The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 2 - The Goldbergs - full transcript

Adam's girlfriend, Jackie, is back after spending her summer at NYU; she has changed so much, it's almost like she's a whole different person. After receiving some not-so-great romantic advice from his loved ones, Adam takes drastic measures to hold on to his relationship. Meanwhile, Beverly is not happy with Lainey's less-than-ideal domestic skills and decides to teach her future daughter-in-law a thing or two.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
ADAM: Back in the '80s, there
was nothing my mom loved more

than cooking her way
into her family's heart.

From her gooey potato
casserole, to whatever this thing is.

But her signature move
was the art of parming,

featuring her
legendary dish of choice:

Shrimp parm. Shrimp parm.
Shrimp parm. Shrimp parm.

Unlike my mom, Barry
and his fiancée Lainey

were happy to leave the
cooking to a microwave.

Aw, look at you two,
snuggled up on the couch.

- What the hell is that?
- Oh. Hungry-Man dinners.

I'm hungry, I'm
a man. It lines up.

That was so thoughtful of you

to make Barry a delightful mix
of mystery meat and radiation.

Thank you. I think.

I know you grew up in
a lawless, broken home,

but these frozen dinners
are unacceptable for Barry.

No offense.

You can't just tag "no offense"

on the end of something
offensive and act like it's okay.

It's just that Barry requires

a real home-cooked
dinner fit for a boy king.

As his future wife, that
responsibility falls on you.

And every creepy thing you just said
is the reason why your boy is so broken.

No offense.

Hey, heh, your thing does work.

I wasn't gonna do this,

but your resistance
shows me that it's time.

Everybody in the kitchen!

Family history is
about to take place!

The others will be
down in a minute.

They'd be crushed to miss this.

Family presentation,
down here, now!

They clearly don't care, but
I'm jazzed. What's the big news?

Lainey, we are gathered here today,
in front of parts of my entire family,

for the bequeathing

of our family's most
prized possession.

ADAM: It was true. This really
was the biggest deal in the world,

to my mom and no one else.

Oh. Recipes?

The keys to Barry's happiness
are in this box. You're welcome.

Speech! Speech! Speech!

Uh, thanks a ton.
And food is family?

Very nice. Very nice try.

While I appreciate the gesture, I
just don't see myself cooking for Barry.

That is the most upsetting thing
I've ever heard. Take the box.

Thanks, but I won't use
the box, so I don't need it.

I don't need the box, I've got
the box memorized. So take it.

- Just take the box.
- Fine, I'll take the box.

Yay. My schmoopie-in-law
wants the box.

- Oh!
- Speech! Speech! Speech!

My Barry's in such good hands.

♪ I'm twisted up inside, but
nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future, but the past
Keeps getting clearer every day ♪♪

ADAM: It was September,

a new year of school with
my same old awesome friends.

- Hey, dumbass. Still a dumbass?
- You know it, muscles.

Dave Kim, you're still
rocking the turtleneck.

I was thinking of making the
switch to a mock turtleneck,

but why change what works?

- Adam!
- Jackie?

ADAM: There was one person
who changed a ton over the summer.

My sci-fi-loving, theater-geek
girlfriend, Jackie Geary.

- I missed you so much.
- Me too.

Ow! Something sharp
stabbed my torso!

Sorry, safety pin. Don't
you love this jacket?

I got it at a thrift
shop in the Village.

What happened to the velvet
cloak I found you at the Ren Faire?

- Got swampy in the subway.
- You went on the subway?

That's where break-dancing
gangs shake you down for cash.

Breakin' 2: Electric
Boogaloo lied to us.

I had the best time
exploring the city.

Next year, you have to do the NYU
summer program. You won't regret it.

My mom said I can
never live in New York

because the pigeons
are aggressive

and the poisonous a.c.
juice from apartments

drips on your head as you walk.

I discovered cool new music and
clothes, and made tons of new friends.

- Speaking of...
- 'Sup, skank?

Carla? This special and
terrifying person is your friend?

When I got there, I
didn't know anyone.

And then I saw Carla, and
I was like, "Crap, it's Carla.

She's gonna make fun of my
face and tell everyone I'm a nerd."

