The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 19 - The Goldbergs - full transcript

Erica, Barry, Geoff and the gang go on a spring break trip and things don't go as expected; Adam questions if college is for him when his test scores are not as good as he was hoping for.

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Adult Adam:
Back in the '80s, you couldn't

just book a vacation
on the Internet.

Nope. The only way to get away
was with the help of a pro...

a travel agent.

Excuse me, gentlemen,

would you know
where I can find

the party people
on this campus?

Maybe
the geology building?

Over at that dorm
that looks like a motel?

JTP,
get your act together.

We are the party people
on campus.



I did just go to my niece's
fourth b‐day party,

so I guess
it's technically true.

Shayna's four?
Where does the time go?

Don't listen to them.
We party. Hardy.

Well, I believe
that you believe that.

So, gentlemen,
strap yourselves in

for the spring break
of a lifetime.

I'm talking about sun and fun
and buns.

We're in!

Whether you mean bread
or girls' butts.

You could make a good night
out of both.

We respect women.

An epic spring break
with my boys

is everything I want
and deserve.



Bar, even if we wanted to, we
can't afford a trip right now.

Guys.
Check this out.

For the price of a
hundred‐gallon cup of coffee,

you can be frolicking on the
white sandy beaches of Camaica.

Actual sand color
may vary.

Camaica?
Don't you mean Jamaica?

- Do I?
- Do you?

I don't!
I'm talking about sunny Camaica.

It's 70 miles east, and it's
where Jamaica dumps its trash.

That description
sounds terrible,

but these pictures let me know
the opposite is true.

- Right?
- I guess with the stress of college,

I could use
a real vacation.

Well, it sounds like you odd,
anxious gents

could use some free
promotional watches.

Check it. It doesn't
even have numbers.

And there's no hands.
It just says "Who cares?"

That's right. Because
when you're in Camaica,

[Jamaican accent]
you're on island time, mon.

Nowhere to be but right here,
right now, mon.

[ Normal voice ] That's not racist,
is it?

Eh...

And "paradise" is a word
that means different things

to different people, much like
the words "liar" or "pregnant."

Geoff,
pack your bags!

We're going
on spring break.

I'm in.
Eh, just one sec.

Erica, do you want me to pack
for you?

Geoff,
I'm a grown woman.

And keep that in mind when
you're choosing my beachwear.

No way!

This isn't
a couples' trip.

This is spring break.

The most
no‐strings‐attached,

Erica‐free travel week
of them all.

Yeah.

Bringing your girlfriend
to spring break

is like bringing sand
to the beach.

Which I might recommend
because the shoreline of Camaica

is covered in dead whales.

Dude,
I wanna spring break, too.

I've got a bikini and $40
to bribe foreign cops with.

Damn it!

Now Erica's hot friend
with no moral compass is coming.

Spring break is ruined.

So, Ren and I
will split a room

and you guys
can all bunk together,

so you can still have
your boys' trip

and we can work on
our tans.

Me and the guys
I already live with

hanging out
somewhere else?

Yes!

That "yes"
is non‐refundable.

Okay.
White people dance!

[ Steel drums play ]

♪ I'm twisted up inside
but nonetheless ♪

♪ I feel the need to say ♪
*THE GOLDBERGS (2013)*

Season 07 Episode 19
Episode Title: "Island Time"

Aired on: April 01, 2020

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was April 1st,
1980‐something,

and I was about to find out
what my college fortunes held.

Inside this envelope
is my PSAT scores.

The warm‐up test
before the real test.

Oh! The stakes have never
been higher.

That sounds wrong,
but sure.

What's in this envelope could
guarantee a full ride to an ivy

or shame you
into a state school,

where your friends will
be dentists, newspaper writers,

and, God forbid,
teachers.

Man, this glue is tough.
Do you have a letter opener?

- Just give it to me. You're...
- I...

- Just give it to me!
- [ Envelope tears ]

Oh, here it is!
Here it is!

