The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 18 - The Goldbergs - full transcript

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The '80s marked the
rise of the cooking show.

There was Yan, The Galloping Gourmet,

the Cajun cook, and of
course, a Swedish Muppet.

But my mom's lifelong
hero was Julia Child.

I'm Julia Child.

Julia's show, The French Chef,

was the inspiration for our family's

deliciously cheesy "French phase."

BEVERLY: For Erica,
savory Quiche Lorraine.

For Murray, melty cheese fondue.

It's like nachos without the hassle.



And for my hungry bear,
potatoes au gratin, extra gratin.

This is gonna wreck me. Thanks, Mom.

Julia even inspired my mom to write

The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook.

She sent it to every publisher in town,

confident that she'd take
the cooking world by storm.

Or... Not.

Aw, honey, what's wrong?

Nothing.

I'm just tearing up 'cause
Julia's chopping an onion.

You do know that that
onion is on TV, right?

[VOICE BREAKING] Okay, fine! [SNIFFLES]

It's my cookbook.

I sent it out to some publishers,



and they said I was poop
and that my cooking was poop

and that my one and only dream is poop!

No one has just one dream, Bevy.

I'm sure you got plenty of others.

[SNIFFS] Well, like
Barry becomes a doctor,

Erica wins a Grammy,
Adam gets a rare disease

that prevents his snuggly little body

from developing into a full adult man.

Bev, none of those dreams are about you,

and one in particular is very troubling.

Damn it, I know! Erica's
never gonna win a Grammy!

Okay, I'm sure it's
not as bad as ya think.

Lemme see that letter.

Take your pick.

"Dear Ms. Goldberg, your
blending of fish and veal

"is both upsetting and
against God's plan."

[SOBBING]

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was March 13th, 1980-something,

and my brother had a new
concern about his future.

Listen up. I've got some
deeply upsetting news, JTP.

- JTP!
- No! Not the time.

Mr. Glascott just called

an emergency college meeting with me

by chasing me down the hall.

Oh, no. What's wrong?

Turns out, we all need
recommendation letters

from teachers to get into college.

And?

Wait, you all knew about
this and didn't tell me?

I tried to tell you, but you said...

- Stop speaking, Matt Bradley!
- Yeah, that exactly.

Seriously, you all have 'em?

Definitely to rub it in your
face, but Geoff got 12 reccos.

Twelve? That's almost a baker's dozen!

Gimme one.

I'll just open it and change
the name from Geoff to Big Tasty.

- No!
- What's the big deal?

Bar, those letters
were written about me.

And they need to be sent in sealed

so the admissions people
know they're legit.

So, you're saying I'm going to actually

have to ask a teacher to
write nice stuff about me?

Ha! You're not going to college.

College-what? Who said college?

Whoa, where'd he come from?

For a big man, he moves like a phantom.

Because college is the only
thing that matters to me...

That and the thermostat.

Okay, don't freak out
and call me a moron,

but I've apparently thus
far failed to "obtain"

a "recommendation letter"
from a "teacher" at "school."

Stop with the quotes.
My God, I raised a moron.

You have. "This is your fault."

Luckily, our school had

an insanely nice science teacher

who couldn't say no to anyone.

- Dr. Katman?
- Down here!

Oh, no!

You're lying on a bed of nails!

Physics is just so bitchin'! Am I right?

[LAUGHS] Wanna try?

Mmm. Well anyway, I
know this is last minute,

but apparently you gotta have a teacher

- write you a college rec...
- Aw, buddy!

I am so honored you
asked me. Truly, man!

- Really?
- Call me a proton!

That's how positive I am!

- Dude, I really owe you one!
- Stop.

Just like a neutron,
there's no charge. [LAUGHS]

And also please don't put any
of those jokes in my letter.

With that, Barry's problem was solved.

And after all my mom's
rejection letters,

she turned to her hero,
Julia Child, for answers.

Adam, I need your help.

This is a legitimate, real emergency.

Oh, my God, what?

I've thought of a super-easy,
fool proof way to sell my book.

I'm gonna do a cooking
show like Julia Child,

and you are gonna be my director
and my on-camera sidekick.

I didn't follow any of that,

but I'm pretty sure
it's not an emergency.

You know, at first, the rejection

letters were devastating,

but then I remembered that
Julia didn't become famous

'til she was 50 and had
her own cooking show!

