The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 13 - The Empathy Optimization - full transcript

After being forced to deal with a sick Sheldon, the rest of the gang try to treat themselves to a Sheldon-free weekend.

Hey, so I saw a movie trailer
the other day.

How could Batman
possibly fight Superman?

I mean, isn't that dumb?

Maybe he uses Kryptonite.

Well, Batman's got
a lot of money.

Maybe he builds a suit that can
do everything Superman can do.

No, no, no, no, no.

I've seen that movie.
It's called Iron Man.

What is happening?

I don't know.

But it's beautiful.

And now Ben Affleck
is Batman?

Oh, he was great in
Shakespeare in Love.

Ooh, we should watch that
next girls' night.

We could do a double feature

with the Leonardo DiCaprio
Romeo + Juliet.

Oh, I love me some Leo.

And it's gone.

Oh, hello, everyone.

I am happy to report
I'm feeling much better.

Good for you.

My fever is gone,
my sinuses are pressure-free,

and my mucus is as clear
as a Yosemite waterfall.

Glad to hear it.

I'll be able to return
to work tomorrow.


Well, why isn't
everyone happy?

Your little ray of sunshine
is ready to beam again.

You really don't know why?

But I knew that his “yay”
was sarcastic.

Not bad for a guy
whose last bowel movement

sounded like rain on a roof.

Let me refresh your memory.


rub Vicks on my chest.

Sheldon, I cooked you breakfast.

I made your bed.

I checked your mouth for thrush.

You can rub your own chest.

Oh, sure, grope every other
male on the planet,

but draw the line with me.

I brought you a little
care package from work.

It's our latest

and the best decongestant
we make.

I hope laughter
is the best medicine,

'cause this care package
is a joke.

Hey, she came
all the way here...

You're gonna want
to take these with food.

stop being a baby

and let Emily
take a look at you.

She's a

I went to medical school.

Well, in that case,
try removing

the irritating
patch of brown skin

standing next to you.

All right, here you go.

Leonard, I'm dying.

You're not dying.
It's just the flu.

I asked for chicken noodle.

This is chicken and stars.
It's killing me.

I never did get
that chicken noodle, did I?

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 9x13 ♪
The Empathy Optimization
Original Air Date on January 14,

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Hi, Sheldon.


Are you feeling any better?

Physically, yes, but I'm upset

because everyone's mad at me
for no good reason.

Why don't you tell me
what happened,

and in a gentle, loving way,

I'll explain to you
why you're wrong.

You know how, when you're sick,

you're allowed to be cranky
and say whatever you want

and other people's feelings
don't matter?

Ooh. Gentle and loving--
this is gonna be tricky.

I had a 101 fever.

If that's not a time to verbally
abuse my loved ones, when is?

Sheldon, when you're sick,
you can be... unbearable.

That's why your friends
have been known

to work late
or sneak out to the movies

or stay at
a neurobiology conference

three days after it's ended.

You stayed in Michigan all week
to avoid being around me?

No, no, not just that.

I mean...

Detroit is beautiful
when it's sleeting.

You know, I'm not the only one

who's unpleasant
when they're sick.

When Penny got food poisoning,
she threw up so loudly

I could barely hear
the television.

Ooh, I just heard something.

Might be hail, might be gunfire.

Either way, I'm gonna go
take pictures. Bye.

Hey, Stuart.

Hey. Where's Sheldon?

- Still sick?
- No, he's fine.

We just needed
a little break.

Yeah, I get that.

When I brought him his comics
the other day,

he said, “Oh, great,
Death is literally at my door.”

He was being a jerk
to everyone.

Don't take it personally.

Oh, I'm on so many

I couldn't if I wanted to.

I wish we could do more stuff
without Sheldon.

I wish that all the time.

Usually before I blow
out birthday candles.

You know, Amy took
some time off from him.

Really improved
their relationship.

Huh. Okay.

As long as it doesn't end
with us having coitus with him,

I'm in.

We should all take
a trip or something.

You know, Penny and
I have been talking

about taking a
weekend in Vegas.

Maybe we should all go.

Bernie would love that.

Oh! Ooh! Maybe we could get

one of those party buses
to take us there.

That sounds really fun.

Yeah, that sounds fun.

A party-bus party don't stop.

Ooh! When I say “party,”
you say “bus.”

- No. No.
- No. No!

So, the guys and I
were talking about

renting a party bus and
everyone going to Vegas.

