The Bionic Woman (1976–1978): Season 1, Episode 7 - Bionic Beauty - full transcript

Despite her objections, Oscar enters Jaime as a contestant in the Miss United States pageant which he thinks is being rigged. Posing as Miss California with Helen Elgin as her chaperon, ...


Oh, Jaime, be careful!

It weighs a ton.
Here, let me help you.

JAIME: No, no. It's okay.
Just give me some room.


Oh, my God.

Okay. Here we go.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's not gonna fit!

I could've told you that. I'll have Jim chop it up
when he gets home.






I've got a pie in the oven.

I'll get the door on the way out.


Oscar! What a surprise!

How are you?

Oh, I'm so messy.
I'm sorry.

I was cleaning out the fireplace and
chopping the wood.

Things like that.

You look terrific.

You know, I'll bet you used to be a
beauty contest winner.

I'll bet you were a prom queen.

Beauty queen business
never really interested me.

I'm hoping maybe,

well, I could change your mind.

For the last two days, I've been working
night and day

on a micro-computer circuit.

The part is very important to
our National Defense system.

Here one second, gone the next.
No leads.

In addition to all these problems,
I get this.

What is it?

From one of our leading agents
in Europe.

JAIME: "The next Miss United States
will be Miss Florida."

What's this supposed to mean?

I don't know.

But I've gotta get someone to find out.

What is this?

Your sash.

My... Oscar, If you think I'm gonna go in there
and parade around and...

Jaime, I can't overlook it.

I've gotta find out what this is all about.

I've gotta find out if
this beauty-contest is rigged,

and if it is,
who's on top of it,

and what does the O.S.I.
have to do with this?

Jaime, these beauty contests,

the security is incredible.
I can't send a man in.

It's got to be this way.

And since you are the most beautiful and
qualified agent in the O.S.I.,

I thought maybe you'd enjoy being

Miss California.

I hate it.
I need your help.

Have Helen come as a chaperone.

This whole thing may be nothing.

It may also be extremely dangerous.

But I can't do it. I'm involved with that
Defense Department theft.

And I've gotta have somebody who can
go in there alone

and handle the unexpected.

Oscar, look, before I put on this sash

and go in there and make a fool
out of myself,

why don't you call this agent and make
sure he wasn't joking?

I mean, this is a pretty silly message.

I can't do that.


They found this agent
this morning,

face down in the River Seine.



Oh. Oh, Jaime.

Come here quickly.
Miss California.

Do you want to put this on? You have to peel it
off at the back, you know.

May we have one of those programs?
Give me two.

Give me two.
And could we have...

Ladies? Ladies,
everybody up here, please.

We have to register to
get our room assignments!

Up to the desk, please.
Thank you.

"On her first night, Miss United States
will fly to Paris

"on her own private jet
for a goodwill tour!"

Oh, Jaime!

I'm so glad you and Oscar asked me to come along.
It's so thrilling!

Thrilling? Did you read the fine print on the
bottom of the page?

What fine print?

Oh. "No liquor of any kind,
no male visitors,

"no cigarette smoking in public,

"and no telephone calls
outside the complex

"unless approved by the Director.

"Contestants will be
supervised at all times."

Well, that's reasonable.

Reasonable? Helen, that's worse than
being in prison.

Did you see the security
down there?

Well, that's the way they
do it at all these things.

Maybe that's why Oscar asked me to come along
as your chaperone,

to show you the ropes.


Miss California.

I don't know why I could never get you
to enter a contest

when you were in high school.

Why, you just wouldn't do it!

How did Oscar ever convince you?

I still don't understand.

Well, this is a contest for
professional women, Helen.


And then the winner is picked by
a state committee,

without any kind of a pageant or
anything like that.

And I guess I came in second.

I see.

And I didn't even know about it myself
until yesterday

when Oscar told me that the winner had
come down with the flu.

And they needed a replacement. So...

So here we are!

Oh, that's so thrilling!

Oh! These hotel rooms
are so stuffy.

