The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 22 - The Proton Transmogrification - full transcript

As the gang celebrate Star Wars Day, Sheldon has difficulty dealing with the recent death of Arthur "Professor Proton" Jeffries.

Gentlemen, Star Wars day
is rapidly approaching.

We should finalize our plans.

What? That's a real thing?

What is it, Star Wars Christmas?

No. Don't be ridiculous.

That's Wookiee Life Day.

So, when is it?

Uh, well, it's not
May the fifth...

and it's not
May the third...

It's May the fourth.

Get it?

May the fourth
be with you?

"May the force be with you."
Get it?

Oh, no. This face
wasn't because I didn't get it.

d Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state d

d Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! d

d The Earth began to cool

d The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools d

d We built the Wall
d We built the pyramids d

d Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery d

d That all started
with a big bang d

d Bang! d

d The Big Bang Theory 7x22 d
The Proton Transmogrification
Original Air Date on May 1,

== sync, corrected by elderman ==


Come in.

Hey, you got a second?


Actually, I'm glad you're here.

I-I'm working on the
Star Wars Day schedule.

Now, I have a window built in
after Phantom Menace,

for complaining, but...

...I'm worried an hour
won't be enough time.

Sheldon, I-I've got
some bad news.

What is it

I just read online

that Arthur Jeffries
passed away.

Professor Proton is dead?

Sorry, buddy. - nowa jako?? napis?w.
Napisy zosta?y specjalnie dopasowane do Twojej wersji filmu.

What are you doing?

Comforting you?

Y-Your heart might be
in the right place,

but your head, chest and
arms certainly aren't.

Anyway, the-the
funeral's on Sunday.

But, that's
Star Wars Day.

Yeah... um...

of all the things about this
that are sad,

that might not be number one.

You okay?
I know he meant a lot to you.

I'm fine.


Yet he cried when they changed
the Raisin Bran box.

ARTHUR (over laptop): This, uh,
this is something interesting

boys and girls.

After an owl eats,
he spits up part of his meal,

that he can't digest,
in the form of a pellet.

Is-Isn't that a hoot?


We'll be right back
after I fire my writers.


Oh, shut up.

Watching your
old friend?

Hmm. Yes.

Look at him, Amy.

It's such a shame.

Struck down
in the prime of my life.

Do you want me to go to
the funeral with you?

Oh, I'm not going
to the funeral.

Why not?

All those people
blowing their noses.

You can't tell the sick
from the sad. Mm.

I'll be at home celebrating
Star Wars Day, as planned.

Are you sure you don't
want to go say good-bye?

Amy, mourning the inevitable
is a complete waste of time.

And watching a bunch
of goofy space movies

you've seen hundreds
of times isn't?

If we were in
a physical relationship,

you just lost sex tonight.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Penny.
Happy Star Wars Day.


Can I make you

Admiral Ackbar's Snack Bar
is open for business.

No, thanks. Leonard and I
are just going to the funeral.

You sure. Not even coffee?

We have R2-Decaf.

Maybe a nice Cafe Au Leia?

And if you're not
in the mood for coffee,

I can always make you
a Chai Tea-3PO.

Oh, I get it-- like C-3PO.

What happened to me?

Hey, uh, Sheldon,
you want anything?

Uh, no, thank you.

You're being so quiet.

Are you upset
or are you just rebooting?

I'm fine.

Sweetie, are you sure

you don't want to
come with us to the funeral?

Oh, I appreciate the
offer, but Arthur is gone

and there's nothing
I can do about it.

When Darth Vader
struck down Obi-Wan,

did Luke cry like a baby
and go to his funeral?


He blew up the Death Star.

Why do I know this?!

Arthur Jeffries
was a scientist.

I'm sure he didn't care about

silly superstitions
like funerals.

You know, if he were here,
I think he'd say,

"Enjoy Star Wars Day."

He was 84;
he'd say, "Where's my pudding?"

Before you go, at least
let me pack you some

Attack of the Scones
for the road.

Oh, like Attack
of the Clones.

We are leaving
right now.

Arthur passing away
was harder on Sheldon

than he's ready to admit.

Really hoping
this will cheer him up.

Me, too.

Although, it
might've been

thoughtless of us to
bake a Death Star cake.

No, it combines two of
Sheldon's favorite things:

chocolate chips

and the ability to destroy a
planet at the push of a button.

Well, anyway, it'll be a
nice surprise for the boys.

