The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 4, Episode 19 - The Zarnecki Incursion - full transcript

The guys go all out to help Sheldon find the person responsible for hacking his online gaming account, while the girls' hatred for Priya increases.

SHELDON: Why hast thou forsaken me,
oh, deity, whose existence I doubt?

Here, breathe into this bag.

- What's going on?
SHELDON: They stole everything, Leonard.


- Are you the roommate?
- Leonard Hofstadter. What happened?

Your friend called 911
to report a robbery.

Oh, my God, what did they get?

What didn't they get?

They got my enchanted weapons,
my Vicious Gladiator armor... Wand of Untainted Power
and all my gold.

You called the police...

...because someone hacked
your "World of Warcraft" account?

What choice did I have?

The mighty Sheldor,
level 85 blood elf...

...hero of the Eastern Kingdoms...

...has been picked clean
like a carcass in the desert sun.

Plus, the FBI hung up on me.


Into the bag.

They took my battle ostrich.

- Oh, no, not Glenn.
- Yes. Glenn.

Only bird I ever loved.

Good luck, fellas.

Oh, thank you, officer.

Wait a minute.
You're not going to do anything?

- Mr. Cooper, there's nothing...
- Dr. Cooper.


Not the kind with access to drugs.

Fine. Dr. Cooper,
I'm sorry for your loss...

...but the Pasadena Police Department
doesn't have jurisdiction in Pandora.

That's from Avatar.

"World of Warcraft" takes place
in Azeroth.

Goodness gracious,
how are you allowed to carry a gun?

Can you at least refer me
to a rogue ex-cop?


One who was drummed off the force
because he refused to play by the rules.

And now he hires himself out to impose
his own brand of rough justice?


Thank you, officer.

It's all gone. All gone.

- I'm really sorry, Sheldon.
- What kind of world do we live in...

...where a man would take
another man's battle ostrich?

I don't know.

This act of aggression must be met
with swift and cruel ferocity.

It is time to cry havoc
and let slip the dogs of war.

I'm on it.

Hi, Mrs. Wolowitz. Is Howard there?

Okay, thanks.

That particular dog of war
will have to call you back after his bath.

See if Raj is done with Pilates.

Three thousand hours.

Three thousand hours clicking on that
mouse, collecting weapons and gold.

It's almost as if
it was a huge waste of time.

They knew what they were doing.

He got in and out of your account
in under 15 minutes...

...transferred all your stuff,
didn't leave a digital fingerprint.

Oh, there isn't enough chamomile tea
in the world... quell the rage in my heart.

I'm talking to an orc under the bridge
in Thunder Bluff...

...says if we pay him,
he'll help us track down your things.

- Can we trust him?
- I should say so.

He appears to be a member
of the Nigerian royal family.

Whoa, somebody's auctioning off
a jeweled ostrich bridle.

No, Glenn's was leather.

He was a simple ostrich.

Is. Is. I haven't given up hope.

- Hey.
- Hey, Penny.

- We're in the middle of a crisis here.
- Oh, I know. Bernadette told me.

I'm sorry, Sheldon,
I know that game meant a lot to you.

That game?

Excuse me, Penny,
but "Doodle Jump" is a game.

"Angry Birds" is a game.

"World of Warcraft" is a massively
multiplayer online role-playing...

All right, technically it's a game.

Bad news.
The Nigerian prince may be a fraud.

Okay, I brought you a day-old
cheesecake to cheer you up.

Stale pastry is hollow succor
to a man who is bereft of ostrich.

- Just say thank you.
- I thought I just did.

All right, see you later.

- Oh, hello.
- Oh, hi.

I was just dropping off a cheesecake
to Sheldon.

He was robbed
of a bunch of imaginary crap...

...that's useful
in a make-believe place.

I don't know what that means.

Yeah, well, sadly, I do.

Did you know Priya took Leonard
Rollerblading at the beach?

Can you believe that?

I feel like I'm supposed to say
"that bitch"...

...but I don't have
enough information.

I am the one who spent two years
trying to get him to go to the beach.

He was so phobic about stepping
on medical waste, I had to carry him.

I took Howard to the beach once.

He almost burst into flames
like a vampire.

What's the thanks I get for turning
Leonard into quality boyfriend material?

I have to tiptoe
around his new girlfriend.

I think you're on.

That bitch.

You want some coffee liqueur
on your ice cream?

Here's the alcohol and drug peer pressure
mother warned me about.

I was starting to think
it was never gonna happen.

Yes, please.

Should've seen Leonard when we met.
No eye contact.

He was either looking up at the ceiling
or down at his shoes.

I'm drunk.

For the first months
whenever I'd take off my bra...

