The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Goldbergs - full transcript

Erica tries to set Lainey's dad Bill up via video dating and Barry finally chooses a career...to be a gym coach, much to Murray's dismay.

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Long before online dating,

single people bared
their souls on videotape,

and this is what it
actually looked like.

Hi. I'm Maurice.

I'm an executive by day
and a wild man by night.

I'm not afraid to get
sand on my tuxedo

if you're not afraid
to let the wind

mess your hair up a little
bit when I take the top down.

And video dating had finally
hit the suburbs of Philly.

Excuse me, ladies.

How would you like to meet
the man of your dreams?



- Ew!
- You're really old.

Ouch.

But, no, I'm talking about the
romantic wave of the future,

video dating.

It's a real business.

Using our advanced
VHS technology

and a one-time fee of $399,

followed by lifetime
monthly fees of only $19.99,

anyone can now find love.

So, which of you lonely
hearts is looking for Mr. Right?

Well, I'm not, but...

I am not a sad-sack loser.

I choose to be alone,
and it's the best.

It is the best, isn't it?



Well, that's too bad
because for a limited time,

anyone that joins
the VD community

gets a free tote
bag for just $12.99.

I am not carrying around a
bag that says, "I heart VD."

My God.

Wait, I have the perfect
customer for you, my dad.

He's totally ready
to get back out there.

Hell, no!

Why would I ever do video
dating? I'm living the dream.

It's 2:00 in the afternoon,
and you're still in your robe.

So? A robe is just a
long jacket made of towel.

Lots of people wear these.

Not to other people's homes.

In this house, we keep it loose.

Dad, it's been four
years since Mom left.

Isn't it time you got
set up with someone?

Set up? Did somebody say
"set up"? Who am I setting up?

No, stop. We don't
need your help.

Bill's gonna do video dating.

Video dating?

Beep, boop, bop, zorp.

Beep, boop, bop.
I will find you love.

Sorry, but, uh, your way of
matchmaking is a thing of the past.

Please. I am
literally responsible

for setting up over 200 couples,

which means I'm
personally responsible

for over 62,000 babies.

Yeah, that's not real math.

Bill, would you
rather put your heart

in the hands of a
proven love champion

or risk everything with someone
whose romantic record is a little spotty?

Honestly, I'd
rather not do either.

Hey, my record is not spotty.

And I'm, like, the
best ever at love.

Yeah, not so much.

And when you think about it,
you've only had one boyfriend,

and that was two years ago.

Right, Dante. What a character.

His name wasn't Dante.

He had that small hand.

Who are you thinking of?
And I'm alone by choice.

Ha! Please.

You only liked Geoff after he
wanted nothing to do with you.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'll
show you friggin' jerkuses

how friggin' great
I am at friggin' love

when your dad's walking
down the friggin' aisle.

See, you don't even know that
men don't walk down the aisle!

Gah! Bill, get out
of your bath clothes!

- I'm finding you love again.
- Okay.

Oh, my bad!

I'll get... Ow! My back!

Don't worry, pal. I gotcha.

No, no, Bruce Lee style. Hyah!

Hyah! Hoo-hyah!

Beverly, I'm gonna
need a warm towel.

Oh, it's traveling!
It's moving south!

Good luck, Schmoops.

Get the small boy. Have
the small boy stand on me.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was September
28, 1980-something,

the day of the
career aptitude test.

Done! Now all I
got to do is sit back

and let this test
decide my entire future.

Got any predictions?

It'll either make me an NFL punter,
motorcycle detective, or land pirate.

Bookkeeper? I don't
want to be a librarian!

Bookkeeper's not a
librarian, you moron.

It's more like an accountant.

Why didn't I get an
awesome job like boat owner

or rap mogul or
neighborhood oracle?

- What the hell's an oracle?
- A guy who sees the future.

I can see your future.

You're mowing
lawns for the city.

Never! I will be a rich
neighborhood oracle,

and nothing you say can stop me.

- Ow!
- Couldn't predict that, could you?

