The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 14 - The Goldbergs - full transcript

When Erica and Barry receive the same grade in class, Erica knows something's up and finds out something very interesting about her brother; Beverly helps Adam with the upcoming Valentine's Day dance.

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ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
our teachers looked like this.

They were sad-sacks,
angry-sacks, or lonely-sacks.

But that all changed in college,

when Barry actually had a hot teacher.

[HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

Pour some knowledge on me.

Stop it, Barry.

She is an intelligent woman

who shouldn't be reduced
to just an object,

and, oh, my God,
she's got cheekbones for days.



Why would she be a T.A.

when she could be holding a number

to indicate what round it is
in a boxing match?

The only thing I get is that
you're a super gross horn dog.

But it's not just that.

She actually makes me want to learn.

I'm hot for teacher.

Like the Van Halen song?

That song perfectly captures
both her profession

and my feelings towards that profession.

Let me hand back your essays.

Fantastic job.

Shama-lama-ding-dong!
Erica dids it again.

And, Barry, yours is in here somewhere.



Oh, just look for the one with
the strawberry-jam fingerprints.

Here it is.

- Excellent job, as well.
- Yes!

Smarty people in the house!

What the hell? You got an A, too?

Yeah. I cranked that bad boy out quick.

That's Barry's number-one trick

for academic success... Speed.

There is no way we both earned A's.

Erica, when you say things like that,

it makes me think
you think I'm not intelligent.

I don't.

You are widely considered
stupider than me

by family, society, and
any jacket with a zipper.

That was one jacket!

And you're just mad that I got
the same grade as you.

Mr. Goldberg.

Please see me after class.

Oh, no.

She must've realized that English

isn't your second language.

Knock, knock.

Wow. Check out all these books.

It's like that weird store
in the mall that sells books.

Well, you've got to read a lot
of them if you want a PhD.

I get it.

I'm gonna be a doctor, too,
but, like, a real one

who plays God and parks
wherever he wants

and tells loved ones he tried

but it's their nana's time.

[CHUCKLES] I knew you were funny.

That paper you wrote comparing
Weber's theory of rationalization

to LL Cool J's song "Big Ole Butt"

made me laugh out loud.

I am so glad!

You're so cool and pretty

and know all of LL Cool J's
masterwork on butts.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Go out with me tonight.

That's intense, considering
it's Valentine's Day.

Oh, no, Barry. You asked
your dream woman out

on the most romantically
charged day of the year?

- It's okay.
- No, forget I said anything.

I'll just drop the class and quit school

and become a lowly sixth man
on a struggling NBA franchise.

Don't become a Charlotte Hornet.

You know the NBA?

I can't take it.
Reveal your shortcomings.

[CHUCKLES]

You know what? Let's do it.

- Let's go out.
- Wait. For real?

I'm sick of dating snobby, bookish guys.

You are so not them.

I haven't listened since you said yes,

so your reasons are your reasons.

But this needs to stay between us.

If word got out, it wouldn't be good.

I'll have no trouble
keeping it to myself.

ADULT ADAM:
Well, he'd have a little trouble.

- Hey, Big Tasty.
- What's new?

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

♪♪

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was Valentine's Day,
1980-something,

and for the first time in a long time,

I had my eye on someone special.

No, it wasn't Dana.

We were now just friends.

In fact, we were both
interested in other people.

Okay, I'm gonna ask Brea to
the Valentine's Couples Skate.

Glasses on or off?

I thought your eye wanders
when you take them off.

Not if I close it.

What do you think?

- I'd keep them on.
- Good note.

Let's do this.

The plan was perfect.

Dana and I would have our dates,

and it would be the best
Valentine's day ever!

- Brea, want to hit the skate thing?
- Sure.

Or not.

What just happened?

From what I can glean
from your devastated looks,

your crushes just crushed on each other

and now you're crushed. [LAUGHS]

So Dana and I found a way
to deal with our misery

in the healthiest way possible...

Ice cream.

Here's to being totally cool
with not having a Valentine.

There's my scrumptious Valentine!

Come on, give Mama a... Oh, Dana!

Hell no! Not again.

Nice to see you, too, Mrs. Goldberg.

Mom, I know you're not Dana's
biggest fan, but we're just friends.

Oh, thank God.
I thought you were back together.

In fact, we just found out
the two people we like

are going with each other
to the Couples Skate.

Wait, another harlot dares
toy with my baby's heart?

I'm a person.

Dana, this is not about you.

I need to know her name,
where she lives,

and what time she goes to sleep.

Her name's Brea,

and I've already said too much.

Besides, it's not like
there's anything I can do.

