The Comeback (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Comeback - full transcript

Valerie fights to change a potentially offensive line written for Aunt Sassy.

The Comeback - Episode 4
Valerie Stands Up for Aunt Sassy

Okay, are you guys ready to meet
the cast of "room and bored"??

Oh, come on. You can do
a better job than that.

Are you ready
to meet the cast

of "room and bored"?

Valerie, how you feeling??

Oh, so excited.

Show night's always
so exciting, you know.

Just can't wait to get out there
in front of the people and

just do our very very best.

- Here he is, Chris Macness.
- It's magical.

Chris just did a backflip.

A backflip?!

My god, they love him out there.

Jesse, on "i'm it,"

The last two of us out
always used to do the robot.

You know, that robot dance?? You know??

The audience loved it.
You wanna, maybe that would be cute.

No, i'm not gonna do the robot.
That's like 100 years old.

Yeah, that's why it was funny.

- Have a great show, guys.
- You too.

When i go out, i'll bow,

And then i could smack you on the butt.

- Maybe give you a swat??
- Yeah, cool.

- And I'll swat you back??
- Well, no, I don't think so.

And we'll just bow. Let's just bow.

- It'd be cool.
- Well, that's all right.

We'll just bow. Oh, there you go.

Oh, there he is. Man.

He's just a kid, you know??

He doesn't understand that,
you know, with comedy,

You know, it requires a very
delicate touch, you know??

And people like valerie cherish

And they don't want
to see her brutalized.

- ... last but certainly not least.
- Sorry. Taken care of it.

You loved her as the star of "i'm it,"

Here she is...

Valerie cherish?!

Yes yes.


You are correct.

You are right.

A- Whoa?!

- Woo-Hoo?!
- I got you?!


That's what we call forbidden love.

How do i get that job, huh?? Okay.

Places, everyone?!
Places for the "a" scene?!

Hair and makeup. Last looks.

Guess who just won
their way into my heart??

- Here we go.
- You guys?!

If i knew i was gonna have to run,

I wouldn't have worn my clogs.

That was some amazing work. Yeah.

And this is our set, huh??
Look at this beautiful set?!

You like that??

Let's all repeat after me.

- Thank you, IKEA?!
- Et voila.

Aunt sassy's in the house.

I'll see you later.

Got to make an entrance.

- Have a great show, guys?!
- Thanks?! You too?!

- You were great.
- Oh, thanks.

- Honey, you were great.
- Really??

- Yeah.
- Thank you. Good good.

- What are you eating?? What is it??
- Nuts.

- From there??
- From the bowl.

- Oh no, mark. Don't eat those.
- I'm hungry.

Oh, no. Mark, no.

We have a grip here
whose missing his nose.

God bless him. Just a prince of a guy.

But he stands over
that bowl all day long

- And things...
- What??

Things fall out, all right.

There, i drew you a picture, so...

- Where are you parked??
- The guest lot.

I'm out that way,
so i'll see you at home.

Yeah, i'll see you.

- What do i do with the nuts??
- Put them down.

- Not in the bowl. I meant on the table.
- All right, I...

Let's just go.

- Okay, I'll see you at home.
- Okay, bye bye.

- Here's next week's script.
- Ah, thanks. Good job.

Great show, Mike.


Oh no no. That's not...

What's the matter??

- Is something wrong with the script??
- No no, nothing.

Nothing's wrong with the script.
It's just one little line

needs to be worked out, you know??

Just a little tweak, that's all.

- Great show, Bob. See you next week.
- Good night, Valerie.

He's the one with no nose, Jane.

Great guy. Really is.

What's the line??

Uh, well, Cassie's found a box of puppies,

She wants to keep them
and sassy says,

"Well, you see a box of puppies,

I see korean barbeque. "

Yeah yeah yeah.

How often do you have
problems with a joke??

Me?? Never.

Never. Hello?? Have you seen my costume??

No, I always give every joke my best shot.

And then I just trust
that the writers are smart.

They'll see it doesn't work
and they'll change it.

What if they don't??

What if they don't change it??

Well then it's, then it's big trouble.

You know??

We had a situation on, on "it. "

We had a Rodney King joke
in a courtroom scene

Too soon after the I. A. Riots

And, uh, you know,

It killed the series, you know??

You have to be very careful with comedy.

Edgy's funny. Too edgy is cancelation.

You know, and I for one
would hate to see that happen

Because that would be a shame.

Really would. So...

This isn't my car.

Both silver.

Okay, everybody.

Valerie?! Look at these little sweeties?!