As Barry was having
trouble seeing the future,

Erica was trying to
find Bill his future wife.

Trust me, Mr. Lewis, your
romantic future starts now.

And to my doubters, you
can go on down to Sears

and buy a vacuum
so you can suck it.

Yes, Bill, there's no
better place to find love

than next to Lady Foot Locker.

Put her there, Bill. John
Calabasas, love doctor.

No medical degree.

I'm legally required
to say that now.

Bill, I want to show
you something.

This is a videotape of one of
our biggest success stories,

and this could be you.

Why, hello, there.
The name's Big Al.

And like a fine wine, I just
keep getting better with age.

My God. That's why he's
been out every night this month.

So... Let's have some fun.

Boom! And that's
how love is made.

I don't know, Erica. Maybe
your mom's right about all this.

Your friend makes a good
point about me being right, Erica.

Yeah, normally, I
just go with the flow,

but I'm starting to
take sides here, too.

Everyone stop talking.
Trust me, Mr. Lewis.

I know love and
romance. It's my jam.

So let's just give it a shot.

And three, two, one, get some!

Hi. This is Bill Lewis of
Bill Lewis Flooring and Tile.

I'm looking for a nice, clean
lady to spend my days with.

It used to be my wife.

Oh, no.

Man, she was
pretty. Smelled nice.

Tight, little body from
all the Jane Fonda.

Son of a bitch, Billy
Boy! You had it all!

- No.
- Daddy?

One day she just
walked out on me.

All she left behind was
this single leg warmer.

I wear it on my arm
to keep her close.

- Not good.
- Hard to watch.

Dang it, I miss you
so much, pookie!

So, so much!

Also, you must be stacked.

I'm so, so sorry.

Okay, cut. Great.
I think we got it.

I don't think you did.

As Erica's matchmaking
was stalling out,

Barry's career planning
was just revving up.

Corporate leader?

I know, right? Evy told
me what bubbles to fill in,

and now I'm gonna be a CEO.

She says I'm a natural leader.

- Sit up straight.
- Yes, my love.

This is bull crap!

There's no practical
job that will ever meet

Barry's three criteria
for career awesomeness.

One, a position of
unchallenged authority.

You're stretching all
wrong, Matt Raymer.

I want you to drop
into a lunge right here.

That's the quad. Work the quad.

That is the engine
room of the body.

Two. No desk or formal pants.

This is where games
are won or lost.

There you go. What are
you looking at me for?

And three. It
requires athletic skill

and physical intimidation.

You call that a chest
pass, Luke Schmidt?

Run laps till you see God.

Shake a leg.

In that moment,

my brother finally knew
what his future would hold,

kickballs, tube socks,
and a shiny whistle.

Coach, I want to be
your athletic apprentice

so that one day I
can take your place

when you climb that
big rope into the sky.

Ah, I see. Goofing
on old Coach, huh?

Well, we'll see who's laughing
after you do 3,000 squat thrusts.

No, I'm serious.

I want to teach gym, sir.

My God. It's finally happening.

I'm gonna be a mentor.

- Are you crying?
- My eyes are just celebrating.

Here. Take this.

Training begins now!

Damn it, I broke it! Why do
I have such powerful lungs?

No, it's a training whistle.

You'll get the tiny, little
ball that makes it work

- when you're ready.
- When will that be?

Coach will know.

Now let the physical
education education begin.

First up, drink this
mix of celery and cod.

Glug hard, boy. Glug hard.

While Barry hit a home
run with his new career,

Erica was striking
out at matchmaking.

Swing and a miss.
Bill struck out.

Not one response to his video.

How is that possible?

Honestly, I've never seen
such a negative reaction,

and a lot of my clients are
just me in different costumes.

There has to be
someone for Bill.

This thing guarantees a match.

No, it says it
"Guarantees a match."

And that's not a real word,

so it's not a legally
binding contract.

Don't make me
leave empty-handed.

Please, I need to find someone.

Erica?

Oh, hi, guys. What you doing?

Geoff put some charm
jewelry on layaway.

