The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 8, Episode 2 - The Junior Professor Solution - full transcript

Sheldon learns from Mrs. Davis in Human Resources that the university has come up with a solution to change his area of research from string theory to dark matter. They will promote him to junior professor, which has no strings to funding whatever area of research, but that it will require him to teach a graduate level class. After speaking to his friends, Sheldon agrees. However, his reputation precedes him as no one signs up for the class. As such, Howard, who has been thinking about working toward his doctorate, decides to enroll in the class as Sheldon's only student. While Howard truly wants to learn from Sheldon, Sheldon in turn only has one contrary goal in mind in being Howard's professor. Meanwhile, Bernadette and Penny are having a quiet feud over Penny seemingly not taking her new job as a sales rep at the pharmaceutical company where Bernadette works seriously. They both turn to Amy, who, for the first time in her life, feels like the popular kid in high school. As such, Amy tries to use her new position to divide and conquer to retain that special place in both their lives.

I recently read
that during World War Two,

Joseph Stalin had
a research program

to create

by having women
impregnated by gorillas.

What a sick use
of science.

Hey, as long as
the baby's healthy.

I wonder if Stalin considered
any other animals.

Hippos are
the deadliest creature.

A half-human, half-hippo soldier
would be pretty badass.

Yes, but when they're

you can stop them
with marbles.

Yeah, the correct animal

for interspecies supersolider
is koala.

You would wind up with an army
so cute it couldn't be attacked.

But half-man, half-owl
could fly...

The answer is cuddly soldiers
with big flat noses. Moving on.

So, Penny, when's
the new job start?

Next Monday.

Did you get a chance
to look over

the materials I gave you?

Uh, not yet,
but I will.

Great. When?

I said I'll get to it.

I'm sensing awkwardness,
am I right?



I don't want to be pushy,

but you've never done
pharmaceutical sales before.

It seems like you could use
this time to get a head start.

Well, the first few
weeks will be all training.

They'll tell me everything
I need to know.

But imagine how impressed
they'd be if you showed up

already familiar
with the material.

Okay, so what, you want me
to be like a teacher's pet?

Couldn't hurt.

Mm, I don't know.

Who here has ever been hurt

because they were
the teacher's pet?

It was like the rest of
the class wanted Ms. McDonald

to forget the quiz.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 8x02 ♪
The Junior Professor Solution
Original Air Date on Septem

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Mrs. Davis.

Guess who?

Dr. Cooper.

That's right, good job.


Uh, you wanted
to see me?

Yes. Uh, welcome back.

Thank you.

I assume you'd like
to reopen our dialogue

about the university forcing me
to continue with string theory?

You mean the dialogue that went,

"Please?" "No." "Please?" "No."
"Please?" "No."

That's the one.

I believe you went last,
so, uh, please?

Dr. Cooper, while you were away,
we came up with a solution

that would allow you to change
your field of study.


Pouting and running away
actually worked.

Yeah, I must say,
that may not be a lesson

you want to reinforce with me.

So, um, what is the solution?

Currently, you're being paid
under a grant

to specifically research
string theory.

If we promote you
to junior professor,

you'll be able to choose

whatever field of research
you'd like.

But if I'm a professor,
then I'll have to teach a class.

That is correct.

So your solution is to
promote me and pay me more money

so that I can impart
my knowledge

to the next generation
of scientists?


You people are sick.


Ready to go to lunch?

Just give me a minute.

I'm stimulating the pleasure
cells of this starfish.

I just need to turn it off.

What happens
if you don't?

Then I have to sit through lunch

knowing this starfish is
having a better day than I am.

Is Bernadette meeting us
at the restaurant?

Uh, no. Actually,
I didn't invite her.

How come?

Well, ever since she helped me
get this job,

she won't stop bugging me.

Well, I think she just wants you
to do well,

and she's worried that you won't

'cause you were just
a stunningly poor waitress.

That is not true.

I'm still waiting
on my mini corndogs

from two years ago.

I told you,
they'll be right out.

Okay, so no

Well, you saw her the
other night. Am I wrong?

No, I just...

I feel kind of uncomfortable
talking about her like this.

Usually when someone's being
talked about behind their back,

it's me and it's right
in front of my face.

I-I'm sorry. I just need
a little break from her.

I understand.

You know, there is
some research that indicates

that sharing negative attitudes
about a third party

can be a powerful bonding force
between two friends.

So, what are
you saying?

I'm saying,
in the spirit of science,

what is
that little skank's problem?

So, I've been trying
to come up

with a cute couple's nickname
for me and Emily.

What do you
like better--


or Koothrapemily?

Why is it your last name
and her first name?

Oh, well,
her last name is Sweeney,

and something just didn't seem
right about Koothrapeeney.

Hey, how'd it go
with human resources?