I totally did. But then, Jack-Attack
let me borrow her hairbrush,

and I was like, "You're
my best friend now."

She kicked a rat for me.

Well, it sounds like you and
Jack-Attack had a good time.

Oh. Talk later. Save
me a spot at lunch.

Is it me, or did your lady
go away for the summer

and come back a
different person?

ADAM: Jackie didn't look the
same, but that didn't matter to me

because we still loved
the same nerdy stuff.

ADAM: Boom!
- No way!

You got us tickets for
the school Bazaar-nival.

That's right. One part
bazaar, one part carnival...

Two parts fun! You're so cute.

Are you swooning
at a Bazaar-nival?

It's our special thing since our
first kiss on the bumper cars.

- That's how I chipped my tooth.
- A magical time.

- So jealous.
- Pick you up Saturday night?

Saturday? Oh, man.

Carla and I already have plans
to watch her boyfriend drag-race.

The Bazaar-nival's got a
crafting booth and candy apples.

Not that it's a competition.

- I'll cancel my plans with Carla.
- No, don't do that.

Sure you don't wanna come?

I already have my ticket.
It's okay, you should go.

Yeah, you're right.

I'll see you later.


How could Jackie pass
on the Bazaar-nival?

It's the Bazaar-nival!

Your lady just went
full Zuko on you.

- Full what?
- Danny Zuko from Grease.

After months of summer
loving, Sandy returns to school

- and finds Zuko totally changed.
- In this instance, you're the Sandy.

Like the movie, the
only way to keep her

is change everything about
yourself in utter desperation.

- That's a horrible message for children.
- The worst.

But the songs are
real toe-tappers.

ADAM: While I was
dreading losing my girlfriend,

Lainey dreaded her
future as Barry's mom.

I can't believe your mom forced
me to take the box. The nerve!

Did you at least give a speech?

Calm down, Geoff.

Lainey will lend you the box
so that you can cook for me too.

No, your mom gave
it to her, not me.

I'll just make you cookies from a mix, like
some stupid ♪♪♪♪ face off the street!

We get it. You want to be Erica's
mom, but I'm not going down that way.

You apologize for nothing.
Look in my wild, angry eyes.

The last thing I want is
for you to be my mom.

- You mean it?
- More than anything.

I've never been more excited
about our future together.

This is my life
now, and it sucks.

You told Lainey you
didn't care if she cooked.

Dude, of course I care. Dinner's
the only time of day I can be me.

I love racing home to
a warm blanket of parm.

That's how our family expresses
love, through melted cheese.

I want Erica to experience
that cheese love too.

You gotta get me
a peek at that box.

Maybe there's a way we
both get what we want.

- Name it. I'm in.
- Take it, it's yours.

You're giving me the box? But
your mom handed it off to Lainey.

Indeed, she did, young Geoffrey.

And when Lainey realizes the
box is gone, she'll feel so guilty,

she'll let my mom
teach her all the recipes.

You do want Lainey
to be your mom.

Ew, gross! But for sure, yes,
I want my wife to be my mom.

That's weird. But I get it, I
wanna be my girlfriend's mom.

Dude, there's no one I'd rather
have be a mom to my sister than you.

Sir, it would be an honor to be
your mother-slash-brother-in-law.

With my looks and
my brains, we can't fail.

- You can't put metal in the microwave.
- Got it.

ADAM: As Barry's plan sparked
to life, I went to my love guru,

who could help me find
the spark with Jackie.

Pops, I have a romantic emergency,
and I need your patented love advice.

That's exactly why
I sit here all day.

Jackie came back from summer break,
and she's all New York-ish and fringy.

Dave Kim says if I don't
change, we're done.

Dave Kim, always
stirring the pot.

You need to be
proud of who you are

and never change for anyone.

MURRAY: Wrong. You
gotta change and change hard.

- You think?
- No! Don't listen to him.

He's not even in this
conversation, he's behind the paper.

MURRAY: You gotta change
when you date someone more pretty,

- like me and your mom.
- That makes sense.

No, it doesn't.

You're just intrigued because the
paper makes him hidden and mysterious.

MURRAY: You wouldn't
believe what I did for that woman.

- Tell me more, dark stranger.
- I took square-dancing lessons.