Oh, that could be fun.

But just to be clear,
you mean a party bus

with booze and music, right,

not, like, juice boxes
and video games?


And Howard's birthday
was a drop-off party.

You didn't have to stay.

Well, I'm in.

When are we going?
This weekend.

Oh, where are we going?

Well, Vegas, but...

Ugh, Atlantic City
without the taffy?

No, thank you.

That's fine, 'cause actually
you're not invited.

Well, now...
well, that's hurtful.

Oh, Sheldon, you don't
even like it there.

I can consider a place

America's urinal cake

and still enjoy
the occasional visit.

Not this time.

Oh, fine. Then I'll just
hang out with Wolowitz.

He's coming, too.
Well, then Raj and I will...

Very well. Stuart.

Oh, great. Do that.

Ugh. Stuart.

Hi, Sheldon. What's new?

Our friends are jerks,
and I'm mad at all of them.

I said, “What's new?” but sure.

Can you believe
they planned a trip

to Las Vegas
and didn't invite me?

Did you refuse to apologize

and act like they were stupid
for being mad?

You know, I liked it better
when there was still

a little mystery left
in our relationship.

Everyone tried
to take care of you,

and you were nothing
but mean to them.

I can't believe
you're not on my side.

I was on your side when someone
stole your car radio.

Who else's side
could you have been on?

I don't know.

A music-loving hobo
with a heart of gold?

Sheldon, I understand
that you're upset

because you feel left out,

but I don't know why
we're even talking about this.

Just apologize to them.

Fine, if that's what it takes
to go on their dumb trip.

Maybe you could try apologizing
because you actually feel bad.

It's called empathy.

It's something
you could work on.

I have empathy.


Leonard made me soup,
and I was mean to him.


Now try it as if this isn't
your first day as a person.


Leonard made me soup,
and I was mean to him.

Hey, I felt a little something.

Let me try again.

Leonard made me soup,
and I was mean to him.

I was mean to him.

He must have felt terrible.

Oh, now I feel terrible.


Glad I could help.

Now let me see you
feel bad for lying

and staying in Detroit
longer than you needed to.

I feel so, so bad.

Hey, we're both great at this.

Leonard, get ready
for an apology.

And with the added twist
of an M. Night Shyamalan movie,

I'm going to mean it.

Ah, so like every other

M. Night Shyamalan movie
I've seen,

you spoil it in advance.

Hey, if you didn't know
Bruce Willis

was dead the whole time,
that's not on me.


Here it comes.

You tried to take care of me

when I was sick,
and I was mean to you.

There's no excuse for that.

And I'm truly sorry.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

I want you to know
that that is sincere.

I-I do feel bad.

I'm not just saying it
to be included on your trip.

Appreciate that, too.


Now all that's left
is for you to invite me to come.

Me to ask, “Are you sure?”

You to say, “Absolutely.”

And then me
to bring it home with,

“How could I say no
to that face?”

You're still not coming.

What? But I apologized
and I meant it.

I know that we don't play
this game very often,

but you're doing it wrong.

Sheldon, I accept
your apology, but you upset

a lot of people
while you were sick.

I'm not in a position
to just say you can come.

Well, all right.

What if I apologize
to all of them?

Fine, if you
apologize to everyone,

they all say it's okay,
then yes, you can come.

Challenge accepted!

Sounds like it's time for
the Sheldon Cooper Apology Tour.

Well, I hope
it's as much fun

as the Sheldon Cooper
Spell-Checks Local Menus Tour.

My goodness!

Do you remember
“comes with apsparagus”?

Howard and Bernadette,

you tried to comfort me
when I was ill,

and I treated you terribly.

I'm sorry.


I'm impressed.

No, no, no, wait.

I'm not done.

Allow me to underscore
my sentiment

with a haunting rendition

of Brenda Lee's “I'm Sorry”

played on the pan flute.

Apology accepted!
Forgiven, forgiven!

All right, that's eight hours
of practice down the drain.

And to memorialize
this occasion,

here are your
commemorative T-shirts.

“Sheldon Cooper
apologized to me”"

“And he made it
all better.”

All you did was offer

maternal care and affection,

and all you received in return

was rude and insensitive

Can this wait?

I'm afraid it can't.

The trip is tomorrow.

And I have
more apologies to make.

Okay, fine, I accept
your apology, now get out!

Wonderful. would you mind
holding up this shirt

while I take a quick...?

