The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 8, Episode 20 - The Fortification Implementation - full transcript

Howard meets the half-brother he never knew he had. Penny is invited to appear on Wil Wheaton's podcast.

English (HI) Subtitles.
[MP4] The Big Bang Theory S08E20 (720p) The Fortification Implementation - HDTV [KoTuWa]

You're wrong.
No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.

Settle this. Those
little animated pictures

on the Internet, are they
called "Gifs" or "Jifs"?

Well, the G stands
for "graphics."

That's a hard G,
so I'd say "gif."

W... The guy who invented
it says it's "jif."

I'm sorry, do you mean
the guy or the juy?

Well, I'll give you
three guesses

why I'm so irritated.



Something happened different
from the way you wanted it.

I guess news travels fast.

It's true,
a select group of scientists

was invited
to a weekend symposium

at a former home
of Richard Feynman,

and I wasn't included.

Oh, Sheldon, I'm sure it's
not because they don't think

you're an elite scientist.
Yeah,

I bet you anything it's
just 'cause you're a pain in the ass.

You're just saying that
to make me feel better.

Look, you can spend
the rest of the day

being bitter about this.
Agreed.

I was gonna say "or,"
but why bother?

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪



♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 8x20 ♪
The Fortification Implementation
Original Air Date: 2015-04-09

Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man

Hey, Raj.

Hey, I got you
a little gift.

Oh, that's a lot
of Girl Scout Cookies.

You know me.
I'm from India.

I can't resist children begging.

So, how's it going
with the title to the house?

Great, it's all done.

The lawyer
tracked down my father

and got him to sign it over.

I didn't have to meet him,
I didn't have to talk to him,

I don't even know where he is.

Wow, so you're not curious
at all?

Nope.

Hm. What if he's in prison?

What if he's a spy?

What if he's
in a Beatles cover band?

I'm just saying, if he's got
your nose and haircut,

he'd make a killer Ringo.

Thanks again for
agreeing to do this.

Oh, it's cool; I've never been
on a podcast before.

Well, you picked
a good one to start.

Wil's had lots of great guests.

Jonathan Frakes, Brent Spiner,

Michael Dorn, Gates McFadden...

Those are Star Trek people.

Yes!

I only figured that out

because I've never heard
of any of them.

I deserve that.

I invited you on my show
and I drove here.

Sorry.

Okay, so, this is
basically gonna be

just like a little talk show.

Uh, we're gonna take some calls,

we'll talk about what
it was like on the set

of Serial Ape-ist 2.

It should be really fun.

This is exciting.
Yeah.

So, how many people listen?

Most people download it later,

but usually a few thousand
people listen live.

What?! A few thousand people

listen to you talk
about nerd stuff?

Again, right in the ears,

straight to the feelings.

Can you please pass the salt?

Sure.

It's not like I was invited
to Richard Feynman's house

and have anything better to do.

Is this how the rest
of the night's going to be?

I don't know the future.

Do you think there's a chance

that an asteroid
could hit the Earth,

destroying Feynman's house
and everyone in it?

No, Sheldon.

Then buckle up;
you're in for a cranky night.

According to the codicil
of the Relationship Agreement

which you insisted upon,

we're not allowed to pout
or be moody on date night.

You know I just put that in
because of uterus stuff.

Well, it applies to you, too.

I was afraid you might
bring this up,

so I have a work-around.

There you go.

As far as you're concerned,
I'm smiling.

Although, I must admit,
I'm smiling a little bit

at the moment because
this loophole is so brilliant.

So, Bernadette, have you thought

about how you're going
to redecorate this place?

You know, I'm thinking

ripping up the carpets,

maybe lose the wallpaper,

all new light fixtures...

You know,
if you knocked out this wall,

it would give you an
open floor plan,

and then-- it's a little scary,
but could be fun--

Indoor fire pit.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, I grew up
in this house, okay?

No one's knocking anything down.

Okay, okay.

When he's at Comic-Con,

I'm bringing in
a wrecking ball.

Can I help you?

Hi. Are you Howard Wolowitz?

Yes.

Um, this is a little weird,

but a lawyer was trying
to contact my father,

because his name was still
on the title for this house.

W... uh, who's your father?

Sam Wolowitz.

(chuckles)

S-Sam Wolowitz is my father.

I know.

Well, wait, so if we have
the same father...

I mean,

are you saying

you're my half-brother?

I think so.

(chuckles)

Bernadette, weird things
are happening out here!

I think I started to suspect
it was a bad movie

when I looked at the script
and saw the title,

Serial Ape-ist 2:

Monkey See, Monkey Kill.

Uh, spoiler alert:

after the monkey sees, it kills.

Psst.

I've just been handed a note.

I'm going to read it.

"Wil, do you want
more Diet Coke?

Also, we have juice."

I-I didn't want to interrupt.

Uh, that voice you just heard

belongs to Leonard,
Penny's fiancé.

Uh, Leonard, why don't you grab
some headphones and join us?