- Aren't they cute??
- Uh-Huh. Aw.

Reminds me of when
Nijinsky was this size.

Now he's just a smelly old pee machine.

- But I love him.
- Uh-Huh.

Eddie, are Tom and Paulie G. here??

I don't think they're in yet.
Watch out for that one.

- He's got the jaws of life
- Yeah, all right.

- Valerie.
- Yeah??

- Hi, we haven't officially met. I'm Gigi.
- Hi, Gigi.

I'm the new writer.

- Welcome?! Oh, truly?!
- Thank you.

Oh, how great to have
a woman's voice in the writing.

Oh, so smart of Tom and Paulie G.
Have you worked with them before??

Actually I've never worked
in television before.

I'm a playwright from New York.
Where else??

- The big apple.
- Yeah.

I spent some time there.

Oh really?? I just wanted
to say how excited I am,

Oh, me too, doll. Yeah, no, me too.

- I'm gonna I have to talk to...
- Oh, okay. Sorry.

Catch up with you later.
Tom. Paulie.

Can I... One second. I...



That's a miss. That's not...

This one's kind of clean.

Um, anyway, great script.

Again. You guys are
probably getting tired

of hearing that, huh??

Just um...

Just one...

Just a teeny bit concerned

about my line at the end of scene J.

- What's wrong with it??
- No big deal. It's good. It's good.

Just, i'm not sure it's
gonna play, you know??

But you'll see it.

We'll run it, you know??

And then you'll... change it
or whatever, you know??

Like you. Like usual.

You missed a spot.

- Big thank you. Big spot.
- Okay.

Oh dear. Wow. Got you good.


Just kind of smearing it around.

You almost got me.

Damn, look at her puppies.

I've got bartles & jaymes
and gouda upstairs.

- Cassie.
- Aunt sassy,

I know we're not supposed
to have pets, but...

How can you say no
to a box of puppies??

You see a box of puppies,
I see korean barbeque.

- Okay, bang bang?! Let's move it?!
- Movin'on?!

Sorry, dear, I gotta... Jimmy?!

Guys and gal.

Listen, can we just talk about
that last line for one second??

Uh, no.

All right, seriously.

Listen, it just... It, um...

I'm not sure about that
puppy line, you know??

'Cause it just seems like
everyone loves puppies.

- It's so fun, it's great.
- Um-Hmm, yeah yeah.

And then aunt Sassy wants to eat one.

- Yeah, you know??
- No, i think it played.

Well, you know, I always try
to honor the work, tom.

So thank you. Thank you for that.

But it feels like,

You know...

With that line, aunt sassy
is just unlikable, you know??

The audience is going to hate her.
Is that what we want??

- Nah, it's just a joke.
- Well, no, it is just a joke,

but we need to stop
and think, you know??

Is this the direction
we want to go in??

I'm going in that direction.


- What??
- What are you doing??

You can't tell two 30-year-old
hotshots how to write.

You want to start the "hate show"?

Oh God, no.

Right, yeah. Listen, okay.

I didn't want to scare them, all right??

But on "I'm it", my character becky

had a rodney king joke
in a courtroom scene.

It ended us, all right??

It was, you know, right after the riots.
And it was, you know

"Can't we all just like
each other more??"

You mean?: "can't we all just get along??"

That was it. Very good. Yeah.

You think that's why
your show was canceled??

- Well, yeah.
- Your show was canceled

Because on the last season you had
a chimp working at the law firm.

Now, you know the joke doesn't work

And I know the joke doesn't work.

Let the audience tell them
the joke doesn't work.

- Honey, stay out of it.
- Mm-Hmm??



By the way, everyone loved that chimp.

No they didn't.

Do you feel better??

Well, it's always good
to talk to jimmy, you know??

And if they change that line, then great.

And if they don't...

You know.

Oh, there's that girl writer.

Hello there, lady writer.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Listen, I just, I wanted to tell you
how much I appreciated your support

Today at the run through.

- The puppy line??
- Oh.

Saw you nodding.
You and I, same page.

- Oh, right. Yeah.
- Yes.

You know.

Look at that face, huh??
Aw. So cute, yeah.

Aunt Sassy might hate puppies,
but Valerie Cherish does not.


M- M-M-M-M. Eat you up.

Not really.

I had to leave my dog with my parents
when I came out here and I miss him so much.

Yeah, sure.

Aaaaw. Yeah.

Look at that. Look at this guy.

How cute. Look at that.

Nothing like'em. Nothing like'em.

My husband and I have
been talking about

adopting a little doggie for ourselves.

You could take one of these.
They're up for adoption.

