The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 8 - The Goldbergs - full transcript

Murray teaches Adam to drive, while Erica needs help with her social life at school.

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ADULT ADAM: Back in the day, a lot
could be said about my crazy family.

The one thing that couldn't be
denied was that we were bad drivers.

But despite the highway
havoc that we wreaked,

and the fender benders that
followed us wherever we went,

no one was more psyched to get
behind the wheel than my brother, Barry.

When he turned 16, he couldn't wait to
hit the open road, and never look back.

It's jingling. It's keys!

ADULT ADAM: Until my mom put
the brakes on his automotive dreams.

What the hell is this?

It's a locket.

It's got my picture inside,



so, you can always have
your mother near your heart.

ADULT ADAM: And
so, when I turned 16,

my mom's gift to me
was hardly a surprise.

- It's jingling.
- Jingling means keys.

ADULT ADAM: It was the
sterling-silver Mom locket

that all the Goldberg boys got.

I put my picture in there,

so, you can always have
your mama near your heart.

Yes! He got the worst gift, too.

I love it. Thank you, Mama.

Wait. That's your reaction?

You get a garbage locket of Mom
instead of a car, and you appreciate it?

Yeah, I'm good with not getting a
car. Or driving in general. You get it.

No! I don't get it at all!



I've got no sense of direction,

I have bad depth perception
due to my lazy eye,

and I'm easily
startled by birds.

So, you're just not gonna drive?

Yeah, I'm not so much a driver,

as the guy who sits behind
the driver in the backseat.

- You mean a rich guy?
- Exactly.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I have play practice.

Father, go fetch
your driving pants,

which are just regular
pants you refuse to wear.

ADULT ADAM: Refusing to
drive baffled my whole family,

but no one more than Barry.

Back when he got his license, the
dude trademarked his own dance.

(SINGING) Yeah, that's right

Barry's driving Who's in charge?

I'm in charge That's right

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

Unreal. I raised a moron.

ADULT ADAM: But, lucky for me, I
got the perfect birthday present that year.

The gift of never driving.

Stop it. My scrumptious
little baby-man

does not have to learn to
drive until he's absolutely ready.

That's a no! Victory-dance time!

(SINGING) Mmm-mmm-mmm

Uh-uh-uh-uh, yeah

Yeah! That's
right I'm not driving

Hey! Stop copying
my driving dance!

I'm not. It's the
not-driving dance.

There's no such thing!

I'm raising complete morons.

It's getting hard to argue.

- It's like this.
- No, it's like this.

If you're gonna copy me,
at least do it the right way.

It's my own thing, dude.
Face it, this dance is mine.

(SINGING) I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
November 29, 1980-something...

The college fair was in full swing,
and my sister wanted no part of it.

Ugh. Look at all these
bozos and their lame clubs.

The whole point of going
to college is to be left alone.

I thought it was more,
like, to learn and grow,

and make lifelong friendships.

- I've got enough friends.
- Do you?

Hey, either of you interested
in Ultimate Frisbee?

Are you interested in
picking a sport with a ball?

Maybe you should join a club
for freshmen who hate everything.

Great. Where's that table?

Seriously, you're a total downer.
You, like, pooh-pooh everything.

I don't, like,
pooh-pooh everything.

Just offer me something
cool, and I'm there.

Looking for something cool, eh?

Lucky for you, your RA
Srini, has the answer, ladies.

Karaoke and togas? Pass.

I see. If you change your mind,
feel free to drop by and RSVP.

Here's my RSVP...
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Guess that's an
RSVP for just one, then.

Wait, you're going? Why?

'Cause it sounds fun, and,
unlike you, I, like, like fun.

I, like, like fun, too!

You should've seen me in high
school. I was, like, the funnest.

Ow!

Hey, isn't there some weird
field that you can play in?

Hi, Craig.

God! Barry?

Hey, I drank all your 5 Alive.

What are you doing here?

Hello? It's my college
tour! I told you like ten times!

I knew that, silly.

I just lost track of the days

with all the awesome
parties and whatnot.

There's so many parties.

Which are all totally real,
because I am killing it here.

Dude, this weekend is
gonna be the stuff of legend!

So, where's the first rager at?

ADULT ADAM: But Erica only knew
of one, that she already passed on.