What are you doing?

Are you video-dating?

What? No, no, no.

I'm only here to help set
up my best friend's dad.

I know when I say that out loud,

it doesn't sound great
or real, but it's both.

Well, best of luck
with whatever this is.

- Gross.
- Ah... Young love.

Look, I need to
find Bill someone.

It's how I'm gonna
prove that I'm good at this.

With the tape Bill
made? Not a chance.

Well, then I'll
make a better one.

And I've got just
the person to help.

Nerd, I need you to make an
awesome video for Lainey's dad.

Holy balls! My first
professional paid gig!

- I'm not paying you.
- Still a professional gig, though.

- It's really not.
- I see it now.

We open on a time portal

as Mr. Lewis' cold, naked
body spills to the Earth.

He rises from the smoke
like a Love Terminator.

Yeah, no nudity or time travel.

Just make Mr. Lewis look
cool, you know, macho.

We're making a picture!
An Adam F. Goldberg joint.

What's with the "F"?

There's another Adam
Goldberg at school.

He's super-sensitive.

I don't want to cause any
marketplace confusion.

Don't worry about it. No
one cares about either of you.

But I wasn't the
only one landing a gig

in my chosen profession.

That looks broke.
Let me fix that.

Hey, I was practicing
my tooting skills.

Coach said the
whistle is the foundation

from which the
gymnasium arts were built.

You're just gonna sit
here and let him do this.

It was nice and quiet.
He said it was for school.

It is!

I've finally decided
on a career path.

I'm gonna be a P.E. teacher.

Oh, my.

Dad, you're right. It's time
I find my place in society.

And what could impact society
more than me teaching youth

how to do light exercise
and parachute games?

I fully support you 100%.

Seriously? Dude!

I thought you were gonna stomp
on this dream like all the others.

- Nah, it's too good.
- It is.

In fact, I'm gonna go
grab some shut-eye.

It's 6:30.

I'm waking up at dawn.

Me and Coach are
going on a 12-mile jog,

then we're powering down
a classic English breakfast.

- Why?
- He likes to start each morning

with 5,000 to 6,000 calories,

bangers and mash,
kippers, kidneys,

boiled and fried potatoes,
black and white pudding,

three kinds of meats.
His mom's British.

Seems like a lot.

Eh... She's a
handful, but I like her.

Anyway, off to bed.

I don't understand, Mur.

Are you actually okay with
your son being a gym coach?

Just like everything else,

the kid will move on to
the next stupid dream of his.

And what if he doesn't?

Believe me, he ain't getting up

at 5:00 in the morning to
move his body. We're golden.

Dig deep. Imagine a
jaguar's chasing you.

Let's go.

I'm miserable, but
happier than I've ever been.

Oh.

It was the day of the big
premiere of a dating video.

But, hey, it was
still a premiere.

Before I begin, I have
a few words to say.

Webster's Dictionary
defines "masterpiece" as...

Press "play."

Okay, without further ado,

I present to you Bill Lewis, as
requested, a real macho man.

Macho, macho man

Macho man, yeah

I've got to be a macho man

I've got to be a macho
Macho, macho man

Hi. I'm Bill Lewis.

I like to dance, get
sweaty, and have some fun.

I'm shipshape
and ready for love.

Hey, let's build a relationship.

You have the
right to fall in love

with Bill Lewis of Bill
Lewis Tile and Flooring.

Hey, what are you doing?

Destroying this
and starting over.

But I gave you exactly
what you asked for, macho.

Your dad was a shirtless cowboy,
a sweaty cop, a leather-clad biker.

Oh, I see it now.

Erica, it's time to
hand me the reins.

This is a job for the Yentadex.

What the hell is that?

Every yenta has a Rolodex

filled with perfect matches
for everyone they know.

So buckle up, Bill.

You're about to go
on the ride of your life.

No, there will be no
buckling. I'm handling this.

Okay, I appreciate
everyone's help,

but I'm shutting
this down. I'm just...

I'm not over my wife.