Huh? That's where you come in.

Or go out as fast as I can

'cause what you just said is horrifying.

But this is so up your alley, Adam.

You're always running
around with a video camera.

Me? Nah, that's like the
opposite of what I do.

You got a camera in your hand right now.

Good eye! [CHUCKLES] Good eye.

Thing is, I was just about to

put this in the garage
'cause making childish movies

just doesn't appeal to me anymore.

Let's start filming, kiddo.

This karate tortoise outfit
is already making me schvitz.

Okay, fine! I still make awesome movies!

But I honestly don't know the first
thing about making a cooking show.

It's The Chadam
Cooking Hour: episode 140!

Okay, fine! I made six
years' worth of cooking shows!

Doesn't mean I can help you!

Adam, please. Be my cooking sidekick.

It's my dream.

Adam, I saw the rejection letters!

It was too much!

Just help the lady with her dream!

Even if I wanted to help,
I don't run a TV station.

I'm just a kid with a camera.

What about public access?

They'll let anyone on there.

I watch this one program where a lady

answers tax questions in a bikini.

Her information is definitely wrong,

- but I'm a loyal viewer.
- Perfect.

I'm gonna call public
access and verbally harass

the first person who picks up

and tell them that we
are coming down there!

We're gonna be TV stars!

While I was facing a
world of embarrassment,

Barry was ready to rub his
recco letter in Erica's face.

- Hey, my Caboodle!
- Erica's Caboodle!

Silence!

In my hand, I hold a glowing
recco from Dr. Katman.

- Oh, man, what a relief!
- Yeah.

Feels good to know I'm not gonna be

a full-time drain on society like your

miserable couch sloth of a girlfriend.

- Excuse me?
- You've worn sweats for six straight days.

- You get it.
- Well, I wouldn't be so cocky.

You don't even know what
that teacher wrote about you.

I'm sure it's great. Dr.
Katman's super nice and also,

he has, like, the most
hilarious science jokes.

They guy's nice, all right.
If anything, too nice.

The kind of nice you almost don't trust.

It's like, "What are you hiding, man?"

It is like he's hiding something.

Erica, stop.

Don't whip him into a frenzy

just because he commented on
your current life situation.

I'm not. I'm just
stating the simple fact

that one single letter
can ruin his life forever.

I gotta see what's in this letter!

Barry, stop. You can't look at that.

Wait, I got something.

What's "poosnicken" mean?

Is that good from an educator?

Doesn't sound good.

Ta.

[MUMBLING] Couch sloth my ass.

Dude, she's just messing with
you 'cause she's in a bad place.

Yeah, I know. You're right.

And yet, it's too late. I assumed.

And so, Barry broke the
sacred code of the recco letter

using a high-tech method he learned

from watching Murder, She Wrote.

Oh, crap! It worked!

"It is a great honor
and privilege to give

"Barry Goldberg my
highest recommendation."

Uh, Bar? The steam
is making the ink run!

Don't panic! We'll just
dry it off with the iron.

[SIZZLING]

Oh, no! The iron's intense
heat is burning the paper!

Don't panic. I'll just spray
it with water from this bottle.

Oh, no! The charred remnants are soaked,

and now the ink's running even more!

Don't panic! I'll just
hit it with the iron again!

[SIZZLING]

Let me try to piece it back together!

- Time to panic!
- Aah! Aah!

The charred remnants
are burning my hands!

While Barry destroyed his letter,

my mom was taking a page from
Julia Child for our first rehearsal.

And action.

Hi, I'm Adam.

[IMITATING JULIA CHILD]
Hello! I'm Beverly Goldberg.

Welcome to The Goldberg Gourmet.

Bon appetit!

And cut.

Okay, I got some performance notes.

- [NORMAL VOICE] Hit me.
- So, you're a human person.

So, you should talk like one.

And action.

- [IMITATING JULIA CHILD] Well, hello!
- Cut.

- Hello!
- Cut.

- Hello, I'm Beverly Goldberg...
- Cut!

Welcome to The Goldberg
Gourmet. Bon appetit.

And... Cut.

I think I know what's happening.

Seems whenever I say "action,"

your mom panics and becomes Julia Child.

[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, don't be
ridiculous! Here, I'll prove it.

- Say "action" and watch me cook.
- Action.