Srini! Nice toga, my man!

I changed my mind
about your kareoga thing.

Did you, now?

See, my brother's here, and I kind of
told him that I'm the queen of college,

so, you can see why I now have a
sudden interest in your crappy party.

Just "party". Not "crappy".

That is the single worst RSVP
ever. And it's been declined.

What? You can't decline! You're
my RA. You have to include me.

Farewell.

So, that's a yes?

ADULT ADAM: As Erica was
realizing she'd driven everyone away,

my dad was trying
to get me to drive.

Hey! My BurgerTime!

Okay, moron.

Lose the disturbing "Mom"
necklace, take these keys.

I'm teaching you how to drive.

Ooh, I'd love to, but
the ol' ball n' chain

says I'll learn when I'm
ready, know what I'm sayin'?

I say you're ready right now.

But what about all
the horrible things

Mom says will happen
if I don't drive good?

What horrible things?

I could get a stop
sign through the heart!

Or a guard rail through the heart!
Or a mailbox through the heart!

Why are all these things
going through your heart?

That's not even possible.

Tell that to Mom's
friend Sheila's nephew.

He was driving at
dangerous speeds,

and he flipped his
car and got a mailbox...

Okay, you gotta stop listening

to these crazy things
your mom tells you.

So, rabid pigeons won't peck
my eyes out through the sunroof?

What is it with you
and birds, anyway?

They're just so cocky.

So what if they can
fly? I can do stuff, too.

Like driving?

I bet you, that would really
make the birdies jealous.

Yeah, right. Like birds
know what a car is.

Get in the car!

ADULT ADAM: With that, my dad
left me with no choice but to drive.

The only problem was, I'd
have to get in the car first.

I can't do it.

You can, and you will! Get in!

(CAR HONKS)

My son's a moron! Can't
you see? Go around!

He's a moron! Go around!

Mom said I don't have to drive!

- Well, I say you do. Get in!
- No!

- Get in!
- No!

- Get in! Get in!
- No! No!

- Get in! Get in!
- No! No!

- Get in! Get in!
- No! No!

- Get in! Get in! Get in!
- No! No! No!

See, what'd I tell ya?
Nothing bad's gonna happen.

(SCREAMING)

Just remember, I was
good with the locket.

ADULT ADAM: As I
drove for the last time,

Barry was gearing up
for his first college rager.

So? Are we ready
to rock, or what?

Um, turns out that
party is super lame,

but I'm gonna find us something
super college-y and great for us.

Say no more. I'll ask
around, and find the fun.

What? How are you gonna do that?

With this here bag of college!

- Bag of what?
- College!

In it, is everything you
need to kick ass here.

Jean shorts.

Tie-dye poncho.

Trick dog with leash. Rasta hat.

Fake $100 bill, attached
to a quarter mile of string.

Foam hand. Sacks to hacky.

Stunt kite. Oyster crackers.

Unicycle! A Snoopy
snow-cone machine!

Boomerang!

Pogo stick. Devil sticks.

Drum sticks. Chopsticks.

Beef sticks. Pickup
sticks. A stick I found.

Okay, stop. This bag
of crap will not help you.

Trust me, all you need to
do is put yourself out there

to show the other attractive
party-minded boys and girls

that you mean business.

Dude, that is not
how college works.

ADULT ADAM: That is, unless you
have sweet dreads and an invisible dog.

Check it out, mons and lady
mons. My dog be jammin'!

Hey, I already told
you, put this crap away,

before you embarrass
yourself or worse, me.

Look! His dog is invisible.

His name's Butterscotch.

He's part Beagle
and part not real.

I rescued him from a kill shelter,
although I feel like he rescued me.

ALL: Aw!

Okay, what is happening? Why
are you engaging with this idiot?

Ignore her. She's
not a dog person.

Clearly.

Yeah, I'm the crazy
one. There is no dog.

Ow!

I know that was intentional!

ADULT ADAM: As Erica was hit
by my brother's instant success,

my mom was about to be
struck by some bad news.

There's my handsome men. I just
snickered up a batch of doodles.

Should you tell
her, or should I?

Let me take this.

I was out teaching
him how to drive.

The (BLEEP) you say?

Good for you, kiddo!

No, no. It was not so good.

As a matter of fact, it was worse
than any of us could have imagined.