I waited too long, and Andrew
Gallery asked her first.

If it's just a timing thing,
I can fix that.

I'll just break them up.

You couldn't really do that, could you?

Let me tell you about Adam's
father's first love, Ilene.

What about Ilene?

She was an awful toad, Murray.
Don't interrupt.

She was nice...

You know, with the hair
and the face and the other stuff.

I knew he and that expired bag of soup

were wrong for each other,

so I had no choice.

I had to go into "preventa" mode.

Preventa?

A preventa is the opposite of a yenta.

Instead of putting people
together, they tear them apart.

I'm among the world's best at both.

I liked her.

She smelled like lavender,
she made me corn muffins.

What did you do to her?

She did it to herself, Murray,

by writing that letter
to her ex-boyfriend.

[CHUCKLES] All I did was
get it out of her mailbox,

break into your car,
and leave it for you to read.

- You did that?
- Yes.

And today, you have a loving wife

and beautiful children

who don't look like
butter-filled pinatas.

It all makes sense.

So, the point of this
incredibly upsetting story

is that you can break up two
teenagers so we'll find love?

It's what a good mama does.

- Thank you for the offer, but...
- We'd love your help.

You seriously want to
involve my mom in this?

I like Andrew, you like Brea.

What other choice do we really have?

We can wait them out.

And after their marriage goes
stale and the kids move out,

they'll agree to amicably go
their separate ways.

Then we pounce like cats.

Or we let your mom preventa it up.

You are wise beyond
your appearance, Dana.

It's on. I'll see you
in the den in five.

This will end bad.

While we were enlisting
my mom's help with love,

the JTP had their own romantic plans.

Hey, JTP.

We thought we'd swing by
and check in on you guys.

We know how lonely
Valentine's Day can be.

But cheggit, you're all dressed up.

- So I guess you found dates?
- And yet we did not.

In fact, we have no
romantic prospects at all.

So, in lieu of lady companionship,

we decided to celebrate our friendship.

We call it Pal-entine's Day.

At least you improved the name,

because last year's Valen-dudes Day
was a real big whiff.

First, we're gonna go to Dante & Luigi's

for a little linguine and laughs.

Then a carriage ride
around Rittenhouse Square

to see the city lights.

Finally, ice-skating at this
rink my uncle manages.

He's gonna let us use it after
hours, so it'll be just us.

I know it sounds crazy, you guys,

- but I really think we could raise a baby.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Hello, Geoffrey and sister.

I thought it might be
St. Valentine himself here

to smile down upon the
lovers, the dreamers,

and those that are neither
loved nor dreamed about.

Ohh, don't touch my face
with your bathroom hand.

Is that Polo Sport
by Ralph Lauren I smell?

Indeed. It's made from the
sweet sweat of wealthy ponies.

Wait, Bar, you have a Valentine's date?
That's amazing.

What's her name, Jennifer Canada?

First of all, Ms. "Ca-nada"

moved back to the part of
Manitoba with no phone service.

That all sounds right.

Tell us about this new special lady.

Well, she's...

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,
Barry remembered the promise

he made to Elana.

She's made up. Erica's right.

I'm just a big fat phony who has no one.

When you just cop to it,
it kind of ruins the fun.

Yeah, no fun for you or me.

Anyway, I'm off to the library.

With a box of chocolates and a blazer?

Brain food and wearing my brain blazer

because I got a date with my brain,

and he's about to get very lucky.

For what it's worth, you guys
would make great fathers.

- Oh.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

He's wearing a blazer, he smells
like Macy's, and he's happy?

Something's up. We need to follow him.

Holy crap!

He's on a date with our teacher!

Do you know what this means?

Barry's hot for teacher,
and teacher's hot for him!

No, he didn't write a good paper.

He smooched his way to that A.

Oh, right, this is about you.
I'll do better.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica had
discovered Barry's secret,

my mom was about to share
a few of her own.

Who's ready to break up some teens?

I still don't think this is a good idea.

It is. I already bought
a cute skating outfit.

I like this color on you, Dana.

It's just, breaking up two people
for no reason seems kind of mean.

What's mean is allowing
two people to stay together

when there are other people out there

who would make them happier.

- Way happier, Adam.
- Okey-dokey.

Since this seems to be
happening anyway, I'm in.

Now, the first thing we need
to do is start a bogus rumor.

He's a pyromaniac, and she sells
organs on the black market.

Too dark. [CHUCKLES]

But I wish I knew this Dana before.

Oh, I've got one.

Now all we need is a gossipy
hen to run with it.

I know just the hen.

Get this. Andrew Gallery,

who's already going to the
Valentine's Skate with Brea Bee,

sent flowers to the field hockey team.

