The Bionic Woman (1976–1978): Season 3, Episode 7 - Motorcycle Boogie - full transcript

Jaime is in West Germany on the trail of a stolen computer tape. She crosses the Iron Curtain with the help from motorcycle stunt man Evel Knievel, though she refuses to believe he is who he claims to be.


Who are you anyway?

I'm an agent for the O.S.I. Who are you?
Evel Knievel.

You're a good bike rider,
but you're not that good.

You have no chance at all of getting out.

They must not get away.

Jump it? Who do you think you are,
Evel Knievel?

Yeah. Hang on.


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I'm telling ya, it's crazy.

You just jumped over 15 cars why push it?

Hey, this is only gonna be a small jump that I'm
gonna make tonight.

It's for motorcycle safety in this country,

and they're gonna raise
over three million dollars.

I promised them I'd be there.

Safety? What about your safety?

Hey, you let me worry about that.

You know, I got a question for you.

How come you always do all the worrying when, uh,
I'm jumping for no money?


Where you going now?
I'm going to the hotel.

That's why I changed clothes.

I wanna be incognito so I can get through
that crowd out there.

PROMOTER: Yeah. - Well, you be careful.
No crazy cycle riding, huh?

Evel? Evel?


Hey, you dummkopf.

Listen, I need your help, huh?

Uh... Uh,
how do you say it?

Uh, needen helpen, ja?

No, uh, come on,
follow that car!

Oh, come on will ya?


JAIME: Come on. Step on it.
- Don't let him get away.

Hurry! Hurry!
She's catching up.

Checkpoint 43.
This is Schmidt.

We are approaching!
Open the gate!


Open the gate immediately!



SCHMIDT: They are still closing.

KGB Berghausen,
this is Schmidt. Do you read?

Berghausen, are you there?

Da, Schmidt, we read. What's wrong?
Do you have the tape?

SCHMIDT: We are almost
at the Bergen gate,

but the Americans are close behind.

We may need help.

Don't worry, Schmidt.
Help is on the way.

This is Major Petrov.

Send in air and ground support for our friend
Schmidt at the Bergen border gate.

I want to make sure that there is
a welcoming committee

if the Americans decide
to run the border.

Unit 373, proceed into Bergen gate.

Go faster! Faster! Come on.
Mach schnell! Mach schnell!

Come on, we've gotta get them before they get
to the border.

Hurry! Hurry!
Come on! Come on!

Come on!
Keep on mach schnelling.

PILOT: Air unit AP 429,
proceeding to sector five.

PETROV: Good, if they are foolish enough
to cross the border,

take some extra target practice,

and don't miss.

Understood, Major Petrov.



They went that way.

JAIME: Mach schnell!
- More mach schnell.


Oh, no!
They crossed the border.

Keep going that way, come on.

Dot vay!
Through der fencen!





Oh, goot! Good motorbiken!


Hey, Danke, my eye, lady.
We're in trouble!

You speak English.
That's terrific!

JAIME: Oh, no,
where'd they go?

Hurry up, please.
We've got to catch them.


OFFICER: Major, the Americans
got through the border.

PETROV: Are they still
behind Schmidt?

No, Major Petrov, they're headed
towards Stotsville.

All right.

All ground units, the Americans are headed
towards Stotsville.

Find them and dispose of them.

JAIME: Well, we lost them. - We're gonna have
to go into town.


Phew. Well, we got away
from the police cars,

and the computer tape
got away from us.

Sorry about that.

Oh, you speak English
very well for a German.

German, my eye.
I'm from Butte, Montana.

That's a beautiful state.

Snow White, this is Speedy.
Do you read?

Beautiful state? I'll be lucky if I ever
get to see it again.

You darn near got us killed.

Look at the bullet hole
in the mirror.

Yeah, I appreciate what you did.
I really, really do.

Snow White, this is Speedy.
Do you read me?

Snow White? Hey, you darn near
got me killed!