- I ruined the car!
- He ruined the car?

- Not great.
- Oh, my God.

Please tell me you
made him wear a seatbelt.

Technically, I
didn't get that far.

Doesn't matter. You
always wear a seatbelt.

- Why?
- Because of the road pirates.

What the hell are road pirates?

They're like sea pirates,
but instead of other ships,

they plunder mid-sized
sedans and hatchbacks.

That's right. Without a belt,

they'll just reach into the window
and yank you out of the car.

What are these words?

What are you teaching
him when I'm not around?

The good news is,
I've officially decided

I'm not ready to
drive this year.

Adam, you are my little cookie.

My scrumptious
oatmeal-nibble man.

If you're not ready for the
next three decades, so be it.

Your little cookie thanks you,
Mama. Here's a little crumb.

I could just eat you up.

It's easy, 'cause I'm
a soft-baked cookie.

Oh, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

Nom, nom, nom, nom!

Nom, nom, nom,
nom, nom, nom, nom!

Just go!

Nom, nom!

What the hell did
you do, Murray?

I finally agree with you.

That kid should never drive,

and he should stay
your little baby forever.

No! Adam needs to drive!

Then what's with
the cookie business?

And the road pirates?

I spent the last five years
scaring Adam with my stories,

so, he'd be a super
terrified, very cautious driver.

Now's the time
for you to swoop in,

and call him a moron
until he learns to drive.

Wait, that's your plan?

Worked perfectly for Erica and Barry.
I don't know what went wrong here.

I have a theory.

Your stories didn't
teach him to be cautious.

They just terrified a very
gullible, anxious child.

No one wants your objective
opinions based on facts, Dad.

We'll handle it, Al.

ADULT ADAM: With that, my
parents shut down my grandfather,

who went upstairs
and bribed me to drive.

Okey dokey, it's happening.
We'll see you in a few hours.

What? Where are you going?

To take the kid out
driving, just like we agreed.

Uh, no.

You had your driver's license
taken away, remember?

So? Doesn't mean
I can't still drive.

That's exactly what it means.
Wait, are you still driving?

Sure. How else do you
think I get here every day?

The bus. You told
us you took the bus.

Why would I do
that? I got a car.

Did you know about this?

Of course. We have crazy
adventures every week.

How do you think we get there?

Oh, my God, Dad! It's not
safe for you behind the wheel!

You crashed into
a drive-through!

What crash? It was a nudge.

We both know it wasn't a nudge.

I nudged it.

In fact, I don't even
think I touched it.

This is becoming a whole thing.

I'm gonna rain check,

but we can pick this
up again in a few years.

No! No rain checks!

Your hero Pops is gonna teach
you how to drive. End of story!

ADULT ADAM: Finally!
Things were looking up.

But we're coming, too.

ADULT ADAM: Nope!
They sucked again.

ADULT ADAM: It was Barry's first
day at college, and people were noticing.

Turns out being overly
confident and unembarrassable

got him mocked in high
school, but in college,

he quickly became
the life of the party.

It's been three hours.
Can we just go?

For sure. We got
a ton of stuff to do.

- Stuff? What Stuff?
- Delta Nu has a pig roast.

And I got invited
to a kareoga party.

Wait, isn't that in your dorm?

Uh, yeah, but no one's
going to that weird-ass party.

Yo! It's my boy Srini!

Question about your party...

No, no, no! No questions!

Wait, you know
this girl, Big Tasty?

She's my sister.

She sucks at first, but
you'll come to love her.

We're currently still
in the sucking phase.

Oh, my God! What
world am I living in?

Fine. Since you're
related to Big Tasty,

I'm willing to overlook your
extremely hurtful words,

and re-invite you to my soiree.

You hear that, Erica? He's
gonna ignore how terrible you are.

Forget it! You can just go.

If some stupid party
is more important

than your own flesh and
blood, then have a blast.

I will! Thanks!

Who wants snow cones?

Ow!

Okay, now, I know you're
clearly doing it on purpose!

ADULT ADAM: While Erica felt
burned, I was the one hoping not to crash.

You're doing great, kiddo.

Just keep going on Rydal Road.

No, Dad. Rydal Road
intersects the train tracks.

Wait, a train's coming?