Need some help?




Pity they are not judging on strength.


You'll be judged on poise,

beauty, intelligence and talent.

The qualities that distinguish
an ordinary girl

from an extraordinary woman.

But as you participate
this week,

I want you to remember above all that this contest
is not a competition,

but a pageant of the loveliest women
in our country.

So, be proud,
keep your head high,

and remember that there's something
very special about you.

May the best one win.

And now, I want you to welcome someone
you already know.

Your Master of Ceremonies,

pageant Director,
they call him Mr. Smile,

Ray Raymond!


Now, isn't she something?

Now, if you've read your schedules,

you know this is gonna
be a hectic weekend.

Our first press conference starts in
just an hour and a half,

and that doesn't give us much time.

Now, you've all been assigned
in groups of five.

This is your family.

And everything you do in the pageant,
you'll do with them.

Now, let's split up, find your family,
and get acquainted.



Is anybody in Family B?

I am. Hi,
I'm Jaime SOMMERS.

Miss California. You're the replacement,
aren't you?

Yeah. Second string. We can still be
friends, huh?

Friends? There's no Miss Congeniality Award
in this contest, honey.

Well, I... Look, every girl here
wants that crown badly.

You're not gonna make friends.

Just friendly enemies.

Hello, Mr. Raymond.

Well, hello. Are you
enjoying it so far?

Oh, it's wonderful. I've met so many
new friends.


Oh, Jaime.

RAYMOND: Do we have a deal or not?

I have to let someone
know this morning.

I'm counting on it.

But you still haven't told me
what I have to do.

RAYMOND: Does it really matter?

SALLY: I'm putty in your hands.


I'll let you know what to do
when the time comes.

MAN: All Miss United States contestants backstage
for the talent taping.

Will you come for me when it's almost
my turn, Helen?




This is Raymond.

Miss Florida's set.
She'll do it.

Now, I'll be in the back of the center

while Belding's doing the bed check
around 11:00.

Don't worry.

Once she's crowned Miss United States,

everything will go like clockwork.

No one can stop us.


BRADY: Now, hold it, hold it,
hold it! Cut! Cut.

I'm sorry, Mr. Brady.

You about ready, honey?

(STAMMERING) I'm sorry.

This is the first time I've ever done it
with real fire.

Real fire?
It's her first time.

One more time from the top.

Now where's Miss California?
She's next.

The talent competition will be taped
this afternoon

to be shown on closed circuit television

during the finals tomorrow night.

This is a real electronic time saver

which will allow the girls
to catch their breath

and change from their swimsuits into their...

Cut it, Charlie. Cut it. Cut it.

All I know, Oscar, is that the pageant
is definitely rigged.

But I still don't know why.

Jaime, that's great.
Keep it up.

At least you're having some luck.

You mean you still haven't found that defense
thing you were looking for?

No, I got a call from Steve in Brussels
this morning.

He's not getting anywhere either.

But we'll just keep it up.

Oscar, did Steve ask about me at all?

He always asks about you.

How you're feeling,
are you seeing anyone.

If I'm seeing anyone?

Is he seeing someone?

No, Jaime.
Nothing serious.

You know how he feels about you.


You know, I just get
so confused sometimes

when I'm trying to sort out my feelings
about Steve.

Jaime, they want you onstage!

Miss California,
we're waiting for you!

Oscar, I gotta go now. Bye.

You're not allowed to use those phones.

You. You see that doesn't happen again.

Yes, sir. Come on!
Let's go!

Here she is.

You're going to have to be more prompt,
Miss California.

All right, Mrs. Belding.
Let's go, let's go!

And now our next contestant,

Miss California.


Thank you.

I would like to sing a song for someone
that I grew up with,

and I sure hope he gets to see it.

