The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 8, Episode 17 - The Colonization Application - full transcript

A trip to the pet store ends in a fight after Amy learns Sheldon has applied for a one-way mission to colonize Mars. Meanwhile, Leonard surprises Penny with a very "adult" purchase, and Raj gets into trouble when he snoops around Emily's apartment.

I was unstoppable. I mean, I was on fire.

It was like my mind and my body
were totally connected.

Like athletes must feel
when they're in the zone.

Again, it was miniature golf.

Admit it, you're a little turned on.

You can't be this proud.

- Why not?
- Because I beat you.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Oh, good, you're back.

We have some exciting news.


As you know, Amy and I
have been together a long time...

...and a lot of things
I never thought possible... seem possible.


After a careful evaluation
of our relationship...

...we decided that the time was right
to take a step forward.


Do you wanna say it?

Let's say it together.

- We're getting a turtle.
- We're getting a turtle.

See, this is why I've been saying
we should keep champagne on ice.

- Sarcasm?
- Yes.

That was tricky, because when it comes
to alcohol, she means business.

- Well, we're very happy for you.
- Yes.

Thank you.
Acquiring a joint pet is a big step for us.

No, it's true. It means that
we care so much about each other...

...there's enough left over
for an 8-ounce reptile.

Why a turtle?

Well, after much deliberation,
we've determined that a turtle... the ideal pet.

They don't shed fur, they don't make noise...

For Halloween,
we can dress him as a cobblestone.

And if he ever goes berserk,
I know I can outrun him.

Coincidentally, that's also
why I chose you as a roommate.

Well, congratulations.

Who would've thought you would be
the first in our group to start a family?

That's what I said.

So where's your roommate tonight?

Well, I thought it was a little unfair
that she's always here...

...and you never get a chance
to stay over... I killed her.

Remember our agreement.

You can joke about murdering people,
but you have to say "just kidding."

And the more important thing to remember
is that I'd never hurt you.

Oh, crap.

I have to run over to the hospital
and check on a patient.

- That's okay. I can come back later.
- No, no, don't be silly.

I won't be gone long. Just stay here.

Okay, cool. You're sure your roommate's
not gonna come back while I'm here alone?

Because that would be awkward.

- Don't worry, she's in Palm Springs.
- Oh, good.

Well, her torso is.

Just kidding.

I put her in a wood chipper.

Oh, dear Lord. Oh, dear Lord.

It's okay.

- You made it, we're fine.
- That was a lot of puppies.

Let's forget about them
and pick ourselves out a nice turtle.

Oh, how about this one up on the log?

Oh, I don't know.

He looks like a jerk.

How about this one?

He's barely moving. He looks half dead.

I know. I like him too.

Hi, little guy.

How'd you like to come home with us?

You'll be living with me,
because we don't live in the same house.

But that's not your fault.

Like you, we're taking it ridiculously slow.

You'll stay with me when he's at Comic-Con,
or away for work.

Yeah, or if they accept
Daddy's application to live on Mars.

What are you talking about?

Well, there's this company that's attempting
to establish a colony on Mars...

...and I applied to be among the first to go.

What should we name him?

You know, I came in thinking "Seth"...

...but he kind of looks Italian.

You applied for a mission
to be a colonist on another planet...

...and couldn't be bothered to tell me?

Would you have approved?

Of course not.

Well, based on your reaction,
it looks like I made the right choice.

Isn't that right, Giuseppe?

Hey. Hey.

Listen, I have a little confession to make.

Aw. Is this your first time?

No, I got you something for Valentine's Day,
and I was too embarrassed to give it to you.

Well, why?

Because I got it at the dirty store.

You went to the dirty store without me?

In sunglasses and a hat
after I parked two blocks away.

- Well, get it. Get it for me.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Okay. Uh, well, I hope it's fun.

It comes with paints
and it's kind of creative and artistic.

Okay, did you go to the dirty store,
or Michaels?

No, no, we cover ourselves in body paint...

...and then we get on this big canvas
and do our thing.

Whoa. It's kind of a big step for a guy
who only recently agreed to take his socks off.