Yeah, they're allowing me
to move on from string theory,

but they made me
a junior professor

and are requiring me
to teach a class.

I don't understand. Why is it
bad that you have to teach?

What a stupid question.

The kids are
gonna love him.

I can't believe
I have to waste my time

babysitting a bunch
of grad students

who probably think dark matter
is what's in their diapers.

This might not be that bad.

Uh, you like telling people
they're wrong.


Just because I enjoyed that one
doesn't mean I always do.

You enjoy giving
people grades.

A valid point,
but unoriginal-- B-minus.

And you love the sound
of your own voice.

Yeah, well, of course I do.

Listen to it.

It's like an earful
of melted caramel.

Look, most importantly,

this will let you move on
and study dark matter.

It is true that many of
my heroes have taken students

under their wings:

Feynman, Einstein, Professor X.


in the case of Professor X,

some of his students
actually had wings.

That's rich.

I'll use that one
to lighten the mood

after my entire class
fails the midterm.

Measuring starfish
serotonin levels in response

to one point two molar
stimulation of pleasure cells.

You like that, don't you?

That's right, say my name.


Hey, what's going on?
Not much.

You want to get a drink later?

Just the two of us?

No Penny?

Not tonight.

I'm a little frustrated
with her.

Because you got her the job
and you think

she should be working harder
to prepare for it?

So it's not just me.
You see it, too!

I do, I see it.

It's driving me crazy.

Just this afternoon,
I saw on Instagram

that instead of studying,
she went out to lunch

and got a manicure.

That's outrageous!

I know!

If she doesn't do well,

Th-this could reflect poorly
on you.

Exactly. Does she not realize it
or does she not care?

I don't know.

The important thing is
I am here for you

so we can mutually disparage
this unpleasing third party.

Hey. We just wanted to see

how your class was going.
Where is everybody?

There is no class.

Did you send everyone to
the principal's office already?

No one signed up.

Well, that's not your fault.

I called the department
secretary to see what happened.

Apparently, I have a reputation
for being obnoxious.


Hey, Sheldon, I'm sorry.

No, it's fine.

Now I can devote all my time
to dark matter.

Aw, you brought cookies
for everyone?

Oh, yes. Fig Newtons.

which scientist both helped

to develop calculus and had
a famous cookie named after him?

And then after
someone said "Newton,"

I was going to tell them
they're wrong.

The cookies are named
after a town in Massachusetts.

And then I'd throw
the cookies away.

Hey, what if I took your class?

Why would you do that?

Yeah, why would you do that?
What's wrong with you?

I'm thinking about
getting my doctorate,

and he wants to teach-- why not?

Oh, Howard.

I appreciate
the gesture,

but this is
a graduate-level physics class.

I don't think you'd understand

a single thing
I was talking about.

Ask why not again;
I've got an answer.

Sheldon, I'm more than smart
enough to take your class.



How would you determine
the ground state

of a quantum system
with no exact solution?

I would guess a wave-function
and then vary its parameters

until I found
the lowest energy solution.


Do you know how to integrate
X squared times E

to the minus X,
without looking it up?

I'd use Feynman's trick--

under the integral sign.



What is the correct

of quantum mechanics?

Since every interpretation gives
exactly the same answer

to every measurement,
they are all equally correct.

However, I know you believe in
the Many Worlds Interpretation,

so I'll say that. Now do you
think I'm smart enough?


Oh, come on.
You might've gone to school

for a couple more years than me,
but guess what--

engineers are just
as smart as physicists.

You take that back!


So, after drinks
with Bernadette,

I get home, and Penny calls
to complain about her.

And then while
I'm talking to Penny,

I get a text from Bernadette.

Wh... I'm trying to prepare
my lesson plan for Howard.

Why are you
telling me this?

Because it's taken 15 years, but
high school is finally awesome!

I love them both,

but I'm in the center now,
and I love that even more.

Amy, please. I am trying
to figure out a way

to intellectually emasculate
a dear friend of mine.

But I'm just...
Not now.

You better watch
that attitude, buddy.

You're dating the
popular girl now.

Hmm. You're up late.

Oh, I'm working on
my lesson plan for Wolowitz.

He is going to be so lost.

Look at this section over here.

Even I don't really
understand it.

Sheldon, why are you doing this?

I'm a teacher, Leonard.

It's my job.

No, I-I mean,

why are you going
to so much trouble

to prove that you're smarter
than Wolowitz?

Oh, it's no trouble;
it's actually a pleasure.

You want to know what I think?

I think the idea that someone
could be as smart as you,

or even smarter,
scares the pants off you,

and you can't deal with it.

Interesting point.

Wh... You're

that I have emotional issues
below my consciousness

which drive my behavior,

thus causing me to lash out
at anything or anyone

that threatens
my intellectual superiority.

Might be something
to think about.



Howard's allergic to peanuts.

How can I use that against him?