Those guys aren't shooting with pea shooters.

Those are real bullets.
I know.

Uh, listen, those guys
stole a computer tape.

Now, I have to get it back.

Computer tapes?
Who are you anyway?

I'm an agent for the 08!
Who are you?

Evel Knievel.

Right, I'm Jaime Bond.

Listen, you're a good bike rider,
but you're not that good.

Snow White, this is Speedy.
Do you read?

Lady, look. There's this place I have to be this
afternoon by 4:00.

Snow White? Do you read me?

This is Speedy.
Come in, please.

Lady? Listen, just give me
a minute. All right?

Snow White? This is Speedy.
Can you read?

Can you read?

Hey, come on, Snow White.
Are you there?

Got you five by five,
Speedy. This is Doc.

Snow White's been called out of town.
Where have you been?

Lady, will you please
listen to me?

They got away with the computer tape.

Now, we chased them, but...
Oh, no. Oscar's gonna hit the ceiling.

Well, I'm sorry. I feel awful
about it myself.

But it's not over yet.
I'm gonna go after it.

Now, where would they take it?

KGB Headquarters. It's the Soviet
secret service.

Okay. Where's that?

Near Berghausen,
inside East Germany.

But you're not going
in there after it.

I told Oscar I wouldn't let you do anything
too risky.

That computer tape was my responsibility
and I blew it.

Now I'm going after it.

No way. Operating behind the
Iron Curtain is too dangerous.

Well, it's a little late.
I'm already here.

Where are you?

I'm in a little town
called Stotsville,

just inside the border.

How'd you get there?

Never mind.
I got a ride. Okay?

You listen to me, young lady.

You just turn right around and get
out of there.

Well, it's gonna be a little difficult.

We attracted some attention
getting in here.

We? Who's in there with you?

Uh, there's this guy, see. He's a motorcycle
rider, and he's really very good.

He's gone.
What are you talking about?

I'll call you back.



Oh, no, you don't.


EVEL: What the...

I must be seeing things.
Have you got a twin sister?

Listen, I need your help,
Mister Whatever.

Knievel. Remember?
Evel Knievel.

Okay. You can be Evel Knievel,
you can be Gunga Din.

I don't care.
I just need your help.

Look, you little ding dong,
lam Evel Knievel.

Don't shout.

Listen, we can do this without shouting, all
right? Don't cause a scene.

Look, lady...

It's Jaime. Okay?

Jaime, like, uh,
James Bond. Right?

Jaime Bond.
It's Jaime SOMMERS.

Okay, Jaime SOMMERS. I've known you for about
15 minutes, right?

Right. So far we've come
into East Berlin,

I've been shot at with real bullets,

they almost wrecked my bike.

Well, yeah, but,
that's, you know...

Look, I risk my life, but I pick the time
and the place,

and this isn't the time or the place.

There are a lot of people back in
West Berlin

who are gonna be disappointed if I'm not
back there to perform.

Okay. Can we talk about
this while we're going?

I mean, there are some police looking for us,
you know,

and I think it'd be a good idea if we got going.
Oh, Dick Tracy.

Oh, brainstorm. Well, how do you suggest we get
back across the border?

Well, uh, carefully.
Okay? We'll be very careful,

but in the mean time, we have to get that
tape first. Okay?

What do you mean we? You got a mouse in your

Who do you think I am?
James Bond?

Listen to me.
They've got that tape.

If they decode it, they're gonna
take it to Moscow,

and as soon as they do,
they will be able to break

any of our national security codes.
Do you understand that?

Does that mean anything to you?

Well, it sounds like it could mean
life or death.

Well, it very well

could be.

For who?
- For you and me.

Get on.
- We have a deal.


JAIME: There! Into the truck.

EVEL: You gotta be kidding! I jump over trucks,
not into them.

JAIME: Do it!

Hey, very well done, sir.
Very well done.