We all get one true
love, and she was mine.

There is no way you only
get one soul mate in life

because he's in love
with someone else,

and then I'm gonna
be alone forever,

and I'm not gonna let
that happen to you, Bill!

Wow! She's a
passionate young lady.

Got most of her facts wrong,

but her heart's
in the right place.

Hey, guys, I really
need your help.

Each of you grab a leg and push.

I ate nine bananas, but I'm still
cramping up something nasty.

Damn it, you ate all my bananas?

I'm in real athletic pain!

Sit, Al.

Nobody is touching those
legs in those tiny shorts.

These are official
coaching bottoms.

Sure, they cinch up
the bathing-suit area,

but Coach says
I'll eventually reach

a healthy level of
crotchular numbness.

For the love of
God, take 'em off!

You'll never have kids.

Gym teachers don't have kids.

Their kids are the
students they teach.

All right, enough
with this gym crap.

Sit down. Clash
of the Titans is on.

They've got oracles.
You love oracles.

Ah... Seers and wizards don't
fit into my new, healthy lifestyle.

I'm gonna go blend
up a power shake.

So much fiber. The body
really is an amazing organ.

One point, two
points, three points.

Four points, Barry.

What imaginary
game is he playing?

There's no way to know.

I mean, of all his
farkakte dreams,

this is the one he's going with.

This is a nightmare.

Do something!

I will!

Thanks for sitting
down with me, Rick.

Anything for my
protégé's old man.

In a way, it's like
we're married.

Yeah, that's gonna
make this easier.

Uh, thing is, Barry's not
gonna be a gym teacher.

What's that now?

I think that Woody
Allen said it best.

"Those that can't do, teach.

"And those that can't
teach, teach gym."

How dare you.

You call that a Woody
Allen impression?

This is a Woody
Allen impression.

That's exactly what I'm doing.

You got to stammer like this.

Use your hands more.

Forget Woody! Here's the deal...

No more physical
education education!

Seems to me you're implying

that being a gym
coach isn't good enough.

No, I think what
you do is amazing.

Just not for my son.

You've seen your
life. You get it.

Well, he may be your
son, but he's my gym son.

- That's not a thing.
- Oh, it is.

There's no such thing.

There's no greater
bond in the world

than between a coach
and his boy protégé.

I think except for the bond

between a dad
and his actual boy.

Well, may the best father win.

Well, that's me. I'm his father.

And I'm his coach-father.

We're done here.

And so began the
war over Barry's future.

Meanwhile, my sister was
so shaken by Bill's words

that she turned her
matchmaking skills on herself.

Hi. I'm Erica. I'm not
desperate or anything.

I just want to make sure that
I don't miss my one chance

to have a happy life with Geoff.

Can I start over?

Webster defines
"love" as... Nope.

Geoff, Geoff, Geoff,
Geoff, Geoff. Okay.

I think I got it
out of my system,

so let's Geoff this
one more time.

I mean, look at
this photo of Evy.

Are you freaking kidding me?

He's gonna be an eye doctor

because he's gonna
follow in his dad's footsteps.

It's a safe career, but we
would have had a beautiful home.

I'm sorry. I
shouldn't be crying.

This is bad.

I don't know who
this Geoff guy is,

but I think he may
have dodged a bullet.

All right, ladies
and actual ladies,

it's time to pick captains
for today's game,

which would be...

It's your class,
Coach. Your call.

Not today.

I want you to take
this little cork ball

and jam it into your whistle,

Coach.

Physical education
education just got real.

- You mean I'm ready?
- Damn right you're ready.

This is your class now.

Today their fate
is in your hands.

- Name your game.
- Anything?

Even crab soccer?

You can crab any
sport you like, son.

He who holds the
whistle makes the laws.

You heard Coach Tasty.

Crab formation now!

That day, Barry
invented crab hockey.

As a gym coach,
he was a natural.

Show me some hustle!

Second place is the
first place of losers.

"Winning" spelled
backwards is "gninniw."

It's never okay to
put butter on a donut!