On your verbal portion,
you got in the 90th percentile!

That's really high!

[ Chuckles ]
Okay, and on your math...

you got in the bottom
5th percentile.

That's really low.
Is it?

I'm not really
a numbers guy.

Yeah, I'm getting that.

Okay,
I'm not gonna overreact,

but this is the worst disaster

that's ever happened
to any family ever.

I walked across Europe
as a child, but sure.

Hey, random topic switch...
um, isn't your meeting

with your guidance counselor
coming up?

- Yeah. Tomorrow.
- Great.

Why don't you show this to him
and see what he says?

I will.

Thanks for being so supportive
and understanding.

Of course, my perfect angel
who can do no wrong.

Mm.

That beautiful dum‐dum

needs to get his head
screwed on straight.

So, what's your plan?

You gonna ride him
like a show pony

till he bends to your will?

Adam's graduating
next year,

and I don't want to send him
into the world upset with me.

I'm gonna be the good cop so he
can be upset with other people.

That does make some sense.

And I'll come out of this still
the number‐one lady in his life,

now and forever.

That makes less sense.

My mom knew Mr. Perott
would confirm

that my test scores were trash,
and she was right.

Adam, these scores
are not so hot.

I thought nerds
were good at math.

- I'm more of a geek.
- Mm‐hmm.

W‐We're still social
and physical klutzes

with quirky personalities,

but we have intense passions
for fringe interests.

And what's a dweeb?

Look, it's a rich continuum
of discomfort,

but what should I do
about my test scores?

Adam, let me ask you
something... why NYU?

The film program.
It's top notch.

Then you want to be a filmmaker?
Well, then it's all good.

Oh, great.

I was starting to worry NYU
wasn't an option.

That's a good instinct, because
you'll never get in there.

But that's okay.

Listen, college isn't always
a necessity

if you want to be a filmmaker.

I bet a lot
of your film heroes

never even went
to fancy film school.

Heck, Tony Scott had
a worthless art degree,

and he made "Top Gun."

There you go.

Take the money you would've
given to NYU

and go make a movie.

And put Bob Balaban in it.
He's fantastic.

- I dunno.
- What about Hector Elizondo?

No, they're both solid
character actors

that deserve their own thing,

but I meant I don't know
about skipping college.

You know what?

There's a Led Zeppelin song
that applies to this moment.

Oh.
Are you gonna play it?

Uh, no.
I never learned it.

I probably shouldn't have
brought it up.

But hey, that's a lesson
in itself, too, right?

Y‐Y‐Yes?

While Mr. Perott expanded
my world view,

spring break had started,

and Barry and Erica's view
was not great.

Excuse me?

Um, are we at
the right hotel?

Moccasins: Camaica?

Welcome!

That smell is not the ocean!
[ Chuckles ]

But it doesn't look like
the pictures in the brochure.

Well, that's because those were
architectural renderings,

which we ignored.

It's fine. Could you please
just show us to our...

Oh, God!
Is that a snake?!

Probably.

This hotel's named Moccasins

because of all
the water moccasins.

I thought it was named
for the comfy shoe?

Nope. Anyway, there is a
complimentary machete in every room.

- I'm gonna be sick.
- Come on, Erica.

It's... It's rustic and cute
and damp

and something just dripped
in my mouth!

[ Gags ] No,
I'm literally gonna be sick.

Oh, I told her not to have
the shrimp cocktail

on that discount airline!

Alright,
enough local color.

Let's hit the pool.

No way, man.

I've been on a schedule
all semester.

I'm on island time now.

And according to my timepiece,
it's relax o'clock.

Fine!
I'll swim alone then.

Well, don't open your eyes
or swallow.

We over‐chlorinate on account
of all the water lice.

I'm starting to think
this hastily planned

discount vacation
to a trash island

is not gonna be the spring break
of my dreams.

As Barry faced a tough break,

I had to give my mom
the tough news.