Very well done, my eye.

I almost lost all my teeth.

You're gonna lose them again.

Come on.
Let's get out of here.

Look, we gotta start looking around here for
some clothes. All right?

You check these boxes here, huh?

For what?
For some clothes.

Things we can wear so we can disguise ourselves.

There's gotta be something here somewhere.

Now, this

is not your color.

Oh, no kidding.

Is there anything in there?

Yeah, some flowers and an old sausage stuffer.

What's in that box over there?

How about this one?

Forget that. It's locked.

Well, we'll unlock it.

Sometimes if you give these a hard yank...


Right. Now come on,
give me a hand, please.

Give you a hand?

I'd like to see where
you got that hand.

Oh, come on.


Okay. How's this?

Bonafide member of the proletariat.

Oh, beautiful. Come on.
Let's get out of here.

Hey, come here.
I found this for you.

This should be great, huh?

You're gonna love it.

Great. Who do you think I am? King Kong?

Oh, uh, wait. (SHUSHES)


What is it?
Oh, it's the cops.

I don't hear anything.
Well, come here.


Now I hear them.

Okay. What are they saying?
You understand any of it?

My grandmother Knievel
taught me a little German.

Your grandmother Knievel,
come on.

What's the radio saying?

Attention all units,
be on the lookout

for girl in red and white blouse,

and man in blue on

Something flying bicycle.

Flying bicycle?
Oh, come on.

I told you I didn't understand all of it.

Okay. What else?
Come on.

Across border.

Check identification
of anyone looking suspicious.

These two are considered degener...
Uh, dangerous.


Tot schiessen.

Tot schiessen?
What's that?

Tot schiessen in German
means don't shoot to kill

or shoot to kill.



They're coming here. They're coming here
to search the truck.

Oh. We've got to
get out of here.

Okay. All right.


She's lifting that crate
with one hand.


Okay, get the bike.

Come on. Hurry.


Now we're gonna need
some kind of identification.

Let's see if this guy's
got some.


Gotta leave this fellow
his money.

And a little something extra for the things
that we're borrowing.


This is Nicholaï Petrov at KGB Headquarters,

You may report to the Central Committee that
Herr Schmidt

has brought us the computer data
and we will

begin the decoding process immediately.

It will be on the plane to Moscow tonight.

Yes, thank you.

Oh, please...

Be sure to mention my name in the dispatches.

Yes. Petrov.

Thank you.

You have done well, Schmidt.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, is there any word on that 08! agent that was
pursuing me?

Yes. She and her motorcyclist friend
are apparently

still somewhere in East Germany.

Our patrols are on the alert for them.

Do you think that they may make
a further attempt

to recover the computer tape?

Only if they are interested in suicide.

Shall we go to work?


All right. Now,
the KGB Headquarters

should be about five kilometers
up ahead here.

So what? What are we gonna do
when we get there?

I'm not sure,

but we'll think of something.
We'll be okay, don't worry.

Yeah, "We'll be okay."
You'll be okay.

You can do anything you want to.

You can pick up a crate and throw
it at somebody.

How strong are you, anyway?

I'm strong enough.

What are we, on a picnic or something?

Why'd you bring that lunch bag along for?

Because it's gonna make you
look more like a worker, that's why.

Here, you want a bite?
Oh, get out of here.

Watch where you're going, will you?

I don't want a bite of anything.

Look, you, I told you, I gotta get back
to West Berlin.

You gotta help me. There are 50,000 people
there waiting for me.

Will you stop with this phony Evel Knievel bit,
for heaven's sake?

Look, you little dodo, I told you I was
Evel Knievel.

What have I gotta do
to convince you?


Oh, boy. Now we're both gonna get shot.

No, we're not gonna get shot. Don't panic.

Oh, man!

How do you say, you're cute in German, huh?

Du bist reitzin or something.

Just blink those beautiful big eyes
of yours at him.








