The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 6, Episode 15 - The Spoiler Alert Segmentation - full transcript

Leonard moves in with Penny after a fight with Sheldon, which causes Amy to want to move in with Sheldon. Meanwhile, Raj has a frightening experience with Howard's mother.

I don't know why I avoided the Harry Potter
books for so long. These are great.

- I just started number six.
- That's a good one.

Dumbledore dies in that one.

Yeah, I know, I didn't see it coming, either.

Why would you say that?

You brought up a subject,
I contributed a fact on that subject.

It's called the art of conversation.
Okay, your turn.

That was a huge spoiler.


What is wrong with you?
If I did that, you'd bitch about it for weeks.

Really, Leonard?
Gonna have one of your hissy fits?

Hissy fits? I have hissy fits?

Yes. And I have a theory why.

Because of your lactose intolerance,
you switched over to soy milk.

Soy contains estrogen-mimicking

I think your morning Cocoa Puffs
are turning you into a hysterical woman.

You are unbelievable.
I don't know why I put up with you.

- You're controlling, you're irritating...
- There you go again. Nag, nag, nag.

You're only proving my point, little lady.

You know what, screw you, Sheldon.

You're the most annoying person
I've ever met.

I'm annoying?
You criticize my behavior all the time.

"Sheldon, don't talk about
your bowel movements over breakfast."

"Sheldon, when the president
of the university... giving a eulogy at a funeral,
don't yawn and point at your watch."

"Sheldon, don't throw away my shirts
because they're ugly."

You're impossible.

That's it, I don't have to put up with this.

Actually, I have your signature
on a roommate agreement that says you do.

Aww. Here's what I think
of your roommate agreement.


- You pick that up right now.
- No.

Roommate agreement,
section 27, paragraph 5:

"The roommate agreement, like the
American flag, cannot touch the ground."

I don't care.

I don't have to do anything you say, because
I don't think I wanna live here anymore.

- Where are you going?
- To live with Penny...

...not you, you crazy bastard.

- Crazy bastard?
- Yes.

- Leonard, wait.
- What?

Dobby the Elf dies in book seven.

Here you go.

- Great. Come on in.
- What, you don't say thank you?

It's my suitcase.
I lent it to you two years ago.

I should tell you
I broke the wheel and the handle.

So is everyone from Bernadette's company
going to Vegas?

No, just me, her,
and a couple of the bigwigs.

It's part of a bonus she got.

Cool. Did she discover a cure
for something?

Not exactly. They spent a ton of money
developing this dandruff medication...

...that had the side effect
of horrible anal leakage.

Is there a good anal leakage?

Anyway, it was Bernie's idea to rebrand
the stuff as a cure for constipation.

Way to make lemonade, you know, from
around the corner where fudge is made.

- Hey, I got a favor to ask.
- Sure.

My mom's been
kind of an emotional wreck...

...since that dentist she was dating
dumped her.

Dumped her? What did he use, a forklift?


There's nothing funny
about morbid obesity.

She's huge, it was funny.

Anyway, I was just hoping that maybe you
could check in on her tomorrow night...

- ...make sure she's doing okay.
- Dude, I'm a single man.

Saturday night is my party night.

Really, what do you got going on?

I don't know, maybe drive
down to Hollywood...

...hit a few hot spots,
see if I can get lucky.

Tell me if this sounds familiar. Ahem.

You pay $15 to park,
you stand on the sidewalk for an hour...

...until you break down and
give the bouncer 20 to let you in.

You push your way to the bar
where you drink an $18 cosmopolitan.

Then you stare at a pretty girl
and imagine your perfect life together.

Children, grandchildren.
Meanwhile, she leaves with a guy...

...who claims he wrote
Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Then you give up on love,
go to Marie Callender's... a pie and eat it in your car
in the parking lot.

- What time should I be at your mother's?
- I told her around 7.

I swear, that man is the most egotistical,
insufferable human being I have ever met.

Yeah, but you two
make such a cute couple.

Like Bert and Ernie.

You guys even teach me stuff
about words and numbers.

Well, I've had it, I am done.

I can't live with him one more minute.

Wow, where are you gonna go?

Well, I was thinking here with you.


Is that a problem?

No, no, no. It's great.

It's terrific. You know, I just can't
help feel bad about Sheldon.

I mean, how's he gonna
get by without you...


- He's got Amy now.
- Yeah, he does...

- ...but it's not the same.
- Why?


Well, all right, you know how
in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince...

...Ron didn't abandon Harry
because Harry started dating Ron's sister?

Harry and Ginny get together?

Sorry, spoiler alert. My point is,
as much as I want to live with you...

