The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Goldbergs - full transcript

Beverly (Wendi McLendon-Covey) is determined to make friends with a standoffish neighbor (guest star Jennifer Irwin). Barry (Troy Gentile) and Erica (Hayley Orrantia) battle for control of the family's one telephone line.


(Engines revving)

(Adult Adam)
Growing up in the '80s,

I didn't just love movies... I lived them.
(Engines continue revving)

Maybe a little too much.

(Imitates engine revving)

Hey, little buddy.

Hey, Barry. You want
to be in my movie?

I'd love nothing more.

Okay, so I'm inside
the game grid,

and I have these identity discs,
and you're gonna... (Whooshes)

That's a wrap, nerd.

I had no kids on my street
to play with,

and my older siblings
weren't exactly interested

in my hobbies.



Whatcha up to?

- Nothin'.
- Oh.

'Cause it looks like
you were filming yourself

on a "Tron" light cycle
escaping the game grid.

You've seen "Tron."

16 times.

My mom's actually
kinda worried.

Hi, I'm Adam.

I'm Chad... Kremp.

We just moved in
across the street.

You wanna check out
my light cycle?

Sure. Yeah.

And just like that, I had
a new neighbor and best friend.

Even though we had
so much in common,

our families couldn't
have been more different.

(Doorbell rings)

The Kremps were soft-spoken...

Hi. Can Chad play?

Chad, honey,
your friend is here.

And the Goldbergs
liked to yell.

Hi. Can Adam play?

Adam! Get your ass
down here!

The Kremps owned
a fancy flower shop...

Here, Adam.

Why don't you take these
home to your mother?


The Goldbergs owned
a discount furniture store.

Get off the furniture!

I gotta sell this crap.

This was a typical Saturday
afternoon at the Kremps'...


Put a little pepper
on that one, didn't you, son?

- I learned from the best.
- (Chuckles)

- Hey, lemonade for my home team.
- Ohh!

While a Saturday afternoon
at the Goldbergs'

looked more like this...

(Beverly) What the hell?
Barry Goldberg,

you get your butt
out of that tree right now!

What kind of moron
gets stuck in a tree?

Adam said I couldn't
climb this high.

- I showed him!
- (Chuckles) You sure did.

If you don't come down
right now,

I am gonna go get the hose!

You're not gonna spray our son.

Stop! Erica, I would
like to not have to...

(all shouting at once) Enough
with the ball! The hose...

the hose is the way to go. The hose! Um, he's
the idiot that got himself stuck up there.

I'll try and catch him...
(Speaks indistinctly)

Hey, neighbors! Hi!

We have got to get that barbecue
on the books, don't we?

- Definitely.
- That'd be great.

- He's a moron!
- He is!

- Hi! - And that's what you'd call
"A Goldberg first impression."

(I Fight Dragons)
♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

- Long before cell phones, you only had one phone line...
- Get off the phone. Get off the phone.

- And it was the source of all problems.
- Get off the phone. Get off the phone.

- Get off the phone. Get off the phone.
- Hold on, Lainey.

- Get off the phone.
- I'm talking!

Go away, or I'll punch you
in the soft part of your skull.

Mom told you not
to punch me there.

Now give me the phone.
I got an important call to make.

What's so important?

I gotta call Roger.

He borrowed my hockey stick,

and I found
a hornet's nest out back.

Your life is so sad and simple.


No. Get off the phone.

- Get off the phone. Get off the phone...
- Hey, you know...

When I was your age,
I was a radio man

with the 103rd,
working with the French

and the British.
We shared one line,

and we still managed
to win the war.

Can you please stop
with these stories?

This is a real life
situation here.

Dad, we gotta get
a second phone line.

Two phone lines?

What does this look like...
the White House?

A second line...
is that even possible

with all those wires
crossing in and out?

Can they even do that?

While Pops couldn't understand
how the phone worked,

my mom couldn't understand
why the Kremps

kept ducking her barbecue

This is getting ridiculous.