And Howie doesn't think I
take his interests seriously,

so hopefully this will keep
him fooled for a while.

Okay, let's get the fondant
and start decorating.

This is pretty cool.

You don't see too many
spherical cakes.

I wonder why that is.

I have a confession to make.

I've never been
to a funeral before.


I just never knew
anyone that died.

I had a pet pig
when I was a kid.

I mean, when he died,
we didn't have a funeral,

we had a barbecue.

Yeah, we won't be
eating Arthur tonight.

I didn't know him very well,
but I still really liked him.

It's weird that he's...
just gone.

I know.

I feel like I want to cry.

Oh... that's-that's fine.

Go ahead.

I can't do it
with you staring at me.


No, I'm dry.

You're a big crybaby--
you start, I'll join in.

I am not a crybaby.

Toy Story 3?

The toys were holding hands
in a furnace!

Look, A-Arthur lived
a full life.

And he inspired
a lot of people.

Sure, he-he was
my childhood hero,

but... the fact that
I got to work with him,

side by side,
before he...

died was...

it was... it was a gift.

(choked up):
It was a gift.

Thank you for being
the emotional one

in this relationship.

I got your back.


Okay, here we go.

Episode I--
The Phantom Menace.


Let's get this over with.

Since we all agree
Episode I isn't our favorite,

maybe we just skip it this time.

Yeah, Howard,
I think you of all people

should avoid espousing
the principle

that if something
is not our favorite

we should just get rid of it.

You know, I heard this way
of watching the movies

called the Machete Order, where
you watch Episodes IV and V,

then skip Episode I,

watch II and III
as a flashback,

and then finish with VI.

Okay, so you'd lose
most of Jar Jar,

all the trade route talk,
and the boring senate hearings,

which are like watching C-SPAN
with monsters.

Get rid of the
trade route part?

Then how would Palpatine
get Chancellor Valorum

kicked out of office?


How would he get
himself elected? How?

Can we get through one holiday

without you saying
something ridiculous?

It was just a suggestion.

Well, you know what else
was just a suggestion?

"Why don't we change
the Raisin Bran box?"

Hmm? And you know
who got hurt by that?

Every single person
who eats breakfast!


I think he's taking

this Professor Proton thing
pretty hard.

Should we try to console him?

Or... should we
respect his privacy

in this moment of grief?

By staying here
and watching the movie.

That's what
good friends would do!

(movie playing over TV)

Well, at least
without Sheldon here,

we got to start
with Episode IV.

Mm, true.

(TV clicks off)

I do feel guilty about him.

Me, too.

Maybe we should see
how he's doing.


But after the cantina scene.

(cantina scene music playing)

Look at Arthur...

cracking up at a joke
I told him.

I'll never hear
that laugh again.

ARTHUR: You never
heard it that time.


I thought you were dead.

I am.

Oh, it-it's fantastic.

I mean, this is the longest

that I've gone without
running into a men's room

in-in years.

Why are you here?

I-I don't know.
I was...

I was hoping I was going
to haunt my ex-wife.

I know why.

You've come
to me because

you're my Obi-Wan.

I'm-I'm not...
I'm not familiar with that.

Is... is-is that an...

an Internet?


Uh, you're dead,
so I'm going to let that slide.

Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character
from Star Wars.

After his
physical demise,

he comes to Luke Skywalker
as his mentor in spirit form.

Well, that...
that clears that up.


You must be here
to give me advice.

Well, this... this is weird.

Most-most of my robes open in...

in the back.

Those are your Jedi robes.

Oh, wait. What...?

What-what... what is this?

(lightsaber humming)

Oh! Be careful
with that!


(lightsaber buzzing, humming)



Oh, neato.



I'm, uh... I'm going
to need a Band-Aid.


what did you think
of your first funeral?

Well, I don't want to be a jerk,
but it was kind of a bummer.

Yeah, well, when I die,
you can rent a bounce house.

You think about dying?

Mm. Well, I think more about
if I'd have any regrets.

What would you regret?

Mm, you know,
that I didn't travel more,

take more risks,
learn another language.

You know Klingon.

That's true.

No, I meant that
as a regret.


I just thought of one more.

What's that?

I regret not saying "yes"
when you asked me to marry you.

Well, it just wasn't
the right time.


And this is also
not the right time.

Do not propose.


I know that face.
That's your propose face.

I was not gonna propose.
It's already two to one.

What's two to one?

I proposed twice,
you proposed once. Two to one.

Oh, my... It's
not a contest.

I don't know what
you're upset about.

I'm the one who's losing.

Fine. Would you feel
better if I propose

so you could turn
me down again?

Yeah, I think I would.

Okay. Leonard,
will you marry me?


No, don't you dare.

You reject me right
now and tie things up.

It's just such a big decision.

I don't want
to have any regrets.

Did you ever watch
Professor Proton

when you were a kid?


My dad controlled the TV,

so unless someone
was a Texas Ranger,

Jake or the Fatman,
we didn't see it.

I never watched him, either,
but he seems to be the reason

that Sheldon got interested
in science.

Not me. I got
into science

'cause I was always the
smallest kid in school,

so I thought if I
became a scientist,

I could invent a formula
that made me taller.

That's cute.

Yeah, I thought it was
working for a while,

but then I found out

my brother was just lowering the
pencil marks on the door frame.

How about you?

Oh, I guess
it must have been

back when I was
in the Girl Sprouts.

Girl Sprouts?

My mom made it up as an
alternative to the Girl Scouts.

She didn't want me
selling cookies

on some street corner
"like a whore."

How did that get
you into science?

Oh, I went to the library

and took out a book on biology
to see what whores did.

On the one hand,
if I say yes...

This isn't funny anymore.

Just say no
so we're done with this.

Will you marry me or not?

Ooh, interesting. Did you just
propose to me again?


Because I just heard,
"Will you marry me?"

That's two
proposals, one day.

Sounds like someone wants
to spend the rest of her life

telling people how to spell
the name Hofstadter.

You know what? Fine.
Do whatever you want.


Penny, don't get upset.


I love you, but, no,
I will not marry you.

Thank you.

Now, about that
second proposal.

On the one hand...

(birds chirping)

Where... where... where are we?

This is the
swampland of Dagobah.

It's where Luke was trained
in the ways of the Jedi.


Too bad.
I thought it was Florida.

When Obi-Wan came to Luke
on this very spot,

he gave him all sorts
of helpful advice.

So, um...

what do you got for me?



get... get a prenup.

That's it?

I thought there'd be more
of a reason why you're here.

Well, why-why do you think
I'm here?

I suppose it has something to do
with your recent passing.

Is-is this the...
the first time

you've lost, you know,
someone close to you?

Oh, no. No.

I've already had to say good-bye
to 11 Dr. Whos.

Yeah, I've-I've outlived
a few of my doctors, too.

Of course, my grandfather
died when I was five.

My father died when I was 14.

I'm... I'm sorry about that.

And now you're gone, too.

It's like all the men I've
looked up to have gone away.

Well, you know, it's...

it's okay to...
to be sad about them.

Just... just make sure,
you know, you appreciate

those who... who are
still there for you.

But I do appreciate them.

Well, then,

what am I doing in a swamp...

...dressed like Friar Tuck?

Appreciate them, Sheldon.


Hey, buddy.

Heard you're having a rough day.
You all right?

I'm okay.

How was the funeral?

It was nice, you know.

A lot of people showed up,

told some great stories
about him.

Did you know that Arthur's son
is a high school sci...?

Hey, the guys are about
to start Jedi.

You want to go watch?

I do.

After I make them go back and
watch one through five first.

Sheldon, that-that'll
take us all night.

That's true.

Oh, it's a good thing
I had a nap.

(movie playing over TV)

Boy, some of the
physical comedy

with Jar Jar is a
little tough to watch.

At least they toned him down
in the second one.

Yeah, he is
pretty stupid.

Hey, we can say it.
You can't.

Hey, guys.

Happy Star Wars Day!

(Leonard laughs)

A Death Star cake!
AMY: Yeah.

We were hoping
it might cheer you up.

And even though

it meant we had to
miss the movies,

we could still be
part of the fun.

Well, you didn't
miss anything.

We just started over.

Son of a bitch.

(movie playing over TV)

You're back.

Yeah, apparently, um,

I'm here whenever...
when-whenever you need me.

That's nice.

May-Maybe for you.

Why do I need you now?

Well, as near as I could tell,

you-you fell asleep
watching Star Wars,

and now you're-you're dreaming
you're watching Star Wars.


I mean, don't-don't you see
a problem there?

I mean, how-how

you're spending
your limited time on Earth?

Not at all.

Okay, good luck to you.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man - nowa jako?? napis?w.
Napisy zosta?y specjalnie dopasowane do Twojej wersji filmu.