- You're making fun of me. Forget it.
- No. No, I wanna do it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Let's you, me and your very, very pale feet
make some art.

When you go back to the store,
I wanna go with you.

Okay. But it's a drive.
The one I went to is in San Diego.

- How are the taxes going?
- Okay.

But you got a lot of receipts
for the Lego Store in here.

Those are business expenses.
You can write those off.

A $200 R2-D2 is a business expense?

Oh, Bernie, you're gonna have to sound
a lot more confident when we get audited.

Hey. What's up?

Oh, Emily ran back to the hospital,
so I'm just hanging out at her place.

- What are you, uh...? What are you doing?
- Just playing video games...

...while Bernie does the taxes.

What are you, a little kid?

Is she gonna cut your dinner
into little pieces too?

She doesn't have to,
I filled up on jelly beans.

So, uh, what game are you...?

Oh, crap.

- What's wrong?
- I can't get Emily's nightstand to close.

- So?
- She's gonna know I was looking in it.

Why were you looking in it?

Well, there's a question I better have
a good answer to before she gets back.

Okay, calm down.
There's probably something jammed behind it.

- Just pull it out and see what's there.
- Hang on.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, God, no.

You know what? You sound busy.
I'm gonna let you go.

Dude, the whole front came off.
Now, she's gonna know I was snooping.

What's happening?

Raj was snooping through
Emily's drawers and broke one.

Aw. I'm gonna miss her.

So, what do you think?

I thought it'd be a little more...

Just more.

I'm not even sure
why we were out of breath.

I mean, did we move at all?

Maybe along the Z axis...

...but X and Y are looking pretty sad.

Come on, we are not old, boring people.
We could do better than this.

That's true.
How late did we stay up last night?

Almost 1 a.m.

Damn straight, almost 1 a.m.

And we weren't even watching TV,
we were watching Netflix like the kids do.

Yeah. Is it a comedy? Is it a drama?
Nobody knows.

Come on. We are gonna do this.

You get the paint, I'll rest for 30 to 40 minutes,
and then we do this.

I can't believe you almost had me
bring a wild animal into my home.

No one told you to poke the turtle's face.

I was playing Got Your Nose.

That's how you get children to like you.

I'm surprised you care if he likes you...

...since you're leaving the planet
the first chance you get.

This again. Amy, I've already had
one new hole torn in my body today...

...I don't need another one.

Sheldon, I know the odds of you
even going to Mars are incredibly small...

...but it hurts that you would volunteer
for something...

...that would take you away from me forever.

You wouldn't leave me...

...for the chance to be one of the first humans
to colonize another planet?

I would at least mention it
before filling out the application.

Huh. That's exactly what Leonard, Wolowitz,
Koothrappali, Bernadette and Penny said.

And who says you could even survive
an interplanetary mission anyway?

You could barely survive a tiny turtle bite.

First of all, this...

...has only made me stronger.

But beyond that,
all I did was fill out an application.

You know what? Go to Mars, Sheldon.

Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?

No, forget it.

- What if I play the Star Trek theme on my nose?
- Please don't.

Yep, you're mad.

Okay, let me see the damage.
Hang on.

I think you broke the dowels.

You won't have time to glue it.
You'll have to nail it.

- With what?
- Does she have any pillows or wine glasses?

- She does.
- Great.

Neither of those. Try a hammer!

Did that feel good?
You feel like a big man now?

I was going to make you Red Zinger...

...but since Mars is the red planet,
I went with peppermint.

Why do you even wanna do this?

Actually... part of the application,
I was required to make a short video...

...answering that very question.

- You wanna see it?
- Can't you just tell me?

But I made a video.

I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper...

...and I'd like to tell you
why I should be chosen to...

...go to Mars!

I'm exceedingly smart.
I graduated college at 14.

While my brother was getting an STD,
I was getting a PhD.

Penicillin can't take this away.

Being in close quarters,
cleanliness is important.

And my hygiene is impeccable.

In fact, animals don't trust me...

...because I smell like nothing.

Literally nothing.

During the seven-month space flight,
I can keep up morale...

...with my wacky sense of humor.

Hey, Leonard... there any peanut brittle left in that can?

You mean this weirdly suspicious one?