Mom, I spoke to
my guidance counselor,

and he told me I can't get
into NYU with those scores.

Oh, my!

That is shocking
and disappointing

and not coming from me.

So, I've decided
I'm not going to college.

Say what now?

Yeah, Mr. Perott said
I don't need it.

Did he, though?

[ Chuckles ]

That rascal.

Yeah, that wasn't gonna work
for my mom,

so she found the perfect person
to do the work for her.

Hey!
Why'd you turn off Tootie?

She was about to give
Mrs. Garrett the what for.

Adam, I completely stand by your
decision not to go to college.

What?!
Mom!

Oh, no.
Did I let that slip?

What's she talking about,
moron?

My guidance counselor told me
to be inspired by life.

That's it. I'm going down
and talking to him.

Murray, no!
Come on! Move!

Let's respect
Adam's choice.

- Dad!
- Murray: Moron!

I tried to stop him.

Keys.
[ Grunts ]

[ Door closes ]
Mom!

If only there was something
I could do.

- Name?
- Perott.

Third door on the left,
main hallway.

- [ Grunts ]
- No.

[ Door closes ]
Ooh, my hands are tied.

So, easily stepping
into the shoes of bad cop,

my dad went to school
and laid down the law.

That day, my father explained
all the reasons why college

was the only thing that
mattered to him in life.

And in conclusion...
moron!

Okay, I get it.
You're angry.

I didn't work my whole life so
my son wouldn't go to college.

Mr. Goldberg, what did you work
your whole life for, huh?

When was the last time
you saw a sunset

or drank fresh rainwater
from the sky,

or went to Portugal,
huh?

Portugal?

Who the hell's got time
for Portugal?

Look, Mr. Goldberg,

I did not tell your son
not to go to college.

I just told him
he had options,

and maybe it would do him good
to see the world.

He can do that later.

When?
Have you done that?

Or have you been, uh,
as you put it,

"Working your whole life"?

♪♪

So?

Why have we never been
to Portugal?

Who gives a crap
about Portugal?

How'd it go
with Adam's guidance counselor?

I think Adam's gonna spend
about a year figuring it out.

What?!

No, you were supposed to be
the bad cop!

You know, I've never been
barefoot on anything but tile.

Tile, Bevy!

It's no way to live!

While my mom's bad cop
let her down,

my brother was making the most
of his bad vacation.

Hey!
Ready to hit the club?

Drinking age is 10,
but they don't card.

Yeah, as fun and alarming
as that sounds,

I‐I gotta stay with Erica.

Damn it, Schwartz!

I knew you'd bail
on our boys' trip.

All you wanna do is party
with my sister.

Yeah, I wouldn't exactly call it
a party.

Oh, everything inside me's
coming out of my face!

Okay, just try to make it
to the bathroom, sweetie!

Oh, my God.
What am I looking at?

Yeah, it's not great. I need towels,
I need Gatorade,

and I need a doctor who doesn't
also work the omelet station!

On it, my dove!

- [ Vomits ]
- I'm sorry, Bar.

When she's at her weakest,
I have to be my strongest.

Shut the door!

[♪♪]

Well, spring break
is a disaster.

Dude, I didn't come to the murky
shores of Camaica to give up.

Let's get some lobster.

Lobster?

But our "College Saver
Brass Package"

said the only restaurants
we have access to

is the vending machines.

Just follow my lead.

[♪♪]

Hi.

You're probably expecting us
for dinner.

We're on our honeymoon.

Are you the Fergusons?

What? No.
That's not right.

[ Laughs ]

What? Honey.

Yes, of course it is.

He's still getting used to me
taking his name. - [ Chuckles ]

Well, you're a day early,
but welcome.

Hmm.

Congratulations,
lovebirds.

Your complimentary lobster
is on the way.

- Complimentary?
- Of course.

You have the honeymoon
all‐inclusive package.