[IMITATING JULIA CHILD]
This lovely dish is made

with saltwater prawns, Parmesan cheese,

and butter because butter is better!

- I'm Julia Child!
- Cut.

[NORMAL VOICE] Okay, maybe I
am doing a little something.

And I'm doing a lot of quitting.

- Good luck with your project.
- Wait, why?

'Cause you're gonna embarrass
me on public television,

seen by dozens.

And it doesn't matter
to you that this might

- actually help sell my cookbook?
- No!

'Cause my mom making a
cookbook is also embarrassing,

and so are your aprons and weird

parm dishes and everything about you.

It's pure embarrassment,

and you have no idea what it feels like.

Oh-ho, and you think I'm
never embarrassed by you?

Um, no!

I think you made it pretty clear
you love everything that I do.

So, you don't think I'm embarrassed
when I have friends over,

and you do one of your creepy
shows with a ventriloquist dummy?

You bought us matching outfits!

And you don't think I was embarrassed

to watch a three-hour
one-man show

where you played an eclectic
cast of international characters?

[JAMAICAN ACCENT] You said my
Jamaican accent was spot-on, mon!

And you don't think I was embarrassed

to run down to your school
with an extra pair of pants

because of the thing I
promised never to speak about?

[GASPS]

[NORMAL VOICE] Promise broken!

Baby, you are ten thousand times

more embarrassing than I will ever be,

but it doesn't matter because
I love you more than anything!

Clearly, you don't feel the same way.

And cut!

Come on.

Even though Barry ruined his college
reco, he knew doc

will be more than
happy to write him a new one.

- Hey, Doc! Got a sec?
- Of course, Goldie!

A little time for my star student.

But first, let me wet the
ole whistle with some wine.

Oh, you say this is just water.

I didn't say anything.

[LAUGHS]

A toast to you!

Fun.

So, what's the important
news? I'm excited.

You should be. Remember
that letter you wrote me?

Of course. Your college
recommendation letter.

Yeah, that's the one.

Turns out, I read it against your wishes

and destroyed it with fire and water.

But you're gonna write me a new one

'cause you did say
I'm your star student.

It doesn't feel like that anymore, pal.

Wow, I'm like really mad right now.

I understand why you would be,

but I'm very confused by
your smile and cheery tone.

Well, let me clear it up.

I'm really pissed, and I'm not
gonna write [BLEEP] for you,

because what you did
was really [BLEEP] up.

But I still need a recco for college.

I'd ask another teacher,
pal. I wish you all the best.

Uh-oh.
Yeah, uh-oh!

You better go because I'm saying words

that I never thought
I would say to a child!

[BLEEP] [BLEEP]

Hey, man, you okay?

You've barely touched
your Fruit Roll-Up finger.

Eh. Last night, I got
into it with my mom,

and she kinda got in my head.

How?

Do you guys think I'm embarrassing?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, balls! You're all
avoiding eye contact!

Bro, I think it's pretty
well-known that you're... Unique.

- I'd say one of a kind.
- Your own man.

Those are just nice ways of
saying I'm super embarrassing!

What's up?

Adam's mom caved and finally

admitted the kid's an embarrassment.

- Oh, sure.
- What?

You're my girlfriend!
You're aware of this, too?

- It's endearing.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY] Aww...

Also... [ANGRILY] Aw!

How can my own mother protect and

praise me with a lifetime of lies?

So, you're saying she's a bad mom

for accepting the humiliation you

bring her with grace and kindness?

Yes! God, I suck!

For the first time ever, my
mom needed me to support her,

and I flat-out said no.

Well, there has to be some
way you can make it right.

It's obvious!

I'll just co-host a public
access cooking show with her!

Not sure how obvious that was.

My mom wants to be the
darling of the food world

who sells millions of cookbooks,

and I will not rest until it happens!

As I was off to help my
mom with her TV dreams,

Barry was on a mission for a new recco.

All right, before I do,

let's just take a look
at some of the work

you did this year in my class.

What is this?

That's my napkin holder.

And this?

That's a shoe holder,
for the holding of shoes.

What exactly is this?

Bird house.

And where exactly would a bird live?

On top of it. Or it could lie
down here or walk around over here.

Thank you for your time.

You were stage crew for two days

and dropped a chandelier on my head.

Thank you for your time.

In order to save you time and energy,

I've written the
recommendation letter myself.

