The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 4, Episode 22 - The Wildebeest Implementation - full transcript

Sheldon invents a three-player chess game, Penny and Amy use Bernadette to spy on Leonard and Priya, and Raj tries a new drug to treat his social anxiety.

I must say, Penny, this is great fun.

Glad you're enjoying yourself.

AMY: Until I met you,
my trips to the bathroom...

...had been entirely focused
on elimination.

Now they have
a delightful social aspect.

Amy, you must've been in the bathroom
with other women before.


Of course I have.

They were strangers
and seemed off-put...

...when I engaged
in friendly stall-to-stall chitchat.

Some women don't like to get chummy
when their panties are down.

You okay in there, bestie?

I'm fine.

The reason I ask: Many people
experience bladder shyness...

...the inability to pass uri...

Yeah, I said I'm fine. Stop talking to me.

She always this crabby
when she urinates?

We're really not that close.

Screw it. I'll go later.

And I'll be right by your side.

Did I tell you Priya invited
me and Howard... have dinner with her and Leonard?
- Oh, that's nice.

No, it's not.

It's a strategic maneuver.

Leonard's new girlfriend is testing
Bernadette's loyalty to you and the group.

That bitch is crafty.


- You think?
- Of course.

How does the cheetah attack
a herd of wildebeests?

By going after its weakest member.

Well, what makes me
the weakest member?

Your trusting nature
coupled with your teeny-tiny body.

You wouldn't last a minute
on the Serengeti.

Okay, Amy, you're being silly.

I'm not concerned about
who hangs out with who.

I don't have a problem with Leonard's
girlfriend who wears too much makeup.


Oh, these are cute.
Of course, if I buy them...

...l'll have to rent my womb out
to a gay couple.

I'm gonna tell her we can't make it.

Oh, no. You have to go.

I don't understand.
I thought I was a teeny-tiny wildebeest.

You are, with hair
that smells like strawberries.

We're gonna use that
to our advantage.

What are you talking about?

By accepting the invitation...

...Bernadette becomes a double agent
in the enemy camp.

Ferret out Priya's tactics,
identify her weaknesses...

...and feed her false information
such as:

Leonard's no stranger
to back-alley cockfights.

I don't know. I'm not a very good liar.

They kind of whup that out of you
in Catholic school.

Don't worry. I'll teach you.

I did two years of Cub Scouts
before they found out I was a girl.

Okay, I don't know you people.

I'm just an innocent woman...

...wondering if this shoe store
will take my Texaco card.

How about concealing
a recording device... the cleavage
of your ample bosom?

I don't want anything
in my ample bosom.

Come on, Strawberries.
Take one for the team.

- Okay, see you later.
- Good news.

I finally have a handle on my idea
for three-person chess.

That is good news. Bye.

Do you know how I solved the
balanced center combat-area problem?

Five words:

Transitional quadrilateral
to triangular tessellation.

That... That's brilliant.

It's what I do.

But wait, there's more.

I also invented two new chess pieces.

The serpent and the old woman.

Okay, now I have to ask.
What do they do?

When the serpent slithers
to an opposing player's piece...

...that piece is considered poisoned
and will die after two more moves.

All right.

Unless it gets
to the old woman in time... which case she
sucks out the poison...

...turning her into the grand empress.

A piece combining the power
of the knight, queen and serpent.

- Elegant.
- That's because it's simple.

I look forward to playing with you.

- And?
- And what?

And a third person.
It's three-person chess.

I must say, ever since you started
having regular intercourse...

...your mind has lost its keen edge.

You should reflect on that.

Excuse me, but Einstein had
a pretty busy sex life.

Yes, and he never unified gravity
with the other forces.

If he hadn't been such a hound dog,
we'd all have time machines.

Got it. Bye.

You know I'm right.

I think he's getting worse.

Oh, my metatarsals are barking.

- You okay?
- Yeah, yeah.

I'm just breaking in some new shoes.

- Very pretty.
- Thank you.

Did you know women wear high heels to
make the buttocks and breasts prominent?

- Hadn't really thought about it.
- Look.

Uh, sure. Very, uh, prominent.

Please, Leonard, don't leer,
you have a girlfriend.


Off to dinner with
Priya, Howard and Bernadette?

- Yeah. How did you know?
- Heard it at the mall with my girlfriends...

...because, you know,
that's kind of my life now.

Have a good night.

Try not to ogle my caboose
as I walk away.

- Hey, you.
- Hi.

Hey, Raj. Will you be joining us
for dinner?

The lonely guy
and the two happy couples?

I'd rather get a prostate exam from a
leper who walks away with nine fingers.

Oh, would you please stop
feeling sorry for yourself?

I have to feel sorry for myself.
I'm the only one who cares.

Just like I'm the only one
who'll have sex with me.

Really? In front of your sister?

We shared a room growing up.
This is not news to me.

Excuse me. I'm gonna go
wander the streets alone.

Invisible, unwanted and unloved...

...a pathetic shadow
in a city with no heart.

I forgot my windbreaker. It's chilly.

I don't understand.
Is this a way to break in new shoes?

No. Once these puppies touch the ground,
they're mine and I'll have to wear them...

...walking up and down Hollywood
Boulevard in order to pay them off.


Pretty, pretty, pretty.

Good news:
The wildebeest is in the curry.

The what?

Bernadette is with Priya and Leonard.

Message received.

Commence operation
"Priya, Wouldn't Wanna Be You."

Hey. Seriously?

Didn't you get enough of this
cliquey crap in high school?

I wish. A clique requires friends.
I didn't have any.


I used to take my lunch
to the maintenance room...

...and eat with the janitor.

It was nice until his wife called me
a puta and made me stop.


Hang on. It's the wildebeest.

Priya just made a snide comment
about your acting career.

What the hell did she say?

She thinks it's cool you're following
your dream no matter what.

That bitch!

How do you wanna handle it?

Um, okay. Tell Bernadette to tell Priya
that I'm on my way to Prague... shoot a movie
with Angelina Jolie.

Got it.

Is it gonna be in 3-D?

What? I don't know. It doesn't matter.

I'm gonna say 3-D. That'll let her know
the studio has faith in it.

You're kidding. 3-D?

That's what I hear.

Then the studio
must have real faith in it.

Wonder why she didn't tell me.

You been spending time
with your ex-girlfriend?


Then why are you surprised
she didn't tell you?

Well, it's not as much surprised as...

...uh, you know, uh, the other thing.

What other thing?

Well, if you...


I don't... Oh, what's the word
I'm looking for?

I'm not gonna help you.
This is hilarious. Heh.

She's also dating an astronaut.

Wow, that's very impressive.


But Leonard's impressive too.

Thank you.


The word I was looking for was

Knight to old woman...


Brilliant move.

Thank you.


Will the two of you excuse me?

I need a hug.

Sorry, I have company.

Come on, Sheldon, open the door.

I don't want to hug you.

I don't want to hug you either.
I was just feeling blue.

Blue, as in depressed.

Well, not so much depressed
as lonely.

I don't know what color lonely is.

- What?
- Red is angry...

...yellow is frightened... is jealous
and blue is depressed.

Perhaps we can assign
a color to lonely.

Nothing rhymes with orange.
It's probably lonely.

All right. Come in. You look
positively orange with loneliness.

No, I don't see that catching on at all.

What are you doing?

Working on my three-person
chess game.

Oh, cool. Can I play?

It's three-person chess.

- Did you bring a friend?
- No.

Then as a mental exercise,
I invite you to figure out...

...why the two of us
can't play three-person chess.

Can you believe this guy?

Social protocol does, however...

...require me to bring you
a hot beverage in time of need.

- No, thank you. I'm fine.
- No, it's not optional.

We're out of tea.
I hope you like bouillon.

I guess you're probably wondering
what's got me down.

Actually, I was wondering...

...if I could add a third
new chess piece.

How do you think people
would feel about Prince Joey...

...the king's feeble-minded
but well-meaning cousin?

I'm gonna be 30 years old
and I have no one in my life to love me.

I can't even talk to a woman...

...without having alcohol in my body.

The fun thing about Prince Joey... every time he moves...

...there's a 1-in-5 chance
he'll kill himself.

Sheldon, listen to me.

I have a big decision to make,
and I'm scared.

Yellow. Go ahead.

A friend gave me
these new pills they're testing.

He says it's the next big thing
for social anxiety disorder.

Fascinating. What's in it?

I'm not sure. Some sort of beta-blocker
attached to a molecule...

...extracted from the urine of cows.

I like cows.

That's not the point.

It was its own point. Go on.

I'm a scientist.

My ability to think
is my bread and butter.

I'm afraid if I take this,
I might lose that special...

...unique something...

...that makes me so successful
in my field.

Rajesh, I've had the privilege...

...of working alongside you
for many years.

My recommendation is that
you gobble these up like Tic Tacs.

Okay, I'm still trying to work this out.

How did Penny meet an astronaut?

I don't know. The regular way
people meet astronauts.

- Most of those guys live in Texas.
- Obviously, this one doesn't.


Leonard lives here. Priya's from India.
People meet, Howard. God!

- Fine.
- You've met lots of astronauts...

...and I've never grilled you
about that.

I'd thank you to extend me
the same courtesy.

I'm not grilling you,
I was just curious.

I can't get over the fact
that she got a big movie part.

Not that I care
what my ex-girlfriend's up to...

...because I don't.

Maybe that's where
she met the astronaut, all right?

I'm sorry. What would an astronaut
be doing working on a movie?

He's a consultant.

I thought the movie was about
18th-century Vienna.

He can't have a hobby?


Excuse me, I have to pee.

Or is that implausible as well?

It's nice to have
another couple to hang with, isn't it?


All right, guys, you have to go back.
I can't afford you.

send us away. We love you."

(IN NORMAL VOICE) I love you too,
but you cost more than my rent.

"But, Penny, you look so good in us."

Damn it, the shoes are right.

Good golly, Penny,
your whimsy is boundless.


What do you got for me, wildebeest?

I think they're onto me.

The story's starting to fall apart.

Calm down.
Everything's gonna be okay.

We may have to kill her.

Bernadette, I'm putting you
on speakerphone.

- Where are you now?
- In the bathroom.

Oh, look at this, another one
of our classic bathroom gabfests.

What's the problem?

They're asking me
all sorts of questions I can't answer.

Just change the subject.

I could get them back
to talking about Leonard...

...going to India
to meet Priya's parents.


They said something
about going there this summer.

- What, are they getting engaged?
- I don't know.

I was too busy covering my heinie
on Amy's stupid astronaut story.

What astronaut story?

You texted me,
"Penny's dating an astronaut."

I texted "architect."

That's amusing.
Autocorrect must've changed it.

Yeah, it's hysterical.

Look, just forget about the astronaut.

Architect. Where would you
have met an astronaut?

Just find out
what's up with this trip to India.

- I don't wanna do this anymore.
- Don't you quit on us.


Bernie, you okay?

It was an architect!

Thanks for coming, Sheldon.
You're a good friend.

I'm glad you think so.
That's what I strive to emulate.

Okay, let's see if this drug works.

Can I help you?

Forgive me for staring,
but you're very beautiful.

Thank you.

That's a great accent.
Where are you from?

- India.
- Oh, cool. I've always wanted to go there.

It's a beautiful country. You'd love it.
May I join you?

Uh, okay, sure. Why not?

My name is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali.

- This is my friend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
- Hi.

There's no need to interact with me.
I'm just here to observe.

What's he observing?

We're scientists. We observe everything.
Here, go buy yourself a scone.

All right.

- And what is your name?
- Angela.

Oh, derived from the word "angel."

Ha. You're cute.

I'd like to buy a scone.

Oh, I'm sorry, we're out.
We have muffins.

They sound delicious...

...but this money is earmarked
for scones.

ANGELA: What are you doing?
- Oh, just getting comfortable.

So how long have
you lived in Los Angeles?

- L...
- They were out of scones.

I'm talking to someone.
You're being rude.

I'll bet you're an actress.

If not, you should be.
You have a very expressive face.

Oh, my God!

Wait, where are you going?
We were doing so well.

She never even got to see my penis.


Who wants some more coffee?

- Thanks, yeah.
- Sure.

Let me help you.

Nice to see that the gals
are getting along.

Who are you, Fred Flintstone?

- This trip to India sounds fun.
- Yeah, I think it will be.

Are you concerned your parents
might not approve of Leonard?

A little. They're very old-fashioned.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

It's not like you guys
are getting engaged, right?

Oh, my God, no. We're not there yet.

Not engaged. Very interesting.
I have to tinkle.

You've been in there a lot. You okay?

Yes. Are you writing a book?

Why are you getting upset?

I'm not upset. Maybe you're upset.

What's up with you?


I can't do this anymore!

I'm a good girl.
I went to Catholic school.

Okay, well, it's getting late.
This was terrific.

You win. Ha, ha.


I think the word
you're looking for is "befuddled."

My catapult flings my bishop... Howard's queen's gorilla two.

Nice. Okay, rook to transporter pad.

And he comes out at...

...Leonard's queen's bishop

Check on Leonard.

Hang on.

When is my pawn allowed
to use the golf cart?

When it's done charging.

Or you land on the time machine.


Oh, oh...

Beekeeper to king 12.

I capture your pope
and release the swarm.

Checkmate on Sheldon.

I knew I should've given my pope
the jet pack.

Hey, I've got winners.