The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 20 - The Transporter Malfunction - full transcript

Raj gets quite a surprise when he asks his parents to set him up on a date. Penny buys Leonard and Sheldon a pair of Star Trek keepsake collectibles.

Oh, my God.
I love this chicken.

Oh, you know
what they say,

best things in life
are free.

Okay, you're right.
I eat your food a lot.

Now, how about this?

You can raid my fridge
anytime you want.

Oh, that's
very kind of you.

Next time I have a hankering to
wash down a D-cell battery

with a jar of
old pickle juice,

I'll come a-knockin'.

Hey, Raj, you didn't
send your RSVP in.

I'm suppose to ask you if you're
bringing someone to the wedding.

I'll let you know.

Well, can you make it soon?

There's a battle royale going on
over the seating charts.

In one corner, Bernadette's mom,
in the other three, mine.

Yeah, I hate
wedding receptions.

Yeah, I wish the bride and groom

would take a cue
from Bilbo Baggins.

Slip on the ring, disappear,
and everyone goes home.

Mm, you liked
Professor Geyser's wedding.

They had a
make-your-own-sundae bar.

Oh, that was
a night to remember.

Do you know, on one trip,
I just had a bowl of nuts.

Anyway, you got to let me know
if you have a plus one.

Because if not, my mom's trying
to sneak in the doctor

who sucked the fat
out of her neck.

All right, uh, fine.

I'm coming and
I'm bringing somebody.

Uh, Koothrappali plus one.

Who you bringing?

Who are you bringing?!

He's bringing me;
who are you bringing?

Wow, what a bunch of
Nosey O'Donnells.

Come on, who is it?

I'm not telling.

I'm from Asia,
I'm mysterious, deal with it.

Howard aren't having
a make-your-own-sundae bar?

I don't think so.

Well, you should.

50% of marriages end in divorce,

but 100% of make-your-own-sundae
bars end in happiness.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

The Big Bang Theory 5x20
The Transporter Malfunction
Original Air Date on March 29, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Hello, Mummy, Daddy.
How are you?

Pretty good.
Can't complain.

Oh, I'm sure you can.

Just give it a minute.

Listen, uh,

there's something
I want to talk to you about.

I wasn't ready until now, but...

I think it's time.

It's finally happening.

You're coming out of
the closet, aren't you?

We love you, and we accept
your alternate lifestyle.

Just... keep it to yourself.

No, I'm not gay.

If anything, I'm metrosexual.

What's that?

It means I like women

as well as
their skin-care products.

Well, if you're
not coming out,

why did you call us during
the cricket semifinals?

I'm tired of trying
to meet someone,

and I think I'd like you
to help me find a...

a wife.

And just to clarify...

a female wife?


very smart move, son.

Much better than
marrying for love.

We married for love.

And it's been

Quantum physics
makes me so happy.

Yeah, I'm glad.

It's like looking
at the universe naked.

Hi. Guys got a minute?

Sure. What's up?

Well, I was thinking about
Sheldon's little joke

the other night about me
eating all your food.

Oh! That was no joke.

I understand your confusion,

as I am our group's
resident cutup.

I'm sorry,

you are our resident cutup?


Oh, prove it.


- Who's there?
- Interrupting physicist.

Interrupting phys...

Anyway, I got a little residual
check from my commercial,

and I thought, hey,
how about I get the guys

a little thank you
to pay them back?

So, Sheldon...


A vintage mint-in-box

1975 Mego Star Trek

with real transporter action.

Hot darn!

Where did you get that?

From Stuart,
at the comic book store.

You went to the
comic book store by yourself?

Yeah. It was fun.

I walked in, and two different
guys got asthma attacks.

Felt pretty good.

This calls for an
expression of gratitude.

Ooh, am I about to get
a rare Sheldon Cooper hug?

No, not this time.
Then they wouldn't be special.

Thanks, Penny.

You're welcome.

Don't worry,
I didn't forget about you.


Leonard, I got you...

a label-maker!


No, it's great.

- Also mint-in-box.
- Mm.

And I got you
a transporter, too!


Look, it was actually
designed for

my vintage Mr. Spock
action figure.

Oh, that's great! Let's open
them up and put him in there.

- Open it?!
- Oh, good Lord, no!

Why? They're just toys.

- They're collectibles.
- They're mint-in-box.

Come on. Can't we open
one up and take a look?

No, don't!

Once you open the box,
it loses its value.

Yeah, yeah. My mom gave me the
same lecture about my virginity.

Gotta tell you,
it was a lot more fun

taking it out
and playing with it.

Are you sure you want us here
when you meet this woman?

Oh, yes.

