The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 6, Episode 22 - The Proton Resurgence - full transcript

Bernadette and Howard offer to watch Raj's dog and live to regret it. Leonard and Sheldon hire their favorite childhood star to make an appearance.

The interface
is pretty simple.

You put your horizontal "x"
coordinate here,

Vertical "y"
coordinate here.

When you're happy with those,
you press this button.

Got it.

Leonard, you'll never guess
who I just found online-- hey!

Nice shot.

Eh, his giant head
did most of the work.

Very mature.

You're lucky
I'm out of silly string.

As I was saying, leonard,

You'll never guess who I just
found online: Professor proton.

You're kidding.

He's still alive?


Who's professor proton?

He was the host
of this great-- hey!


Sorry, tell me
about professor proton.

Professor proton hosted
my favorite science show

When I was a child.

I never missed
an episode.

He demonstrated
scientific principles

Using everyday objects.

It was pretty cool.

Aw, so cute when you use
the word "cool" wrong.

Like when kids say "pasghetti."

Oh, dear lord!

Leonard, look!

He's still available
for parties and events.

We should hire him.

Hire him to do what?

Well, whatever
we want.

Hang out, do

Make him take 12
pictures with us

So we can make
a calendar.

It would be pretty awesome
to hang out with him.

I just used "awesome" wrong,
didn't I?

Well, I'm e-mailing
him right now.

Do you remember
his old theme song?

Of course I do.

# grab your goggles,
put your lab coat on #

# here he comes,
professor proton. #

# our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state #

# then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! #

# the earth began to cool

# the autotrophs began to drool,
neanderthals developed tools #

# we built the wall
# we built the pyramids #

# math, science, history,
unraveling the mystery #

# that all started
with a big bang #

# bang! #

Hey, I just found out

I have to be at
the telescope lab all weekend.

Any chance you and bernadette
could take care of my dog?

Why don't you put her
in a kennel?

Why don't you put your mother
in a home?

To be honest,
she'd do better in the kennel.

I'll talk to bernie.

I'm sure it's fine.

Thank you.

It's happening!
It's happening!

Professor proton is coming
to our house.

You're kidding!

You mean the guy who used
to host that lame kids show?

And you just
got yourself uninvited.

See? I told you I'd find
a tactful way to do that.

How'd you get him to
come to your house?

As professor proton
always says,

"there is no problem
you can't solve

If you use your noggin."

And he wrote him a check.
Yeah, that, too. Big check.

Uncle howard!

Cinnamon's here
for her sleepover party!

You know if you had a stroke,
she'd eat you, right?

And it would be my pleasure
to be her num-num.

Okay, so what do I need to know
to take care of her?

It's very simple.

For breakfast, she has
an egg-white frittata.

Feel free
to give her a choice

Of home fries or
an english muffin, but not both.

We're watching our weight.

Uh, for dinner,
something simple--

A veal chop, some scampi,
whatever you like.

Classy dog.

Also, don't forget
to close the toilet

Or she'll drink out of it.

I feel for ya.

I've got a psychotic mommy, too.

Leonard, are you in bed?


Me, too.


I can't sleep.


Well, I can, so shut up.

Do you realize that
in less than nine hours,

Arthur jeffries,
aka professor proton,

Will be in our apartment?

Sheldon, you know that
if you stay up all night,

You're gonna be sleepy tomorrow.

And a sleepy sheldon
is a cranky sheldon.

And a cranky sheldon...

Is actually no different than
a regular sheldon.

Good night!

I'm thinking
of wearing a tuxedo.

That's not ridiculous.

Good night.

Do you have cufflinks?


Ah, just as well.
Where can you rent a tuxedo

At 3:00 in the morning?

Okay, good night.

Nice to meet you,
professor proton.

Nice to meet you,
professor proton.

Nice to meet you,
professor proton.

Nice to meet you,
professor proton.

Nice to meet you, prof...




I still can't sleep.

She really tuckered
herself out at the park, huh?

Yeah, you two were so
cute playing together.

It was kind of fun
throwing a ball

And not having anyone
laugh at me.

And you were sweet
not to throw it too far

So she didn't wear out
her tiny legs.

Yeah, that's what I was doing.

You know, there were
a few moments today

When I almost felt like
we were a little family.


I never thought of
myself as a mom,

But when the three of us
were out there having fun,

I felt like maybe
someday we could do it.

Of course we can.

