The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 4, Episode 13 - The Love Car Displacement - full transcript

Chaos ensues when the gang spend the weekend together at a science convention.

Hey, you guys ready to order?

Since we come in
every Tuesday night at 6:00...

...and order the same exact thing,
and it's now 6:08...

...I believe your question
not only answers itself...

...but also stands alongside
such other nonsensical queries as:

"Who let the dogs out?"

And, uh, "How are they hanging?"

Okay, so the usual with extra spit
on Sheldon's hamburger.

Penny, a moment.
Do you have plans this weekend?

Oh, gee, Amy, sorry,
I'm pretty busy this weekend.

Probably serving food
that was ordered today.

Too bad.
I was hoping you could be my plus one... the Institute
of Interdisciplinary Studies symposium...

...on the impact of scientific research
on societal interactions.

The what?

It's an annual science conference.

- We've all been invited to speak.
- Oh, okay.

Well, you know, like I said,
I have plans.

Shame. Since you're my best friend,
it would be a bonding opportunity.

I'm your best friend?

Don't you read my blog?

Oh, don't feel bad. I never read Leonard's,
and I used to sleep with him.

Know anybody who would appreciate
an all-expense-paid spa weekend... a resort in Big Sur?

No, l... I'm sorry, free what?
Sorry, what...? What?

I think her weekend just opened up.

Wait, wait. Just to be clear,
when you guys say spa...

...does that mean the same thing
as when regular people say it?

Pretty much, except we keep
our shirts on in the sauna.

You know, it is going to be difficult,
but I'm gonna cancel my plans... I can do this for my bestie.
- Please don't touch my breasts.

I wasn't going to.

All right.
I just want to establish boundaries.

This is great.
I haven't had a vacation in ages.

In order to take a vacation,
one first has to work.

For a smart guy, you seem to have
a hard time grasping the concept:

"Don't piss off the people
who handle the things you eat."

That does seem to be a valid principle.

I trust Penny will adhere to the
Official California Restaurant Workers'...

...Solemn Oath of Ethics
and Cleanliness.

I don't believe there's any such thing.

You lied to me?

Good morning. If I could have
everyone's attention, please.

I know we're all eager
to get on the road to Big Sur... if we focus, we can get through
this orientation in under a half an hour.

Then it's just Q&A, quiz, safety drills...

...pose for commemorative group photo,
and we're off.

Don't worry, just sit next to me during
the quiz and you can copy my answers.

Raj, what are you doing?

I don't think so.

You've had your allotted 6 ounces.

The first bathroom break isn't until
the Denny's located near Bakersfield...

...which is approximately
two and a half hours away.

Remember, people, we're only as strong
as our weakest bladder.

Nobody cares about
your Kegel exercises.

All right,
we have seven people and two cars.

In the lead car, driven by Leonard...

...will be myself...

...Amy Farrah Fowler and Penny.


He had you in the other car,
but I got you upgraded.


She made the case that if we break down
in the middle of nowhere...

...your Nebraska backwoods skills
and brawny hands...

...will give us the best chance
to survive in the wild.


They're bigger than mine.

Red Leader to Red Five, come in.

Red Leader to Red Five, come in.

Howard, you promised.

Fine. Red Five to Red Leader.

- What do you want now?
- It's 11:15.

I'm requesting
your quarter-hourly location update.

Still right behind you.

Copy that, Red Five.

Radio contact is sufficient.
No need to extend your middle finger.

So, Amy, I've been wondering,
are you and Sheldon...

...gonna be sharing a room?

No, we discussed it.

We didn't wanna jeopardize
our relationship... getting to know each other
too well.

Indeed. Nothing sours a friendship more
than over-familiarity...

...with someone's toilet routine.

- I can vouch for that.
- Hey.

- Not you, him.
- Oh, thanks.

Although yours was an eye-opener.

Don't worry, Penny. You're my plus one.
You'll bunk with me.

And FYI, travel makes me constipated,
so I'm the ideal hotel roommate.


Are we there yet?

I hope we get there in time
to see the keynote address.

Really? You wanna see the keynote?

Yeah, it sounds fun.

Global Apocalypse
or Exciting Research Opportunity?

Actually, I was thinking we could go
straight to the room and take a nap.

Oh, really? And miss the keynote?

Well, we can watch it later
on C-SPAN.

Besides, I was really looking forward
to you and me...

...napping together in the hotel.

Well, honey, if you're that tired, why
don't you just take a nap here in the car?

No, see, it's not...

Hang on. It's Leonard. Hi, Leonard.

Yeah, hi. Listen, I just got a text from Raj.

