The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Goldbergs - full transcript

Barry is excited when a modelling representative approaches him, but Erica thinks it's a scam.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Cindy Crawford,

Kathy Ireland, Claudia Schiffer.

The '80s gave birth
to the supermodel.

They had everything... The hair,
the bodies, the cheekbones.

a supermodel had to be perfect,

but my brother was about
to prove that wrong.

Gentlemen, it appears
my holiday shopping is done.


Dude! Butt mug.

Now you can drink hot cocoa
out of a butt

'cause it's a mug with a butt.

Better get moving 'cause
they only got a couple left.

Oh, my mom is going to love that.

Sweet butt mug, bro.

- Sure is.
- Have we met before?

Perhaps at the Gucci show
in Milan, Italy?

Mmm, no.

Oh, sorry. Where do you model?

- Where do I what?
- Model.

I mean, clearly someone
with your symmetrical face,

perfect bone structure,
and jazzy hair

is already working
the circuit, right?

You know, that hadn't
occurred to me yet,

but it makes total sense.

Then today's my lucky day.

I'm John Calabasas.
I'm a talent scout.

Do you have representation?

Whoa. Hold up. Are you for real?

I'm just a dude at a mall.

Iman was discovered at a stop'n go,

Kathy Ireland at a sizzler,

Cindy Crawford in a corn maze.

Supermodels get discovered everywhere.

Supermodel?! Me?!

You remind me of Claudia Schiffer

before she worked with me.

Claudia Schiffer worked with you?!

People like me, yes.
And you can, too.

Yeah, this really happened
all the time back in the '80s.


Scam artists would target
naive dreamers

and promise them super stardom
for a low fee.

You are blowing me away.

And my brother was as
naive as they came.

Big news, everyone!

I've been personally selected
to be a world-famous model.

Well, I think you're limiting
yourself at world-famous,

but continue.

I was approached by
a modeling scout in the mall.

He had a brochure
and an official business card.

"John Calabasas,
professional model finder."

Good. He's legit.

All I have to do is give him $100,

take some classes, and soon,
I'll be making

upwards of $10,000 a day
being a supermodel.

You're a super moron.

Mom's never gonna throw away $100.

I made it out to cash.

When did you even write that?

Oh, my God.
I've been saying it for years

and now it's finally been confirmed.

My little monkey

is the most handsome boy
on the planet.


Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hands off the money-maker.

Now, if you excuse me,
I need to get some beauty rest.

Wake me in 14 hours.


Why don't you put some cucumbers
on your eyes like the models do?

Ahh, oh, yeah.

I feel it burning already.

- Burning?
- Aah!

- It burns so much!
- Oh, no.

I already dressed the salad.

It's lemon pepper vinaigrette.

Ah, ah, my eyes,
my beautiful deep brown eyes!

- Help me!
- Come on. Be brave.

- Ohh.
- Be brave.

The Goldbergs - 02x09
The Most Handsome Boy on the Planet

It was December 28, 1980-something,
and I was gearing up to get my "E.T." on.

Back then, people loved it so much,

it stayed in theaters for over a year,

and no one loved it more than me.

Man, I'm so psyched
that we're seeing "E.T." again.

It's the 10th time,
but it feels like the 3rd.

Yeah, I hear 10 is when you really start

to appreciate the nuances.

Murray: Wait a second.

You've seen this movie that many times?

Why are you dragging me here

with all the damn holiday crowds?

It's about a puppet.

A puppet?

Is Fozzie Bear just a puppet?

Is Alf just a puppet?

Is Yoda...

Yes. Those are all puppets.




That night,
we had something even more rare

than an alien sighting...
My dad's dad, pop-pop.

He was a man of few words.

So, uh, how's things
and whatever you're doing?


Yep, my dad got it from somewhere.

- You?
- Eh.

Like any grandpa,
he knew everything about me.


That was actually a pretty good
interaction with pop-pop.

He had said over three words

and none of them were obscenities.

I'll be right here.

But that night,

I couldn't stop thinking about pop-pop.

He lived in town and it was strange

how we barely ever saw him.

I never stopped to think
if it bothered my dad

until this happened.

What the hell was that?


Is that horrible sound
coming from your dad?

I'd always wanted to know

what it'd be like to see my dad cry,

but then I did
and I instantly regretted it.

Sounds like a goat being strangled.

Just look at the screen
and lose yourself in the movie.

I can't!

