The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 12 - The Goldbergs - full transcript

Geoff struggles to keep his living arrangement with Erica and Barry a secret from Beverly during game night; Adam goes to his guidance teacher for a lesson in being cool so he can get closer to a new girl in chemistry class.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
board games of the '80s.

Nothing bonded families faster

than a magical night spent rolling dice

and trapping mice with loved ones.

No one was more into it than my mom.

Surprise! It's game night!

- That's right.

I blatantly lied to your
faces to get you here.

So, I'm not getting an all-expenses-paid

trip to Japan to have
my own samurai sword

forged from the iron of Mount Fuji?

Not even a little bit.

So, pint-sized comedy
genius Emmanuel Lewis

isn't here to discuss future projects?

You'll be the only tiny
wonder in this house.

So, an A&R guy didn't reach out

about a demo tape I made last year?

- You're a hit with me.
- I ran here.

And my high school sweetheart
didn't call, hoping to reconnect?

She did call, but only to
tell you to stop calling.

I'll stop calling when her
nurse stops picking up.

- So, no pizza?
- Phone's right there.

When will this deceit end?

I just wanted one evening

where we're all together

in a focused seven-hour window.

Seven hours? That's almost
half a night's sleep.

And aren't you forgetting
we never actually play

'cause we can never agree on a game?

While I do agree we've
had some setbacks...

POPS: Setbacks? In a fit of rage,

Barry kicked the Operation game

and needed a real operation.

They sewed my toe back on,

and now I have to think extra hard

when I want to wiggle it.

Despite Barry's zombie toe,

we can still have a good night.

- Who wants to play Boggle?
- BARRY: Pass.

I used the timer as salt by mistake.

Here's an oldie but a goodie.


Tell me more about this arousing game.

Well, you use a big disc

to get a little disc into a medium cup.

Oh, I've been betrayed again.

Just call it "Disc-cup"
so I know it sucks!

The Game of Life?

I've already played it.

Turns out, there are no winners.

- You'll see.
- I'm calling it. TV wins.

- You can't just leave.
- I'm up already. Eh.

Me, too. I'm gonna use my
"get out of hell free" card.

- Same.
- Tiddlywinks?

- This is all your fault.
- On the bright side, Bevy,

we were all together for a little while.

- Three minutes.
- Oy. Man, it dragged.

(SIGHS) What do ya say, Bar?

How about a heady game of
Stratego with your mama?

That's so sweet you'd think
I'd do that with you.

Damn it! All I wanted

was one special night with my family!

Here's a healthy outlet
for your anger...

- Flip the board.
- Well, that doesn't sound very healthy.

Do it... Or I will.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was January
22nd, 1980-something,

and for the first time in my life,

science class was gonna get interesting.

Okay, loyal students,

I want to tell you about a
great book I read on helium.

- Couldn't put it down. (CHUCKLES)
- Was that a joke?

'Cause it went over like a lead balloon.

Damn it. Have I been learning stuff?

If that didn't make you
laugh, neither will this...

I'm assigning partners
for your midterm lab.

- Adam Goldberg, ah,

you're with Brea Bee.

I be with Brea-who?

ADULT ADAM: But I knew
exactly who she was.

Everyone did. She was Brea Bee,

and she was the coolest girl in school.

- What's up, Adam?
- You know my name?

Uh, yeah.

We've been in school
together since kindergarten.

For sure. The big K.

Followed by "indergarten."

Kindergarten, when you
put it all together.

Which you already had.

But, moving on...

Brighton Beach Memoirs.

It's a coming-of-age comedy

about a boy with a crazy family.

It checks a lot of boxes for me.

I love Neil Simon.

Did you know Ferris
Bueller's in Biloxi Blues?


Oh, my God. Are you choking?

You not only know who Neil Simon is,

but you reference Matthew Broderick

by his iconic character's name.

What's the problem?

The problem is you're Brea Bee.

(CHUCKLING) Adam, don't be ridiculous.