Yes. Open it and check.

I don't get it. There's actually peanut brittle...

Please go to Mars.

But on a more serious note...

...the most important reason
I wanna go to Mars... that I believe, as a scientist...'s my duty to push the boundaries
of human knowledge forward.

Now, I know that life on Mars will be difficult.

But life here on Earth is no picnic.

Also, picnics are no picnic.

"Where should we go for lunch?
Oh, I know, the ground."

In conclusion,
thank you for considering me...

...for this journey of a lifetime.

To Mars.

Afterwards, Leonard blew his nose
and pie came out.

Right there.

Right there. Oh, God, that's it.

- How did you get paint in your eye?
- You wouldn't let me wear safety goggles.

This looks terrible. She... She's gonna know.

It's fine. You just need two more nails.

- Okay, where should I put them?
- In Emily's eyes.

You're not helping.

Well, maybe this is what you get
for snooping.

It's bad enough that I have to deal...

- I'm back.
- Oh, no.

- Hey.
- Hi.

How...? How's the hospital?

Fine. What were you doing in there?

Uh, we... Well...

Look, I don't wanna lie to you.
I got curious, I was looking around...

...and I broke the drawer on your nightstand.

- You were looking in my nightstand?
- Yeah.

So the first time I leave you alone,
you snoop on me?

- You've never snooped around my apartment?
- No.

Come on, think back.
It would really help if you had.

I can't believe you don't trust me.
- She sounds really mad.

- We should hang up.
- Yeah, we should.

- But we're not going to, are we?
- Not a chance.

What happened to "snooping is wrong"?

Oh, we're already going to jail for tax fraud.
Who cares?

Well, we did it.

We sure did.

I mean, I was on fire.

I was in the zone like an athlete.

Sweetie, I beat you at this too.

So where do we wanna hang it?

What, are you kidding?
We're not hanging it.

But it's an expression of our love.

And our butts. Not hanging it.

Seems a shame to throw it away.


Oh. We can give it to Sheldon
and tell him William Shatner painted it.

God, I love you. I love you so much.

I think I'm gonna go home.


I really don't understand
what's happening here.

You know, Sheldon, at any other time...

...learning that you had plans to go live
on Mars would be a slow news day.

But a couple of hours ago,
we were getting a turtle.

And silly as it sounds...

...I thought that meant something.


Why didn't I give her Sleepytime tea?

Amy, wait.

Getting a turtle meant a great deal to me too.

Sure. Unless something better comes along.

Do you want me to withdraw my application?

What I want is for us to be
planning our future together.

And in that future...

...are we on the same planet?

Because I've seen people
make the long-distance thing work.

- We're on the same planet!
- Okay.

Does that planet have to be Earth?

Are you asking me to go to Mars with you?

I am.

Yeah, if I'm going to a barren,
lifeless environment...

...where the chances of survival
are slim to none...

...I want you there with me.

Why don't we go back to the apartment
and fill out your application?


I suppose being the first people
on a new planet...

...would be incredibly exciting.

I know.

We could be the first
to plant a flag on Mars.

We could be the first
to watch Mars Attacks! on Mars.

We could be the first to say:

"Good Lord.
What on Mars are you talking about?"

You know, we could also be
the first people to procreate on Mars.

You just can't keep it in your space pants,
can you?

Think about it. If we had a family there,
our kids would be Martians.

They would, wouldn't they?

We could give them cool Martian names...

...and we could teach them
about Martian history.

Like, "Who planted those flags?"

And, uh, "Where'd that copy
of Mars Attacks! come from?"

I guess we'll have to make
a new video together as a couple.

Good idea. Yeah...

And since you've had such a rough day...

...I'm gonna let you throw the pie
in Leonard's face.

- Thank you for forgiving me.
- It's okay.

At some point,
we were bound to have our first fight.

Well, it almost happened
when you called my apple-pie crust doughy.

The truth is you were right,
and I was just angry at myself.

Can I ask you one thing?

Of course. What?

Did you look in my closet?

- No, just the drawer.
- You promise you didn't look in the closet?

I promise. Why, what's in there?

Don't worry about it.

Good night.