...he would giggle and say,
"Oh, boy, my breast friends."

If it makes you feel better,
I'm never speaking to Priya again.

No, don't do that.
No reason to be mean to her.

This may be the alcohol talking,
but I believe there is.

Are you familiar with the study
of Tanzanian chimpanzees... Nishida and Hosaka
out of Kyoto University?

No, but I can name
all the Kardashians.

Primates such as ourselves
have a natural instinct... ostracize ill-mannered
members of the troop.

Bernadette's urge to shun, scowl...

...or fling her waste at Priya
is hardwired into her DNA.

I don't have an urge
to fling my waste.

Believe me, it's there. We all have it.

Hit me with some more booze
and I'll show you.

All right, here we are.

This is the tavern where all
the black market weapon trades go down.

I don't think my character
should be in a place like this.

Everyone's undressing her
with their eyes.

Maybe if you stop dropping your sword
and bending over to pick it up.

- What exactly are we looking for?
- Redheaded troll by the name of Glumly.

According to this,
if you wanna move stolen goods...

...and it's after school hours,
he's your guy.

Is this going to take much longer?
We were gonna spend some time together.

We are. In the meantime...'re welcome to whip up
a character and join us.


Well, you have to put in
a credit card number, but it's fun.

Maybe I should just go home.

- Our troll walked in. I got him.
- We got him. We're almost done.

How do you guys wanna play this?

Be ruthless. Tell him if he doesn't start
talking, we'll register a complaint...

...with his Internet service provider.

Sheldon, what if he gets his Internet
from his cable company?

He could lose his HBO and all
their delightful original programming.

I don't care. I'm losing it, man.

Why don't we play this smart?
Try a little good goblin, bad goblin.

Oh, dear Lord.

No, I think we have to be more subtle.

Okay, I see where this is going.

Fine, I'll have sex with him.

That's not where it was going.

Good, because I would hate that.

Leonard, you're busy,
let's talk tomorrow.

Oh, wait, hang on. Are you upset?

No, no, I think it's sexy
to date a boy trapped in a man's body.

Good, good.
I'll tell you what happens.

People think I don't get sarcasm.

Well, well, well.

Look who it is.

- Okay. Be nice.
- Hello.

- We're just heading out for a drink.
- Because I do that now.

Count your blessings
you're not a Tanzanian chimp.

- What?
- Don't listen to her.

She's had a lot of ice cream.

Do you wanna join us?

Oh, thank you, but I have work to do.

Four women walk down the stairs.
How many reach the lobby?

Did your sister say anything
when you got home last night?

Don't put me in the middle of this.
I'm not going to be your go-between.

Come on, help me out.
Am I in trouble?

- There's no reason to worry.
- That's a relief.

Many women in happy relationships
spend their nights...

...Skyping with their ex-boyfriend Sanjay.

Good news, gentlemen.
I found our hacker.

- What?
- Really?

Yeah, no one can hide from me.

Not Waldo, not Carmen Sandiego,
not even topless Natalie Portman.

I've never said these words before,
but good job, Howard.

Our culprit is one Mr. Todd Zarnecki.

2711 Ocean View Road,
Carlsbad, California.

The name and the address
drip with evil.

- What else do we know about him?
- Quite a bit, actually.

I bet he's some loser
who lives with his parents.

Yes, he does live with his parents.

Here's a Google Earth shot
of their house.

Excellent. It's in a cul-de-sac.
We can box him in.

- Hold on, you're thinking of going there?
- Carlsbad is only a couple of hours away.

You walk up to the house, knock
on the door and demand your stuff back.

- What if he says no?
- I don't know if you've been following...

...but there have been some advancements
in the field of torture.

No one's getting tortured.

Fine, we'll abide
by the Geneva Convention.

But ask yourself this:

In the course of our lives, how much
lunch money has been taken from us?

How many kites?

How many Scooby-Doo
Trapper Keepers?

- I totally had one of those.
- Of course you did.

A fun and practical way
of organizing your schoolwork.

But the bullies took it from us.
Well, no more.

Tonight, we take back our dignity,
our birthright and our pride.

What do you say? Who's with me?

I have a hip-hop aerobics class at 5,
could we go after?

- Sure.
- Also, tonight's the Sabbath...

...and my mother and I have a tradition
of lighting candles and Wheel of Fortune.

If we could leave at 8, we'd still regain
our birthright at 10, 10:30 latest.


- Leonard?
- Oh, jeez...

...I don't know if I can ditch Priya
two nights in a row.

Oh, come on, man. Bros before... sister.

- Screw it. I'm in.
- Me too.

And me.

One moment.

I'm hell-bent on catching
a cyber criminal, not the common cold.