I'm just like everyone else.

You're the most popular girl in school.

That was just a unanimous
vote in the yearbook.

- It means nothing.
- Even your dismissal

of the high-school social
order is refreshing.

Come on. We have a lab to do.

Of course. How about I just do it all

and we'll share the credit?

- Good?
- Not good.

You take all the credit and
I'll do summer school.

No way, man.

We're doing this together.

Look, Adam, trust me,

once you get to know me,
you're gonna like me.

Challenge accepted.

- Come on.

Everyone shut up.

I'm pretty sure I've just
been vibing with... Brea Bee.

I heard you're not supposed to tell
crazy people that they're crazy,

but you're crazy.

Yeah, that makes no sense.
You're wildly unappealing.

I'm having a hard time
believing it, too.

But there's something there.

We both like Neil Simon.

Everyone likes Neil Simon.

He's the Brooklyn Bard.

He makes your people
folksy and relatable.

She's also a great person.

She can't be nice and hot.

No one needs two ways to get stuff.

In my experience, kindness and beauty

do not go hand-in-hand.

- He sees me.
- You definitely read the situation wrong.

There's no way Brea Bee
even knows your name.

- Hey, Adam.
- Hey, Brea.

- Holy crap!
- I know the guy who knows Brea.

- I find you attractive now.
- Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go share my
lunch hour with her.

Just like that? It's one
thing to vibe over chem lab.

It's another thing entirely
to sit with the cool kids.

ADULT ADAM: Maybe, but I didn't care.

After science class, I was flying high.

I'm going in.

He can't just walk over there.

ADULT ADAM: Why not?
Who was gonna stop me?

Hey, you lost, bro?

Yeah. That's a no-go.

This is the cool table and you're...

A flaming hot turd of nothing.


But Brea Bee is my lab partner.

- We don't make the rules.
- I mean, we do.

And you could try to appeal,

but I'll bury you in paperwork.

She's right there. Just
let me make eye contact,

- and she'll wave me in.
- Bro, stop trying to violate

the well-established social
hierarchy of the cafeteria.

But I'm cool... You know, in an
offbeat, non-traditional way

that'll surely have more
value in adulthood.

Yeah, I'm gonna dump this
dry salad on your head.

It's still embarrassing,
but it cleans up easy.

ADULT ADAM: While the cool kids
were putting me in my place,

Geoff and Erica were
getting cozy in theirs.

Molly Ringwald really is pretty in pink.

Redheads traditionally can't
pull off a gentle blush,

but that's how great
an actress she is...

She has color range, too.

Can I tell you something?

I really like living with you.

Aw. Me too.

You know, except for
the debilitating fear

of being found out by our parents.

- Yeah, I'm good with it.
- What a fun and contrary view

of the situation. You know
what else could be fun...

- We tell them?
- Naw. This is easier.


It's your mama!

Code Bev! Go, go, go!

ADULT ADAM: Yeah, my mom had a habit

of dropping by the dorm unannounced.

Luckily, Erica and Geoff
had gotten pretty good

at making it look like
Barry still lived there.

BEVERLY: Hey, I heard a
new song on the radio

by that man with the tushie...
Uh, Bert Springbean?

So, I went to Sam Goody,
got in a fight with a man

with a feather earring,

and raced here with the cassingle.

There's my schmoopaloopa.

Where's your brother?
He's got to hear this.

Yeah, he's indisposed.

Hey, Barry, everything
going okay in there?

Hi, Mom, this isn't a good time.

- This is Barry.
- But I haven't seen you all week.

Open the door and let me hold your
hand while you make poopalas.

Thanks for stopping by! This is Barry.

Yeah, it's no bueno in there.

Let me walk you to your car.

Uh-oh! Barry did it again.

(LAUGHING) Oh! There you go, my big boy.

This is Barry. I'm enjoying a shower.

What? It doesn't sound like it.


Erica, I don't think this is working.

What a weird thing to say.