Really?
Yeah.

(chuckles) Yeah, great.

So, while Leonard
gets set up,

let's take a call.

Hello, caller, you are on

with Penny and Wil
from Serial Ape-ist 2.

WOMAN:
I don't have a question.

I just want to say
I'm a big fan of the movie.

I've seen it, like, ten times.

Okay, well, I'll apologize
for the first time,

but the other nine are on you.

(chuckles)

Thanks a lot, caller.

You know that the movie
actually has

a little bit
of a cult following.

Really?
Yeah.

I was at
a science-fiction convention,

and I saw a woman dressed
as your half-ape character.

Oh, if she was

with an Indian guy dressed
like a banana,

that was just my friends,
Howard and Raj.

All right, it's time
for a very special guest caller,

a friend of mine,
who you probably know

as the director
of such movies as Clerks,

or from podcasts and books

where he often reminds you
that he's the guy

who directed Clerks.

Hello, Kevin Smith.

KEVIN: Hey, man,
yo, is everything okay, Wil?

'Cause it's been,
like, two minutes

and you haven't even brought up
Stand By Me.

Hey, Kevin!

It's really exciting
to talk to you.

It really is.

Oh, you guys are very sweet.
So, Penny, listen,

I saw your movie.

Oh, wow. I wish it was better.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Have you seen some
of Kevin's films?

You're cruisin'
for a beatin', Wheaton.

Anyway, man,
I dug the ape movie, Penny.

And I thought you were, like,
really great in it.

Aw.

You know, I'm in the movie, too.

Yeah, whatever. Penny!

Penny, how come you're not
in more stuff, man?

I'd cast you in a minute.

Seriously?
Oh, yeah, man.

I'm actually in pre-production
on a movie right now.

Way different

than anything I've ever
done before.

It's called Clerks 3.

You should come over

and read for a part.

Oh, my, I would love that.

You have a new job.

Well, maybe I can do both.

I don't think you can do both.

I don't think I asked you.

Yeah, you tell him, Penny.

Stay out of it, Kevin Smith.

Do you think there comes
a point in life

when it stops feeling bad
to be left out of things?

Probably not.

It's an evolutionary advantage

to be included
in group activities.

You know what?

I used to be a fan of evolution,

but I've since evolved,

and now I think it's dumb.

Being left out
is a terrible feeling.

No one understands that
better than I do.

Hey, look at that.

Even in your example,
you're all by yourself.

When there was
a lice epidemic at my school,

everybody got it except me.

I tried to fool everyone
by sprinkling sugar in my hair,

but I just got attacked by bees.

I can just picture
them all right now

at Feynman's house,

probably discussing Schrodinger

and at the same time,

not discussing Schrodinger.

See?

They're missing out
on hilarious jokes like that.

And at the same time, not.

It reminds me of when
my stupid brother and sister

would build forts
in the living room

and wouldn't let me in.

I hated that so much.

You know,

there's nothing I can do

about getting you invited
to the symposium,

but if you wanted...

we could build a fort.

Isn't that a little juvenile?

More juvenile than this?

I'll get the blankets.

You Google how
to have childlike fun.

You know what,
I'm being a bad host.

Let me get some more coffee.

Oh, let me do it, Howard.
No, I got it.

So, Josh, what do you do?

I'm studying oceanography
down in San Diego.

Oh, how nice.

I loved Finding Nemo.

Enough chitchat.

How do we know you are
who you say you are?

Why would I lie?

Okay, you got me there.

You here looking for money?
No.

A kidney, cornea,
piece of his liver?

No.

You're in a Beatles cover band

and you need Howard to replace
your dad as Ringo.

Why don't you help
with the coffee?

Okay, but something
smells fishy.

And not just because

you work around sea animals.

That actually
sounds interesting,

and I'd like
to learn more about it.

Hey, you okay?

Not really.

This guy shows up
out of the blue,

and now I have a brother?

My father has another family?

I get it.

What do you want to do?

I don't know. I...

I'd just like him to go away.

I can't deal with this.

All right, I've got your back.

Thank you. Come on.

And I'd like to point out

this wall just provided
a lot of privacy!

I can't believe
my brother's an astronaut.

That's amazing. What was it like?
Listen, dude,

it's time for you
to hit the road.

Hey, hey, the young man asked
a good question.

So, for those of you
just tuning in,

we are listening

to a really fun fight between my costar...
No, no, no.

We're not fighting;
we're just...

having a conversation.

All right.

We're listening
to a really fun conversation

between my costar
from Serial Ape-ist 2

and her fiancé,
who doesn't believe

women should have dreams.

Give me back that juice.

What is the harm
if I audition?

Well, what if you get it?

I don't know, I make a movie,

become rich and famous,

win an Oscar, a Golden Globe

and live an incredibly
wonderful life.

From a Kevin Smith movie?

KEVIN:
Oh, I'm hanging up now.

Don't you listen
to him, buddy.

You're awesome.

