The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 14 - The Convention Conundrum - full transcript

When the guys can't get hold of any Comic-Con tickets, Sheldon tries to hold his own convention and ends up spending a wild night with James Earl Jones. Meanwhile, the girls try to feel more mature by going to a fancy hotel for tea.

T-minus 60 seconds!

Oh, it all comes
down to this!

Oh, I've got

Don't get soft on me,

I will slap those glasses
right off your face.

What's going on?

Hey. We're about
to buy tickets for Comic-Con.


T Minus 45 seconds!

They sell out incredibly
fast, but as long

- as one of us gets in, we can buy passes...
- Good Lord,

this is not the time for
flirting! Keep it in your pants!

It's a whole lot
of weird before coffee.

T-minus 30 seconds!

Oh, I have to go
to the bathroom so bad.

Every year!
I told you, wear a diaper!

And I told you
I get diaper rash!

15 seconds!

Oh, this is it!

This is it!

This is it.


four, three,

two, one.

It's live. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Anyone in?!

Not yet! Nope!

Do not stop
refreshing your screens!

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.


Refresh. Refresh.

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh...

Yeah, this is not
gonna be enough coffee.

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 7x14 ♪
The Convention Conundrum
Original Air Date on January 30, 2014

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Refresh... Refresh... Refresh...

Refresh... Refresh...



Refresh. It's been ten minutes!

We're running out of time.

To be cool? Yeah.

I did it! I did it!
I'm in the queue!

And they say firefighters
are the real heroes.

Uh, what number
in line are you?

Uh, 15...

...thousand, 211.


Oh, they only have Thursday
and Sunday passes left.


Oh, Thursday's gone.
Just Sunday left.

Oh, Sunday's the worst!

Everybody's leaving, most
of the good panels are over,

and the only T-shirts they have
left are small and XXXXL.

Sunday's gone.

Not Sunday! I love Sunday!

So that's it?
Everything's sold out?


I can't believe we're not going.

It's okay.

You know, there-there's always
WonderCon in Anaheim, you know?

That-That's just as good.

Excuse me.

Oh, guys, this is really sad.

And in a different way
than it was 20 minutes ago.

I can't believe we wasted all
that time on our Hulk costumes.

What? You were all going
as the Hulk?

Not the same Hulk.

Ferrigno, Bana,
Norton and Ruffalo.

We would have been
the angry green belles

of the masquerade ball.

Yeah. Yeah.

And we're back
to the first kind of sad.

Gentlemen, I have the solution
to our Comic-Con problem.

We don't need them.

I'm starting my own convention.

Sheldon, just buy
scalped tickets with us.

I told you. Buying scalped
tickets is against the rules.

If you get caught,
you get

banned from Comic-Con for life.

Life, Leonard.

You're gonna feel pretty silly
when we're 80 years old,

and you have
to drive me down there

and then wait in the car
for three days.

Do what you want.

We're getting
scalped tickets.

Oh, I already found a guy online
who's willing to sell.

How do you know
this isn't a sting operation

set up by the Comic-Con police?

The same way I know

that the people
in the TV set can't see me.

just come with us.

You're not gonna make
your own convention.

You know, there was a time

when Comic-Con didn't exist
at all until one lone dreamer

with a unique vision
made it happen.

And you mark my words--
I'm gonna rip that guy off.

Yes, I'm starting
my own comic book convention,

and I thought that your client,
Robert Downey Jr., would be

perfect to appear
on our first panel.

Oh, well, now,
why are you saying "no"?

You haven't even
asked him yet.

You know, excuse me,

but I sat through Iron Man 2.

I believe he owes me two hours
of his time.

They hung up on me.

Did you tell them that
you're holding your convention

at a Marie Callender's,

and that every panelist
gets a free slice of pie?

I didn't even get to that part.

Look, even your friend
Wil Wheaton thinks

this is a
waste of time.

Not true.

Wil thinks
this is a great idea.

He was just concerned that
he wasn't a big enough celebrity

to headline
such an amazing event.

Also, that's the same day
that he shampoos his beard.

Sheldon, buddy,
I just don't think

this is going
to come together for you.

You don't know that.

I still have plenty
of solid leads on this list.

- Good luck.
- No, wait.

I need you to call Stan Lee,
Leonard Nimoy

and Bill Nye the Science Guy...

'cause, legally,
I'm not allowed to.

Oh, and, also,

Carrie Fisher, you know,

'cause I hear
she can be pretty nuts.

I can't believe

Leonard is spending hundreds
of dollars on scalped tickets.

Last week, you spent that
on a little dress.

Yeah, but those tickets
only get him into Comic-Con.

That dress gets me
into anywhere I want.

Those tickets
were pretty expensive.

I had to give Howie an advance
on his allowance.

Now he's never gonna
put his toys away.

