The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 6, Episode 9 - The Parking Spot Escalation - full transcript

The gang are drawn into a fight between Howard and Sheldon over Sheldon's vacant parking spot at the university.

- They are not.
- They are, too.

Your hypothesis is
completely disconfirmed

by all the data.

You're just clinging to it

out of intellectual

No, you're displaying
a shocking ignorance

of the subject matter.

Mummies and zombies
are the exact same thing.

Oh, yeah?

Mummies are wrapped in bandages.

That's called a fashion choice.

All right,
you brought this on yourself.

Sheldon, get him.

If a zombie bites you,

you turn into a zombie.

However, if a mummy bites you,

all you turn into is
some schmo with a mummy bite.

So, like a zombie,

that's been eaten
from the waist down,

you, sir,
have no leg to stand on.

Good boy.
Here's a cookie.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, fellas, what's going on?

Mummies and zombies again.

Oh, they're not the same thing.

You get a cookie, too.


Guess who picked up his
new car this morning?


- Does it have that new car smell?
- Yep!

For as long as I can keep
my mother out of it.

If you want to check
it out later,

it's parked right out front,
space 294.

I'm sorry-- 294?

- Yeah.
- That's my parking spot.

Why do you have a parking spot?

You don't have a car.
You don't even drive.

It doesn't matter.

That's my spot.

Maybe they reassigned it
because you never use it.

Well, I'm not using
my nipples, either.

Maybe they should
reassign those.

someday, if you get a car,

I'm sure they'll give you
another parking space.

I don't want
another parking space.

I want my parking space.

It's perfect.

It's a corner spot,

cutting the risk of
door-dings in half.

It's a mere 28 steps
from the building entrance.

The nearby tree provides shade
on hot days

and is also home
to a delightful squirrel.

Which is fortuitous

because most squirrels
are real jerks.

Fun story.

you still don't have a car.

Don't try to change the subject.

This is about a parking space.

It has nothing to do with cars.

- Are you listening to yourself?
- I always listen to myself.

It's one of the great joys
of my life.

Now, get your car
out of my spot.


Very well.

You leave me no choice.

What are you looking at,
you stupid squirrel?

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 6x09 ♪
The Parking Spot Escalation
Original Air Date on November 29, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

President Siebert,
listen to reason.

Yeah, I understand
I don't use the parking spot,

but that's not the point.


Yes, I'm aware you told me
not to call you at home.

But you didn't answer the door!

And I know

you were there, because I saw
you through the mail slot.

Well, that's some
salty language.

May I remind you that you're the
president of a major university,

not the president
of the Potty Mouth Club.

There it is again.

Do you kiss your mother
with that mouth?

Oh, well, I'm sorry
for your loss.

- Oh...!
- Good night, sir.


He says Wolowitz deserves
my spot

because he's a high-profile
asset to the university.

Well, he's not wrong.

Howard did go to the
International Space Station.

Yeah, that was five weeks ago.

How much longer
is he gonna milk that cow?

Sheldon, let it go.

It's not a big deal.

No, no, this is
a slippery slope, Leonard.

It starts with a parking space.

Where does it end?

It's like my dad always said,

"First they say you can't drink
and drive.

"Next thing you know,
you can't let your 10-year-old

take the wheel while you sleep
one off in the backseat."

All that story does is make me
feel bad for your mother.

Leonard, you're my best friend.

Why don't you ever take my side?

Because I can never
understand your side!

Give it back.

I'm sorry,

but could you be more specific?

My Iron Man helmet.

Koothrappali saw you take it.
Give it back.

Oh, that.

Well, see, I wanted it,

and you weren't using it.

Apparently, those are the rules
we live by now.


it truly is the B word,
isn't it?

Sheldon, that is a $500
limited edition collectible,

and I want it back.

I'd love to help you out,
but unfortunately,

I'm using it.


I'm taking your diploma.

Go ahead.

That's the only doctorate
you'll ever get.

It smells funny in here.

We're so proud of you, Amy.

Your first bikini wax.


So, how you doing?

A little sensitive, but not bad.

Does it always take that long?

Uh, no,

they usually don't have
to go out and get more wax.

I feel like I'm
five pounds lighter.

Really? Only five?

Hey, anybody want a drink?

- Okay.
- Sure.

So, did you spend
last night hearing

about this silly parking
space fight, too?

For hours. Fortunately,
I couldn't understand most of it

'cause Sheldon was wearing
that stupid robot mask.