He wanted me to tell you that
when Howard says "nap" he means "sex."


Thank you, Raj.

Are you an element
in the actinoid series?

No. Amy?

Are you usually radioactive
when found in nature?

- No.
- Are you in the lanthanoid series?

Amy, it's Penny's turn.

- Penny?
- Uh, I don't know.

Are you food?

That's not apropos.

We've already established
I'm found on the periodic table.

Well, it's a table, right?
I mean, why can't there be food on it?

I knew she wasn't lead car material.

Oh, who elected you road trip god?

- Leonard?
- Ugh.

It was a late-night vote.

We were all exhausted
and he was threatening to filibuster.

It's not technically road trip god.
It's travel supervisor.

Although "road trip god"
does have a certain ring to it.

I don't understand why you people
let him bully you like this.

Someone should stand up to him.
What's he gonna do?

I can't believe you let him
kick me out of the car.

What could we do?
He's the travel supervisor.

Don't worry, Penny.
This is a better car anyway.

Yeah, it's the love car. Ha, ha.

Should I ask?

They say we're young and we don't know

We won't find out until we grow

Well, I don't know if all that's true

'Cause you got me and, baby, I got you

- Babe
- Da-da, da-da, da-da

I got you, babe

Red Leader, I'm really sorry.

I got you, babe

I got you, babe

I missed you.

You know what? I missed you too.


Oh, my God, Glenn.

Ha, ha. Great to see you.

- Are you here for the conference?
- I'm doing a global warming panel.

Oh, good for you.
Glenn, this is my boyfriend, Howard.

- Oh. Nice to meet you.
- Hi. Ha, ha.

Ow. Hi.

You're a lucky man. Bernie's a great gal.

Yes, Bernie sure is.

I gotta run.
The panel's tomorrow morning.

It's called
A Look Back.

Oh. I'll try to catch it.

- Oh, great. Bye.
- Bye.

Hey, Bernie?

- Yeah?
- Please tell me he's your gay cousin.

Oh. No. He was one of
my professors in college.

- Oh. Well, that's a relief. Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha. Then we went out for a year.

Come on, let's check in
so we can take that nap.

No, it's not necessarily proportional.
Shut up.

That green bag is Dr. Cooper's.
Here's an extra 5. Make him wait.


Right to the nap, huh? Okay.

So this Glenn guy... say you went out with him
for like a year.

We need to talk
about my old boyfriend now?

No, ha, ha, I guess not.

What is he, like 6'4"or 6'5"?

- Six-seven.
- Oh.

Probably has a hard time
finding a suit that fits.

- Is something bothering you?
- No, it's just...

- What?
- I'm just thinking...

...if you had sex with that guy,
I mean, there's nothing I can do here...

...that will make any kind of impact.

Howard, it's not a contest.
I love you. I wanna be with you.

Yeah, great, love you too, but...

If it were a contest,
I wouldn't have a chance, right?

- You can't think that way.
- Yep, loser.

Howard, stop it.

Sorry, I never figured that a guy like me
going out with a girl like you...

...would have to compete
with a guy like that.

Wait a minute, a girl like me?
What's that mean?

- Um, l...
- Are you saying...

...l'm not hot enough to go out
with a guy like Glenn?

No. No.
I'm saying exactly the opposite.

I'm too hot to go out with a guy
like Glenn?

Yeah, let's go with that.

Still nothing.

Remind me to try again in an hour.

Will do.


Girl talk?

Um, sure. What do you got in mind?

Do you subscribe
to the Freudian theory of penis envy?

Um, I've never really thought about it.

I think it might be nice to have one.

- Really.
- Not for sex, for convenience.

You can't deny that by comparison...

...our internal plumbing
is extremely high-maintenance.

Again, I've never given it much thought.

We have time now. Think about it.

Oh, good.

- Hey.
- Can I stay here tonight?

- Yeah. Why, what happened?
- Howard's a complete and total ass.

Oh, yeah, that. Come on in.

Thanks, I'll sleep on the floor.

Not necessary. Penny and I
are perfectly comfortable sharing a bed.

- We are?
- Of course. We're best friends.

Oh, right, right. The blog.

Word of warning, though.
I'm prone to night terrors.

If I wake up kicking and screaming,
don't panic.

Just pin me down and stroke my hair,
I'll be fine.

- Hey, can I stay here tonight?
- Shh, shh.

Sheldon's asleep. What's going on?

Howard's a complete and total ass,
Bernadette's in my bed...

...and no matter how much
you stroke Amy's hair, she bites.

- What?
- Never mind. Can I stay here or not?

- Um, sure.
- All right.

How do you wanna do this?