What are you wearing?

It's called high fashion, Erica.

Check it.

I can casually flip
my jacket over my shoulder.

Dude, you're not a model.

Just for saying that, you're not invited

to my oceanside condo in Kokomo

where I'll windsurf with the beach boys.

God, you're an idiot.

All righty. [Chuckles]

Just finished ironing more
outfits for your head shots.

- This stuff if fabulous.
- Mm.

Model walk, model walk, model walk,

model walk, model walk, model walk.

Mom, don't give him money. It's a scam.

These creeps troll the malls

looking for the vain, weak, and sad.

Hey, Barry was born to model.

Okay, maybe not born
because of his skull shape.

But when that helmet came off,
it was like looking

at a baby boy version of Cheryl Tiegs.

He's gonna be crushed
when he finds out the truth.

- And that's on you.
- Fine.

If it'll make you feel better,

I'll go down there
and make sure it's all legit.

I know you think I've always got
my mom goggles on,

but I'm not as blind as you think.

Look at that snuggle bug.
He's gorgeous!


Are you sure
you've never done this before?

Mark my words, you're gonna be
so rich and famous,

you're gonna be able to hurt
people without consequences.


Oh, he's got a hair out of place.

You mind if I just poof him a little?

Please. Poof away.

Whoa, what is happening right now?!

What? Did I mess him up?


Do you mind if I take a couple
of the two of you together?

- Absolutely not!
- We'd love that.

Oh, wow.

You see, I get a ton of calls
for mother/son teams,

but it's always actors playing a part.

I've never seen a mother
love her child so much.

That's because no mother
ever has loved her child so much.

I've never done this before.

But for another 100 bucks,

I can make you a model, too, mom.

No way!

Done. I made it out to cash.

When did you even write that?

And so, they got to work.

And it was something, all right.

No. Don't do that.

Stop. Get off of me!

- Stop!
- Come on.


I don't want to be a model anymore.

While my mom
was living her wildest dreams,

I was still processing the
nightmare of seeing my dad cry.

No way. That's impossible.

Dad doesn't cry ever.

I know what I saw...

Human tears coming out of his face.


What's going on?

Why's everyone staring at me?

What's with all the staring?

You cried!

When E.T. phoned home,

he left and you cried and I saw it.

I did not!

I didn't even like the stupid movie.

Dumb little alien.

All he wanted to do was get home.

Then it turns all white
and crusty like an old dog turd.

He loved that boy.

But still, he had to leave.

I don't want to talk about
the damn movie anymore.

You're welling up. It's happening.

Nothing's happening!

Come back!

I want to see what it looks like!

Cry for me!

Cry for me!

After 25 years,
the man cries at a puppet...

Makes no sense.

Unless it's not the puppet

but what the puppet represents.

We all know that "E.T." is about
an absent father, right?

No. What movie were you watching?

All I saw was a magic frogman

build a telephone out of a speak & spell.

It was a cry for help.

Dad misses pop-pop,

and it's up to me
to bring them back together.

Not happening.

After your Nana left,
pop-pop lived his life

filled with bitterness and anger,

most of which was directed at your dad.

And the resentment that runs
between them is bone-deep.

Man. That's a lot of anger.

And only a crazy, renegade
han solo-kind of guy

would try and fix it.


Wait. W-what are you saying?

So, I did what han solo
would do in this situation...

Lure his grandfather over
with a free bowl of potato salad.

I got a plan and I need your help.

No, no plan.

That is not a nice man.

Watch this.

Long time no see, Ben.

Looking good.

So, you think you're better than me, huh?


Hey, pop-pop, since you're here,

I was wondering if maybe you could help
me with a history project for school.

You know what I did in school?

- Quit so I could work.
- What's he doing here?

Getting interviewed for a school
project about our family.

Wait a minute.

This just occurred to me
right now in this moment.

You should do the interview together.

Tell you what, Adam.

Just interview us old-timers
and Murray can film it.

So, what do you say, fellas?

We'll take that as a yes.

So, with a little help from pops,

my plan was in motion.

Now all I had to do

was get my closed-off
grandpa to open up.

Okay, so I'm just gonna ask
a few questions,

so speak from the heart.

- Dad, we rolling?
- No idea.

Great. So, let's start off
with an easy one.

What's your favorite thing in life?

One word... family.

When I was 6 years old,
I worked in a button factory.

There was a terrible fire,

but I got two days off...
Two glorious days.