(SINGING) Feelings

Nothing more than feelings

Trying to forget my

Feelings of love


Rolling down on my face

Trying to forget my

Feelings of love


For all my life I'll feel it

[wish I'd never met you, boy

You'll never come again


Feelings like I've never lost you

But feelings like I'll never have you

Again in my heart


For all my life I'll feel it

[wish I'd never met you, boy

You'll never come again

Whoa, feelings

Whoa, feelings

My feelings

My feelings of love

Feelings of love

My feelings of



I wish Steve had been here.

She was talking on an outside line to
somebody named Oscar.

There's an Oscar Goldman
who works for the O.S.I.

There's also an Oscar Mayer
who makes wieners.

Probably just her boyfriend.

Yeah. Well, don't forget.

She's the only contestant
who was a runner-up.

They just kinda slid her in on us
at the last moment.

Are you suggesting she's a plant?


Jaime, will you tell me
what you're doing?

Helen, I have to follow someone.

Follow someone? Mrs. Belding will
be here in a minute.

There's a curfew.

I didn't want to have to tell you this,

but Oscar sent me here
to get some information.

It's very important and it could be dangerous.


Are you here as a spy?

I guess I never believed
that runner-up story of yours.

You always hated beauty pageants.

I have to follow Raymond now.

Mr. Raymond? Is he involved?

He was always one of my favorites.

What do I do if Mrs. Belding comes?

Well, cover for me, please.

And don't close this window.

Leave it open. Okay?

Okay. Jaime.

Be careful.


MAN 1 ON RADIO: Falcon One,
this is control.

Come in, Falcon One.

MAN 2: Falcon One here.
I'll get back to you. Out.

You're late.

For half a million dollars,
you can afford to wait.

Miss Florida hasn't changed her mind?


She's very ambitious.

Bed check.

Hi, Mrs. Belding.

Is it time for bed already?

It's 11:00.

Every contestant should be in her room.

Isn't that funny?

'Cause I could've sworn I just saw
Miss California outside.

MAN: You're not being watched?

No one's suspicious.

It's important, Raymond.

The package must be in Paris
the day after tomorrow.

RAYMOND: Just get it to me
backstage tomorrow night.

I'll give it to her.

And she'll carry it onto her private jet.

How're you gonna rig the contest?

Brady's our stage manager.

He tabulates the judges' ballots.

He and I are the only ones
who know their decision.

So I can pick any name I want.

Perfect setup.

Her own private jet, whisked through Customs
above suspicion.

Miss United States is an ideal courier.

Pull this off tomorrow, and you're on your way
to becoming a rich man.

No one deserves it more.


HELEN: Oh, Jaime,
where are you?


Who is it?

Mrs. Belding. Bed check!


Good evening,
Mrs. Belding.

Is Miss California here?

Oh, yes, she's in the shower.

I'll have her call you when she comes out.

She was late for the talent taping,
wasn't she?

I think you're right,
Mrs. Belding.

We'll wait.

Jaime, honey?

Will you hurry please?
Mrs. Belding's here.

Oh, it is getting a little chilly.

Well, I don't know what's taking her so long.

Jaime, honey,
will you please hurry up!

Mrs. Belding is getting
very impatient.

Hurry, Jaime! Hurry up.
Mrs. Belding's here!

Mrs. Belding!


She'll be out in a minute.




What was that clanking sound?

I'm sorry I kept you
waiting so long.

Well, where were you?

Well, as you can see,
I was in the shower.

(STAMMERING) I would've
come out sooner but I had to wash my hair.


You really do have lovely hair.

You know, I just love the color.

Especially when it's dry.

Thank you, Miss Florida,
you've been most helpful.

Now, where were you?

In the shower.

Don't lie to me!

You were outside.

I heard you on the fire escape.

I could swear I saw you
on the ground.

I can't afford to have a troublemaker running
around on the day of the finals.

First, you were late
for the taping, now this.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to
notify Mr. Raymond

and the judges of your misbehavior

and confine you to your room

until the pageant starts tomorrow night.


She was outside?

Are you sure,
Mrs. Belding?

Oh, no, no!

No, I think it's a good idea to keep her
in her room tomorrow.