Champions are losers
who forgot to give up!

Sweat is the body's tears
crying away the weakness!

It doesn't fit!

This game doesn't
make any sense!

Some things aren't
meant to be crabbed!

Then run laps, Atkins! Now!

How'd it feel, son?

I'll never forget this moment,
Coach, as long as I live.

Hey, Bar, look what I got
for you at Spencer's Gifts.

Is that a crystal ball?

Just like the real
professional oracles use.

That's what you want to be
when you grow up, isn't it?

It is! See you around, Coach.

- What just happened?
- Well, Coach...

I'll put it in terms you
can understand. You lost.

But I gave him a whistle ball.

And I gave him a better ball.

Don't sweat it. You'll
find another gym son.

No, for once, someone
really looked up to me...

What I do, who I am.

And you took it away
with a trip to the toy store.

I hope you feel
good about yourself.

It hurts when you
put your tongue to it.

Convinced she was
facing a loveless life alone,

my sister was desperate
to find out her future.

Very desperate.

Hey, um, gonna be honest here.

I'm struggling real bad,

and I heard that Dad
bought you a crystal ball.

I've been expecting
you, my lost child.

To be clear, I know this
is ridiculous and not real.

I just need to hear
something encouraging.

I've been expecting
you, my lost child.

Stop talking like that and tell
me I'll have a boyfriend one day.

I've been expecting
you, my lost child.

- I hate you.
- Then take my hand,

and let's journey into
tomorrow and beyond.

Come on, Mur.

Are you sure this is
better than gym coach?

From way downtown! Bang!

I got a hole in my heart.

Hey.

Is everything okay in here?

What do you care, dream crusher?

About the other
day... I feel bad.

I shouldn't have said that
what you do isn't good enough.

What do you feel bad for?

Just telling the truth.

Look, if Barry wants to
have a career like yours,

I won't stand in the way.

What about his new
life as a boy-witch?

That's not gonna last.

Hey, you were the only one

who made him take
his future seriously.

Yeah, well, I guess that's what
a halfway decent coach does.

More than a coach. Gym dad.

Damn you, Goldbergs.

You always know how to
hit me in my biggest muscle...

My heart.

Although my...

My biceps are nuts, huh?

It wasn't up to my dad
to decide Barry's future.

But Erica was hoping
my mom knew hers.

Wow!

You swore you'd never
look in my Yentadex.

You were right.

I'm, like, really bad at love.

Trust me. You're not.

I just wish I didn't
blow it with Geoff.

It really hurts, you know?

It just...

It hurts.

I know, Schmoops.

But you'll find the right
guy when the timing is right.

I just know it.

That day, my sister realized
there were no easy answers

when it comes to who
you're supposed to be with.

Even though my
mom knew otherwise.

Truth is, when you're a kid,
the future is always uncertain.

That's game. Hit the showers.

There's no crystal ball that
can give you the answer.

Hey, Coach. I, uh...

I thought you might
want this back.

No, keep it.

Maybe you need a hand
putting away those hockey sticks?

Ah, you run along. I got this.

But with the right people in
your corner supporting you,

you'll always come
out a winner in the end.

- Mr. Lewis?
- Hello!

The sun's out. Where's your day
robe and your overall bummer vibe?

Well, I guess all this
dating talk got me thinking

maybe I am ready to
give love another shot.

Well, unfortunately, Mom's not
here, and she hides her Yentadex.

But perhaps I can
help. Come, my child.

I see a beautiful,
bubbly blonde.

She loves shorts and the beach.

Oh, yeah, I like
where this is going.

And she has a friend.

- There's two girls?
- Yes, three is company.

Hot damn. When
do I get to meet 'em?

All you got to do is
knock on their door.

- I do?
- They've been waiting for you.

It's Three's Company,
Bill. It's a popular TV show.

He forgets what he watches,
and he thinks it's the future.

All right! Forget that!

Let me clear my
mind and start over.

I see you and a woman.

One of you is the boss.
But who is the boss?

I actually saw that coming.