If you could just sign it... "Barry

Goldberg can squat a baby elephant

"and bench 275 an
unlimited number of times."

Uh-huh. Just right
at the bottom there...

Tell you what, if you
can do one pull up,

I'll sign this letter and
walk it to the college myself.

[MUSIC PLAYED]

Thank you for your time.

Well, you can't just give up.

- You need a good recco to get into...
- Shh!

[WHISPERING] Don't say that
word 'cause Dad will hear.

Oh, man, I've sunk so low that
I've stopped my own brother

- from getting into... [MOUTHS] _

[NORMAL VOICE] No! I
destroyed the letter.

This whole _ [MOUTHS] mess is my fault.

I only convinced you that Doc wrote you

a bad [MOUTHS] recco
'cause I was jealous.

'Cause I'm going to [MOUTHS]?

Yes!

You're about to go on a
wild [MOUTHS] adventure.

I know I thought that
dropping out of [MOUTHS]

was the right move,
but I'm realizing that

I really needed [MOUTHS]
to grow up a bit.

Look, I know you're freaking
out about your future,

but if anyone's gonna be a rock star,

it's my rock star sister.

That means a lot.

I'm sorry I've been such a jerk.

It's cool.

Everyone stresses out
when it comes to college.

Who said college?
What happened? Tell me!

Okay! Fine! I messed up.

No, I did. I got in Barry's

head and made him open his recco.

- And then he ruined it.
- Wait, you know?

Yes! I found that charred,

damp letter right where you left it.

Gah! Why didn't Mom clean that up?

Because you're a dumbass,

which is why I went to Katman

and got you a brand-new recco.

How is this happening?

The man said no and cursed me
out in the nicest possible way!

Because this man doesn't take no for

an answer when it comes to college.

But listen to me.

Do not betray your weird,
happy teacher again.

As a matter of fact, just
steer clear of him forever.

My God, you're actually super effective

and good at Dad stuff when you care.

That's on you for not being interesting.

You gotta promise me
you're gonna go against

all your instincts and not be
a moron who opens this letter.

Can you do that? Can you not be a moron?

- Honestly, that's asking a lot.
- It really is, Dad.

As Barry took on the
challenge of a lifetime,

I was ready to give my
mom her lifelong dream.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, Lord in poop.

You know what? You were right.

This is not gonna help
me sell my cookbook.

All I'm gonna do is
make a fool of myself.

Mom! Look at me.

You're in my world now, the AV world.

This is where I shine.

So you just have to follow my lead,

and I'll make you look good.

Okay, I am so confused. You said...

I know what I said, and I was wrong.

You've always been there to support me

with your love and
kindness and new pants.

And now it's my turn to support you.

So take my hand and let's
go be on a TV station

that legally has to let anyone on.

Preheat that oven.

It's parmin' time.

Oh, yeah. Years of making my own

movies had led to this moment.

And rolling.

Hi, I'm Adam... Ooh, boy.

In that moment, I discovered

that when I go in front
of an actual TV camera,

I freeze up with crippling stage fright.

It's true, my body literally shuts down.

[MUMBLING] [MUTTERING] Okay...

Guess that's my cue.

Hi. Hello and welcome.

I'm Beverly Goldberg, and this

is my little sous-chef, Adam.

Adam, say hello to the viewers.

Adam.

Me. Now, the secret
to shredding mozzarella

is to put the block of
cheese in the freezer first.

Sous-chef Adam, the grater, please.

My hands are numb.

Over the teeth and through the gums,

look out, tummy, here it comes.

Hoooo!

Whoooo is excited about my shrimp parm?

Well, I sure as heck am.

Five stars, Mama. Oh...

You can find this parm
and many more parms like it

in The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook.

[QUIETLY] I'm passing out.

That's right. Coming soon
to book retailers near you.

- I'm passing out.
- What?

I'm passing out. [BREATHING HEAVILY]

Do you want to sit down or something?

I'm gone! I'm gone. I'm down.

I'm Beverly Goldberg,
thank you, and good night.

Mama's... Mama's here, schmoo!

With my dad's help,

Barry got a new college recco
from Doc, or so he thought.

Hey, Goldie.

Listen, I didn't sleep all
night after I unloaded on you.

Not my best me.

No, I deserved that surprising
barrage of potty language.

Look, I know how important
that letter is to you,

so I wrote you another one.