Oh, boy. Now we're gonna
get shot in the back.

We're not gonna get shot in the back.
Just keep going.

I don't believe you.

Only when I'm not teaching school.

Hello, Doc, this is Speedy.
Come in. Do you read?

Yes, I read you.
Where are you now?

We're about five kilometers outside of Berghausen
on Route 2.

Now tell me exactly, where are the
KGB Headquarters?

Now you listen to me.

We've analyzed the situation and you have
a 10% chance

of ever getting in there and no chance at all
of getting out.

What did he say? Well, we're gonna
have to try anyway.

You're to turn west

when you intersect Route 77 and head
for the border.

Boy, there's a guy I could learn to like.

What was that? Go East on Route 87 and
head for Afghanistan?

RUDY: No. West on Route 77.

Jaime, listen to me.
You're coming back.


Oh, Schmidt.

Has the tape been decoded yet?

Uh, no. It will be another hour or so.

But we have just intercepted a
radio transmission

from the American agent.

She and her partner are moving in this direction
on Route 2.

Good. You have dispatched the
necessary troops?


If there is anything left of them,

have them brought to me.

RUDY: Jaime, they probably
know where you are right now.

Get out of there before they decide to do
something about it.

Listen, Rudy. Come on.

Now that's a direct order from Oscar.

I just spoke to him, Jaime.

Hello. I'm sorry,
I can't hear you.

I can't hear you.
Hey, I heard him.

Now look, you, he said we gotta
get out of here.

Now you pay attention
to your superiors.

I've got a big jump to make back
in West Berlin.

Now, come on. Hey, look, will you
get off this?

Now, I realize you must be scared to death,

because this kind of thing scares the heck
out of me, too. Okay?

But you don't have to keep pretending that
you're Evel Knievel

just because you're scared
and trying to get out of it.

Yeah, I'm pretending
I'm Evel Knievel, right!

See, I understand.

If you want to go back, just turn this thing
around and go.

I'm gonna go on by myself.
All right? Is that okay?


Hey, look, now we are in trouble.

JAIME: Here they come again. Duck!

EVEL: We've gotta find cover.

Go off in that direction.

PILOT: The Americans
are heading into the trees.

We'll have to flush them out.

JAIME: What are you stopping for?


Look at this.
I don't believe it!

Well, we've gotta go across it.

Cross it? How're we gonna
get across it?

The bridge is washed out.
Jump it!


Lookit. You keep saying you're Evel Knievel,
so jump it! Okay?

Look. We'll never make it across there.
It's too far.

Evel Knievel could make that jump.

We have them!

Evel Knievel!
I'll show you.

They're trapped at a washed out bridge.


The Americans are in the lake now. Close in.

Jaime, you okay?

Yeah. I'm all right.

Nothing I hate more than soggy boots.

Boy, I hope you're satisfied.

Look what you've done.

We just wrecked a

$3,000 motorcycle down the drink.

I knew you weren't Evel Knievel.

Hey, you, I don't make it
all the time, you know.

Yeah, sure.

Look, let's just get out of here before we
get captured. Please!

Captured. That's it.
That's perfect!

We can get captured, you know?

What are you talking
about? Have you gone crazy?

No, listen that's the easiest way we have

to get into their headquarters.

I don't wanna get into their headquarters.

If we don't, they're gonna decode that tape.

And if I don't get back
to West Berlin,

I'm not gonna be able
to perform,

and I'm gonna lose the whole motorcycle
safety program.

Perform. Perform.

It's too late now.
Oh, brother.

EVEL: Hey!

Hey, you, be careful
with that thing.

And be sure and flush
those carburetors out

with gasoline before
you try and start it.

Well, they finally fished
my bike out of the drink.

But big deal, I'm probably not even gonna have
to use it again.


What do you mean, "Shh"?
I don't hear anything.



What does that mean?

It means, uh, what's Petrov going to do
with them?

But where do you hear that?