What happened to
the sanctity of monogamy?

I don't know, but keep this to yourself.

Definitely don't tell anyone.

How can I?

How can I?

By lunchtime, the rumor should
be the talk of the cafeteria.

Won't Andrew just deny it?

Of course he will. But that
brings us to step two...

Plant evidence.

ANDREW: But it's not true.

Why would I send flowers
to the field hockey team?

They're 4-9.

Thanks for the flowers, Andrew.

I don't understand this!

I do. You got busted.

Have fun with all those plaid
skirts at the Valentine's Skate.

And, finally, step three,

be there to pick up the pieces.

Hey, Brea.

I heard what that coward did to you.

Just know there are some
good guys out there.

What was I thinking?

There's no way to know.

But... I'm here now.

Thanks, Adam.

Your mom really raised you well.

♪♪

While my mom had preventa'd
another relationship,

nothing was preventing Barry and his
hot teacher from hitting it off.

You ordered cupcakes?

Or, as I like to think of them,

muffins after dark.

There's just no neat way to eat them.

Well, maybe there is
something I can teach you.

All you do is you take the top off,
put the bottom on top.

You got yourself
a little cupcake sandwich.

You don't mess around.

One day, I hope to show you
my work with waffles.

[CHUCKLES]

I want you to see the best in me, Elana.

You know what?

I'm having a pretty great time.

Me too.

Oh! No!

- I'm so sorry!
- Don't worry.

I'll just... I'll be right
back and we can try again.

- Busted.
- What are you doing here?

Finding out exactly how you got that A.

- You're trading your body for grades.
- It's not like that.

Whatever it is, it's awesome.

Dude, you're hot for teacher!

Thanks, buddy. You're a good friend.

- Stay out of this, Geoff.
- On it, yeah.

I just got to ask...

Has she ever given you, like, a pop quiz

but then the quiz is just kissing?

- Geoff!
- Sorry, babe.

Follow-up question...
Has she ever started class

by emerging from behind a curtain,

wearing nothing but a bikini and a sash?

Dude! I didn't know this side of you.

It's always been in there!

Shh! You need to leave right now!

I promised her I'd keep this a secret.

No one can know! Just... go.

Get over yourself. No one cares
about your disgusting love life.

It's true, JTP.

Barry's hot for teacher,
and teacher's hot for him.

When I get clarity on the
sash, I'll call back.

Oh, God. The JTP knows!

It's already too late.

ADULT ADAM: Barry swore he'd keep
quiet about dating his teacher.

Unfortunately, the JTP told everyone.

I'm telling you, if word gets out,
Elana and I are done.

Relax, Bar. No one even
listens to the JTP.

- You're fine.
- Barry Goldberg, you da man.

- [SIGHS]
- Okay.

I mean, that could be completely
unrelated. You are da man.

I suppose there's the possibility
it's completely unrelated.

Bro, congrats on dating Elana,

your smokin' hot sociology teacher.

Okay, that was pretty specific.

But I'm sure Elana won't even find out!

I know everything, Barry.

About sociology

and not that our
super-sexy secret got out?

You told everyone,

not to mention there were
27 very aggressive apples

on my desk this morning.

They are in season.

I liked you.

But, for you,

this was clearly an adolescent fantasy

based on some Motley Crue song.

It's Van Halen.

God, I can't believe
I could lose my job over this.

Thanks for nothing, Barry.

ADULT ADAM: While word of Barry's hot
teacher had spread like wildfire,

my mom was trying to stoke the flames

of my romance with Brea.

What are you doing?

As you know,
I used my preventa abilities

to destroy Brea's
previous Valentine's date.

Those are words.

And now I'm waiting for Adam
to use this study session

to ask her out.

Oh, why doesn't he do it already?

If I had to come up with something,

it's because he's a giant wussbag.

Murray!

Don't blame me. I didn't raise him.

Oh, I got to get down there
and turn up the heat.

Well, good luck.

I set the temperature to 66,
and I ripped off the knob.

Who wants some nummy snacks?

No, thanks, Mom. We kind of
got something going on here.

Mm, doesn't look like it,

and I've got the perfect thing

to help rev up those study engines...

Chocolate-covered strawberries.

Go on. Feed each other. [CHUCKLES]

Wait. Did you say "feed each other"?

What a great idea, huh?

Just do what comes naturally.

It seems natural that you'd
leave so we can study.

Come on, close those books and
crack open a conversation.

Oh, here's a topic...
Adam likes ice-skating.

Thoughts, Brea?

The only thing that comes to
mind is, "What's going on?"