Yes, I'll inform the judges.


You might be right.

The next time she steps outta line

will be her last time.


Good morning, ladies.

I have a couple of announcements
before we start.

B Group, Miss California will not be with us
until tonight.

All right. Let's take our places for
the opening number, huh?


Are they still out there?

Two of 'em.

Helen, I have got to talk to Oscar.

Is it important?

They'll let me out.

Oh, Helen, I can't get you
mixed up in this.

Jaime, I want to help you.

It'd be exciting.



We sent that picture
three days ago.


I don't believe this.
Hold on.

This is Goldman.
Hold on.

It's about the size of a flash cube.

That's right. A flash cube.
Falcon circuit.

F... No, no, no.
Falcon, F-A-L-C-O-N.

Right. Falcon.

I'll send it to you.
Hold on a minute.


Send this over the wire to Milan.

They don't know what it looks like.

Make sure it goes out by code.

This is Oscar Goldman speaking.

This is Helen Elgin.

Helen? Are you... What about Jaime?
Is she all right?

Oh, she's fine. She can't come
to the phone.

She wanted me to give you a message.

All right.
What is it?

Well, is it okay?

I mean, is it all right to give it to you
over the phone?

Of course it's okay, Helen.

Your secret is safe with me.

What is it?


Helen 7

Helen, what's the matter?

Uh, no, I think I better call you back.

Is there anything wrong?

No. No. I'll get right back
to you, Oscar.

Yeah. Goodbye.

Who were you talking to?

Oscar who?

Oscar Lipschitz. He's an old beau
of mine from college.

Whenever I'm in his area,
I always call him up and...

You know, you're not to be using these phones
without my approval.

You read the pageant rules?

Yes, sir.

I think you'd better spend the rest of the day
in your room

with Miss California.

You didn't tell him?

I didn't have time before Mr. Raymond
caught me.

Oscar was talking to some man about
a bird project.


Uh... Falcon.

Falcon circuit.


I've heard that.

What else did he say?

Uh, something about sending a photograph.


Wait a second.
The man in the car.

The radio called him Falcon.

He said they were gonna bring something
here tonight. What?

The Falcon thing...

That's it, Helen! That's what Oscar's
looking for!

Jaime! Jaime!

Do you know, Miss United States

is going to take Oscar's circuit to Paris!

She's gonna be the courier!

What are you talking about?

That's where they found
the agent. In Paris.

Face down in the River Seine.


I've gotta talk to Oscar.
I don't know what to do.

But how?

They won't let us out before tonight.

The five finalists are picked right off
the bat, aren't they?

Yeah, they do most of the show.

The rest is just background.

Well, it's a cinch they're not gonna pick me
for one of the finalists.

And I don't think they're gonna miss

one of the girls from the background.

ANNOUNCER: From Los Angeles, California,

Mrs. Oliver J. Belding and Belding Industries
proudly present

the Miss United States Pageant!

And now, your Master of Ceremonies,

Mr. Smile himself,
Ray Raymond!


I feel like a side of beef.
How do I look?


You know what? I really liked
my old legs better.

I think they were better.

Thank you. Good evening, and welcome
to America's only pageant

for beautiful,
professional women.

Why wait any longer?

Let's meet these wonderful ladies now,

in the bathing suit procession.

Miss Alabama!


Miss Alaska!

Miss Arizona!

Miss Arkansas!

Miss California!

Miss Florida!

Miss Hawaii!

Miss Tennessee!

Miss Texas!

Miss Utah!

The agonizing task of picking five

of these outstanding American women
to be our finalists.

I can only say that I'm very happy that
I'm not a judge.

But seeing these lovely ladies,

I am sure you can well understand

what a difficult choice it would be.

But a decision has been made.

And one of these outstanding American women

will be the new Miss United States.

May I have the envelope,
please, Mr. Brady.

Thank you.

Here are the names of our finalists.

Miss Oklahoma!


Miss Hawaii!

Miss Tennessee!