It really is, but he's obviously
going through a lot,

so let's not pull threads.

Remind him to wash his bottom.

ERICA: Absolutely not.

ERICA: What the hell, man?

You didn't have to get in the shower.

I don't know!

and Geoff had a close call,

I needed some advice

on how to get close to Brea Bee.

Pops, it's a dire romantic emergency.

Why do you think I hang out here all day

buttering up bagels?

Okay, I kind of hit it
off with this girl,

but I think she might
be way too cool for me.

- What do I do?
- Just be yourself.


No "and." That's it.

You never let me down, Pops.

- Pops let me down!
- "Be yourself"?

You? Yourself?

- Being it?
- I know, Dave Kim.

She's one of the chosen ones,

the beautiful elite,

the best kind of aloof.

They'll never accept... this.

You don't have to waft.
I know, Dave Kim!

You need to get better advice.

I know, Dave Kim!

But who's cool enough to guide you?

ADULT ADAM: Turns out,
there was someone...

Mr. Perott, our new guidance counselor.

Yep, he wore a leather jacket
and was the epitome of cool.

I think I know, Dave Kim.

Here's some advice...
Right after you graduate,

take a couple years

and bike right across Africa.

See where this mixed-up
world got started.

I can't hear a single word you're saying

because I'm positive you're
gonna lop off your thumb.

What's that? This silly thing?


That was so terrifyingly masculine, sir.

Sure. So, what are we thinking here?


Trade school? The Army?

You probably can't tell, but I'm a...

- Hardcore nerd?
- Whoa!

- You can't call me that.
- I can.

Because I was one, too.

That's you? You're so...

- Scrawny, zitty, pasty?
- Exactly.

- How is this kid you?
- Well, I got a haircut,

I slapped on some acne cream,

and then I hit the gym.

But that's only part of it, Adam.

I need to know. Tell me everything.


- You're just gonna do it?
- Why not?

I mean, I already told three students

to bike across Africa this morning.

I can phone it in for
the rest of the day.

So, we start with your signature look.

For example, I always have
a pair of sunglasses on me,

just in case I need to dramatically
toss them off like this.


Your disregard for eyewear makes
me know you mean business.

Next, ABCG...

Always Be Chewing Gum.

That way, you look both busy
and laid-back all at once.

Laid-back and busy.

I'll be like a CEO from California.

Third... Make sure you never give anyone

your full attention.

here. See how you got

a little confused there,
like there was something

more interesting behind
you? There wasn't.

I just made that up.

So rude and effective.

And finally, whenever you're walking,

play a kick-ass jam in your head.

Would the Ewok celebration
song Yub Nub work?

I've never heard it before, but no.

♪ Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam ♪

♪ Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam ♪
♪ Black Betty had a child ♪

ADULT ADAM: And so Mr. Perott
took me under his badass wing.

Meanwhile, Erica and
Geoff needed Barry's help

to get their plan to fly.

We need to talk...

Right after you tell
us what you're doing.

I'm just cutting up various balls

to see what's inside of them.

Biggest surprise?

Soccer ball... Nothing.

- Is that my soccer ball?
- I wouldn't know.

What brings you to Barry's Xanadu?

You need to make quality time with Mom.

- She misses you too much.
- Who can blame her?

I'm a delight.

No, idiot.

She keeps showing up
unexpectedly, looking for you.

My nosebleeds are way up.

Ha! She's gonna find out
you're living in sin,

freak out, and destroy your love.

Barry, do you like it here?

I'm living with my bros in this dope pad

with a solid 2.1 GPA.

I don't know how life
can get any better.

If your Mom busts us, it's not only
the end of me living with Erica,

it's the end of you living here, too.

Oh, no.

You shined a light on the consequences,

and now I suddenly care. What do we do?

We give Mom what she wants the most.

- Game night?
- You know it, girl.

I even brought Connect Four

so that we can connect two.

- Aww.
- Okay, well, you guys have family fun.