Yep, thanks to Ren,

Barry's spring break
was about to turn around.

There was the fancy dinner
and the fancier dessert,

even fancy table‐side
entertainment.

Sure, it wasn't the night Barry
imagined, but it was epic.

And then after years...

- Mm. Years.
- ...of hinting and waiting

and that terrible fight
with my mom...

Mm. We don't talk
about that. - [ Chuckles ]

...he finally popped
the question.

You know, we really have to
get together

when we're back
on the mainland.

Absolutely, Jen!

Me and the wife would love
to have you and Tom over

to discuss politics
or lawnmowers

or other boring married
stuff. - [ Chuckles ]

Let me get a picture
of the two of you

for my good old
scrapbook.

Say "cheese"!

Chee‐‐

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

In that moment, Barry's trip
went from a bust

to the best ever.

- Spring break!
- Whoo!

After his kiss with Ren,
Barry needed guidance

from the closest thing he knew
to a married couple.

Oh, babe,
Barry's here to check on you.

Oh, I feel a lot better,
actually.

I don't care.

Healthy, sick,
basically dead.

I need advice.

And so, my brother told them
all about his fake honeymoon

with Ren, ending with
the magical smooch.

[ Gags ]

Oh, hon, I thought you weren't
nauseous anymore.

[ Gags ]

I wasn't, but the thought
of Barry kissing

another
one of my friends?

What can I say?

Ladies love my semi‐symmetrical
face and curves for days.

Is it possible Ren kissed you
to keep up the ruse

of your fake marriage?

Yes. That is the only
logical conclusion.

It was real.
She winked at me afterwards.

It was like she was saying,
"Yeah, boy.

- I'm all about those lips."
- [ Gags ]

Or maybe that wink meant
"We fooled them."

Impossible.

For one incredible moment,

time magically stopped
and our mouths danced as one.

[ Vomits ]

So, I've been thinking.

After high school,
I won't go straight to I. A.

I'll bum around Europe
a bit.

You know, not all who wander
are lost.

I love everything about this new
hobo plan for your future.

Well, I don't wanna be late
for school.

Although, who cares?

I'm not trying to go
to college, right?

[ Laughs ]

- You slay me, Schmoo.
- [ Laughs ]

Have a great day
not trying.

Oh [bleep] everything!

So, what's new?

What's new is that I need
a real college counselor,

one with balls.

Oh, y‐you mean someone who can
put the fear of God into Adam?

Better.

Someone I can put the fear
of God in

to put the fear of God
into Adam.

And that meant tracking down
Mr. Glascott,

my old guidance counselor,

who was more than a little
afraid of Beverly Goldberg.

[ Whistling ]
Beverly: Glasssssscott.

[♪♪]

Glascott.

Glascott.

Come out and play‐ay.

Ah!
Come on!

Glascott.

[ Engine starts ]

[ Screams ]

Ah! Please be gentle!
I'm a father to a parent!

I need you to be Adam's
guidance counselor again.

No, I did everything to get away
from you.

I switched my roster
from A through M

to N through Z, despite the fact
that I was on the verge

of some real breakthroughs
with a couple of the D's.

Of course, it would be a shame
if the cruel, judgmental teens

of William Penn
found out about this.

[ Gasps ] Oh, no.

You discovered my Prince tribute
cabaret show.

So moving.
Even doves would cry.

But that's not
for the general public.

It's for
friends and family

and industry
if they're interested.

While my mom was attempting
to control my life,

the JTP had lost control
of their sense of time.

Evening, my good man.

Can you tell us
where the party's at?

We're ready
to spring break!

Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

Well, it's 9:00 a. m., so you can
enjoy our Tuesday brunch buffet.

Tuesday?

Did we just sleep
for 36 hours straight?

Oh, no!

Island time has robbed us
of real‐world time.

Damn you, island time!

Finally, a robbery I'm allowed
to ignore.