Can I?? Really??

Today's my lucky day, huh??

Okay. Okay, I'm gonna take this one.

All right?? 'Cause I love it so much.
Love this puppy.

Yes, I do. I love you.

I love... Lucy?!

Name her lucy, huh??

Lucille ball is a personal hero of mine.

A true legend.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Everyone loved lucy.
You know, so funny.

Never killed a puppy.
I'll tell you that much, right??

Listen, so do you want to get together

- and talk about that joke or...
- Yeah.

- She's going to need her shots.
- Sure. Oh yeah, of course.

Um, you know, maybe...

I don't know, sometime this week
we could grab a bite.

And also, crate her at night.

- Uh-Huh, sure.
- I would love that.

Oh great, great. All right.

- I should probably get going now, but uh...
- Okay.

That's great. Wh- To- You know,
we'll make a plan

- For maybe tomorrow??
- Okay.

And don't put her in bed with you
'cause you'll never get her out.

All right, not in bed.
That's a whole lot of information.

And I'll need you to sign some papers,
fill out some forms.

I'm around all week so you
can catch me some other time.

Okay?? So, great.
Okay, let's...

Oops. How do you get it to go??

Well, she's gonna have
to be leash trained.

The best thing to do is to hold
the leash tight in your hand...

- Well. It is.
- ... and hold the leash slack.

That's all right. I'm just gonna-
I'll carry it.

It's fine. It's fine.
Okay, see you tomorrow.

Oh thanks, mickey.

Well, look what I got, huh??

- We're up again.
- Okay.

So you want to give me
that cue again for that new joke??

Oh, I'm sorry. All right, chew then cue.
All right??

I'm such a slave-Driver.
Huh, mickey??

- I'm sorry.
- Never mind.

- So, cassie says,
- Yeah.

"How can you say no
to a box of puppies??"

- And aunt sassy says...
- It's against the rules.

If i let you have a box of puppies,

I have to let old Mr. Schmidt
hang his satan flag in the window.


Oh, yeah. Paulie G.'s going
to like that one.

- Watch, that'll be the one that flies.
- Cool.

And it works for me because
everyone hates satan.

- Just- Now who's Mr. Schmidt??
- Just another tenant.

Oh right. Who cares??
As long as it's not aunt Sassy.

It's good. This is good.

You know, this is the first time
I've felt normal since I've been out here.

At Yale, when I did a play,

- The actresses and I would always collaborate...
- Nothing better. Nothing better.

- Puppy's in my purse.
- Oh, you little scamp.

- How'd you get your snifter in there??
- You let her.

All right, time for a nap.

After all, still a puppy.

All right, I'm going to go pitch
these jokes to the guys.

Listen, when in doubt, always go
to something physical. Cause I can do that.

In fact, here, I brought
in this episode of "I'm it. "

- And it's all cued to the kiss scene.
- Okay.

With Mike, he played my love interest.

- Oh, I love this scene.
- Yeah, it was a big moment

'Cause we had been fighting
our attraction for each other

- Since the series started.
- Okay.

- And it's physical.
- Oh.

Okay, jane, are you going
to be able to see this you think??

- Yeah, we'll get it.
- Okay, all right. Good.

We believe in the franklin vs. Evans case

that the judge will rule
that you're too close?!

Becky, can you honestly tell me
you don't feel anything for me??

Mike, I'm... very fond of you.

But we have a professional relationship

And i think it's best
that we keep it that way.


Okay, now if you don't mind,
i need to get a look at your briefs.

For the lawson case?!

Oh god.

What are you doing??

Are you talking to me??

Becky, come on. This is ridiculous.

I know. Normally,
my secretary does the filing.

Becky, look at me.

Oh god.

Becky, you can't leave
me here like this.

Don't worry, I'll send food and water.

Oh, what the hell.

- Wow.
- Wow.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah.

- So, see that??
- Yeah, it was like a...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

She's a tough D. A., but...
Mickey, can you pause it, please??

Even though she's a tough D. A...

Just hit- Pause it.
Can you pause it??

Just hit the button, Mickey?! Yeah, good.

All right, even though she's a tough D. A.,

I was still able to make her likable.

- Yeah.
- You know, 'cause that's what i do, you know.

- If i have the right words.
- Yeah, well.


I think lucy has some'splaining to do.

Take her.

I didn't smell that.

Puppy pooed on my pashmina.

Oh, i think it's in your hair too, valerie.

- Right where??
- Right there.

- Okay, mickey??
- Here, paper towel.

- Uh-Huh.
- Paper towel. Don't rub it.