Howard was so angry

I had to mash up Benadryl
in his ice cream

to get him to fall asleep.

I guess this is what we get

for being with two
testosterone-fueled alpha males.

At some point, they're
bound to lock horns.

I'm assuming these
are some kind of horns

they bought at Comic-Con?

I'm really sorry
they took Sheldon's spot away.

He shouldn't have to suffer

just because Howard's
such a big deal now.

I know,
Sheldon should just let Howard

have his little moment
in the sun.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, Howard's never gonna
go to space again,

but Sheldon
will always be a genius.

You're right.

And I'm sure Sheldon will get
a fancy parking spot again,

if and when he makes

a worthwhile contribution
to science.

- If and when?
- Okay,

maybe we should change
the subject. Amy, how are

your lady parts?
Still chilly down there?

Hang on.

None of Sheldon's theories

have ever been
definitively proven.

My husband actually went
to outer space.

That's an impressive

He's now an inspiration
to millions of Americans

who know you don't have
to be special

or even qualified
to go into space.

You know, I remember the
first time I got a bikini wax.

My sister did it with melted
Crayolas and duct tape.

It's a bad idea...

Gosh, Amy.
I'm sensing a little hostility.

Is it maybe because,
like Sheldon's work,

your sex life
is also theoretical?


Yeah, well, at least
when we do make love,

Sheldon won't be thinking
about his mother.

And yes, that is a cleverly
veiled reference

to Howard's lifelong obsession

to crawl back
into her spacious womb.

Anyway, to this day,
I still can't see

a box of crayons without
crossing my legs.

I don't have to take this.

I'm gonna go home and have sex
with my husband right now.

Maybe I'll let him do it
to me in the parking spot.

Which sounds dirty,
but I didn't mean it that way!

Okay, here's another one:

If a zombie bites a vampire,

and the vampire bites a human,

does the human become
a vampire or a zombie?

Or a zompire?



I don't have any.

Well, I'm not giving it away.

Hi, Sheldon.

He's in my spot.

Leonard, make him stop
being naked in my spot.

Howard, what are you doing?

He wasn't using it.

And I needed a nice cool piece
of leather

to wiggle my naked ass on.

Get off there.

Give me back my Iron Man helmet.

Give me back my parking space.

You don't need a parking space.
You don't have a car.

You don't need
an Iron Man helmet.

You're not Iron Man.

Well, we appear
to have reached an impasse.

And you know, I have to say,
I thought

you'd be more upset
that your laptop

is sitting on my junk.

I didn't pick up on that.

That's a nice touch.

This is so exciting.

I'm feeling all tingly.

Although that could just be
my newly defoliated bikini zone.

Keep a lookout.

This place is swarming
with campus security.

They will not
hesitate to scold us.

Freaking pigs.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, now,

pull your car into the spot
and let's get out of here.

Wait, I'm leaving my car here?

Yes, and be sure and put
on the emergency brake.

Really makes these
things tough to budge.

Before I park,
come in the backseat.

I want to show you something
I had done today.

All right, color me intrigued.

What do you think?

I think you're high
on paint fumes.

And boy, that's a lot
of Band-Aids.

Okay, Howard's mother
is in, like,

every one
of your wedding photos.

What can I tell ya?
She's a big girl.

Wherever you look,
there she is.

More coffee?

No, Leonard's taking me
to a physics lecture,

and coffee'll
just keep me awake.

Oh, I'll get it.

Oh, looks like someone's on
Team Bernadette.

Where's Howard?

He's not here. What's wrong?

He had my car towed.

It cost me $200 to get it back.

Oh, no.

Where was it parked?

In Sheldon's spot.

That doesn't make sense.

Sheldon doesn't have a spot.

Was it maybe in Howard's spot?

Don't play dumb with me, sister.

You tell your husband
he owes me $200.

Well, that doesn't
make sense, either.

Why not?

Because I'm the one
who had it towed.


Didn't see that one coming,
did ya?

Oh, yeah?

Well, you're not gonna see
this coming.

Ow! Ow!

Oh, my God, are you okay?!

What the hell
do you have in there?!

Just my wallet, keys and
a coffee can full of change

I've been meaning
to take to the bank.

Don't move.
I'll get some ice.

Are you okay?

Get away from me
or I swear to God

I will rip out what's left
of your pubes!

- Here.
- Thanks. Ah!