Okay, now that everyone's here,
we can begin.

Before we do,
I just talked to Leonard.

And if you're gonna

spend all your time
trying to belittle me

by making this class
unnecessarily hard,

then I'm out.

But if you're interested
in making

a sincere effort
to be a good teacher,

then I'm willing
to give this a shot.

I suppose that's a fair request.

There's no reason we both can't
benefit from this experience.



Well, then, uh,
first things first.

Um, are you familiar with
the Brachistochrone problem?

I am.

And how it relates
to the calculus of variations?

It's an inverted cycloid.


Now, what about
Euler-Lagrange theorems?

That's where I'm a little fuzzy.

Ha! I knew it! All right.

We have a lot of information
to cover before your first test.

Which, by the way,
is in eight minutes.

The good news is I'm
grading on a curve,

so you're pretty much
guaranteed a C.

♪ All I do is win, win, win ♪

♪ No matter what ♪
What are you doing?

♪ Everybody hands go up, up... ♪

♪ And they stay there! ♪

What are you doing?

If you're gonna be
a crappy teacher,

then I'm gonna be
a crappy student.

♪ Ludacris going in
on the verse ♪

♪ 'Cause I never been defeated
and I won't stop now... ♪

Will you stop it!

This is a classroom.

This is not American Bandstand.


Now, where was I?

Let's see.

Oh, yes. Over here.


What are you doing now?

Making a straw.


So I can shoot you
with a spitball.

You're not going to do that,
and I'll tell you why.

This is an institution
of higher learning,

I am your professor,

and you're going to treat me
with the prop...

You shot your spit in my mouth!

Is that gonna be on the test?

Because I don't think
I can do that again.

Hey, girlfriend.

Can I get a what what?


Close enough.

Um, I was just calling to see
what you were up tonight.

Thought maybe we could hit up
Color Me Mine,

maybe sneak in
some Pinot Greej. Whatevs.

Uh, thanks, but I think
I'm gonna stay in

and go over the stuff
Bernadette gave me.

Oh. Oh, I hear you.

Try and get that nag
off your back, right?

I mean, you're not a bicycle;

why's she riding you like that?

No, I think she was
just trying to help.

Plus, I really want to do well
at this job. So...

Okay, good luck.
And call me later,

you know, if you decide
she's a bitch or something.

Hey, girlfriend.

Hey, Amy.

Tonight. You, me, Color Me Mine.

Maybe we sneak in some Pinot--
make it Color Me Wine.

That sounds fun,
but I promised Penny

I'd come by and help her study.

Oh. Well, good luck
getting her to do that.

She's probably off
getting another manicure.

You remember when she did that?

You remember?

I was probably being
too hard on her.

We talked, we're good.

Oh. Great.

I'm happy for you guys.

You know, when the two of you
aren't getting along,

it puts me in a really
weird position.

Well, don't worry--
everything's back to normal.

You mean, like, where she's nice
to your face? Okay got it. Bye.

Hey, boyfriend.

Can't talk. Spitball.

Probably gonna die.


Sheldon, I-I promise.

Your uvula does not have an STD.

Are you sure?

It just doesn't feel as
innocent as it used to.

You reported me
to human resources?

You violated the sanctity
of my mouth.

Well, I dropped your class,
so I hope you're happy.

I told you you weren't
smart enough to take it.

I'm smart enough, Sheldon.

Asking me a bunch of questions

about a topic
I'm not familiar with

doesn't prove anything.

I could do the same to you.

Yeah... Try me.


You enjoy making fun
of engineering so much;

how do you quantify
the strength of materials?

Young's modulus.

Is that right?


Okay, how do you prevent
eddy currents in a transformer?

Laminate the core material.

Come on, give
him a hard one.

That was a hard one.

All right.

How does the flow rate in a pipe
depend on its diameter?

You don't know, do you?

What's the matter, smart guy?

Don't know Poiseuille's law?

Thank goodness I got it!

Now I can quit
checking my stool.

Okay, what are the
potential side effects

for our erectile
dysfunction drug?

Headaches, dizziness and nausea.


Those are also the side effects

of having a 75-year-old man
with an erection

climb on top of you.

Want to stop here?

Uh, no.
I can keep going.

Nah, you got this.

Let's go for a drink.
I'll call Amy.

Okay, good. She seemed like she
really wanted to go out tonight.

Hey, girl.

Okay, next question,
for the Butterfinger:

how long is a galactic yea

250 million years!


Okay, this one is
for a Cadbury Creme Egg.

It's not even Easter time.

This is crazy!

Which Archimedean solid
has 20 regular triangular faces,

30 square faces,
12 pentagonal faces,

60 vertices and 120 edges?

The Rhombicosidodecahedron!


We are so smart!

Why didn't girls like us
in high school?

Because we were awkward and
weird and couldn't play sports!

Right again!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==