Well, I'm not getting in bed with him.

Yeah, it is a little like
getting into Dracula's coffin.

All right, we're just gonna have to
make the best of this.

Okay, when you say,
"Make the best of..."

- Sleep.
- Right.

So we'll just call the middle here
the Neutral Zone.

The what?

Star Trek.

You know, the Neutral Zone between
the Federation and the Romulan Empire.

Oh, okay.

Just like old times.

Of course...

...sometimes the Federation
and Romulans...

...would enter the Neutral Zone
to negotiate a temporary truce.

Okay, sweetie, let me put this
in a way you'll understand.

From the waist down,
my shields are up.

Got it, got it.

We can do all kinds of stuff
from the waist up, you know.

- Go to sleep.
- Good night.

Please tell me
you're not having coitus.

We are not having coitus.

Can you guarantee that it won't happen
during the night?

- Yes.
- No.

- Next on Turner Classic
- Bridget Jones's Diary.

Oh, my God. I'm crying already.

Raj. Raj.


- I need to sleep here tonight.
- Why?

Howard's a complete and total ass,
Bernadette's in Penny's bed...

...Amy bites, and Penny may or may not
have coitus with Leonard.

Okay, come on in.

- Leonard, you asleep?
- No.

- I appreciate you letting me stay here.
- Sure, no problem.

I know it's kind of weird.

True dat.

"True dat"?

I've gotten a lot more street
since we broke up.


Still mad at me about that?

No. No, I understand.

I got too intense, you had to back off.

Thank you.

I've gotten a lot better at that, you know?

I've dated four women since we
broke up, and I didn't tell any of them...

...that I loved them
and wanted to have their babies.

Good for you.

- Okay, good night.
- Good night.

You know, maybe it wouldn't be
the worst idea in the world... violate the Neutral Zone
for just one night.


Leonard, Sheldon kicked me out
of the room and gave me your key.

Penny's here.

No, we don't wanna watch
Bridget Jones's Diary.

Good morning,
and welcome to Science and Society.

I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper,
B.S., M.S., MA, Ph.D., and Sc.D.

OMG, right?

Perhaps that joke was a little
hippie dippie for this crowd.

All right, then,
we'll begin with opening remarks.

Miss Rostenkowski,
would you like to start us off... discussing your assessment
of science's responsibility to society?


I think all branches of science
have to move cautiously these days.

It's not just giant nuclear weapons
that can destroy the world.

As a microbiologist, I can tell you
even the tiniest organisms...

...can still tear you a new one.

Interesting. I think what you might need
to know about my colleague... that though she claims her field
of interest is tiny organisms...

...she certainly has spent
her fair share of time...

...around what we can assume
was pretty massive weaponry.

I think Mr. Wolowitz needs to keep
in mind that the past is the past.

But he should know that I am
the kind of girl who could get...

...all the giant missiles she wants.

Are we talking
about women wanting penises?

Because I'd like to weigh in.

Dr. Koothrappali,
would you care to join the conversation?

Well, certainly.
I'd like to raise two points.

Number one,
I think they are talking about penises.

And number two, these mimosas
are kicking my little brown ass.

- I'd like to kick your little brown ass.
- What did I do?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe when you walk
into a hotel room...

...and you see a guy getting back
with his girlfriend...

...consider doing something other
than crawling into the adjoining bed.

I did. You said, "No Bridget Jones."

We weren't getting back together.
It was a one-time thing.

Excuse me, we're not taking comments
or questions from the audience just yet.

Oh, shut up, Sheldon.

Hi, bestie.

Yeah, hi.

Why don't we see
if we can bring this back to topic?

- Let me ask you something, Bernie.
- I guess not.

How would you feel
if you met my ex-girlfriend...

...and she was like Angelina Jolie?

Oh, come on, Howard, be realistic.

What, I'm not hot enough
for Angelina Jolie?

I'd like to weigh in here.


Why don't we open it up to Q&A
from the audience?

Yeah. Is there anybody
who can get me out of here...

...and back to Los Angeles tonight?

I'm driving back to L.A. Tonight.

Uh, Penny, that's Glenn.

- Glenn, that's Penny.
- No!

Red Leader to Red Five.

Red Leader to Red Five.

Anybody up for a little game?

I spy with my little eye
a non-ferrous metal.

Must be out of range.

- Leonard, can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

Are you bothered by the fact
that your former girlfriend left...

...with what is probably the most
beautiful man I've ever seen in my life?

No. Why do you ask?

Because we're going
120 miles per hour.

All right, if no one's going to guess,
I was spying the aluminum rims...

...on the police car we passed
a few miles back.