In my culture, it's expected

to have a chaperone
to oversee a first date.

Plus, I want to make a good
impression, and no offense,

but with you guys here,
I look like I'm six-two.

The nuns always chaperoned
the dances at my high school.

They used to make us leave room
between us for the Holy Spirit.

Uh, Hindus do the same thing.

Except they leave room
for a cow.

Listen, I love your charming
racist humor, but any chance

you could not mock
my religion while she's here?

Yesterday, you made fun of me
for eating lox.

It's different, your people
don't worship lox.

Clearly, you've never been
to brunch with my cousins.

So, arranged marriages--
the parents just decide

and then you have
to get married?

No, no, I get a say in it.

But I'm sure whoever shows up
will be better company

than the threesome
I've been having

with Aunt Jemima
and Mrs. Butterworth.

Excuse me, are you Rajesh?

Ah, yes.

You must be Lakshmi.

Uh, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Oh! These are my friends.

- This is Bernadette.
- Hello.

- And this is Howard.
- Nice to meet you.

- You, too.
- Please, have a seat.

I'm thinking double wedding.

Dr. Cooper.

Dr. Cooper?

Is someone there?

Down here.
On your desk.


I need to speak with you.


The only logical explanation
is that this is a dream.

It is not the only
logical explanation.

For example,
you could be hallucinating

after being hit on the head
by, say, a coconut.

Was I hit on the head
by a coconut?

I am not going to
dignify that with a response.

Now to the matter at hand.

You need to play
with the transporter toy.

But it's mint-in-box.


And to open it
would destroy its value.

But remember, like me,

you also have a human half.

Well, I'm not going to
dignify that with a response.

Consider this.

What is the purpose of a toy?

To be played with.

Therefore, to not
play with it would be...?


Damn it, Spock, you're right.

I'll do it.

Sheldon, wait.

You have to wake up first.

Oh, of course.

Set phasers to dumb, right?

Goodie, goodie, goodie!

This is wrong, this is wrong.

I'm so excited,
but this is wrong.

I'm going to do it.

I'm doing it.

I did it.

That's what I always thought
1975 smelled like.

One to beam down,
Mr. Scott.

Aye, aye, Mr. Spock.



No. No.

Don't be broken.

Oh, please, don't be broken.

What did you make me do?!

Okay, okay, think.

It's only logical.

My goodness,

that was delicious.

Well, I hope you saved room
for chocolate lava cake.


What goes into
making something like that?

Well, you start
out by trying to

make chocolate soufflé,
and when it falls, you panic,

quickly change the name,
and voila, lava cake.

I bet our parents are dying to
know how things are going here.

Well, let's see.

Yep, three missed calls.

Four missed calls,
two text messages

and a failed video chat.
I win!

So, what are
we going to tell them?

I'd like to tell them
things are going well.

Me, too.

But before we get
their hopes up,

we should probably make sure
we're on the same page.


What page are you on?

I'm on the one

where I'm under
a lot of pressure

from my parents to get married
and settle down

and have a family,

and I'm going to do it
so they don't find out I'm gay.

Say again?

I'm gay.

Like... dude-on-dude,

but with women?

I know a fake marriage
isn't an honest way to live,

but you of all people
should know how difficult it is

to come out in our culture.

Why me of all people?!

Well, there's a rumor
back in New Delhi that you're--

how shall we say--

comfortable in a sari.

I'm not gay!

Really? The chocolate lava cake,

the little soaps
in the bathroom, and I'm sorry,

but you're wearing
more perfume than I am.

That's Unbreakable
by Khloe and Lamar.

And for your information,
it's unisex.

Fill in the blank.

I love the nightlife...

I like to boogie.

Got you.

With women! I like
to boogie with women!

That's disappointing.

You were exactly the kind
of phony-baloney husband

I was looking for.

Thank you.

And once again, my
baloney likes girls.


You don't want to put a
bite of that in your mouth

without trying my
homemade Chantilly cream.

Yeah, okay,
that time I heard it.

Oh, dear.

Two suns and no sunscreen.

Hello again, Sheldon.

What is it now, Tiny Spock?

I am very disappointed in you.

You broke your toy
and switched it with Leonard's.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

You're the one who told
me to play with it.

If I told you to jump off
the bridge of the Enterprise,

would you do it?

Oh, if I got on the bridge
of the Enterprise,

I would never, ever leave.

Trust me, it gets old
after a while.

You must right
your wrongs, Sheldon.

Why? I got away with it.

Leonard has his toy,
and he's never going to open it,

so he won't know it's broken.

And I have a toy
that isn't broken.

Everybody's happy.

Well, I am unhappy.

