The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 6, Episode 20 - The Tenure Turbulence - full transcript

Leonard, Sheldon, Raj and Kripke battle for tenure at the university.

I was reading about this jellyfish
that never dies.

Instead it reverts to its asexual state
and then grows up again.

We thought my 90-year-old grandfather
had reverted to an asexual state...

...but the lawsuit from his Jamaican
caregiver proved us all wrong.

My point is, immortality is not only
a possibility, it is real.

Only if you're this jellyfish,
which periodically...

...reverts to a mass
of undifferentiated protoplasm.

If I could keep my Gmail account,
I'd be okay with that.

- [IN RHOTACISTIC VOICE] Hello, fellas.
LEONARD: Hey, buddy.

- How are you?
- Remember we were trying to figure out...

...what that smell coming from
Professor Tupperman's office was?

- Turns out it was Tupperman.

Dead at his desk for two weeks.

HOWARD: Terrible.
- Oh, my God.

In lieu of flowers,
the department chair is asking...

...that everyone donate a bottle
of Febreze.

If we're going to change the topic
from jellyfish...

...I'd be okay with brine shrimp
or the history of the unicycle.

Show a little compassion. The man died.

And turned into a puddle of goo.

Now, we can either sit around
and cry over spilt professor...

...or we can rejoice in the knowledge
that a tenured position has just opened up.

I choose to do the latter.

Excuse me,
the whole tenure system is ridiculous.

A guaranteed job for life only encourages
the faculty to become complacent.

If we really want science to advance...

...people should have chips
implanted in their skulls...

...that explode
when they say something stupid.

Well, I believe people do their best work
when they feel safe and secure.


If you need my nose,
you'll find it firmly lodged...

...up the rectum of the tenure committee.

You PhDs gonna go suck up like Kripke?

No. I mean, I'll apply,
but I'm not gonna stoop to playing politics.

Yeah, me neither.
It should be about the work.

And if I can't get tenure,
I'd like to see you or Sheldon get it.

Raj, don't dangle false hope
in front of Leonard like that.

Excuse me, but I think I'm just as qualified
as you are.


- So "tenured" means a job for life?
- Yep.

And you can't get fired...

- ...even if you're bad at it?
- Mm, not really.

Wow, sounds a lot like being a pretty
waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.


While I disagree
with the premise of tenure...

...if they gave it to me,
it wouldn't diminish my output.

I'm like the sun. I can't turn this off.

- Are Rajesh and Leonard competing as well?
- Mm-hm.

Do they know they don't stand a chance
because you're so great?

Well put.

I must say, I go back and forth
on this boyfriend-girlfriend thing...

...but those moments when you worship me
really keep you in the running.

It would be nice to have the income,
stop taking money from my parents.

Money from family does come
with strings attached.

You have no idea.

They buy me a new BMW for my birthday,
but can I get seat warmers? No.

"If you want a warm butt,
pay for it yourself."

Well, maybe I will, old man.

I think that's enough wine for now.

I just keep thinking how cool it would be
if I called my mom...

- ...and told her that I got tenure at CalTech.
- She'd be proud, huh?

Oh, very. Assuming she takes my call. Heh.

My primary concern
with being granted tenure... living with an insanely jealous
roommate after the fact.

I might need to sleep with a gun
under my pillow. Or a chainsaw.

Or you take advantage of your newfound
economic stability and move out... a house, get married, start a family.

Or the chainsaw.

And I will return to New Delhi in triumph
atop a bejeweled white elephant.

And you know what will be on
that elephant's back? A seat warmer.

"No, Father, you may not have a ride!"

I'm gonna make some coffee.

So who do you schmooze
to get this deal?

I'm not gonna schmooze anybody.
I'm gonna let my work speak for itself.

- That's great. That shows a lot of integrity.
- Thank you.

I'm a naive idiot, right?

Oh, good, you heard me.

If you really want tenure,
cozy up to the people making the decision.

Sheldon Cooper does not do cozy.

You don't say.

But I suppose it wouldn't hurt
to know who's on the committee.

Let's see. Janine Davis. Oh, dear.

- Is that a problem?
- Well...

Even you. You're a slave.