- You wrote a third letter?
- Third?

Buddy, this is the
second one right here.

No, this is the second letter.

You gave it to my dad yesterday.

He may have given it to you,
but I didn't give it to him.

Wait! That's why my dad
told me not to talk to you!

He didn't want us to figure this out.

Figure what out? What the
hell is in that envelope, pal?

God only knows!

We gotta open that letter.

But what about trust and all
that stuff you got mad about?

I've never been on
this side of it before!

It is really eating away at me, buddy!

Me too! But how do we open
this letter without ruining it?

With the answer to everything.

Science!

That day, my brother set off to
solve the mystery of a lifetime,

and that night,

I was reliving the
embarrassment of a lifetime.

I'm down.

Hey, pickle, maybe you should
just watch The A Team instead?

I just wanted to see if my on-camera

debut was as bad as I thought.

And it's worse. [SIGHS]

No. You were adorable.

You don't have to do that, Mom.

I just really wanted to help you.

[REO SPEEDWAGON'S KEEP
ON LOVING YOU PLAYS]

Listen, lovebug, you putting
yourself out there to support me,

it helped me more than
you could ever know.

Come on, I just ended up
embarrassing you again.

Adam, I love every
embarrassing thing about you.

It's what makes you the most special,

brilliant boy anyone could ever ask for.

Well, if this cookbook
thing doesn't pan out,

at least we learned you're
shockingly awesome on camera.

Forget TV.

That cookbook is my dream,
and knowing I have your support

lets me know that one day,

it'll happen.

Until then, I'll leave the
cooking shows to you and Chad.

♪ And though I know
all about those men

♪ Still I don't remember

And done. [SIGHS]

"To whom it may concern.
Barry is fearless

"and has a boundless passion
and enormous appetite for life.

"But what I admire most about my son

"is that no one has bigger

dreams and more potential."

Wow, your dad wrote this.

"I might be Barry's father, but he's

the one who teaches me every day."

"The only thing he can't do is

know how much I believe in him."

♪ And I'm gonna keep on loving you

Wow, I can't believe Dad wrote
such beautiful stuff about you.

Well, you know him.
Anything for college.

College? What about college? What now?

Actually, I was just about to send out

the recco I got from Doc,
which he gave me today.

So I won't be needing the one you wrote.

You weren't supposed to see that.

Well, I did.

♪ And I'm gonna keep on loving you

♪ 'Cause it's the only thing

Fine, you can keep the stupid letter.

Forever.

♪ I don't wanna sleep ♪

Yep, sometimes even the
people you're closest to

can be full of surprises.

Welcome to The Chadam Cooking Hour!

I'm master chef Chad Kremp!

And I'm sous-chef Adam!

Before we begin, it's important to

always stick matzoh to your face!

And make sure to butter up your
face so you can glue it right on.

Mmm, yes.

In the end, my mom kept
working on her cookbook,

but she realized she didn't have
to be Julia Child to be happy

'cause she already had
the recipe for success,

a loving family.

[LAUGHS] Cooking is fun!

_

- I love matzoh!
- I love matzoh!

- And I can eat matzoh!
- And I can eat matzoh!

[LAUGHS]

[VOCALIZING AS BLENDER]

- I got a knife.
- I got a knife.

- Can I do this?
- Can I do this?

- Can I do this?
- Can I do this?

- Can I do this?
- Can I do this?

- Can I do this?
- Can I do this?

- Can I do this?
- Can I do this?

- Now, our next
- Now, our next

- ingredient is Cool Whip.
- ingredient is Cool Whip.

- Make a beard.
- Make a beard.

- Put it on your glasses.
- Put it on your glasses.

Okay, just mailed in my
last recco and application.

Only a few months left,
and I'm outta this dump.

- School sucks.
- I'll cherish you all.

Our lives are finally beginning, JTP.

I can't wait to come back
for our 10-year reunion

and show everyone how
awesome we all are.

Oh, we'll show 'em when
I roll up with Erica,

and I'll be like, "'Sup!
This wasn't a fluke."

Well, I'll cruise in on my rocket boots

and my two wives named
Heather... Locklear and Thomas.

Oh, yeah? I'm gonna beam
here from planet Barry,

where I ride space elephants and
rule Rap City with an iron fist.

Wow, I can't wait for this reunion.

Reunions! JTP: Reunions!