Especially if our baby's
as calm and quiet

As little cinna...

Son of a bitch, she's gone!

Where'd she go?!

I don't know!
She didn't leave a note!

You were the one

Who was supposed to put her
back in the stroller!

No, I wasn't! You were!

No, I wasn't!
Yes, you were!

Yeah, well,
you throw like a girl!

I'm getting worried.

Relax, sheldon, he's only
a few minutes late.

Professor proton was never late
when he was on tv.

You know, every day, 4:00,
he was there.

Unless tornadoes
were ripping apart east texas,

In which case,
we'd join him in progress.

(cell phone ringing)

It's him.


Well, I see.


All right, we can come get you.

Yeah, well, see you soon.

Where is he?

The third floor landing.

The poor old guy's been walking
up the stairs for half an hour.

It's really you.

Mr. Jeffries, I am so sorry.

We should've told you
about the broken elevator.

I agree.

Professor proton,
it's an honor to meet you.

Just-just call me arthur.


...You hear that?

Professor proton said

I should call him arthur.

That means we're friends.


A friend would've-would've
told me about the elevator.

Look at me.

I can get as close
to you as I want

Without my mom saying
it's going to ruin my eyes.

Is, uh, is he dangerous?

he's a genius.

I am.

Th-that doesn't answer
my question.

Mr. Jeffries,
I'm-I'm leonard.

This is my
girlfriend, penny.



Well, I hope I haven't kept

The kids waiting too long
for-for the show.

Oh, no,
there are no kids.

No, the-the show's for me.

Come on. I'll race ya...


Is the, is the blonde girl
really your-your girlfriend?

Yes, sir.

You're the genius.

So, do you do a lot
of appearances like this?

It-it's hard to say.

I'm-I'm still trying
to figure out what...

What-what this is.

We just wanted
to hang out with you

And maybe learn
a little about your life.

Well, there-there really isn't
too much to tell.

After the tv show
was-was canceled,

Nobody in the scientific world

Would, uh, would take me

So I was forced

To do these, uh,
children's parties

To-to make a living.

That's too bad.

But still, working with kids--
it must be rewarding.

You-you get bit a lot.

Let me see
if-if I have this straight.

You-you two are-are physicists,

And-and you,
and you want me

To do a children's...
Science show?


And if there's time,

Take 12 pictures with us
in seasonal clothing.

You know,

I'm a real scientist.

I-I have a phd
from cornell university.

Yeah, that's great.

Did you bring
your puppet?

No, no.

I-I hate that puppet.

Oh, no.

How could anybody hate

Gino the neutrino?

It's nice, huh?

I got him for
20 bucks on ebay.

(italian accent):
Including a-shipping!

I'm... I'm
awake, right?

Th-this is happening?



You know, maybe she doesn't
recognize her name

Because of raj's accent.

Good thinking.

(indian accent):
Cinnamon, come to daddy!

(indian accent):

Where are you,
my little lamb chop?



When this all blows over,
remember that voice.

It's kind of a turn-on.

It turns you on
when I sound like raj?


Okay, as-as I put
the egg on top,

And-and the
flame goes out

And-and the air pressure

In-in the flask,

What do you think will happen?

I think I know.

It's gonna get
sucked in.

It's going to
get sucked in.

Okay, I didn't know.


See, I'm not
a scientist like them.

I-I figured that out.

Uh, potato clock.
Do potato clock.

What's that?

I-I power a clock
with a, with a potato.

Shut up!

You can do that?

I mean...

Wouldn't that solve
the world's energy crisis?


Look, guys,

Keep your money.
I-I think, uh...

I-I think I'm done.

What-what's wrong?

Is she upsetting you?

Because I can
make her go away.

No, sh-she's the only reason
I've-I've stayed this long.

Then what is it?

I don't know.

I think I'm just...

I-I just,
I just don't want to be

Professor proton anymore.

Well, how can you say that?

Professor proton's the best.

What-what has it ever gotten me?

I mean, I'm-I'm an 83-year-old
man who has...

Potatoes in-in his suitcase.

Other scientists think-think
I'm a joke.

And the...

The puppeteer who did,
who did gino...

Well, he also...

Did my wife.

Mr. Jeffries,

I need to show you something.

I'm sorry to hear
about your troubles.

Uh, thanks.

But if you don't mind

Me asking,
uh, the potato clock--

How does it work?

Is it a trick clock
or a trick potato?