- Bye.
- Run, Geoff.

- Oh, no, Geoffrey.
- GEOFF: Wha...

You're not going anywhere.
Tonight's an all-play.

- But I was just dropping them off...
- Shh, shh, shh.

- Okay, I'm in the hug now, so...
- Game night.

Oh, I'm so excited,
I could (BLEEP) puke!


I might, too.

ADULT ADAM: Mr. Perott had
taught me his tricks for being cool,

and now I was ready to take
his advice out for a test drive.

Put this somewhere safe, Doc.

What an incredibly informal
way to talk to an adult,

but I'm on it.

You can't make us move.

We're allowed to sit here.

Wait. Adam?

In the flesh... And leather.

- Me likey.
- I get it.

His unearned confidence and
sunglasses make him desirable.

That's exactly what
I'm going for, Dave Kim.

Dude, you should go talk to Brea.

Already on my way, muchacho.

He casually threw in Spanish.

ADULT ADAM: Perott's advice
was working. I was crushing it.

And this time, there really was
nothing that would stop me

from lunching it up with Brea Bee.

Whoa. Goldnerd, is that you?

- Make a hole.
- For some reason,

my body's obliging your wishes.


Disposable shades and a leather jacket?

What kind of a budget is
this guy working with?

ADULT ADAM: Success! Time
to put Perott's tips into overdrive.

- Adam.
- Oh, hey, Brea.

- Didn't see you there.
- You look different.

Are you in the spring production
of West Side Story?

No, these are my new everyday threads.

Ooh. My God.

- That's a lot of gum.
- (MUFFLED) Thank you.

- What?
- No, it's actually fine.

Sorry, I can't understand you.

- It's kind of cool, huh?
- Also, you're drooling a little.


- (NORMAL VOICE) I'm enjoying this, uh,

give-and-take, you know?

Are you looking at me, or
is there someone behind me?

I'm not not looking at you.

- It's still happening.
- So... whatcha doing later?

I don't know. Hanging with the crew.

- Do you wanna join?
- What's the plan?

Plan is we pick you up at night.

That's not really a time.

- Doing what exactly?
- Stuff.

Well, then I'll be there,
whenever that is, at some point.


Brea just invited me to hang.
We have loose plans.

Loose plans?

It really is a different world.

ADULT ADAM: As my newfound
coolness was paying off,

Goldberg game night was officially on.

BEVERLY: Guess who?
I'll give you a hint...

I'm a beautiful blonde

with delicious eyes and a hint of spunk.

- Daryl Hannah!
- It's me, your mama.

So, let me show you our other
games for the evening.

Bed Bugs! Mall Madness.

Smurf Ahoy! Pig Pong.

Don't Spill the Beans.
Crackers In My Bed.

Girl Talk. Pizza Party! Pizza Party!

And Mouse Trap.

What about you, Geoff?
Are you ready to get trapped?

Trapped? Why? 'Cause
I'm lying? Is it hot in here?

Mr. G, did you turn the heat on?

In January? Not a chance!

Okay. Uh, where's the bathroom?

What are you talking about, Geoff?

You know where the bathroom is.

I don't know anything.
Maybe you remodeled.

- Stop questioning me!
- Why don't I show you?

Dude, pull it together.

I can't. I'm afraid at any moment,

I'll blurt out we're living together.

Just relax.

By the time we get back,
this all will have fallen apart.

The Goldbergs have never even
been able to choose a game.

We're playing Family Feud!

- Oh, they chose.
- No way.

Dad, you're good with this?

Survey says... Hoo-hoo!

So fun. Let's start a feud
with your family, Erica.

(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, we don't
feud against ourselves.

- Then who? Tell me who.

Please welcome the Schwartz family.

Lou and Linda, come on down.

- Mom? Dad?
- Hi, sweetie.

- We brought carrots!
- Whoo!

Bathroom again! I can't
lie to my parents.

Just focus on the game
and say nothing else.

- I'll try.