Why can't they do
something sensible

like Sheldon and start their
own comic book convention?

Also, who wants
to throw me out that window?

Oh, while they're acting
like teenagers,

we could do something grown-up.

Oh. You mean like a museum?

Yes, like a museum,
but anything else.

Oh, I know.

There's a nice hotel
not far from here

where they do
afternoon tea.

Ooh, afternoon tea--
how sophisticated of us.

Oh, all right,
if we're gonna be fancy,

I should probably put on
clean underwear.


Look who has
clean underwear.

No, we're gonna stop at Target
on the way.

Hey, since Sheldon's
not going to Comic-Con,

maybe we could find a cool trio
to dress up as.

What if we go as The Fantastic
Four, and just tell people

that the Invisible Girl
is standing there with us.

Oh, and I thought our days
of pretending

to be with women
who don't exist were over.

I am one step away

from securing a huge guest
for my convention.

Does that step
include chloroform

and a roll of duct tape?

I don't think that
will be necessary

for Mr. James Earl Jones.

You heard me.

The voice of Darth Vader,

the Lion King's dad,

and FYI, the guy who says,
"This is CNN."

Which also sounds
like Darth Vader.

How are you gonna get
James Earl Jones?

Earlier today, he Tweeted

that he's looking forward

to going to his favorite
sushi restaurant for dinner.

I Googled an interview
from four years ago

which was conducted in
his favorite sushi restaurant.

That's where he'll be, and
that's where I'm going, and...

And that's where

Darth Vader's gonna pour
soy sauce on your head.

Sheldon, I don't care if you get
scalped tickets with us or not,

but please don't be creepy
and go stalking this poor guy.

You're gonna get in trouble.

You're the ones
who are going to get in trouble.

You're buying
non-transferable tickets.

And from a stranger, no less.

Not only can you get
banned from Comic-Con,

if caught, you could be charged
with petty theft.

You think about that while
I'm warning James Earl Jones

out the danger of posting
his location on Twitter.

He got lucky this time.

There are some weirdoes
out there.

♪ Bom, bom, bom

♪ Bom, badum, bom, badum

♪ Bom, bom, bom,
bom, badum, bom, badum ♪

♪ Badala, baba,
badalum, bom ♪

♪ Badala, bom, bom, bu...

Forgot my keys.
♪ Bom, bom

♪ Bom, bom, badum,
bom, badum... ♪

Okay, great. Bye.

Our friendly
neighborhood scalper

says he's running late.

Does he sound like a criminal?

What do you mean?

You know,
did he say things like,

"Youse guys,"
or "Listen here, see?"

Yes. He-He's late

because he's on his way here
from 1940.

I'm just saying.

We don't know
who this guy is.

What if he wants to steal
our money or our kidneys,

or make a suit out
of our skins?

Why would someone want to make
clothes out of your skin?

I don't know.

Maybe 'cause
dark doesn't show the stains?

Well, now
you're making me wonder

if we should have met him
at a neutral location.

Why do you think I told him
to come to your place?

There sure are a lot
of little kids here.

I can't believe we thought this
would makes us feel grown up.

I can't believe the waiter
thought I was your daughter.

Well, last time I got dressed up
and had tea was when I was five.

Just me, my teddy bear,
Raggedy Ann and my hamster.

- That's cute.
- It was.

Till my hamster ate
all her babies.

It got less cute really fast.

Should we leave?

Well, there's a bar
in the lobby.

I could go for a drink.

Aw. Drinking in the afternoon,
just like her mommy.

Let me guess.

You like Star Wars.

You know, I've been
in other movies.

But you don't care
about those, do you?

I have one thing to say
to people like you...

I like Star Wars, too!

Care to join me?

Oh... thank you.

My friend Leonard said
if I bothered you

while you were eating, you'd
think I was a creepy stalker.


your friend Leonard sounds
like a real weenie.

He is, Mr. Earl Jones, he is.

Okay, so, I'm
on a Comic-Con message board,

and there's a post from a guy

where he says he got caught
using someone else's badge...

and Sheldon was right-- he did
get charged with petty theft.

Guys... if I go to jail
dressed as the Human Torch,

that might send
the wrong message.

Maybe this isn't
a good idea.

I can text the guy and tell him
we changed our minds.

Do it.


We're officially
not going to Comic-Con.

Hold on.
We always do this.

Do what?

Chicken out.
We're-we're so afraid

of getting into trouble that
we never do anything wrong.

That's 'cause
we're the good guys.

Even Batman breaks the rules.

You know I struggle with Batman.

I-I say, this one time,
instead of wimping out,

let's be badasses!

Okay, I'll be a badass--

but only if you pinky-swear
to be one, too.

Howard, you in on this?

No need. I'm breaking rules
all the time.

Name one.

Last night.

Drank my Pepto
straight out of the bottle.