So, what do you say we shift gears

and talk about family specifically.

What's your best memory with your kids?

The day Bev was born.


I got hit by a car when I was 29.

It was a terrible accident.

But I got some money in the settlement,

and decided to invest it
in a new company called 7UP.

Well, until my genius son
talked me out of it.

He hated clear soda.

And I missed out on the biggest
opportunity of my life!

That's your best memory?

I thought you said worst.

If we're doing awful memories,

I got a few hundred of them.

Okay, maybe we should take five.

How about when you left for a
year to go sell frozen beef...

So, apparently, getting my
dad and pop-pop...

to open up about the past
wasn't the best han solo move.

I had to come up with
a plan "B" and fast.

Hey, pop-pop, do you want
to see "E.T." with me?

- No.
- I have a coupon for free popcorn.

- What size?
- Medium?

I have changed my mind and will go.

So, maybe I couldn't melt
pop-pop's heart...

...But I knew
a little puppet who could.

You're unreal!

Being a supermodel is my dream.

I'm not sharing the cover
of Vogue with my mom.

I've worked too hard to get here.

Let me just take one class with you

and see where it takes us.

Sound like a plan?


My plan is to retire this face at 38

'cause I'm realistic
and I know my looks won't last.

So, I start a super-popular
teen fashion line

called "Barry Comfortable"
and then... boom...

I retire to a beach mansion
in Kokomo without you.

You think you'll survive
in Kokomo without your mother?


Kokomo will chew you up
and spit you out.

Find your own island paradise!

Model walk, model walk,
model walk, model walk.

Good stuff.

It's just the normal fireworks
of a creative partnership.

We really are the Lennon and McCartney

of mother/son supermodeling teams.


Calabasas really exploited
your greatest weakness...

Your love for us.


You know nothing about that man.

Actually... I do.

I'm gonna show you something,

and you have to promise
never to tell a single soul.

Of course.
I'm great at keeping secrets.

What? I'm okay at it.

I am the worst. You shouldn't tell me.

- I should go.
- No.

You're going to sit there and listen.

A few years ago,

John Calabasas saw me in the mall

and said I could be a supermodel.

Pops gave me the money to take his class.

Why didn't you tell me?

'Cause of what's in here.

There's your proof.

Look at these tragic, awkward pictures

and tell me it's not a scam.

What? Yea... no, you're adorable.

Take off the mom goggles and really look.

It's a scam.

While my mom was feeling duped,

I was attempting to get pop-pop
to feel anything.


And I was right there,
ready to wipe his tears.

Need a tissue?


Or plug his ears.

I was all out of options.

Tell me when it's over.

My pop-pop was unfixable.

I don't get it.

How do you not feel bad for E.T.?

I felt sorry for those poor feds

because they couldn't examine him properly

'cause that stupid kid
was always getting in the way.


That Elliott ought to be locked up.

You see something, you report it.

Who watches "E.T."
and sides with the FBI agents?

- Who does that?!
- An American.

That martian had a magic finger.

We don't know if he can weaponize that.

It's not a weapon.

That finger's for healing purposes only.

But we don't know till we
cut him up and see how he ticks.

Oh, my God! What's wrong with you?!


You're the deluded one, Barry.

I blame your dad.

This is what happens
when you go soft on your kids.

They end up honest-to-God morons.


My name is Adam.

See you around, pop-pop.

While the reality of who
pop-pop was finally sunk in,

Barry was about to face
a reality of his own.

Okay, here comes Barry.

Now's the time to tell him

that he's way too unappealing
to be a model.

No sweat. I got this.

Hide your daughters!

There's the most handsome boy
on the planet!

- Mom.
- Fine.

Honey, uh, I'm afraid
I've got some really bad news.

Yeah, me too.

I just learned that something we're
really stoked about's a total sham.

- There is no Kokomo.
- What?

I just made some calls to
the airlines to price tickets.

Turns out the beach boys made it up.

Honey, there's something else I
need to talk to you about. I know.

I feel bad about our fight,
and I'm sorry.

I think I got upset
'cause no one ever told me

I was handsome before.


Every day, I tell you

you're the most handsome boy in the world.

But here's the thing...

Your words mean nothing to me.

But when a stranger said it,

then I realized it was true.

And nothing can change that,

even you being a model, too.

So, let's do it.

Let's supermodel together.


There may not be an actual Kokomo,

but we're gonna make enough
supermodel money to build one.

Well, I give up.

Model walk.

Model walk, model walk,

model walk, model walk, model walk.

Way to let him down easy, mom.

Don't you worry.

If my delicious boy wants to be a model,

mama's gonna make him one.

You're okay, right?

No. Ahh.

But you're getting over it?


Where's your mom?

She's usually, uh, good with this stuff.


You probably just want to be alone.


Beverly, where are you?!


Um, what's going on?

I'm getting rid of all my "E.T." stuff.

Pop-pop ruined it for me.

- What'd he say?
- He called me a moron.

He can't do that!

Where you going?

Put on your coat.

We're gonna have a little talk
with your grandfather.

Yep, my dad had a very strict rule.

Only he was allowed to
call me moron.

What's with all the knocking?

For God's sakes, put some pants on.

It makes people uncomfortable.

Said my dad.

What is it you want from me?

I want you to apologize to my son.

For what?

For calling him a moron!


I'm sorry you're a moron.


You don't want to say you're sorry.

I will.

I'm sorry you worked
in a button factory.

I'm sorry you didn't invest in 7UP.

And I'm sorry that mom left
when we were young,

leaving you stuck
with two kids you didn't want!

But you know what I'm
most sorry about?

I'm sorry that you're
such a miserable man

that you're gonna miss out
on your grandkids' lives

the same way you missed out on mine.

Happy New Year, dad.

All I'd wanted was to bring
everyone closer together,

but what I really did
was drive them further apart.

Yes, people. Own it.

Spines straight now.
Keep those spines straight.

Does anybody know a four-letter word

for a Mongolian tent made of skins?

It's a scam.

You're not models. None of us are.

Shh! Please lower your voice, okay?

And if you're here to
get your money back,

that tiny sign over there
semi-clearly says, "no refunds."

I don't want a refund.

I want my beautiful boy to be a model.

Look, Mrs. Goldberg,

I may have painted a bit
of a rosy picture.

I can't just get your son a job

because it's, like,
really hard to be a model.

Did you hear that?

- He said it's really hard to be a model.
- Shh!

Please, I need you to
stay focused, okay?

There's gonna be a lot of distractions

just like this on the catwalks of Paris.

Why don't you just beat it?

Okay, I'll leave.

But Barry had better get a gig.

And if that doesn't happen,

I'll call the better business bureau,

the chamber of commerce,
and the 6:00 news.

I might even call your mother.
How would you like that?

Please do not call my mom.

We have a very complicated relationship.

Then you best get to work.


I wasn't sure if my dad
was mad at pop-pop or me,

but I thought my best move

was to forget the whole
thing happened.

So... do you have any
New Year's resolutions?

I'm thinking about cutting back
on fruit roll-ups.

I'm sorry you had to see me
blow up like that.

No, I'm sorry.

Pops was right.
I shouldn't have mixed in.

Well, then, why did you?

I don't know.



I don't want there to be a world

where we live a mile away
and never speak.

Look at me.

That will never be us.



I'll always be right here.

Sure, our family wasn't perfect,

but nothing's ever unfixable.

Guess who just booked
his first modeling gig.

You can suck it.


I am very proud and not
at all surprised.

I never really believed
this could have happened.

But you always did.

And I always will.

Oh, boopie.

Nice work, handsome.

Model walk, model walk.

Model, walk, model walk,
model walk, model walk.

Barry may not have been
an actual supermodel.

And we may not have always been
what you'd call a model family...

Given all the yelling and fighting

that went on all the time.

Do you have to do that?

You're gonna start the
New Year off acting like an idiot.

But in our house, it wasn't
about being perfect.

It was about being together.


Everything okay?

I pickled some beets.

It's your mom's recipe.

You want to join us?

No, it's, uh, family time.

You're family.

Thanks, Adam.

Get in here.
The countdown's starting.

Three, two...


Happy New Year!

'Cause that's what New Year's is for.

It's a time for new beginnings...

A time to appreciate
the people you love...

Even if sometimes
they body-slam you.

But more importantly,
it's a time to look forward...

Hey, hey! ...To the New Year
that maybe, just maybe...

Will be even better than the last.

Stop it.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

Ooh. Nice. Great.

Hello, mother/son magazine.

Now, that's a touch of class.

Oh, look who's going to
the prom together.


Aah! Stop it!

Get off me! I don't want to be
a model anymore!