I'm a what?

Not sure, it could go either way.

- Hey, Mrs. Davis.
- Hey.

Dr. Hofstadter.

Just thought I'd come down and
start getting ready for swimsuit season.

Good for you.

Not that you need it.
I bet you look great in a swimsuit.

Thank you.

I've got what my father
used to call furniture disease.

My chest is falling into my drawers. Ha, ha.

I'm not, uh, familiar with this model.
How do I make it start?

You push "start."

Right. Heh.


This one might be broken.

You have to move.

Got it. Heh.

Oh. Heh, heh.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, now I'm feeling it.

Oh, this is great.

I could do this for the rest of my life.

Hey, speaking of things you do
for the rest of your life...

...uh, did I read that you're
on that tenure committee?


I gotta get a home gym.

I'm sure you have a lot
of good applicants.

I just wanted to say hi...

...and let you know
that I'll be throwing my hat in the...



- All right, I'll keep an eye out for that.
- Yeah.

Hey, Hofstadter.

Funny seeing you here
for the first time in ever.

Go away.

- Janine the machine, let's do this.
- Hey, Barry.

Oh, look at that. Burned a whole calorie.

I guess you got here early to burn off
that banana bread I baked you.

- Yeah, it was delicious. Thank you.
- No, my pleasure.

If you like banana bread,
I've got a great recipe.

The trick is in fresh ground...

I'll e-mail it to you.

All right, I'm warm.
Ready to kick it up a notch?

Let's go.


That's enough cardio for me, guys.

Gonna stretch out
before I hit the weights.

You okay?

Call someone.


Good day, Mrs. Davis.

This is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali
from the Astrophysics Department.

Don't be alarmed, I'm not really in space.


Anywho, I'd like to take this opportunity
to tell you about myself.

So sit back, relax,
and enjoy the following 90-minute video.

Oh, come on.

RAJESH [ON COMPUTER]: Born in New Delhi,
the third son of an itinerant gynecologist...

...I showed early signs of genius.

At the age of 5,
I discovered a celestial object...

...which later turned out to be the moon.


Mrs. Davis. Mrs. Davis. Mrs. Davis.

Oh, God, they're everywhere.

Come in.

- Dr. Cooper, how can I help you?
- Yes, hello. I'm fine.

I understand you may have a bad
impression of me, so I bought you a gift.

- Dr. Cooper, that's not necessary.
- It's too late.

Get ready to like me.


The tragic history of slavery in America.
Fun for the whole family.

Why would you think
this is an appropriate gift?



You are black, right?

This meeting has come to an end.

Because you wanna start watching it
right now. Copy that.

Let's see.

Up next on the tenure committee is...

Professor Woo.

Get ready for the complete works
of Jackie Chan.


- Where have you been?
- Nurse's office.

- Asthma attack?
- Asthma, heart. Some kind of attack.

I'm fine, though.

You guys going to
Professor Tupperman's memorial?

- Probably not.
- Barely knew him.

Yeah, you wouldn't wanna look like you guys
are brownnosing the tenure committee...

...who will all be there.

Oh, yeah.
That's what I was hoping for: meerkats.

I won't be able to make our date night
this Thursday, so bad news for you.

You better have a good excuse this time.

Because trimming Q-tips to fit your ears
right is obvious nonsense.

First of all, when you say things like that,
people think you're crazy.

Second, the reason I'm canceling... because I have to attend a memorial
service for Professor Tupperman.

- That sounds like a long and tedious evening.
- Ah, it will be.

Honestly, if I must endure
a long and tedious evening...

...I'd rather it be with you on date night.

But I have no choice.
The tenure committee is going to be there.

Oh, well, in that case,
perhaps I should come along.

Now that I think about it,
that would be helpful.

Of course it would.

I'm well versed in academic politics,
and as a respected scientist...

...I can only raise your stock
as a candidate.

Actually, I meant you could drive me.

But if it makes you happy,
that other stuff too.

- Do anything interesting today?
- Not really. I was out shopping with Amy.

She wanted me to help her find something
for this memorial.

What, Sheldon's going to be there?
We all promised we weren't gonna go.

- Oh. What a jerk.
- I know.