You brought me my comic books
when I wasn't feeling well.

That-that was

And I was insensitive.

I'm sorry.

Thank you, Sheldon.

I appreciate that.

And I want you to know
that I mean it, you know?

This isn't me just wanting to
go on the trip to Las Vegas.

What trip to Las Vegas?

The one everyone's taking

this weekend on the party bus.

Of course, I wasn't invited.

That would be my understanding.

On a less painful subject,

what size T-shirt do you take?

Raj, you were being
a good friend,

and my illness was no
excuse for my behavior.

I hope that you can
accept my apology.

Of course I do.

And, Emily, I'm sorry
for saying dermatologists

aren't real doctors.

And I'm sure you're
tired of hearing that.

Do you honestly think
I hear that a lot?

Well, I would imagine
when your job is popping zits

and squirting Botox
into old lady faces...


Okay, the point is

that we accept
your apology.

Uh, maybe you do.

He just insulted me again.

Yeah, but he
doesn't mean it.

Why are you defending him?

I believe
I can answer that.

Uh, like me,

Raj is demonstrating empathy.

Now, why don't you
accept my apology,

receive your free T-shirt, uh--

I hope extra small is okay.

For some reason
Wolowitz took a medium.

Well, I don't
accept your apology.

What are you doing?

It's called standing
up for myself.

You should try it some time.

Fine, how about this?

You're making me
uncomfortable by prolonging

this ridiculous fight,
and I wish you'd stop.

Oh, you want me to stop?

No problem.

No, come on,
please don't leave!

Point of clarification--
are you still going on the trip?

Because if not...

Don't worry, you're good.

I caused that fight,
I feel terrible.

Wait, I can do that better...

I caused that fight.

I feel terrible.

Yeah, wow, I don't know
which one I like more.

So, was the fight
really bad?


As a fight, it was excellent.

She used harsh language
and slammed the door.

Although as I say this,

that might not have been
what you were asking.

You think they'll
still go on the trip?

All I know is after the fight
I went to Emily's to smooth...

They're not going on the trip.

What is wrong with you?

Look at him, caring about
what's wrong with me.

That is some top-shelf empathy.

Hey, well,
we should start a club.

You went to Emily's
to apologize.

And when you left,
she was crying.

That is true.

Well, I suppose
I should apologize again.

Is she okay?

Yeah, I calmed her down.

But she's not going
to Vegas if he's going.

Wait, that's an option?

I didn't know that
was an option.

Well, that is fine,
because I've decided

that I won't be joining you.

I've realized that
the most genuine way

to demonstrate the remorse
I feel is to let you

have this weekend
to yourselves.

That's very mature of you.

Well, I've been on a little
trip myself recently.

Not to Sin City
but to Sincere City.

Where instead of genital warts,
the only growth

you'll come back with
is personal growth.

And there's your next T-shirt.

Ooh, check out
the stripper pole.

You know what that means.

That Raj'll be on it before
we make it to the freeway?

You know it!

This is so cool.

Let's have champagne!


Well, I would like
to propose a toast

to a well-deserved weekend of...


What are you doing?!

My plan was to jump out
at the state line,

but one of my nose plugs
fell into the toilet.

You couldn't give us
just one weekend?

I told him
this was a bad idea.

What do we do--
kick them off?

If we drop them off
at a fire station,

they have to take them;
no questions asked.

Before you do, please
give me one more chance

to apologize to Emily.

Oh, God.

Emily, as I'm
sure you know,

I'm considered
an odd fellow.

But what you don't know
is that, while I often

say the wrong thing,
in my heart I mean well.

I think that you are

a smart and wonderful
woman, you know?

And we all think that you can
do better than Koothrappali.

You know, Sheldon...

Shh, let him finish.

So, for all the times
I've offended you

and all the times that
I'll offend you in the future,

I'm sorry.

Thank you.


Then I'll be leaving now.

Oh, it's okay, Sheldon.

Come with us.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

But I'm sure you'll all have
a better time without me.

Let's go, Stuart.

But I want to stay.

Stuart, now!

You know,
I know he's a jerk,

but I actually
feel bad for him.

And now you see
the problem.

Come on, you pain in the ass!

That's me!

Bye, Stuart.


I'm a pain in the ass, too!

Are you relieved
that you and Raj

were able
to patch things up?

At the moment?

No, not really.

♪ Burn, baby, burn... ♪

Shake it, baby!

Work that thing!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==