[ Chuckles ] Anyway,

Mr. Ferguson, I see
that you've already enjoyed

all of
your honeymoon perks.

That's not possible.

Come on.
Let's figure this out.

Ahh.
There's my better half.

I had an amazing time
last night, Mrs. Me.

[ Chuckles ]
Dude, nobody's around.

You don't have to
act like that.

Oh, and I asked around
at the pool,

and everybody says
that Señor Snake

is the best club
to hook up.

Hook up? As in search out
other people we would kiss

that wouldn't be
each other?

That's a long road,
but yeah.

Whoa.
You look kinda sick.

Are you sure you don't have
what Erica has?

I've never felt better.

Sure, we spent all night talking
and connecting

so I'll know exactly what kind
of strangers

you'll want to kiss.

Let's club.

And so they clubbed.

Deep down,
Barry couldn't have fun.

He hated watching
his fake wife flirt.

Alright!
How low can you go?

[ Sighs ] I don't think I can go
any lower.

Except he did.

That night, Barry crushed
the limbo contest.

[♪♪]

[ Cheering ]

We got ourselves a winner!

But he sure didn't
feel like it.

I need to say something.

I came here to have
the spring break of a lifetime,

to party with my boys
and hook up with girls.

[ Cheering ]

No! No!

Don't cheer that,
because the sun, fun, and buns

are meaningless,
fleeting distractions.

Barry,
what's going on?

What's going on is I felt
something when we kissed,

and I gotta know...

did you feel something,
too?

I'm sorry. I...

I was just... having fun.

Ooh!

She wasn't feeling it...

but I feel something.

Da, da, da beat!

[ Cheering ]
[ Island music plays ]

As Barry's spring break
had gone off the rails,

my mom had scared Mr. Glascott
into steering me back on track.

So, you see, Adam,
most who wander are lost,

unless they wander
into a PSAT prep course

and then onto the campus
of NYU

for a life
of parent‐pleasing success.

I guess it does seem safer
than backpacking across Europe.

Adam.

Hey, Mr. P.
How's it going?

Well, I guess it's going
to Mr. Glascott now.

I thought we had a rapport, then
you requested a new counselor.

Wait, what?

Keep walking, Perott.

The boy is mine.
Don't try to poach my ward.

I didn't poach your ward.
You poached my ward, Glascott.

You guys call us "wards"?

Look into your heart.

Who would you rather be
a ward to?

I just wanna make movies,
man!

Then go make 'em, Adam.

The boy needs to
attend college.

His she‐devil mother
demands it.

Wait,
my mom was behind this?

Ah. Yes.
Dang it.

And I dress up like Prince
on the weekends.

The secret is out.

[ Chuckles ]
She can't hurt me now.

Good for you.

Shut up.

After all that talk
of having my back,

my mom had actually been

stabbing me in the back
instead.

You switched
my guidance counselor?

Only because he wasn't telling
you what I wanted you to hear.

Oh, then why didn't you
just tell me?

Instead, I got caught up
in some kind of ward triangle.

I was just trying to
be supportive.

No, you weren't.

You just wanted me to think
you were supportive.

You were trying to
control me.

Okay, fine.

But you are making
a huge mistake.

You won't have a good future
if you don't go to college,

and you can't do that if you
don't try to raise your score.

I did try,
and I still blew it.

At least you supporting me
made me feel

it wasn't the end of the world,
but that was all a lie.

[♪♪]

After publicly
pouring his heart out,

Barry's spring break
couldn't get worse.

Barry. I don't want to be the reason
that you don't eat breakfast.

Hey!
There's the happy couple!

Yeah, we're not married.
I can't pretend anymore.

Oh, no!
Oh, don't give up yet.

No, he's saying
we were never a couple.

Okay. Mr. Ferguson, why don't
you tell me some of the things

that you love
about Mrs. Ferguson?

- But I don't...
- Come on.

What kind of a two‐day sober
buffet waitress would I be

if I let you two split up
without trying to help?

