The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 3 - The Bachelor Party Corrosion - full transcript

The guys's skills are put to the test when they get a flat tire on the way to Mexico for Leonard's bachelor party. The girls throw Penny a mini-bachelorette party.

Would you pass
the mustard?


Hey, want to hear
a fun fact about mustard?

Is it that the glucosinolates
which give mustard its flavor

were evolved
by the cabbage family

as a chemical defense
against caterpillars?


Well, that was fun.

Good for you, Leonard.

Hey, there.

Hey, you're early.

The movie doesn't start
for an hour.

Actually, we're not
going to the movies.

We are here to kidnap you.

What are you talking about?

Well, you eloped and
we didn't get a chance

to throw you
a bachelor party,

so there's
a van downstairs

and we're here
to take you

to a surprise location
for the weekend.

Well, I'd hardly
call this kidnapping.

Where's the blindfold?

Where's the duct tape?

Where's the part

where you call me
and demand ransom

and I try to keep you
on the phone,

but you hang up
seconds before I can trace it

and then I say, "I'm getting
too old for this crud"?

When do we leave?

Right now.

Yeah, Penny packed
you a bag.

Wow, okay.

You're seriously going to get
in a van and let these two

take you
to an unknown destination

for an entire weekend?

Oh, not just him;
you're coming, too.

Oh, and how do you think you're
going to get me to do that?

Unhand me!

This is ridiculous!

I told you to put tape
on his mouth!

And I told you he bit me!

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

It's bad enough I'm being taken

against my will.

I don't see why it has to be in

some hippie's
mobile sex dungeon.

Well, Sheldon,
there's something about this van

that you're going to find
very interesting.

It runs on syphilis?

This van was owned
and driven by your personal

physics hero...

Richard Feynman.


A buddy of mine
let me borrow it.

This was Feynman's van?

That's so cool.

Yeah, nothing's been changed
since he drove it.

I bet he picked up a lot of cute
grad students in this bad boy.

Yeah, and talked about physics
with them!


So, are you gonna give us
a clue where we're headed?

Uh, okay, let's see...

They've got spicy food

and there's a chance
you'll get diarrhea.


We can drive there.

Your house?

We are going
to Meh-he-co!

Fun, I've never been there!

Leonard, don't be fooled!

I'm from Texas--

Meh-he-co is Spanish for Mexico.

What's wrong with Mexico?

Uh, mariachi bands, wild dogs,

beans that jump around
'cause there's a worm inside.

Okay, calm down.

There's a theme
to this weekend.

We are going to Mexico
in Feynman's van

to stay at the vacation house
Feynman bought

with the money
from his Nobel Prize.

¡Viva la Imodium!


Come on, Leonard's
doing bachelor stuff.

You sure we can't take
you to a strip club?

Nah, if I want to see
a naked dancing man,

I just flush the toilet
while Leonard's in the shower.



I know we're not making a fuss,

but in the spirit
of bachelorette parties,

I made cookies in the
shape of male genitals.

You really
didn't have to...


That is anatomic.

Thank you.

The veins are gummy worms.

Oh, look,

Jewish and gentile.

I had extra dough.

(phone chimes)

Oh, that's Leonard.

He said they're about
to cross the border.

I hope the boys don't get
too crazy in Mexico.

Oh, yeah, right.
Lock up your daughters

or Sheldon might
lecture them

about the North American
Free Trade Agreement.

Boy, that was
a long night for me.


According to this
Mexican Customs Web site,

visitors may not bring
more than five laser discs,

20 compact discs

or 12 VHS tapes.

We don't have
any of those.

How can you be sure?

VHS was king
when Feynman drove this van.

For all we know,
there are hidden compartments

lousy with Jane Fonda
workout videos.

If there was
a hidden compartment,

don't you think you'd be
stuffed in it by now?

Are we all up to date on our
yellow fever inoculations?

You don't need a yellow fever
shot to go to Mexico.

You can never be too careful.

I got one last year
before I went to Epcot.

So, Penny,
how's married life?

Oh, it's good.

I just wish Leonard
would work up the courage

to tell Sheldon
he's moving in here.

You guys still aren't
living together?

We are. I mean, he sleeps here.

But it's only a matter of time

before Sheldon has a bad dream

and tries to climb into bed

with the Leonard-shaped
pile of pillows.

Speaking of Sheldon,

how's single life treating you?

Fine, I guess.

I've been focusing on me.

I was thinking about
changing my wardrobe.

Good for you!

But then I decided I don't want
to go changing who I am

just because of some man.

Good for you.

You know, it is normal

to want to change your
look after a breakup.

Actually, I was thinking
of making one small change.

Your sweater?
Your glasses?