- No!
- Maybe, maybe.

Look for the flashing red lights,
and the up-and-down-gate thingy.

Oy vey, Bev. There is no train.

Essie Karp's pool man thought
the same thing until, boom!

His truck was T-boned
by a commuter train.

Now, he holds the skimmer
with a homemade clamp.

Homemade clamp?

It's attached to his shoulder.

He opens and shuts it with
wires he keeps in his mouth.

No arm part? Just a
clamp and a shoulder?

Pulleys. It works very well.

Wouldn't he just
choose a different career

if he had a homemade clamp?

Skimming is his life,
Murray. It's what he knows.

It's what he knows!

Everything you're saying
right now is very distracting.

Wait, if the clamp gets
wet, doesn't it get rusty?

Of course, it gets rusty. He
works around water and metal.

That's why he wears
a bag over the clamp.

Aw, come on, there's gotta
be a better way to clean pools,

than a homemade
clamp with a bag over it.

He's a very determined man!

Please drop it already.

You know he cleans
gutters in the fall?

He just swaps in a
scooper for the clamp.

Scoop? What kind of scooper?

He scoops with a homemade ladle.

He scoops out all the gutters.

So, he's scooping gutters
with a homemade ladle?

- He scoops and skims!
- You expect me to believe that?

He scoops in the fall,
and skims in the summer!

(SINGING) So, come on

Take a bottle, shake it up

Break the bubble, break it up

ALL: Pour some sugar on me

Enough with the sugar and
the pouring! Turn it down!

Wow, you're, like, really
harshing on Def Leppard right now.

I can't believe you're actually
going to that dumb party.

Totally, and I'm, like, super
bummed you're not gonna be there.

Well, you don't have
to be sarcastic about it.

I'm, like, not. This
is just how I talk.

Okay, screw this!

There's no way I'll let my brother
be better at college than me.

It's time to show
'em how it's done.

(SINGING) I once was lost

ADULT ADAM: So, Erica
would prove she could kill it,

by literally murdering
all the fun out of the party.

Was blind, but now I see

(MAN COUGHING)

Okay!

Let's keep this party
going! Who's up next?

I was gonna sing The Go-Go's,

but I didn't realize this
party is religious-themed.

What? No.

That's just a beautiful song
that showcases my voice.

Oh. Job well done, then.

She's not being mean.
That's just how she talks.

No, this time, it was
totally meant to be mean.

Come on, Erica,
don't go! Come on.

What's the point?
I can't win here.

What am I supposed to do?

Use your stupid bag
of college? This is nuts.

Hey, mon, I'm Barry Goldberg.

I have a see-through dog,
and I ride a unicycle with a stick.

Or how about a Snoopy snow cone

while I strap on
breakdancing pants,

and wear this captain's
hat for some reason?

Okay, when you use them
all at once, you just look silly.

Don't you get it, dude?

No one likes me here. I
don't even like me here.

Then it's time you show them
the Erica we all knew back home.

How? High school was so easy.

I didn't even have
to try to make friends.

I get it. It's new,
and it's scary.

But I guarantee, if you
put yourself out there,

everyone will love the
real Erica Goldberg.

How do I introduce
everyone to the real me?

Hmm, I got a plan.

MURRAY: So, he's scooping.
BEVERLY: He scoops.

MURRAY: I'm sorry, what's
you're saying, science fiction!

You just made all this crap up.

- I didn't. I...
- Oh, yeah, you did.

I'm not that creative.

Yeah, scooping with a ladle,
I'd argue, is very creative.

Listen, listen. Listen to me.

Please drop it already!

It's doubters like you that
make him want to skim harder.

ADULT ADAM: Turns
out Pops was right.

My dad's nagging
pressure to make me drive,

coupled with my mom's
constant car-safety stories,

weren't exactly
prepping me for the road.

I was in full panic mode.

Stop talking about
clamps and pool men.

Here come the train
tracks. What do I do?

Just drive, moron.

He's right. I am a
moron. Grab the wheel.

No! Ignore your dad
and the pool-guy story.

I don't see flashing lights, or
gates lowering. What if it's broken?

Just punch it, kiddo.

Balls!

- You did it!
- He did it!

I did it! You were right, Pops.

This whole driving
thing isn't so...

Well, that was a little
more than a nudge.