I have been nothing but nice
to the Kremps... (Loaf thuds)

And they're clearly
blowing us off.

I mean, why would they want
to avoid us?

(Blows air)

What did you do?


You heard me.
What... did you do?

I haven't said
a word to those people.

Well, that's the problem
right there.

You're not friendly,
you don't say "hi,"

you water the yard
in your underpants.

It's disconcerting.

It's like you're trying
to drive people away.

That's because I am
trying to drive people away.

Well, that is why
you have no friends, Murray.

I live in a house
full of people

who won't leave me
the hell alone.

That's all the friends I need.

Well, you may not
want friends, but I do.

Go over there and apologize

for being a pantsless
grumpy pants.

I should apologize for being me?
(Spoon clinks)


(Doorbell rings)

Hi. I'm, uh, Murray Goldberg
from across the street.

Just thought I'd come over
and formally introduce myself.

Charles Kremp.
Pleasure to meet you.

- Come on in.
- Oh, okay. Thank you.

This place smells great!

It's the gardenias.

It's a perk of the job.
I'm a florist.

- Oh, how about that?
- That's right.

We have a-a flower spray
that we keep in the bathroom.

It tries.

But the point is,

I am here to invite you
to a barbecue.

Yes, that...
that situation.

So... it is
a situation, huh?

From now on,

I will try and, uh,

wear pants when I go outside.

- Try.
- To be honest,

um... (Clicks tongue)
My... my wife Virginia...

she can be a little sensitive,

and, uh... (Chuckles)

How to put this...
your wife scares her.

- What?
- Mm.

That day, my father finally
got to do something

he had been waiting for
since the day he got married...

be right!

(Singsongy) It's you!

- What?
- You heard me.

It's not me that's the problem.

It's you!

What did I do?

Oh... you scare the woman.

Scare her but good.

That is ridiculous.

I have never been anything
but cordial to her.

How can she not like me?

You yell. Uh, you yell inside,
you yell outside.

And apparently, you climbed up
on a garbage truck

to yell at the garbage man.

And he drove halfway
down the block

with you hanging off the back.

And then he drove back
and picked up our old sink.

You're welcome.

Explain it any way
you want to, Bevy.

That woman no likey you.

But the idea of someone
not liking my mom

was not gonna fly.

Beverly Goldberg prided herself
on being loved by all.

And she couldn't have it
any other way.

Whoo-hoo! Virginia!

She turned power walking
into power stalking.

- Hey! (Chuckles) Whoo! (Chuckles)
- I didn't see you there.

Oh. I didn't know
you power walked.

What a coincidence.

I do it every day.

She didn't.

Well, I should...
keep moving.

- I just hit my peak burn period. So...
- Oh, good stuff,

good stuff. Listen...

I feel like we got off
on the wrong foot,

and I know we're gonna
be great friends.

So please come over
for a barbecue.

(Chuckles) Sure.

Sure, I'll let you know.

Now? Okay, uh,
how about Saturday?

I think it's supposed
to rain on Saturday.

Great, Saturday it is.
Mark it down.

You don't have
to bring anything

except an open mind
and four sides. (Chuckles)

No. Just one side,
if you want.

Okay. (Chuckles)

- I'm gonna keep moving.
- Okay, I'll lead.

(Strained voice) Oh! Aah!
Cramp, cramp, cramp.

Okay, Saturday it is.
Prepare to make some memories.

(Chuckles) Ohh!

While my mom was trying
to make a connection

with Mrs. Kremp...
(Line ringing)

My brother was hoping to make
a connection of his own.

(Woman, seductive voice)
Hey, there, big boy.

You've reached 9-7-6-FOX.

I'm glad you called.

To speak with a hot girl
in a car... press one.

To speak with a nasty girl
on a plane... press two.

What the... hello?

Hang up.

Hang up!

Hang up!

Seriously, you're calling
9-7-6 numbers?

That's a personal call
with a friend!

Gimme that.

