The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 20 - The Relationship Diremption - full transcript

Penny tries to help Sheldon when he reconsiders his "relationship" with String Theory. During a dinner with Howard and Bernadette, Raj discovers Howard once embarrassed himself on a date with Emily.

I got to tell you, the more
I read about the primordial

gravity wave discovery,
the more excited I get.

I know. Being an
astrophysicist right now

is like being a rock star.

Only without the sex.

Yeah, literally, none of it.

What do you think
about it, Sheldon?


Are you kidding me?

This may be the biggest
scientific breakthrough

of our lifetime. How can you,

as a theoretical

not care about this?

Maybe it's because
I'm not an elitist.

What I'd like to know is:

How does this gravity wave

help the man on the street?

You know?
Wh-Who's looking out

for Joe Six-Pack and all
his quantum physics concerns?

Oh, my God,
you're jealous.

Why would I be jealous?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe because
the origin of the universe

just got proven,

the Higgs field
just got proven

and you've been working
on string theory

for the last 20 years and
you're no closer to proving it

We happen to live
in a golden age of television.

Excuse me,


Sorry for eavesdropping,
but there actually was

some big string theory news

out of the Hadron Collider.

Really? Did they find evidence
to support extra dimensions

or supersymmetry?

No, but they did find evidence
that you'll believe anything.


Why would you do that?

You're a string theorist
as well.

I am a string pragmatist.

I say I'm gonna prove something
that cannot be proved,

I apply for grant money,

and then I spend it
on liquor and broads.


Do you think he's right?

Am I wasting my life on a theory
that can never be proven?

Maybe. But how great
is Game of Thrones?

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 7x20 ♪
The Relationship Diremption
Original Air Date on April 10

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Hey, you're up early.

I couldn't sleep.

I told you those Walking Dead
pillowcases were a bad idea.

No, that's not it.

Is something bothering you?

Yes, but you wouldn't

Oh, come on, try me.

All right.

I've devoted the prime
of my life to string theory

and its quest
for the compactification

of extra dimensions.

I've got nothing to show for it,
and I feel like a fool.

Okay. I get it.

I mean, not all the jibberjabber
in the middle, but...

I know what it's like

to put your heart and soul
into something

and get nothing out of it.

You mean your acting career?


Your relationship with Leonard?


Your failed attempt
to go back to college?


I'm saying you

and string theory sound
like a relationship,

and I know what it's like
to be in one

and realize it's never gonna
turn out the way you want.

I said Leonard; you said no.

I'm talking about other guys.


Well, what do you do?

(sighs) You have to have the courage
to end the relationship.

You know? Break it off,
shake hands, walk away.


I don't know if I can do that.

I know it's hard, honey,
but in the end,

that's how you grow.

(Leonard loudly blowing nose)

Penny, have you seen
my good inhaler?

Break it off,
shake hands, walk away.

(blows loudly)

Hey, how's dating
two women going?

Um, kind of hit a bump.

When I was honest and told Emily
she wasn't the only person

I was seeing, it went great.

So I tried the same thing
with Lucy.


She had mixed feelings.

But when I said,
"Emily was cool with it.

Emily's the best. Why can't you
be more like Emily?"...

...those feelings
became less mixed.

Women. Who knows
what'll set 'em off?

At least now I can focus all
my energies on just one girl.

I hope I get to meet her
as soon as possible.

Why the rush?
She isn't going anywhere.

(chuckles) She is. But I like
that attitude.

Gentlemen, is anybody interested
in my old string theory books?

You're really
going to do this?

I am. Yeah, Penny pointed out
that what I'm going through

is essentially a breakup.

And according
to Cosmopolitan magazine,

one of the most effective
techniques for moving on

is to get rid of all reminders
of the relationship.

You're reading Cosmo?

as it turns out,
there's an article,

on how to get over a breakup
in literally every issue.


it suggests that I
set these on fire,

but the smell of burning books

reminds me of church picnics
in East Texas.

What's this?

that's just a doodle of
a hyperelliptic Riemann surface.

Oh, yeah. Wasn't that the basis
of your postdoc fellowship?

It was.

This seemed so elegant
at the time,


now I realize I was just
a simple country boy

seduced by a big city theory

with variables
in all the right places.

It's going to be okay.
I know.

As hard as this is,
I have to move on.

I can't keep postulating
multidimensional entities

and get nothing in return.

(choking up):
I have needs, too.


So, you and Emily
still together?

(Leonard and Wolowitz chuckle)

(clanging, punching sounds
on TV)

I spoke to Bernadette.
She's free tomorrow night.

Oh, okay, great.

But if we're really gonna do
a double date,

then we have to go over
some ground rules about Emily.

Like when it turns out
she's made of rubber,

I don't say anything?

She's very real.

Oh, that's what it says
on the box.

Right next to "dishwasher safe."


This is exactly
the kind of thing

I'm worried about you
saying in front of her.

I promise I'll be
on my best behavior.

You better be. No jokes about
how close I am with my dog.

Or the truth about how close
I am with my dog.

You got it.

No jokes about the
year I took ballet.

You took ballet?

God, you never listen.

Are you sure you
want to do this?

The magazine articles suggest
that one of the ways

to get over a breakup
is a new look.

Mmm. What about your old look,

well-groomed ventriloquist doll?

"Oh, my God, I do look like that."
Stop it!

So, how do you want me to cut it?

how about Bill Gates
meets Nikola Tesla?

So, business in the front,

science in the back.

Or I don't cut it

and maybe just style it
a little.

Oh, I'm in
your hands.

Do a good job and I'll tell you
Cosmo's ten dynamite tips

to enjoy your PMS.

Can you keep him quiet?

Maybe jangle some keys
in front of him?

That doesn't
work anymore.

He just thinks I'm taking him
to the doctor.

So, now that you're
no longer invested

in string theory,
what are you gonna pursue?

Oh, there are so
many exciting areas:

black holes, dark matter...

Leonard was telling me
about dark matter,

but I didn't
really understand it.

Don't feel bad.
Neither does he.


what do you think?

Have you ever even seen
a picture of Tesla?

It actually
looks good, Sheldon.

Doesn't it?

I suppose I could see myself
in a scientific boy band.

Of course, I'd be the dreamy one
and the smart one.

(door opens)

Sorry I'm late.

What did you do?

I gave him a new look.
It's cute, huh?

Yeah, it's cute.
That's the problem.

I don't need other girls
to see him walking around

like sex on a stick.

She's right.
I'm too hot.

I'm excited
to meet Emily.

Me, too. I just hope
he doesn't blow it.

Why would you
say that?

Because he's Raj--
that's his thing. (chuckles)

Beckham can bend it, Ralph
can wreck it, Raj can blow it.

Look, I don't want it
to happen,

but odds are he's gonna
find a way to...

Oh, crap,
I know that girl.


In a bad way, very bad.

Hey, guys.

Whatever you hear tonight,
just remember I love you.


Emily, these are my good
friends, Howard and Bernadette.

Guys, this is Emily.
Nice to meet you.


Have we met before?

Uh... no.

I-I don't...

I don't... think so.

You sure? You look familiar.

Well, you sure don't.

You I know,
you I know, you?

Total stranger.

Even if you had yummy candy,
I would not get in your van.

Did you go to that spin class
on Green Street?

That must be it.

Since when do you go
to spin class?

Wow. Now who doesn't listen?

your food's getting cold.

What are you doing?
Oh, looking through

my textbooks
for a new field of inquiry.

Why do we have a geology book?

Leonard, did you throw

a children's party
while I was in Texas?

Wait. What's wrong with geology?

Let me put this in a way
you'll understand, Penny.

You remember
how you explained to me

that the Kardashians
aren't real celebrities?

Well, geology

is the Kardashians of science.

Have you considered

studying standard model physics?

You want me
to give up string theory

for something
that's less advanced?

You know, why don't you break up
with Penny

and start dating a brown bear?

Like you could
get a brown bear.

Hey, I've got a good job.

I could buy salmon.
You don't know.

Maybe you could make
your new field of study

the calculation
of nuclear matrix elements.

Oh, please.

If I wanted to take up a fad,
I'd get a tramp stamp.

What about loop quantum gravity?

(in high-pitched, fancy British voice):
Oh, Duchess, look at me.

My quantum gravity's
positively loopy.

Who's the duchess?

One of the people
that lives in his head.

I hope he's this distraught
if he ever breaks up with me.

Well, if he does, I'll see
if my bear has a friend.

Sheldon, have you
ever considered

not rushing into something new?

I mean, why don't you
take your time,

enjoy your freedom?

Maybe something new
to study will find you.

That's actually not bad advice.

You know, I didn't seek out
string theory.

It just hit me
over the head one day.

How does that happen?

A bully chased me through
the school library

and hit me over the head with
the biggest book he could find.

Okay, how about we toast
your newfound freedom?

Ah, normally
I refrain from alcohol,

but since my cerebral cortex is
twiddling its proverbial thumbs,

why not soak it in grape juice

that's been predigested
by a fungus?

And you wonder why other
children beat you with books.


Emily, what
do you do?

I'm a dermatology resident
at Huntington Hospital.

Mmm, and you know
what that means.

Someone's skin's about
to be softer than ever.

This is making
me crazy.

I know I know you
from somewhere.

Oh, uh, Howard
was an astronaut.

Maybe that's where you saw him.

That's amazing.

What was that like?

It was the most incredible
experience of my life.

Up there
in the space station, you're...

Oh, my God, I remember.

Can I finish my astronaut story?

It was four years ago.

Please don't say it.
We were set up on a blind date.

Please don't say it.
You came to my apartment.

You're saying it.

Well, wh-what happened?

Yeah, what happened?
Okay, I'll say it.

(clears his throat)

I was on the way to pick her up.

My stomach felt a little funny.

When I got there, I asked
if I could use her bathroom.

Please don't say it.

One roll of toilet paper
and 20 minutes later,

I was so humiliated,

I snuck out the window
and never saw her again.

You know what else
I never saw again--

my security deposit.

I'm sorry.

I tried to unclog it,
but you didn't have a plunger,

and water was
spilling out everywhere.

Right, just water.

Look, I have felt terrible
about this for years,

and I'm glad
I have the opportunity

to tell you
just how sorry I am.

It's fine.

All my friends love this story.

They call you Clogzilla.

Get it?

Because you clogged up
her bathroom

like a radioactive monster!

(both laughing)

Yeah, yeah, I get it.


Well, hey, it's not like
cotton candy

comes out of you.

Come on, let's
get you to bed.

You've had a lot
to drink.

No more than Penny.

That's what I'm saying.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Empty room.

Empty room.

Empty room.

If somebody says "Come in,"
I'm gonna freak out.

So, Emily, why did you

decide to specialize
in dermatology?

I like cutting
people with knives,

and all the other jobs where
you get to do that are illegal.

You're kidding, right?

(close-mouthed muttering)


She's scary,
but it's a cute scary.


Can I say just one more thing?

I had some kind
of food poisoning that day.

Sure, in retrospect,
gas station sushi--

maybe not the best choice.

Nor was climbing out

your window and running away.

But I think
we can all understand

how humiliating that was,
and I'd really

appreciate it
if we could move on.

Howie, we moved on
a long time ago.

I'm just saying...
We moved on.

Okay. Fine.

How's your soup?

Ah, it's all right.

They could've filled
the bowl a little more.

(muffled laughter)

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

I need some fresh air.

Been there.


Oh, no.

What have I done?

How you feeling?

Not so good.

Are you gonna introduce me
to your friend?

It's not my friend.

Nothing happened.

I don't know.

I heard you reading pretty loud
last night.

Oh, dear Lord.

Where's Amy?

After she put you to bed,
she went home.


I should call her and apologize.


Oh, no.

Apparently, I called
Stephen Hawking last night.

First new message.


It's your old buddy

How come you didn't
pick up the phone?!

Oh, right. My bad.

You're awful quiet.
Everything okay?

Not really.

I had a bit
of an embarrassing evening.

Ugh. Me, too.
What happened?

I drank alcohol

and may have left an unfortunate
voice mail for Stephen Hawking.

I wouldn't worry about it.

He's got a pretty good
sense of humor.

Oh, I hope so.

What happened to you
last night?

Oh, well, turns out

I'd already met the girl
Raj is seeing

when I did a number
on her bathroom.

And that number was two.

Well, you know,
I've always been a fan

of a story told
by Attar of Nishapur,

about a king

who assembled a group
of wise men

to create a ring that would
make him happy when he was sad.

And that ring

was inscribed with the phrase,
"This too shall pass."

Hey, Cooper!
Oh, my God.

I heard you drunk-dialed
Stephen Hawking last night?


Get out of here, Barry.

Whatever you say...


Clogzilla. That's pretty funny.

I don't think
that's gonna pass.

Next message.

It's me again!

I gave up string theory.

You should give up black holes,

and we can totally
solve crimes together!

Next message.

Do you know what's great?!

Geology. Oh!

Look at this geode!

That's fun to say!

Gee... ode! Gee... ode!

Next message.

Gee... ode!

Gee... ode!

I kiss girls now.

Next message.

Hey, guess who I am!

Beep bop boop bop!

I'm you! Get it?!

Next message.

Are you mad at me?

Oh, no, you're mad at me.

I'm so sorry!

Beep bop boop bop.

Next message.

SHELDON: Thiospinel sulfide.
Thiospinel sulfide.

That's even more fun
than "gee... ode."

Hey, did you see
The Lego Movie?

What a jackass.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==