Pat it.

Yeah yeah.

Yes?! Come in?!

- Hey, valerie?? Sorry to interrupt.
- Yeah??

Hey, Gigi, Tom and Paulie G.
are looking all over for you.

Oh my god, i had no idea it was so late.

- Is that a shit smell??
- Val?rie, I have to go.

Yeah, no worries, dear. That's okay.

Listen, if you don't mind, could you
just tell Tom and Paulie G

that is was my fault
that we were spitballing.

Spitballing's when you're
throwing ideas around.

Just tell them Gigi was with me.

Yeah, I will.

Oh gosh, look at this, Mickey.

- It's not coming out.
- Keep patting, it'll come out.

- Why can't I pull it out??
- No no.

- Because it'll go all through it.
- We have to shampoo my hair.

Okay, we can do that.
It came out, it'll come out.

All right.

Oh god. It's 3:00 in the morning.

Val?rie, I told you the puppy
does not like being in that crate.

- Well.
- The book said it could take

- Up to two weeks for them to acclimate.
- Oh.

- They miss their mothers.
- What do you want me to do??

Crawl in there and nurse it myself??

I don't know why you got a
puppy anyway, they're a lot of work.

Yeah, that's right. Everything
worthwhile is a lot of work.

- What are you doing??
- I'm going to bring the puppy into bed with us.

No, we're not allowed.

Val?rie... we can do whatever we want.

- All right, well.
- Come here.

- Calm down.
- You're being trained tomorrow.

All right, good night, marky-Mark.

- Good night.
- Good night, puppy.

- Yeah. Oh?! It happened.
- What??

- It bit it. It scratched my face.
- Where??

- Oh god, under my nose. Is it bleeding??
- No.

- Well it's wet. I feel blood.
- You're not bleeding.

You know what??
I can't- I can't risk it.

- Where are you going??
- I can't, Mark.

I gotta go somewhere else
'cause I'm shooting tomorrow.

If i stay in here, I'm gonna get mauled.

- I'll sleep in another room.
- What??

Don't take it personally, okay??

- Do you want a section??
- Oh, no thank you.

She's usually down by now.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Okay, all right.

Come on.

Puppy doesn't like the leash.

- Your script came.
- Oh, okay. Here we go.

- Can i ask you a question??
- Mm-Hmm.

What was that all about last night??

All right, let me just...

See what's going on in here, okay??

Okay, okay.

Pfft. They still haven't
changed that line.

I've never seen you like this.

Well, we haven't been together
when I've been working.

Val, I don't know. I just...

It seems a lot to go through for one joke.

It's not just one joke, mark, okay??

This is a character-defining line.

And it's not likable, and if people
don't like the character,

then she gets less and less lines

until she fades out of the show

and then "the comeback" has nothing
to shoot and I have nothing.

The little trickle becomes the grand canyon.

You know.

It's not a tough business for nothing.

Right?? Isn't that right??

Anyway, you know.

I just need to fix this and then
it's all gonna go back to normal.

It will.

- So, eggs??
- Sure.

- Wheat toast??
- White.

White, okay. Oops.

Don't know where I'm going.

Cooking with a puppy.

Oh, come here. Come here,
come here, come here.

It's not sanitary.

Oh, actually, there's Gigi. Jane??

It's Gigi. Hi, stranger.

Where have you been hiding, hmm??

- Hi.
- Hi.

So, I saw that puppy line is still
in the script. What happened??

They didn't like any of the pitches,

And I got into trouble for going up
to your dressing room, so...

If you wouldn't mind,

I really rather you didn't
even bring it up because,

Yeah, I got it. That's all right.

They don't want you connecting
with the actors. No, I get it.

Take care, doll.

Jesse wood?!

- I'll see you out there.
- Okay.

How do you feel about the joke
not changing in the script??

I'm trying to prepare, so really can't.

and last, but certainly, not least,

You loved her on the show "I'm it,"

Here she is, Valerie Cherish?!

Okay?! Places everyone?!
Scene a, apple.

Okay, that was funny.

Oh, 'cause I saved it
with "the robot", you know.

You guys are great. This is
a nice, pumped audience.

Damn, look at her puppies.

You guys are so cute,
but I'm gonna have to hide you.

I've got bartles & jaymes
and gouda up...

- Cassie??
- Aunt Sassy.

I know we're not allowed to have pets,
but how can you say no to a box of puppies??

You see a box of puppies,
I see korean barbeque.

And cut.

Okay. Now, this is what's happening.

Welcome aboard nosedive airlines.

No, that's all right. They saw it.