...I can't do it knowing how much
Sheldon needs you.

Please. The only thing he needs me for
is to be his whipping boy.

His stooge, his doormat.

Well, you know what they say,
if it ain't broke...

Wow, it sounds to me like
you don't want us to live together.

No. No, no, I do. I do.
It's just... It's a really big step.

Is it? We're together all the time.
Financially, it makes great sense.

Can you think of one reason
why we shouldn't do this?

Well, um...

Heh. I'm just a little thirsty.

I got nothing.

Great. I'll go get my stuff.

Okay. All right, don't freak out.
You can make this work.

Oh. Could you clear off a shelf for me
in the bathroom? I take a lot of medicine.

Oh, please, let some of it be Xanax.

Are you ready for dessert?

No, thank you, Mrs. Wolowitz.

As is, I'm going to have to carry
my stomach out of here... I'm a fireman rescuing an infant.

Oh, please, you're a tall glass
of brown water.

- Have dessert.
- I really couldn't.

But I've had a lovely time eating your
brisket and hearing about the things...'ve had removed from your body
over the years.

I didn't know you could have
a cyst inside another cyst.

The doctor said they were like
Russian nesting dolls.

Well, if you have to go, how about
I put a little doggie bag together for you?

That would be lovely, thank you.


Mrs. Wolowitz...

...are you okay?

Don't mind me.

I just cry when I'm lonely
and have nothing to live for.


I suppose I could stay for some dessert.

Great. You like
chocolate chip cheesecake?

- Sure.
- I'll make one.

One vintage Mr. Mxyzptlk action figure.

- That's Leonard's.
- Children's toy.

One Star Trek: The Next Generation

That's Leonard's.

Children's toy.

One Game of Thrones
collector's edition Longclaw sword.

Leonard and I bought that together.

That's a bit of an ethical conundrum.

I'll keep it.

So, what's your plan moving forward?

I suppose I'll have to find and cultivate
a new roommate.

What a task that will be.

Do you know how uncivilized
Leonard was when I took him in?

- No.
- It took me forever... get him on a bathroom schedule.

He would just go
whenever the mood struck him.

- Like a dog boy.
- Exactly.

What if you could find a roommate
who was a scientist...

...and already familiar and comfortable
with your ways?

That would be ideal.

If a person like that existed,
I would sign on, no further questions asked.

Great, here I am.


Here who is where?

Me. Aren't I your perfect roommate?

- Um...
- Think about it, Sheldon.

I'm not a stranger,
we're intellectually compatible...

...I'm willing to chauffeur you around,
and your personality quirks...

...which others find abhorrent
or rage-inducing, I find cute as a button.

What do you think?


Tell me one reason
why this isn't a fantastic idea.


See? You can't.

I'm gonna go see if Leonard's room
is big enough for my water bed.


Good buddy Leonard?
Good buddy Leonard.

Good buddy Leonard?

- What do you want?
- Hey, good buddy.

So I was just talking to Amy...

...and she made me realize
that this little dust-up...

...between you and me
is much ado about nothing.

- Is that so?
- Yes. All is forgiven, so come back home.

I'll make you some soy hot chocolate
and then I'll tell you about...

...our exciting new
devil-may-care bathroom policy.

Cut to the chase, Sheldon.

Okay. Amy has decided
she wants to move in with me... I need you to come back home,
you lovable scamp.

That's a lot of product.

- Hey. What's going on?
- Get this.

Suddenly, Sheldon wants me back
because Amy wants to move in with him.

Really? Interesting.

Well, too late, pal, I'm not going anywhere.

Penny and I are very happy living together.
Isn't that right?

It's like the happiness
won't ever leave the apartment.

Leonard, please,
you know Amy moving in...

...marks a level of intimacy
our relationship isn't ready for.

Yes. That is a real thing. And it doesn't
mean you don't care about each other... just means things are moving at a pace
you're not comfortable with. And that's fine.

If he doesn't wanna live with her,
he should tell her how he feels.

Maybe he doesn't know how to say it
without hurting her feelings.

Feelings? Who am I,
a hippie at a love-in? No.

The problem is she laid out a series
of logical arguments that I couldn't refute.

- That is the worst, isn't it?
- Yes.

I'm sorry, Sheldon. I can't help you.

Oh, spoiler alert:
this door's about to slam in your face.

Oh, there you are.
When do I get a key to our apartment?



- Hello?

- How'd it go last night with my mom?
- Okay, I guess.

What time did you leave?


Actually, I'm still here.

- What? You spent the night?
- Yeah.

After dinner,
we watched a rerun of Rockford Files...

...and then she opened
a bottle of cream sherry...

...and the next thing I know
she was tucking me into your bed.