What about that little
cup they give you?


What about it?

A-Are you
impressed by that?

- A little.
- Yeah, me, too.

You know, when I first read the
script for Empire Strikes Back

and Darth Vader told Luke
he was his father...

...I thought for sure
he was lying.

Me, too!

But he wasn't, was he?

He was not!

How messed up was that?!

So messed up.

What do you say
let's go have some fun?

My wife's
in New York,

and I got a Lion King
residual check

burning a hole in my pocket.

So, afternoon tea
was a bust.

On the bright side,
every six-year-old there

was jealous of my tiara.

Not gonna lie--
it felt good.

Let me ask you a question:

When did you guys
start feeling grown up?

'Cause I am not sure I do.

Honestly, I thought when
I got married I would,

but I still kind of feel
like I'm pretending.

It doesn't help that most of
my clothes come from Gap Kids.

Okay, so I'm an adult,

and the other day I saw
an old man slip and fall down,

and I laughed.

I mean, I laughed hard.


out loud.

If he was conscious,
he would've heard me.

- Oh, my gosh.
- I know.

One of the tennis balls
came off his walker

and bounced right off his head.
I mean...

I... I almost wet myself.

I guess you had to be there.

I think I have
you both beat.

Imagine trying to feel
like a grown-up

when you've never
even been with a man.

Okay, sex is not
what makes you a grown-up.

Yeah. Or you'd be
the oldest one here.


Is that how you talk
to your mother?

He just parked.
He's on his way up.

Good. This is exciting.

- It is. I feel alive.
- Yeah.

What if we do get caught;
who cares?

So we get banned from Comic-Con.

- Maybe slapped with a fine.
- Oh, no.

I'll be an astronaut
and a bad boy--

how will women
keep their pants on?

Uh, maybe it'll come up when
I apply for citizenship.

Oh, crap, what if it comes up
when I apply for citizenship?

I wonder if we'd have
to disclose something like this

when we apply for grants.

He's gonna be here any second--
what should we do?

You guys are such babies.

I'll handle this.

If he thinks we're not home,
he'll go away.

I thought you
were a badass.

I lied about the Pepto--
I always use the little cup!

Is it true, as a child,
you were a stutterer

and were functionally
mute for eight years?

- It is true.
- Oh.

Is it true they
used scuba gear

to create the sound of
Darth Vader breathing?

- They sure did.
- Oh.

Is it true that you
were premed in college

and you almost
became a doctor?

That's right.

Oh, James!

I could listen
to your stories all night.

I mean, really, what's
so great about being grown up?

Well, for starters, we'd be
splitting this check three ways.

I'm serious.
Who wants to do all that stuff?

Have insurance, pay mortgages,

leave one of those little notes
when you hit a parked car.

I told you
it was Penny.

Oh, come on, it wasn't me.

Anyone could have knocked
your mirror off...

or whatever happened.

Maybe the guys
are right.

I mean, we spent the whole
night trying to be mature,

and it was kind of boring.

I'm sure they're having
more fun than we are.

Oh, God, I could really use

exactly two tablespoons
of Pepto right now.

Hey, Los Angeles!

I'm on a Ferris wheel
with Darth Vader!

And he's nicer than you think!

I am!

♪ In the jungle, the mighty jungle ♪
♪ Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh... ♪

♪ The lion sleeps tonight

Bring it home, Mufasa.

♪ Eee...
♪ Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh... ♪

♪ Eee, eee, eee

♪ Ah, um-a-weh...

I don't understand
what we're doing.


Whose house is that?

Carrie Fisher.

And she's a little crazy,

so get ready to run.

It's not funny anymore, James!

Then why am I laughing!

Ah, Sheldon, this
is the perfect end

to a perfect night.


Yeah, but I think

it could have ended
with the karaoke.

What were you trying to ask me
at the strip club?


How much does it cost
to get them off my lap?

No. Something
about a convention.

Oh, right!

my friends and I couldn't
get into Comic-Con this year,

and I was trying to start
my own convention,

and I was going

to ask if you
would be a panelist.

Why don't you and your friends
come to Comic-Con with me?

- Really?
- Of course.

And San Diego is
right across the border

from my favorite city on Earth,


...where I'm taking you
every night!


Ay-yi-yi, bang-bang.

So, Beau Bridges
is on my shoulders,

and Jeff Bridges is
on Marlon Brando's shoulders,

and remember, we do not have
permission to be in the pool--

Hey! Sheldon, wake up!


Angie Dickinson is
about to sic the dogs on us,

and I go under the water and
Marlon goes under the water,

and the water raises
about two feet

and sloshes all
over her patio,

and the dogs freak out
and run like hell, and

then we run like hell...

Oh, boy!

That was a lot of fun.

Uh... who's Angie Dickinson?

== sync, corrected by elderman ==