The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 22 - The Goldbergs - full transcript

Adam, thinking Pop's good luck might rub off on him, takes a gamble and ends up losing his beloved toys. Meanwhile, Erica's dream of appearing on a popular TV dance show turns into a nightmare when Barry gives her pink eye.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Back in the '80s, this
is what cool looked like.

The makeup was as
heavy as the perfume,

the hair crimped and curled,

and most importantly,
the shoulders bared.

Even though my
sister owned the look,

it was a bumpy
ride to get her there.

Back in ninth grade,

my sister was a giant
ball of awkwardness.

Hi, Dan.

Cool clarinet.

Um, so, I know I've
asked a few times,

but did you ever figure out
your plans for the winter formal?

Listen, Erica.

I only like you
as a lab partner.

And to be honest,

even then, I fantasize
about other lab partners. So...

But then, a miracle happened.

Erica Goldberg
got contact lenses,

stopped shampooing with
bar soap, lost her braces.

And learned how to
tame her rat's nest.

And just like that,

my sister blossomed
from awkward to awesome.

Hey. Hi, Erica.

Hey, Don.

Uh, it's Dan.

But you could call me Don
if you like that name better.

In fact, Erica was so
awesome that in one week,

she would get to be
on the coolest TV show

proudly filmed in our hometown.

It was Dance Party USA,

30 minutes of
fierce '80s grooving

featuring the hottest
girls and baddest boys

in the skimpiest
of belly shirts.

Holy God, look at
those dance moves!

I'd do anything to tease
my bangs that high.

Just think, in one week,

everyone in school will see us
dancing under those neon lights.

We'll be regionally famous.

So, what moves you
gonna bust out first?

I'm thinking I'd Walk Like an
Egyptian right into The Safety Dance.

Speaking of dancing,
Barry has arrived!

Whoo! God, Barry.

The only thing worse than
your moves is your gross eye.

It's just pinkeye.
Everyone gets it.

Everyone doesn't get it from a
kaleidoscope they found under a bridge.

A goopy eye is well
worth the colorful view

of the world this
baby's given me.

Honey, you're gonna give
it to your other eye. Huh?

Unlike Erica, Barry was still
struggling to find his awesomeness,

and growing that rat tail
last summer didn't really help.

This will always be awesome.

I'm so stoked to be on TV!

I want to make sure I
lock down a solo platform.

That sounds like a perfect plan,

but there's only one
teeny, tiny problem.

You're not coming.

Lainey, you're my girl, girl.

Talk some sense into her.

You don't want him to go?

No. Sorry.

Did everything I
could. Come on, baby.

Look in my good eye and
give me one reason why.

Barry, this is going on TV.

They don't want
spazzy dancing freaks

who lose their mind when the
lunch lady runs out of pudding.

That only happened three times!

They should know by now
to fully stock the pudding!

Sweetie, you're doing it again.

Fine. I'll just
dance it off, okay?

Watch me go.

How can you deny the world
this sweet rhythmic magic, huh?

Oh, is this happening? What?

Get away! I'm contagious!

The only thing that's contagious
are your sweet dance moves.

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was April 29th,

and I was about to spend the day

with the most magical
badass I knew. Pops.

Here you go, boys.

Toad in the hole for my snuggle
face, raisin bran and prune juice

for the coolest and most
regular daddy I know.

That's a pass on breakfast, Bev.

Me and the kid are headed
out for a big day on the town.

First, tennis at the club.

And if there's time,
we hit the art museum.

Honestly, there should be a
museum for the two of you.

It will be called the
Shmoopie Center for Cuteness

and I will be the curator

and people will
line up for blocks

just to delight in
your deliciousness.

She just had her
morning coffee. You go.

I'll stay and be a body
in the room for her.

And go we did, but not
to tennis or a museum, no.

♪ You got the touch We headed to the
South Jersey gem known as Atlantic City.

♪ You got the power Back then, it
was a sketchy, degenerate wonderland

where they actually let in
a baby-faced boy like me,

no questions asked.

Pops' game of choice was craps.

And although no human
could understand it,

all I knew was that as
long as my grandfather

had his lucky watch, the man
was unstoppable. ♪ You're a winner

- ♪ You go the touch ♪
- Seven out. Seven out.

Is that bad?

Oh, not for us.

I dropped a C-note on
the come at the last second,

so now we're up 50.

My God, even when
you lose you win.

Here you go, Al.
Seafood buffet on us.

Free all-you-can-eat
popcorn shrimp?

Seriously, how does this
casino stay in business?

As I was living it
up with my hero,

Barry was beyond desperate to
no longer be the crusty-eyed zero.

Yo! Big E! Siblings, am I right?

You can't come with us.

Just hear me out.

Dance Party USA is
the one chance I get

to show everyone at school
that I'm not just a pinkeyed loser

dating some girl
out of his league.

They'll have to respect the guy

who danced briefly
on local television.

I'm begging you with all my
heart. Please do this for me.

I'm glad you came
to me with this.

And I really
appreciate your honesty

and now I hope, you
can appreciate mine.

I think you're
unappealing and gross.

Barry knew no amount of
begging could change Erica's mind.

What he didn't know was that
pinkeye is highly contagious.


What's happening on your face?

I caught Barry's gross pinkeye.
I can't wear my contacts.

At all? We're supposed
to be on TV in three days.

Move it, Lainey.
Get to class. Ugh.

Take Mrs. Magoo with you.

Don't worry, Lainey.
I'll look fine for TV.

These are just reading
glasses. I don't need them to see.


How did you not see that?

'Cause I lied! I
want to dance on TV!

Walk it off, Goldberg.

As Erica was headed for an
emergency dental procedure,

Pops and I were
headed home winners.

That's another one
for the record books.

Here's your taste
of the action, kiddo.

Always a pleasure.

Me too, Pops.

I'm just hoping
one of these days

some of your awesomeness
will rub off on me.

What are you talking about?
You're plenty awesome.

Not like you.

Your life is a parade
of money, free shrimp,

and old ladies that you
find hot and I find sad.

You're the luckiest guy I know.

It's like magic.

Trust me, you
have it in you, too.

Really? 'Cause my life
hasn't been magical at all.

Even at magic camp, I
was a total third-stringer.

All the magic you
need is right in here.

If you just believe in yourself
like I do, you can't lose.

After Pops made me
realize I was a winner,

I tested my gambling skills at the
riskiest game in town, finger football.

What do you say we
make this interesting? Fine.

The big boys play
it for lunch snacks.

What did your hot mom
pack for dessert today?

She is hot, dude.

Dave Kim likes an
hourglass shape.

Harkens back to old Hollywood.

Shut up, Dave Kim.

And lunch snacks are adorable,

but I say we play for
your Hulk issue 181.

What are you offering?

Let me just whip out
my money clip here.

How's about every series
1 Garbage Pail Kid I got?

Big mistake, Goldberg.

The mistake is yours, bro.

♪ You got the touch
ADULT ADAM: This was it.

Thanks to Pops, I knew
I had the magic touch

and nothing could stop my
luck. ♪ You got the power ♪

Nice doing business
with you. Wait.

You can't just walk away now.

Double or nothing.
I'm listening.

I bet my Megatron.

I bet all my robots.

My entire Nintendo system.

All my games.

Is my soul worth anything?

It's gone. It's all gone.

Walk it off, Goldberg.

And so ended the worst losing
streak in finger football history.

What are you doing
sitting in the dark?

I had a terrible day.

I gambled pretty
bad, and I lost.

Well, hey, that's
why you always keep

a spare pair of
underpants in your locker.

That gem's for free.

No! I lost my toys to Garry
Ball playing finger football.

Pops convinced me that I
was lucky like him, but I'm not.

I found this guy trying
to hide under my bed.

I know you're scared,
Starscream. So am I.

I'm not sure what
I'm watching here,

but at least you learned
a valuable lesson.

All gamblers eventually lose.

Not Pops. He always wins.
It's like the man's magic.

Except he does lose, and
there's no such thing as magic.

You do know that, right?

So, you're saying my hero
is just a regular old man

and there really is
no magic in the world?

Yes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't listen to him.

You just continue loving
Pops the way you always have.

Your dad's the reason he
gambled all his stuff away.

Well, then Pops will fix it.

I'll take him down
to the school,

he'll work his magical magic
and get it all back for you.

Really? Really.

Really? Really.

And with that, my mom rushed
off to settle my gambling debts.

Nineteen, 20.

All right.

Hit the showers.

And don't wear your underwear
in there like a bunch of weirdos.


I'm kind of going through
some personal stuff.

Do you have time to talk?

I'm not just your
wrestling coach, Goldberg.

I'm your life coach.

Now drop and give me feelings.

Everyone in school
thinks I'm a joke.

Maybe, I am. I
can't change that.

But being on TV
is a game changer.

I was thinking if someone taught
me some sweet dance moves,

maybe everyone would
look past who I really am.

Why you coming to me for this?

I remember you told me
you took up tap dancing

to help you with your
balance and flexibility.

Not true. Tap is for wuss-bags.

I took modern.
It's a man's dance.

So, maybe you can help me?

Okay, son.

I'm gonna tell you the same
thing I told my ex-wife's lawyer.

You better bring
everything you got.

Let's dance.

And with that, Coach
Mellor would train Barry

to dance his way
to local TV stardom.

With moves this flawless,

Erica and Lainey
would have no choice

but to look past the
pink in Barry's eye

and into the fire in his heart.

♪ After all is said and done

♪ You've never
walked You've never run

♪ You're a winner

♪ You're at your best
When the going gets rough

♪ You've been put to the
test But it's never enough

♪ You got the touch

♪ You got the power ♪

Oh, my God, it's midnight?

Welcome to the first
midnight of the rest of your life.

'Cause I taught you to dance.

And now, you will succeed
at the thing you wanted.

Whatever that was.

While Barry had some
new sweet moves,

my mom was using some
old ones on Principal Ball.

Thank you for agreeing to meet
with me on such short notice, Earl.

You're welcome, but technically,

you just pounded on the door
while I tried to hold my breath

until you heard me gasp for
air, then you barged right in.

Look, I know you're
in a tough position

being both principal
and Garry's father,

but something very upsetting
has happened between our boys.

The finger football
fiasco. I am so sorry.

I told Garry gambling in school
will never be tolerated again.

So, I'll just swing by later
and pick up Adam's toys?

Oh, gosh, no. Garry won them
in a bet. So, they're his toys now.

But you just said gambling
at school was unacceptable.


However, welching on a
gentleman's wager is even worse.

That is an important life
lesson for our boys to learn.

But I think the takeaway here
is, you never bet against a Ball.

Oh, is that the takeaway?

We're an unusually lucky brood.

Well, why not put your money
where your mouth is, Ball?

Meaning? You may be lucky,

but when it comes to Beverly
Goldberg's love of her children,

she never loses.

If I win, I get
Adam's things back.

If I lose, I'll stay out of
your office for a week.

Mississippi Stud, deuces
and one-eyed jacks are wild.

I only know the game

where you do the flippy thing with
the card and the highest one wins.

You want war? You got it.

Ace. Two!

Damn it! Double or nothing.

King. Two!

Damn it!

Shall we go for a year?

How did it go, Bev? Did
you strong-arm him or what?

I'll explain in the car.

I'm not allowed on school
grounds for the next decade.

Hold on. Let me just go
in and charm the man.

It's my thing.

Okay, fine, but listen
to me very carefully.

Under no circumstances
are you to play war.

What happened to your jacket?

That guy.

While Pops and my
mom needed a new plan

to get back my
prized possessions,

Barry planned to win over
Lainey with his new dance moves.

Oh, hello.


Uh, what are you doing?

Now finish it.

I can't believe I'm saying
this, but that was kind of hot.

Welcome to the new Barry,

and the new Barry's been
working on his moves. Hmm.

What's up, gang?

I know. I messed my teeth
up when my face hit that locker,

so Dr. Chang put me in
some temporary braces.

Did Dr. Chang do
something to your hair, too?

Oh, no, I tried to cheer
myself up with a home perm,

but I can't see good, so, yeah.

Well, good news is, the whole
package kind of goes together.

Yeah, you have this whole
cat-lady, drifter thing going on.

Shut up, will ya?

I'll totally be
camera-ready by tomorrow.

Uh, in light of your
recent medical issues,

maybe I should just
go with Barry instead.

No! Barry, you're my brother.
Talk some sense into her.

Do you want her to go like this?

No. I'm sorry.

I did everything I could.

Fine! I didn't want to go to
the stupid dance party anyway.

I'll just eat my soft
foods and go, hmm?

Dang it, where's the pudding?

Sorry, we're all out.
Got some pears, though.

I don't want a pear.
I want chocolate.

Again, we have no
pudding. We have pears.

Fine. You want me
to take a damn pear?

Then I'll take all
the pears, woman.

That way, you'll run out of
pears instead of pudding!

For the first time,
Erica got a taste

of what it was like
to be her brother.


But none of Barry's
public meltdowns

ever rivaled my sister's
pear-throwing, pudding rant.

Everyone gets a pear!

All right, show's
over! My office!



Ooh, that's gonna be
a tough one to walk off.

While Erica was
forced into detention,

I was forced to entertain myself

with my backup
toys form the '70s.

Big news, little man.

Guess who just won
all your toys back.

It was me.

Yeah, I did exactly whatever
she's about to tell you.

Really? How?

Specifics aren't important.

What matters is that Pops
once again saved the day.

That's why he's your hero.

He really is.

What the hell is this?

Oh, that's one of those robo
change-'em-ups you love so much.

This is a Gobot.

I gambled away all
my Transformers.

And the difference would be?

This is a Transformer

and this is a Gobot.

Look at the obvious difference.

Forget about the robots.
Look what you've got here.


What did you just call me?

No, it's the thing you
play all day long. Nintardo.

Oh, my God, are you
combining Nintendo and Atari

into some horrible mom word?

Bev, enough. It's time
we just level with the kid.

I, uh...

May have gone to the toy
store to replace your toys.

Pops, why couldn't you
just win it all back for me?

That's the thing.
Over the years,

I may have fudged a few
details about how much I've won.

What are you talking about?

I've seen you win
so much at casinos,

they shower you with the freshest
seafood the ocean has to offer.

First of all, that seafood is both
frozen and of the lowest quality,

and they give it to you when
you bet aggressively and lose.

So, have you been
fudging other things, too?

No. Maybe.

What about all your legendary
war stories? Are those true?

Well, mostly.

Did you karate-kick
Mussolini in the face?

No, but I was a
very outspoken critic.


My whole life, I thought
that you were special.

But you're just a liar.

It had been an hour since Erica's
meltdown, and she was feeling the pain.

This is a nightmare.

Well, why don't you let Coach
buck you up with a little story?

Please don't.

It's about an awkward and
goofy-looking caterpillar.

She had heart, she had spirit,

but nobody saw it

because on the outside, she
had wild hair and a jacked-up eye.

You're clearly talking about me.

No, I'm talking
about a caterpillar.

I'm clearly the caterpillar.

Anyway, this caterpillar,
who is not you,

eventually spun herself a
little cocoon of confidence.

And then...


What emerged was
but a beautiful butterfly.

Oh, my God!

You're giving me
the uggo speech.

That's the same story you
tell all the dorks and losers.

Wait, people know this?

I know it, 'cause you
gave it to me in ninth grade.

Really? That's a heck of a
long time to be in a cocoon.

I'm a butterfly!

I'm just going through
some stuff, okay?

Well, then, let me
tell you another story

about a lady who
never got married,

but she became one
heck of a cool aunt.

I'm a butterfly.

Yes, you are.

Under your skin.

Here's a pudding.
Thought you could use it.

Just go away. I don't
want your pity pudding.

Damn it. Yes, I do.

Okay, I talked to Lainey,

and we want you to come
with us to Dance Party USA.

I can't go on TV
looking like this.

I can't even go out
in the world like this.

Trust me, you can.

How would you know?


This is what I
feel like every day.

When I saw you freaking
out in the cafeteria, I saw me.

And I realized I never want
to see you feel that way again.

Why are you being so nice to me?

'Cause no matter
how scary you look,

you'll always be my big sister.

That's just so nice.

Oh, God, don't hug me.

♪ Highway run I need to hug you.

Sure, Erica and Barry
never really saw eye-to-eye.

♪ Into the midnight
sun But for the first time,

they saw each other
clearer than ever.

♪ Wheels go 'round and
'round MURRAY: Oh, look at you.

You got all your crap back.

Only 'cause I
agreed to give Garry

all of my desserts at
lunch until we graduate.

You know, you were
right. Pops isn't a hero.

He's a fraud.

That's not what I meant.

Listen, Pops may not be magic,

but he's a terrific grandfather
and he's always there for you.

But he still lied to me.

He exaggerated. That's
what all grandfathers do.

You know why?

'Cause they want you to love
them as much as they love you.

Thanks to my dad, I realized that
Pops wasn't the lucky one, I was.

For having him in my life.

Hey, Pops, what's
with the bran cereal?

Don't you want to hit the
Waffle House and the museum?


I just assumed you didn't
want to go with me anymore.

Just do me a favor and give it
to me straight from here on out.

Deal. And I'm gonna
start by giving you this.

♪ I'm forever yours My
grandpa gave it to me,

and now I carry him
with me wherever I go.


you'll carry me with you.

And if that ain't magic,
I don't know what is.

When you're young, it's
easy to believe in magic.

Come on, kid.

Have fun with your grandfather.

Oh, and no Atlantic City!

That's right! I know!

But as you get older,

you realize the real magic
comes from the people you love.

♪ Faithfully

♪ I'm still yours ♪

Truth is, your greatest memories

are always the ones
with family at your side.

Sure, they may not be pretty or
turn out exactly as you planned.

In fact, some of our most
embarrassing moments

lead to our greatest victories.

Of course, at the time, it
may not seem that way.

It's only when you sit down and take a good
look back that you can't help but smile.

'Cause it's those very flaws

that make the memories
absolutely perfect.

Happy to report
the dorks and dinks

are afraid to talk to me again.

All is right with the world.

Well, now that you've
been on the other side,

maybe you'll have pity for them.

What's up, gang?

Oh, my! Whoa!

Got your stupid
pinkeye in both eyes.

And I was so upset I threw my hair
dryer against the wall and broke it.

Now I'm so stressed, I think I
may be getting a little pimple.

Am I?

There might be
something coming in.

I'm so sorry, Barry.

If you don't wanna be
seen with me, I totally get it.

I'm not gonna lie.
I'm super into this.

I love dating a weirdo.

That's right, you do.