I brunched with her friends.

I even took my
shoes off at the beach.

And the guy is
still with my mom!

It's your dad! You
know who he is.

ADAM: True, and
yet I still listened

to the wise voice
behind the sports section.

I headed straight to the coolest
store on South Street, Zipperhead.

Back then, it was the one place
you'd go for all your punk needs.

Hello, fine madam.

I'm here to purchase
your anti-monarchy garb.

Beat it, yuppy. Go home
and wait for L.A. Law.

She knows what
we watch. Let's bail.

No. This is too important.

- Nothing can help you, poser.
- Pfft. I am not a poser.

Name one member of The Clash.

Of the Titans? There's
Zeus and that metal robot owl

and Harry Hamlin from
L.A. Law plays Perseus.

Stop talking and I'll help you.
First, we gotta fix your dumb hair.

I'll do whatever it takes
to turn into Eric Idle.

You mean Billy Idol.

How long will it take to get cool,
punky...? Gah! Boy, it smells so weird.

This is not gonna be
an easy process for you.

ADAM: Yep, my change
all began with my hair.

Meanwhile, Barry's harebrained
scheme was about to unfold.

We need to talk.
I'm in huge trouble.

Good thing I was just
waiting for you. What is it?

Someone stole your
mom's recipe box.

Oh, no! How could
something like this happen?

I know. It's so weird.

They didn't take my car keys,
or my wallet, or my Walkman.

Not all thieves are
in it for the money.

Some are after the
hottest food trends.

Thief cooks, they're called.

Your mom will never forgive me.

- With me at your side, we'll find a way.
- You're an amazing human being.

Must feel good
to say it out loud.

Mother, we have
some terrible news.

Oh, no. Is it Lyme

I saw a deer on my way home.

It is much worse
than a rogue deer.

Worse than a rogue deer that
may or may not have a tick?

What are you trying to tell me?

- Someone stole your recipes.
- No.

Tell me how I can
make this right.

You could call all of my
relatives that knew the recipes...

- Oh, wait, they're all
dead. BARRY: Whoa.

I'm just thinking out loud,

but I believe my mom knows
all those recipes by heart. Yes?

My broken heart.

Perhaps if you let my mom teach
you how to cook those recipes,

one cornerstone of caring
for me, then all will be forgiven.

Babe, thank you for
helping us through this.

As we've established, I'm
the best. So, what do you say?

I say...


We better hit the market. We'll
need all their meats and cheeses.

ADAM: As my mom took Lainey under
her wing, my new look had taken flight.

I had my new hair, studded
vest and a Black Flag shirt,

which I thought was bug spray.

Goodbye, Sandy from
Grease. Hello, Billy Idol.

Whoa. Check out the hot new guy.

I feel threatened, and I
wanna punch your face off.

No, wait. It's me,
Adam, Jackie's boyfriend.

Why didn't you say so? I
almost went to jail just now.

Cool. Heh.

If you see Jackie, tell her
I'm in for Saturday night.

- Let's burn some rubber.
- Wait, you race?

But Jackie said you're afraid
of birds and have allergies.

Pfft. Not allergic to speed. Just
cat dander and feather pillows.

What kind of wheels you driving?

I got me a sick wagon, station-style.
Wood panels, bitchen roof rack.

I got a gnarly Celica ST.
You wanna race for pink slips?

The pinker, the better.

Sick! I'll spread the word, make
sure the whole school shows up.

The whole what now?

- Hells, yeah.
- I'm on it.

New Goldberg's got
nards, and I like it.

Hope there's no hard feelings
when I smoke you and take your car.


Wait, that's what
a pink slip is?

Oh, balls. This went bad fast.

ADAM: After going punk for my lady,
all I needed now was badass wheels.

MURRAY: Ah! I heard jingling.

Don't know which moron that is,

but if you want my car,
then take Pops home.

Yeah, I could use a ride.

Aw, come on! Fine, because
I love you. Let's get moving.

MURRAY: Bup-bup! You
know all those paving stones?

The ones Mom has screamed
at you to return for the last year?

load them up in the car

and take them back to
Hechinger's before they close.

- No. Can't I do this another time?
- No, it'll feel good to get it off my plate.