What's going on is this stereo.

- [SMOOTH R&B MUSIC PLAYS]
- Ah.

Don't you just love R&B?

Feel the rhythm of the night.

What the hell, lady?

What's with the erotic fruit
and sensuous music?

- [BUTTON CLICKS, MUSIC STOPS]
- I did not break up Brea

and her boy toy to have you
sit on the sidelines, Adam.

I-I'm gonna do it.
Just give me a minute.

- I'll give you two.
- That's a tight window!

Well, it is what it is.
Now go show some fight.

Is... Is everything okay?

Yeah. I-I just need to
ask you something.

Would you be interested in...

This was it.

My mom's plan had led to this moment.

All I had to do was pop the question.

...doing next week's lab
so we can get ahead?

Oh.

Oh, no. Is the power out?

No. This is much worse.

Look who found a study candle.

You know what they say,

everyone learns better in low light.

I can't see anything.

Just scooch in, share the flame.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom refused to let up,

Barry wasn't gonna let Erica
off the hook.

You.

You did this!

I'm still hot for teacher,

but she is no longer hot for me.

Oopsie-doopsy.

Did I ruin your inappropriate affair

so now you actually
have to earn your grade?

You can't accept I earned
the same grade as you?

I cannot, because you did not.

You're unbelievable!

Did you know this was the first
girl I liked since Lainey?

Please, do not try to convince me that

- this thing with our teacher is real.
- Why not?

Maybe because you're shaped
like Grimace from McDonald's?

Oh, thank you. That purple
gumdrop is a delight.

He is not a delight.

Grimace is a simpleton
with short, useless arms.

He could still carry a shake!

And his clumsy antics are the
perfect foil for Ronald.

- He gets the job done.
- What job?

And, oh, my God,
it's conversations like this

that make me certain our
hot teacher couldn't like you.

You never believe I could be something

other than your dumb brother.

That's not what I'm saying.

For the first time
in a really long time,

I had an amazing Valentine's Day.

And you ruined it.

- Thanks a lot.
- Barry, wait.

I always thought Ronald McDonald

looked a lot like my Uncle Allen.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica had made a
mess of Barry's love life...

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- ...my mom had to do

some romantic cleanup of her own.

Hi, Mrs. Goldberg.

I could really use your help.

See, Andrew still hasn't asked
me to the Valentine's Skate.

I'm worried he's still into Brea.

Damn it, Dana, do I need to
put on a Dana costume

and finish the job myself?

Why are you yelling at me?

You said you were good
at this preventa stuff.

I can lead a horse to water,

but I can't make it drink
a tall glass of blech.

- No offense.
- How do I not take offense to that?

Look, you'll be fine.

You'll marry rich, he'll
get bored after a month,

and you'll clean up in the divorce.

Right now the only love life
I'm concerned with is Adam's.

Well, he better move fast,

because Andrew's determined
to get Brea back.

Okay, quick. What's Brea into?

- Um...
- Okay, pick up the pace.

No wonder Andrew has a wandering eye.

She likes the band New Edition.

I can work with that.

As for you, give him these strawberries.

And when he talks, you just nod a lot.

But doesn't that just play
into ugly gender roles?

- You will never find love.
- But I...

ADULT ADAM: Yep, time was running out
to seal the deal with Brea.

Bro, you got to ask her out
before someone else does.

I would, but she's half my age.

[LAUGHS]

Okay. I'm going in.

[BEATBOXING]

This song goes out to the
lovely Brea... From Adam.

Good God, no.

[TO TUNE OF CANDY GIRL]
♪ Brea, girl ♪

♪ You are Adam's world ♪

♪ It would be so great ♪

♪ If you were his date ♪

♪ He really, really, really, really ♪

♪ Wants you to be his date ♪

I'm a rock guy, but sometimes
good is just good.

- You!
- Always pull through? I know.

I told you I'd handle it on my own.

But I found out that Andrew
is still hung up on Brea.

He was gonna swoop right in,
and then you'd have no date.

So what?

This doesn't have
anything to do with you.

Sweetie, we are in this together.

When you hurt, I hurt.

Are you also feeling
the overwhelming humiliation

you just caused me?

No, I'm actually still buzzing
from that amazing jam.

Well, you're right about one thing.

You're a great preventa,

'cause you just made sure
me and Brea have no chance.

ADULT ADAM: After losing Elana,

Barry paid a visit to the head
of her department.

Professor Lee, there's this awesome
rock song about inappropriate love

I'm trying to base my life on.

You mean that deafening noise

made by morally questionable gentlemen?

- You're not a fan of rock?
- Only the ones I paint.

