The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 8 - The Mystery Date Observation - full transcript

Sheldon, Howard and Raj post an ad online to find a new girlfriend for Sheldon. Penny and Bernadette decide to spy when Amy is secretive about who she is dating.

on The Big Bang Theory...

There's no point in dwelling on it.
As the Vulcans say,

ha'kiv na'ish Du stau."

Do you know what that means?

Are you telling the truth?


This is ridiculous... being upset
about Amy all the time

isn't accomplishing anything.

If I want to resolve
this situation,

then I need to take action.

What are you gonna do?
I'm going to find her

and ask her to marry me.

And if she says yes,

we can put this behind us
and resume our relationship.

And if she says no...

well, then she
can just ponfo miran.

He didn't mean that.

I think it's so adorable you're
making Sheldon breakfast.

Well, he's having
a rough time.

Amy broke his heart,

the DVR cut off the last minute
of Doctor Who...

that crow followed him home.

Aren't you worried you're making
French toast on oatmeal day?

Ah, well, what's this?
A pot of oatmeal?

Or, thanks to you, what
I will now call "gloatmeal."

Oh, I don't want credit
for that.

Oh, Dr. and Mrs. Hofstadter,

lovely to see you
this fine morning.

You're in a good mood.

Yeah, I am indeed.

I have decided,

instead of wallowing
in sadness about Amy,

it is time that I find myself
a new female companion.

Oh. Good for you.

What brought this on?

I realized something...
when Amy was in my life,

I was hyper-focused on my work
and ignored her.

And you don't want

to make the same mistake
with the next woman.

No, I need a new woman
in my life to ignore

so I can hyper-focus
on my work again.

Hey, I made
French toast sticks.

On oatmeal day?

Ah, I also made oatmeal.

that's a lot of carbohydrates
for a man on the prowl.

You know what?
You eat it; you're married...

it doesn't matter
what you look like.

Don't take advice from a man
who threw his shoe at a crow.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 9x08 ♪
The Mystery Date Observation
Original Air Date on Novembe

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Thank you for coming by,

No problem.
So what's up?

Well, it was the two of you who
found Amy Farrah Fowler for me.

Now that I'm looking
for my next girlfriend,

it seemed only logical that I
employ your services once again.

Y-You sure you're up for that?
She did hurt you.

Oh, no, it's all right.
I think of my time with Amy

as a stick of Fruit Stripe gum:
sweet and enjoyable at first,

but ultimately
a flavorless lump of sadness.

You're not wrong
about Fruit Stripe.

I-I was always
a Hubba Bubba man. Mm.

Hubba Bubba over Dubble Bubble?
You're crazy.

Hey, the jaw wants
what it wants.


Oh, right, uh, girlfriend. Okay.

But what are you
looking for?

All I'm looking for

is an educated, intelligent
woman who shares my interests

while retaining
her own unique point of view.

She should be kind,


and most important,

unable to imagine life
without me by 10:00 tonight.

Isn't that
a little unreasonable?

All right, fine,
she doesn't need

her own point of view.
Now, chop-chop.

Come on, Amy,
show us the dress.


But I'm really stepping outside
of my comfort zone here.


I don't think any of your
comfort zones are showing.


it's your third date... maybe
you could go more sexy.

Well, some people think
the sexiest organ is the brain.

No one ever bought me drinks
at a bar

because my brain
just popped out of my shirt.

Do you have any heels
higher than this?

He's pretty tall.

Ooh, tall!

Finally some details
about this mystery man.

Yeah, come on,
tell us more.

Well, I told you his name
and that he's tall.

What more do you need?

Did you kiss him yet?

Just a little peck on the lips.

(both squeal)

Well, we're your best friends...
give us one more detail

and we promise
we'll leave you alone.

Fine. Um...

he's British.

(both squeal)

All right, that is a juicy one.

All right, where is
Tall British Dave taking you?

Tea and basketball?

To that new Italian place
on Walnut.

Oh, nice.

I'm gonna go look for other shoes.
Good luck.

I threw out all my tall ones
when I married Leonard.

Hey, you want

to swing by that place tonight
and get a look at this guy?

We don't even know what time
they're gonna be there.

I'll just call the restaurant,

pretend I'm Amy
and check the reservation.

Damn, you're sneaky.

Yeah, but I'm little,
so it's adorable.

I think the quickest way
to find you a new girlfriend

is just to get you on every
dating Web site out there.

Are you sure?

I've heard that on those
sites, often when you think

you're corresponding with someone,
it's actually a computer program

pretending to be
a real person.

And you're afraid
it'll do a better job than you?

Excuse me.

No one does a better job

pretending to be a person
than I do.

Siri comes close,
but I know more jokes.

If you don't want to
use dating Web sites,

what do you suggest?

Off the top of my head?
Uh, prospective women

weed themselves out
in a battle of wits

until only one champion remains,

she shows up at my door flush
with the thrill of victory,

and then sits quietly by my side
while I watch Daredevil.

You seriously think women
would fight for you?

People compete for jobs
and trophies... why not me?

He's right... he knows
a lot of jokes.

Yeah... no, but it is
basic human nature.

If we present him as a prize,
maybe they would.

Well, he's smart,

he's a respected

And I have
the soulful eyes of a cow.

I don't know
if I'd say you...


I have an idea.

What if we put a post
on Craigslist that says:

"World-class Caltech physicist
seeking girlfriend.

"If interested,

solve the following puzzles
for a chance to meet him."

Oh, we'll make the puzzles
extremely challenging

to eliminate
unworthy candidates.

Oh, we could set it up
like a scavenger hunt where

the last puzzle gives the winner
Sheldon's contact information.

Well, this is actually an
interesting social experiment.

I'm a little jealous of the
people who get to do it.

Me, too.

And we've seen the prize.

I don't understand why we're
leaving so early for the movie.

Oh, I forgot to tell you...
we're gonna meet up

with Bernadette to spy
on Amy and her date.


I don't want to do that.

What, and you think I
want to see a documentary

about aluminum can

This is the movie

Big Soda doesn't
want you to see.

No, it's the movie your wife
doesn't want you to see.

So you're actually okay

with invading
your friend's privacy?

You're not curious
who she's out with?

Not really.

But you're curious
about aluminum cans.

You're a weird
little guy.

That's it. The Sheldon Cooper
Girlfriend Challenge

is officially live.

This is exciting.

Right now,

somewhere, a woman
is dividing the atomic weight

of the best noble gas
by the number of colors

in the oldest national flag still in use...
Then using

that number as the average speed
to calculate the travel time

from Mordor to the Shire.

taking her first step
towards a lifetime

of laughter,
love and, best of all, rules.

I-I hope we didn't make
the puzzles too hard.

Well... if she can solve them,
it'll prove she's intelligent,

tenacious and...
so socially awkward

she has nothing better to do
on a Saturday night.

Golly, she sounds
too good to be true.

This is fun.
I haven't dated much

since my divorce.

Well, I'm having
a good time, too.

If you don't mind me asking, why
did you and your wife split up?

Oh, you know how it is...
we wanted different things.

I wanted children,

and she wanted a pastry chef
named Jean-Philippe.

Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry.

No, it's-it's fine.
It's why I left England.

It reminded me
too much of her.

Cold, gloomy and easily accessed
by a Frenchman through a tunnel.

Hey. So, where are they?

Across the street,
in the left window.

Oh, damn it,

we should have brought

Right here.

We just happen to have those
in the car?

Kinda. Before I met Howie,

I liked to keep close tabs
on my boyfriends.

By stalking them?

No. Stalkers
are creepy.

I'm just a harmless little girl

with military-grade
spy equipment.

Oh, there he is.

He's cute, right?

Can I see?

What, now you're interested?
You didn't even want to come.

I know, but you guys make being
a crappy friend look fun.


Yeah, okay, I see him.

It looks like
they're having a nice time.

I wish I could hear
what they're saying.

Yeah, I should've brought

my parabolic microphone.

Your what?
Nothing. Not important.

So you've never
been married?

No. I mean,
to be completely honest, I've...

I've only been
in one long-term relationship.

Oh. What happened with that?

That's a good question.

After five years,

it was just feeling like
more work than it should be.

Oh, that's too bad.

Was he a neurobiologist
like you?

No. He's a theoretical physicist

at Caltech.

I love teaching math, but
that would be my dream job.

What's his focus?

Um... used to be string theory,
now it's dark matter.

But... let's
not discuss Sheldon.

Let's get back to you.

Wait, you're not talking
about Dr. Sheldon Cooper?

I'm trying not to.

Do you know him?

No, but I've followed
his work for years.

He's a rock star.

You've got to
tell me about him.

What's he like?

(door opens)
He really seems into her.

I took a video.

I forgot how much
fun this is.

Okay, we saw them.

Can we go catch the movie?

(Penny sighs)
Why'd you bring him?

I had to; we're married now.

Ugh, I hear that.

I'm sorry, just one more
question about Sheldon.

Sure, why not?

It's more of a four-part
question, really.

When he wrote his paper on
supersingular prime numbers,

how long did it take?

Um... about an hour and half.


I mean, wow!

And you were
there to see it?

Yes. Yep. We were on a date.

Very much like this one.

I doubt it was
like this one.

I mean, he's a genius, and
I wasn't even smart enough

to figure out why my wife
always smelled of croissants.

What was the rest
of your question?

Do you think you could
introduce me to him?


You-you want me to introduce you
to my ex-boyfriend?

You're right,
it's-it's weird.

No, wait. Do it.

No. I changed my mind.

I'd be too nervous.

Oh! I don't know
what to do.

Are we gonna be much longer?

I really have
to go to the bathroom.

Right here.

37 minutes left
until the deadline.

Someone will show.

And no matter what happens,
this is still a fun experiment.

Not as fun as the night we
blew up grapes in the microwave.

We really have led full lives.

Someone will show.

Maybe you don't want

someone exactly like you.

You know what they say:
opposites attract.

Well, by that logic,

I should be with someone short,
dull and needy, eh?

Not to cast aspersions,

but I can't shake a stick around
here without hitting that.

You know, I once
drove 500 miles

to hear him speak
at Stanford.

I have a DVD of that lecture.

Really? Wasn't it great?

Not as a Valentine's
present, no.

Well, the next time
you watch it,

I'm the bloke who
asked the question

that he said was
stupid and obvious.

It was the nicest thing
he said to anyone there.

That's, um, terrific.

Listen, I'm-I'm kind of tired.
Can we call it a night?

Oh, gosh. Sorry,
I've just spent the whole night

talking about your ex-boyfriend.

I'm such an idiot.

No, you're not.

Well, maybe not an idiot,
but certainly not as smart as...

someone we won't mention.

Thank you.
But you said

you might introduce me to him...
I'm free on Thursday.

Hey, hey,
they're leaving.

What? Here,
give me, give me.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
they're coming right towards us.

We got to get out of here.
Okay. Well, wait, what about Leonard?

He and his tiny bladder
can take the bus!

(starts engine)

(both gasp)

Oh, no!

(turns off engine)

She just hit my car!

What are you guys
doing here?

Oh! Hey, Ames!
What are you doing here?

What happened?


Aren't you
Leonard Hofstadter?


I saw you speak at Stanford
with Sheldon Cooper!

Amy, can you believe it?
It's Dr. Leonard Hofstadter!

No. Pinch me.

It's an absolute pleasure to meet you.
Can I shake your hand?

I don't know if you want
to do that... I was just...

Okay, never mind.

Amy, I'm never washing
this hand again.

You really should.

60 seconds.

This is not looking good.

One minute is
a long time.

I've been telling women that
for 20 years.

45 seconds is

plenty of time for a woman
to walk through that door

and fall in love with me.

You know, probably half that
if I break out the old cow eyes.

30 seconds.


What if it's Jennifer Lawrence?


Oh, that last Hunger Games
was not my cup of tea.

You thought she was great
in X-Men.

Oh, fine... I won't shut my heart

to the love
of Jennifer Lawrence.

Guys, 15 seconds.
Maybe she's waiting to show up

at the last possible moment.

Sounds like a drama queen.

Oh, no.
It is Jennifer Lawrence.






That's too bad.

Maybe we did make the test
too difficult.

I don't think it matters.
Look, Sheldon,

I believe when the time is right
for you to meet someone,

it'll just happen.

Okay? Not because of
a test or a Web site,

but because...

We are the dreamers of dreams!

It's an actual girl,
and she's really pretty.

Answer it!

All right.

Can I help you?

Um, a-are you the physicist that
placed the ad on Craigslist?


Hi. I'm Vanessa Bennett.

Sorry it took a while
for me to get here.

I was stuck in this
boring symposium

on atomic spectroscopy
when I came across your ad,

and it saved my night.

The puzzles were...
were really fun.

I've never had
to translate Klingon

into ancient Sanskrit before.


careful, hmm, it's addictive.

Chija''e'vlKub je.

Or, as they say
in Sanskrit...

Ahm asman matey-bee

And just like that, you're
a Klingon-Sanskrit junkie.

Anyway, I-I just... I knew
I had to meet the person

responsible for such
a brilliant idea.

And I don't need to tell you,
there aren't a lot of men

who love physics, archaic languages
and flags of the world.

I am a bit of a unicorn.

Well, you certainly seem

like a special lady,
uh, but as you know,

you missed the deadline,
so thanks for playing.

How could you
send her away?!

She was late.


she found
atomic spectroscopy boring.

Well, I wouldn't coitus her
with your genitals.

Uh, thanks
for driving me home.

No problem.

I'm really sorry about your car.

Oh, it's all right.

If you're free next weekend,
I'd love to take you out again.

Um... listen,
you're a really nice guy,

but I just... I don't think
this is working out.

Oh. Okay.

(sighs): I'm...

I'm really sorry.

No, it's...
at least the same woman

that rejected Sheldon Cooper
rejected me.

There you go.
(awkward chuckle)

If I ever do meet him,
we'll have that in common.

Sure. Heh.

And... he's kissed you
and I've kissed you,

so if you think about it...
Okay, get out.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==