Miss Florida!

And our fifth finalist,

Miss California!

So, there you have it.
Our five beautiful finalists.

Miss Oklahoma, Miss Hawaii, Miss Tennessee, Miss
Florida and Miss California,

a dark horse candidate who made an extremely
strong showing

in the talent competition.

Now while they and the rest of the girls

are changing into their formals,

we're gonna show you taped highlights of that
talent competition.

Am I ready?

You look beautiful.
I'm so proud of you.

I've gotta go.

What? Where?

Well first, to call Oscar, and then to try to find
that computer circuit

or whatever that thing is.

Look, if they call for me,
Helen, just stall them.

Oh, again?

But they won't believe me again.

Good luck!

Oh. Jaime!


RAYMOND: And now our next contestant,

Jaime SOMMERS, Miss California.

Thank you.

I would like to sing a song for someone
that I grew up with,

and I sure hope he gets to see it.

(SINGING) Feelings

Nothing more than feelings

Trying to forget my


MAN: Hard to believe
that something that small

can be the key to the entire defense system
of the United States.

Yeah. So let's get it
to its hiding place

before anything can happen to it.

Trying to forget my

Feelings of love




All my life I'll feel it

I wish I'd never met you, boy

RAYMOND: Oh, no one's about to
look for it there.



Tomorrow it is Paris.
Have a good night.


Whoa, feelings


Look what I found.

Did she faint?

No, chloroform. It'll keep her
out a while.

Did she see anything?

Now, do you believe me?

Yeah. I believe you.

What's wrong with her?

I don't know.

She passed out. I think she's
on something.

I knew it! I knew she was trouble
the moment I saw her.

Put her out for a few more hours.

By the time she comes to,
we'll be out of the country.

What if she starts talking?

Who'll believe her?
You think Mrs. Belding

is about to let a troublemaker like her
discredit the pageant?


Steve, you're sure of your source?

Now, let me get this straight.

The Falcon circuit is coming out
of Los Angeles tonight.



Thanks, pal, keep in touch.

Maryann, I want a list of all international
flights coming out of Los Angeles.

Private and commercial.
Rush it!

Get me the airport.

This oughta hold you down.

Enough in there to keep
a horse out for a week.


She's got a hide like an armadillo.


Pete, send an x-ray team down
to the air freight terminal.

Check everything. Any hunch you have,
follow through...

Follow through on.

Get me the Ambassador Hotel.

I want to speak to Miss Jaime SOMMERS.

Get me a radio. I wanna hear this
pageant on the radio!

WOMAN: I'm sorry, Mr. Goldman,
but we are unable to locate Miss SOMMERS.

All right.
Well, keep trying.


ANNOUNCER: And now, your Master of Ceremonies,
Mr. Smile himself,

Ray Raymond!

Thank you. Thank you.
And before we continue,

I'd like to announce that Miss Jaime SOMMERS,
Miss California,

has regrettably taken ill

and will be unable to
continue with the pageant.

Get my car. We're going to
the Ambassador.


And that's my goal.
To make friends.


RAYMOND: Miss Oklahoma,
in your own words,

we would like you to tell us what your
ultimate goal in life is.

I play the saxophone
for an all-girl jazz band,

and if I could just fill the world with music,

that would be my ultimate.


RAYMOND: Well, that ends our question
and answer portion.

And now the judges will make their...

Oh, excuse me.
Look who I just found.

What a surprise!

It's our fifth finalist,
Miss California!

Let's give her a big hand.
She's a real trouper!


Now all America can keep their eyes on you.

Just step up to the microphone and give us
a big smile, can you?

You're feeling better,
Miss California?

Yes, I needed a rest.

You know, the excitement
of all of this,

just kind of snuck up and grabbed me
from behind.

Yes, I know how strenuous
these pageants can be.

But you're just in time to answer a question
for our judges.

Well, I can’t think of anything I'd rather do.


They would like to know what your
ultimate goal in life is.