You've selected
erotic boat ride.

(Chuckles) Oh, man.

You are so busted.

Don't tell Dad, please?

I'll do anything.

I'll give you one week
of uninterrupted phone time.

Hmm, that's hard to pass up.

Dad! Barry's calling
9-7-6 numbers!


Those calls are like
$5.99 a minute.

The first two minutes are free,

and I never go
beyond the second minute.

I use the timer from Boggle.
It's legit.

Oh, you want legit?

No phone for a month!

- This is your fault!
- How is it my fault

that you want to get frisky in a rowboat?
(Door creaks open)

That wasn't the selection I was gonna make.
(Door closes)

Okay, now you're in trouble.

Your son has been
calling smut numbers.

I don't care. I have something
very important to tell you.

The Kremps are coming over
for a barbecue.

Yes! That is big!

Now let's focus on this
and not my thing.

Tell us more
about this important barbecue.

Wait, are we talking
about all the Kremps here,

like, the boys, too...

the one that's Adam's age,
and the one that's my age

with sandy brown hair
and blue eyes?

You still want to have
a barbecue with these people,

even though that woman's
terrified of you?

Not anymore.

I woke up early this morning,

followed her for 2 miles
on foot,

then chased her down
and convinced her

there's nothing scary about me.

Come on. I had nothing
planned this weekend.

It was perfect.

Well, now you do.
And you will be warm

and inviting,
and so help me God,

you better not fall asleep
in front of these people.

Okay! Let's get cookin'!

Off. Take it off.

It's an icebreaker...

Sometimes more.

Dad, these are good people.

We need to be
on our best behavior.

That means no dirty jokes,
no limericks, no lewd comments.

This party sounds like
a real drag.

As for the rest of you,

no yelling, no cursing,
no fighting.

Mark my words.

This will be
the best backyard barbecue

in the history...
of backyard barbecues.

(Thunder rumbles, rainfall)
Or not.

It was gonna be a very stormy
weekend with the Kremps.

(Thunder rumbles) Even though it
rained during the big barbecue,

it didn't stop me and Chad

from reciting
"Empire Strikes Back" by heart.

(Both, robotically)
No, no, that's not true.

That's impossible.

It also didn't stop my sister
from warming up to Drew Kremp,

or my dad from falling asleep,

or my mom from trying to get
Virginia to warm up to her.

- I brought you some wine.
- What?!

(Lowered voice)
I brought you some wine.

I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm so naturally soft-spoken.

I brought you some wine.

Okay, who needs dogs?

Mm. Wow.
Thank you so much. Look...

oh, you warmed my buns.


I don't know if I can
handle all this meat.

(Under breath)
Is she kidding me with this?

(Under breath) Just go.

No one was really
enjoying themselves...

Except for Barry.
(Thunder rumbling)

Hello, sister.

Perfect day for a barbecue,
isn't it?

No, weirdo.
It's pouring outside.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I meant, it's a perfect day
for revenge.

(Button clicks)

(Erica) Drew Kremp
is so delicious.

I want to dunk him in a glass
of milk and eat him up.

(Button clicks, recording
stops) What the hell?

You recorded
my private phone call?

Funny... how I just happened
to pick up

when you were on the phone.

Should I play the rest for
the guests we're entertaining?

(Lowered voice) Okay, you win.

You can use the phone
whenever you want, okay?

Just please don't play it,
I'm begging you.

Kind of like how I begged you
not to tell Dad, huh?

Perchance, can you remind me
how that turned out?

Will you stop talking like that
and just give me the damn tape?

- No.
- Just give it...

- (strained voice) Not giving it to you.
- (Strained voice) Stop it!

You're embarrassing yourself.

- Give it...
- Stop!

Oh, my God! Stop!
(Tape recorder thuds, starts playing)

(Erica's voice) I mean, doesn't
"Erica Kremp" sound perfect?

When we get married,
we're gonna ski

and speak French all day
and have super blonde kids.