ADULT ADAM: Pops was
an excellent driving teacher.

Unfortunately, I was
not a great student.

Surprising amount of
paperwork for a tiny, little nudge.

Dad, we T-boned a cop.

And you told him to stop
making a big deal out of it.

I think that cop had
something going on at home.

Okay, first things first.

Give me your keys,
Al. No more driving.

How is this on me? Adam
was behind the wheel.

You know how it works.
It's the circle of driving.

Somebody loses a license,
someone gets a license.

Or, Pops keeps
driving, 'cause I'm not.

See? The circle of
driving ends with me.

The circle of driving
does not end with you.

Or...

Pops keeps driving, 'cause I'm not.
See? The circle of driving ends with me.

You can't end the
circle of driving.

Oh, I just did! The
circle is complete!

Listen, Cookie Bite. I
know you're scared to drive.

But you shouldn't be.

Truth is, I might've
slightly exaggerated

the safety of the highways and
byways, just to make sure you were safe.

So, I won't stall out on train tracks
and end up cleaning pools with my face?

Not if you get regular oil
changes and fill up your car...

- Beverly.
- Sorry. Train tracks are fine.

- Murray, what about you?
- What about me?

Well, maybe you apologize for
always calling the kid a moron.

(GRUMBLES)

Yeah.

Oh. That's the nicest
sound you ever made at me.

Even morons can
drive. Especially you.

ERICA: Um, hey.

I thought we could
keep kareoga going.

Um, we're good, Whitney Houston.

Look, I just wanted
people to like me.

Then, when they didn't, I
acted judgey and showed off.

Maybe I can make up for it?

Okay.

Hey, everybody, I'm Erica.

I'm also Big Tasty's sister.

- ALL: Big Tasty!
- Mmm-hmm.

Anyway, I hear part of
kareoga is singing along,

so, join in if you want.

(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

(SINGING) Love is like a
bomb, baby, come on, get it on

Livin' like a lover
with a radar phone

Lookin' like a tramp,
like a video vamp

I'm a demolition woman,
will you be my man

- Hey, Pops? Got a second?
- Sure thing, kiddo.

Listen, I was thinking,
Maybe Mom and Dad are right.

Maybe it's time for you to
stop driving. For real this time.

Your parents put you up to this?

No. This time, it's
coming from me.

I know Mom drilled car
safety into my head and all,

but I think, in your case,
you really should listen.

Adam, I can't just stop driving.

I mean, how are we gonna
go on all our crazy adventures?

- Easy. I'll drive us.
- You?

If getting my license means I
get to keep hanging out with you,

then I'm all in.

You'd do that for me?

Then I guess these
are yours now.

- I'll work on that.
- Come here.

ADULT ADAM: And with that, the
circle of driving was finally complete.

ERICA: (SINGING) Shake it up

Break the bubble, break it up

ALL: Pour some sugar on me

In the name of love

Pour some sugar on me

Come on, fire me up

ADULT ADAM: There's nothing harder
in life than facing what scares you most.

Sometimes, you just need a little nudge
to get behind the wheel and hit the gas.

Drive safe, moron.

ADULT ADAM: And when
your family's along for the ride,

nothing you can't do,
nowhere you can't go.

ERICA: (SINGING) Listen

Red light, yellow
light, green-al-ight, go

Sweet dream,
saccharine, loosen up

ADULT ADAM: That magic night,
Erica finally found her place at college.

And I found that history
had a way of repeating itself.

I know you're bummed
about giving up driving,

so, I thought this place
would cheer you up.

You know me well, kiddo.

Oh, hell no!

We're going to the Spaghetti
Warehouse across the street.

Don't even look at this place.

ALL: (SINGING) Pour
some sugar on me

In the name of love

Pour some sugar on me

ADULT ADAM: In the end, all it takes
is finding the courage to crank it up,

hit the road, and
keep on driving.

(SINGING) I'm hot, sticky sweet

From my head to my feet, yeah

Take a bottle, shake it up

Break the bubble

Happy birthday! What
do you want for breakfast?

Privacy!

Oh, please.

Don't forget to
wash your bottom.

Happy birthday, Schmoo.

What do you want for breakfast?

How's about some
pancake dippers?

- Don't forget to wash your bottom.
- On it!