Oh, crap! I accidentally ripped
my purposely-ripped jeans.

You actually bought tattered
jeans with holes? Who does that?

Badasses like me.

ADAM: While I hit a detour, inside
was a race for the perfect parm.

Okay, here you go.
Pork parm Wellington.

Attempt number nine,
so dear God, please like it.


Close enough. Let's just
move on to meatloaf burgers.

No! Not until we've perfectly
baked all 53 ingredients.

Or is it 54? Oh...

You said you knew
all the recipes by heart.

No yenta in the world can remember
every ounce of butter and pinch of salt

that goes into this many dishes.

Can't I just order
Barry Chinese food?

You think this is
just about cooking?

There is so much more that
goes into taking care of our Barry.

- Like what?
- Washing his Flyers shirts,

flipping his covers
when he sweats at night,

reminding him to make when he
waits too long and gets plugged up.

- What is that? What are you doing?
- It's the signal for poo-poos.

- You gotta learn the signal.
- I don't want to.

- Don't make her do the signal.
- She has to learn the signal.

- I don't wanna learn the signal.
- This hand is the potty,

beckoning the poo-poos,
and in they go. Huh?

- She's not doing it.
- Of course I'm not doing it!

Don't turn on each other,
go back to bonding over food

as I grab some fresh air.

Be right back.


Hard to run after
so much eating.

Dude, where is the box?

It's on the counter. Your
mom has some gems in there.

I made a hearty chowder for
Erica. Here, take a spoonful.

No, I don't have time to eat...


Tastes like our summers at the
shore, but enough of your dumb thing.

I need a recipe, stat.

ADAM: Barry knew there was only
one ingredient that could save his plan.

Meanwhile, the recipe
for a badass drag race

just needed one more thing, me.


Where's Gold-nerd?

I'm revving my engine for the
crowd, but it's losing its luster.

Wait, here he comes!

I may have been
drag-racing like Zuko,

but Greased Lightning I wasn't.

'Sup, people in the place to be?

- Adam?
- Jack-Attack. What's up?

I honestly have no idea.

What is on your body right now?

I ripped my punk-rock jeans
on a jagged paving stone.

So I ripped off the other leg
to be matchy, like a badass.

Okay, but what's
up with your hair?

Just how I roll, bro.

Also, I forgot to
wash out the Sun-In,

so then the actual blazing
sun over-baked my head

when I was loading in those
aforementioned paving stones

into the back of my
old wood-panel rocket.

Okay, but why are you
wearing snow gloves?

Don't own racing
gloves, so I'll tear it up

in these Freezy Freakies
because I'm crazy.

Okay, but why did you bring
an old man to a drag race?

ADAM: That's my boy Al.

Had to drop him
off at his sick pad,

but the bumpy car
ride lulled him to sleep.

Which is good, because he would
not approve of my drag-racing lifestyle.

I don't even know
who you are right now.

You're not the only one
who's changed this year.

Yo, no more
stalling. It's go time.

Let's ride.

ADAM: That day, I wasn't
the only one racing for my life.

"Bring to simmer.
Caramelize the onions.

Sprinkle two pinches
of celery salt."

Needs more wrist. More wrist.

BARRY: Forget the signal!

I realized on my walk home,
you need to caramelize the onions,

then sprinkle two
pinches of celery salt.

- How do you know about celery salt?
- Oh, um... Eater's intuition?

- It's my recipe. How did you...?
- I'll tell you how.

- You stole the box, didn't you?
- No. Also, yes.

You told me you didn't want
me to baby you like your mom.

And I don't. Also, I do.

You already have a mom.
And you can keep her.

No! You're not getting it.

If anything, you're a
smoking-hot mom with benefits.



How could this happen to a
boy king I've raised so normally?


ADAM: It was go time.

Our engines were roaring,
and everything was on the line.

My car, my dignity,

and most importantly,
my future with Jackie.


I kind of borrowed
this car from my dad,

so it's not really mine
to lose. You get it, right?

The only thing I'm getting is that
car and those tasteful paving stones,

which will encourage outdoor living
during the warm summer months.





- Come on, baby!
- Oh, no! This is bull crap.

I revved so much for the
crowd, I got no gas left.