It means, uh,
either interrogate them

and let them try and escape,

or interrogate them and shoot them

while they're trying to escape.

Oh, I bet I know which one it is.

Hey, it's not so bad.

Look. You're used to
flying bullets, helicopters,

picking up crates with one arm.

That's not my bag.

I told you.
I'm Evel Knievel.

How did I get into this mess anyway?

I want to get out of here.

Please stop with this
Evel Knievel bit.

Look, you, I told you.
I'm Evel Knievel.

I'm from Butte, Montana.
I'm a motorcycle jumper.

Once in awhile I play golf and shoot pool with my
friends and have a drink.

And when my schedule allows it,

I put on some motorcycle safety
benefit program.

But this is no motorcycle
benefit performance.

But, I mean, it could
be beneficial.

Beneficial, my eye.

It could be suicide.

Picking up some good-looking broad

You weren't even wearing a short skirt.


Good afternoon.

EVEL: What's good about it?

My name is Nicholaï Petrov,
from the KGB.

I assume you are from the O.S.I.?

Not me. I'm just along for the ride.

It doesn't really matter.

The computer tape you were after
is almost decoded.

It should be on its way to Moscow
within the hour.


Look, I got a motorcycle benefit to put on
over in West Berlin,

and it's three hours away.

Can you please help me
get out of here?

I doubt if you will make it.

Your interrogation should last at least
that long.

And then perhaps

we will shoot you while you're
trying to escape.

Oh, brother, I knew that
was gonna happen.

Lam sure you understand.

Good day.


Okay. Now, Petrov has taken one of
his guards with him.

So there's only one guard out there left.

Big deal. One guard is as bad as two.

Yeah, but at least with one guard we've got
a chance, you know?

A chance to what?

Get shot while trying to escape?

Will you start being
a little cooperative, please?


Look, I've been doing everything that you've
asked me to do

ever since we left West Berlin.

I've been shot at, I almost drowned
in the river,

and now this German Gestapo
is gonna kill me.

How did I get into this mess, anyway?

Oh, God.

You are right.

I have had absolutely no right to make you do
the things that we have done,

and I guess I was just desperate
for some help

and I can't excuse myself.

I apologize.
I'm really sorry.

Wait a minute. I know who I am
and what I am.

I really wouldn't have gone for the motorcycle
ride unless I wanted to.

Now I can't get us out of here.


We've gotta think positive,
not negative.

We can get out of here.

Come on.
We can do it.

Let's think of something.

Thank you.



JAIME: Right.
- Here we go. Jump.


That's a Luger in your back, friend.
Don't move.

Open wide.

Thank you.



What do we do now?

We take his clothes off.

Boy, I don't believe
we're doing this.

Just keep looking mean. The decoding room's gotta
be around here somewhere.

Decoding room, my eye.
Hey, I'm looking for an exit.

Well, we'll find an exit as soon as we get our
hands on that computer tape.

Computer tape?


Is he shouting at us?
Yes. He's shouting at us.

Think we better stop?

I'd like to stop,
but my legs won't let me.

Oh, come on.


Where did you tell him
we were going?

Is that it?

Yeah, that's it.
Guards and all.

How we gonna get past them?

Tell them that Petrov sent you
for the computer tape.

Do you really think they'll believe that?

Well, it's worth a try.

Boy, you gotta be crazy.
They'll never go for that.

Well, you got us past
the other guard.

Yeah, but, there was
only one of him.

So talk twice as fast. Okay?


Okay. Come on.
It's worth a try.


You're cute.














GUARD: Sweet mother of mercy!


Where's the tape?

He's got it.


You okay?

PETROV: Up the stairs.


JAIME: They're coming
up the stairs.

Okay. Get the door! Get the door!
Get the door!

The door? What door?
Look what you did to it!

The door... Oh!

Okay, come on. Get out of the way,
look out.


This is never gonna hold them. Come on.
Out the window.