You wore my pajamas?


How do you sleep in these things?
Silk pajamas on satin sheets?

I slid out of the bed like three times.

Rajesh? You up?

You ready for breakfast?

Oh, boy, breakfast.

Okay, Raj, listen.
You need to get out of there.

But I have a cream sherry hangover
and I smell blintzes.

If you don't leave now, she'll use food and
guilt to keep you there the rest of your life.

Oh, Howard, stop.

Trust me, you're not Jewish,
that's how they get you.

You're being silly.
I can leave whenever I want.

Oh, really?
Where are your clothes and your shoes?

They're on the chair right over...

Oy vey.

Hello, homewrecker.

What did I do?

You gave Leonard somewhere to go.

Thanks to you, Amy's out
buying his and hers bath towels.

Like I'd ever dry myself with something
that has a possessive pronoun on it.

Okay, listen...

...the truth is
I don't want him living with me.

Great. Kick him out, break his heart,
everybody wins.

No, I don't wanna break his heart,
I love him. This is happening too fast.

You think this is fast?

It is just a matter of time before
I see Amy's leg stubble in my shower.

Yeah, and I've seen those legs.
You might wanna get some Drano.

Hold on. If you don't want to live
with Leonard, why don't you just tell him?

Well, you know how he is.
He's sensitive and emotional.

That's because he drinks
too much soy milk.

I don't know what else
we can do but tell them the truth.

I suppose there's no choice
but to face the crying...

...angry accusations,
and the high-pitched wails of despair.

Yeah. And who knows
how Amy will react.

Here's some more ice.

- Thanks.
- What were we thinking?

We should have just done it
the regular way.

Those Chinese acrobats in Cirque Du Soleil
made it look so easy.

Honestly, if I could bend that far,
what would I need with you?

If you could bend that far,
you'd be doing us both a favor.


Hey, Raj, what's up?

You were right. I can't get out of here.

- You're still at my mother's?
- I'm trapped.

My clothes have been in the laundry
all day, and she hid my keys.

I think they might be in her bra
because she jingles when she walks.

What do I do?

Hey, you wanted a woman in your life,
now you got one.

Come on, Howard, help me.

Rajesh, tatellah, I ran you a bath!

Oh, my God,
she's not gonna bathe me, is she?

Gee, I wish I could tell you no.

All right, well, thanks again
for helping me out.


- Should we go back and rescue him?
- Too late. We'll see him at his bar mitzvah.

Here you go.

I picked up the Chinese food
just the way Leonard used to.

- Is it kung pao chicken?
- Yes.

- Brown rice, not white rice?
- Yes.

- Spicy mustard from the Korean deli?
- Yes.

- I did good, right?
- Yes.

Amy, are you worried
that us living together...

...will take the mystery
out of our relationship?

- No.
- Yeah, why would you?

Oh, and check this out.

I took the liberty of scripting a new
outgoing voicemail message for both of us.

"Hello, this is Sheldon."

"And this is Amy."

"We're not home right now."

"'Cause we out dropping science, son."

- "Leave a message."
- "Leave a message."

Beep. Heh.

You can't live here.

What? Why? Is it the message?

I only used urban slang to sound tough
so people wouldn't break in.

It's not the message.

Well, what is it then?
I did everything just the way you like it.

- You did.
- Then what the hell, Sheldon?

We have been going out for over two years,
and I've been nothing but patient with you.

I watch your dopey space movies,
I signed your ridiculous contracts.

I stopped wearing lip gloss because
you said it made my mouth look slippery.

I am the best girlfriend
you're ever gonna have.

You give me one good reason
why I can't live here.

It's Penny's fault.

- What?
- She doesn't wanna live with Leonard... he has to come live here again.
She's the snake in our garden.

She's the reason we can't be happy.

- Hey, Ames.
- Yeah, "Hey, Ames" nothing.

I was all set to move in
with Sheldon and I can't because...

- don't wanna live with Leonard.

Sheldon, what did you say?

The truth. You don't wanna live
with Leonard and you know it.

- Since when don't you want to live with me?
- You decided to move in...

- ...without even asking me if I was ready.
- I think we should talk about that.

Since you love the truth so much...

...why not tell Amy you don't wanna
live with her instead of blaming me?

I thought we were talking about
the other thing.

- You're a coward.
- Well, the evidence does support that.

Come on, Amy. Let's go drink wine and talk
about what jerks our boyfriends are.

You know what would show them?
I should move in here with you.


So you wanna catch up
on some Walking Dead?


Have you seen the one where Lori dies?


Or maybe she doesn't, let's find out.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Where are you going?
- No!

[English - US - SDH]