Your hair?
Your shoes!

Piercing my ears.


You really never
had that done?

My mom said pierced ears

were for whores,
pirates and genies.

Okay, well, you're
a grown woman now.

I know, but Sheldon
had this clause

in the Relationship Agreement

forbidding cosmetic surgery

unless it's to look
like a Klingon.

We'll take you to the
mall to get it done.

Why? I can do it
right here.


You have a piercing gun?

All you need is a needle
and an ice cube.

I've done it, like,
a dozen times.

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, come on.
I'll be gentle.

Let me take your ear virginity.

This party's weird.

Hey, watch your speed.

I hear the Mexican police
target tourists.

Oh, not a problem.

If anything goes down,

we just put Koothrappali
in the driver's seat

and slap a sombrero
on his head.

Dude, how many races can you
offend in a single breath?

I don't know.

Have you watched
the Olympics with me?

Sheldon, can you believe
that we're driving in a van

that was owned by one of
the greatest scientific minds

of the 20th century?

It's like the Batmobile.

If Batman was real

and a physicist

and his car wasn't cool.

It is extraordinary.

Perhaps some of his mojo
will rub off on us.

Maybe between this
and his beach house,

we will be inspired
to greatness.

I usually don't put too much
stock in charms and talismans.

However, even I must admit

feeling Richard Feynman's

butt dent cupping
my own bottom...

that does get
the creative juices flowing.

Hey, I have to return this van.

Keep your creative juices
in your pants.

(bang and hiss)

What was that?

I think it's a tire.

What if it's banditos
shooting at us?

What if we get kidnapped?

What if we end up in a factory
making Bart Simpson piñatas

for the rest of our lives?!

It's the tire.



I am getting too old
for this crud.

Amy, I noticed
your status still says

"in a relationship"
on Facebook.

You're right.

I should probably let
all of my Facebook friends know.

Penny, I'm no longer
in a relationship.

Did you change yours
to "married" yet?

Uh, no, not yet.

There's still a few people
I haven't told personally.


Oh, just my parents

and my entire family.
(clears throat)



Well, I don't want
to hurt my dad.

You know, he always wanted

to dance with his daughter
at her wedding.

What about
your sister's wedding?

They started to,
then her water broke.

You know, if he finds out
we eloped,

it's gonna break his heart.

How long do you think
you can keep it from him?

Yeah, isn't it gonna get
worse the longer you wait?

Well, not necessarily.

You know,
Dad's not getting any younger,

so if I wait long enough,

I'll just tell him
he walked me down the aisle

and it was magical.

When did you learn
how to change a tire?

Every self-respecting gentleman
should know how

in case he comes across
a damsel in distress

by the side of the road.

If I see one scorpion,

I am getting
on someone's shoulders

and never coming down.

And there's your damsel.

Wow, this one's really stuck.

Are you turning
it the right way?


I took the other four off

and when I got to this one,
I thought,

"You know, I'm in a rut.
Let's shake things up."

Here, let me try.


You're right, it doesn't turn
the other way.

There you go.

You're all done!

That wasn't so bad.

(inhales delightedly)


Boy, if my mom could see me now,

she'd lock me in the sin closet.

That's a joke, right?

Actually, the joke was on her.

I could still see the TV
through the slats.

I'm starting to see

why you and your mom
aren't very close.

Bet she'd still tell her

if she got married.

You're not gonna
let this go, are you?

Well, it's kind of sad
that they don't know.

I mean, they love Leonard.

Fine, you want
me to call?

I'll call.


Why am I so nervous?

It's understandable.

Amy was afraid to tell her mom
she broke up with Sheldon.

How did it go?

Did she make you crawl

into the breaking-up drawer?

Uh, well, actually,
to be honest...

I-I haven't told her yet.

You've been giving me
a hard time

and you haven't even told
your mom about Sheldon?

I'm feeling a little dizzy
from all the blood loss.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Fine. I'm calling home,

but when I'm done,
you're calling your mother.

Easy for you to say.

You never had to watch
60 Minutes like this.

Hey, Daddy.

Hey, slugger.

How's my girl?

Uh, good. Is Mom around?

Ah, she took your brother out
to celebrate.

He just got his tenth
one-month sober chip.

Yeah, she's gonna make him
a little necklace.

Okay, I'll talk to her later.

Uh, Dad, there's something
I need to tell you.

Leonard and I got married.

You did?


Last week. I'm sorry,
I should've told you.

It was a spur
of the moment thing.

I feel terrible.

Please don't be
too disappointed.

Are you happy?


Leonard is so great.

Well, then I'm happy for you.

Aw, thank you, Daddy.

That means so much.

Well, I understand it's hard

to tell someone something

if you think
it's gonna upset 'em.