You're one of the greatest
directors of our time.

I don't have
a part for you, Wheaton.

And that was Kevin Smith.

Thanks a lot.

I'm just trying to protect you.

How many times did I see you
get your heart broken

trying to make it
as an actress?

Okay, instead of protecting me,
why don't you try

being excited when
something good happens?

I'm always excited for you!

I'm excited that you found
this new job

where you're making
decent money.

Decent? I make twice
what you make.

Wait, twice?!

Yeah.

Like, "times two" twice?

For those of you at home,
Leonard just found out

his fiancée makes
way more money than he does.

Let's listen.

I went to school
for half my life.

I have a doctorate.

I'm still paying off
college loans.

Well, how much do you owe?

Maybe I can help you out.

Wil, can we just turn off
the podcast for a little bit?

For those of you at home,

I am shaking my head "no."

How's it going, Sheldon?

Wonderful!

I just finished
hanging the lights.

Can I come in?

Yes, oh,
but enter through the side.

Batman is
a load-bearing blanket.

Amazing.

I know.

This isn't the printout.

This is my real face.

What are we doing?

This is a fort.

Let's sit on the floor.

Roughing it? Okay.

(gasps)

Everything looks
so big from down here.

This must be
how Leonard feels.

I'm surprised
you could hear me

with this Thin Mint
in your ear!

(laughs)

Yeah, pretty cool, huh?

Yeah.

Anyway,
I should probably get going.

Howie, have you
noticed how often

people say that
when you start to do magic?

Sorry, I have a long drive.

Well, I hope I get
to see you again.

(chuckles)
I hope so, too.

I've always dreamed of having
a brother to play catch with.

Keep dreaming.

Hey, I threw out the first pitch

at an Angels game.
Wow.

He did it with a robot.

You had sex with a robot?

That's not what she meant.

But technically, yes.

Hang on, if you're making
all this money,

where is it?

In a safe place.

What does that mean,
under your bed?

No, it means

a diversified portfolio
of stocks and bonds.

I'm not overly conservative.

I'm young, so my guy said I
can afford to take some risks.

Wait a minute, you have "a guy"?

Don't you have a guy?

Why would I have a guy?
I don't have any money!

Oh, sweetie,

you should really
get some money.

For those of you listening
at home,

how great is this?

Wil, I'm begging you,
just please turn that off.

Sure.

And we're back.

Leonard, why are you making
such a big deal out of this?

So our roles have changed a bit
over the last couple years.

This is the way life is.

And I'm sure in time
they'll change again.

Great, you're not only
more successful than me,

now you're more mature.

Okay, look, would it
make you feel better

if I did something dumb like
sneak out of work one day

to go audition for
a Kevin Smith movie?

That would be great, thank you!

I'm just gonna jump
in here real quick.

Leonard, a moment ago,

you were dead set against Penny
resuming her acting career,

but now you're all for it.

Is it fair to say that
she played you like a violin?

Yes, it is, Wil.

So, I have to ask,

was the robot sexy?

(chuckles)
It was actually

just a mechanical hand.

'Cause that's all
you need, right?

You are my brother.

Okay, so the final four forts

in the first annual
best fort ever contest,

or "fort off," are...

...Fort Knox,

Fort Ticonderoga,

Fort Sumter and...

Fort Cozy McBlanket.

I'd say...

Knox over Ticonderoga

'cause it's got the gold.

Mm-hmm.
And McBlanket over Sumter

'cause it has
a higher thread count.

(phone rings)
Oh.

10:00.

Date night's over.

Wait, no.

We haven't picked a winner.

We both know
this one's gonna win.

Well, of course we do.

Fort Knox doesn't have a secret

physics lending library.

Come on, I'll help
you take this down.

Well, wait.

What if, just this once,

we suspend
the date night parameters

and you stay later?

Well, as long as we're
suspending the parameters,

I could stay really late

and we could have
our first sleepover.

That's a big step.

It's a big fort.

Very well.

I will agree
to a family-friendly,

G-rated, boy-girl sleepover.

PG.

Some scenes may be too intense
for younger viewers.

G-rated,

with a warning for families
with babies and toddlers.

You got yourself a sleepover.

Do you need to borrow

a toothbrush or pajamas?

Would it alarm you to know

that I hid those things here
two years ago

just in case this ever came up?

It would,

but you know how much
I admire preparedness.

How did you know we'd be
in the living room?

Who says this is
the only one I hid?

Hello? What is this?

We built a fort!

Are those my sheets?

Yes, they are.

Okay.

Well, you kids have fun.

I'm gonna go to sleep.

Leonard, don't you want to see
the inside of the fort?

Yeah, I'm good.

Oh, come on.

I really wanted to tell someone
they can't come in.

Okay, fine.

Sheldon, may I please
visit your fort?

I want to say no,

but it's too glorious.
Get in here!

Thank you.
Okay, have a seat on the floor.

SHELDON:
Not there. That's my spot.

Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man