Wh-what do you two talk about?

I wrote a fan letter to you
when I was a child in texas,

And you sent this autographed
picture back to me.

Do you remember that?

I'll-I'll give you a hint:

I have a bracelet
with my own address on it.

Well, anyway, um,

You may find this
hard to believe,

But I didn't have
any friends growing up.

No, I-I get that.

But, um, I
did have you.

And every
day at 4:00,

You'd come to my
house on channel 68,

And we'd do
science together.

If it hadn't
been for you,

Well, who knows what
would've become of me?

You know? Instead of a
world-class physicist,

I could've wound
up as a-a hobo.

Or a surgeon.

I bet there are
important discoveries

Being made every day

Because you inspired millions
of kids to pursue science.

In a way, their discoveries
are your discoveries.

Yeah, it's true.

A generation

Of young scientists

Are standing on your shoulders.

Well, thank-thank you, guys.

That... That-that means a lot.

Well, it's important you know
how much you mean to us.


Arthur, are you okay?

I'm having a...

Problem with
my pacemaker.

I'll-I'll call
for help.

Any chance we could
plug it into the potato?


(cell phone ringing)



What do you mean,
you found my dog?

She's with my friends.

Is she okay?

Oh, thank you.

Uh, just text me your address;
I'm on my way.

Oh, and if she's hungry,
go ahead and feed her.

But do not give her
anything starchy.

She's having risotto for dinner.

Your vitals are stable,

But let's take you in
for some tests just to be safe.

You want one of us to go
with you in the ambulance?

I'll do it!

He's not a relative,
he's not allowed, right?

No, that's not a rule.
He can go.

Oh, yeah!

I can't catch a break today.

We'll pack up your stuff
and meet you at the hospital.

I'm sorry
things turned out this way.

Well, at-at this point,
I'm just...

Glad someone's carrying me
down the stairs.

Met my childhood hero,

Now I get to ride
in an ambulance.

Boy, if we can get him
to do that calendar,

This'll be the best day ever.

Can't believe
we lost her.

What was I thinking?

I'd be a terrible mom.

Well, maybe with the first one.

But kids are like pancakes.

The first one's
always a throwaway.

How's this look?
It's fine.

Where'd you get
that picture of her?

It's not her.

I just googled
"foo-foo little dogs."

(skype ringing)

It's raj. Stay quiet.


Bad timing.

Bernadette just took cinnamon
out for a walk.

Hmm. Interesting.

Did they take a walk
down liars' lane?


A lane frequented by liars.

Like you, you big liar!

You have her?

Oh, thank god
she's okay.

Well, I trusted you,
and you let me down.

The poor thing's been shaking
for hours.

I'm really sorry.

Hang on, you've
had her for hours?

Yes. I picked her up,

And then we both went for
massages to try and calm down.

And then we got pinkberry.

So you knew
she was okay,

And you couldn't pick up
the phone to tell us?

Well, I-I thought about...

Don't "well"
me, mister!

We've been
worried sick!

She could have been
dead for all we knew!

You should be
ashamed of yourself!

Sorry. I-I just...

Sorry's not
good enough!

Maybe you need
to take some time

And think about
what you've done!

Nice guilt trip.


You are gonna be
an amazing mom.


# soft kitty, warm kitty

# little ball of fur

# happy kitty, sleepy kitty

# purr, purr, purr.

Thank you, sheldon.

That-that was very nice.

Want me to sing it again?


The fourth, the fourth time
was-was the charm.

There anything
I can get for you?

Some apple juice?

Uh, some jell-o?

No. No, thank you.

But I-I do...

I do have a favor to-to ask.

(gasps) name it.

Well, I'm-I'm booked to do

A children's party tomorrow,

And, um, frankly I, you know,
I-I don't feel up to it.

Oh, you're not.

You look awful.

Th-thank you.

Anyway, uh...

I mean, you know my act
better than... Anybody.

I was, I was hoping

That maybe, you know,

Maybe you'd fill in for me.

Wha... Are you saying

That you want me to be
professor proton?


Oh, my.

What an honor.

Oh, this is like being asked
to ascend mount olympus

And dine with the gods.

Or a... Korean family
in alhambra.

But they'll know I'm not you.

Should I call myself...

Professor proton, jr.?

Sounds great.

So, in a way...

It's like I'm your son.



Sure, what the hell?

Captioning sponsored by cbs,
warner bros. Television

And toyota.