It is.

You're the best dad ever.

Yeah. Uh, hold that thought.

I've been sitting
on a little news myself.

Well, what is it?

You know that rototiller
I got for the tractor?


Oh, you should see it.

It is a beautiful
piece of machinery.

Anyway, uh...

I backed over
your pet pig with it.


Yeah, he's, uh,
not dancing anymore.

You killed my pig?

I did not kill him.

The vet took care of that.


Oh... ten, 12 months ago.

You didn't tell me for a year?!

Well, apple doesn't fall far
from the tree, does it?

Love ya, slugger.

Gotta go!

Okay, Amy, your turn.


(breathing rhythmically)

What are you doing?

It's called Lamaze breathing.

It helps you push.


He's pushing
with his uterus.

There's got to be a smarter way
of removing it.

Yeah, this is nothing more
than a physics problem.


Archimedes once said,

"Give me a 'leever' long enough

"and a fulcrum
on which to place it,

and I shall move the world."

Of course.

All we need is to find stuff

to make a "leever" big
enough to fix this.


I'll bet there's
something around here

that could
be a "lehver."

Let's see, a "lehver,"
a "lehver"...

Everybody hold on!

Let's take this problem
one step at a time.

First, we need to decide

whether we're calling it
leever or lehver.

And the sooner
we decide it's leever,

the sooner we can roll up
our sleeves-- not slehves--

and get to work.

We're gonna be here

Thanks a lot, guys.

What did we do?

Before I made that call,

my pig was alive and happy

and rolling around in the mud.

Now he's illegally buried
in our backyard

next to my great-grandmother.


They didn't eat him?


He was a beloved member
of the family.

The breakfast meat family?

It's not funny.

You're up.
Call your mother.

Oh, maybe later.

Your pig dying
made me sad.

And a little hungry.

Phone, now.

Okay. Okay.


Hi, Mom.

Try dialing.

You saw that, huh?

Hi, Mom. How are you doing?

Oh, good.

How's work?

That's nice.

I'm fine.

Hey, listen,
I've been meaning to ask,

how come Aunt Doe and
Aunt Florence never got along?

Okay, just...
give me that.

Amy broke up with Sheldon,

she got her ears pierced

and she made us
eat penis cookies!

Hang on.

She wants to talk to you.

I don't think
the lever's working.

What makes you say that?

There's gotta be
something else we can try.

If this was Star Trek,

we could use a phaser
to blast it off.

No, it's too
broad of a beam.

You'd need something
more precise,

like Superman's heat vision.

Ooh, the Green
Lantern's ring

could make a big green
hand that unscrews it.

If you need
a green hand,

why not just
use the Hulk?

Oh, please, the Hulk
would never get

across the border
with that temper.

Guys, excuse me,

not that calling
one of the Avengers

isn't a perfectly
reasonable choice,

but we're

Don't you think we
can figure this out

using actual science?

Yes, we could
use science.

But it's your
bachelor party.

Lighten up.

(slow, measured tapping)

♪ We will ♪

♪ We will
percussive shock you ♪

♪ We will ♪

♪ We will
percussive shock you ♪

♪ Buddy you're a boy ♪

♪ Make a big noise ♪

♪ Playin' in the street ♪

♪ Gonna be a big man someday ♪

♪ You got mud on your face,
you big disgrace ♪

♪ Kickin' your can
all over the place. ♪

I have an eidetic memory.

Sometimes it's a curse.

(match strikes)

I had no idea

tortilla chips were
such a good fuel source.

They're basically pure
hydrocarbons soaked in fat.

Let's hope the lug nut expands.

What if that burning
food attracts animals?

We have plenty of food
for the animals.

We do?

A six-foot wiener
in a Flash T-shirt.

That's not very nice.

It's a bachelor party.
Lighten up.

(electric crackling)

What is that awful smell?

It's burning salsa.

I'm hoping the acidity
and salinity

combined with electricity
will corrode the lug nut off.

What an innovative solution.

Perhaps I don't give your
MIT education enough credit.

Yeah, I saw it on Mythbusters.

(metal scraping metal)

All right, this rust,

combined with the aluminum
recovered from the van,

is now thermite.


Couple pinches
ought to do the trick.

Is that enough
to melt the lug nut?

Well, let's start small.

We can always add more.

You put up a good fight,
lug nut,

but you've met your match.

Hey, look!

The lug nut's off.


What are you
doing back?

We got a flat

and couldn't get
the tire off.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

If it makes you feel any better,

I pierced Amy's ears

and her mom made her sit
in my closet.

We blew up Feynman's van.

My dad killed my pig
with his tractor.

I spent the night
in Mexico with Sheldon.

You win.