Well, frankly, I'm still searching,
you know.

But a good friend of mine
by the name of Oscar Goldman

once taught me a very old Chinese proverb.

Oscar Goldman 7

I didn't realize he was a Chinese prophet.

Well, he's many things
to many people.

Anyway, the proverb is,

”As the queen flies
to Paris on her Falcon,

”so must we continue
the search for our goals. ”

Just doesn't make sense.

I certainly hope it does to someone.

Goldman to base. I want 10 backup
units immediately.


Well, thank you,
Miss California.

And now, it's time for the judges to
tabulate their vote

and vote for the new
Miss United States.

This is Oscar Goldman. I'm six blocks from
the Ambassador.

Have the backup units stand by.
I'm going in.

RAYMOND: Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.

All the months of planning,

the nominating committee meetings,
the rehearsals.

All of these seem to point
towards this magic moment.

One young lady behind me
will soon become royalty.

A queen of talent and beauty and poise.

The zenith of American womanhood.

Mr. Raymond Brady,
notary public,

has counted the judges' votes.

May I have the envelope, please.

Thank you very much.

Any idea of what we could do
to get out of this?

You just read 'em the card.
I'll take care of the rest.

Yes. Thank you.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I have here the results
of the judges' decision.

Who will be Miss United States?

First, our fourth runner-up,

Miss Tennessee!

The third runner-up,

Miss Hawaii!


Goldman to backup units.
Surround the building.

Exercise extreme caution. I don't want anybody
to get hurt.

The second runner-up,

Miss Oklahoma.

What? I got a place where
you can see a little better.

Oh, that's very nice of you.

RAYMOND: Now, the next name I announce will be
the first runner-up.

In the event that Miss United States
becomes ill,

or for any reason cannot discharge
her duties,

the first runner-up will take her place.

The first runner-up, Miss...

Florida, Sally Bartell.

Jaime SOMMERS, Miss California,

is the new Miss United States!



Isn't she wonderful,
ladies and gentlemen?

Tears streaming down her face,

Jaime SOMMERS has to be
the happiest person alive.

Look in the wings.

Now, do as you're told,
and she'll stay alive.

Make one bad move,

glance at anybody in the audience,

and she's a dead woman.
You understand?



Miss United States!

Go out and meet your public!


You've come a long way, woman

It's been a hard pull, ma'am

But you're our Miss United States, lady

Come take your place
beside Uncle Sam


Do you hear me?

Is the Falcon circuit here?

Do you know where it is?

Are you having any trouble?


You've come a long way, woman

It's been a hard pull, ma'am


Do you want me to move in?

But you're our Miss United States, lady

Come take your place
beside Uncle Sam

All right now, move quickly
and quietly.

There's a car waiting
in the garage.



Come on.
Get up. Get up!

You've got me. Why don't you
let her go?

Look, I'll take that now.

The car's over there.
Let's go.


I wanna talk to you!

You promised me that crown!



Sally, get outta here!




Okay. Out! Get out!


Jaime, are you all right?

Yeah. I'm not much of a beauty queen
though, am I?

Oh, you've never looked prettier.

The circuit, have you got
the circuit?

I think so.

I don't think that Ray Raymond's

going to risk his neck
for a rhinestone wand.



And all this time I thought you were
just a pretty face.

Oscar, I'm Miss United States!



JAIME: Sally? I've been looking
all over for you.

Sally, are you all right?

I feel so ashamed.

Jaime, you know,

I never realized how selfish I was,

until I almost sold out myself,

and my country for a beauty pageant.

What kind of a person
does that make me?

Hopefully, somebody who can learn
from their mistakes.

Look, I found this.

Thought you might like to see it.
What is it?

It's the final ballot. They found it in
Brady's pocket.

You mean I won?

Fair and square.
You didn't even need them.

Here. I think this belongs to you.

I can't take this.

Not after what I've done.

That's true.


Besides, next to the crown you just gave yourself,
it looks pretty tacky.

Let's get outta here.