Come on. You moved that computer
with one arm.

You ever considered doing auto shows?

JAIME: Okay, your bike's
right down there.

Come on. We're gonna jump.

Hey, these kinds of jumps I don't make.

Well, there's always
a first time.



Okay, it's your turn.
Come on.

My turn?

Who do you think lam? Batman?

All right, come on now.
Just climb down the building.

I'll be right here to catch you, huh?

Yeah, and I'll catch you later.


EVEL: On second thought...

PETROV: One, two, three, push!


Come on. Hurry.



Oh, man, nice going.

I thought you were gonna catch me.

Well, who do you think
lam? Johnny Bench?

Oh, brother.
Let's get out of here.

Come on. Quick.
Let's go. Get on.


Oh, come on.
Come on.

Come on baby, start.


Come on. Start.

Come on.
Get through there.







How'd you do that?

Do what?

Get it started.

I just gave us a push.

Yeah, but what kind of a push?

A very hard push.

- That is correct.

They have the computer tape and are heading toward
the border.

I want every available
unit after them,

every foot along the border guarded.

They must not get away!

JAIME: I think we're gonna be okay.

That's great.
Maybe now I'll be able

to get back in time for my benefit.

Oh, you and your benefit.
Forget it.

How far is the border?

About two kilometers.

You better hurry up, 'cause I think we're
being tailed.

I don't see anything.

Well, you're gonna.

Isn't anything ever easy?
Hang on.

There's some trees up there.
About a mile.

Maybe we can ditch them there.


Whoa! That was a close one. Too close.

JAIME: Whoo!
- That was a beautiful run.

Think we're gonna be okay.

Oh, he's not going away.

We're gonna have to make a run for the
bridge at the border.

Not that bridge.


Oh, no!

The helicopter has them trapped
in the trees.

Close in and flush them out.

They're closing in on us.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Oh, quit apologizing.
We'll get out of here.

Well, how?

That way.

JAIME: That's gotta be at least 60 feet wide.

We can't just ride right over it.

Who said anything about riding?

We're gonna jump it.

Jump it?

Yeah, well, how do we jump it?

You don't even have a ramp.

Who do you think you are?
Evel Knievel?

Yeah. Hang on.
All right.

Oh. You're crazy!

Did we make it?

Of course we made it.
That's my specialty.

Now I can get to that benefit.

Oh, benefit, benefit.

Why don't you quit pretending you're Evel


Oh, my Gosh.

Hey, listen,
you better hurry up.

You've only got about 50,000 people waiting
for you.


Probably cut crystal, huh?


Wow! Look at you.

Hi. How'd the jump go?

What do you mean, "How'd it go?"
Didn't you see it?

I couldn't. I had so much work to do,

and by the time I got here,
I just missed it. I'm sorry.

Oh, it was beautiful.
As usual.

Good. The benefit people
were happy, huh?

Well, they were. I had to apologize
for being late.

I told them I was on a ride through the
countryside with a beautiful Fraeulein.


What's on your agenda?

Are you headed back for the States tomorrow?

Yeah. Going back to being a Southern
California school teacher.

Okay, little old school teacher.

How about the things
I saw you do back there,

lifting those crates with one arm, bending
those bars apart,

and jumping out of that window like you did?

Those are things I cannot
discuss with you. I'm sorry.

Well, you can't deny it.
I saw you do it.

No, I can't deny it, but, uh,

well, it's not that big of a thing
to begin with,

and you know, I had a very bad
accident at one time,

and when my doctor put me back together,

he just made me a little stronger,
that's all.

Bad accident, huh?

I've had some bad accidents.

I've got some good doctors and they didn't
patch me up like that.

And you know, I'm not, uh, planning
on retiring just yet.

What's, uh, the name
of your doctor?

I really can't tell you.

Seriously, why don't you
give me his number?

I can't.

The next time I fall,
I'll give him a call.

I'll give him a call.