Fine.

I guess I love how she can turn
a bad situation

into the most fun
I ever had,

and how she can turn strangers
into lifelong friends,

and how when she kisses me,
wherever I am becomes paradise.

Well, if you think
it's black mold, don't lick it.

That's them!
Well, that can't be them.

Those are the Fergusons.

Uh, we need to split up.

Why?
'Cause it's over?

No.
Because we're in trouble.

Move!
Oh!

Oh, God, Mr. Fergus‐‐

[♪♪]

Morning, Schmoo.
I made your favorite...

waffles shaped like
the Death Star.

Great.

Do you know how long it took me
to make these?

Not long.
They're just circles.

Bevy, I think you need to give
the boy some space.

Me?

We wouldn't be here if you'd
just stayed the bad cop.

Well, right now,
I think he needs two good cops.

All I want is for my son
to get the best out of life.

We both do.

I chose to work
and not see the world.

That was right for me.

Might not be right
for him.

But college is everything
to you.

And hopefully,
it'll mean everything to him.

But he's got to find his own way
there, and we gotta let him.

My mom realized instead of
pretending to be supportive,

she could actually try
supporting me.

Why are you here?

Adam, I'm sorry.

If you want to take
some time off, I support you.

You really mean that?

Yes.

Kinda.

Not even a little.

Boopie, you've been talking
about film school

since you were
in kindergarten.

But that was before I knew

I didn't have what it takes
to get in.

Of course you do.

You... You are so much more
than a math score.

But that's all
they care about.

Then we're gonna make them see
what I see...

an amazing, creative kid who can
do anything he sets his mind to.

Except divide fractions.

[ Scoffs ] You're supposed
to multiply them?

That makes no sense.

It doesn't.
[ Chuckles ]

But you know what does?

Is we are gonna wow NYU so hard,
they have to accept you.

That day, I learned that even
when it didn't seem like it,

my mom was supporting me
every step of the way.

Because sometimes, people
in your life can surprise you.

Looks like I'm in the seat
next to you.

Oh.

I'll just do my word hunt
and leave you be.

Cool.
Cool, cool.

[♪♪]

Sorry I made things weird.

Spring break is supposed to be
fun, not a dumb couples' thing.

[ Chuckles ]

Definitely don't wanna end up
like them.

[ Scoffs ]
Totally.

They're so happy and gross.

Ugh.
[ Chuckles ]

Look.

Those things that you said
about me...

they were really nice.

Well, I meant it.

Every bit of it.

♪ How did I get here? ♪

♪ Letting the days go by ♪

♪ Let the water hold me down ♪

It wasn't all pretend...
Mr. Ferguson.

Turns out,
Barry ended up getting

his epic spring break
after all,

just not in the way he thought.

Spring break.

That's the thing.

When you open yourself up
to new adventures,

the possibilities are endless.

Adam,
this play's incredible.

You think this could make NYU
ignore my math scores?

Listen, plenty of kids
are good at math.

Not many can do this.

I think we got a real chance
here, kid.

I never doubted it
for a minute.

Oh,
my baby's going to Yale!

NYU.

Well, we'll figure it out.
[ Chuckles ]

In the end, if you've got
the right people supporting you

on your journey, you can handle
any challenge

life throws your way.

♪ Water flowing underground ♪

♪ Into the blue again ♪

[♪♪]

[ Ding! ]

[ Ding! ]

Wow.
What a great turnout tonight.

The four of you.
[ Chuckles ]

Have a good night, Chaka Khan.
[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ] You really had them in
your pocket tonight, Johnny Boy.

[ Smooches ]
[ Engine starts ]

Good evening, John.

Sweet Sheena Easton!

I just popped by to say
thank you for helping Adam.

You know, I have an office
with a phone you can call.

What fun would that be?

Now, unlock your door

and let's figure out
what we're gonna do next year.

Fine.

I'll move my wigs.