Push it, baby! I love
you, but only if you win.

ADAM: Hey, you're cheating!
- We said to the barrel and back.


Ponytail losing power.

Jackie, we did it, baby. We won!

Yeah, congratulations on
getting from here to there

slightly quicker than Johnny
was able to push his car.

You mean, my car.

Pink slip's mine, Atkins.
I'm taking the Celica.

You can't take the Celica.

You can't take his Celica, Adam.

You can't take the Celica!

- Oh, I'm taking the Celica.
- But it's my mom's.

She needs it to get
to the dental office.

Hey, you were gonna take
my car and the paving stones.

I just said that for the
pageantry of the event.

Please, my brother
has tennis after school.

He ain't getting
there in my Celica.

You can't take the Celica.

Jackie, your boyfriend's got
a real nasty way about him.

This is not my boyfriend.

- At least not the one that I want.
- I think it's pretty clear what you want.

- And it's not us.
- Why?

You changed, and I'm
still the same old Adam.

I just loved what we had.

And now it's over.


BEVERLY: Hey, squish.

Now that I got my recipes
back, I thought maybe a little bit

of Mama's cheeseburger
pot pie might cheer you up.

- I'm not hungry.
- What?

I've literally never
heard you say that.

I realized me and Lainey want the
complete opposite kind of marriage.

She wants an equal partnership

while I want her to tend to
my needs the rest of our days.

No right or wrong here.

A good relationship
needs a lot of give and take.

Why can't it be
like you and Dad?

You know, where
you give and he takes.

I've heard enough, moron.

Not all marriages are the same.

Stop worrying about
what you wanna take

and start thinking about
what you wanna give.


So maybe Lainey has a point.

You're right.

I'm lucky I had someone like you
taking care of me my whole life.

I learned from the best,

which means now I
can take care of Lainey.

You want the box?

Cooking is how our
family shows love, right?

It's time I show Lainey
how much I love her.

Although, I could
use a few pointers.


ADAM: And that
night, they whisked,

they battered, they
rolled and seasoned...

until they had pork parm
Wellington fit for a boy king's queen.

♪ It's a nice day
to start again ♪


The last thing I want right
now is your mom's cooking.

Actually, I made it. For you.

You think cooking me one
dinner is gonna change anything?

It's not about this one, it's
about the next thousand. I just...


- God, this sounds so stupid.
- No, say it.

Every day you take care
of me just by being you...

and I realized,

now it's my job to
take care of you.

- How about we take care of each other?
- Deal.

♪ It's a nice day for
a white wedding ♪

Winner. Number one, a winner.

♪ Start again ♪

Dude, you suck at driving.

How'd you know I'd be here?

Because it's the Bazaar-nival.
I knew you wouldn't miss it.

It turns out the Bazaar-nival
is not that many parts fun.

It's completely
lame, and so am I.

I never said it was lame,

and I certainly never asked you
to cut your jeans into Daisy Dukes.

I know.

I just love that I actually
found someone out there

who was just like me.

Someone who could geek
out over a good Bazaar-nival.

Even though I changed
a bit over the summer,

it doesn't mean
we're not the same.

And nothing will ever change
the way I feel about you.

- Really?
- I will always love my allergenic,

nerd boyfriend.

♪ It's a nice day
to start again ♪♪

ADAM: Sure, change is scary.

Sometimes we're so
desperate to hold on to the past

that we lose sight
of who we really are.

But in the end, when
we open our hearts

to accept those we love
most for who they really are,

a little change can be a wild
ride that stays with you forever.


MAN: Can I come in?
- Whatever. No, that's not okay.

This is so teenager-y that I
don't want any recording of it.

MAN: I wouldn't do that to you.

Hi, I'm with the
real Jackie Geary,

Adam's high-school girlfriend,
and we have some questions for you.

- I'm ready.
- Now, were you into theater

and movies and all the
geeky stuff Adam is into,

or were you just
going along with it?

I was also a big geek. Yeah.

I was into different
geeky stuff sometimes,

like Star Trek being
better than Star Wars.

Turns out, Jackie likes Star
Trek more than Star Wars.

Adam remembers you
going from theater geek

to cool, fringy
New York City girl.

Who did I think I was?