I was hoping to go
without anyone finding out.

Well, since Amy's going, do you want me
there, you know, to support you?

Oh. That's nice, but it's just gonna be
a room full of boring old men.

I'm not sure how much help you'd be.

Okay. I'm just gonna tie my shoe
while you think about that. Ahem.

Oh, yeah. No, thanks.
That would be great help.

- You realize you might kill some of them.
- Then you all can get tenure.

Come on, Daddy.
All the other scientists have seat warmers.

This is so humiliating.
I've got to get tenure.

Okay, let's meet halfway. How about I
cut my cleaning lady down to twice a week?

Looks like we're both going to be
living like animals.

Let's go over our emotional responses
one last time.


Professor Tupperman is dead
and that makes us...?


The fact that there are so many people here
doesn't make us cranky and claustrophobic.

- It makes us...?
- Glad.

Giving Mrs. Davis the box set
of Roots was...?


- However...
- No.

Fine, bad.


You have some nerve showing up
just to schmooze the tenure committee.

You're here.

Excuse me, I'm here to pay my respects
to Professor Tupperware...

...or whatever his name is.

So am I. His passing makes me feel bad.

Well, well, well, Sheldon,
fancy meeting you here.

I guess the train store in Glendale
wasn't having a cotillion after all.

And you.
You said you weren't coming here either.

I have a thick accent.
You don't know what I said.

- I'd like to know why Penny's here.
- I'm here to support my man, just like you.

What are you going to do?

Take people's drink orders
and get them wrong?

Do it.

What? Did she do it yet?

She plans on flirting with members of the
tenure committee to further Leonard's cause.

Well, that's a fine how-do-you-do.

Don't just stand there,
take your breasts out.

Ooh, meerkat fight.

You're all wasting your time.
Sheldon is the most qualified for the job...

...and no amount of gravity-defying bosom
is gonna change that.

Seriously, is that tape?
Like, how are they staying up like that?

Way to hit them with both barrels.

You two should be ashamed
of yourselves.

Using women to advance your cause
with sexuality...

...and whatever Amy plans on doing.

Are you implying my girlfriend...

- ...has no sexuality to exploit?
- Yes.

- Okay, because that wasn't clear.
- Sheldon.

What? That was ambiguous.

Well, now it's biguous.
What are you gonna do about it?

- Um...
- Talk some smack about his mother.

Yes, of course, he wouldn't like that at all.

Last night, I was feeling in need
of sexual release...

...when I happened to come across
your mother.

- Okay, guys, what are we doing here?
- I don't know what you're doing...

...but I was about to insinuate that
I had coitus with Raj's mother for a dollar.

Well, you do what you want,
but I don't wanna lose my friends over tenure.

- Friends are forever.
- Ahem. So is tenure.


I'm just gonna go home
and let my work speak for itself.

You're right. This is beneath me.

Like your mother was last night.

How about it, Sheldon?

What do you think I should do?

Well, you'll always
be an academic success...

...but I seriously question
whether you'll make any more friends.

Oh, I don't want any more, but let's go.

Are you kidding?
I would love to babysit for you.

JANINE: I could not ask you to do that.
- Nonsense, children love me.

Something about me
just makes them laugh and laugh.

No, we cannot lose to that jerk.

- Yeah, screw it. I'm going in.
- Hold on.

"Screw it, I'm going in"
is what I said to your mother last night.

Don't worry, I didn't really say that.

I find the concept of coitus ridiculous
and off-putting.

Should have taken my breasts out
while I had the chance.

Mrs. Davis. Mrs. Davis. Mrs. Davis.

I know you're in there.
I saw your car in the parking lot.


I just found out
that you recommended myself...

...Dr. Hofstadter and Dr. Koothrappali
to be on the short list for tenure.

Well, despite your quirks...

...the three of you are very accomplished
in your respective fields.

I don't know what you mean by quirks,
but I do want to express my gratitude.

- You didn't bring another gift, did you?
- No, no, I learned my lesson.

- I understand that was inappropriate.
- Good.

- Anyway, thank you.
- You're welcome.

I'm gonna pretend that didn't happen.

Right on, sister.

[English - US - SDH]