Amy, you think maybe this has
gotten a little out of hand?

Gee, you think?!

I do.

Penny, Bernadette
and I are sorry.

You hit her! What did I do?

You had my car towed.

You were parked in
Howard's spot!

I was parked in Sheldon's spot!

Sheldon doesn't have a spot!

Guys, I think I need to go
to the emergency room.

Okay, let's go.
I'll drive.

You can see where the tow
truck scratched my car.

The tow truck didn't scratch
your car.

- How do you know?
- 'Cause I did it!

Morning, Professor Stevens.

Don't look at that whiteboard.

That's my math, not your math.

Keep walking, nosey.

What the hell are you doing?


You said I'm not using my space,
so... I'm using it.

Okay, you need to move now.

No, I don't.

You can't stay there forever.

Actually, I have a plastic baggy

strapped to my leg
that says I can.

Give up, Wolowitz.

You've chosen to tangle

with a superior intellect
you can't defeat.

There is nothing you could
possibly do to...

Those aren't gonna help you,

Oh, yes, they are!

I mean, what?!

I'm warning you, Sheldon!

Your threats are empty!

Nothing can move me!

Stop that!

Get out of my spot!

That's it.
I am calling campus security!

You prepare for the
scolding of your life!

What are you idiots doing?!

He's trying to kill me, Leonard!

Video games and rock music

have desensitized
him to violence!

Would you please
talk some sense

into your lunatic roommate?

You're both acting
like lunatics.

- It's just a parking spot.
- It's not just a parking spot!

He can't handle the fact that

I'm a bigger deal
than he is now.

Oh, preposterous!

I have been solely responsible

for this university's six-loop
quantum gravity calculations;

I have changed the way we think

about Bose-Einstein condensates,
and I am also the one

who got Nutter Butters in
the cafeteria vending machine.

Maybe you missed that news
while you were

floating around like a goof
in outer space.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have work to do.

Can you believe this guy?

What I don't believe is that you
tried to run him over.

Oh, like you've never
thought of doing that.

Don't hate me just because
I lived the dream.


Sweet ride!

What are you doing in there?!

Just breaking in your new car.

Stop that!
You stop that!

You know what they say?

Revenge is a dish
best served nude.

Hey, got a minute?

Oh, of course, come in.

This is an authentic Chinese
throwing star,

and I must warn you,

I have seen many people
throw them in movies.

Calm down.

Howard has something he
wants to say to you.

All right.

Sheldon, when this whole thing
with the parking space started,

I had no idea just how much
of a crazy bastard...


that's not how we practiced it.

I had no idea how much that spot
meant to you.

Anyway, I called

President Siebert and told him

it's not worth fighting over
the spot,

so you keep it, and I'll park

in the structure
across the street.

Well, Howard, thank you.

It's quite a gesture
on your part.

You've shown yourself
to be the bigger man.

Thank you.

Which I find totally

I must be the bigger man.

Therefore, you may use my spot
until such time

as I learn to drive
or get a Batmobile.

Wow, okay.

Well, thanks.

I don't know what to say.

There is nothing to say.

Except I'm the bigger man.

I'm not kidding. Say it.

Just say it.

You're the bigger man, Sheldon.

Oh, stop.

And I believe this is yours.

FYI, if you wear that
into a bank,

they will tackle you
to the ground.

I'd like
to propose a toast--

to burying the hatchet.

To burying the hatchet.

You know, I'm kind of glad
this happened.

Me, too.

In some weird way, I kind of
feel like it brought us closer.

Yeah, everybody's happy.

Can I help you?

Yes. According
to information

I gleaned from Yelp,

you had great success when
a santeriasuzy37

brought you a pair
of leather slacks

stained with chicken blood.

I believe I may have
a similar problem.

This cushion experienced
a nude revenge wiggle.

A what?

A naked man sat on it.

Now, here's my concern:

His diet is rich in
fatty deli meats.

What test do you have
to detect lipid residue?

Lipid what?

Lipid residue.

An anal autograph.

A colon calling card,
if you will.

Tuesday okay?

Don't rush it.

We may be dealing
with befoulment

on a molecular level.

Let me write you a ticket.

Is that your son?


Looks like that laptop's
seen better days.

If you're interested,
I'm selling this.

It's only two years old,

16 gigabytes of RAM,

Intel core, i7 processor,

and I can personally guarantee

it has spent less than
20 minutes resting on

an astronaut's penis.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther