The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Infestation Hypothesis - full transcript

Amy gets inadvertently caught in the middle of a fight between Sheldon and Penny over a chair. Leonard tries to add some spice to his long-distance relationship with Priya.

What are you doing?

Oh, uh, Priya's calling
in a few minutes on Skype,

and we are gonna have
a dinner date.

It's 8:00 in the morning
in Mumbai.

How can she have dinner?

Fine, whatever.

Priya will be having breakfast.

All right, so technically
it's not a dinner date.

I suppose you could call it
a, uh, dinfast date.

But if you did,
you'd open yourself

to peer-based mocking, such as,

"Hey, Leonard, how was your
dinfast with Priya last night?"

That doesn't sound like mocking.

You didn't let me finish.


Are those soy-based candles?

I don't know. Why?

Paraffin candles
may contain carcinogens.

Unless lung cancer
is the ambiance

you were going for
at your dinfast.


Listen, I don't
want to be rude,

but Priya's gonna be
calling any minute, so...

Oh, yes, Priya.

Leonard, you know
I make a point of

never interfering
in your personal affairs.

Yes, I've always
admired that about you.

As well you should.

But I'm going to make
an exception here.

Oh, good.

Priya has moved back to India
to pursue her law career.

Instead of
desperately trying

to keep this intercontinental
relationship alive,

you could use that time
to take up a hobby.

A hobby?


I read recently
about a fellow in Kansas

with an enormous
ball of twine.

I bet you could give him
a run for his money.

You know, some people
might say that it's great

that we're trying to make
things work long distance.

They'd say
things like,

"Love is stronger than
the miles between you""

When I rise to power,
those people will be sterilized.

You video-chat with
Amy all the time.

How is this different?

Don't you like Amy?

Of course I like Amy.

Well, there's the difference.

Excuse me,
that's Priya.

Hi, Leonard.

Hey, honey.

I miss you.

Oh, I miss you, too.

I miss the old days
when your romantic partners

could be returned
to the video store.

Thanks for
letting me stay here

while Leonard
Skypes with his girlfriend.

Oh, it's no problem.

It's actually kind of nice.

You reading, me reading.

We're like an old
married couple.

If we were
an old married couple,

the wife would serve
iced tea and snickerdoodles.

I don't have iced tea
and snickerdoodles.

A good wife
would go to the store.

I want a divorce.

Good. On the way
to see the lawyer,

pick up some tea and cookies.

I must say,
I am enjoying your new chair.

It's great,
isn't it?

It is.

Aligns the lumbar,

cradles the coccyx,
balances the buttocks.

This is a chair
worthy of the name.

What name?


Oh, all right, well,
I'm glad you like it.

I mean, I still can't
get over the fact

someone just
threw it away.


Yeah, it was just
sitting on the street.

I paid a homeless guy ten bucks
to help me get it up here.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

What is wrong?

I've been sitting in garbage!

Sheldon, take it easy.

You take it easy! I need
to use your shower.

I went into this marriage
with so much hope.

There's a wet Band-Aid
on the shower floor!

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

The Big Bang Theory 5x02
The Infestation Hypothesis
Original Air Date on September 22, 2011

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

This is fun.

I've never used a hydraulic
thermoforming press before.

Pretty sweet, huh?

This little baby set
the university back 175 grand.

That's three minutes.

Should we see what we got?

Hang on.

Oh, yeah.

This is one good-looking panini.

Hand me the tuna melt.


Thank you.

How's it going with
the long-distance love affair?

Not easy, but we're
making it work.

When you say "making it work,"
does that include

doing the cyber nasty?


You know,
the virtual pickle tickle.

The digital...
♪ Bow-chicka-bow-bow. ♪

Come on, dude.

This is my sister
you're talking about.

Hey, Leonard jiggling his junk
at her through a webcam

has got to be easier
for you to deal with

than him actually
touching her with it.

There's no junk jiggling.

We just talk.

Are you sane?

With high-speed Internet,
you have at your fingertips

the greatest advancement
in the field of sex

since the invention
of the washcloth.

I can't do that.

Well, if you don't,

you're gonna lose Priya
to some fancy guy in a turban

who grew up with
Kama Sutra coloring books.

How can you
be so racist?

Oh, come on, tell me I'm wrong.

Oh, Leonard, good.

There you are.

I need you to check my head
for chair lice.

I did it last night,
I'm not doing it again.

Just his head, right?

I don't want
to talk about it.

You didn't catch bugs
from Penny's chair.

Yes, I did.

And now they're cavorting
at the base of my hair follicles

like dancing hippies
at the Redwood National Forest.

Sheldon, you do this
all the time.

You fixate on some crazy idea

and then blow it
way out of proportion.

Name one time
I've ever done that.

How about when you put
GPS trackers in your garbage

because you were convinced
North Korean spies

were stealing your doodles?

The chicken nuggets you were
sure were human nuggets.

The strangely-shaped cloud

that was following you
around town.

The time you put on
my shirt by mistake

and were convinced
you'd started growing again.

I said, "Name one."

You really need to work on
your listening skills.


Penny. Penny.


You need to remove that
chair from the building.

It's a health hazard.

Okay, relax.
I took off the slipcovers,

had them dry-cleaned and then
fumigated the cushions.


Yeah. It's cleaner
than my couch.

Found half a Hot Pocket
in there.

It certainly looks okay.

Has a strong toxic
chemical smell.

That's reassuring.

Why don't you give
it a try, Sheldon?

All right.

It is a comfortable chair.

Why don't you just admit
you overreacted?

No, thank you.

It's like living with
a Chihuahua.


Penny. Penny.

What's up, buttercup?

You have to get rid
of the chair.



Penny. Penny.

What's the word, hummingbird?

For your safety,
please wait in my apartment

as I call the authorities
so they may remove

the chair of death.



Penny! Penny!

What's the gist, physicist?

Under my authority
as a self-appointed member

of the Centers for
Disease Control street team...

...these premises are condemned.

As a man with a keen
sense of style,

I must tell you, that chair
does not work with the room.




So, here we are.

Back in bed together.

Yep, here we are.

Okay, so I-I guess
I'll just jump right in.

All right.

Uh, you're a naughty girl.

And-And, uh, I-I want
to punish you with my love?


Not good?

That's terrible. Try again.


Uh, uh, you're... not naughty.

Uh, you're-you're-you're dirty.


You're a-a dirty girl?

Oh, yes.

Yes, I am.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, okay.

You're a, you're a...

You're a-a dirty...


revolting girl.


God, Leonard, stop talking.

Why don't you just give me
five minutes?

I'll Google how to do this.
I'll call you right back.

Shh-shh-shh. Just be quiet
and do what I tell you.

Okay, like usual. Good.

Take off your shirt.

All rightie. Shirt coming off.

Ta-da! Man nipples.

I said be quiet.

Yes, ma'am.

Now take off your shorts.

Taking shorts off.

There we go.

Naked, naked, naked!


Now I'll take off my clothes.



Here I am, baby.

You miss these?

Oh, damn it!

Oh, Leonard! Already?

No, no! No-no-no!

The screen froze.

It's probably just buffering
Just give it a second.


So, how are your mom and dad?

Yeah, I really don't want to
talk about my parents now.

Yeah. Sure, sure.

If your video's frozen,

try resetting
the TCP/IP stack.


I didn't even think of that.

You're welcome.
Please let me know when

you and your girlfriend
are done

hogging the bandwidth
for your self-abuse.

I'm trying to stream
a movie on Netflix in here.

Five, six, seven, eight.

♪ Tall and tan and young
and lovely ♪

♪ The girl from Ipanema
goes walking ♪

♪ And when she passes,
each one she passes goes... ♪

Amy? Amy? Amy?

♪ Oh... ♪

You are aware that your
ritualistic knocking behavior is

symptomatic of obsessive/
compulsive disorder?

Is not.

Is not, is not.

Denial. Denial, denial.
Come in.

Thank you.

Would you like to hear me play

a bossa nova standard
on the harp?


How about the theme song

to the classic television show
Diff'rent Strokes?

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat... ♪


Well, that's every song
I know. What's up?

You're good friends with Penny,

Best friends, besties, BFFs,
peas in a pod,

sisters who would share
traveling pants. Go on.

I was hoping

she might listen to you
about the dangers

of owning unhygienic

For general educational
purposes, or has she acquired

a bar stool dipped in cholera?

Cholera is water-borne.
You're mocking me.

Yes, I am.

Penny has dragged a chair in
off the street

whose unknown provenance

the health and welfare

of every resident in
our building.

Sheldon, just because you have
a focus on cleanliness

bordering on the psychotic

doesn't mean
I have to participate.

All right, name your price.

Kiss me where I've never
been kissed before.

You mean like Salt Lake City?

Never mind. I'll talk to Penny.

Thank you.

Will you listen to me
play my harp now?

No. I dislike the sound
of the harp.

Its overuse in classic
television sitcoms

always makes me think

I'm going to experience
an episode from my past.

I'm sorry, Mommy.
Don't be mad at me.

Don't do that!

I don't know about this, Howard.

What? You're having

with the long-distance

This is your answer.

There are two

that simulate
a human mouth.

You have one,
Priya has one in India.

When you move your lips
and tongue on yours,

it transmits exactly
what you're doing to hers.

See? Internet kissing.

Give it a try.

I don't think so.

I'll try it.

Like this?

Almost. Really get
your tongue in there.

to activate the motion sensor.

Like this?

Close. Really French it.


Yeah, you got it, you got it.

I'm impressed.
This is very lifelike.

Whoa! You just bit my tongue!

I-I nibbled.
I was being playful.

Why do you have to make
everything weird?



Oh, yeah.

Pretty cool, huh?

Probably would cost, like,
200 bucks in a store.

I do appreciate
a bargain.

This entire ensemble once
belonged to my dead grandmother.

You're kidding.

Everything except bra
and panties.

And they're a leopard-spotted
secret I share with Victoria.

And now me.

I just have one question
about the chair.

And what's that?

Aren't you worried about it
being unhygienic?

No, it's completely fine...

Hmm. I get it.

Sheldon sent you.

He put you up to this.

- No, he didn't.
- Really?

Yes, he did.
He absolutely did.

My God, Amy, that's really
crappy of you.

It is?

Yeah! Letting Sheldon use you
to manipulate me?

I thought you were my friend.

No, I am your friend.
Please don't be mad at me.

I can't even believe this.

You know, maybe you
should just go.

No! No, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I take it all back! Look!

I'm, uh, I'm sitting in your

There's nothing wrong
with it. It's a great chair.

Please let me continue
to be part of your world.


What's wrong?

Something in the chair's
biting my tushy.

It's not important. Ow!

Wait. Get up, get up!

Swear you won't tell
Sheldon what happened!

I swear!

Can I tell my doctor?
I'm probably gonna need shots!

Yeah, sure!

Oh, hey, babe, I think I figured
this thing out.

Oh, Leonard, listen...

No, you listen!
You're my woman,

and I'm gonna
make you feel things

you have never felt before.


That's right, say my name...

and beg me for more, 'cause...

I'm gonna give it to you.

My parents are here.

Hello, Leonard...

if I may also
say your name.

Check it out.
Free chair.


Hey, you know, if this was in
Sheldon and Leonard's apartment,

I wouldn't wind up sitting on
the floor all the time.

On three?


What kind of idiot throws away
a terrific chair like this?

== sync, corrected by elderman ==