- Why did you do that?
- It'd be weirder if I didn't.

- That one's for you.

Okay, hands on buzzers.

Name something you put on your pizza.

- We're living together. I mean, pepperoni!

- What was that?
- He said pepperoni! Show me pepperoni!

Ding, ding, ding! Geoff,
you have control.

Doesn't feel like I do! And bathroom?

ADULT ADAM: While Geoff crumbled,

I was ready for a cool
night of loose plans.

Hey, gang. Thanks for showing up.

I totally haven't been ready
and waiting outside since 5:00.

Why are you wearing shades at night?

Did you just get your pupils dilated?

I just have a blatant
disregard for social norms.

- Like Bono or Anna Wintour.
- Badass.

So, any idea what we're doing tonight?

Let's say we play some baseball.

I'm not a big baseball guy.

I'm more into contact sports,
like hot potato or red rover.

Don't you worry.

There's gonna be plenty of contact.



Oh, my God! What did you just do?

My man just hit a home
run in mailbox baseball!

It's just like real baseball,
except it's vandalism.

Bro, you're up.

- Oh, no, thank you.
- But you're hitting cleanup.

Meaning you pull over and we
clean up the mess you made?

Meaning you're making a bigger mess

with this bat I'm handing you.

moment, I had a choice...

Show Brea I could hang with
the crew or do the right thing.


- Oh!
- Oh!

Holy crap!

I did neither.

- I missed it.
- My brother's Buick!


And his bat? Not cool, man!


You know what else isn't cool?

This. Gah.

I'm a fool to have wanted
to be accepted by you

so I could charm a girl
who's way out of my league.

- Jodie Foster?
- Brea.

Adam, you did all this for me?

You're so popular and pretty,

and for a moment, I guess
I thought we had a connection.

- I didn't know that.
- Now you do.

Sorry about the mirror.

I'd appreciate if we didn't go
through insurance to fix it.

As everything with Brea fell apart,

Geoff and Erica were
still holding it together.

- Thank God it's over.
- And yet it's not, young Geoffrey.

With tonight's success,

Mom will surely want to
do this again every week.

But I'll crumble under the
weight of our thousands of lies!

It'll be fine.

We'll do whatever it takes
to keep our secret.

What secret? That you
guys are living together?

Oh, no. She knows. Erica, she knows.

I know she knows. How do you know?

I suspected, and also Geoff blurted
it out three times tonight.

It's true! We're living together!

Why do I keep saying it? Pepperoni!

- Before you get upset...
- Before? I'm furious!

You have no right to be.

We're both adults who can
make our own decisions.

If you were adults, I wouldn't
have had to find out this way.

- Mom...
- Don't.

I'm not happy that you
guys are living together,

but you know what breaks my
heart more than anything?


Is how far you went
to hide this from me.

And I'm living with the JTP,

which is a relatively minor betrayal

in light of Erica's shocking news.

striking out with Brea Bee,

all that was left to do was clean up.

Mr. Perott, what are you doing here?

Well, I have a police scanner,
and I heard there was trouble.

- You all right, kid?
- Not even a little.

Well, hop on. I'll give you a ride home.

Or maybe you want to split a cab?

Nah. Motorcycles are super safe.


I've already made a bunch
of terrible decisions today.

I might as well just... continue.

Just please drive slow!


So, what's eating atcha?

So, we're just gonna
talk about this now,

like this isn't terrifying?

Car, car, car!

Ah, it's parked. Come on. Spill.

I guess it all started... (GASPS)

Oh, no, it's a curve!

Do I lean with you or away from you?


I'm so scared!

All right. It's gonna be
straight for a while.

- This is your chance.
- Fine.

I'll try to get it out before we die.

There's an amazing girl,

and my grandfather gave me
stupid advice, so I went to you,

and you told me to be
cool, and it worked,

but then I committed a postal
crime, and I hate myself.

- I got some good news for you, buddy.

You're not cool.