I thought this delay was so you could
watch Wheel of Fortune...

...with your mother.
- I am. She's bleaching her mustache.

Check it out. Hey, Ma!

"Before and after," four words,
17 letters, two N's, one V!

Fanny pack of wolves!

- That's incredible.
- Yeah, she's kind of a Wheel savant.


Uh-oh. That's Priya.

Sitar music for her ringtone is not cool,

Hit the...


Hey, sweetie.

Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna be working late.

I miss you too.

Okay, sure, I'll call you
when I get home. Okay, bye-bye.

Very nice. You lie to my sister.

That's the nicest thing
he does to your sister.


- Guess who?
- Cover for me.

Hello, Priya. What's up?

How would I know
if Leonard's at work or not?

Don't be suspicious.

If you want your relationship
to continue... have to believe whatever
wild-eyed, cockamamy excuse...

...the white devil has the nerve
to offer you.

Okay? Yeah. Bye-bye.

You owe me.

New puzzle, Ma!

"Same name," one N,
two D's, three O's!

Whoopi and Rube Goldberg!

- That's uncanny.
- I know. It's her superpower.

Well, that and jiggling her arm fat.

I can't believe we're going all the way
to San Diego to confront this guy.

Yeah, we're kind of badasses,
aren't we?


Hey, how about we stay the night
and hit Legoland in the morning?

SeaWorld is better.

It has Shamu
who is literally tons of fun.

But for the moment,
let's stay focused on Todd Zarnecki.

We're coming for you, Todd Zarnecki.

And for the record,
Legoland is more interactive.

I almost feel sorry for the poor fool
sitting in his split-level suburban ranch...

...unaware that a vengeful horde is
barreling down the San Diego freeway... 71 miles an hour.

Ease up there, lead foot.
You trying to get us killed?

I took the liberty of burning us a mix
of heroic questing music.

This says
"Beyonc? Bootylicious Dance Mix."

It's a rewritable CD. Just put it in.

Beyonc?? Really?

She's curvy and she owns it.
I like that.


Oh, yeah, I'm feeling it.

We are winged fury.

Which is still no excuse
for going over the posted speed limit.

Next time we go to kick someone's ass,
we take the train.

I always prefer the train.

Sheldon, let's go.


Why did you bring that?

No weapon strikes more fear into
a man's heart than a Klingon bat'leth.

Okay, let's get clear on something.

Just tell this guy
to transfer all your stuff...

...back into your account,
then be on our way.

No one's bat'lething anybody.

So my blade shall not taste blood


- Well, now I just feel silly holding it.
- Come on.

- Can I at least kick down the door?
- You're welcome to try...

...but the other day, it took you
15 minutes to get into a FedEx box.


MAN: Who is it?
- Your doom.

Don't say, "your doom."
Who opens the door for their doom?

Good point. Basket of puppies.




- Are you Todd Zarnecki?
- Yeah. Who are you?

I'm Sheldor of Azeroth.

I want my things back.

I don't think so. Let me see that.

Careful, it's a collectible.

I know. I've always wanted one.

He's even more cunning
than we thought.

You know, the joke's on him.

Without the certificate of authenticity,
that bat'leth is worthless.

Yeah, he walked right into our trap.

Legoland seems like
a hollow dream now.



- What's the matter?
- Something's wrong. Not getting gas.

Anybody know anything
about combustion engines?

- Of course.
- Nineteenth-century technology.

Does anybody know how to fix
combustion engine?

- No.
- Not a clue.

We'd better call somebody
to come pick us up.

It'd be swell if they had a train.

Thank you, Penny.

No problem.

So I think it's interesting you didn't
call your girlfriend to come get you.

I kind of told her I was working.

So you lied to her. Also interesting.

She doesn't really understand the whole
"Warcraft" adventure-role-playing thing.

Well, doesn't matter if she gets it,
as long as she's pretty.

This one's funny, Leonard.

How come you couldn't
make it work with her?

Did you at least get
Sheldon's fake stuff back?

No, we failed in our noble quest.

- How come?
- Todd Zarnecki was mean.

All right, hang on.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna show you
how we finish a quest in Nebraska.

Oh, Beyonc?.


This ain't no Beyonc?.

Now what?

- Give his stuff back.
- I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, then good news.

Today's the day a girl's finally gonna
touch you in your little special place.

- Now, give him his stuff back.
- Okay.

We did it!

I said, we.

Oh, hold the door.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

- Going to see Leonard?
- Yes.

- How have you been?
- Fine.

- You?
- Very well, thank you.

- All right, well, great seeing you.
- Yeah, you too.

Amy's right.
I do wanna fling my poop at her.