- Oh, dear.
- That... was not the plan.

What was the plan?

- What was the plan?!
- Aah!

- Kids, enough!
- Ow! Ow!

- This is so out of character for them.
(Erica) Stop moving.

- (Erica) Let me punch you!
- (Barry) Get off me!

Kids, I told you not to punch
each other in the privates.

- No phone for either of you.
- Ow, ow, ow!

(Erica) Stop moving!
(Eric and Barry grunting)

(Erica) Eat it!

Murray, wake the (bleep) up!

(Thunder rumbling)


Well, you know, it's...
it's getting late.

We should probably head out.
Okay. Bye-bye now. Good time.

A week went by,
and I hadn't seen Chad.

Thankfully, Pops was always
there when I needed him.

Okay, and we're rolling.


What's my first line?

Oh, come on, seriously?

You got fruit punch
on your suit?

Oh, it's okay.

I-I've given the character
a lot of thought.

This robot loves fruit punch.

He's a messy robot.

I told you, you're not a robot.

You're a program living inside
a digital computer world.

Or... instead of him going
to a computer world,

how about he goes
to a juice world?

There's no such thing
as a juice world!

But computer worlds are real?

(Sighs) Just go.

I don't know why
a robot can't like juice.

Where's Chad today?

Uh... I-I don't think
he's available.

What do you mean?

His mom just said

we can't play together
for a while.


The nerve of that woman.

I'm marching over there
right now

and giving her
a piece of my mind.

No! Wait! Your mind is the part
that scares her the most.

Promise me you won't
go over there.

Please. You'll just
make it worse.

All right, lovebug.

I won't go over there,
I promise.

My mom was a woman of her word.

She didn't march over there.

Instead, she called.
(Line ringing)

(Click) (Virginia) Hello.
You've reached the Kremps.

Please leave a message
and have a wonderful day.


Virginia, it's Beverly Goldberg.
Pick up.

Oh, please, I see you
lurking behind the curtain

like a weirdo in your own home.

Would you pick up
the phone already?

(Receiver clatters) So sorry,
I was just in the shower.

Cut the crap and tell me
why Adam can't play with Chad.

I'm sorry. Look, I just...

Think that we have
different styles...

different ways of speaking

in front of our children,

and just generally...

Different ways of being
in the world.


If Chad can't play with Adam,

Adam can't play with Chad.

And I could give a hoot
whether or not you like me

because I have buttloads
of friends, okay?


(Slams down receiver)


I... kept my promise.

I didn't go over there.

(Rapid footsteps depart)
And just like that,

my mom had hung up
on my friendship with Chad.

But we weren't the only ones
getting our lines crossed.

My brother and sister's
battle over the phone

had stretched on another day.

But what Barry would soon
realize was the fight

was about to be taken outside.

I'm serious, Lainey.
Drew Kremp heard everything.

I'm thinking of quitting school
and skipping town.

Busted! You are so busted,

and I'm telling,
and Barry wins.

Mom and Dad said
we couldn't use the phone

in the house.

I'm outside the house.

That's very intelligent.

Give it to me!
I gotta make a call!

No way!
It was my idea!

- Just give it to me!
- Stop!

Lainey, hold on!

(Bell dings)

(Strained voice)
Give it... to... me.



You broke it!

Maybe you should call

Maybe you should call...

Shut up!

- Are you kidding me?!

I stand by what I did.


Why are we like this?

'Cause we're a family.

That's what a family does.

All we ever do is fight,
and it's exhausting.


You're not gonna
throw mud back in my face?

What do I do?

Tell me, what do I do?

For the next week,
my mom and Virginia Kremp

avoided each other.
But in a small town,

you can only avoid someone
for so long.

(Virginia) I knew
something was wrong

because when I bit
into the eclair,

it tasted like sour cream
and pickles.

If they went bad,
they went bad on your watch.

I can see
why you would think that.

And normally I would never...
ever, ever make a fuss.