They're gonna...
They're gonna do something.

I want to make sure
they change it, that's all.

Anyway, believe me, it's all right.

- So, yeah, that didn't get the response...
- I think you have a better...

I think we were all hoping for.

We're working on a new joke.
Why don't you wait over on the set??

- Yeah, okay.
- So cassie says,

"How can you say no
to a box of puppies??"

And aunt Sassy says, "I don't
have time for puppies,

I gotta go club some baby seals. "

Yeah, you know, there's
another one that might work.

Gigi came up with one,
might be cute, we could use.

Yeah, what was it??

"If i let you have puppies,

Then I have to let old Mr. Schmidt
hang his satan flag. "

- What the fuck is a satan flag??
- What??


- It's a convention.
- You know what??

Go wait with the kids on the set.

- Okay, yeah.
- Thanks.

That's the flag you
have in your bed, Milo.

- Is that the one??
- If we can't come up with something...

Christine, I'm so sorry
if that joke offended you.

Why would I be offended??
I'm not korean, i'm japanese.

Sure, no. Yeah, no. I knew that.

I meant, you know,

Just didn't want to offend
any of your korean friends.

Why do you assume
I have korean friends??

Do I need powder??

- You're fine.
- Okay.

Always fine.

- Gigi, you got something??
- Yes.

Here's the new line.
And they want you to say it

Exactly like this.

Here comes "the hate show. "

You walk in and you see
the puppies licking Cassie.

And you say, "I haven't been
licked like that since 1943."

The math's a little off.
That would make me a hundred.

Um, and then they want you
to make a tiger sound.

Can you do that??

Yes, I can.

Yes, I can. Okay.

Okay, we're gonna pick it up
from Val's entrance.

Okay, going for a pick-up
from sassy's entrance.

On a bell?!

So remember, cassie has
found a box of puppies...

Scene J, apple. A, B, C camera mark.

Stand by?!


I've got bartles & jaymes
and gouda upstairs.


Aunt Sassy, I know we're not
supposed to have pets,

but how can you say no
to a box of puppies??

I haven't been licked
like that since 1943.

Cut it?! Bang bang, we're moving on?!


We're moving on, ladies and gentlemen.

That's right. We only got
a couple more scenes to do.

And in baseball we call this
the seventh-inning stretch.

And if you don't know
baseball, then it's a...

Sit-down pilates class.

Is that Paulie??

Jane, that's Paulie G.

That's Paulie G. Paulie, Paulie?! Hi.

Listen, just want to say thank you
so much for changing that line.

You know, and thinking on your feet
like that, that was, you know.

And "grrrrr"... Very fun to do, so...

Just thank you so much,
I really really enjoyed it.

Ahem, you know. Don't hate me.

Okay?? You can't hate me.

It's one joke. That's not fair, you know.

It's not who I am.
That's not who I am, you know.

I'm a team player and I'm a hard worker.

I'm the one who buys gifts
for all the crew, you know.

That's who I am,
that's who I am, so...

All right, have a good...
Have a good night.

Okay. I just wanted to thank him,

Ahem, you know, 'cause he really...

He loved that puppy killer line so much.

So, you know...

Someone works real hard,
then it's important to acknowledge it,

You know?? It's just important.

All right, I'll see you all
back at the ranch.

* I wanna be loved by you *

* just you, nobody else but you *

* i wanna be loved by you... *

* alone *

* poopoobee doo... *

I don't have the puppy.
Did you see the puppy??

Puppy?! Okay okay okay.

- It's okay, it's okay.
- I didn't even see her.

Ooh, I thought someone
had put her in the car.

That is way too close.

- You guys have to be more careful.
- Yeah, just more careful,

'Cause I thought I'd lost you, yeah.

You know, 'cause that was close.
You know, it was too close.

It really was.

Jane, do you want to take the...
Take the puppy??

- Me??
- Yeah, you love dogs, you know.

Please, take me home.

You should just take it.

He peed on me. Okay, here we go.

Does anyone have a paper towel
or napkin something??

Thanks. It's just a little bit, you know...

All right, I'll take her, I'll take her.

You will take her??
Oh, that's great news.

Okay, good. Big load
off my mind, really is.

Good, 'cause you know if I bring
this puppy dog home again tomorrow

It really will be korean
barbeque. You know??

Okay. Bye, puppy,
enjoy your new home.

All right, gang, I'll have
this dry-cleaned for you.

All right.

That's it, that makes...
I feel better about that.

Bye, puppy.

Transcript: Raceman

Synchro: Seth Cohen

www. forom. com