I thought where you come from
they don't have emotions.

I come from a factory
in Taiwan.

Now, do the right thing.

You know what you are?

Well, you're
a green-blooded buzz kill.

Perhaps it's time
you beam on out of here.


I will just use
the transporter.

Oh, right.

You broke it.

Very well.

Cooper to Enterprise,
one to beam up.


Tiny Spock, help.

Ready for lunch?

Yeah, one sec.

Oh, good.
Ma would've killed me

if she found out
I broke my retainer.

Hey, uh...

can I run something by you?
It's about Lakshmi.

Yeah, sure.
How are things going?

We hit a couple
of bumps.

She lives
over in Manhattan Beach,

so it takes, like, an hour
to get there.

And she's a lesbian.

What do you mean,
"she's a lesbian"?

Well, you know how
whenever you and I would try

to hit on women in bars
and they'd blow us off

and then we'd tell each other
they were probably gay?

It's like that.

Except this time, it's true.

Then why did she even
go out with you?

She was looking

for a husband so she can
appear to be straight.

And, you know,

it sounded crazy
to me at first...

but I'm actually
thinking about doing it.

Okay, so the reason
that might sound crazy...

is 'cause it's crazy!

Look, Howard,
you're in a relationship.

You know you have
to make compromises.

Yes, but my compromises
are about which bedspread to buy

or whose turn
it is to do the laundry,

Bernadette's or my mom's.

It's a great deal.

We both get our parents
off our backs,

I don't have to come home to an
empty apartment every night.

Plus, once I'm married, I
can finally eat carbs again

and let myself go.

Why don't you
tell your parents

you want to try
to find someone else?

Maybe one who hasn't slept with
more woman than you.

Because this one
wants to marry me.

I might never find
another one who does.

So you're seriously thinking
about marrying someone

you're never gonna
have sex with?

I can't believe your attitude.

I thought you were in favor
of gay people getting married.

Yes, to other gay people!

Do you hear how
homophobic you sound?

Oh, I don't want a broken toy.



Nothing. I said nothing.

That was weird.

Really? I don't
even notice anymore.

I cannot believe you guys
aren't gonna play with these.

Well, I told you, you don't.
It's mint-in-box.

I don't know.
I just think it's a waste.

Relax. I'm just
looking at the box.

Perhaps you should
look with your eyes

and not your muscular
Nebraska man hands.

What is your problem?!

My problem is that I don't want
you to break Leonard's toy.

Which you probably
did by shaking it!

She shook it,
we all saw her.

Leonard, I bought you this

'cause I wanted you
to have fun with it.

I don't want it
to sit in this box.

You know,
you're right.

I mean,
it's from you,

I'm never
gonna sell it.

- I'm opening it.
- Yes!

- It's broken.
- What?

Oh, nice job, man hands!

I didn't break it.

I guess Stuart
sold it to me like this.

Yes. Yes, he did.

That is a perfectly satisfying
and plausible explana...

Let's all be mad at Stuart!

You know, I paid
a lot for this.

Let's take it
over there and show him.



It was me.

I opened your toy...

discovered it was broken
and didn't tell you.

Why would you
open mine?

I didn't. That was a lie.

I opened my own toy...

and it was already broken,
so I switched them.

You should talk
to Stuart.

I can't, because that was a lie.

Yours was broken
in an earthquake--

and that's a lie.

What is the truth?

My Mr. Spock doll
came to me in a dream

and forced me to open it.

And when the toy broke,
I switched it for yours.

Later, he encouraged me
to do the right thing,

and I defied him.

And then I was attacked
by a Gorn.

Okay, that I believe.

Leonard, Penny, I just,
I want you both to know

that I regret my actions
towards the two of you.

That's a lie.

So, is that one mine?


Well, hand it over
so I can open it.


And, Leonard, even though
I don't have one anymore,

I hope you have fun
playing with it.

And that's a lie, right?
It's a big, fat whopper.

I hope it breaks.

This is a treat.

What brings
you guys by?

Raj, Howie told me what's
going on with you and Lakshmi.

You told her?

I told everybody.

We believe there's
someone out there

who will love
you for you.

Actually, we kind of
agreed to disagree

on that one,
but we both think

you shouldn't
marry this woman.

So, while I'm waiting for
this mysterious perfect match

who may or may not exist,
I'm supposed to just be alone?

Not necessarily.
I think

we found someone
for you to cuddle with.

Oh, my goodness.

Aren't you the cutest
little Yorkie ever!

You got him for me?

Her. We thought you two
would hit it off.

I think we already have.

Thank you guys so much.

Let's go see
if you fit in my man purse.

Heterosexual, my ass.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==