm suing.

And unfortunately for you,

I just found out
that my daughter

is going to be an
attorney-at-law.

Hmm. Well, I just found out

that my son is gonna be

recovering-at-rehab.

I'll see you in court.

Technically,
any contract dispute

would be settled in arbitration.

I'll see you in arbitration.

Damn it,
that doesn't sound as scary.

But it is.

I've been in several,

with my wives, my children,

and my children's wives,
and my wives' new wives.

I bring people together.

While my
mom was taking on a new case,

I went to Barry to help
Pops stop feeling so old.

Oh. Hello, tiny, under-developed
brother. What brings you here?

I came because I'm worried
about Pops slowing down,

but now I'm more worried
about whatever this is.

Oh. Yeah. You're witnessing

the most natural
thing in the world.

Four best friends
oiling each other

to highlight our
shredded physiques.

Here,
let the world see the details!

Come on. Get it!

Grease him up. Get it!

Totally normal.

And what's this bottle
of giant horse pills?

That's the number-one
weight-training supplement.

Guaranteed to explode your abs,
traps, delts, and orbs.

Orbs?

The muscle that closes the eye.

Look how fast I can blink.

Agh!

You're really doing it.

And check out my
arms like sequoias!

Whoa! Yes!

And what's this giant
Donkey Kongbarrel of powder?

Only the most crucial
step of our riptastic journey.

"Male Rampage"? Indeed.

This magical elixir
gives us endless energy.

And like the screaming
guy in the infomercial,

my energy and skeletal
explosiveness know no bounds.

Ugh! It's so thick
I can feel it in my nostrils.

Mine won't come
out of the glass.

It feels like I'm drowning.

But... No pain, no gain!

For the record,
I celebrate the natural form,

and only ingest water,
plants, and fish.

Maybe this powder can put
the spring back in Pops' step.

Our grandpa will have
more than his spring.

He'll have the explosive
vertical leap of Spud Webb.

The party dog from
the commercials?

No! The tiny NBA dunker!

Wow. Don't you
want that for Pops?

I guess?

But I should probably
get a second opinion,

seeing how weird this all is.

What's weird?

Back to work, gents!

Ooh!

Dr. Katman.

Adam. Perfect timing.

Come learn about
hydrophobic compounds.

Is "No, thanks" okay?

I'm making a homemade lava lamp.

We combine acid-base
reactions demonstrating density

for a totally groovy result!

Look, I just have some questions
about this fitness powder.

Is it safe?

Uh,
these are mostly natural ingredients.

It won't hurt you,
but it won't help, either.

But my brother
swears by this stuff,

and he does seem to have even
more unpleasant energy than usual.

That's just the placebo effect.

And that is...

We studied this.

And I learned it.

But imagine a
world where I didn't.

The human brain becomes
convinced that the powder works,

so, in a way, it does.

So someone could drink this
garbage and feel energized,

even though nothing
is actually happening?

Isn't the natural world amazing?

This isn't gonna spark
my interest in science,

if that's what you're going for.

I'll get ya one day.

Don't count on it.

At least take
home the lava lamp.

Oh, wow. When you make it yourself,
it kinda stinks.

Enjoy.

As I had a plan to pump up Pops,

my mom was trying
to wear down Erica.

Oh, my God,
no! Hire a real lawyer.

I could have been a lawyer,

and you're going to be a lawyer.

Between the two of us, we're one of
the biggest law firms in the country.

When you make
that much sense... No!

Come on!

A mother-daughter legal team
going up against a big, bad publisher?

They'll make a TV movie about it

with Heather Thomas as
me and Joan Collins as you.

Why are you the younger one?

I'm just a producer,
Geoff. I'm not a casting director.

I'm watching either way.

And my answer
still hasn't changed.

But you get how
important this is to me.

I put my heart and
soul into this cookbook.

And also a lot of butter,
cream, and meat.

Also,
a recipe I think my mom gave you?

It's fine, but she's pretty mad.

I can't just let Whitby erase
my entire life achievement.

And neither can you.

And yet I can. I gotta go.

I'm volunteering at the
campus legal aid foundation,

where I'll be helping real
people in need.

Babe, you do realize your
mom's just gonna hound you

until you do this, right?

Not this time.

I was firm, direct,
and established clear boundaries.

She gets it.

Oh,
my God! Why don't you get it?

Hi, I'm a disadvantaged woman
in need of free legal advice.

No! I can't have these
people meet my insane mother.

Well, you're the one that said
I needed to get a real lawyer.

Hi, there. Need some help?

Yes. So much.

I'm a famous cookbook author

who was wrongfully
abused by my publisher.

I'm sorry, we only take cases

of people at or
below the poverty line.

That's me. I used
to have everything,

but now I don't even have
a daughter who loves me.

It's okay, Becca.

Let me handle this strange,
insane lady.

So you'll take my case?

Fine. But just please leave.

Yes! The system works!

And don't worry,
you will be handsomely compensated...

In smoochies.

You're my little baby.Okay.

Mom!

With Barry's
magical powder in my hands,

I was gonna pull
the biggest trick of all,

making Pops young again.

Hey, kiddo, this is a surprise.

Oh, I'm sorry. You have
a lady friend back there?

Just Susan B. Anthony.

I'm sorting coins. Come on in.

Wow. That's a lot of pennies.

What you got in your
monkey barrel there?

Hopefully,
the answer to all of this.

"Male Rampage"?

Endorsed by Rambo?

How can it be endorsed by Rambo?

He's a fictional character.

It just seems like you have
a little less energy lately.

I thought this might
make you feel...

Like your old self.

Oh. I see.

If you don't want to...

No. No!

Why wouldn't I want to drink
more "blood of my enemies"?

Well?

Mmm. Hachi-machi.

And just like that,

my ass-kicking grandpa was back.

I feel tremendous!

I could take on the world! Ooh!

And he did.

He charmed beautiful strangers.

That's how it's done, kid.

He tossed a Frisbee like a pro.

Hot disc coming at ya. Whoa!

He even did bike tricks.

Hang on. I'm gonna
pop a wheelie.

Ha, ha!

And then, just like inCocoon...

Cannonball!

Yep,
it may have just been the placebo effect,

but I got the spring
back in Pops' step.

This is the best.

You said it, kiddo.

To our youth.

Albert,
your grandson lost a Band-Aid in the pool.

It's unsanitary!

Milton,
you leave my grandson alone.

I'm checking the boy
for cuts and scrapes.

Take one step closer,
and you're gonna need that Band-Aid.

What'd you say? You heard me.

Unless you're hungry
for a knuckle sandwich.

I make it special,

with a side of bam and
an extra helping of kapow.

Geez!

You try to start a
friendly conversation.

You were gonna get into an
old-man fight for no reason!

This is amazing!

So, what are we doing tomorrow?

Tomorrow?

That... That's the
day after today.

We can't let all this
newfound energy go to waste.

Ooh! We should go ziplining!

Oh, for sure.

Or I can tackle that
high-dive over there.

That's almost as good!

Just so you know,
that was my Band-Aid.

And he'll probably
find two more.

While
Pops turned back the clock,

it was time for my mom to
face off with her publisher.

Good afternoon,
I'm Pamela Reingold,

and I'll be your mediator today.

It is an honor, Your Honor.

May I approach the bench?

I'm not a judge,
and this is a conference table.

Still,
I'd like to file a motion to dismiss.

Dismiss what? You're
the one that wanted this.

Well, then, tell me what to say,

because the only legal jargon
I know is from TV and movies.

Me, too.

Your Honor,
on the advice of my counsel,

uh,
the jury should disregard my testimony.

There's also no jury.

It's just you, me,
this lady, and that man.

Good eye. I am a man.

And so two
people with no legal background

laid down the law in the
weirdest way possible.

A-ha! You caught it
with your left hand!

Oh, she's good.

Now everyone knows
I love to catch oranges.

Yeah,
they busted out all the hits.

Silence!

Silence in this courtroom!

Ma'am,
did you bring your own gavel?

It is a meat tenderizer.

If it, uh, pleases the court, I,
too, brought my own hammer.

Why would that please anyone?

And neither of you
should have tools here.

Eventually,
they just yelled stuff they'd heard on TV.

Objection! Overruled!

All rise! Please proceed!

What is happening?

I think she's just
a little nervous.

In my chambers now! Both of you!

Or she's completely
lost touch with reality.

Watch yourself, counselor!

No further questions!
Badgering the witness!

Well,
at least they're both doing it.

You don't have to answer that!

Withdrawn! I'll allow it!

You may be seated!

Move to strike!

Bailiff, remove this woman!

I'll rephrase.

State your full
name for the record.

Case dismissed.

Okay, that... That feels like a
good stopping point for today.

The only evidence remains a signed
contract furnished by Mr. Whitby.

Mrs. Goldberg, if you have any
evidence to the contrary, please come back,

or I will have to
rule in his favor.

Wait. Where are you going? I
thought we would share a cab

or... Or the rest of our lives.

As my
mom's case suffered a blow,

I was thrilled to have
Pops back in fighting shape.

Hey, Doc,
just wanted to say thanks.

You really helped me out.

Oh, well,
you know what they say...

Chemists are the best
at solving problems

because they have
all the solutions.

Big fun!

So you didn't take any of
that powder. Good for you.

Actually,
I gave a buttload to my grandpa,

and now he's cannonballing into pools,
just like Cocoon.

Cocoon?

It's this awesome movie
about a bunch of elderly people

that become young again
after hanging out with alien eggs.

What will Hollyweird
think of next?

Probably Cocoon 2.

Ooh! But the main takeaway here

is the amount of energy
my grandfather has now.

Adam, the placebo effect

can only push the body so far.

If your grandfather overdoes it,

he could really injure himself.

So, as an example,
if he were to jump off a high-dive...

Ohh!...that might end badly?

Scientifically speaking,
oh, yeah.

Good to know.

Good... to... know.

Pops! Stop!

No running! No running!
Read the posted signs!

Kiddo,
you ready for me to do the dive,

just like Reggie Dangerberg
in Back to the Pool?

Do you mean Rodney
Dangerfield in Back to School?

That's what I said.

You were embarrassingly off,

but that's not important.

What's important is
you need to get down!

But I took a bunch
of your muscle dust,

and I climbed up here.

It seems like I already
made my choice.

But you're gonna hurt yourself!

Male Rampage doesn't
make you young again.

Nothing does.

We'll see about that when I
enter the water like a graceful...

Whoa!

Pops!

Pops, are you okay?

Get all the ice.

And then find some more.

As my Cocoon plan went kerplunk,

my mom was still in the
deep end of her legal battle.

Look at us burning
the midnight oil,

noshing on chow mein,
just like real lawyers.

It's 9:30 in the morning.

No one wants Chinese food.

Speak for yourself.

And what are all these
files and boxes for?

Our investigators
are gonna fill them

with telescopic photos,
fingerprints,

and DNA samples for the lab.

Why do we need DNA?

It's a dispute over
a book contract.

Well, then, what are our high-priced
scientific experts supposed to testify to?

The fact that it's
clearly your signature?

While that does look
like my bulbous "B"

and my delightful
flourish around the "G,"

I-I would never sign
something just willy-nilly like that.

Mm, it kinda seems like you did.

Damn it! You two were
at my signing party.

Was there anything
out of the ordinary?

Having a signing party is out
of the ordinary. Who does that?

Maybe your wife,
who's proud of her accomplishment.

And you should be, too.

It's all coming back to me.

You did the thing. I was there.

Memories.

It's all up in the
treasure chest.

My signing gala was
the talk of the block.

There was champagne, balloons.

I made that cheesy burger
casserole in the shape of my book.

It's the only book
I've ever finished.

Wait, Dad, didn't Mom ask
you to take pictures that day?

Nope. I did!

Ohh!

Here's the camera.

Oh, there's no film in it.

Memories.

Well,
what am I supposed to do now?

Again, not a lawyer,

but my advice would be
to move on with your life,

like I'm gonna do with mine.

Move on?

This cookbook is the first thing

I've ever accomplished
all on my own.

Not as a wife,
not as a mom, but for me.

And now I'm supposed to just let

that crooked publisher
take it all away?

It's not that simple.

It is to me.

Erica, did I ever tell you why I
think I could have been a lawyer?

Because you like to argue
with everyone about everything?

Because I would fight with every fiber
of my being for the things I care about.

My family. My
friends. What's right.

I thought maybe you
got some of that from me.

I guess I was wrong.

My mom was back in arbitration,

but without Erica
or any evidence,

her case seemed
to be open and shut.

Mrs. Goldberg,
do you have anything further to present?

Only my word.

I did not sign that addendum.

I'm ready to make my ruling and
be done with both of you forever.

Not so fast.

And then,
in a hero moment straight out ofL.A. Law,

a badass in shoulder pads
showed up to save the day.

Erica, what are you doing here?

Fighting for
something I care about.

I'd like to call Murray
Goldberg to the stand.

A surprise, 11th-hour witness?

Oh, you are in for it now.

I-I object. On what grounds?

I'll allow it. Let's
see where this goes.

Mr. Goldberg,
isn't it true that you were asked

to take pictures at your
wife's signing party?

That's what people are saying.

And isn't it also true
that you're a forgetful loaf

who's never sure of what
he has or hasn't done?

I can say with full confidence that I'm a,
you know...

And do you recognize this?

Oh,
that's one of those photo things!

Indeed,
it is. And this one has your name on it.

Are those the pictures
from my signing party?

Hey, it is.

Here's a pic of your
cheesy casserole.

But, perhaps,
can I direct you to the last photo?

Oh! Will you look at
that? Somebody's a hero.

I knew it. Rock-solid evidence.

Of what, exactly?

That the addendum
was forged by Mr. Whitby.

Uh-oh.

Because,
as you can clearly see in this photo,

you signed in purple Sharpie,
like a weirdo,

while the contract right
there is signed in blue.

Mr. Whitby,
do you have a response to this?

Yes, I do.

I lied.

But this has been
a hoot. Am I right?

The judgment is
for Mrs. Goldberg.

Yes! Print her books.

We did it! My baby's a lawyer.

Well, not yet.

But if helping people
feels this good,

there is no way
I'm not going to be.

And I will be here to support
you every step of the way.

Whether or not you want me to.

I know.

And I know. Ah!

I'm gonna remember this one.

As Erica
landed a big win for my mom,

I was feeling terrible
about Pops' crash landing.

Pops, I'm so sorry.

I never should have
given you that powder.

Oh,
don't be. I knew what I was taking.

What? You knew it wasn't real?

Then why'd you climb
up on that high-dive?

For you. You seemed so
upset I was slowing down,

I figured I'd give you a
few days of the old Pops.

I'm so confused.

Then where'd all that
energy come from?

Simple. I am in incredible pain.

I can't believe
you did that for me.

It wasn't just for you, kiddo.

As much as you
miss the young Pops,

I miss him, too.

Just so you know,
I'm okay with just sorting coins.

As long as I can be with you.

That's good.

Because I'm not gonna be
doing much moving for a while.

Do you remember
the end of Cocoon,

when all the older
people leave Earth

to go to that planet where
they can be young forever?

Would you take that deal?

And miss hanging
with my best friend?

Not a chance.

Thanks to Pops,
I picked up a thing or two over the years.

Eventually, we all slow down.

But it doesn't matter if you're
growing older or growing up.

The important thing is to
appreciate the victories.

In the end,
every moment is worth savoring.

And no matter what
stage of life you're in,

a fountain of youth
will never be as magical

as time spent with
the ones you love.

You're making me
very curious about you.

Hey, guys! I'm just here to return... Oh,
my God!

What happened to your skin?

It's gorgeous, right? Ha!

As pro body builders now,

it's important to enhance

our jacked musculature

with a beautiful bronze hue.

That is not bronze.

That's because we went

to the roof without
any sunscreen.

We're beet red now,

but it should settle
into a lovely mahogany.

It's so worth it.

You have third-degree burns.

You're just jealous
'cause your skin

isn't this glorious chestnut.

Now, watch my bi's

and tri's dance

as I bring a little body oil

to the party.

Ow!

I'll get the aloe vera.