This is one of my most recent.

Oh, that's lovely!

You got a medium-size one
and a little fella,

and, look, [CHUCKLES] there's a boulder.

[CHUCKLES] You know your rock sizes.

So, is Elana in trouble
for going out with me?

It's certainly frowned upon,

but there's nothing
in the code of conduct

that says a teacher
can't date a student.

- There isn't?
- Nope.

Had there been, I wouldn't have met

my one and only sexual partner...

My wife of 30 years.

That's great...

I mean, not about your old wife,

but Elana's not getting in trouble?

She's not... Unless she gave you
a grade you didn't deserve.

She gave me an A.

- I'm calling the dean.
- Oh, no!

- Hang up that phone.
- Who are you?

She's his sister.

Geoff, I can speak for myself.

- I'm his sister.
- Nailed it, babe.

And here's the thing...
Barry earned that A.

Barry's paper was smart,
creative, and oddly persuasive.

You really liked it?

I did.

And I'm sorry I was so
petty and competitive.

The fact is, you are so much smarter

than I give you credit for.

Thanks. That means a lot.

It's true.

And you deserve to go out with
Elana if that's what you want.

- Then go.
- Okay.

- All of you go!
- ADULT ADAM: With that,

Barry knew just what to do
to fix his Valentine's Day,

and I couldn't forgive my mom
for ruining mine.

Damn it, Adam, open up.

You can't stay angry at me forever.

ADAM: I can, and I will.

- [SIGHS]
- Hey. What's going on here?

I hired a boy band
without Adam's knowledge

to help lock down his Valentine's date,

and for some reason, he's mad at me.

That doesn't sound good.

I can still fix it.

I just need you to call the school,

say you're Brea's dad,

and demand her class schedule.

How 'bout I do nothing
and you stay out of it?

If I stayed out of it
with you and Ilene,

you'd be married
to that sack of wet corn.

Bevy, you and I being together

has nothing to do
with you preventa'ing Ilene.

'Course it does.

No, I just liked you.

Well, yeah, but she had the, uh...
The face and the stuff.

You had everything.

Oh, Murray.

If this girl likes Adam,
it'll work out for him, too.

[MOTLEY CRUE'S "HOME SWEET HOME" PLAYS]

♪♪

- ♪ You know I'm a dreamer ♪
- Schmoo?

♪ But my heart's of gold ♪

I'm sorry I interfered with Brea.

You ask her when you're ready.

♪ So I wouldn't come home low ♪

But what if she says no?

Is that what you've been afraid of?

I just like her so much.

Well, you're never gonna know
if you don't ask.

But I don't want to mess it up.

Yeah, I might not be
impartial, but, uh...

Anyone would be a fool to say no to you.

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

ADULT ADAM: Turns out the scariest
thing you can do

is put yourself out there.

But then you do, and you realize

it was exactly what you needed
to move forward.

- So, no one's in trouble?
- Not even a little.

And, even better, we can go out again.

Here's the thing, Barry.
I don't think we should.

Oh.

You're a great guy.

It's just not a good idea.

[SIGHS]

That sucks, but I get it.

I hope you're okay.

I am.

And I think it's time
to get myself back out there.

Thanks for helping me realize that.

Whoever that ends up being,

she's a lucky lady.

Not as lucky as the guy
who ends up with you.

♪ Home sweet home ♪

Barry, wait.

One for the road?

♪ Tonight, tonight ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ Just set me free ♪

♪ Home sweet home ♪

[VOICE BREAKING] Thank you.
That was awesome.

♪ Home sweet home ♪

ADULT ADAM: And, sure, sometimes it
doesn't work out how you imagined,

but if you don't take a
chance, you'll never know

if your dreams could become a reality.

I'm glad you asked me.
What took you so long?

Just waiting for the right moment.

Because at the end of the day,
love is about finding someone

who makes every day feel like a dream.

♪ Home sweet home ♪

♪♪

- Brea Bee.
- Hi!

[BELL DINGS]

This really has been the
best Pal-entine's Day ever.

[SIGHS] My heart is full.

So is my stomach.
That pasta was amazing.

Oh! And the carriage ride?

Even though we didn't have a
blanket, I still felt toasty.

Let's finish strong.

Okay. [LAUGHS]

[JACKIE JAMES' "EVERY LITTLE BIT" PLAYS]

♪♪

♪ 'Cause every little bit
of my heart is true ♪

♪ This is where I belong ♪

♪ Been savin' every little bit
of my heart for you ♪

♪ For so long ♪

- [LAUGHS]
- [SIGHS]

- We need girlfriends.
- So bad.

Let's never speak of this.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com