That's not good news,
and I just ate a bug.

Look, I know I may seem cool,

but I'm an unmarried 48-year-old

with a crap ton of student debt,

and I got dental issues
from chewing gum all day.

What are you saying?

Being cool is different
from being happy.

That comes from feeling
good on the inside.

And as far as I'm concerned,

the old nerdy Adam Goldberg
has plenty to feel good about.


Now you're telling me to just be myself?

Yeah. Sounds good.

You should do that.

I can't believe it.

Pops was right all along.

Yellow light! Yellow light!

- We got this!

ADULT ADAM: As Mr. Perott finally
guided me in the right direction,

my mom was left feeling betrayed.

- Living together, Murray.
- I get it.

Li-ving to-ge-ther!

Now I really get it.

Okay, here's what's gonna happen.

Barry and Erica are
gonna move back here.

We're gonna home-college them

and occasionally let
them into the backyard

for vitamin D and free play.

I think everything's gonna be okay.

You're okay with your
sweet little peanut

shacking up with that walking
menace Geoff Schwartz?

Menace? They already spent
the summer in a van

half the size of a dorm room.

That's beside the point.

She loves him, he loves her.

I don't like anybody, and I like him!

Well, he is sweet and smart and
would do anything for her.

And I've never seen her this happy.

I guess.

I know.

For someone who worries so much
about failing as a mother,

I'd take this as a win.

ADULT ADAM: It's crazy how,
no matter where we are in our lives,

we still struggle to do what's right.


Listen, um...

I just wanted to say
that I'm really sorry.

Sorry? But I ruined your night.

Are you kidding? I hate it
when those guys do that stuff.

I never say anything.

It's cool that you did.

'Cause we both know there's
no one cooler than me.


So, can I sit?

Uh, let me think about it... Yes.

- ♪ When I'm with you... ♪
- ADULT ADAM: Turns out,

we all need a little guidance sometimes.

You just have to know
where to look for it,

and then it'll all make sense.

♪ You are the sun ♪

What's this for?

For everything you do.


No thanks needed.

But I'll take it.

ADULT ADAM: Everyone
bends the rules a little bit,

but that's what makes life exciting.

- What's all this?
- It's fine, Mom.

Everything's gonna go
back to the way it was.

Stop. No one needs to move anywhere.

Barry wins and doesn't
need to know more.

Yes! Good luck.

So, you're just good with all this?


But I'm trying to be

because the truth is,
you and Geoff belong together.

Holy crap. Really?


But you... have to understand
how hard this is for me.

When I first met you,
you were a perfect,

barely-seven-pound little being.

You relied on me for everything,

and now you're a grown woman,

and making all your own choices,

and I am just trying
to be okay with that.

I get it.

And I promise to be more
honest with you from now on.

Maybe we can talk about it
at our next game night.

(EXHALES SHARPLY) I would love that.

♪ You are the sun ♪

♪ You are the rain ♪

ADULT ADAM: In the end,
we all make choices every day

that feel like a roll of the dice,

and that can be scary,

but also exciting.

One thing's for sure, though,

if you're playing the crazy game of life

with the people you love,

everyone's a winner.

♪ You are the sun, you are... ♪

Now we have our first
commercial in store for you.

♪ Be a winner at The Game of Life ♪

♪ Be a winner of The Game of Life ♪

- ♪ Get married ♪
- ♪ Get married ♪

♪ Have a baby ♪

♪ Have a baby ♪ (LAUGHS)

JTP residence. Go for Big Tasty.

- BARRY'S VOICE: It's Barry.
- No, I'm Barry.

This is definitely Barry.

- No, I'm Barry.
- This is still Barry.

No. I'm Barry.

Uh-oh! Barry did it again.

- What did I do?
- I'm Barry. I'm enjoying a shower.

No, I'm not.

Wait. Are you my evil twin?

Listen, we can work together.

- Thanks for stopping by!
- Hold on... Erica?

- Miss you! Bye!