But I did purchase these
less than 24 hours ago,

and I still have the receipt.

I'm not takin' these back!

Are you kidding me?!

My mom may have been able
to give up on Virginia,

but she couldn't give up
on who she was.

Mrs. Goldberg,

I-I didn't know you two
knew each other.

Damn right we do.
We're neighbors.

Now... go back
and get her some fresh eclairs.

Or would you like a repeat...

Of the birthday cake fiasco?

Who writes "sorry for your loss"

on a 10-year-old's
birthday cake?

- It was a mistake, and
Victor was let go. - Yeah.

Well, that was a dark day
for this store.

But it could get a lot darker.

I'll take care of it.

Sorry, ma'am.
I'll fix you right up.


I know I just made
a big, loud scene.

It's just what I do.

Knock, knock. Honey?

Are you in there?

(Adam) Go away.
I don't wanna talk to you.

You're right.
I should give you some space.

At least close the door,
and don't turn on the lights.

Darkness is my only friend.

Adam, I am so sorry.

You should be sorry!
Look at me!

I'm in a glow-in-the-dark

(Sighs) And Chad was
the only friend that got me...

Who got this!

And you just had to ruin it...

Just because one person
in this world

didn't like you.

(Switch clicks)


You're the one that matters.

I'd rather have nobody like me

than have you be mad at me

Not forever, just for
about a month and a half.


Let's see if I can
shorten that up just a bit.

(Starship's "Nothing's Gonna
Stop Us Now" playing)



Whatcha doin'?


Want to finish our movie?

Yeah. Do you?

- (Chuckles) Hell, yeah.
- Chad, "h" word.



What the hell's the "h" word?

So I was thinking tomorrow
we could go for a power walk.

And then you could come over
and we could split an eclair.

Or I could come over right now,

and we could each have
our own eclair.

Mm... Beverly Goldberg, you are bad.

I am bad. I am the worst.

Let's do it.
(Whispers) Let's do it.


And just like that,
the one person out there

who didn't like my mom
became her best friend.

Even my dad,

who prided himself
on having no friends,

started to come around
to the idea.

(Keys jangle) Yo.


Whatcha doin'?

- Uh... nothin'.
- Hey, uh...

I don't know if you're
interested, but, um...

I got Eagles season tickets...

50 yard line. (Chuckles)

You around Sunday?

♪ And we can build
this thing together ♪


Watching the Kremp kids
get along

inspired Barry and Erica to try
something new and crazy...

look out for each other.

Hey, Chad.

You want to bet I can't climb
the tree in your yard?


♪ Nothing's gonna stop us

♪ nothing's gonna stop us

♪ now

♪ whoa, oh

We learned a lot
from each other.

We taught them it was okay

to raise your voice
now and then.

I asked for paper-thin.

You gave me slices...

Thick as my thumb...
not acceptable.

♪ I will stay here with you

while they learned how
to be more like the Goldbergs,

we learned to be a little more
like the Kremps.

Erica, telephone.

(Erica) What?
Push the button, Mom.

- Uh...
- It's not hard.

- Erica...
- How many times do I have to show you how this works?

How does this
stupid thing work?

- Erica, telep...
- Talk into the box!

- Erica! Telephone!
- Hello?

- Pick up the damn phone!
- What's the matter with you? Mom?

Yep, we were different
than the Kremps...

not better, not worse...

just... different.

Told you I could do it again.

You're so stupid
for doubting me.

(Adult Adam sighs) Oh, though
Barry didn't help our case.

Okay, folks.
Today we're re-enacting

some "Empire Strikes Back."
Are you ready?

Dude, are you sure about this?

(Chuckles) Oh, I'm sure.
Keep it rolling.


(Breathing heavily)

What's goin' on?


Oh, why do you always
do this crap?

I'm your father!

(Voice breaking) No...
That's not true.

That's impossible!

What do you mean "impossible"?
(Mask clatters)

- Get the hell outta here!
- Run!

(Laughs) (Laughs)